AN: ok, I worked for ages on this, and just typing it up was hard enough...I'd
appreciate some good reviews, more than a few words, but something is better than nothing,
so if you can't think of anything to say, just quickly tell me what you thought...:)~~~~~
Thena!
"Susan, it's OK, come on. Talk to me. You can tell me...please."
"Mark, I came home today, and the apartment was empty. It was the first time in..forever...that that's happened. The first time I've been all alone since Suzie was born. I didn't come home and put her down for her nap, I didn't have to heat up any bottles or play with stuffed animals...but I wanted to. I always wondered what it would be like to come home and just take a nap. But I couldn't sleep knowing Chloe had her."
"She left this morning?"
"Yeah... I feel so alone, Mark! I mean..it's like someone ripped my heart out and put it back in, just to take it out again. So I could watch it beat while I died."
"Susan.." Mark sat with her on the couch. She stood up abruptly and picked up a stuffed bunny she had sat on. "I know, I know, it's hard...it's hard to lose someone you love."
"Mark, did I ever tell you about how I got Suzie?"
"No...I don't really remember when it happened, anyway. I'm sure you told me then."
"I got a call that Chloe was in jail, and the police had Suzie. Chloe told them to call me. I raced over there...I almost got hit by about 10 cars on the way from the El stop to the station..I only had to cross two intersections. And when I got there, there was Suzie..a week old, screaming and crying in this police officer's arms. He looked lost. He was about 65 years old, and he told me he hadn't held a baby in years. I introduced myself, and he handed Suzie to me. She stopped crying right away...it was amazing. She was so adorable, just this perfect little girl...I couldn't believe this was the same little baby I had delivered only a week before."
Susan nervously played with the little bunny's floppy ears. "I thought I got all of her stuff out of here, ya know? I thought Chloe had it all. Don't know how I could have missed this." Susan wiped away a tear and put down the stuffed animal.
"Anyway, they let me see Chloe..she was drunk, high..I don't know. I couldn't even look at her. I always thought...I was just supposed to watch Suzie til Chloe got out of jail. But my darling little sister did it again. She was back in jail the day she got out. More drugs. So a few days became a week, which became a month, which became a few months. My house was covered with baby clothes, baby toys. My fridge was stocked with baby food, formula. Chloe got out of jail a lot, but she always ended up right back in there. After the first month, she never stayed in long, just a few short visits. She must've learned how to avoid the cops, and never to carry drugs outside of her apartment. She was smart...but she was so stupid too."
"We didn't see Chloe much...there was the daycare incident, and one time at the apartment. A few phone calls. A few Chloe-scares. Nothing major...compared to this. Suzie walked for me, smiled for me, and I loved her. She might as well have been my baby. For most of her life, she was."
"I never really believed Chloe could get clean. It just seemed like it would never happen. And then the judge tells me that Chloe's fine. Just like that, she gets my baby that night. And I had come to think of Suzie as my baby. I thought I had a right to. But she was Chloe's baby."
"She's your neice, Susan. And you're a great aunt." Susan sat down next to him, leaning back on the couch.
"But I want to be more." Susan paused, then picked up the bunny again. "And then there was that judge...she didn't know Chloe. She didn't know me, or Joe. But she never even met Suzie. No one could know what we've been through..what Chloe put us through. But she tried..or pretended to...and she took my baby away from me." Susan was holding the bunny in her arms, like a baby. Mark put his arms around her and let her lean on his shoulder.
She was hurting so much, and Mark just wanted to help her. He wanted to hold her and let her cry, or talk, or whatever she had to do. But she kept jumping up, rocking that stupid yellow rabbit and walking to the window, staring down at the street. He tried to keep his arms around her, to help her to feel safe. So she knew he was there for her. That he loved her.
"And she's gone now, Mark. I don't have my baby. I never really thought that Chloe would take her from me. Even if she could handle Suzie..even if she could win 'mother of the year'...I never thought she'd even consider taking Suzie from me. I thought she knew how much I love her. Suzie, I mean."
"Suzie, I do think that Chloe's really gotten it together. I don't think you have to worry about that. And I know it's hard...when I first moved away from Jenn and Rachel, I was alone for the first time in...well, since I met Jenn. 15 years ago. It's weird...it's tough."
"I didn't get to say goodbye, really. They just drove away and I was standing there, watching them leave. Watching Suzie cry as they pulled away, wanting to run after her and make her feel better. I spent my whole adult life watching out for my little sister. Making sure she was OK, her kid was OK. She was no angel before she was pregnant. Drug addict, alcoholic, even then. But I have to admit, she cared about Suzie...in her own little way. She found out she was pregnant a week into her 1st trimester, and she quit everything that day. She didn't touch any drugs, any drinks... hell, she didn't even have coffee. I told her what could happen if she didn't quit doing drugs, and she begged me to watch her, not to let her do anything to hurt her little baby. 'please Susie, help me. I don't want anything to happen to my little girl.' that's what she said. She knew she was having a girl, even then. But once her dear daughter was born, it was back to the wild life for Chloe. But she still tried to give Suzie a chance from the beginning. Gotta give her credit for that. She said she named her Suzie because she wanted her to turn out like me...she wanted her to be 'a smart girl, not to make all the stupid choices I did. I want a little girl like you, Susie, a perfect little angel.' Mark, if I'm such an angel, why do I just want to steal Suzie away from her and never let Chloe see her again?"
Mark took the stuffed bunny that Susan was holding. He set it down on the floor behind the couch, out of Susan's sight. She reached for it, looking for something to hold to take the place of her neice. Finding nothing, she leaned against Mark, defeated and exhausted, and began to sob and shake. He put an arm around her back. She crossed her legs under her body and turned to him, tears flowing from her blue-green eyes. She put her head on his chest, letting her tears fall onto his green scrubs.
"I think you need some rest, Susan. Why don't you go to bed?" She nodded weakly. He could barely feel the motion of her head against him. Mark helped her up and put his arm around her shoulders as he walked her to her bedroom. "Want to get changed? I'll wait outside." She shook her head.
"Don't leave me."
"Susan, it's a few seconds. You really should get changed, you'll be more comfortable."
"Don't leave." She pleaded, like a helpless child. "I'll get changed, just don't leave me."
Mark glanced at her skeptically. Any other time, he would have said no, but Susan was crying and shaking, gripping his arm and begging him to stay. She needed him there for her, and being in the next room wouldn't do. He tried not to look as he sat on the bed and stared at the wall. Her sobs became frustrated noises as she tried to undo the buttons of her shirt, but she was shaking too much. She walked over to him and looked at him sadly. Mark moved closer to her, letting her hug him and cry. He felt like grabbing her and kissing her, but she was too upset, too vulnerable. And he loved her. He didn't want to do anything to take advantage of their friendship and her loss. He gently undid her shirt buttons and pulled a t-shirt over her head. She was steadier now, with him there to help her. She managed to get on her flannel pajama pants on her own.
"Thank you, Mark."
"It's no problem, Susan. Now you'd better get into bed. I'm going to go after you fall asleep, but I'll come back in the morning." He pulled the covers back and help her hand as she climbed into bed. He tucked her in carefully and smoothed her hair gently. *like I used to tuck Rachel in* he thought. She smiled at him before drifting off to sleep.
Mark turned out the lights and walked out into the living room. He grabbed his lab coat and walked out the door, closing it behind him and checking to see that it was locked. Walking into the cool night, he glanced up at Susan's window and smiled at the image of her furniture silhouetted against the lights in the living room, with one large shadow of a bunny against the back of the couch.
"Susan, it's OK, come on. Talk to me. You can tell me...please."
"Mark, I came home today, and the apartment was empty. It was the first time in..forever...that that's happened. The first time I've been all alone since Suzie was born. I didn't come home and put her down for her nap, I didn't have to heat up any bottles or play with stuffed animals...but I wanted to. I always wondered what it would be like to come home and just take a nap. But I couldn't sleep knowing Chloe had her."
"She left this morning?"
"Yeah... I feel so alone, Mark! I mean..it's like someone ripped my heart out and put it back in, just to take it out again. So I could watch it beat while I died."
"Susan.." Mark sat with her on the couch. She stood up abruptly and picked up a stuffed bunny she had sat on. "I know, I know, it's hard...it's hard to lose someone you love."
"Mark, did I ever tell you about how I got Suzie?"
"No...I don't really remember when it happened, anyway. I'm sure you told me then."
"I got a call that Chloe was in jail, and the police had Suzie. Chloe told them to call me. I raced over there...I almost got hit by about 10 cars on the way from the El stop to the station..I only had to cross two intersections. And when I got there, there was Suzie..a week old, screaming and crying in this police officer's arms. He looked lost. He was about 65 years old, and he told me he hadn't held a baby in years. I introduced myself, and he handed Suzie to me. She stopped crying right away...it was amazing. She was so adorable, just this perfect little girl...I couldn't believe this was the same little baby I had delivered only a week before."
Susan nervously played with the little bunny's floppy ears. "I thought I got all of her stuff out of here, ya know? I thought Chloe had it all. Don't know how I could have missed this." Susan wiped away a tear and put down the stuffed animal.
"Anyway, they let me see Chloe..she was drunk, high..I don't know. I couldn't even look at her. I always thought...I was just supposed to watch Suzie til Chloe got out of jail. But my darling little sister did it again. She was back in jail the day she got out. More drugs. So a few days became a week, which became a month, which became a few months. My house was covered with baby clothes, baby toys. My fridge was stocked with baby food, formula. Chloe got out of jail a lot, but she always ended up right back in there. After the first month, she never stayed in long, just a few short visits. She must've learned how to avoid the cops, and never to carry drugs outside of her apartment. She was smart...but she was so stupid too."
"We didn't see Chloe much...there was the daycare incident, and one time at the apartment. A few phone calls. A few Chloe-scares. Nothing major...compared to this. Suzie walked for me, smiled for me, and I loved her. She might as well have been my baby. For most of her life, she was."
"I never really believed Chloe could get clean. It just seemed like it would never happen. And then the judge tells me that Chloe's fine. Just like that, she gets my baby that night. And I had come to think of Suzie as my baby. I thought I had a right to. But she was Chloe's baby."
"She's your neice, Susan. And you're a great aunt." Susan sat down next to him, leaning back on the couch.
"But I want to be more." Susan paused, then picked up the bunny again. "And then there was that judge...she didn't know Chloe. She didn't know me, or Joe. But she never even met Suzie. No one could know what we've been through..what Chloe put us through. But she tried..or pretended to...and she took my baby away from me." Susan was holding the bunny in her arms, like a baby. Mark put his arms around her and let her lean on his shoulder.
She was hurting so much, and Mark just wanted to help her. He wanted to hold her and let her cry, or talk, or whatever she had to do. But she kept jumping up, rocking that stupid yellow rabbit and walking to the window, staring down at the street. He tried to keep his arms around her, to help her to feel safe. So she knew he was there for her. That he loved her.
"And she's gone now, Mark. I don't have my baby. I never really thought that Chloe would take her from me. Even if she could handle Suzie..even if she could win 'mother of the year'...I never thought she'd even consider taking Suzie from me. I thought she knew how much I love her. Suzie, I mean."
"Suzie, I do think that Chloe's really gotten it together. I don't think you have to worry about that. And I know it's hard...when I first moved away from Jenn and Rachel, I was alone for the first time in...well, since I met Jenn. 15 years ago. It's weird...it's tough."
"I didn't get to say goodbye, really. They just drove away and I was standing there, watching them leave. Watching Suzie cry as they pulled away, wanting to run after her and make her feel better. I spent my whole adult life watching out for my little sister. Making sure she was OK, her kid was OK. She was no angel before she was pregnant. Drug addict, alcoholic, even then. But I have to admit, she cared about Suzie...in her own little way. She found out she was pregnant a week into her 1st trimester, and she quit everything that day. She didn't touch any drugs, any drinks... hell, she didn't even have coffee. I told her what could happen if she didn't quit doing drugs, and she begged me to watch her, not to let her do anything to hurt her little baby. 'please Susie, help me. I don't want anything to happen to my little girl.' that's what she said. She knew she was having a girl, even then. But once her dear daughter was born, it was back to the wild life for Chloe. But she still tried to give Suzie a chance from the beginning. Gotta give her credit for that. She said she named her Suzie because she wanted her to turn out like me...she wanted her to be 'a smart girl, not to make all the stupid choices I did. I want a little girl like you, Susie, a perfect little angel.' Mark, if I'm such an angel, why do I just want to steal Suzie away from her and never let Chloe see her again?"
Mark took the stuffed bunny that Susan was holding. He set it down on the floor behind the couch, out of Susan's sight. She reached for it, looking for something to hold to take the place of her neice. Finding nothing, she leaned against Mark, defeated and exhausted, and began to sob and shake. He put an arm around her back. She crossed her legs under her body and turned to him, tears flowing from her blue-green eyes. She put her head on his chest, letting her tears fall onto his green scrubs.
"I think you need some rest, Susan. Why don't you go to bed?" She nodded weakly. He could barely feel the motion of her head against him. Mark helped her up and put his arm around her shoulders as he walked her to her bedroom. "Want to get changed? I'll wait outside." She shook her head.
"Don't leave me."
"Susan, it's a few seconds. You really should get changed, you'll be more comfortable."
"Don't leave." She pleaded, like a helpless child. "I'll get changed, just don't leave me."
Mark glanced at her skeptically. Any other time, he would have said no, but Susan was crying and shaking, gripping his arm and begging him to stay. She needed him there for her, and being in the next room wouldn't do. He tried not to look as he sat on the bed and stared at the wall. Her sobs became frustrated noises as she tried to undo the buttons of her shirt, but she was shaking too much. She walked over to him and looked at him sadly. Mark moved closer to her, letting her hug him and cry. He felt like grabbing her and kissing her, but she was too upset, too vulnerable. And he loved her. He didn't want to do anything to take advantage of their friendship and her loss. He gently undid her shirt buttons and pulled a t-shirt over her head. She was steadier now, with him there to help her. She managed to get on her flannel pajama pants on her own.
"Thank you, Mark."
"It's no problem, Susan. Now you'd better get into bed. I'm going to go after you fall asleep, but I'll come back in the morning." He pulled the covers back and help her hand as she climbed into bed. He tucked her in carefully and smoothed her hair gently. *like I used to tuck Rachel in* he thought. She smiled at him before drifting off to sleep.
Mark turned out the lights and walked out into the living room. He grabbed his lab coat and walked out the door, closing it behind him and checking to see that it was locked. Walking into the cool night, he glanced up at Susan's window and smiled at the image of her furniture silhouetted against the lights in the living room, with one large shadow of a bunny against the back of the couch.