By ~*Ai*~Wing
A.N.: The story is formatted in
two people's point of views. Enjoy!
I look out into the rain. Rain…clouds…gloom. The present weather could describe my emotions well. I feel lonely, unwanted…yet I am loved every second of my life. I just feel something is missing. All I want to be is a normal girl…one that feels comfortable to be herself…one that is not in the center of attention.
Father is always so busy. I know
that he does love me, but he never has the time to show it. He is a politician
and always catches the media's attention…no matter how much effort he puts in
to avoid that. My mother…I've always wanted to confide to her like many other
girls do. Yet, I feel that I cannot do so. I feel that there is no bond between
us. Even when I was little…she would try so hard for me to notice her, but I
ignored her completely. I was never too good with words, in my opinion. I don't
know what I was afraid of. I know it hurts my mother whenever I refuse to talk
to her. Maybe I just needed more time.
In front of all the classmates at school, I pretend to be someone that I am not. Everyone thinks that I'm so elegant when I ignore them. No one sees the real me. They all see me as the rich and classy daughter of the Vice Foreign Minister. Sometimes I wonder if they are my friends just because of my father. With my best friend, the same thing occurs. Although I know that she truly cares, I avoid chances to reveal my inner self to her. She is oblivious to the pain I'm feeling. Is it because I do not want to burden others with my problems? I guess so.
Above all, I just want for someone to understand me…for someone to experience the things I do. That is why I noticed him. He was mysterious and quiet. I felt this bond between us the first time I laid my eyes on him. His intense blue eyes, his wild brown hair…looking at him reminded me of someone. That someone…is me. From then on, I tried to bump into him for a chance to get to know this unique stranger. He was reckless and he didn't care what others thought. Unfortunately, he left before I had even said a simple greeting.
I closed my diary. That was all I ever wrote about. All this misery. I sighed as I climbed into bed and turned out the lights.
*~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~* *~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*
I looked around my new room. No, it was not new. I've had it since…it sure is tiring being an angel. Sure, I can fly and all that. However, I miss being…alive. I still don't understand why I did what I did. I had friends, a home, a promising future…but something was missing…a part of my soul. Yet, I threw the rest away because of the missing piece. It wasn't really worth it…or was it? Today, my job is to watch over people. I see my friends often, even though they are unaware of my presence. They all seem to have moved on in life. I watch over them whenever I can.
Duo…he was the comedian. It seemed that he was never serious, but he was my best friend out of the group. He always told me to look on the bright side.
Trowa…he and I understood each other without words. We were alike…but he didn't have the pain that I felt.
Quatre…he was the kind soul in our group. Never hesitating to offer a hand, he has undoubtedly impressed me.
Lastly, Wufei…he seemed all tough on the outside. But inside, I know he is a loyal friend.
I am grateful to them for what they have given me during my time with them. They had been there during the rough times. Our group of five…we conquered everything…we all succeeded…all except for me. I failed to see how they could've helped me with the pain I was dealing with. I knew I could have trusted them.
It was time for another shift. I could get used to this way of life. I left my room and prepared for another few hours of work.
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I am sitting in my room in tears at this moment. I don't know what is wrong with me. All of a sudden, I feel the need to cry. Nothing went wrong at school…but I feel so tired, so insecure. I need to talk to someone, anyone. Today, Hilde asked me if I was ok, out of the blue. I put on my million-dollar smile and assured her that nothing was wrong. Why didn't I tell her of my pain, my fears? Why couldn't I let out my emotions? Was I afraid that she would be scared of the problem filled world that I am presently living in? Was I afraid that she would not be able to handle problems as deep as mine? Even I didn't know what I was dealing with, let alone someone who does not know what I'm feeling. She once told me that best friends share their deepest problem. I don't know why I can't do so. I want to, but something keeps holding me back. The tears are flowing down my cheeks again. I hold myself as I curl up on my bed and sob at my heart's desire.
*~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~* *~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*
Looking through the crystal globe, I decide to see my friends first. They are playing basketball at the hang out. I enjoy watching them play and decided to listen in too.
"You guys are weak!" Duo cried out.
"What do you mean we're 'weak'?" Wufei shot back.
"You guys are weak competition. He's always a tough rival in b-ball." Duo replied as sadness passed his violet eyes.
"Duo, he's gone. Maybe to a better place." Quatre said gently.
"That bastard. Why'd he do that? We could have helped him!"
"I'm sure he wouldn't want to see us like this." Trowa commented quietly after being silent for so long.
Trowa is right. It's been a year and they're still at it, especially Duo. I owe them, yes. I'm also glad they still remember me. However, I don't want them to mention me in that way. It's sad and it really makes me feel guilty. That's something I'll have to deal with forever. For the first time, I feel like talking to them…not just thinking in my mind, but telling them. I know they won't be able to really hear me, but they will get the message in their hearts.
"Friends, it's been at least a year since I've last talked to you. I owe you guys…Remember to stay true to yourself and be at peace in your heart. I'll be watching over you…" My voice fades away as I can say nothing else. It hurts…bad. I watch for their reaction.
"Did you guys hear that?" Duo said with his eyes open wide.
All the guys nodded.
"That was…weird." Quatre whispered.
"That is so unlike him! I…can't…was it…" Duo babbled.
I let out a chuckle, which is something I haven't done for a long time. I agree, what I said was totally unlike me…I just felt the need to say it.
As the image faded, another one caught my eye. A golden blond girl was in the image. She was…really beautiful. I sensed some kind of familiarity with her…I don't know why. She was curled up…crying herself to sleep. She kind of reminded me of someone…Then it struck me. She reminded me of myself, not that I cry myself to sleep. She is just as miserable and insecure as I was. It is weird to think of someone like myself. At this moment, I feel sorry for her. I do not know what I can do to ease her of the pain she is so obviously dealing with. I watch her for a few more minutes…I know my job is to help people. I seriously could not think of anything I could do to help her. Then something clicked in my brain. I remember her…yes, she is the girl that caught my eye a few years back.
I was a transfer student at the school but I had only stayed for a few weeks. It seemed that no matter where I went, I always saw her. I always felt that she was similar to me in some way. Now I know how so. Determination is set in my brain as I will strive to help her, even though I have no idea how to just yet.
*~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~* *~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*
I wake up to find it is in the middle of the night. My pillow is slightly damp. I must have cried myself to sleep again. I felt hot tears burn my eyes. I tried to blink them back. What the hell was wrong with me? Why do I feel like this? Why do I just suddenly feel so sad and sorry for myself? I was not ugly. My grades were not low. I was not an outcast at school. My parents are together and they both love me very much. I just feel an unexplainable emptiness inside my heart. I need to share this with someone, but they are out of my reach. I sigh heavily and walk to the bathroom. It is best for me to wash up, change into my pajamas and go to bed. I am now ready for bed. I head to my drawers and unlock it. Then I dig for something. I finally found the bottle and took it out. It is the bottle of sleeping pills I take to help me sleep. My parents do not know of this, so I keep it in my locked drawers. I go towards my bed and sit down. I have already filled a glass of water for this purpose. I stare at the bottle. Do not take a maximum of 2 pills each time! That's what the warning reads. I keep staring at the bottle. Many thoughts are churning in my head. Suddenly, all my thoughts come together. If these are sleeping pills…is it possible to go to sleep…forever?
I take out a piece of paper and a pen. I start writing a note:
To whoever that reads this,
Today is the day that I feel
lighter at the heart. I am finally moving on to a brighter new world!!! Father,
Mother, don't blame yourselves. You have been the best parents a girl could
have. I love you both. Milliardo, you've been a great brother and a great role
model. Please don't be angry with me. I need to follow my own path. Hilde,
don't freak. You're my best friend and you'll always be in my heart. I thank
you for all the good times we had.
I continued with the goodbye note. I thanked and said goodbye to anyone I could think of. I finally ended it:
Please don't blame yourselves. I
can't get rid of this emptiness inside me so I have gone to a better place.
The angels will take me away
from this miserable world and meaningless life…to a new world full of hope and
love.
Love,
Relena.
I slowly open the bottle. I start taking the pills one at a time. It is my eighth pill. I look at the bottle and I empty the rest in my mouth as I use the glass of water to help me swallow all of them.
*~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~* *~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*
My shift is about to end soon. I better take one last look. Maybe I'll check on that girl once more. Ah, I have found her image. I squint to see what she is doing…oh my! She is taking pills and overdosing too. I feel panicked as I think of what I can do. I know this image all too well. Maybe she needs someone to talk to like I did. Right now, I need to rush to her side. I quickly transport myself to her location, praying that it's not too late.
*~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~* *~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*
I pull the covers up to my chin and look around my room for the last time. My riding ribbons, my debate trophies, my pictures of my family and friends. A single tear falls from my eye.
"It will be better this way." I say to myself. I shiver. I am so cold. I pull my covers closer. Soon, all that's surrounding me is fading away. Before I know it, I was enveloped in darkness. It wasn't long before a great light encircles me. Has the angel or the devil come for me? I see a silhouette coming towards me. Through the mist, I can make out that it's a boy around my age…He has…wings. Finally, he is so close that I can see his face. I recognize him immediately. He's the boy that I have wanted to say a simple hello to…but never got the chance to. His brows were scrunched together and he wore a frown as he looked at me. I couldn't wait any longer.
"Are you an angel?" I asked him. He nodded.
"Have you come for me?"
*~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~* *~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*
"Have you come for me?" she asked me. I thought for a minute to choose my words to answer carefully.
"I've come because of you." I say. She seemed somewhat confused. I try to explain myself. I decide to at least know her name first.
"What's your name?" I ask.
"Relena…what's yours?" she whispers.
"Heero." I answer quietly. I muster up my courage to ask her.
"Why would you want to end your life?" I demand.
"I am alone, secluded from others. I feel an unexplainable emptiness inside of me. I…" She doesn't finish because tears are falling from her eyes. This is all too familiar.
"Dying is not the solution." I finally say.
"How would you know?" She asks.
"Because I have been in your position. I think I felt the same emptiness as you do."
"You are an angel. You shouldn't feel what I feel."
"I was not always an angel…I was one of the mortals when I first met you"
"Oh…I see."
"You'll regret it. I brought hurt among my friends and family. I will have to deal with that guilt forever."
"But being an angel is so free! You are not confined in a dark world, ever."
"I agree that I've learned to enlighten myself, but you will miss all that you throw away at this moment! It's not worth it!"
"Then what can I do to escape this horrible life?" She was in tears again.
"Do what I never did. Open up to those close to you. Accept their love and love yourself. Put your trust in them. And lastly…follow your emotions." I whispered. The memories brought back too much pain. It was almost unbearable.
"It's too late!" She sobbed. Too late? Why? I couldn't figure out why anything is too late.
"I already ate all those pills. I'm going to die anyway."
For the first time I met her, I knew what to do.
"Leave it to me." I say. She stares at me as if I'm crazy.
"After all, I am an angel. Don't worry. Trust me. You'll be fine."
*~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~* *~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*
"After all, I am an angel. Don't worry. Trust me. You'll be fine." He said.
I smile after all this time. Somewhere in my heart, even though I had only just met him, I feel that I can trust him. Suddenly, he fades away, the light disappearing with him.
"Wait! Don't go!" I yell after him.
He gives a slight grin and says. "Just believe in me…and in yourself." With that, he was gone. I plunged back into darkness…
"Relena, honey?" I hear a soft whisper close to my ear. I slowly open my eyes. They become blinded by bright light. My eyes slowly adjust to the new surrounding. All images are still unclear. I squint to make out where I am and who is beside me. I see my father, my mother and Hilde. My brother was missing. I look around and I figure I must be in a hospital room. I guess it wouldn't hurt asking anyway.
"Where am I?" I ask quietly.
"You are in the …hospital…honey." I hear my mom choke on her words.
"Did we do anything wrong?" My dad says with evident hurt in his voice. I shake my head gently. I thought I had explained it pretty well in my note.
"Where's Milliardo?" I whisper.
"He's outside…do you want him in here?" Father asks.
I nod gently since pain was pounding on my skull. It took five minutes before the door opens. In come my brother and father. I could see the anger in my brother's eyes. He was silent when he finally spat out the question.
"Why?" He demands angrily.
All of a sudden, my emotions swirl and I lose control. For the first time in a long time, I let it out. I cry in front of them and tell them about how lonely I was. How I felt no bond between anyone. How I pretended in front of everyone. They all listened quietly as I sobbed and cried my heart out. Finally I finish telling them my pain. I took the advice of Heero and I opened up to the ones closes to me…Father, Mother, Milliardo and Hilde.
After keeping quiet for so long, Hilde finally said something. "Why didn't you tell us…me…before?" She asked in her shaky voice.
I think for a while before I open my mouth to tell her. "I was afraid…afraid that I would be too difficult to handle." Suddenly, all the tears started to flow from my eyes again.
"You could have told me! You're my best friend and no matter what you're experiencing, I'll still be here for you." Hilde exclaims. A touch of anger is in her voice.
I choke out apologies. "I'm sorry…" I say before I burst into tears again.
"Ssshhh…it's ok. Just rest for now." My mother whispers soothingly. I nod but a question pokes through the back of my mind.
"How did you find me in time?" I whisper. The whole house should have been asleep at the time.
"Well…an angel came to us." My mother tells me.
"An angel?"
"Yes, we were asleep when this bright light came into our room. We saw an angel and he told us you were in trouble. We didn't want to believe it…but it wouldn't hurt to take a precaution. We immediately went to your room and found you in your bed with that note in your hands. Then we rushed you to the hospital." My father explains.
I smile a true smile. An angel. It must have been him. Now, I can close my eyes and rest peacefully.
*~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~* *~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*
I watch this scene between Relena and her family. I am glad she is ok, that she did not follow in my path. I guess there was some purpose for me to throw away all the things I love. That reason was to save other people. People that were in need of a listener…which was something I didn't have…Someone to listen to their problems and encourage them to continue fighting. I can feel a pain working its way through my soul as painful memories are brought back. If someone had been there to listen…I wouldn't have ended up like this. I should have listened to my own advice. But I have saved someone from making a huge mistake, and I will continue to do so. It will be my duty from now on. My lips light up into a genuine smile…something I had almost forgotten how to do, as I walk back to my room. My work here is done…for now.
*~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~* *~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*
It has been a month since my suicide attempt. None of my friends at school, except Hilde, knew of this. They just thought I was sick…and I intend to keep it that way. I am just starting to learn how to open up to others, to trust them and to love myself. These days, I have gotten closer to my family and Hilde. I give more credit to myself now.
The rain is gently caressing my hair as I am walking down the street without an umbrella. I love the rain now. It doesn't cause me to pity myself as it once did. I just enjoy the beautiful scenes that are made by the rain.
I owe this all to one boy…one angel. He cannot turn back in time. He was not as lucky as I was. I truly feel sorry for him and his friends. Without him though, I would've never realized how important the things I presently have are. I pass cemetery and one particular tombstone catches my eye. It is Heero's tombstone. I pay my respects and promise to return. I leave with a smile. Yes, I've learned how to smile from the heart and I owe it all to him. If he is watching over me right at this moment, he would be proud. Although we haven't known each other for a long time, I still feel that special bond with him that I first felt. Maybe it was because we were so alike.
The rain has lightened up a bit…into drizzle. I know that the sun will soon be peaking out from the clouds. I look up into the heavens one more time before I continue my way home.
A.N.: How was the story?
Finally, I have something finished!! Hehe! Anyway, please R+R, but no intense
flames please! If you're confused…then, well tell me in the reviews or
something I'll try to contact you to explain, but I think the story's pretty
straight forward. Sorry if the format's a bit screwed. Anyway, thanks for
reading!