TITLE: justify AUTHOR: Athena Asamiya <empresskatzy@hotmail.com> SERIES: Guilty Gear TYPE: Part 4/5 in the Amor Exitiabilis Est series. RATING: PG-13 WARNING: Implied Solky yaoi. General confusion and trippy psyche weirdness. I think Ky-chan made be coked up on something. O_o;; (Is the second voice actually Kuro? Hmmm...) SETTING: Two years after Sol stole the Fuenken and left the Seikishidan, the imprisonment of Justice, the end of the Crusades, yadda yadda...the year 2177, if you want to get specific. ^_~ THEME: "Losing My Religion" by REM. (XD) COMMENTS: ...Finally, Asa-chan got off her lazy arse and wrote this fic, part 4 in the Amor Exitiabilis Est series (and counter-fic to Sol's plea). ^^;; And it's all because of Ruaki, I swear. Damn it, Roo, if I end up having a mental breakdown because of being overstressed with Solky fanfic writing, it'll be all your fault, you hear me? *sniffle* You and your bedamned inspirational art and scribbles...gahhhhhh.... *rolls over and dies* ^_~;; So this sucker's dedicated to you, since you wanted it so much. Plus Amor wouldn't be able to continue unless we had a little Ky-chan vignette first, y'know. ^_~ Coming up next and last: The finale of the series, a songfic entitled "Psychopomp", where everything's going to come together...or fall apart. ^_~ Reviews and comments on this fic are appreciated -- + i dO0 n0tt ph34r flaems!!!!!!!1111 Mwaha. Enjoy.
For as long as I can remember, I have known war. I have seen the carnage and chaos it produces, witnessed the slaughter of those around me, and felt the sheer terror of being completely helpless, unable to do a thing. As such, my past and my childhood are nothing more than blood-tinted shadows to me, lost and purposely forgotten. I don't ever want to return to those times, when I was so weak and powerless. When I was only able to save myself, escaping through the darkness to spare my own practically worthless being.
But I have since been unable to save my soul from the nightmares that haunt me. A part of me still remains in that time, at that moment. A moment that is only remembered by the fleeting images in my dreams, and a golden cross necklace that I will forever keep with me. As a reminder of my first sin.
You've always felt so guilty...because you can still hear the voice - HER voice - crying out to you...
The past is dead. I have killed it, and I will admit it. I don't want to ever remember those hellish days, before I found my true purpose in life. The pursuit of justice as an honourable soldier, prosecuting against those which had caused me so much pain as a child. Those that had raped the Earth with their presence, and served as constant reminders of man's blaspheming against God. Those that had murdered everyone dear to me and left me all alone to the world.
The Gears.
I hated those monsters with a kind of passion that I cannot even begin to express. They were horrible, unnatural creations, a product of our own overconfidence and sacrilege against God. So many years ago, Man decided that he would become God by creating a new being in his own image, just as our Father did at the beginning of time. However, something went wrong with Man's plan -- his creations rebelled against him and rampaged across the world, aiming to destroy its creator. Man's control over his beings, the Gears, had been lost.
...Perhaps not unlike mankind itself, after all.
I have only heard distant stories from that time, in textbook descriptions and passed-down legends -- about how the prototype Gear escaped and was never seen again, how the Crusades were started by Justice's release in 2074, and how one man was behind everything. Of course, he died many years ago, and hopefully is rotting in hell where he belongs, for bringing this plague onto Earth. It was such a foolish thought, that we could surpass our Creator by becoming a creator ourselves. I truly wonder how we could have overlooked the inevitable consequences -- that we would lose control over our creations, and never regain it. And now there was no undoing the carnage that had followed. The damage had been done.
Justice had been very thorough in his plans for the Earth's domination by the Gears, an army that he organized and led. But even he, Gear-01 and man's supposed finest creation, did not foresee the human race's finest banding together to create an army of their own -- the Seikishidan, the Sacred Order of Holy Knights.
The Seikishidan, my adoptive family, after my real parents
your mother tears screaming blood a gold crucifix IT WON'T GO AWAY
had been murdered by the Gear armies. My father had been one of the top-ranking warriors in a division of the Seikishidan, and had been good friends with the leader of the Knights, a courageous man named Kliff Undersn. Although I had never met him, he knew my family well, and mourned their loss with a sadness that I did not expect from someone that I didn't know. It was only then that I understood how hard my parents had tried to keep me sheltered from the chaos of war. They never wanted me involved, with anything.
...But destiny had other plans for you.
As per my father's final request, I was taken into the Seikishidan when I was still a child, and under the wing of Kliff, the leader and high commander himself. Such was an honour few could have hoped for. And so I begun my life anew, pouring my heart and soul into my swordplay lessons and schooling. It was all I had left, now. Master Kliff almost became like a second father to me, instructing me in martial arts and the ways of war. It appeared that I, too, had a path that led me straight into the heart of the Crusades.
Whether by chance or by influence of my childhood, I was a born soldier. Even though I kept a calm and polite composure in everyday life, I had been told that I was a demon on the battlefield. My weapon of choice was the longsword, and I can't even begin to count how many Gears I had cut down without a shred of mercy. They didn't deserve it. I was an honourable warrior to the end, but Gears deserved no honour, no sympathy.
Death was a reward for them, I think. Especially since all their actions were under Justice's control. They were only puppets, being used in a self-righteous mockery of liberation.
How is that different from you, really...?
The years passed into my adolescence, and I moved up through the ranks of the Seikishidan more quickly than anyone had expected. Except for Master Kliff, of course. He always believed that I was capable of great things, always ready to push me harder, to challenge me. And I excelled. I became one of the youngest captains on the field, at only age fifteen, and found myself liked and admired by all. It was...nice.
Then I was given a higher responsibility than any -- one that I had hardly expected and was not entirely ready for. Master Kliff announced his retirement a year later, and named me as his successor. That I, a sixteen-year-old swordsman, would be the new leader of the Seikishidan.
It stunned me.
Nevertheless, I had no right to refuse the opportunity, and agreed to it. None disagreed with the decision or challenged me for the position. In a grand ceremony, I became the high commander of the Seikishidan, and received an incredible gift as the mark of my newfound status -- one of the Seikishidan's most prized treasures, Furaiken, the Thunderseal Sword. A magnificent weapon able to call up the magical power of lightning -- and magic users were scarce in our society, disregarding the Gears and their unnatural talent for sorcery. It was power, and I vowed to never use it unwisely. Everything up to that moment, I did in the belief that I was glorifying God's existence, and I was performing the actions that He wished of me. God wished for us to eradicate the existence of Gears from the Earth, and so we fought our holy war, never giving in. I was set in my beliefs and my goals, and everything was stable. I was fine.
But everything changed the day I met him.
Everything.
My mind still returns to that day, quite often. More than I would prefer, really. I can still visualize our first introduction, when Master Kliff was finally triumphant in his search for the rogue bounty hunter that he had sought for so long. When I think back on it, I remember being slightly disconcerted by Master Kliff's feelings -- it seemed to me that he was almost a little apprehensive of the two of us meeting. And now I understand why -- he knew how different our personalities were, and suspected an imminent clash between us.
He was right.
But it WAS my duty as the new high commander to welcome the recruit, especially since he was apparently so talented in swordplay that he had automatically garnered a position in the esteemed Combat Special Division. That alone was enough to earn my respect; however, I surely wouldn't have given anything remotely resembling respect if I had known what the infamous Sol Badguy was truly like.
-brash and disrespectful and rude and discourteous and uncouth and everything else you can't stand, can't stand at all-
I couldn't stand him. From the moment that he looked into my eyes and dismissed me as nothing but a child, I despised his presence. He seemed to make it his goal to mock and patronize me at any opportunity, taunting me with smirks and those bedamned crimson eyes. Indeed, he WAS everything I couldn't stand. The only respect I would give him was for his fighting ability -- although it was obvious that he had had no formal training, he was a master swordsman, and my equal. MY equal. None had ever come close to besting my skill -- not to say that I wouldn't have minded some competition, though I definitely wouldn't have wanted HIM to be my rival. But I couldn't change the facts. He was-
better than you
-a challenge. An obstacle that I couldn't overcome. I don't even know how many times I, seeking at least some form of retribution for his slandering, challenged him to swordplay matches, and lost. How many times I found myself on the ground, sword lying some distance away, feeling the cold choke of defeat, glancing up at his tall form shadowing over me. Smirking. He always gloated about it. He knew all my weaknesses, and exactly how to exploit them. In a way, he was also a combat genius -- although I somehow didn't think that could account for the almost...inhuman...strength and power that he possessed...
Savage and brutal, completely merciless...you had wondered more than once if he was truly what he claimed to be...just a bounty hunter and nothing more...
And I still wonder sometimes. But there are no answers. I no longer know him.
Because he betrayed me. Him and those damnable eyes and casual caresses and secret embraces. The attraction had always been undeniable, as undeniable as the fact that we were complete and utter opposites, and that was what truly drew us to each other. But he betrayed everything.
...you surrendered your feelings, and you were cast away without knowing why.
My feelings...?
Yes.
.....Yes.
When did you realize you felt something for him? Something so strong that you couldn't deny it, or resist him, or refuse him?
.....I don't know. But I-
-No excuses. You wanted him. You realized you wanted him.
.....I suppose I did, once. Once not too long ago, when he showed me that I didn't have to be someone else's expectations...I could just be myself. I didn't have to be almighty and superior, holding everyone's lives and the fate of the human race on my shoulders -- a responsibility that I had always been unsure of taking, as it had come with some horrible prices. For him, I didn't have to be any of that. He had loved me for who I was.
Before he betrayed me. Stole my heart, destroyed my feelings, and left me abandoned and torn at only sixteen years old.
It's only been two years since then...since I woke up that morning and found him gone, along with one of the Seikishidan's holy weapons, the Fireseal Sword, Fuenken. He had stolen the match to my sword Furaiken, threw away his short knighthood, and left the Seikishidan forever. Left me forever.
I was so hurt that I couldn't say a word.
...holding his gold crucifix, the one from his uniform that he abandoned next to you, feeling a single tear roll down your cheek...
Meanwhile, outside of my own hidden feelings, the entire Seikishidan was in an uproar at his betrayal -- and even more so at his thievery of one of our precious relics. Many of the soldiers were ready to sanction him with extreme prejudice, and even more ready to seek him out for punishment, but I wouldn't allow it. Mankind was nearing its final battle with the Gears, and their leader, Justice, so I was able to use that as a convenient excuse to temporarily call off the search for Sol. I even promised my troops that I would be the one to track him down and deliver retribution, once our war was over. Everyone accepted that. They all knew of our fierce rivalry, and assumed that I wanted a final chance to defeat him, once and for all.
They were wrong. They knew of our rivalry, but not our love.
But that was what I wanted them to believe.
I wanted them to believe that I hated him. I wanted them to believe that I wished for his defeat for than anything.
And after awhile, I began to believe it myself.
What a twisted notion, that you would believe a lie that you created.
I had no choice.
...pushing your true feelings away, as usual. How pathetic.
Fortunately, the climax of the Crusades was able to take my mind off him, if only temporarily. With thousands of soldiers at my command, I hadn't come to depend on his presence in battle, so he was not needed in the final fight of the Crusades. His absence had made no difference. I was not distracted in the least when I sealed Justice, using the power of the Furaiken. I did not think of him.
the way he looked at you that night...as if you were the only person in the world that mattered...
But I had vowed to forget that, all of it. It no longer existed in my mind. He was no longer-
-your lover.
No. Never again.
I had made my decision. I have since decided to focus completely on my goal of defeating him, because it seems to be the only way to make these feelings stop. Denial is proving to be hardly worth the effort. I need to stand over him, sword in hand, watching him writhe at my feet in his failure to defend himself against God's holy judgment. Though not simply as punishment for shaming the Seikishidan, although that's what I wanted him and everyone else to believe. It was so he can feel the pain that he made me feel when he abandoned everything we had.
And we had something.
It may be a lie. But it's the only way.
Other than admitting it.
But I do not want to admit it, or anything, anymore. It did not happen. Nothing happened. I felt nothing at all for him, and I still feel nothing for him -- except for the same frustration and dislike that I had always felt for him. Nothing has changed that, because nothing has changed since. I don't feel anything for that barbarian, whom I have a rivalry with and nothing more.
...Are you sure?
Yes. I am sure. These are my true feelings.
No.
Yes, they are.
No, they are not. They are not your true feelings and you know it. You lie, Ky Kiske. You lie to yourself, you lie to your friends, and you lie to God while you escape into your safe little world with the past locked away-
NO! I will not accept this-
You won't accept what you're trying so hard to deny? You won't accept that you truly love him?
He betrayed me. There is nothing more between us.
Except for your own feelings.
My true feelings are...
...It's all too late for that now.
Please, God...forgive me.
Because I know I will never be able to forgive myself.
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