The Pain of Love A Duo
angst story arc
by
Yanagi-sen
Gundam
Wing fanfic
Usual
disclaimers apply. G-boys and Relena
aren't mine. The song mentioned is
'Lift the Wings' from Riverdance.
Warnings:
angst, Relena-sympathetic, AU, OOCness
/
character thoughts /
Author's
Note: This sidestory takes place around the same time as "Too Late: Frozen".
Sidestory 1: A Good Day to Die
AC196:
Winter
"Aaaaaiiee!!" For a moment, Relena wasn't sure if she had
screamed out loud or just in her dream. She sat, bolt upright in her bed, listening. All she could hear was her own ragged breathing. Since no one was currently breaking down her
door, she figured she hadn't screamed aloud. But that knowledge was of scant comfort. She cradled her head in her shaking hands, trying to calm her
pounding heart. The silk sheets were
twisted around her body and she'd managed to kick off the feather blanket
again. Relena wiped the mingled sweat
and tears from her face with a trembling hand.
The dreams were getting worse, there
was no denying it. This was the fourth
night in a row. She peered around her
room with haunted eyes. /Such a pretty
prison, my gilded cage. / Relena had no
illusions about her situation. She was
a pawn, simple as that. She also had no
illusions as to what would happen to her when she outlived her usefulness. Hence her nightmares.
She considered trying to go back to
sleep. /Why bother? / She shrugged and untangled her legs from the
twisted silk. She sighed as she drew on
a robe. Morpheus wasn't going to be
visiting her again anytime soon. She
padded silently to the heavily curtained French doors leading to the
balcony. She pulled back the drape with
one still-shaking hand. The snow that
had been falling for most of the day had stopped. The waning moon shone coldly on the frozen garden. The stars had that frosty sharpness that one
only sees on the coldest and clearest of winter nights.
She was standing so close to the glass that she
could feel the cold seeping in. The
panes started to fog over from her breath. Relena leaned closer and exhaled, obscuring the whole panel. She made a small clear hole with her finger,
just like she used to do in the frost as a child. She peered out through the magic gate, looking at the winter
faerieland. /So pretty on the outside,
just like my life. I mean, who wouldn't
want to be treated like a queen? Ah
yes, 'Queen of the World'. Trapped with
in her own palace like Rapunzel in her tower. Only there's no prince coming for me. This wing is quiet, it must be very late, or very early, same
difference. It would be nice to wake up
for once and have someone nearby. /
Relena pulled the curtain shut again. She crossed the room to the banked
fireplace, unerringly avoiding various articles of furniture and other
obstacles. How many times had she
restlessly wandered about this room? Too many to keep track of that's for sure. Kneeling before the fireplace, she poked at the sleeping embers
and added more wood. Relena curled up
in her favorite chair and stared into the flickering flames.
/I'm so lonely. I feel like I'm always alone, even in a crowd. If I was inclined to make friends here, I can't. It wouldn't be safe, for either of us. I'm so tired, tired of always being on my
guard, of the distance I have to maintain. It's exhausting, playing the games day in and day out. I would gladly trade all the jewels, the
adoration, the fame; for one decent friend. Just to see one friendly face
everyday. Dorothy's pseudo-kindness
doesn't count. I don't trust that girl
any farther than I can throw her, which wouldn't be far, not with that hair. /
Relena closed her eyes, mind casting back a year and
more. /Oh Father, I used to think your
job was so exciting. Traveling, meeting
new people, going to all those functions. Well, here I am. Your little
girl is 'Queen of the World', and all I do is get dressed up and shown off like
some porcelain doll. At least you
didn't know you were going to be killed. Sometimes I think it is only a matter of time for me.
/I always thought it would be Heero pulling the
trigger. He certainly pointed the gun
at me enough times. I wonder where he
is now. I haven't thought about him for
months. I hope he's doing better than
me. Wonder if he's learned to talk
yet? In words of more than one syllable
that is. I hope he's wearing something
warmer than those tanktops and spandex. I wonder if Maxwell's lost his smile. And Quatre, I hope he's doing better. He looked so lost last time I saw him. Wish I knew if they ever found Trowa. Speaking of someone who needs to learn to talk. And Wufei, I'm curious to know if anyone's
taken him down a peg or two yet. I'm
really not being fair to him, I did kind of make a nuisance of myself.
/How did I manage to lose everything that was so
important to me in such a short period of time? Not that any of the pilots were ever really my friends. But compared to the people here at
Romafeller, they're veritable soulmates. I must have driven them nuts, showing up all the time the way I
did. I made such an idiot of
myself. Ah, the good old days. This all started that day I found him on the
beach. I wonder if I would have done
anything differently, knowing how this would all turn out? I'm just marking my time here. Till I cease to be convenient that is. Then Dermail will find another and I will be
quietly removed in a 'tragic accident'. / She snorted. /They probably
think I haven't figured this out yet. Dorothy is the only one who doesn't underestimate me.
/Oh, Heero. I was such a fool. I am such a fool. Is my dream just naïve on my part? Oh well, it's a nice fantasy, keeps me
company on these long, lonely nights. Odd to think of you as my shelter, when all you would say to me was,
'omae o korosu'. How weird. I thought you were so determined to kill
me. At least with you I knew where I
stood. Here…it's all games. Guessing and second-guessing. Trying to outmaneuver others without letting
them flank you. You probably wouldn't
believe me, but there is as much strategy in negotiating the ballroom as on the
battlefield. Our weapons are a little
different is all.
/I wonder if you Gundam pilots ever
feel like this? Out there, on the front
lines, with no support, no allies except each other. How much of what you do is dictated to you, I wonder? Are you pawns too? We're all pawns I think, but I'm not quite sure exactly who is pulling all the strings. Well, I think I know who is pulling mine, at
least.
/Sometimes I feel like I'm made of
water. Dermail pours me into a mould
and I take whatever form he gives me. I
don't like it, but it's kept me alive so far. Water may seem weak, but gather enough of it together, and get it moving
fast enough; and the gentle stream can wash away anything in its path. Look out, Dermail. Give me enough time and there won't be anything left of Romafeller when I'm done! If I can stay alive long enough.
/How fragile my existence is. /
*sigh* /Stop dwelling. It'll only
depress you. As if I need help. It's winter. I must be seasonal affective or something. Everything is so cold, just like the people
here. Pretty, perfect on the outside, a
mask hiding the ugliness underneath. I
don't think I'll ever be warm again. / She closed her eyes and drew the throw down from the back of the
chair. Relena curled up under its
comforting warmth. It was one on the
few things she had from home. She'd had
it a long time. Her 'mother' said that
'father' had wrapped it around her when he fled the Sank kingdom. It was the only token she had. She cast her mind back, trying to remember
something, anything, of her birth parents. /Nothing.
/All I ever desired was a 'normal'
life. Was that too much to ask? Of course I didn't know what 'normal' was
until I got into this mess. All I
wanted was to meet a nice boy and have a good life. Go into politics like father, have a career. Now here I am, 'Queen of the World', you'd
think it was a fairytale. Only in this
one, I don't get to live 'happily-ever-after'. I might not live at all. There
is no prince, only five knights who might just leave me here. No, Quatre at least will come for me. He's too caring not to. It might have been nice to find a prince
though.
/How long can one survive without
love? Without a kind word? The body survives, but can the soul? Even if they don't kill me, how long before
I am as bitter and cynical as Dorothy? How does that song go? 'How can the heart survive? Can it stay alive? If it's love's denied for long?' Can I survive? Can my dreams
survive? Is there anyone to pick up my
torch, or will it be extinguished forever?
/I don't think I can do this alone,
not anymore. I'm in way over my head
here. I was willing to give up my
freedom, even my life, for my people. Now I feel as though I am responsible for the entire world. I've lost nearly everything. But I refuse to roll over and be Dermail's
good little puppet. They put me in this
position because they knew the people would love me. I'm young, pretty, with a tragic past, and I say exactly what
they want to hear. The people love the
'Queen', but does anyone love 'Relena'? Oh, Heero. I wonder if you love
me? Even just a little. Will you come help me? Will anyone help me? Can
anyone save me now? My time is
definitely running out. Dermail wasn't
happy with my little speech at the council meeting yesterday. Too many of 'his' supporters are coming
around to my way of thinking. Well, I
may not survive this, but I'll do my best to undermine Romafeller from within
while I am here.
/Find me, please! Any of you. Even Wufei. I'll put up with him
calling me 'onna' in that condescending way of his for the rest of my life, if
he would get me out of here. What if
they didn't get my message? I don't
know if I dare risk sending another. I
was so afraid Dermail would trace the first one. Oh, I don't care if he traces it to me. He'll just kill me. But
if he traced the message to the pilots…
/Heero could handle Dermail. I don't think there is a situation that
Maxwell couldn't talk his way out of. Then again, he's just as likely to talk his way into more trouble. But he's a survivor. I don't know Wufei or Trowa well enough, but
I suppose they can take care of themselves. But if Dermail got a hold of Quatre, I could never forgive myself. He's not
weak; he's just…he's Quatre. He's like
a little brother you don't want to see get hurt. Unfortunately, he's the one most likely to come for me. /
Relena got up and wandered back to
her bed. She needed to sleep; she had
an early bout with the council and then a full slate of meetings. She pulled the bedding back into some
semblance of neatness and lay down. She
curled up with her blanket, seeking comfort in its well-worn and familiar
presence. /I wonder if Dermail will
kill me today? Would I become a
martyr? If it would end this war, then
today would be a good day to die. /
-sin
sin, tis done-
Poor,
poor Relena. Pick up the story line
again in Parting Ways.
-
This is a somewhat odd little fic, I don't usually like Relena. It started out as a songfic, but the song
wasn't working so I took it out and this was the result. But if you think this sidestory is weird,
wait till you see the next one...