Part 7

"Buffy! What'd you do that for?", Dawn protested. "He just got here!" Buffy tried to dismiss the visit as unimportant. She had to get Dawn to quit thinking it was normal to be hanging around with vampires. "If he really wanted to sit around having cocoa, he could have stopped by before now." *Damn!* Buffy wanted to kick herself. *Why can't I just be honest with her?* The anger Dawn had felt earlier flared back to life. "How was he supposed to stop by, when he's been UNCONCIOUS for a week?" Buffy looked guiltily down at her shoes. She hadn't realized that Dawn had heard. "Dawn, I didn't want to lie to you, but I just couldn't cause you any more pain by telling you." "Fine", huffed Dawn, "but then you just lied to me about him not wanting to be here."

Buffy sighed. She'd come home with intentions of being honest with Dawn, and though the circumstances were now different, it was time to do this. "I'm sorry, Dawn. I shouldn't have lied about that. It really is time that you and I had an honest talk." Dawn looked at Buffy, distrust obvious in Dawn's eyes. "No more lies?" "No." "Promise?" "Yes, Dawn, I promise." "Ok, then talk." Dawn walked into the living room and plopped down into a chair. Buffy sat on the arm of the chair and stroked Dawn's hair. "It is so hard to have to tell you this, Dawn." Buffy paused to think just how to word what she needed to say. "I know that you've been through a lot, and I know that Spike has protected you, more than once. Of course you're extremely grateful, we all are, that he came through for you, for all of us, but these were extreme circumstances. We needed someone with his strength to protect you when I couldn't be around."

Buffy put her arm around her sister, before she continued. "But you have to stop thinking of him as being safe to be around. A soulless vampire, who has killed many people, is not the buddy of a 14-year-old girl. He can be very dangerous." Buffy paused for a moment. She didn't even like to think of this herself, let alone tell her little sister, but it was necessary. "Dawn, if his chip ever stops working…", Buffy felt her sister suddenly tense under her arm. "Get away from me", Dawn hissed. She tried to pull away from Buffy. Buffy let go of Dawn, startled by the force of her sister's anger. When Buffy continued to stand there watching her, Dawn spoke sharply under her breath, "I said… Get. Away. From. Me." Buffy was at a loss for words, but left to give her sister time to calm down.

As Buffy walked by the front door, she could sense that Spike was still hanging around outside. Why wouldn't he go? She thought she'd been pretty clear that he was supposed to leave. Sighing, she opened the door and stepped out on the porch, closing the door behind her. Spike was pacing at the end of the walk, but he stopped and looked at Buffy when he heard her step outside. She walked out to meet him where he was standing. "Why are you still here?" Spike glared at her. "Because you owe me some kind of explanation. It's always this way with you. Run to Spike when you need him to protect your family, or find your sis who's run off, or risk his life for you, but as soon as you're done using me, it's 'Don't talk to me' and 'You're disgusting'. I really thought this time would be different. Stupid bloody wanker I am, I guess. Well… Make up your mind! Spike's not your sodding plaything, to toss back on a shelf when you're done with it. I kept letting you do that, but no more. This time, you're gonna decide just where I stand with you: respected ally or disgusting enemy. And don't give me any of this 'vampires don't have any feelings', 'cause you bloody well know I do! And furthermore…" "Spike", Buffy interrupted him. "Stop. I get the idea. And you're right, I do owe you an explanation, and I do need to make a decision."

Spike seemed surprised that Buffy had relented so easily, but at least now, hopefully, she would quit playing her games. Buffy sighed, "This seems to be my night for having to tell people things I'd rather not have to say." She turned to Spike and forced herself to look him in the eye. She was not going to let herself show any lack of resolve. "Spike, I really wish it didn't have to be this way, but it does. I know that the way I've treated you after accepting your help seems despicable. But it was also necessary." "Necessary?! How is treating someone like dirt, necessary?!" "Spike, please, just let me finish. You demanded an explanation, and I'm giving one, so let me say what I have to say."

Spike didn't respond, but waited for her to continue. "It's necessary because I need to keep the line from blurring." She noticed the confusion on his face and tried to clarify. "I mean I've been putting more and more trust in you, and at times it's felt like you were more than an ally, that you were a friend. I have to keep reminding myself that it can't be that way. I have to keep the line between good and evil from blurring." Spike started to protest, but Buffy silenced him again. "I know you've been trying to be good. Been doing a damn fine job of it in fact. But there's still the fact that you're simply prevented from acting on your natural tendencies by the chip.

Spike interrupted again, and he was not going to let Buffy stop him from speaking this time. "You STILL don't understand that I've really changed? That it's not just the chip?!" He almost blurted out that the chip was already not working, just to prove that he was still the same, no chip. But he caught himself. This was Buffy, as in 'stake-first-ask-questions-later' Buffy. She looked at Spike kind of sadly as she replied. "Sometimes, I find myself wanting to believe that. Because now, you're so much more man than monster. It would hurt to have to kill you." She looked away from him then. She couldn't meet his eyes. "The longer I allow myself to accept the chipped Spike, the harder it will be to accept the truth. Once your demon is unrestrained again, it will regain control. I will have to kill you. I can't allow that to become more difficult than it would already be. If you come to fight me, I can't hesitate, trying to see if the man is still there in the monster somewhere. That could very possibly lead to your 'one good day'. I'm risking my life and the lives of countless other people by accepting you as a friend. Worst of all, I've put Dawn at risk."

"Dawn has been considering you safe to be around, because I've treated you that way. I'll never forgive myself, or you, if she is with you when the chip malfunctions, and you hurt her." Spike cut in sharply, "Little Bit knows it's not just the chip." "No. She doesn't." Buffy shot back angrily. "I tried having a similar conversation with her, and as soon as I mentioned that the chip could stop working, she nearly bit my head off. She refuses to even hear mention of a non-working chip, because she knows what that would mean. She refuses to think about that, because she's terrified of the thought of you unchipped!" Spike took a step back. That had hurt even more than Buffy's own wariness. Buffy only feared for her ability to perform her duty. Dawn was afraid of him!

"So there's your explanation. I find myself getting more comfortable with you, and as the slayer, I can't allow myself that." Buffy paused, "And the decision? Well, I am sorry for the cruel things I've said to you in the past, and I do owe you my gratitude for what you've already done, but I hope you can understand why I have to decide to end our alliance. I don't want to, but if, as you said, it has to be one way or the other, then this is the only choice I can make." He was almost regretting having made that ultimatum, but he would not lower himself to retract it.

"You realize, Slayer, that this means no more running to Spike every time there's a new baddie to deal with?"

"Yes. I know. I won't bother you again Spike." She turned to walk back into the house and spoke so quietly even Spike barely heard her. "I truly am sorry Spike."