The Pain of Love A Duo angst story arc
by Yanagi-sen
Gundam Wing songfic
Usual disclaimers apply. I don't have any real claims on the G-bys or anyone else mentioned in this fic, I don't want to give it away. But I honestly have no idea where this one came from. The song used is, "I Don't Know Who I Am", from Jekyll and Hyde, by Bricusse and Wildhorn.
Warnings: angst, OOCness (really OOC, it is odd), AU
/character thoughts/
Author's Note: This story takes place after Quatre and Matchmaker.
Sidestory 2: Who I Am
AC196: Spring
With the door firmly shut behind her, she could finally give vent to the frustration that had been building in her all day. She stalked into her bedroom, kicking her shoes in the general direction of the closet. Smiling faintly as one connected with a vase, shattering it. She wondered whose brilliant idea it was to create heels. Whoever it was should have been shot. Must have been a man, only someone with a Y chromosome could have thought of such a thing. She dropped the dress to the floor, not caring if it wrinkled or not. Stockings and bra followed as she rummaged in her drawers for something comfortable.
Far in the back of the bottom drawer, she found what she wanted. She pulled on the old, worn shorts with a sigh of relief. A T-shirt cut into a tanktop was next. He long hair was pulled into a loose ponytail that draped over her shoulder. She felt more like a sixteen-year old, instead of a small adult for a change. She flopped, very unlady-like, into a chair in her sitting room and stared moodily out the window. The sun had just set, but here on the east side of the palace the sky was already the bluish-purple of night. In fact it was dark enough that the glass was acting like a mirror. She looked at her reflection. /Gods, I look pissed. /
Look at me, and tell me who I am.
/Damn girl, you look like Hell. Stress must be getting to you. Why does 'she' have to be so damn difficult?! I'm doing the best I can. Why am I always struggling against a crappy situation? Whose great idea was this anyway? Oh yea, mine. /
Call me a fool, and it's true I am.
/You are such an idiot! What possessed you to come here, anyway? Why did you think anything good would come out of this? / She mentally kicked herself. /YOU KNEW BETTER! You knew better and you still came. Romafellor can't be trusted. I'm such a fool. I don't know if I can salvage this situation. But what other choice did I have? Dermail backed me into a corner. It probably won't be too long before he starts putting things together, and my blood's not gonna save me. Damn, 'Thea. You're in deep shit this time. /
It's such a shame,
She laughed mockingly at herself in the glass. /So good at 'the Game'. So used to wearing the mask that you can't even drop it in the presence of the one ally you might have in this pit of vipers. 'The Façade.' Absolutely essential for a life at court. The ability to speak, yet say nothing; to smile, without warmth; to flatter, without meaning. I'm so damn sick of it! I've been on display ever since I was five. I wasn't a child, I was a 'little adult'. A doll to dress up and parade before friends and enemies. Is there anything real about me anymore/ Or have I become the person I portray? Do I still play the role? Or am I the role? I don't know anymore. /
/I miss you, Father. You were the only one who ever understood me. I've spent so much time being who others want me to be, that sometimes I think I've forgotten how to be myself. I'm lonely here. At least in the Sank Kingdom there were people my age. I could at least pretend to have friends. I've spent so much time with adults; I don't know how to relate to kids. Their concerns, desires, dreams; they seem so … juvenile. I guess I just can't understand 'normal' people. 'Normal', that's something I've never claimed to be. I enjoy being different. But I would like to have a friend. /
/Can we actually pull this off? Can we create a world where war has no place or purpose? Some conflict is inevitable. 'Total Pacifism' isn't really practical, but we should be able to come close. Do we have a chance? A pair of girls and five independent Gundam pilots, can we do it? Are we the ones who will shape our own future? /
/Or are we merely reflections of those who made us what we are? I see it happening with 'Lena. Dermail's got her cowed, or so he thinks. She does what he says, when he says, but… She's doing it by choice, not out of fear. If he knew about that message she sent, she'd already be dead. Luckily, I am much better at hiding her tracks than she is.
/But what about me? Am I still the independent agent I think I am, or is someone else pulling my strings? If we fail, everything will just be worse than before. It'll be like a feudal Middle Ages again, with technology this time. That's a scary prospect. /
/So why am I always the one playing catch-up? I run around, hiding 'Lena's mistakes. Leaking intel to the Gundam pilots and Treize. Planting rumors to distract Romafellor. And no one knows. How'd I get stuck with this job? I don't mind working behind the scenes. It can be fun. I don't want the glory; just a little appreciation now and then would be nice. Yeah, but even if you told them what you were doing, who'd believe you? /
Look at me, and tell me who I am.
She tore her eyes from her reflection and looked at the small picture on the table beside her. She was four, and her father was carrying her on his shoulders. They were both laughing. /What happened to me? It can't just be your death. What else in my childhood turned me from happy, laughing 'Thea; into cool, cynical Dorothy? I hate that name! What possessed my mother to name me, 'Dorothy'?
/Look at me! What am I doing perpetuating this 'holy bitch' image that's been foisted on me? I mean, look at that duel with Heero all those months ago. What was up with that? Come to think of it, he probably was genuinely confused. I think I lost the trail of that conversation myself. Gods, that was a long time ago. Like a year. We've been at Romafellor for a year?! How did I end up in such deep shit? /
/I don't know if I'm going to live through this anymore. I see the same thoughts in 'Lena's eyes, when she thinks no one else is watching. If she knew how close she's been a few time… Neither of us is really in any position to do anything about it, not individually at least. And she won't trust me. I would chance running myself, but that would leave her in an even worse situation. I can't do that. I dragged her into this. Wow, guess I do still have a conscience after all. Who would have thought? /
Who will give a damn,
/Will anyone care what happens to me? Not mother, certainly. She hasn't given a damn about my welfare since I was about twelve. Father is dead. I doubt cousin Treize even remembers me. Grandfather will most likely be the one to issue the execution order. Not that he'll do the deed himself, can't soil our lily-white hands now can we? Okay, who else does that leave? Heero? He'd kill me himself. Quatre? Quatre would care. He's probably the only one. /
She looked out the window, to where the various members of Romafellor were strolling through the reawakening gardens by moonlight. She laughed mockingly. "None of you really know me."
Her eyes settled back on her own reflection. "I don't even know myself anymore." She curled up in the chair, hiding her face in the crook of her arm. The hot tears surprised her, as did her complete inability to stifle them.
No one knows who I am.
-sin sin, tis done-
-I actually feel sorry for Dorothy. Never thought I'd say that! Didn't I warn you this would be weird? Blame Leannon Sidhe, it's all her fault. The Pain of Love story arc concludes with "Total Eclipse of the Heart".