The Pain of Love A Duo angst
story arc
by
Yanagi-sen
Gundam
Wing songfic
Usual
disclaimers apply. I do not own the
G-boys, unfortunately; I also cannot claim the song, they are both owned by
their respective creators. If they
happen to see this, please don't sue; you'd just be wasting your time. This is the version of "Total Eclipse
of the Heart" as sung by Bonnie Tyler (the best version ^_~ ).
Warnings:
1x2 (+3), shounen ai, yaoi, lime, angst, OOCness, AU
/
character thoughts /
* dream
thoughts *
dream sequence
Author's
Note: This story takes place a couple of months after "Quatre the Matchmaker".
Conclusion
of The Pain of Love story arc. (By the
way, is anybody still reading this out there?)
Part
5: "Total Eclipse of the Heart"
AC
196: Early Summer
and you're
never coming round...
Turn around. Every now and then I get a little bit tired
of listening
to the sound of my tears...
It was so lonely with Tro gone. Normally, Duo would have gone and stayed with
Qat or even Wufei till his tall lover got back. But they were both away on missions as well. And as much as Duo wanted, needed to be with someone, it would be
a cold day in Hell before he would darken Heero Yuy's door! It wasn't sex he wanted, just to be held, to
be touched, to have another's presence to keep the nightmares at bay. He hated sleeping alone. Resigned, Duo curled up in the center of the
bed; hugged his knees to his chest and cried himself to sleep.
that the best
of all the years have gone by...
Turn around. Every now and then I get a little bit
terrified,
and then I see
the look in your eyes...
Heero was sure that the file he was
looking for was on Quatre's desk. He was
searching through the blond pilot's papers when a noise caught his
attention. He listened; it was coming
from the room next door. He was puzzled
until he remembered that was Trowa and Duo's room. Come to think of it, he hadn't seen (or heard) much of Duo all
week and had nearly forgotten that the other pilot was even around.
He continued ruffling through the
papers. That faintly muffled sound was
peaking his curiosity. /What is that
braided baka doing? / Convincing
himself it was only for the good of the mission; he put his ear to the
wall. Heero jerked back suddenly. /Nani? Why is Duo crying? / He'd seen
Duo cry a few times, usually after a particularly nasty battle or a
nightmare. Heero didn't see it as a
weakness, for Duo. They all had their
own ways of dealing with the chaos of the war. Heero and Trowa detached, Wufei ranted about justice, Quatre and Duo
cried. /But what could the reason be this time? He hasn't had a mission in over a week. /
Locating the file, Heero headed for
his room. On a whim he turned back and
peeked in on Duo. The boy was curled in
the center of the bed, sheet clutched to his bare chest. He seemed to have quieted and had fallen
asleep. A few tears still lingered on
his lashes. Heero silently shut the
door and thought no more of it as he walked back down the hall to his room.
Turn around, bright
eyes.
Every now and then I fall apart...
*No…NO!…Not
again!* Duo knew he was dreaming, and
also knew he was powerless to stop it. No matter what he did, the night terrors never let him go till they were
good and ready. It was the massacre
dream again. It always started the same
way. The other children were chasing
each other, their laughter floating in the air. Sister Helen was watching them, smiling indulgently at their
play. Father Maxwell was in the
sanctuary. Life was good, hard, but
good. He was happy.
Then the soldiers came. This was the part Duo always struggled
against. This was the part he wanted to
change. This was where he wanted so
much to wake, and never could. Without
someone else to help him, he was trapped. *I can't…not again…don't make me see…* The dream swirled in a cloud of choking smoke and when it cleared…
*NO!…please…* But Duo's pleading did
nothing to halt the course of the nightmare. The smoke cleared to reveal the charred bodies of his friends; their
corpses riddled with bullet holes and shrapnel. The cloying smell of death lay over everything.
Duo wove his way through the
maze of bodies and debris. He tried so
hard not to see their faces, not to see them as people, as children he
knew. *Oh please…no more…not this…
anything but this…* As always his feet
led him to the side of Sister Helen. And as always he knelt beside her and lifted her shattered body. Her eyes looked up at his with love. "Thank God, you're safe." She said as she
died in his arms. He laid her down and
stared at his hands, her life's blood painting them scarlet. His mind cringed in horror.
*No!…NO!…NOOOOOOO!*
Turn around, bright eyes.
Every now and then I fall apart...
He hit the floor with a loud thump,
but he still couldn't fully wake. Everything went dark. He felt
utterly alone. Sweat poured off his
body, his breath came in tortured gasps. His heart pounded in his chest. His unbound hair stuck to his damp skin. He rolled onto his knees, hugging himself. He shook with terror. He couldn't move, couldn't speak. His mind shrieked but his body stubbornly
refused to wake. All he could manage,
was rock in the moonlight.
and I dream of
something wild...
Turn around. Every now and then I get a little bit
helpless
and I'm lying
like a child in your arms...
"NOOOOOO!"
Heero surged to his feet, pulling
his gun. "DUO?!" He was more than a little concerned at the
scream that had rent the night. He
heard a loud thump, and then silence. He rushed down the hall to the other pilot's room, his mind painting a
horrible picture of an intruder and Duo's lifeless body on the floor. He barged through the door, nearly tearing it
off its hinges, and froze. Kneeling in
a pool of moonlight was Duo, rocking, his hair flowing around him wildly. He was wearing only a pair of silk
boxers. His mouth was open, but no
sound came out. His eyes slid up to
meet Heero's.
It was the look in them that really scared the
Japanese boy, for the Duo he knew simply wasn't there. He'd had seen that look before. His friend's mind was trapped in his own
tortured memories. The gun clattered to
the floor. Heero was powerless to stop
himself as he rushed in and knelt beside the boy. He gathered his friend into his arms. As he touched the shaking pilot, it was as if a switch had been
thrown. Duo collapsed against him,
wracking sobs and tortured screams tearing through his small body.
and I know
I've gotta get out and cry...
Turn around. Every now and then I get a little bit
terrified
and then I see
the look in your eyes...
Heero knelt, shocked, he didn't know
what to do. His training hadn't covered
psychological trauma. In fact, his mind
was telling him to just leave the braided pilot to his own devices. A year ago that's exactly what he would have
done. But now, he cradled the boy to
his chest, stroking this back soothingly, murmuring soft words, trying to reach
something in Duo's tortured
mind. He had told himself over and over
not to love, not to care, that it would only lead to pain and weakness. He had been trained to deny feelings, that
they would only get in the way of the mission. But Duo had taught him how to love, how to feel, and in the end he had
turned on the boy for it. He had
convinced himself that it was better this way. That Duo deserved better.
/But what about you, Yuy? Don't you deserve some happiness too? / He cut off that line of thinking, angry with
himself for even pondering it. /Besides,
Duo is with Trowa now. / Heero
suppressed the surge of jealousy that welled up when he imagined the two of
them together. /But it's in your arms
Duo's weeping in, isn't it Yuy? /
Turn around, bright eyes.
Every now and then I fall apart...
Turn around, bright eyes.
Every now and then I fall apart...
Heero sighed and pushed such
thoughts out of his mind for the moment. First he had to figure out how to pull Duo out of whatever Hell he was
caught in tonight. The usual methods
weren't working. He frowned. He knew the boy was prone to night terrors
and had to fight bouts of insomnia because of them. But they had never been this bad before. Duo had never been completely
unreachable. /What could have triggered
such a violent reaction? He hasn't been
in any battles. It isn't the
anniversary of Solo's death, or the Maxwell massacre, or… / Heero frowned, realizing something. Duo never
slept alone, not if he could possibly help it. And when he did, it was usually in the cockpit of Deathscythe, which as
far as Duo was concerned, was alive, sort of.
In the months before and while they
had been lovers, they usually shared a room in whatever safehouse or boarding
school they were in at the time. There
were many times that Heero crawled into Duo's bed, learning very early that it
was the easiest way to deal with the night terrors. First he had done it to shut the boy up, later because he truly
cared for him. After their relationship
had collapsed, Duo floated around to the others' rooms and beds, until Quatre
set him up with Trowa. Heero would
assume that when the tall pilot was away, Duo slipped into earlier habits and
stayed with Quatre or Wufei. Until this
week, when all three were gone. Duo had
been trying to sleep alone. Tonight
everything just fell apart.
And I need you now tonight,
and I need you more than ever...
And if you
only hold me tight, we'll be holding on forever...
And we'll only be making it
right, cause we'll never be wrong...
Everything
was just black. The images of the
Maxwell Church and all its horrors were gone. Duo wasn't sure which was worse. He couldn't see, hear, feel anything. He couldn't scream or move. He
was alone. He couldn't stand being
alone. Was he going crazy? Was he dead? Was this all that was left for him? Alone in the darkness. He
couldn't breath. *Help me…Please!…someone…anyone…help me!…help…me…*
Now Duo was hyperventilating; he had
gone into a full-blown panic attack. Heero realized that his lips were moving. He narrowed his eyes, trying the read his lips between the gasping
breaths. 'Help
me…please…someone…anyone…help me…' He gently shook the boy by the shoulders.
"Duo…Duo! Can you hear me?"
A voice cut through the blackness. *…Heero?…*
"Duo, it's Heero, can you hear
me? You've got to wake up! Duo, you're dreaming!"
*Heero? It's so
dark, I can't breath.*
"Duo, you're hyperventilating,
you're dreaming, wake up!" Heero tucked
the boy's head under his chin, holding him as close as possible, hoping that
the contact would give Duo a lifeline back. He rocked the boy as a mother would rock her child. "Please koi, wake up."
Together we can take it to
the end of the line,
Your love is like a shadow on me all of the time...
I don't know what to do, and
I'm always in the dark,
"Yuy?" He pulled back and looked down at the boy in his arms. Duo was shaking, his breath was still too
rapid and shallow, and his eyes were haunted; but he was there. "I'm so cold." Heero nodded, this was one of the aftereffects of his night
terrors. It meant that he was coming
out of the dream, but going into shock. He lifted the boy easily, too easily; Duo hadn't been eating lately then
either. When had he completely stopped
paying attention to his fellow pilot? With a gentleness that would have given Dr. J a fit, he laid Duo back in
the bed and wrapped the blankets around his slight form. He hesitated a moment and then slid in
beside the trembling boy.
Duo stiffened. "Why are you here, Yuy?"
"Huh?"
"You heard me. Why are you here? You don't care. You made
that abundantly clear months ago."
"Duo..I…" He swallowed. "Do you want me to leave?"
We're living in a powder
keg, and giving off sparks...
I really need you tonight!
Forever's gonna start
tonight. Forever's gonna start
tonight...
Duo didn't answer so Heero started
to get up. The other boy rolled over,
eyes panicked. "Iie, don't go onegai…I
don't want to be alone…I can't be alone…don't leave me alone…" His strained
voice trailed away. His hands clutched
at Heero's clothes. He buried his face
in the Japanese pilot's stomach. Heero
could feel fresh tears soaking through to dampen his skin. He sat back down and stroked Duo's hair.
"Don't worry, I'm not going
anywhere."
Once upon a time, I was
falling in love,
now I'm only falling apart...
Nothing I can say, a total
eclipse of the heart...
Duo lay across Heero, his cheek on
the muscular stomach, and allowed the other pilot to play with his hair. /Damn it, Yuy! Why do you still make me feel this way? I ache to be near you and at the same time, hate you for it. You hurt
me! You treated me like dirt. I know you love me, and that you can't admit
that to yourself. That's fine. But don't go dragging me through the mud
with you. I've moved on. I'm happy with Tro. / He turned his face into the other boy and
inhaled Heero's strong, masculine scent. It was so familiar, so comforting. Duo felt the tears welling up again and just let them go. He was too drained, emotionally and
physically, to hold them. /Damn you,
Yuy! I don't want to get hurt
again. But I still love you. /
Once upon a time, there was
light in my life,
now there's only love in the dark...
Nothing I can do, a total
eclipse of the heart...
/Oh Duo, when did you get so
fragile? / Heero had never seen him
walking so close to the edge before. If
he hadn't been here, hadn't heard the boy, hadn't been curious enough, well
okay, worried enough to check on
him…Heero shuddered away from the thought of Duo insane, or even killing
himself. /But it could have happened,
Yuy. You're supposed to be his friend. It is your responsibility to look out for
those who fight with you. You decided
to play protector, and you nearly failed. / He shook his head. /Gomen nasai,
Duo. I should have been watching
you. But I thought since you were with
Trowa…but I guess he doesn't know you as well as I do, ne? I guess being with him just isn't enough. /
"Yuy?"
"Hnn?"
"Did you mean what you said?"
"Itsu?" [when]
"When you called me, 'koi'?"
be the boy you
always wanted to be...
Turn around. Every now and
then I know you'll always
be the only
boy who wanted me the way that I am...
"Did I really say that?"
"Hai."
"Then I meant it."
"Demo, Heero…"
"Duo-kun. I know I hurt you. Please
believe me when I say that I didn't want to."
"Then why?" Duo's voice was choked; his face still
buried in Heero's shirt.
Heero sighed; he really hadn't
wanted to get into this tonight, or ever. "I was afraid."
Duo pushed himself up on his elbows,
craning his head to stare at Heero's face. /Yuy afraid? / "Of what?" Heero tried to talk, but the words wouldn't
come out. Duo lowered his eyes, knowing
that it was never easy for Heero to talk about his emotions. "Take your time. I'm not going anywhere."
in the
universe as magical and wondrous as you...
Turn around. Every now and then I know there isn't any
better,
there's nothing
that I just wouldn't do...
Finally Heero managed to get the words
past the tightness in his chest. "I was
afraid, of caring, of love, of losing you. And I didn't want to think of what would happen to you if I died. I was fighting against my training, at the
time the training won." Heero cradled
Duo back against his chest. "But I
don't want to give in to Dr. J's plan for me. Gomen, Duo-chan, I was wrong. I
need you."
He crushed Duo to him, burying his
face in the chestnut hair. "Gomen…gomen
nasai." His voice whispered in Duo's ear. A drop of water fell on the stunned boy's cheek. He tasted it as it trickled down his
face. It was salty. /Tears?! Heero's crying?!
/
Turn around, bright eyes.
Every now and then I fall apart...
Turn around, bright eyes.
Every now and then I fall apart...
Duo turned in Heero's arms so that
he could see the Japanese boy's face. He brushed away the dampness where a single tear had fallen. "Hee-chan? Arigatou."
Heero was shocked. "Nani?! I treated you horribly. I acted like such a bastard. How
can you possibly thank me?!"
"Because you didn't mean it. That's all behind us. I know now that you never really felt that
way. You cared enough to come save me
tonight. If you hadn't…I…I don't know
what would have happened."
Heero hung his head. /Oh Duo, how can you be so kind? / "I…I can't ask you to forgive me, or take me
back. You're with Trowa now. With all that I've done, I'll understand if
you never want to be near me. But
please, don't let something like tonight ever happen again! I thought we had lost you, and it scared
me. And not just because you are a good
pilot and important to the war. It
scared me because you are my friend, even if I haven't been treating you like
one. Next time you need me, just come
find me. I would never turn you away,
koi."
"Heero."
"Hai?" He didn't raise his head,
ready for Duo's rejection.
"Say that again." Heero's cobalt
eyes met violet. He was suddenly
breathless at the love in those unfathomable pools of amethyst.
"Koi?"
Duo rose to his knees and leaned over
Heero, capturing his mouth with a searing kiss.
And I need you now tonight,
and I need you more than ever...
And if you
only hold me tight, we'll be holding on forever...
And we'll only be making it
right, cause we'll never be wrong...
Together we
can take it to the end of the line,…
Duo pulled away, suddenly
hesitant. It had been such a long time
since he and Heero had touched each other with passion. He sat back on his heels, eyes downcast
shyly. Heero shifted, rising so that he
too, was kneeling. He cupped Duo's
beautiful face with both hands and kissed him so very gently. He felt the tension in Duo's body ease as
the boy relaxed into the kiss. The
Japanese youth nudged at his love's mouth with his tongue, asking. Duo parted his lips inviting the other
in. The kiss was long and deep as they
relearned the tastes and textures of the other. They finally broke for air, Heero still holding Duo's face. He peered into those violet eyes and spoke
from his heart. "Ai shiteru."
Your love is like a shadow
on me all of the time...
I don't know
what to do, and I'm always in the dark...
Duo threw his arms around Heero's
neck, nearly crying. "I missed you so
much."
"I know. I missed you too." He
twisted with Duo in his arms, gently lowering the boy to the bed. He leaned over and kissed him deeply,
tracing the curves of his sensual mouth with a soft tongue. He paused to remove his tanktop and then
resumed his leisurely examination of Duo's face.
The smaller pilot moaned softly as
Heero captured an ear and sucked lightly. His hands came up to touch Heero. The Japanese boy caught his wrists and pressed them back to the bed,
preventing any movement on the part of the boy. He continued to lap at first one sensitive nub of flesh, then the
other. He nipped ever so lightly
causing Duo to moan and sigh beneath him.
We're living in a powder
keg, and giving off sparks...
I really need you tonight!
Forever's gonna start
tonight. Forever's gonna start
tonight...
Heero slid down the boy's body,
drawing a hiss as their cloth covered members rubbed against each other. His wandering lips sought a nipple. He kissed and nibbled his way around it,
careful not to touch the sensitive nub. Duo's breathing quickened, he squirmed but Heero's strong body had him
pinned. Finally he brushed the tip of
his tongue over the aching flesh. Duo
jerked, Heero smiled and latched on to the tender skin.
After coaxing both nipples into
stiff peaks, while Duo moaned and thrashed beneath him, Heero stared to kiss
his way down the planes of his stomach. He felt the flutter of Duo's muscles as he found a sensitive spot. He continued on, leaving a final kiss on his
koi's silk-clad shaft. Duo groaned.
Heero released Duo's wrists and sat
up on his heels admiring his handiwork. The boy's eyes were clenched tightly and he was breathing heavily. His hands, balled into fists, were lying
where Heero had left him. His erection
strained against the silk of his boxers. Heero realized that Duo was lying way too still, like he was afraid to
move, and his heavy breathing was somewhat erratic. /K'so! Yuy no baka! He hasn't recovered from the panic attack
yet and you go and restrain him! Kisama! /
"Duo?" Violet eyes flew open. "Daijoubu desu ka?"
"You torture me with that and then ask if I'm okay?!" It was the amused tone in Duo's voice that
convinced Heero that he was in fact all right.
"Gomen, I thought maybe I'd…"
"Yuy no baka! Get down here!" Duo grabbed his arms and hauled Heero down so that he was crushed
beneath the Japanese boy. "Hee-chan, if
I didn't trust you, I wouldn't lay beneath you." Heero nodded, he understood what Duo meant. He had told him how his body had been sold
before. The fact that he was willing to
be uke was a sign of great trust.
"You're the only important one
tonight. What do you want me to do?"
"Make love to me Heero, just make
love to me."
Once upon a time, I was
falling in love...
Now I'm only falling apart...
Nothing I can do, a total
eclipse of the heart...
"Duo, is this a one time thing?"
"Are you kidding? Not after that display of prowess, Yuy! Either I've forgotten, or you've improved."
"Duo!"
"Nani?"
"Aren't you forgetting something?"
"After the night I've had, I can
barely remember my own name."
Heero shook his head,
exasperated. "What about Trowa?"
"Oui, what about me?" Both boys jumped and turned guilty eyes
toward the door. The tall pilot in
question stood there, leaning against the doorframe, arms crossed over his chest. His face was as usual, a complete blank.
Duo sat up, moving away from
Heero. He started to panic. /What if
Tro is upset? Or angry? Or…/ "K'so! Tro-chan…I …I can
explain…I was dreaming…and…and…and I fell out of bed…and…and then Heero…" He
doubled over, struggling to breath. Heero was suddenly supporting him on one side, Trowa on the other. They were both urging him to be calm,
rubbing his back, telling him to breathe slowly.
Trowa looked at Heero. "Panic attack?"
Heero nodded. "Night terror." Trowa had only witnessed one of Duo's
full-blown episodes. He didn't know how
Heero had dealt with them for so many months.
"What triggered it?"
"Being alone."
Trowa nodded, he understood. Duo simply couldn't stand to be alone. Sooner or later in his young life, everyone
he cared about left him. It was a
wonder sometimes that he was still sane. It was a good thing that Heero had been here. He got the feeling that this had been a bad one. Strangely, Trowa didn't feel at all
jealous. From the look in Heero's eyes,
he had finally admitted to Duo and himself how he felt for the young
pilot. /Ah well, when your heart has
been empty your whole life; there is always room for one more. / "Duo-kun, can you make a choice?"
He looked up, tears and an obscure
pain clouding his violet eyes. "You
mean, choose between you and Heero?" he whispered.
"Hai." Heero said.
Duo looked from one to the other,
and hung his head. "No." Trowa smiled at Heero over Duo's head; and
to his surprise, the Japanese boy smiled back.
"That's good to hear." He said as he
cast off his clothes. He helped Heero
ease the bewildered Duo back down on the bed between them.
"You mean…"
"We discussed this weeks ago, on the
off chance that Heero would finally get up the nerve to grovel at your feet."
"I did not grovel."
"No, but you certainly looked like
you were begging earlier."
"You were watching?!" Duo actually blushed.
"Uh huh. And I must say, it was a fine show. Makes me sorry I wasn't a participant."
Heero rolled over on his side, head
propped up on one hand. "I think that
can be remedied."
"Well, I certainly hope so."
"Uh guys? I'm kinda tired and all…"
"That's okay."
"We'll do all the work."
Once upon a time, there was
light in my life,
now there's only love in the dark...
Nothing I can say, a total eclipse of the heart.
-sin
sin, tis done-
See,
Heero isn't such a bastard after all. When I said OOC I really meant it. I mean, Heero crying? And upon
further review Duo is pretty weepy too. Oh well, chalk it up to the trauma. *sigh* Finally, these three are
where they should be. This is for
Shoori and Aoe. (Shoori likes 2x3, Aoe likes 1x2; so 1x2x3 keeps everyone
happy! ) Now to go to work on the other
two...
-Quick
note… it's gonna be a bit before the next part in this ongoing story line is
up, the untimely death of my hard drive also killed the next story. (not that it was any good, but at least now
I don't have an excuse not to rewrite it) So we will take a break from this story line and go into my AU, it's
really really AU. Ja ne. –Yanagi-sen ^_^