Chapter Eight: Taking Chances
"Anyone coffee?," Anya looked around and when she saw them all nod she stood and
disappeared in the kitchen.
Mark had unwrapped his presents and all the chocolate remains had been washed
from the children's faces. Now David and Matt were sleeping together with Ellie
and Amy, while Mark had insisted that now - being a year older and almost grown
up - he would stay awake and play with Ashlynn what the girl had acknowledged
with a groan. She was really not looking forward to play with a "baby".
During unwrapping presents and eating cake the adults had chatted, of course not
about stories from times when demons and vampires had been roaming the earth as
long as the children were around, but there were other things, stories of the
kids, of families, husbands and more. Buffy had laughed and smiled and ignored
him.
Angel felt left out. Sure the others - except Buffy - did their best to include
him, but he couldn't help but feel he didn't belong here. So he had smiled from
time to time, even laughed sometimes, but now that the children had left the
room he was surprised none of the others could see the tension radiating from
him. To get away for a moment he excused himself for the bathroom and breathed
deeply in relief when he closed the door behind his back.
Leaning against the door he closed his eyes and tried to relax. He had to get
out of here, away from Buffy, the sooner the better. He would just go back into
the living-room and explain that he'd forgotten all about an urgent date and that he had to get back to L.A. in time. Yes, that was a good idea, he nodded to
himself and with this firmly in his head opened the door.
On his way back he heard Anya clattering with cups in the kitchen and maybe it
was his 18th century upbringing, but he couldn't just pass by and not ask if she
needed any help. So instead of directly walking towards the living-room, he
turned for the kitchen only to freeze in the doorway.
"Can I ... Buffy," he said staring at the blonde standing at the coffee machine.
She turned and looked at him, but didn't say a word.
"I ... I'm sorry, I ... I thought it was Anya ..., sorry," he murmured and was
about the leave when her voice stopped him.
"Angel, wait."
Slowly he turned back to her, not sure what to say and then decided for "I am
really sorry." When she didn't interrupt him, he continued, "I didn't mean to
make you uncomfortable, you have to believe me. But Cordelia and Xander, both,
insisted I had to come. I knew it was a fault. But I was about to leave anyway.
So ...," he swallowed, "... don't worry, I won't get you in another situation
like this. After all you made it perfectly clear last time we saw each other that you don't want me around."
"Oh, Angel." Her reply was somewhere between a laugh and a sob. She shook her
head, "Last time ... I was just surprised, angry ... I don't know. I said a lot
of things. Maybe it's because I got my final divorce papers only two weeks before and hated the fact that I made a mess of my marriage," she shook her head again, "I don't know. But believe me that I didn't mean half of it."
He winced slightly thinking at her outburst, "So you meant the other half?," he
tried to joke.
One corner of her mouth twitched at his remark, "Yeah, well, there's some
unresolved issues between the two of us, you cannot deny that."
"No," he said with a sigh. "Certainly not."
"But that's," she motioned around with her hand, "not the place to talk about it. And, well...," she bit her lower lip. "I thought a lot about you ... us ... since I ran from the hotel last week. Angel," she studied his face for a moment and then decided to jump into the cold water. The whole afternoon she had watched him with her friends, with the children. He had changed so much, he was laughing, he was joking but the longer the day went the more quiet he'd become. And now she wondered if it was for her. She had pushed him away in L.A. and now it was for her to make the first step, and she had suddenly decided that he was worth the risk. "What I want to know is, what do you want from me?"
The question hit him completely unprepared. He had expected a lot, but certainly
not this bluntness. "What ...," he had to clear his throat, because his voice was only a choke, "what do you mean?"
"What I mean?," she laughed slightly and then just blurted out, "I mean are you
still interested in me? Because I have to know that. Because I still can't think
straight when you're around, because my knees turn to mush when you are near and
I decided last night that trying to be friends won't work for us. At least not
from my side. So it's all or nothing and I want to know what you want." She
paused for a moment, then turned away and groaned, "And now I've completely
embarrassed myself."
"No," he replied softly, but didn't move, too afraid this was just a dream. "No
you have not. But you see me stunned. I mean after L.A. I was sure there wasn't a chance that ... and now you ...," he paused helplessly and looked at her.
Taking a deep breath she turned to him again, "Just blame it on me," she smiled.
"I'm really sending out mixed signals."
"Buffy," the way he said her name made her heart beat faster. "I know you are
scared and uncertain and ... hell, these are my feelings as well. We haven't seen each other for a long time. We lived different lifes, but ... Maybe if you would allow me to see you, if we could talk and get to know each other again ... All I want is to try to show you that it could work between us." He paused and
swallowed, seeing the uncertain look on her face, "But I also understand if you don't want it. I've already been the cause of enough pain in your life, so I ..."
"Yes," she interrupted him.
"What?," was this his voice that sounded so breathless?
"I ...," she blinked away the tears forming in her eyes, "I would like that.
Seeing you, talking to you." Then a stern expression appeared in her eyes,
"there's a lot we have to talk about."
"Yeah," he agreed.
"And there a many things you have to explain to me."
"Yes."
"So," for the first time a smile crept upon her lips, "why don't you just come
around for lunch tomorrow. David will be home, but taking a nap and Ashlynn's at a friend tomorrow afternoon. So we won't be almost on our own. That is, if you don't have anything else to do."
"No," he replied quickly, the excitement clearly audible in his voice. They both
had to laugh at that and Angel realised that he was blushing.
"It's nice," she pointed at his face. "Colour in your face. It's unfamiliar to
me. I still remember you all pale and timeless," her voice sounded sad.
"That's just one of the things we can talk about. Tomorrow." He gave her a
half-smile. "And I'd like to get to know your kids ... Only if you're alright
with it of course."
"Sure," she nodded. "You're good with kids. Matt adores you and Ellie was already flirting with you."
"She was not," he replied.
"Was too," she insisted. "But that's not surprising. You're still the most
attractive man I know ... uhm ... I mean ...," she broke off and looked to the
ground.
"And you're still the most beautiful woman I know," he said softly taking away
her embarrassment.
Her head shot up, "Really?" It was suddenly very important that this was true.
"Really," he nodded honestly and she knew he meant it.
Their gazes locked and they stared at each other, drinking in each others eyes.
It had been so long that they had been allowed to do this without feeling it
was something forbidden.
Then they both broke eye-contact, realising that this wasn't the time and place
to go any further and that it was too much, too soon. Smiling a bit sheepishly at him, Buffy said, "So tomorrow then?"
"Tomorrow." He confirmed and smiled back.
*
In the hallway Xander and Cordelia stood grinning at each other. The former
cheerleader held up and hand, "Give me five partner. I think it's working fine
now."
"I just hope you are right and nothing goes wrong this time, because I'm not sure they could stand it," he said and prayed that whatever gods were listening would held their hands over Buffy and Angel.
End of Chapter Eight.
"Anyone coffee?," Anya looked around and when she saw them all nod she stood and
disappeared in the kitchen.
Mark had unwrapped his presents and all the chocolate remains had been washed
from the children's faces. Now David and Matt were sleeping together with Ellie
and Amy, while Mark had insisted that now - being a year older and almost grown
up - he would stay awake and play with Ashlynn what the girl had acknowledged
with a groan. She was really not looking forward to play with a "baby".
During unwrapping presents and eating cake the adults had chatted, of course not
about stories from times when demons and vampires had been roaming the earth as
long as the children were around, but there were other things, stories of the
kids, of families, husbands and more. Buffy had laughed and smiled and ignored
him.
Angel felt left out. Sure the others - except Buffy - did their best to include
him, but he couldn't help but feel he didn't belong here. So he had smiled from
time to time, even laughed sometimes, but now that the children had left the
room he was surprised none of the others could see the tension radiating from
him. To get away for a moment he excused himself for the bathroom and breathed
deeply in relief when he closed the door behind his back.
Leaning against the door he closed his eyes and tried to relax. He had to get
out of here, away from Buffy, the sooner the better. He would just go back into
the living-room and explain that he'd forgotten all about an urgent date and that he had to get back to L.A. in time. Yes, that was a good idea, he nodded to
himself and with this firmly in his head opened the door.
On his way back he heard Anya clattering with cups in the kitchen and maybe it
was his 18th century upbringing, but he couldn't just pass by and not ask if she
needed any help. So instead of directly walking towards the living-room, he
turned for the kitchen only to freeze in the doorway.
"Can I ... Buffy," he said staring at the blonde standing at the coffee machine.
She turned and looked at him, but didn't say a word.
"I ... I'm sorry, I ... I thought it was Anya ..., sorry," he murmured and was
about the leave when her voice stopped him.
"Angel, wait."
Slowly he turned back to her, not sure what to say and then decided for "I am
really sorry." When she didn't interrupt him, he continued, "I didn't mean to
make you uncomfortable, you have to believe me. But Cordelia and Xander, both,
insisted I had to come. I knew it was a fault. But I was about to leave anyway.
So ...," he swallowed, "... don't worry, I won't get you in another situation
like this. After all you made it perfectly clear last time we saw each other that you don't want me around."
"Oh, Angel." Her reply was somewhere between a laugh and a sob. She shook her
head, "Last time ... I was just surprised, angry ... I don't know. I said a lot
of things. Maybe it's because I got my final divorce papers only two weeks before and hated the fact that I made a mess of my marriage," she shook her head again, "I don't know. But believe me that I didn't mean half of it."
He winced slightly thinking at her outburst, "So you meant the other half?," he
tried to joke.
One corner of her mouth twitched at his remark, "Yeah, well, there's some
unresolved issues between the two of us, you cannot deny that."
"No," he said with a sigh. "Certainly not."
"But that's," she motioned around with her hand, "not the place to talk about it. And, well...," she bit her lower lip. "I thought a lot about you ... us ... since I ran from the hotel last week. Angel," she studied his face for a moment and then decided to jump into the cold water. The whole afternoon she had watched him with her friends, with the children. He had changed so much, he was laughing, he was joking but the longer the day went the more quiet he'd become. And now she wondered if it was for her. She had pushed him away in L.A. and now it was for her to make the first step, and she had suddenly decided that he was worth the risk. "What I want to know is, what do you want from me?"
The question hit him completely unprepared. He had expected a lot, but certainly
not this bluntness. "What ...," he had to clear his throat, because his voice was only a choke, "what do you mean?"
"What I mean?," she laughed slightly and then just blurted out, "I mean are you
still interested in me? Because I have to know that. Because I still can't think
straight when you're around, because my knees turn to mush when you are near and
I decided last night that trying to be friends won't work for us. At least not
from my side. So it's all or nothing and I want to know what you want." She
paused for a moment, then turned away and groaned, "And now I've completely
embarrassed myself."
"No," he replied softly, but didn't move, too afraid this was just a dream. "No
you have not. But you see me stunned. I mean after L.A. I was sure there wasn't a chance that ... and now you ...," he paused helplessly and looked at her.
Taking a deep breath she turned to him again, "Just blame it on me," she smiled.
"I'm really sending out mixed signals."
"Buffy," the way he said her name made her heart beat faster. "I know you are
scared and uncertain and ... hell, these are my feelings as well. We haven't seen each other for a long time. We lived different lifes, but ... Maybe if you would allow me to see you, if we could talk and get to know each other again ... All I want is to try to show you that it could work between us." He paused and
swallowed, seeing the uncertain look on her face, "But I also understand if you don't want it. I've already been the cause of enough pain in your life, so I ..."
"Yes," she interrupted him.
"What?," was this his voice that sounded so breathless?
"I ...," she blinked away the tears forming in her eyes, "I would like that.
Seeing you, talking to you." Then a stern expression appeared in her eyes,
"there's a lot we have to talk about."
"Yeah," he agreed.
"And there a many things you have to explain to me."
"Yes."
"So," for the first time a smile crept upon her lips, "why don't you just come
around for lunch tomorrow. David will be home, but taking a nap and Ashlynn's at a friend tomorrow afternoon. So we won't be almost on our own. That is, if you don't have anything else to do."
"No," he replied quickly, the excitement clearly audible in his voice. They both
had to laugh at that and Angel realised that he was blushing.
"It's nice," she pointed at his face. "Colour in your face. It's unfamiliar to
me. I still remember you all pale and timeless," her voice sounded sad.
"That's just one of the things we can talk about. Tomorrow." He gave her a
half-smile. "And I'd like to get to know your kids ... Only if you're alright
with it of course."
"Sure," she nodded. "You're good with kids. Matt adores you and Ellie was already flirting with you."
"She was not," he replied.
"Was too," she insisted. "But that's not surprising. You're still the most
attractive man I know ... uhm ... I mean ...," she broke off and looked to the
ground.
"And you're still the most beautiful woman I know," he said softly taking away
her embarrassment.
Her head shot up, "Really?" It was suddenly very important that this was true.
"Really," he nodded honestly and she knew he meant it.
Their gazes locked and they stared at each other, drinking in each others eyes.
It had been so long that they had been allowed to do this without feeling it
was something forbidden.
Then they both broke eye-contact, realising that this wasn't the time and place
to go any further and that it was too much, too soon. Smiling a bit sheepishly at him, Buffy said, "So tomorrow then?"
"Tomorrow." He confirmed and smiled back.
*
In the hallway Xander and Cordelia stood grinning at each other. The former
cheerleader held up and hand, "Give me five partner. I think it's working fine
now."
"I just hope you are right and nothing goes wrong this time, because I'm not sure they could stand it," he said and prayed that whatever gods were listening would held their hands over Buffy and Angel.
End of Chapter Eight.