Chapter Nine: Can I Trust You With My Heart?
When Angel finally stood at Buffy's doorstep the next day, his heart was beating
frantically in his chest and he was so nervous he didn't know where to put his
trembling hands. This is just a friendly date, he told himself, but of course it
was in vain. And whom was he kidding anyway, this was about seeing Buffy and that made it the most important date in his life. It could probably decide his future.
Cordelia had smiled at him before she and Gunn had gone away for five days. Gunn
had insisted on the honeymoon and simply declared he would go on his own and that Angel was a grown-up man who could handle his love-life on his own. So she had grumpily agreed, but hadn't gone off without telling Angel that she would hunt him down if he should mess this up.
Taking a deep breath he reached out and pressed the doorbell at Buffy's apartment and soon her voice was to be heard from the inside, it sounded stern and then the door opened. She smiled at him, her face a bit flushed, "Oh, hi Angel. You're early." She glanced over her shoulder.
Not really knowing what to think about it, Angel took a step back, "I ... uh ...
can come later if you'd prefer..."
"No," she opened the door a bit wider and shook her head, "no need. I just try to get my son to take his nap and he isn't very cooperative today." She pointed at her hair, "Just look at me, I'm a mess. The bath he took some minutes ago was
more like a water-fight. But do come in."
When he entered the apartment he saw David's face appear behind Buffy and the boy giggled.
Buffy spun around and held up a finger, "You go now, young man or we will have a
problem with each other."
"Momma," his voice was pleading. "I'm no tired."
"That's not tired but you will go to bed anyway." She pointed towards his
bedroom, "Now!"
"Momma, please," he pouted and looked at Angel, hoping the new guest, the man he
had already seen yesterday would make all the difference. He was Matt's friend
and David liked him as well, so maybe ...
"Sorry partner," Angel gave him an apologetic smile, "but this is with your mom."
"Go, now," Buffy repeated.
When his bottom lip began to tremble, the ex-vampire said, "What if I would read
you a story while your mom makes some coffee for us," he quickly glanced at the
blonde to see if she was okay. Relieved he realised she was smiling.
"Yeah," David squealed happily. "Okay momma?"
"Yes, okay," she agreed. "But one story only. Is that clear?"
"Come on, partner, one story. Show me the way." Giving Buffy a quick grin he
followed David into the bedroom and looking at his retrieving back the former
slayer suddenly knew that she'd fallen in love with him all-over again.
*
"You're even better with kids than I thought," Buffy smiled at Angel over the rim of her cup. "David usually needs some time to open up to strangers."
The ex-vampire shrugged, "I like children."
"Yeah, one can see that. So," she made, changing the subject. "Cordy and Gunn are off on their honeymoon?"
"Gunn threatened to file for a divorce if she wouldn't go, or worse, go on his
own to Vegas and date all the girls there," he laughed and Buffy's heart melted
at the unfamiliar sound. Of course she had heard him laugh like this before,
during 24 hours that were taken away from her, that she only knew from a very
disturbing dream.
Angel saw her frowning and put his cup down, "Buffy? Are you alright?"
"Sorry," she looked up. "I was just ... I was thinking about the day the Oracles
turned back."
The smile instantly disappeared from his face. "I see," was all he replied. "I
..," he started to say, but she interrupted him.
"No, please let me first. When I told you I was angry with you for it, it was
only partially true. I'm not angry for taking the day back to save my life. God,
how could I when the sacrifice was your own. Nobody ever did something like that
for me."
"I'd do it again in an instant," he said and she knew it was the truth. It was
written in his eyes.
"Yeah ... well," she cleared her throat, "but I was angry because you didn't ask
me first and kept it from me after."
"I know," he replied. "But when I went to the Oracles I never thought they would
turn back the day. I thought ...," he shook his head, "I guess I didn't know what was going to happen. I went there to ask about the consequences of my being
human. And they told me you would die. So I asked them to turn me back that I
would be strong enough to fight by your side in the final battle and the only way they could offer was to turn back time. It was the hardest decision I ever made in my life.
"And I was thinking about telling you, you have to believe me, but then you were
crying in my arms, asking me how to go on with your life knowing what could've
been. So I thought it was for the best you'd never know. Maybe it was wrong, but
I can't change it anymore." He watched her face for a moment and then asked,
"When did you get that special memory?"
"Two weeks after the hellmouth was closed," she answered. She looked into her
cup and added silently, "After that my marriage broke apart."
"I'm sorry," he said softly.
"No," she glanced at him quickly, "if I'm honest with myself I have to admit that Brent and I were never rally meant to be. But when I first started having doubts, Ashlynn was only two months old, so we tried to make it work and Brent was in love with me. So I smiled and tried to be a good wife for him. And for some years we were quite happy."
"I know," was all he replied and she realised that she'd never been out of his
thoughts. This knowledge wrapped itself like a warm blanket around her heart.
"Angel," her voice suddenly sounded urgent. "There's one thing I need to know,
one thing that always bothered me."
"Ask."
"Why didn't you call me when you became human? I understand that you didn't tell
me about the Shanshu-prophecy, because nobody could tell you when it was going to happen, but then you were. Human, I mean, and still you didn't call."
"You were married, Buffy," he said slowly, "Cordelia told me there were problems
in your relationship with Brent and I started to hope, thought about going to see you, but it wouldn't have been fair. I didn't want you to make a decision only because I was human and ... available." He paused and then added, his voice
barely above a whisper, "And I thought you loved him."
"Oh."
"Yeah," he continued. "So I stayed away and about six months later I met Anna. We were only dating, it was nothing serious and I was still hoping ... well, but
then one day Cordelia told me you were having another baby." He raised his head
from the coffee-cup and looked her in the eye, "Two weeks later I married Anna."
Silence settled over the room while his words sunk in. Buffy suddenly understood
what had driven him to marry a woman he'd obviously never loved. "I'm sorry," she whispered after a while. "When I heard that you were human it threw me. I waited and waited that you would call, but you never did. Brent and I were on the crossroads and when I didn't hear from you, I thought I just wasn't important enough for you anymore and gave in to his idea to have another baby. Needless to say that it wasn't working."
A harsh sound escaped his mouth when he stared at her, "Not important enough," he echoed, unable to progress her words. "God, Buffy, if you knew ...," he shook his head and let out an unhappy laugh, "you were everything to me. All my life it seems I've been waiting for you," he stood up and began to pace the room. "When Whistler showed you to me all these years ago it was like a blow in my gut. Your smile, your heart ... It turned my life upside down. I was a homeless man in New York, living off the rats in the streets, but suddenly I had a purpose in my life."
He paused and looked at her again, "Falling in love with you ... it happened so
fast and hard ... I was right in the middle before I even realised what had
happened. And I was so blinded by love that I made myself believe it could work
between us ... then came your 17th birthday, I lost my soul and the harsh reality came crushing down on us."
He flinched when he felt her hand touching his arm and she quickly pulled it
back. He hadn't even realised she had been standing up and walking towards him. "It was the same for me," she admitted. "When I found out you were a vampire it was already too late. And none of my friends could understand what had happened.
After all I was just 16 and not supposed to fall in love like that. They all
thought it was just a teenage crush that would fade." Now she laughed unhappily,
"They had no idea."
"None at all," he agreed, but didn't turn to her.
"I was so angry when you left me," her voice was quiet but there was no
accusation in it, "but I know you did it for me. So that I could have what you
couldn't offer me."
"It broke my heart, Buffy," he admitted. "But I'm still glad I did it. It gave
you the opportunity to have children, to have a family. To live a life as normal
as possible."
There was another silence, both knew his words were true and Buffy couldn't tell
him that she would've been happy without her children. She loved them so much, a
life without them she didn't want to begin to imagine, if he'd stayed they both
would probably never been born. But another thought entered her mind, "You love
children very much, don't you?" she asked.
"Yeah," he replied.
"But you and your wife didn't have any, did you?"
"No," his answer was surprisingly sharp and he walked away from her, needing
distance.
"Was it because you didn't love her?," she asked and then quickly added, "I know
I have absolutely no right to ask this, it's just ... Well, I can't really
understand ..."
"It's okay," he turned back to her, his voice soft. "The answer to your first
question - if it even was one - no, I didn't love Anna. We were attracted to each other, but there was never love between us. I already told you why I married her. About kids," he ran a hand through his hair, "she wanted a baby, but we found out I couldn't have any. There's no medical explanation for it, so I just assume it's a side effect of having been a vampire for over 200 years, maybe not everything was restored when I finally was made human." Suddenly he shrugged, "But then it's maybe better that way, what kid would like a father with a past like mine."
Her heart broke for him in that moment. This man had suffered so much in his life and still he was accepting any sort of punishment, was even able to find a reason in his infertility. "Oh Angel," she said, suppressing the threatening tears. "I'm sorry."
"Hey," he tried a smile and was glad it worked. "I'm okay with it. There's
nothing one can do. I just have to accept it." He took a deep breath and then
told her, "In the end she took it as a reason to file for a divorce. But we
agreed on it and for this special case I'm even glad. To have a baby for all the
wrong reasons would've been a disaster. This way we parted as friends. She is
married again and I hope she's happy."
"I'm still sorry," she insisted. "You would be a wonderful father. Just think the way you are with Matt or with David today. He already adores you."
Now was the moment, he realised. He had to ask the question he been trying to
avoid. Angel gathered all his courage and asked, "Well, I could maybe read
stories more often to him if I'm going to see his mom on a regular basis, which I would like very much. That is, if you would like it?"
His voice was full of uncertainty and hope and if Buffy hadn't already realised
it, now she would've certainly known that she was lost. She was right in the
middle of the cold water and all she could do now was swim and hope he wouldn't
let her drown. She would have to trust him and all of a sudden it wasn't
difficult at all. The way they had talked, the way his eyes were resting on her,
it wasn't really much of choice. So she walked over to him and put a hand on his
arm. When his eyes were finally looking into hers she whispered, "I would like
that very much."
End of Chapter Nine.