Author's Notes: Hi again! This fic is a parody of the 70's series, M*A*S*H. The show takes place during the Korean War in the 1960's. Therefore any mentioning of actual historic events or people are from that time period, so don't expect any mentioning of modern objects. Unfortunately I don't have access to all the episodes so I'm kinda missing the first few episodes but...this is the oldest one I could find. I hope you guys enjoy this series, it took a lot of time and effort to write.
D*A*S*H Episode One: Bananas, Crackers, and Nuts
It was one of those weeks in the 4077th medical division. Wounded were being flown in from the front frequently and all doctors were on alert all twenty four hours. With no time for a lunch break, nurses were busy supplying the surgeons with nourishment from the Mess Tent.
"Nurse," Captain Taichi Yagami looked up from his patient at the head nurse, Major Mimi Tachikawa.
"Yes, doctor," Mimi replied. She pulled down Tai's mask and held a sandwich up to his mouth.
Tai took a large bite and chewed slowly. He looked at Mimi, revolted. "What did you do? Send out to the enemy for that sandwich?"
Mimi rolled her eyes, putting Tai's mask back on and pushing him away. She looked over and saw Captain Yamato Ishida sound asleep on one of the operating tables. She sighed, they needed all possible tables for the arriving wounded. She went over to Matt and shook him. "Captain..."
Matt didn't move, continuing to sleep. Mimi slapped him hard. "Ishida!"
Matt sat up with a start! "What?" He saw Mimi. "Oh."
Yawning, he got off the table, just as another soldier was brought in for operation. Mimi pulled out a fresh pair of rubber gloves and proceeded to put them on Matt.
Meanwhile, a nurse was feeding coffee to Joe to try and keep him awake. Slowly, Joe's eyes closed and he began to nod off during surgery. The nurse pulled the IV tube being used as a straw out of his mouth. The jolt woke him up.
It was late in the afternoon when Tai and Matt finally finished. They stood in PreOP, throwing their used surgical garments into the laundry bins.
"What a session," yawned Tai.
Matt sighed. "Is it Tuesday or Wednesday?"
A nurse walked by on her way outside. "It's Friday."
Matt blinked a couple times. "Well somebody owes us a Thursday."
"Either that or two Wednesdays," agreed Tai.
The two of them trudged outside towards their tent. They stopped in front of the door to shake the commanding officer, Lieutenant Colonel Henry Blake awake.
As soon as they entered their tent, fondly called "The Swamp", Tai headed over to their still. He was exhausted and needed a nice martini to boost his energy.
Tai picked up a glass and stared at it lovingly. "Darling, we're about to make each other VERY happy." His fantasy however was shattered when he tried the still. Nothing came out. Upon closer inspection Tai discovered it to be empty. "It's dry!"
"Well you can't make them dry enough for me," Matt said absently, changing his shirt.
"I mean the still is dry, you knuckle head!" Tai shouted, waving a pitcher in his face. Matt looked at the tin pitcher. "You didn't put the fixings in last night!"
"I wasn't here last night!" protested Matt.
"That's no excuse!" retorted Tai. He paused, thinking. "I mean it is- but it isn't! Do you know what this means?! No martinis!"
"Well you should have enough martinis stored in your hump to last you seven days! And don't call me 'knuckle head'!"
Matt sat down on his bed, glaring at Tai. Tai threw the pitcher on the floor and lay down in his own bed. In anger, Matt kicked the tin object across the floor and glared at the wall.
*Tai sure is irritable today,* Matt thought, chancing a glance in Tai's direction. *It's probably because he's over worked. I guess I can't blame him, we're all exhausted.* Matt received an angry glare from Tai. *But it's no excuse for being a jerk!* Matt looked away.
"Hey, what is this?" asked Tai. "What's happening to us?"
"Our first fight," answered Matt.
"But we're always on the same side!" exclaimed Tai.
"Yeah," agreed Matt. "Us against them."
"Whoever the them we were always us," said Tai.
Matt stood up and walked over to Tai's bed. "You know if I was to analyze your symptoms..."
"Yeah?"
"...I would say...stress-"
"Yeah," agreed Tai.
"Irritability from over work," continued Matt.
"Yeah," nodded Tai. "That's what I got."
Matt sat down on the edge of Tai's bed. "And you know what I would prescribe?"
Tai sat up immediately, a grin splitting his face. "Two days rest and recreation at the R&R center in Tokyo."
"Actually I was thinking three days," said Matt.
Tai shrugged. "Well you're the doctor. Shall we visit our friendly travel agents?"
* * * * * * * * *
Corporal Izzy Izumi walked inside Colonel Blake's office, carrying a bag of golf clubs. The colonel had decided to take a few days leave after the tiresome hours he had spent in surgery. Matt and Tai were there, talking with Blake.
"Here you go, sir," Izzy said, handing Blake the clubs.
Matt picked up a golf club and eyed Blake suspiciously. "So, gonna do a little bit outdoor surgery, huh Henry?"
"There's nothing wrong with a little relaxation," shrugged Blake.
Tai saw his opportunity. "Precisely! Before you go we want you to arrange a few days for us at the R&R center."
"Right!" agreed Matt.
Blake shook his head as he headed for the door. "I'm leaving now, guys. Okay, Izzy."
Izzy picked up Blake's bags and followed him outside to his jeep. Tai and Matt followed, shouting out cries of protest.
"Hey Henry!" called Matt. "If you don't let us go, they'll take us out of here in a rubber truck!"
Meanwhile Tai was measuring things up. "If you're leaving, that means Joe Kido is in charge!"
"And he'll never let us out!" added Matt.
"Every time you leave he turns into instant Hitler!" protested Tai.
Blake chose to ignore them. He thanked Izzy for loading his bags and turned towards Tai and Matt. "You'll just have to work it out."
Tai grabbed Blake by the shirt collar. "If I don't get away from this place for a while, I'm gonna start picking flowers off the wallpaper!"
"Let go," Blake replied calmly.
"I had a dream last night where I was asleep!" cried Tai. "And I dreamt it while I was awake!"
"Are you nuts?" Blake turned to the jeep's driver. "Move out."
The jeep drove off, leaving Tai and Matt standing in the dust.
"Were you acting?" Matt asked Tai.
Tai sighed deeply but then smiled. "You ain't seen nothing yet."
* * * * * * * * *
Later that day, Tai was walking around the camp, on his way to his tent. A nurse he had been trying to get a date with for some time, Margie Cuttler, ran up to him.
"Tai, could I have a word with you?" she asked.
Tai smiled. "If it's the one I wanna hear."
Margie laughed. "Listen, maybe I've been unfair. I mean, you've asked me out so many times and... well I'm not on duty tonight so... well I was wondering..."
"Well you can stop wondering, you're about to face reality," smiled Tai. He paused, thinking it over. Then his smile faded. "Wait a minute, what did you have in mind?"
"Whatever you have in mind," answered Margie, a little confused.
Tai stared at Margie for a few seconds. "What?! Lieutenant, if I didn't know you better, I'd be hurt!"
"But Tai-"
"I know what you want!" Tai went on. "What they all want!" Several officers stopped to stare and listen. "You think just because a guy smiles at you, or lets you cut in front of him in the chow line, he's a pushover! Well let me tell you something, Lieutenant! Forget it! I'm not that kind of a boy!"
Tai walked away, leaving Margie standing there shocked and confused.
* * * * * * * * *
Matt sat in the Mess tent at the same table as Majors Joe Kido and Mimi Tachikawa.
"I'm worried about Tai," Matt stated flatly.
"Well I wouldn't be," dismissed Joe. "He does very well looking after himself."
"VERY well," agreed Mimi.
"That's exactly my point," continued Matt. "He's not himself."
"What does that mean?" asked Joe.
"He seems to be losing touch with reality," explained Matt.
Mimi and Joe laughed at Matt's statement. Tai was as hard as a rock even during the toughest of times.
"I think the last person we have to worry about is Tai Yagami!" laughed Joe.
"I second that," agreed Mimi.
It was then that Tai entered the Mess tent. He was dressed in a surgical gown, complete with cap, mask, and gloves. He carried a plate covered in a cloth and surgical tools wrapped up in a sterilized cloth. He was humming to himself and as Mimi, Joe, and Matt watched on, Joe and Mimi in surprise, Matt in amusement, Tai sat down at their table.
Casually, Tai unwrapped his utensils and took off the cloth revealing a plate of liver. Still humming, he used a scalpel to cut a piece of the liver and proceeded to eat it.
"Were you just in surgery?" Joe asked Tai.
Tai paused. "I'd rather not say."
Joe watched Tai eat for a while then spoke. "Alright, what's all that funny business there?"
"There's nothing funny here to me, Joe," replied Tai. "I happen to be VERY serious about this DELICIOUS piece of liver." He ate another bite.
"Liver?" repeated Joe. "Where did you get liver? They're serving hamburger."
Tai pulled the plate closer to him, defensively. "This is mine and you can't have any!"
"Okay! Okay," shrugged Joe. "But where did you get it?"
Tai paused to eat another piece before answering. "From that North Korean."
"What North Korean?" asked Joe, confused. "There- you mean the one that...?" Recognition dawned on Joe's face.
Tai looked directly at Joe. "The one that croaked."
Mimi and Joe looked at each other, disgusted and horrified.
"You didn't," accused Mimi.
"He was VERY clean," shrugged Tai.
"You must be... loony!" exclaimed Joe. "Now what is this?"
"If you want to join me for breakfast, we can have a stack of pancreas," replied Tai simply.
Tai turned to reach for the ketchup bottle. As he did this, Joe edged over and pulled over Tai's plate of liver. Tai saw him do this, putting down the bottle and standing up in anger.
"You touched my plate! You're not sterile! You've ruined my liver! Ruined it! And we're all out of North Koreans!!!"
Tai grabbed Joe by the shirt collar menacingly. Mimi desperately tried to pull Tai off of Joe. Matt stood up and slapped Tai hard across the face.
Tai staggered back and blinked in shock. "I don't think I needed that."
Matt called over Izzy and told him to take Tai back to their tent. Once there, Izzy was to make Tai take some blue pills. Izzy nodded and grabbed Tai's arm. Tai recoiled.
"Don't touch me." Tai pulled off his rubber gloves and headed towards the exit, throwing Joe a dirty glare. "Filthy liver thief."
Matt looked at Joe. "Well Joe?"
Joe tried to compose himself. "I-I know we've all been working desperately hard but Yagami's always been a rock!"
"Let me take him to Tokyo for some R&R before he cracks up any further," Matt pressed. Joe gave Matt a suspicious look. Matt pounded the table. "Joe, I'm the only one that can handle him!"
Joe looked at Mimi, who nodded. Sighing, he said, "I'll make the arrangements."
Matt smiled. "You know, Yagami was saying this morning what a- what a considerate, intelligent human being you are." With that he left.
Joe turned to Mimi. "He HAS flipped."
* * * * * * * * *
Later that evening, Joe paced back and forth in Mimi's tent. He felt uneasy about sending Tai and Matt to Tokyo.
"I've made my decision," he said. "Why do I feel so uneasy?"
"Because we both know what operators they are," Mimi replied. "How about this? I have a psychiatrist friend in the 423rd evac, Phil Sherman. He's been crazy about me for years." She laughed. "Crazy, isn't that funny?"
"I don't think anyone being crazy about you is funny, Mimi," Joe frowned.
Mimi smiled. "Joe, you're jealous."
"Jealous?!" Joe got down on his knees in front of Mimi. "I envy anyone that comes close to you. I envy the fly that walked across your upper lip. I envy the cotton tips you stick in your ears. I-"
"Joe!" Mimi interrupted. "The point is, Sherman's a brilliant psychiatrist and if anyone can spot a phony... You see where I'm getting at?"
Joe thought it over for a minute. Then he smiled, knowingly.
* * * * * * * * *
Tai and Matt were busy packing up all their things, fondly awaiting their weekend in Tokyo.
"In a few hours I'm gonna be in the arms of some one I haven't even met yet!" smiled Tai.
Matt nodded. "I'll drink to that!" He walked over to the door with is suitcase under his arm. He opened to door to leave, when Izzy came in.
"Uh, Tai?" he asked. Tai came over as Izzy read off his clipboard. "By order of Major Joe Kido, acting commanding officer."
"Oh yeah?" Matt scoffed.
Izzy looked up at Matt then went back to reading. "Captain T. Yagami will make himself available tomorrow morning for an examination by Captain Phillip G. Sherman."
"What kind of examination?" asked Tai.
"Psychiatric," answered Izzy.
"Psychiatric?" repeated Tai. "Well you can just tell your psychiatrist that I'm not gonna be here." He picked up his suitcase.
"Yeah, tell him to start without him," Matt added.
"We're gonna be in a hotel in Tokyo," Tai said, pushing past Izzy and out the door.
Matt followed but they didn't get very far. Two MPs came and ushered them back inside their tent. They threw their bags down on their beds.
"Ah, the bellhops are here," Tai grumbled. "This is a nice room."
"Yeah," sighed Matt. "I, uh, I stay here all the time."
"Well thanks, fellas," Tai said to the MPs. "I'll just slip into something comfortable." Tai crawled into bed as Matt sat down in a chair. The MPs didn't move. Tai turned to Matt. "I think they're waiting for a tip."
* * * * * * * * *
The next day, Dr. Sherman arrived. He stood in the commanding officer's office, holding his bags. Mimi called for Izzy.
"Corporal, take the captain's bags to the visiting officer's tent," Mimi ordered.
"Yes sir," nodded Izzy.
"Ma'am!"
"Sir?" asked Izzy.
Mimi sighed. "Dismissed."
"Yes sir." As soon as Izzy left, Sherman sat down by Mimi.
"It's been a long time," he said quietly.
"San Diego," Mimi nodded.
"I waited for you in the barn till 4AM," Sherman said. "You never came."
"I said I wouldn't," Mimi replied.
"You didn't lie." Sherman smiled at Mimi.
"I think you should see Captain Yagami right away," Mimi said, standing up. Sherman was bothering her. She got up and headed for the door. Sherman ran ahead and held it open for her. Mimi looked at Sherman and used the other door to walk outside.
* * * * * * * * *
Later on, Sherman sat inside The Swamp with Tai. The session had begun but they weren't progressing.
"Captain," Sherman said. Tai looked up. "For me to do my job, I've got to know what's bothering you, if anything. So the sooner you trust me, the sooner I'll be able to help you."
"Oh I trust you," Tai said. "Why wouldn't I trust you?"
"That's a very healthy attitude," Sherman replied.
"Thank you," said Tai.
"You're welcome," Sherman said.
"To be sure."
"Right."
"Wrong."
"I beg your pardon?" asked Sherman.
"Oh I was just associating freely," explained Tai. "I thought you'd expect that."
"Fine," shrugged Sherman.
"And dandy."
"Doctor..."
"Nurse!"
"No, no, no!"
"Yes, yes, yes!"
"No! We're not going to do that," Sherman explained.
"Oh!" Tai nodded. "Well whatever you say."
Sherman sighed. "Yagami..."
"Taichi!" Sherman frowned at Tai. Tai smiled. "Oh, I'm sorry!"
"Listen," sighed Sherman, "we're both professional men. Let's get right to it. What's your problem?"
"I appreciate your forthright approach and I'm gonna level with you," Tai began. "I'm in love."
Sherman smiled. "That's nice, I'm sure. But, uh, that doesn't explain your eradict behavior of late."
Tai sighed deeply. "Well maybe it's because I'm in love and he doesn't even know I exist."
Sherman stared at Tai. "Did you say 'he'?"
"I'm relying on your professional discretion," Tai replied.
"Good," said Sherman. "Who is it?"
"Joe Kido."
"Major Kido?" asked Sherman.
Tai looked at Sherman shyly. "Joe."
Sherman thought for a while before saying, "Tell me about it."
"You don't know what it's been like," moaned Tai. "Living together in the same tent month after month! And having him think of me as just another guy!"
"Go on, please."
Tai sighed. "If only he knew night after night I sleep with his shaving brush under my pillow!" Tai lifted up his pillow revealing a shaving brush lying on the mattress. "I always try to operate at the same table he does. Somehow I feel sharing a casualty brings us closer together."
Sherman nodded. "Of course."
"But he's only got eyes for Mimi," Tai pouted.
"That would be Major Tachikawa?" asked Sherman.
Tai nodded, sitting on the bed next to Sherman. "Did you know she dyes her hair pink at times?"
"Oh?" Sherman seemed surprised.
"Oh yeah!" nodded Tai. "That's why I dyed my hair brown. I think Joe should have a clear choice."
Sherman looked a little uncomfortable but never the less, urged Tai to continue. He pulled out a pen and a pad of paper.
"Do you think a girl should throw herself at him like that?" asked Tai. "I mean I realize that I'm only a captain and he's a major but after all, fair is fair. You know what I mean?" Tai moved closer to Sherman who edged away nervously. "Don't you agree?"
* * * * * * * * *
In the meantime, Blake had arrived back from his vacation. He stood in his office trying to piece back together a figurine that had broken. Izzy meanwhile, was putting all Blake's things away.
"Anything new develop while I was gone, Izzy?" asked Blake.
"Oh nothing much, sir," answered Izzy.
"Good," said Blake.
Izzy shrugged. "Just all of a sudden Captain Yagami went bananas and they had to call in a psychiatrist."
Blake stopped what he was doing. "They what?"
"There's a rumor going around that he might be shipped off to the laughing academy," Izzy continued.
Blake sighed. "Oh he's beautiful. You tell Captain Sherman he's to report to my office as soon as possible."
At the same time Izzy spoke, "I'll tell Captain Sherman to see you as soon as he's available."
* * * * * * * * *
Blake called a meeting in his office. He lead inside Joe and Mimi to where Sherman was waiting. Mimi, Joe, and Sherman immediately saluted each other.
"Captain Sherman, do you know-" Blake stopped speaking as he noticed the others standing at attention. He saluted, causing them to fall at ease. "Captain Sherman, do you know Major Tachikawa, Major Kido."
Sherman smiled at Mimi. "Major."
"Captain," Mimi replied.
"Captain," greeted Joe, rather coldly.
Sherman turned towards Joe as if just noticing his presence. "Major."
"Well sit down, sit down," ushered Blake, pointing to the chairs in front of his desk.
Sherman helped Mimi into a chair. Joe went to sit next to her, but Sherman was faster, swiftly taking his seat. Frowning, Joe stood back.
"The Captain here thinks that Yagami is a candidate for the funny farm," began Blake. "Now we all know what a practical joker he is, so Joe, uh, why don't you tell us about the time that uh, when you were asleep Yagami tied your big toes to the bed post and yelled 'fire'."
"Oh I'd rather not, sir," replied Joe, blushing with embarrassment.
"Well then, um, tell him about the time he sedated you, and then set both your arms and legs in plaster and then hung you from the ceiling with traction ropes!" Blake began to laugh. He was the only one, so he continued.
"And how when you came to you thought you had four broken limbs! And then Yagami came in, you see and cut him down. Joe, I tell you I will NEVER forget the terror in your eyes, that look just before you hit the bed!" Blake laughed even harder. "Do you remember that one, Joe?"
"I don't think I'll EVER forget it, sir," mumbled Joe.
"We certainly won't," agreed Mimi with bitterness.
"Yagami did that?" asked Sherman.
"Yeah!" laughed Blake.
"Yes!" Joe had seemed to recover from embarrassment and was livid. "And I don't think a man like that should get those three days of R&R!"
"Neither do I," nodded Mimi.
"I agree," Sherman said. "Colonel, I'm taking him with me to Tokyo tomorrow."
Blake stopped laughing. "You're gonna what?"
"I think Yagami can use a few weeks of observation," explained Sherman.
"Well wait a minute!" protested Blake. "I mean what if I never get him back?"
"We'll do the best we can," assured Sherman.
"This is the army!" cried Blake. He couldn't lose his best surgeon for a little joke. "Nobody can do the best they can! Now Joe, just tell him how wrong he is. That, uh, Yagami is just pulling a fast one. Or we're gonna lose him, they're gonna take him away!"
Joe said nothing. He and Mimi looked at Blake with amused expressions. Blake wasn't gonna give up, there was no way he was losing Yagami!
"Tell him, Joe!" pleaded Blake. "Joe! Tell him!" Joe said nothing, so Blake turned to Mimi. "Major Tachikawa, you tell him."
"You mean poor Tai?" asked Mimi.
Blake was confused. "What 'poor Tai'?"
Mimi smiled devilishly. "Poor, sick Tai?"
"Sick, sick, sick," sighed Joe.
* * * * * * * * *
When Tai received the news he was completely shocked.
"What do you mean observation?" he asked Sherman, later that day. "The only thing I want to observe in Tokyo is what a good time I'm having."
"You need tests," answered Sherman.
"Oh come on!" protested Tai. "You know I was only putting you on about Joe Kido!"
"Of course," nodded Sherman. "But you HAVE done some pretty bizarre things."
"Gee, I can't imagine why," Tai said sarcastically. "I'm twelve thousand miles away from home, sewing together soldiers who aren't old enough to shave, while a bunch of people I don't know keep dropping bombs on the building where I work which has a big red cross painted on the roof! Maybe I should just hire a band and have the whole thing catered!"
"Easy, Captain," coaxed Sherman. "We'll be leaving in the morning. That's an order." Sherman turned to leave, but Tai wasn't finished yet.
"Hey, didn't- didn't anything ever get you, Captain?" he asked. "Any situation that was thrown upon you that you didn't come out smelling like a... well adjusted rose?"
"Not much chance of that, Captain," replied Sherman. "My sense of reality is my gyroscope. Whatever the situation, it keeps me on course."
"You're a lucky man," said Tai. Then he added, "I'm speaking in the past tense."
"Just relax," Sherman coaxed. With that, he left The Swamp, leaving Tai alone to his thoughts.
So Captain Sherman had no troubles with the war or anything at all. He never went the slightest bit crazy over something...or someone... That's when the idea hit Tai. He'd show Sherman that all people had their episodes of insanity. If Tai was going to Tokyo, it was only to meet the ladies.
He looked out the open door and saw Izzy walking by on his way to the showers. Just what Tai needed... He called over Izzy and ushered him inside.
"What's up?" Izzy asked wearily. He knew whenever either Tai or Matt called him over, it wasn't for casual talk.
"A mission you just volunteered for," replied a grinning Tai.
"Um, I was just on my way to the shower," said Izzy, trying to think up a good enough excuse.
"Well, you waited this long," shrugged Tai, leading Izzy away where he explained his idea.
* * * * * * * * *
At lunch time, Izzy sat down in the Mess tent with his bowl of soup across the table from Sherman. Sherman didn't notice him, he was to busy gazing dreamily over at Mimi who was seated at the table behind them.
"Do you mind if I sit here, sir?" asked Izzy quietly.
"No, not at all, Corporal," smiled Sherman, turning away from Mimi.
"Thank you, that's very kind of you," thanked Izzy. He began to eat his soup.
Izzy looked up past Sherman over at Mimi's table. He pointed to himself then shook his head. In question he pointed across the table at Sherman. Sherman looked up at Izzy and then turned around. Mimi was talking to the nurse sitting beside her.
"Would you like some soup, sir?" Izzy asked, looking at the cup of coffee Sherman held.
"No, no thanks," answered Sherman, turning back around. Izzy repeated the same guestures again. Sherman turned around, Mimi was still talking to that same nurse. He turned to face Izzy again. "Why do you keep doing that?"
"It's Major Tachikawa, sir," replied Izzy. "She keeps looking over here and then when you look over she turns away."
Sherman seemed excited. "Really? Major Tachikawa?" He quickly turned around. Mimi was talking to the nurse.
"Does that surprise you, sir?" Izzy asked innocently. "Just this afternoon I heard her in the women's shower saying what a great person you are."
"What were you doing in the women's shower?" asked Sherman suspiciously.
Izzy blushed. "Actually, I was on the outside fixing a hole in the tent."
"I'm sure she was talking about somebody else," sighed Sherman. Izzy shrugged and went back to eating. It wasn't long before Sherman asked, "What did she say?"
* * * * * * * * *
The plan was hatched later that night. In the darkness Matt snuck up to Mimi's tent. Quietly and carefully he changed the door sign from "Maj. M. Tachikawa" to "Visiting Officer's Qtrs." Matt looked around. The coast was clear. He then casually walked away.
Soon after he had left, Izzy came walking towards the tent with Sherman. They were indulged in conversation.
"Well thank you very much for your advice, sir," Izzy was saying. "I'll be sure to send home for that book by Sgt. Freud."
"That's Sigmond Freud," corrected Sherman.
"Oh, yes sir," nodded Izzy.
Sherman entered his tent, telling Izzy good night. But when he tried the light, he discovered it to be burnt out.
"Uh, there's no light," he said.
"Is that so, sir?" Izzy looked inside the tent. "Oh, it must be a burnt out bulb. I could scrape another one up for you."
"Unnecessary!" dismissed Sherman. "My profession is helping people find their way in the dark!"
Izzy laughed. "Oh yes sir! Very good sir!" Sherman closed the door. Izzy rolled his eyes and quickly walked away.
As soon as Izzy was gone, Matt came back, replacing the signs again. He then snuck away, just as Mimi was coming back to her tent. She entered her tent, noticing the light had burnt out. Muttering under her breath, she began to change into her night gown.
Sherman rolled over from the bed in which he was sleeping and saw Mimi's silhouette. A grin split his face. "It's true. It's true!" He got up and ran over to help Mimi with her night gown. "Here, let me do that."
Mimi screamed in surprise and fear. Meanwhile, outside, Tai and Matt were listening through the door while Izzy reconnected the electrical wires. Now the "burnt out bulb" would work. Matt ran inside Mimi's tent, flipping on the light. When he saw that Sherman had Mimi on the bed and was smothering her with kisses, he wore an expression of complete shock.
"Oh pardon me," he apologized. "I thought I heard some one yell for help." He nodded. "Carry on." With that he left the tent, going back outside to where a crowd had begun to gather.
"Carry on, hell!" Mimi shrieked. "I DID yell for help! Help! Help! HELP!!!"
Joe had come when he heard all the screaming and was shocked to find it coming from Mimi's tent. Smiling and saluting, Matt and Tai held open the door for Joe to rush inside. Tai and Matt followed.
"CAPTAIN SHERMAN!!!" gasped Joe in horror. "MIMI!!!"
Mimi ran over to Joe, and hugged him. "It's not me! I wouldn't have anything to do with this pervert!"
"This is all a horrible mistake!" cried Sherman, beginning to dress. "I've been victimized!"
"Is that what you call it?!" screamed Mimi. "Waiting in the dark to spring on an innocent young girl!"
Mimi and Sherman began shouting at each other. Blake then arrived.
"What in Sam's hell is going on in here?!" bellowed Blake. he had obviously been trying to sleep.
"She wanted me!" stuttered Sherman. "I mean, I thought she wanted me! I'm a very controlled person!"
"Of course you are," nodded Tai. "You're just having a little gyroscope trouble."
"A little trouble with your what?" asked Blake.
"Colonel, can I get out of here?" asked Sherman.
"First thing in the morning," answered Blake.
That wasn't soon enough for Sherman. "What about now?"
"Even better!" exclaimed Tai.
"Right," sighed Blake. He lead the way out of the tent. Matt and Tai followed with Sherman.
"I'll, uh, pack you some bananas," Matt offered Sherman.
"And I'll get you some crackers and nuts," added Tai.
Sherman turned to Mimi, saying goodbye. Mimi shrieked and lunged at him. Thankfully Joe was there to hold her back.
* * * * * * * * *
At long last, Tai and Matt were on their way to Tokyo. They came out of The Swamp over to the waiting jeep and threw their bags into the back before climbing in.
"Oh driver!" Tai called. "Yohoo! Driver!"
The driver arrived and climbed into the driver's seat. Blake came over, holding their vacation tickets.
"Well here you go, men," he said, handing them both the tickets. "One full week of R&R."
"Well if I say so myself, we earned them," Matt said.
"Yes indeedy," agreed Tai.
"Now don't forget the deal," warned Blake.
"Listen, if you need us we're only a phone call away," assured Tai.
It was then that Izzy jumped up from where he was reading a book. His senses were at it again. "Choppers. Here they come!"
Moments later, the sound of distant helicopters could be heard and the PA system blared the announcement. "Attention all personnel. Incoming casualties! Report immediately to the admitting ward and operating room. On the double!"
Blake left. Tai and Matt looked at each other and sighed. Reluctantly, they climbed out of the jeep, picking up their bags.
Tai turned to the driver. "Do me a favour and keep the motor running until the war is over."
"And don't stop the meter," Matt added.
The two of them tossed their suitcases back into The Swamp and slowly trudged towards the OR. Blake was waiting for them, his hands held out. Reluctantly, Tai and Matt each handed in their leave papers before heading into surgery. They were in for another long stretch of work, with no relaxation or pretty Japanese girls in sight.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So what do you think of my first episode? It's not really the first one but the earliest episode I had that I could find. Feedback is really appreciated and I really want to know if you want me to do more. If no one likes this then I certainly won't continue because it's VERY time consuming. Also, if anyone knows where I could find some M*A*S*H scripts(not the movie, the television series) could you let me know? It would make writing this a whole lot easier. Leave them in a review or email them to me. Thank you!
D*A*S*H Episode One: Bananas, Crackers, and Nuts
It was one of those weeks in the 4077th medical division. Wounded were being flown in from the front frequently and all doctors were on alert all twenty four hours. With no time for a lunch break, nurses were busy supplying the surgeons with nourishment from the Mess Tent.
"Nurse," Captain Taichi Yagami looked up from his patient at the head nurse, Major Mimi Tachikawa.
"Yes, doctor," Mimi replied. She pulled down Tai's mask and held a sandwich up to his mouth.
Tai took a large bite and chewed slowly. He looked at Mimi, revolted. "What did you do? Send out to the enemy for that sandwich?"
Mimi rolled her eyes, putting Tai's mask back on and pushing him away. She looked over and saw Captain Yamato Ishida sound asleep on one of the operating tables. She sighed, they needed all possible tables for the arriving wounded. She went over to Matt and shook him. "Captain..."
Matt didn't move, continuing to sleep. Mimi slapped him hard. "Ishida!"
Matt sat up with a start! "What?" He saw Mimi. "Oh."
Yawning, he got off the table, just as another soldier was brought in for operation. Mimi pulled out a fresh pair of rubber gloves and proceeded to put them on Matt.
Meanwhile, a nurse was feeding coffee to Joe to try and keep him awake. Slowly, Joe's eyes closed and he began to nod off during surgery. The nurse pulled the IV tube being used as a straw out of his mouth. The jolt woke him up.
It was late in the afternoon when Tai and Matt finally finished. They stood in PreOP, throwing their used surgical garments into the laundry bins.
"What a session," yawned Tai.
Matt sighed. "Is it Tuesday or Wednesday?"
A nurse walked by on her way outside. "It's Friday."
Matt blinked a couple times. "Well somebody owes us a Thursday."
"Either that or two Wednesdays," agreed Tai.
The two of them trudged outside towards their tent. They stopped in front of the door to shake the commanding officer, Lieutenant Colonel Henry Blake awake.
As soon as they entered their tent, fondly called "The Swamp", Tai headed over to their still. He was exhausted and needed a nice martini to boost his energy.
Tai picked up a glass and stared at it lovingly. "Darling, we're about to make each other VERY happy." His fantasy however was shattered when he tried the still. Nothing came out. Upon closer inspection Tai discovered it to be empty. "It's dry!"
"Well you can't make them dry enough for me," Matt said absently, changing his shirt.
"I mean the still is dry, you knuckle head!" Tai shouted, waving a pitcher in his face. Matt looked at the tin pitcher. "You didn't put the fixings in last night!"
"I wasn't here last night!" protested Matt.
"That's no excuse!" retorted Tai. He paused, thinking. "I mean it is- but it isn't! Do you know what this means?! No martinis!"
"Well you should have enough martinis stored in your hump to last you seven days! And don't call me 'knuckle head'!"
Matt sat down on his bed, glaring at Tai. Tai threw the pitcher on the floor and lay down in his own bed. In anger, Matt kicked the tin object across the floor and glared at the wall.
*Tai sure is irritable today,* Matt thought, chancing a glance in Tai's direction. *It's probably because he's over worked. I guess I can't blame him, we're all exhausted.* Matt received an angry glare from Tai. *But it's no excuse for being a jerk!* Matt looked away.
"Hey, what is this?" asked Tai. "What's happening to us?"
"Our first fight," answered Matt.
"But we're always on the same side!" exclaimed Tai.
"Yeah," agreed Matt. "Us against them."
"Whoever the them we were always us," said Tai.
Matt stood up and walked over to Tai's bed. "You know if I was to analyze your symptoms..."
"Yeah?"
"...I would say...stress-"
"Yeah," agreed Tai.
"Irritability from over work," continued Matt.
"Yeah," nodded Tai. "That's what I got."
Matt sat down on the edge of Tai's bed. "And you know what I would prescribe?"
Tai sat up immediately, a grin splitting his face. "Two days rest and recreation at the R&R center in Tokyo."
"Actually I was thinking three days," said Matt.
Tai shrugged. "Well you're the doctor. Shall we visit our friendly travel agents?"
* * * * * * * * *
Corporal Izzy Izumi walked inside Colonel Blake's office, carrying a bag of golf clubs. The colonel had decided to take a few days leave after the tiresome hours he had spent in surgery. Matt and Tai were there, talking with Blake.
"Here you go, sir," Izzy said, handing Blake the clubs.
Matt picked up a golf club and eyed Blake suspiciously. "So, gonna do a little bit outdoor surgery, huh Henry?"
"There's nothing wrong with a little relaxation," shrugged Blake.
Tai saw his opportunity. "Precisely! Before you go we want you to arrange a few days for us at the R&R center."
"Right!" agreed Matt.
Blake shook his head as he headed for the door. "I'm leaving now, guys. Okay, Izzy."
Izzy picked up Blake's bags and followed him outside to his jeep. Tai and Matt followed, shouting out cries of protest.
"Hey Henry!" called Matt. "If you don't let us go, they'll take us out of here in a rubber truck!"
Meanwhile Tai was measuring things up. "If you're leaving, that means Joe Kido is in charge!"
"And he'll never let us out!" added Matt.
"Every time you leave he turns into instant Hitler!" protested Tai.
Blake chose to ignore them. He thanked Izzy for loading his bags and turned towards Tai and Matt. "You'll just have to work it out."
Tai grabbed Blake by the shirt collar. "If I don't get away from this place for a while, I'm gonna start picking flowers off the wallpaper!"
"Let go," Blake replied calmly.
"I had a dream last night where I was asleep!" cried Tai. "And I dreamt it while I was awake!"
"Are you nuts?" Blake turned to the jeep's driver. "Move out."
The jeep drove off, leaving Tai and Matt standing in the dust.
"Were you acting?" Matt asked Tai.
Tai sighed deeply but then smiled. "You ain't seen nothing yet."
* * * * * * * * *
Later that day, Tai was walking around the camp, on his way to his tent. A nurse he had been trying to get a date with for some time, Margie Cuttler, ran up to him.
"Tai, could I have a word with you?" she asked.
Tai smiled. "If it's the one I wanna hear."
Margie laughed. "Listen, maybe I've been unfair. I mean, you've asked me out so many times and... well I'm not on duty tonight so... well I was wondering..."
"Well you can stop wondering, you're about to face reality," smiled Tai. He paused, thinking it over. Then his smile faded. "Wait a minute, what did you have in mind?"
"Whatever you have in mind," answered Margie, a little confused.
Tai stared at Margie for a few seconds. "What?! Lieutenant, if I didn't know you better, I'd be hurt!"
"But Tai-"
"I know what you want!" Tai went on. "What they all want!" Several officers stopped to stare and listen. "You think just because a guy smiles at you, or lets you cut in front of him in the chow line, he's a pushover! Well let me tell you something, Lieutenant! Forget it! I'm not that kind of a boy!"
Tai walked away, leaving Margie standing there shocked and confused.
* * * * * * * * *
Matt sat in the Mess tent at the same table as Majors Joe Kido and Mimi Tachikawa.
"I'm worried about Tai," Matt stated flatly.
"Well I wouldn't be," dismissed Joe. "He does very well looking after himself."
"VERY well," agreed Mimi.
"That's exactly my point," continued Matt. "He's not himself."
"What does that mean?" asked Joe.
"He seems to be losing touch with reality," explained Matt.
Mimi and Joe laughed at Matt's statement. Tai was as hard as a rock even during the toughest of times.
"I think the last person we have to worry about is Tai Yagami!" laughed Joe.
"I second that," agreed Mimi.
It was then that Tai entered the Mess tent. He was dressed in a surgical gown, complete with cap, mask, and gloves. He carried a plate covered in a cloth and surgical tools wrapped up in a sterilized cloth. He was humming to himself and as Mimi, Joe, and Matt watched on, Joe and Mimi in surprise, Matt in amusement, Tai sat down at their table.
Casually, Tai unwrapped his utensils and took off the cloth revealing a plate of liver. Still humming, he used a scalpel to cut a piece of the liver and proceeded to eat it.
"Were you just in surgery?" Joe asked Tai.
Tai paused. "I'd rather not say."
Joe watched Tai eat for a while then spoke. "Alright, what's all that funny business there?"
"There's nothing funny here to me, Joe," replied Tai. "I happen to be VERY serious about this DELICIOUS piece of liver." He ate another bite.
"Liver?" repeated Joe. "Where did you get liver? They're serving hamburger."
Tai pulled the plate closer to him, defensively. "This is mine and you can't have any!"
"Okay! Okay," shrugged Joe. "But where did you get it?"
Tai paused to eat another piece before answering. "From that North Korean."
"What North Korean?" asked Joe, confused. "There- you mean the one that...?" Recognition dawned on Joe's face.
Tai looked directly at Joe. "The one that croaked."
Mimi and Joe looked at each other, disgusted and horrified.
"You didn't," accused Mimi.
"He was VERY clean," shrugged Tai.
"You must be... loony!" exclaimed Joe. "Now what is this?"
"If you want to join me for breakfast, we can have a stack of pancreas," replied Tai simply.
Tai turned to reach for the ketchup bottle. As he did this, Joe edged over and pulled over Tai's plate of liver. Tai saw him do this, putting down the bottle and standing up in anger.
"You touched my plate! You're not sterile! You've ruined my liver! Ruined it! And we're all out of North Koreans!!!"
Tai grabbed Joe by the shirt collar menacingly. Mimi desperately tried to pull Tai off of Joe. Matt stood up and slapped Tai hard across the face.
Tai staggered back and blinked in shock. "I don't think I needed that."
Matt called over Izzy and told him to take Tai back to their tent. Once there, Izzy was to make Tai take some blue pills. Izzy nodded and grabbed Tai's arm. Tai recoiled.
"Don't touch me." Tai pulled off his rubber gloves and headed towards the exit, throwing Joe a dirty glare. "Filthy liver thief."
Matt looked at Joe. "Well Joe?"
Joe tried to compose himself. "I-I know we've all been working desperately hard but Yagami's always been a rock!"
"Let me take him to Tokyo for some R&R before he cracks up any further," Matt pressed. Joe gave Matt a suspicious look. Matt pounded the table. "Joe, I'm the only one that can handle him!"
Joe looked at Mimi, who nodded. Sighing, he said, "I'll make the arrangements."
Matt smiled. "You know, Yagami was saying this morning what a- what a considerate, intelligent human being you are." With that he left.
Joe turned to Mimi. "He HAS flipped."
* * * * * * * * *
Later that evening, Joe paced back and forth in Mimi's tent. He felt uneasy about sending Tai and Matt to Tokyo.
"I've made my decision," he said. "Why do I feel so uneasy?"
"Because we both know what operators they are," Mimi replied. "How about this? I have a psychiatrist friend in the 423rd evac, Phil Sherman. He's been crazy about me for years." She laughed. "Crazy, isn't that funny?"
"I don't think anyone being crazy about you is funny, Mimi," Joe frowned.
Mimi smiled. "Joe, you're jealous."
"Jealous?!" Joe got down on his knees in front of Mimi. "I envy anyone that comes close to you. I envy the fly that walked across your upper lip. I envy the cotton tips you stick in your ears. I-"
"Joe!" Mimi interrupted. "The point is, Sherman's a brilliant psychiatrist and if anyone can spot a phony... You see where I'm getting at?"
Joe thought it over for a minute. Then he smiled, knowingly.
* * * * * * * * *
Tai and Matt were busy packing up all their things, fondly awaiting their weekend in Tokyo.
"In a few hours I'm gonna be in the arms of some one I haven't even met yet!" smiled Tai.
Matt nodded. "I'll drink to that!" He walked over to the door with is suitcase under his arm. He opened to door to leave, when Izzy came in.
"Uh, Tai?" he asked. Tai came over as Izzy read off his clipboard. "By order of Major Joe Kido, acting commanding officer."
"Oh yeah?" Matt scoffed.
Izzy looked up at Matt then went back to reading. "Captain T. Yagami will make himself available tomorrow morning for an examination by Captain Phillip G. Sherman."
"What kind of examination?" asked Tai.
"Psychiatric," answered Izzy.
"Psychiatric?" repeated Tai. "Well you can just tell your psychiatrist that I'm not gonna be here." He picked up his suitcase.
"Yeah, tell him to start without him," Matt added.
"We're gonna be in a hotel in Tokyo," Tai said, pushing past Izzy and out the door.
Matt followed but they didn't get very far. Two MPs came and ushered them back inside their tent. They threw their bags down on their beds.
"Ah, the bellhops are here," Tai grumbled. "This is a nice room."
"Yeah," sighed Matt. "I, uh, I stay here all the time."
"Well thanks, fellas," Tai said to the MPs. "I'll just slip into something comfortable." Tai crawled into bed as Matt sat down in a chair. The MPs didn't move. Tai turned to Matt. "I think they're waiting for a tip."
* * * * * * * * *
The next day, Dr. Sherman arrived. He stood in the commanding officer's office, holding his bags. Mimi called for Izzy.
"Corporal, take the captain's bags to the visiting officer's tent," Mimi ordered.
"Yes sir," nodded Izzy.
"Ma'am!"
"Sir?" asked Izzy.
Mimi sighed. "Dismissed."
"Yes sir." As soon as Izzy left, Sherman sat down by Mimi.
"It's been a long time," he said quietly.
"San Diego," Mimi nodded.
"I waited for you in the barn till 4AM," Sherman said. "You never came."
"I said I wouldn't," Mimi replied.
"You didn't lie." Sherman smiled at Mimi.
"I think you should see Captain Yagami right away," Mimi said, standing up. Sherman was bothering her. She got up and headed for the door. Sherman ran ahead and held it open for her. Mimi looked at Sherman and used the other door to walk outside.
* * * * * * * * *
Later on, Sherman sat inside The Swamp with Tai. The session had begun but they weren't progressing.
"Captain," Sherman said. Tai looked up. "For me to do my job, I've got to know what's bothering you, if anything. So the sooner you trust me, the sooner I'll be able to help you."
"Oh I trust you," Tai said. "Why wouldn't I trust you?"
"That's a very healthy attitude," Sherman replied.
"Thank you," said Tai.
"You're welcome," Sherman said.
"To be sure."
"Right."
"Wrong."
"I beg your pardon?" asked Sherman.
"Oh I was just associating freely," explained Tai. "I thought you'd expect that."
"Fine," shrugged Sherman.
"And dandy."
"Doctor..."
"Nurse!"
"No, no, no!"
"Yes, yes, yes!"
"No! We're not going to do that," Sherman explained.
"Oh!" Tai nodded. "Well whatever you say."
Sherman sighed. "Yagami..."
"Taichi!" Sherman frowned at Tai. Tai smiled. "Oh, I'm sorry!"
"Listen," sighed Sherman, "we're both professional men. Let's get right to it. What's your problem?"
"I appreciate your forthright approach and I'm gonna level with you," Tai began. "I'm in love."
Sherman smiled. "That's nice, I'm sure. But, uh, that doesn't explain your eradict behavior of late."
Tai sighed deeply. "Well maybe it's because I'm in love and he doesn't even know I exist."
Sherman stared at Tai. "Did you say 'he'?"
"I'm relying on your professional discretion," Tai replied.
"Good," said Sherman. "Who is it?"
"Joe Kido."
"Major Kido?" asked Sherman.
Tai looked at Sherman shyly. "Joe."
Sherman thought for a while before saying, "Tell me about it."
"You don't know what it's been like," moaned Tai. "Living together in the same tent month after month! And having him think of me as just another guy!"
"Go on, please."
Tai sighed. "If only he knew night after night I sleep with his shaving brush under my pillow!" Tai lifted up his pillow revealing a shaving brush lying on the mattress. "I always try to operate at the same table he does. Somehow I feel sharing a casualty brings us closer together."
Sherman nodded. "Of course."
"But he's only got eyes for Mimi," Tai pouted.
"That would be Major Tachikawa?" asked Sherman.
Tai nodded, sitting on the bed next to Sherman. "Did you know she dyes her hair pink at times?"
"Oh?" Sherman seemed surprised.
"Oh yeah!" nodded Tai. "That's why I dyed my hair brown. I think Joe should have a clear choice."
Sherman looked a little uncomfortable but never the less, urged Tai to continue. He pulled out a pen and a pad of paper.
"Do you think a girl should throw herself at him like that?" asked Tai. "I mean I realize that I'm only a captain and he's a major but after all, fair is fair. You know what I mean?" Tai moved closer to Sherman who edged away nervously. "Don't you agree?"
* * * * * * * * *
In the meantime, Blake had arrived back from his vacation. He stood in his office trying to piece back together a figurine that had broken. Izzy meanwhile, was putting all Blake's things away.
"Anything new develop while I was gone, Izzy?" asked Blake.
"Oh nothing much, sir," answered Izzy.
"Good," said Blake.
Izzy shrugged. "Just all of a sudden Captain Yagami went bananas and they had to call in a psychiatrist."
Blake stopped what he was doing. "They what?"
"There's a rumor going around that he might be shipped off to the laughing academy," Izzy continued.
Blake sighed. "Oh he's beautiful. You tell Captain Sherman he's to report to my office as soon as possible."
At the same time Izzy spoke, "I'll tell Captain Sherman to see you as soon as he's available."
* * * * * * * * *
Blake called a meeting in his office. He lead inside Joe and Mimi to where Sherman was waiting. Mimi, Joe, and Sherman immediately saluted each other.
"Captain Sherman, do you know-" Blake stopped speaking as he noticed the others standing at attention. He saluted, causing them to fall at ease. "Captain Sherman, do you know Major Tachikawa, Major Kido."
Sherman smiled at Mimi. "Major."
"Captain," Mimi replied.
"Captain," greeted Joe, rather coldly.
Sherman turned towards Joe as if just noticing his presence. "Major."
"Well sit down, sit down," ushered Blake, pointing to the chairs in front of his desk.
Sherman helped Mimi into a chair. Joe went to sit next to her, but Sherman was faster, swiftly taking his seat. Frowning, Joe stood back.
"The Captain here thinks that Yagami is a candidate for the funny farm," began Blake. "Now we all know what a practical joker he is, so Joe, uh, why don't you tell us about the time that uh, when you were asleep Yagami tied your big toes to the bed post and yelled 'fire'."
"Oh I'd rather not, sir," replied Joe, blushing with embarrassment.
"Well then, um, tell him about the time he sedated you, and then set both your arms and legs in plaster and then hung you from the ceiling with traction ropes!" Blake began to laugh. He was the only one, so he continued.
"And how when you came to you thought you had four broken limbs! And then Yagami came in, you see and cut him down. Joe, I tell you I will NEVER forget the terror in your eyes, that look just before you hit the bed!" Blake laughed even harder. "Do you remember that one, Joe?"
"I don't think I'll EVER forget it, sir," mumbled Joe.
"We certainly won't," agreed Mimi with bitterness.
"Yagami did that?" asked Sherman.
"Yeah!" laughed Blake.
"Yes!" Joe had seemed to recover from embarrassment and was livid. "And I don't think a man like that should get those three days of R&R!"
"Neither do I," nodded Mimi.
"I agree," Sherman said. "Colonel, I'm taking him with me to Tokyo tomorrow."
Blake stopped laughing. "You're gonna what?"
"I think Yagami can use a few weeks of observation," explained Sherman.
"Well wait a minute!" protested Blake. "I mean what if I never get him back?"
"We'll do the best we can," assured Sherman.
"This is the army!" cried Blake. He couldn't lose his best surgeon for a little joke. "Nobody can do the best they can! Now Joe, just tell him how wrong he is. That, uh, Yagami is just pulling a fast one. Or we're gonna lose him, they're gonna take him away!"
Joe said nothing. He and Mimi looked at Blake with amused expressions. Blake wasn't gonna give up, there was no way he was losing Yagami!
"Tell him, Joe!" pleaded Blake. "Joe! Tell him!" Joe said nothing, so Blake turned to Mimi. "Major Tachikawa, you tell him."
"You mean poor Tai?" asked Mimi.
Blake was confused. "What 'poor Tai'?"
Mimi smiled devilishly. "Poor, sick Tai?"
"Sick, sick, sick," sighed Joe.
* * * * * * * * *
When Tai received the news he was completely shocked.
"What do you mean observation?" he asked Sherman, later that day. "The only thing I want to observe in Tokyo is what a good time I'm having."
"You need tests," answered Sherman.
"Oh come on!" protested Tai. "You know I was only putting you on about Joe Kido!"
"Of course," nodded Sherman. "But you HAVE done some pretty bizarre things."
"Gee, I can't imagine why," Tai said sarcastically. "I'm twelve thousand miles away from home, sewing together soldiers who aren't old enough to shave, while a bunch of people I don't know keep dropping bombs on the building where I work which has a big red cross painted on the roof! Maybe I should just hire a band and have the whole thing catered!"
"Easy, Captain," coaxed Sherman. "We'll be leaving in the morning. That's an order." Sherman turned to leave, but Tai wasn't finished yet.
"Hey, didn't- didn't anything ever get you, Captain?" he asked. "Any situation that was thrown upon you that you didn't come out smelling like a... well adjusted rose?"
"Not much chance of that, Captain," replied Sherman. "My sense of reality is my gyroscope. Whatever the situation, it keeps me on course."
"You're a lucky man," said Tai. Then he added, "I'm speaking in the past tense."
"Just relax," Sherman coaxed. With that, he left The Swamp, leaving Tai alone to his thoughts.
So Captain Sherman had no troubles with the war or anything at all. He never went the slightest bit crazy over something...or someone... That's when the idea hit Tai. He'd show Sherman that all people had their episodes of insanity. If Tai was going to Tokyo, it was only to meet the ladies.
He looked out the open door and saw Izzy walking by on his way to the showers. Just what Tai needed... He called over Izzy and ushered him inside.
"What's up?" Izzy asked wearily. He knew whenever either Tai or Matt called him over, it wasn't for casual talk.
"A mission you just volunteered for," replied a grinning Tai.
"Um, I was just on my way to the shower," said Izzy, trying to think up a good enough excuse.
"Well, you waited this long," shrugged Tai, leading Izzy away where he explained his idea.
* * * * * * * * *
At lunch time, Izzy sat down in the Mess tent with his bowl of soup across the table from Sherman. Sherman didn't notice him, he was to busy gazing dreamily over at Mimi who was seated at the table behind them.
"Do you mind if I sit here, sir?" asked Izzy quietly.
"No, not at all, Corporal," smiled Sherman, turning away from Mimi.
"Thank you, that's very kind of you," thanked Izzy. He began to eat his soup.
Izzy looked up past Sherman over at Mimi's table. He pointed to himself then shook his head. In question he pointed across the table at Sherman. Sherman looked up at Izzy and then turned around. Mimi was talking to the nurse sitting beside her.
"Would you like some soup, sir?" Izzy asked, looking at the cup of coffee Sherman held.
"No, no thanks," answered Sherman, turning back around. Izzy repeated the same guestures again. Sherman turned around, Mimi was still talking to that same nurse. He turned to face Izzy again. "Why do you keep doing that?"
"It's Major Tachikawa, sir," replied Izzy. "She keeps looking over here and then when you look over she turns away."
Sherman seemed excited. "Really? Major Tachikawa?" He quickly turned around. Mimi was talking to the nurse.
"Does that surprise you, sir?" Izzy asked innocently. "Just this afternoon I heard her in the women's shower saying what a great person you are."
"What were you doing in the women's shower?" asked Sherman suspiciously.
Izzy blushed. "Actually, I was on the outside fixing a hole in the tent."
"I'm sure she was talking about somebody else," sighed Sherman. Izzy shrugged and went back to eating. It wasn't long before Sherman asked, "What did she say?"
* * * * * * * * *
The plan was hatched later that night. In the darkness Matt snuck up to Mimi's tent. Quietly and carefully he changed the door sign from "Maj. M. Tachikawa" to "Visiting Officer's Qtrs." Matt looked around. The coast was clear. He then casually walked away.
Soon after he had left, Izzy came walking towards the tent with Sherman. They were indulged in conversation.
"Well thank you very much for your advice, sir," Izzy was saying. "I'll be sure to send home for that book by Sgt. Freud."
"That's Sigmond Freud," corrected Sherman.
"Oh, yes sir," nodded Izzy.
Sherman entered his tent, telling Izzy good night. But when he tried the light, he discovered it to be burnt out.
"Uh, there's no light," he said.
"Is that so, sir?" Izzy looked inside the tent. "Oh, it must be a burnt out bulb. I could scrape another one up for you."
"Unnecessary!" dismissed Sherman. "My profession is helping people find their way in the dark!"
Izzy laughed. "Oh yes sir! Very good sir!" Sherman closed the door. Izzy rolled his eyes and quickly walked away.
As soon as Izzy was gone, Matt came back, replacing the signs again. He then snuck away, just as Mimi was coming back to her tent. She entered her tent, noticing the light had burnt out. Muttering under her breath, she began to change into her night gown.
Sherman rolled over from the bed in which he was sleeping and saw Mimi's silhouette. A grin split his face. "It's true. It's true!" He got up and ran over to help Mimi with her night gown. "Here, let me do that."
Mimi screamed in surprise and fear. Meanwhile, outside, Tai and Matt were listening through the door while Izzy reconnected the electrical wires. Now the "burnt out bulb" would work. Matt ran inside Mimi's tent, flipping on the light. When he saw that Sherman had Mimi on the bed and was smothering her with kisses, he wore an expression of complete shock.
"Oh pardon me," he apologized. "I thought I heard some one yell for help." He nodded. "Carry on." With that he left the tent, going back outside to where a crowd had begun to gather.
"Carry on, hell!" Mimi shrieked. "I DID yell for help! Help! Help! HELP!!!"
Joe had come when he heard all the screaming and was shocked to find it coming from Mimi's tent. Smiling and saluting, Matt and Tai held open the door for Joe to rush inside. Tai and Matt followed.
"CAPTAIN SHERMAN!!!" gasped Joe in horror. "MIMI!!!"
Mimi ran over to Joe, and hugged him. "It's not me! I wouldn't have anything to do with this pervert!"
"This is all a horrible mistake!" cried Sherman, beginning to dress. "I've been victimized!"
"Is that what you call it?!" screamed Mimi. "Waiting in the dark to spring on an innocent young girl!"
Mimi and Sherman began shouting at each other. Blake then arrived.
"What in Sam's hell is going on in here?!" bellowed Blake. he had obviously been trying to sleep.
"She wanted me!" stuttered Sherman. "I mean, I thought she wanted me! I'm a very controlled person!"
"Of course you are," nodded Tai. "You're just having a little gyroscope trouble."
"A little trouble with your what?" asked Blake.
"Colonel, can I get out of here?" asked Sherman.
"First thing in the morning," answered Blake.
That wasn't soon enough for Sherman. "What about now?"
"Even better!" exclaimed Tai.
"Right," sighed Blake. He lead the way out of the tent. Matt and Tai followed with Sherman.
"I'll, uh, pack you some bananas," Matt offered Sherman.
"And I'll get you some crackers and nuts," added Tai.
Sherman turned to Mimi, saying goodbye. Mimi shrieked and lunged at him. Thankfully Joe was there to hold her back.
* * * * * * * * *
At long last, Tai and Matt were on their way to Tokyo. They came out of The Swamp over to the waiting jeep and threw their bags into the back before climbing in.
"Oh driver!" Tai called. "Yohoo! Driver!"
The driver arrived and climbed into the driver's seat. Blake came over, holding their vacation tickets.
"Well here you go, men," he said, handing them both the tickets. "One full week of R&R."
"Well if I say so myself, we earned them," Matt said.
"Yes indeedy," agreed Tai.
"Now don't forget the deal," warned Blake.
"Listen, if you need us we're only a phone call away," assured Tai.
It was then that Izzy jumped up from where he was reading a book. His senses were at it again. "Choppers. Here they come!"
Moments later, the sound of distant helicopters could be heard and the PA system blared the announcement. "Attention all personnel. Incoming casualties! Report immediately to the admitting ward and operating room. On the double!"
Blake left. Tai and Matt looked at each other and sighed. Reluctantly, they climbed out of the jeep, picking up their bags.
Tai turned to the driver. "Do me a favour and keep the motor running until the war is over."
"And don't stop the meter," Matt added.
The two of them tossed their suitcases back into The Swamp and slowly trudged towards the OR. Blake was waiting for them, his hands held out. Reluctantly, Tai and Matt each handed in their leave papers before heading into surgery. They were in for another long stretch of work, with no relaxation or pretty Japanese girls in sight.
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So what do you think of my first episode? It's not really the first one but the earliest episode I had that I could find. Feedback is really appreciated and I really want to know if you want me to do more. If no one likes this then I certainly won't continue because it's VERY time consuming. Also, if anyone knows where I could find some M*A*S*H scripts(not the movie, the television series) could you let me know? It would make writing this a whole lot easier. Leave them in a review or email them to me. Thank you!