The Fanny Menace
By: Sierra (SWFreak061284) and Tiarra (Sie and Ti)
Official Disclaimer: We do not own any of these characters. We are just borrowing them and promise to return them unharmed and unaltered in any way. We also don't own any of the songs, lines, quotes, movie characters, attorneys ...so on that we borrowed.
Warning: This script has basically everything in it except the plot. PG-13 for language, violence, suggestive situations, scantly dressed sith lords, and over-whelming number of unnecessary characters.
*May contain a few errors so chill*
A long, long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away...
There was turmoil, and there was a planet, yadda, yadda...etc...blah, blah...you know the drill...
[Scene starts off with a ship. Gee, imagine that! Inside the ship is two pilots (one of which is thought to be gay) and two "ambassadors" dressed in heavy cloaks.]
Gay pilot: The "ambassadors" wish to board at once.
Viceroy: Yes, we would be happy to kil--err I mean receive them.
[Scene cuts to the two Jedi entering an empty room with a really long table in it.]
Obi-Wan: I have a bad feeling about this.
Qui-Gon: Your just paranoid, Obi-Wan.
Obi-Wan: Master Yoda says I should be mindful of the future.
Qui-Gon: No one ever listens to Yoda.
Obi-Wan: Is it just me or is it a bit drafty in here?
Qui-Gon: Didn't you wear anything under you cloak?
[Obi-Wan looks down a bit then looks at Qui-Gon]
Obi-Wan: We were suppose to wear something under our cloaks?
Qui-Gon: Yeeeeessss....
[Obi-Wan exits then returns wearing a kilt]
Qui-Gon: Well that's a little better. (pauses) How do you think this Viceroy will handle the demands?
Obi-Wan (bluntly): They'll probably try to kill us.
Qui-Gon: Oh come on they have more honor than that.
Obi-Wan: No really they will probably try to kill us.
[Before the scene ends, a boy dressed in ragged clothes enters with a grin on his face.]
Anakin: Is it my scene?
Both Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan: Not yet.
[ Anakin exits, and scene cuts to bridge of ship]
Droid: I think they're Jedi.
Viceroy: Jedi!? We're screwed.
Other Viceroy: Lets be optimistic about this.
Viceroy (cheerfully): We're screwed!!
[Both turn to face a holo of a dark figure who happens to look a lot like the Emperor and has the knowledge of Palpatine]
[Authors note: We're not trying to imply that Sidious and Palpatine are the same person, but we are.]
Dark figure (Sid): Kill'em.
Viceroy: How?
Sid: Place them in an easily escapable situation involving an overly elaborate and exotic death.
Viceroy: Why not send the battle droids in to blast them?
Sid: Too easy.
Viceroy: Well, we could add some unnecessary smoke, used only to establish the fact that they can hold there breath for a really long time.
Sid: Well, it works. (fades out)
[Scene cuts to the hanger, and the gay pilot dies when they blow up the ship. Scene goes to the Jedi who now have there sabers ignited. Smoke comes up from the vents]
Obi-Wan: Told you so!
Qui-Gon: Hold your breath!
[Scene cuts to droids on the other side of the door. Door opens and the protocol droid emerges. This was only necessary to add suspense. The Jedi come swinging out and kick the crap droids' butts. Obi-Wan guards Qui-Gon's back while Qui-Gon stabs the door proving that a saber can cut through anything. Meanwhile, two rolly droids with shield generators (as Obi-Wan pointed out) come out, and the Jedi realize they can't win, so they run like hell. They drop down about fifty feet from the shaft and see a ton of battle droids lined up.]
Obi-Wan: Ouch! I think I broke my ankle!!
Qui-Gon: Oh walk it off. (sees the droids) Battle droids?
Obi-Wan (sarcastically): Nah, I thought it was a parade. (hums "I love a Parade")
Qui-Gon: Knock it off, Obi-Wan. (pauses) Lets stow away on separate ship getting us unnecessarily separated.
[Scene cuts to the bridge and in a transmission an overly elaborate dressed woman appears ticked at the Viceroy. The Viceroy lie through their teeth (of course not fooling anyone). Scene cuts to Queen Amidala's throne room where a fuzzy transmission of Palpatine begins to disappear.]
Palpy: Transmission fading....hope.....the.....Jedi.....are.....dead.....is...this....thing....still....on....(transmission fades out completely).
Queen: Senator Palpy! I need you; I can't make decisions on my own.
[They talk for a while coming to the conclusion that they do not know what's going on. Scene cuts to a bunch of ships landing on Naboo as dramatic music plays. Scene cuts to our noble Jedi Master running for his life, again. He stumbles (literally) into a strange creature who almost kills him. They slam into the mud, and Qui-Gon begins to look for a missing padawan.]
Creature: s;diry seilur ;oiaesb f.dx You saved me.
Qui-Gon: Huh?
Sie and Ti: Read the translations, moron!
Qui-Gon (reads): Oh! Yeah so?
Creature: jwheip;uwyre sfjk lwueyr luhda ,mansheuiyr I'm Jar Jar Binks, I'm an annoying stereotype to bother you, mess up your plans and just get in the way. I owe you a life debt
Qui-Gon: Riiiiiiight...the life debt thing isn't necessary.
[Scene cuts to our other noble Jedi now running for his life while being shot at by droids. Qui-Gon pulls out his saber and takes care of the droids while Jar Jar dives to the ground.]
[Authors note: If you are wondering why Obi-Wan doesn't have his saber, we are about to explain]
Qui-Gon (pointing out the obvious): Where's your lightsaber?
Obi-Wan: I fried it......again.....
Qui-Gon: Way to go.
[Obi-Wan notices Jar Jar and jumps back in a bit of shock]
Obi-Wan: What the bloody blazes is this?
Qui-Gon: Don't ask.
[The Jedi start to walk off with a babbling Jar Jar following. They don't pay any attention to him until the word "city" is brought up. They stop and turn to look at Jar Jar.]
Qui-Gon: City?
Obi-Wan: You caught that?
Qui-Gon: Read the translations, Obi-Wan.
Obi-Wan: Oh.
[Jar Jar goes into a long speech of why he can't go there or certainly bring them there as well just as a boy walks back to the stage.]
Anakin: Is it my scene yet?
Both Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan (annoyed): No!
[Anakin sulks off, and the story resumes]
Jar Jar: kajshrypfe fcj'hsi Terrible things will happen to me if I go back.
[Noise is heard in the distance.]
Qui-Gon: Do you hear that?
Jar Jar: Yeah.
Qui-Gon (reading straight from the script): That is the sound of a thousand terrible thongs coming this way.
[Qui-Gon gives a funny look, Jar Jar looks blank, and Obi-Wan raises an eyebrow.]
Obi-Wan: Are there women in these thongs?
Sie: Guys, guys cool it. This is a typo.
Ti: The word is "things" not "thongs".
Both Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan: Oh.
Sie and Ti: Ok from the top!
[Authors note: This really was the result of a typo.]
Qui-Gon: That is the sound of a thousand terrible THINGS coming this way.
Obi-Wan: If they find us, they will crush us, grind us into tiny pieces and BLAST us into an oblivion. (over emphasizing last part and grins evilly)
[Jar Jar gives in and takes them to a lake. Qui-Gon takes out his small breather thingy, and Obi-Wan begins to strip off his clothes while Qui-Gon gives him a funny look.]
Qui-Gon: What the hell are you doing, Obi-Wan?
Obi-Wan: We're not actually going to swim in our cloak are we?
Qui-Gon: YES!
Obi-Wan: Oh.
[Obi-Wan puts his clothes back on and takes out his breather thingy. Jar Jar dives in making an elaborate splash; the Jedi wade in and swim to Otha Gunga. They enter a big bubble through a mushy membrane. Obi-Wan sticks his hand back through it again....and again....and again...]
Sie: 'Thingy', is that a technical term?
Ti: Shut up.
Obi-Wan: In.......out......in.....out....
Qui-Gon: Knock it off!
[They walk in to see the other creatures backing away from Jar Jar. Jar Jar is greeted warmly (hint of sarcasism) by a Gungan who tries to shock the fire out of him. After the exchange of diplomacy between the Jedi and Boss Nass, they were given permission (with a bit of persuasion by Qui-Gon) to take a bongo.]
Obi-Wan: Master, what's a bongo?
Qui-Gon: I'm not sure, but I think it's a type of drum.
[Qui-Gon looks at Jar Jar who gives him a sad look. Obi-Wan sees this and pulls up his sleeve to reveal a watch.]
Obi-Wan: Master, we're short on time.
Qui-Gon: Can I keep him?
Obi-Wan: No, really we're short on time (shows him the watch).
[Qui-Gon frees Jar Jar (against Obi's wishes) and they head out with Obi-Wan steering the bongo (which is actually a transport). Inside the bongo, Jar Jar tries to tell Obi-Wan a story.]
Jar Jar: kjdsh;iu vyuse;this.dfsnbx.bcnis saukuklskulesjusturyluyexznbmj,dstyping giu esdjkfds iwhyue mdsn.marenn ejkhfyoueiu6wq;i ereadingw.jhfdso;iyewit?urewjkrew.fhjsa;ilsaffmanb.sk fsadugdwamnba hgfuifay fauhe;liytghfgyuh...It's a very complicated story that doesn't make sense even if you read the caption!
[Obi-Wan gives up on the conversation and puts a CD on that plays "Danger Zone". Suddenly out of the blue a huge fish (one that couldn't possibly be missed) comes after our heroes without there notice. The fish takes a big chunk out of the bongo then is eaten by a bigger fish where we hear Qui-Gon's famous philosophical phrase.]
Qui-Gon: There's always a bigger fish.
Obi-Wan: No friggin' duh!
[Obi-Wan again states the obvious as the lights flicker]
Obi-Wan: We're losing power.
[Obi-Wan precedes to hot wire the bongo while Jar Jar on the other hand is being very optimistic.]
Jar Jar: yhauipwcype uirewyuieyr u We're doom-ed!
[ Sparks fly as Obi-Wan shocks himself]
Obi-Wan: Shit!!!!
Qui-Gon: No need for that kind of language.
Obi-Wan: Oh shut the bloody hell up!
Ti: Ok, Ok enough. We're trying to keep this at a PG-13 script.
Obi-Wan: Too late for that!
Sie: Watch your mouth, or you'll find yourself swimming home.
Obi-Wan: Power's back.
[Lights come back to show a really, really big fish. Jar Jar freaks, and Obi-Wan maneuvers them out of there. Qui-Gon points to a cave.]
Qui-Gon: Head there.
Obi-Wan: Whose driving here? Huh? Do you want to drive? Here! (removes steering wheel and hands it to Qui-Gon who is speechless).
[They make it. Scene cuts to the droid army and a distressed queen. Then to the palace where the 'queen' is chatting with the Viceroy. She wears a huge headdress made of long, black feathers.]
Viceroy: Sign the treaty or we'll....we'll (looks around) snip your feathers.
Handmaiden in back (Padme): NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
[They turn to look at her then back to the queen.]
Queen: No.
[They lead her to an open street where they can be ambushed. Scene moves to Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan on bridge above the street.]
Obi-Wan: Aren't we gonna jump?
Qui-Gon: We wait.
Obi-Wan: If we wait, we'll jump right on top of them!
Qui-Gon: Just wait!
[They wait. They jump, and Obi-Wan lands right on top of the queen and knocks her to the ground while Qui-Gon fights the droids. Obi-Wan takes his sweet little time getting off her and mentions.]
Obi-Wan: Was it good for you, too?
[The queen, disgusted, knees him in the stomach and backhands him square in the face. He gets up with Jedi speed and goes to Qui-Gon.]
Obi-Wan (in pain, croaks out): I told you so.
Guard (to Jedi): Who are you?
Both Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan (looking at camera and flashing a smile): We're Jedi. It's our job to put our sabers in your business.
[After some debate, discussion...whatever they decided, convinced and persuaded the queen and her 'handmaiden' to go Coruscant. The Jedi strut in, do their thing, and blast off in the ship where the precede to the blockade. They get shot at, and they get hit, so they send out droids.
Obi-Wan (stating the obvious, again): We're losing droids fast.
Qui-Gon (sarcastically): Thank you.
[The last remaining droid, which happens to be R2-D2, fixes the shield generator and saves everyone's butt.]
Pilot (stating the obvious): Power's back.
Qui-Gon (sarcastically): Thank you.
[As if things weren't bad enough, they discover that the hyper drive is leaking. Obi-Wan gets on the computer thingy and finds the "nearest" planet, Tatooine (although it's really not that close because it's in the outer rim territory). Panaka does not agree with this, but he's just a arse-hole anyway. Scene cuts to Viceroys aboard the Trade Federation ship talking to a holo of Sidious aka Palpatine ...not that we're implying....]
Viceroy: We can't find them.
Sid: My apprentice Maul will find them...Maul? Maul?
[Maul appears without his Sith makeup, slightly rumpled clothes, and with a girl hanging off of him named Maligna]
[Author's Note: You need to read X-Mania to understand where the girl came from. Maligna we loved that story BTW and please don't take offence]
Sid: Maul, where is your make-up and tunic ? Oh never mind, just go.
[Scene cuts to the queen's ship speeding through space. On board the passengers have a few choice words with each other. Panaka says droid saved them, blah blah blah. 'Queen' tells 'Padme' to clean the droid , but for some strange reason she stands there to listen to the conversation.]
Qui-Gon: We're going to Tatooine. How do you go with that ?
Panaka: This is a bad idea, your highness.
[While this endless debate continues, everyone seems to be drawn into this conversations except for Obi-Wan and Padme, who make flirtatious motions back and forth behind Qui-Gon's back.
Qui-Gon (interrupting the debate, turns to Obi-Wan): Obi-Wan, what the mess are you doing ?
Obi-Wan (innocently placing his hand behind his neck): Nothing.
[The debate comes to an end when the Queen (with the help of her 'handmaiden') decides that they will go to Tatooine after all. Then , moments later, Qui-Gon (looking for his once again missing Padawan) knocks on a store room door. Obi-Wan emerges rumpled clothes, lipstick on his face ,with Padme who steps out, glances briefly at the Jedi, and walks away quickly.]
[Authors Note: We're not trying to imply that the Queen will later have an affair with Obi-Wan while she's married to Anakin and that may be the reason he turned to the dark side, and Obi-Wan may actually be Luke and Leia's father, but .......we are !]
Obi-Wan (nervously): This is quite awkward, but I can explain.
Qui-Gon: No time for that now. I'm going to Tatooine to get a new hyper-drive generator. You stay here on the ship and notify me of any transmissions. Oh yeah, I'm taking the handmaiden with me.
Obi-Wan: Master, there's something you should know about the handma---
Qui-Gon (interrupts him): I don't care to know about your personal life, Obi-Wan.
Obi-Wan: That's not what I was going to say.
[ Qui-Gon leaves for the planet along with annoying Jar Jar, R2, and the handmaiden, Padme (who Obi-Wan so graciously met earlier). They wander around for a bit and stumble into Watto's shop. A strange flying creature (Watto) comes up to Qui-Gon speaking in a foreign language, but surprisingly Qui-Gon understands what the creature is saying]
Qui-Gon (thinking out loud): That has got to be the ugliest flying creature I have ever seen in my life !! (pauses).....Did I say that out loud ? Why is it that I have no inner monologue ?
Sie & Ti: We're working on it !!!!!!
Qui-Gon: Do you have parts for a ship ?
Watto: What kind of ship ?
Qui-Gon: A flying one.
Watto (rolls his eyes): What kind of flying ship?
Qui-Gon: A shiny one.
[After a long drawn out conversation, they finally establish what type of ship it is, and suddenly Anakin appears......... (pause).......we said Anakin suddenly appears......]
Anakin (from off-sage): Is it my turn yet ?
Sie & Ti: YES!!!!!!
[Anakin finally appears in dark armor, future Vader mask, and a dark cloak]
Sie: Anakin, what are you doing?!
TI: Go change into your costume......you're right costume!!!
[Anakin changes and Sie and Ti exit]
Watto (to Qui-Gon): I'll show ya what we have. [They exit to the back]
Anakin: Are you an angel?
Padme: No.
Anakin: Are you the devil?
Padme: No!
Anakin (ponders): What are you?
Padme: I'm a girl. What are you?
Anakin: I'm a slave.
Padme: Awwwwww...that's terrible.
Anakin: No not really...I'm a nosy, little boy who likes to ask personal questions and brag about how good I am at flying.
Padme: Oh, I'm the queen dressed up like the handmaiden.
Anakin (with interest): Really?
Padme: No, not really, I can't back that up.
[Scene cuts to Watto and Qui-Gon in the back searching for ship parts.]
Watto: Found the part! That will be 20,000.
Qui-Gon: What a rip off! 20,000 republic credits for that p.o.s!
Watto: Credits? We don't take credits.
Qui-Gon (using the mind trick): Credits will do fine.
Watto: Uhhhh...NO!
Qui-Gon (once again): Yes, they will.
Watto: No!
Qui-Gon: Yes!
Watto: Yes!
Qui-Gon: No.....ahh...dang it!
Watto: Glad you see my point.
[Qui-Gon rounds up his possy and exits. Scene cuts to Obi-Wan in ship taking to Qui-Gon over a comlink.]
Qui-Gon: And, you're sure there's nothing left on board?
Obi-Wan: We could sell the Queen's wardrobe, maybe. Hey, we could get rid of the handmaiden's clothes, too.
Qui-Gon: I thought that you had already accomplished that, Obi-Wan.
Padme: Yeah, he's was good at it, too!
[Qui-Gon gives Padme a weird look, and Obi-Wan blushes.]
Obi-Wan: That's not funny. I was being serious! .....We could sell Jar-Jar. I hear that Gungan skins go for a lot around here.
[Jar-Jar starts freaking out, and Qui-Gon gets 'The Look' on his face (of course this is useless because Obi-Wan can't even see him).]
Qui-Gon: Obi-Wan Kenobi!!!!!! I can't believe you would suggest such a thing! We'll think of something else..........Jar-Jar, how are you with manual labor?
[Scene cuts back to Qui-Gon where he closes the link. They began to walk through the market place where Jar Jar, as usual, gets into trouble. Anakin saves him and follows our heroes. They stop at a store where Qui-Gon reveals his saber on accident only to try to prove later that he's not a Jedi (ok...riiight that'll work!) Scene cuts to Obi-Wan and Panaka outside the ship.]
Panaka: Receiving a message!
Obi-Wan (heading to the city): I must tell Qui-Gon!
[Scene cuts to Anakin brings some strangers to his home without his mother's consent.]
Anakin: Mom, I'm home! I brought a bunch of strangers, so you can cook for them and let them sleep in our house
Shmi: Anakin, you know how I don't like you to bring unexpected guest to our house...they'll discover our illegal drug smuggling operation.
[Anakin proceeds to drag Padme, without her permission, to his bedroom to show her his droid. (literally) Shmi and Qui-Gon are left alone.]
Qui-Gon: So, you live alone......I mean besides your son.
Shmi: Yes.
[Both look at each other then scene quickly cuts back to Anakin and Padme.]
Anakin: Let me show you my annoying droid.
[He turns C-3PO on, only to discover that one of his eyes is missing.]
C3PO: Oh no, I've been shot!!!!......wrong movie. Ooops I did it again!!
Anakin: He's a protocol droid.
Padme (trying to sound enthusiastic): He's......perfect.....I think.
[Threepio meets R2 (who we did not mention was also in the room) points out that he's "naked" by droid standards. Scene cuts to a dark part of Coruscant where two dark cloaked figures stand atop a balcony.]
Maul: I only say one dang line in this movie! Wait a minute....I just said something...coool..
Sid: Focus Maul; nail the Jedi and get the queen.
Maul: Ok.
[Scene cuts to Anakin and Padme look for a missing master and his mom. After a search they knock on the closet door to see Qui-Gon and Shmi exit the closet with rumpled clothes, hint hint. Out of nowhere Obi-Wan struts in, smiles and gives Qui-Gon a thumbs up]
Obi-Wan: You go, Master. That's like something I would do.......oh yeah, I already did!!
[At this point he receives a jab in the stomach from Padme. He exits. The rest go to dinner where Anakin asked a bunch of nosy and stupid question (example, the Jedi thing with Qui-Gon, pod racing and slavery). They come to the conclusion that they will enter Anakin in the race. Scene cuts Qui-Gon entering Watto's shop.]
Watto: So I hear you want to enter the boy in the race.
Qui-Gon: Yeah that covers it.
[At this moment Obi-Wan bursts in the shop]
Obi-Wan: Master, Master! We've received a transmission from Naboo. The Queen doesn't know what to do!!
Qui-Gon (in Pig Latin): Exnay on the eenque Obi-Way.
Obi-Wan: What?!
Qui-Gon: That's Pig Latin for you're blowing our cover, you idiot!
Obi-Wan: Well I've been searching for you day and night!
Qui-Gon: I just saw you last night.
Obi-Wan: Oh..... This dang script doesn't make any sense.
Sie and Ti (as one person again): It's not supposed to, Obi-Wan. It's a spoof.
Qui-Gon: Well since you've already blown our cover, Obi-Wan what's the message?
[Obi-Wan opens his mouth as to speak, then closes it ]
Obi-Wan: I forgot......wait...I never saw it.
Qui-Gon (annoyed): Let me get this straight. You receive a message, don't stay around to see it but run to the city to find me, stroll in, comment on my personal life, and run off again. Then barge in here to tell me that you received a message but don't know what it is?!
Obi-Wan: Yes, that about sums it up.
Qui-Gon (with his hand on the butt of his saber, very annoyed): Obi-Wan, just , just leave.
[Obi-Wan exits with Jedi speed.]
Anakin (who happened to be standing there the whole time): Who was that?
Qui-Gon (using Jedi Mind Trick): Never mind. (to Watto) So is it a deal?
Watto (very stunned and confused): Yeah it's a deal.
[Scene cuts to Obi-Wan on the coml-ink talking to Qui-Gon again]
Obi-Wan: WHAT!! That's your plan?!!!
Qui-Gon: Yeah. What do you think?
Obi-Wan: I think it sucks! Do you have any idea how long we could be stuck here if it fails? This is the stupidest plan you have ever had!! And there's been a lot. The Queen's never going to approve!
Qui-Gon: The Queen isn't going to know.
Obi-Wan: Oh trust me she knows. I'm willing to bet money on it!
Qui-Gon: Obi-Wan, you know it's wrong to gamble!
[Obi-Wan just ends the transmission without saying anything. Scene cuts back to Anakin's home as Qui-Gon and Shmi enter.]
Qui-Gon: Special kid you have there.
Shmi: Yeah
Qui-Gon: The Force is unusually strong with him. Who is his father?
Shmi: There was no father
Qui-Gon (smiles with emphasis): Really!!
Shmi: Can you help him?
Qui-Gon: No, but I can help you.
[Scene cuts to Anakin working on his pod where a bunch of kids come up and make fun of him (Kids can be so cruel), Jar-Jar gets the crap shocked out of him. Anakin gets his pod to work, and everyone's happy. Scene cuts once more to a night shot with Ani and Qui-Gon. Qui-Gon cleans a cut while Ani babbles about space.]
Anakin: There's so many . Has anyone been to them all?
Qui-Gon: Not likely.
Anakin: I'm going to be the first to see'em all.
[Yeah and blow up a few]
[After being repeatedly called to bed by his mother, finally gives in and exits to his room. Meanwhile, Qui-Gon picks up a razor that strangely resembles a com-link and attempts to call Obi-Wan]
Qui-Gon: You know, Obi-Wan, I've been with this boy for a few days now, and I've noticed a few things about him. First of all, according to his mother, he has no father, but he's extremely strong in the force, that much is clear . He could be the Chosen One. Don't say anything Obi-Wan, I know what you're thinking. It sounds crazy, but it's the only explanation I can think of. I know how you hate me dragging people along with us, but I really think he should be tested by the council. I have a blood sample of his, and I want you to run it through the computer.
[Obi-Wan's voice breaks in over the actual com-link sitting beside Qui-Gon]
Obi-Wan: Master, Master? Are you there?
Qui-Gon: What?
Obi-Wan: Have you been talking in your razor again?
[Qui tosses razor aside and picks up actual com-link]
Qui-Gon: Did you hear anything I just said?
Obi-Wan: No.
Qui-Gon (frustrated): Ahhhh!!!
[Qui repeats his long , lengthy speech (but not without Obi-Wan having a few choice words). In the end Obi-Wan runs Anakin's blood sample]
Obi-Wan: He has more midichlorians than Master Yoda. What does that mean?
Qui-Gon: It means he has more midichlorians than Master Yoda.
[Scene cuts to Maul's ship landing on Tatooine. He steps out. ]
Maul: Where are my probe droids?
Darth Maligna (coming out of ship): Here they are.
[Maul sends droids away ]
Maligna: So what do we do now?
Maul: I have a back compartment on the ship.
Maligna: OK
[They exit. What they do is up to your imagination. Scene cuts to pod race hanger with Qui talking to Watto.]
Qui-Gon: I'll bet you my racer for the boy and his mother. Preferably his mother.
[Obi-Wan ,again, strolls in]
Obi-Wan: Master, you know you shouldn't be gambling.
Qui-Gon: Where the heck did you come from? Get back to the ship!
Obi-Wan: I don't want to go back to the bloody ship! I've been in the ship during this whole movie!
[Obi-Wan remains for a moment to see a dark figure stroll in]
Maul (dark figure): Hey have you guys seen my ship?
Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon: No.
[Maul exits]
Obi-Wan: Master, who was that?
[Before Qui can answer, another darkly dressed girl strolls in]
Obi-Wan (with a questionable look on his face): Does that mean that other guy was a cross dresser?
Ti: No, Obi-Wan, it just means I can't type straight...
Sie: ....people.
Ti: Oh shut-up!
Sie: What? You're the one who's typing.
Ti: Well you're the one who made that THONG typo!!
Sie (throws thong at Ti): Leave me alone!
Obi-Wan: Ladies, Ladies--
Both: Oh SHUT-UP, Obi-Wan!!! [Sie and Ti sulk off with scene resuming.]
Maligna: Hey have any of you seen a darkly dressed guy with weird face paint come through here?
Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon (pointing): He went that way.
Maligna: Thanks.
Obi-Wan: This is getting out of hand.
[She exits, and Obi-Wan goes back to the ship]
Watto (still hanging around, speaks up): One pod for two slaves? No deal.
Qui-Gon: How about the boy then?
Watto: Well.......OK.
[They settle the deal. Scene cuts to actual pod race. To make this short---The race begins, Anakin stalls, Sebulba is in the lead, then Anakin , then Sebulba, Anakin wins then beats up the announcers afterward for making fun of him. Scene cuts back to the ship with Qui-Gon talking to Obi-Wan.]
Obi-Wan: Why do I sense we've picked up another pathetic life form.
[Anakin enters the scene.]
Anakin (innocently): That really hurts my feelings. (voice all of sudden gets deeper with hint of a breathing mask) I'm going to KILL you!!!
Obi-Wan (raises an eyebrow): Yeah right! Why don't you try it in about thirty years!
[Authors note: Oh the Irony!!!!]
Ti: Anakin this isn't your scene get out of here
Sie: Quit threatening our characters! We paid big bucks for'em
[Anakin leaves.]
Qui-Gon: Ok, now I'm going to head all the way back into Mos Espa to pick up the boy who was just here a second ago....(pauses thinking).........you know this script really doesn't make any sense.
Ti: Just go with it, Qui-Gon
Sie: Don't question our authority (slight slip into Cartmen from South Park)
[To make this short, Anakin goes home to his mommy, finds out he's leaving, cries a lot (waaaah!). Everyone's sad, and this will probably end up in him turning to the dark side, oh well. Scene cuts to Qui-Gon and Anaking running through the desert]
Sie: Anaking? Is that like a cross between Anna and the King?
Ti: It's your turn to type.
[As we were saying, Qui-Gon and Anakin are running through the desert with a clocked figure on a motorcycle following close behind them.]
Qui-Gon (turning to look behind him): Anakin!! Drop.......and give me fifty.
Anakin: Huh!?
Qui-Gon: Just get to the ship!! Tell them to take off!
[Anakin runs in ship.]
Anakin: Take off!
[Pilot takes off, and they get halfway to Coruscant before Obi-Wan realizes--]
Obi-Wan: Hey! Where's Qui-Gon?
[Scene cuts back to Qui-Gon and Maul playing a game of strip poker. Qui-Gon's lost his shirt and boots; Maul sits in just boxers. Ship arrives, and Qui-Gon boards.]
Qui-Gon (irritated): Glad you decided to come back for me!!
Anakin: You told me to tell them to take off!!
Obi-Wan: Don't worry, Master, we missed you. We were only halfway to Coruscant before we decided to come back for you.
[Qui-Gon reaches for his saber while Obi-Wan ducks into the nearest closet. They arrive on Coruscant. Amidala goes with Palpy. While our Jedi meet with the council, they send Anakin off to be babysat by Jar-Jar.]
Qui-Gon: I found a boy, can I keep him?
[Council gives weird looks while Qui-Gon explains his reasons]
Qui-Gon: He's very strong in the force. The strangest part is he doesn't have a father.
Mace: Are you suggesting that he was conceived by midichlorians?
Obi-Wan (under his breath): The little bastard.
Qui-Gon: Obi-Wan!!
Obi-Wan: What? (once again, under his breath) You were the one that slept with his mother.
Mace: What was that, Obi-Wan?
Obi-Wan: Yeah, and you were twice her age!
Qui-Gon: At least we were both adults. What about you? You slept with a minor!
Obi-Wan: You tried to kill me.......Twice!!!
Qui-Gon: Liar! What about that time we went on a mission, and you were strip dancing at that Corellian bar!
[At this point all female Jedi Council members rise an eyebrow and smile.]
Obi-Wan: I was drunk!! And, so were you!!
Mace: Didn't we send you to Alderaan that time?
Qui-Gon: We uh got a little sidetracked.
[At that time William Wallace comes screaming in]
Wil: FREEDOM!!!!!
[He runs out then, a bunch of Englishmen come in]
Englishmen: Has anyone seen a Scottish rebel come through here?
Obi-Wan (nervously): No, not at all.
[Author's Note: Ewan McGregor is Scottish. Thus, where the joke came from.]
[They leave. Everyone's dumbfounded while trying to figure out what just happened. Next, Maul strolls in wearing nothing but boxers.]
Maul: Has anyone seen my ship? My extra pair of clothes are in there, and I need them since I lost my clothes in a game of strip poker to a Jedi.
[All Council members look at Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan and raise an eyebrow]
Obi-Wan (points at Qui-Gon): Hey, that was all him.
Council (finally answers Maul): No.
[He leaves while Magneto enters}
Magneto: Has short British guy come through here? (everyone shakes their head no) What about a telepathic bald guy?
[Everyone turns to face Mace.]
Magneto: No, wrong guy. Thanks anyway. [He walks out.]
[Meanwhile a telepathic bold guy wheels in---it's Professor X aka Picard
Wheels: Has there been a tall, super hero with magnetic powers through here?
Council: No.
Council Member: Hey, aren't you the guy from Star Trek?
[Picard gives nervous look, jumps out of chair and runs out followed closely by two Council members.]
Obi-Wan: What the heck just happened?
Qui-Gon: This is really f-ed up!
Obi-Wan: Master!
Qui-Gon: It is! Never in my lifetime (60 years) have I seen anything this messed up!
Yoda: 900 years I have lived, and never seen this I have either.
[Sid walks in.]
Sid: Could you direct me to the Sith Chambers?
Mace: Second door to the right. [Sid exits. Obi-Wan looks totally shocked.]
Obi-Wan: Did anyone catch that? Sith...Chambers....Sith....Chambers...
Mace: Quit talking crazy, Obi-Wan.
Obi-Wan: Am I the only person that knows what's going on here? I'm just ready to get out of this frickin' Council scene.
Mace: Oh yeah, about the boy......bring him to us.
Qui-Gon: Ok. I guess that's it.
[Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon turn to leave.]
Qui-Gon: Oh by the way......We have a Sith problem. [They exit.]
[Scene cuts to the Senate Meeting]
Palpy: Senate, we have a problem. Naboo is being attacked by the Trade Federation, (under breath) which happens to be working for me.
Chancellor: What was that?
Palpy: Nothing. Here is Queen Abudabi.......uh Awanadolla......ah dangit.....Amidala...yes that's it. You can tell this Sith Master's drunk.
Senate: What?!
Palpy: Nothing.
[Amidala pauses as if to speak but has no idea what to say. Palpy whispers into her ear.]
Palpy (whispering to Amidala): I come to you under the gravest of circumstances.
Amidala: I come to under the gravest of circumcisions
Senate: What!!?
Palpy: Circumstances......Circumstances!
Ami: Circumstances......The Naboo System has been invaded by the droid armies of the Trade----
Federation Member: I OBJECT!!
Amidala (getting mad): You would. (rams her floating platform into theirs, knocking Federation Senators into bottomless pit.)
Palpy (to Amidala): Enter the Bureaucrats, the true rulers of the republic. This is where Valorum's strength disappears. Move for a vote of no confidence, and I'll rule the galaxy!
Amidala: I want to move for a vote of no confidence, so I can rule the galaxy!
Senate: What!?
Palpy: No, you weren't suppose to say that part!
Amidala: Oh, never mind.
[At this point, Chancellor Valorum looks rejected and betrayed while the Senate insists on voting for a new Chancellor. Scene cuts to Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon out on a balcony at the Temple.]
Obi-Wan: I have a bad feeling about this!
Qui-Gon: Again? If I had a credit for every time you said that line, I'd be rich.
Obi-Wan: It's about Palpatine. I think he's really an evil Sith Lord trying to take over the galaxy, so he can become Emperor and kill all the Jedi.
Qui-Gon: You're too imaginative.
Obi-Wan: You know the Council's not going to let the boy be trained.
Qui-Gon: Anakin will be a Jedi, I promise.
Obi-Wan (under his breath): More like a Sith.
Qui-Gon: What was that?
Obi-Wan: That kid is evil. He'll probably end up on the dark side.
Qui-Gon: That'll never happen.
[Scene cuts to Anakin with the Council.]
Yoda: How feel you?
Ani: What kind of question is that? I feel fine.
Ki Adi Mundi: Your thoughts dwell on your mother.
Yoda: Afraid to lose her, I think.
Anakin: What is this? The physic network?
Yoda: I sense much fear in you.
Anakin: What's that got to do with anything?
Yoda: (snapping fingers) Go there, you will not, girlfriend
Anakin: Are you calling me a girl? You little troll!
[Out of nowhere, the one and only Luke Skywalker walks in and looks around.]
Luke: Could someone give me directions to Dagobah?
Yoda: Second moon on the left.
Luke: Thanks (looks at Anakin) You look familiar.
Anakin: My name's Anakin Skywalker.
Luke: Get out of here!! I'm Luke Skywalker!
Anakin: No way!!
Luke: Way, dude. [He exits.]
[Scene cuts to Queen in Palpy's quarters. She makes the decision to go home, although Palpy tries to convince her otherwise (hmmm. I wonder why). Scene cuts again to council with Obi-Wan, Qui-Gon, and Anakin.]
Qui-Gon: So is the boy going to be trained, or what?
Mace: No, he will not be trained.
Qui-Gon: NO?!
Obi-Wan (laughing): I told you!
Qui-Gon: Shut up!
Anakin (to Council): I'm going to KILL you! Death to you all!!!!!!!
Obi-Wan (to Qui-Gon): See! I told you!! He's got evil written all over him!
Anakin (pointing to Obi-Wan): Damn you!!!!
Obi-Wan: You're a ticked off MF, aren't you!?
[Anakin jumps on Obi-Wan, knocking him down, continuously beats him. Obi-Wan force pushes him into the wall then jumps up and grabs his lightsaber]
Qui-Gon (holding Obi-Wan back): Let him live, Obi-Wan.
Obi-Wan: Just let me slit his throat. Quick and easy. No one has to know about it. If I don't kill him no one will. He'll kill us all!!!
Qui-Gon (to council): Ok, look I'll train Anakin.
Obi-Wan (starting to loose it): I can't believe this!!!! You would take that little prick over me!? Have these past thirteen years meant nothing to you. Does our relationship not matter anymore? (council raises an eyebrow) That's it, I'm out of here!
Qui-Gon: Well, I thought that went well.
[Scene cuts to everyone boarding ship, then scene cuts to everyone inside the ship where the queen announces her plans to kick some Federation butt then everyone scatters there own way. The actual Queen disguised as the handmaiden goes and looks for Obi-Wan. She wanders into a store room to find him there with the Queen which is actually the handmaiden.]
Padme (to Obi-Wan): I don't believe it!! How could you!?
Obi-Wan: What?! (looks from Queen to handmaiden...er...handmaiden to Queen and decides that he's really confused and begins speaking incoherently) But I thought you.......but....how....you were....what!? Ok.....which one of you have I already slept with? (both raise their hand) OK
[Qui-Gon walks through, glances around and begins to walk out.]
Obi-Wan: Master! you've got to help me!
Qui-Gon: Nope. Deal with your own problems. I'm just walking through......not asking. I'm just going to go meditate.
[He exits, and scene quickly cuts to Naboo where Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan are having a heart felt talk while Jar-Jar looks for the Gungans]
Obi-Wan: I'm going to have to apologize aren't I?
Qui-Gon: Yep.
Obi-Wan: Crap. Ok here it goes. (takes a breath) Master I'm sorry about the time I got caught smoking, the time I got drunk---
Qui-Gon (interrupts): Which time?
Obi-Wan: All of them, and the time I stole all the Council members cloaks, the time I accidentally blew up the practice droid, the time I fried your lightsaber, tried to put it back together and it blew up in your hand---
Qui-Gon: That was you?!
Obi-Wan: Oh....crap, anyway the time I rig up the Council chairs to where when they sat down they fell through, and when I broke curfew and didn't come home till three in the morning, and all the times I've made out with all the girls I've ever seen---
Qui-Gon: Are you through?
Obi-Wan: No, I'm sorry about what happened in the council and I'm sorry for my behavior---
Qui-Gon: About what?
Obi-Wan: You're not making this easy.
Qui-Gon (grins evilly): I know.
Obi-Wan: I'm sorry for my behavior about the boy--There, I said it!
[Jedi walk back to the group]
Panaka: Are you finished!? We've been waiting for hours.
Obi-Wan: I feel so much better. I'm glad I finally got all of that off my shoulders. (walks over to Padme) Padme, I just want to say that I'm sorry-----
Padme (cuts him off): Save it. We don't have time for this. We know where the Gungans are let's go.
[Scene cuts to Gungans hide out. Fake Queen steps forward and begins her speech but is interrupted by Padme]
Boss Nass: Who are you.....uh....I'm mean Whosa Dis?
Padme: I am Queen Amidala.
[Everyone gasps, shocked.]
Qui-Gon (looking at Obi-Wan): Did you know about this?
Obi-Wan: Yep!
Qui-Gon: Oh, that's what you were trying to tell me.
Obi-Wan: Yes!! You never listen to me!! After all this years, you've never listened to me. And, I'm always right!!
Qui-Gon: I don't have time for this, Obi-Wan. We have to escort the Queen to battle.
[ Scene cuts to battle where the Gungans have already set up their army and the rest of the gang run off to the hanger]
Padme (yells to pilots over battle noises): GET TO YOUR SHIPS!!!
Pilots: WHAT?!
Padme (all noise cease): GET TO YOUR SHIPS!!!!
Pilots: OK you don't have to yell!!
[Pilots run to ships, while Sie and Ti enter]
Ti: Wait a minute!!
[Everyone freezes]
Sie: We have to make sure we have all of our characters. (counts) Ok everyone's here.
Obi-Wan: What about Anakin?
Ti: He's right there (points to Anakin clinging to Qui-Gon) [Sie and Ti exit.]
Obi-Wan: When did he come in?
Qui-Gon: He's been here. He's been hiding from you after you threatened to kill him.
Obi-Wan: Oh yeah...Anakin, about that....
Qui-Gon: Obi-Wan, we don't have time....
Obi-Wan: I'm sorry---(Qui-Gon grabs him)
Qui-Gon: Come on!
[Anakin runs to hide in a nearby ship while the others proceed ahead. The hanger door opens to show a scantly dressed Sith Lord.]
Maul (still in boxers): Has anyone seen my ship?
Obi-Wan: For the last time, no, we have not seen your ship!
Maul: Well, then how did I get here?
Ti: Plot hole!
Sie (to Maul): Haven't we already told you not to question anything.
Ti: Just go with it, Maul.
Qui-Gon: We'll handle this.
[The group scatters leaving Sith and Jedi alone in the hanger. Qui-Gon strips off his cloak, followed by Obi-Wan, who proceeds to unbutton his tunic]
Qui-Gon: That's enough, Obi-Wan!
Maul (appearing interested): Nah, go ahead.
[Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan look quizzically at Maul.]
Maul (to Obi-Wan): Want to go out for a drink after this?
Obi-Wan: I don't usually date Sith Lords (pauses, thinking about this) Wait a minute! Let's get one thing strait...I'm strait.
Sie: Ti, you do know dear that you have the wrong 'strait'! Since when the heck did Obi-Wan become a body of water! (laughs) It's 'straight' not 'strait'.
Ti: Ok, quit lecturing me. Just type!
Maul: You can be Bi.
Obi-Wan: That's not the point. See that girl over there (points to Padme) I slept with her.... (looks around)...and with her, and her, her, her and every other girl in this movie, except for Shmi, Qui-Gon handled that one. (Maul looks perplexed) The point is, I like women....a lot.
Qui-Gon (acts hurt but isn't): Does that mean the past 13 years have been nothing?
Obi-Wan: Master, your--
Maul (raising an eyebrow): Master? Kinky...
Obi-Wan (to Maul): Would you shut up!
Maul: The first time I meet a cute Jedi, and he won't go out with me!
Obi-Wan: Master, help me out here! (to Maul) Do you really think I'm cute? (pauses) Don't answer that
Qui-Gon (snickering): Nope, remember what happened the last time I stuck my saber in your business?
Maul: That's not fair. [Qui-Gon busts out laughing.]
Obi-Wan (annoyed and starting to lose it again): That's NOT what he meant!! Can we just get on with the battle here?
Sie: No, this is quite fun actually. [Obi-Wan eyes her evilly, and Ti steps in.]
Ti: I agree. Ok Ok here goes the battle.
[They begin to battle. At the same time, the Gungans are battling the droids at the same time the Queen is trying to break into the throne room at the same time the pilots are trying to blow up the control ship. Scene cuts back to Jedi fighting. Maul and Qui-Gon battle fiercely while Obi-Wan is trapped behind an energy wall thingy. Qui-Gon gets nailed, and Obi-Wan yells.]
Obi-Wan: YES!!!!!!!...I mean NOOOOOOO!
[Obi-Wan and Maul battle and battle and battle some more. Hours and hours later they're still at it.]
Sie: Ok this is enough.
Ti: Obi-Wan, we need you to cut this scene short.
Obi-Wan: Ok. (cuts Maul in half)
Sie: That's not what we had in mind, but hey, it works.
[Maul suddenly enters.]
Maul: You killed my stunt double!
Ti: Wait a minute...we didn't hire a stunt double for you! [Maul eyes Obi-Wan and begins to chase him around the room. Obi-Wan, panicked, runs away jumping over Qui-Gon's body each time he circles.]
Obi-Wan (to Maul): Why won't you die!?
Qui-Gon: I'm dying here!
[Sie and Ti chase after Maul and Obi-Wan]
Sie: Maul, this is not in our script!
Maul: I'm improvising.
Ti: That is not allowed. [Obi-Wan spins around with saber ignited and lets Maul hit the blade, killing him....for good...really...seriously....he's dead now. The body falls into the pit. Maligna dashes out and tackles Obi-Wan beating the crap out of him.]
Maligna: You son of a #$%@!!! How dare you kill him!
[Sie and Ti knock Maligna in the head and pull her off of Obi-Wan.]
Obi-Wan (more or less shaken): I knew I could handle her.
Sie: We just saved your hide. You owe us big. (turns to Ti) Now what do we do with her?
Ti: Lets just throw her down the pit to join Maul.
Sie: She's not dead.
Qui-Gon: No, but I will be soon.
Sie: Lets just take her off stage.
Ti: I say pit.
Sie: Stage!
Ti: Pit!
Obi-Wan Ladies, ladies please there's no need--(both Sie and Ti turn to him and punch him in the face. He falls over.)
Obi-Wan: My nose! (faints at the site of blood)
Qui-Gon: I'm still dying.
[Sie and Ti drag body off stage while Qui-Gon gets up and notices Obi-Wan lying unconscious.]
Qui-Gon: Don't die on me!
Obi-Wan (suddenly awake): Master, promise me you'll train the boy. (pauses) Wait a minute; this isn't right. I'm not suppose to die!
Qui-Gon: One of us has to.
Obi-Wan: I can't die; I'm in Episode IV! That means your dying.
Qui-Gon: Crap. [They switch places.] Promise me you'll train the boy.
Obi-Wan: Awww...do I have to?
Qui-Gon: Yes, dang it, you do. It's my dying wish. If you don't fulfill it, I'll come back and haunt you.
Obi-Wan: Ok. [Qui-Gon keels over. Sie and Ti come and drag the body out while everyone else wonders where the heck the bodies are going. Scene cuts to funeral where Obi-Wan stands beside Anakin.]
Anakin (turns to Obi-Wan a bit frightened): I see dead people. I see Qui-Gon!
Obi-Wan: Yeah, he's right there in flames. [Sie: I think he's taking the death quite well, don't you? Ti: Quite.]
Anakin: No, he's standing behind you!
Obi-Wan (rolling eyes): Your too imaginative.
[Scene cuts to the parade.]
Obi-Wan (singing): I love a parade...(hums the rest while Anakin turns and gives him a weird look.)
[Sie and Ti appear on the steps with the rest of the cast with Oscars in hand for best screen play.]
Ti: I would like to thank the Academy.........
Sie: I would like to thank...(pauses) all the cast who put up with this crazy script.
Obi-Wan: ...and the crazy directors. By the way your paying my medical bill for my nose.
Sie: The hell we are! Your rich enough; take your money and kilt and go home.
[Parade continues with Jar Jar in the lead. He trips, as usual, and gets run over.]
Anakin: Oh my gosh! They killed Jar Jar!
Obi-Wan (breaking into song): Celebrate good times, come on!
Ti: Well, I never liked him anyways.
Sie: I hope the Animal Rights Activist don't sue us for this. (pulls out cell phone and calls Johnny Cochran)
Obi-Wan: Hey, could you ask him about lawsuits involving broken noses in the set of a movie.
Sie: Would you like to have a black eye with that broken nose. (smiles at Ti who cracks her knuckles.)
Ti: The end...finally. [All take a bow, screen fades. Sie and Ti walk back stage talking and laughing about the movie when something comes to mind.]
Sie: If that wasn't Maul who died the first time, then who was it? [Both run to the cut in two 'Sith Lord' and removes his cloak to reveal...]
Ti: I don't believe it! It's Toad from X-Men!
Sie: ...and he would have gotten away with it if it weren't for us meddling directors. [Both laugh and movie really ends.]
The End. Please Review and be honest!