SURVIVAL INSTINCT
by Avalon (avalon99@telusplanet.net)
http://members.dencity.com/avalon_online
J/C, PG-13, 2/3
SURVIVAL INSTINCT II
Once again, Janeway found herself struggling futilely to start a fire. She cursed silently. Lately, the better part of her life seemed to involve crouching on her knees over wood and bits of kindling, blowing into embers that refused to catch, and inhaling torrents of smoke. It didn't help that she was soaking wet and that her clothing was clinging to her uncomfortably. She shivered at the cold wind knifing through her and glanced up at her First Officer, who was breaking more twigs for her. "Are you getting a feeling of deja vu?" she asked.
"There are a few differences." He handed her the sticks. "At least this time I haven't been shot and you haven't been poisoned. And neither of us is currently possessed by an evil alien...I presume?" Chakotay's voice rose on the last words, trying to inject some levity into the moment. Then he cursed himself silently at the shadow that crossed her eyes. Hastily, she turned her attention back to the campfire. Chakotay watched her for a moment then crouched beside her. "I'm sorry," he said simply.
She glanced at him. "For what? Throwing me in the creek? You should be." Despite her tone, her expression was strained.
He shook his head. "For bringing up...what happened. And for not being there for you these past few weeks."
Janeway gave him a startled look. She opened her mouth to reply then changed her mind at the last moment. Uncomfortably she edged away from him a little, focusing on the fire that stubbornly refused to start. "I need more kindling."
"Kathryn..."
"If we don't get a fire started soon, we're both going to freeze." She didn't meet his eyes.
Chakotay paused, then leaned forward across the twigs and put both hands on her shoulders, forcing her to face him. She stiffened at his touch. "Kathryn. We need to talk." At last her gaze met his. For a moment he thought she would pull away then she stilled. She hesitated...then nodded.
"You're right. We do. But not now."
There was a brief battle of wills then Chakotay's gaze dropped and his hands fell away. He too nodded reluctantly. "I'll get more wood."
Her expression lightened and a small smile curled at her lips. "Thank you." He stood, as she resumed her efforts with the fire. "Besides," she muttered, half to herself, "All I can think about right now is being warm and dry again."
Suddenly, with no warning, there was a blinding flash of light,
as if the holodeck's main circuitry had overloaded. Both Chakotay
and Janeway flung up an arm to protect their eyes, then blinkingly reopened
them, wincing at the glare.
Everything had changed. Where a forest and thick undergrowth
had been, a desert now lay. Around them a sea of golden sand dunes
stretched out to the horizon which shimmered in the distance. Two
orange suns pulsed in the electric blue sky. There were no plants,
no signs of animal life...nothing but the sky and sand.
"Computer...End program." The result was the same as before. Janeway met Chakotay's eyes in dismay. Her wet clothing had begun to steam, she noticed distantly, and her hair was drying rapidly.
Chakotay bent and ran some of the yellow sand through his fingers then looked up at her. "The programs seem to be merging," he said. "I think this one might belong to Ensign Agaris."
Janeway chewed her lip. It was hot, and growing hotter. "So we're on Deneb Prime now?" she asked, mopping at her brow.
The Commander nodded and climbed back to his feet. "I think so."
"Have you ever been there?"
"Just once. I left in a hurry."
Great. Just great. "So how hot is it going to get?" She shaded her eyes and peered cautiously at the twin suns that were rising higher in the sky.
Chakotay was gazing at her with some concern. "Do you really want to know?" he asked.
"Probably not." She turned her back on the binary stars, feeling the back of her neck prickle with the heat. She resisted the urge to pant. "Well, you're the expert here. What's our next move?"
"Look for an oasis. We can't stay here."
Janeway sighed. "Agreed. Which way?"
"Left?"
"Why?"
"Why not?" He echoed her earlier words back at her then gave her a reassuring glance.
"And I wanted to be warm and dry," Janeway thought ruefully moments later as she struggled across the shifting sands. "Chakotay?" she said aloud.
"Yes?"
"The next time I decide to take a survival course on the Holodeck, hold me down until the urge passes."
"Deal."
Together they moved across the desert, only the low whistle of the hot wind breaking the silence.
* * *
Their clothes had dried in a matter of minutes it seemed. The suns had reached their zenith...and had stayed there... while the temperature had moved from uncomfortable to "hot enough to fry your eyeballs" -- at least in Janeway's private opinion.
Her foot slipped as the sand shifted beneath her and Chakotay reached out to steady her. She cast him a covert glance. Beyond a faint sheen of perspiration glistening on his brow, there were no signs that the heat was affecting him. Janeway, on the other hand, thought she was going to die. She had never been able to cope with the heat. Put her in an icy frozen wasteland and she'd be fine, but a blazing hot desert...she might as well give up now. And of course she had inherited her mother's red hair and fair skin that burned if she even looked at the sun the wrong way. She rubbed surreptitiously at her nose -- it was already starting to peel. Damn. Meanwhile, her First Officer looked like a modern version of Lawrence of Arabia. It wasn't fair.
Actually, he made a very dashing Lawrence of Arabia. After several minutes of struggling through the dunes, he had removed his shirt, torn both sleeves off, and offered her one as a makeshift head-covering, wrapping the other artistically around his own. So now he was looking very...piratical...in his bandanna and suddenly sleeveless shirt which he had not bothered to rebutton all the way. And that wasn't helping Janeway's body temperature much either...
She stumbled again. Once more he was there, steadying her. "Are you all right?" The concern in his voice was growing. He gazed closely at her. Her hair was tangled --she had made some effort to tie it back again but it had defeated her efforts -- and a red flush was beginning to creep across her face. Much more of this and she'd end up looking like a Talaxian tomato. She rubbed her nose again.
"I suppose you never burn, do you?" There was an accusing note in her voice.
"No. Sorry."
She did not reply, merely stared over his shoulder at the surrounding desert. "Do you think there is an oasis out here somewhere?"
"I don't know. It would depend on..." Chakotay broke off. Janeway's expression had changed to one of amazement. He turned and followed her gaze...and promptly lost his faculty for speech. Finally, he managed to ask: "Do you see what I see?"
Her voice was cautious. "I'm not sure. What do you see?"
Chakotay hesitated. "I see a large group of Klingons ballroom dancing. To a Viennese waltz."
"Me too. Odd...isn't it?"
Another long silence fell between them as the Klingons waltzed closer across the sand, the strains of the "Blue Danube" floated through the desert air. Chakotay and Janeway watched incredulously as the group, the men in black tuxedos and the women in bright, feathered evening gowns, danced past them. And then they were gone, disappearing over the sand dunes. The Captain exchanged a glance with her First Officer.
"Well, unless that was a shared mirage or we've both completely lost our minds, I think the programs have been merging again. Any idea who owns that one?"
"None whatsoever." There was a note of blank astonishment in his voice.
"I'm starting to think I should worry about the state of my crew's psyche." Janeway turned away as the music began to fade.
Chakotay cast one more disbelieving glance to where the dancers had vanished. "You could be right." They shared a bemused look for a moment then the Captain resolutely set out again. Behind them, the last strains of music faded and vanished altogether.
* * *
Janeway slowed to a halt and resisted the urge to topple forward into the sand. She wasn't sure how much more of this she could stand. Beside her, Chakotay stopped when she did, the concerned expression once more on his face. He was about to speak when she looked down...and leapt sideways, reaching a hand toward him. He followed her gaze. A large centipede-like insect scuttled past them and vanished over the crest of a nearby sand dune.
Janeway suddenly realized that her heart was pounding uncomfortably fast and that she had his arm in a vice-like grip. Hastily she released him. "Sorry," she said, her voice shaking slightly. "Just more deja vu..."
Chakotay hesitantly reached out and touched her shoulder. "The gwari?"
For a moment Janeway debated changing the subject again... But then the memories of the small insect whose bite had nearly killed her three weeks ago returned full force -- and suddenly the silence became too much. "I thought I was going to die," she said softly, meeting his eyes.
"So did I. I thought I would have to watch you die. That there was nothing I could do to save you. That was..." His voice tailed off. The silence grew between them. Finally, he continued. "Kathryn..."
"Yes?"
"I...have to ask. Do you...blame me...for what happened?"
"No! Of course not." She responded a little too quickly. There was another uncomfortable silence and she glanced away, suddenly unable to meet his gaze. "Well...maybe part of me does...did." She didn't look up, didn't want to see the hurt on his face. She swallowed and kept talking. She had come this far, after all... "Part of me did blame you for letting Eidolon take control of you. I know...I know...that there was nothing you could have done and that it was only because you were strong enough to defeat him in the end that we're both not dead...but...there was still some small part of me that blamed you for putting my ship and crew in danger. I...I know it's not logical, and it's not right, but..." She choked on her words and ground to an awkward halt.
"I blame me too." The bitter self-recrimination in his voice caught at her and she glanced up apprehensively. The expression on his face was... No! She couldn't allow this...She reached up and rested one hand lightly on his shoulder.
"No," she said aloud. "Don't do this to yourself, Chakotay. It wasn't your fault. I know that. I really do. There was nothing you could..."
"I hurt you." Anguish had joined the recrimination. "I hurt you, kidnapped you, and nearly killed you."
She shook her head. "No. We've already had this conversation. Eidolon did those things. Not you. Look - ignore everything I just said. I did blame you...sort of...but I've been doing a lot of thinking lately and I don't anymore. No part of me blames you." Her other hand joined the first and she took a step closer. "Please don't do this to yourself."
He reached up and seized her wrist. "Kathryn." She did not move. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry for everything that Eidolon did and said to you, and I'm sorry that I wasn't able to stand against him..."
"Chakotay..." It came out as a ragged whisper.
"No. You have to let me say this. You could have died
so easily. There were times I thought you had died.
Times I thought I had lost you...that I'd never get the chance to tell
you..." Chakotay drew a deep breath and dragged his tangled emotions
back under control. He altered his grip on her wrist, allowing it
to slide upward until he was holding her hand. "You brought me back
from the darkness, Kathryn, and I...I owe you a debt I can never repay."
Why did she have the impression that that wasn't what he was
going to say? Janeway thrust the sensation aside and responded to
his words. "There is no debt. Friends... friends don't count
costs. And, if it helps...whatever part of me that blamed you, forgives
you. If...if you can forgive me too."
"Forgive you? For what?" Now there was only blank astonishment in his voice.
"I shot you. In case you'd forgotten." A crooked smile crossed her face, mingling with the tears that were threatening to fall. "I also gave you a concussion, tied you up, and bashed you over the head with a rock. None of which I'm especially proud of..." The smile had vanished.
Chakotay's grip on her hand tightened. "You had no choice."
She looked away. "There are always choices." The stricken look had returned to her face. "Chakotay, I shot you. I could have killed you. If my aim had been just a little off..."
"But it wasn't. And you didn't. Kathryn -- you did what had to be done. I don't blame you -- how could I? You saved my life."
"And you saved mine." There was a long silence, then: "Why are we both agonizing over this?"
He drew in a deep breath. "I'm...not sure. Probably because we both hurt each other. And because..."
"Because...?"
Another deep breath. "Because when you hurt someone you...care about...it hurts you too. Sometimes more."
There really wasn't anything she could say to that. Janeway nodded and began to step backward, her face still reflecting all of her bruised emotions. With a muffled exclamation, Chakotay suddenly pulled her into his arms, holding her tightly. For an instant she stiffened then hesitantly returned the embrace, her heart pounding against his. An eternity passed, then finally:
"Chakotay?" Her voice was muffled against his chest.
"Yes?"
"It's too hot to hug you."
Laughter that helped banish the despair welled up within him, and he slowly released her. Carefully she withdrew from his embrace, moving back a pace, then met his gaze. Some of the underlying tension had faded from her eyes and she held herself less stiffly than before. Likewise, Chakotay could feel the stress draining away within him. Gently he reached a hand out and wiped away the single tear that had cascaded down her cheek. She gave him a watery smile.
"So...what are we going to do about...all this?" She waved a hand at the sand surrounding them. "If I have to spend much more time here, I think I'm going to spontaneously combust."
She was changing the subject. Chakotay let her. As good as it had felt to air some of the emotions that had been tearing at him for weeks, they had more pressing concerns right now -- namely survival. "There's got to be an oasis in here somewhere. We'll find it."
Janeway brushed a hand across her brow, wiping away moisture that she could ill afford to lose. "Hopefully before I drop from heat exhaustion." She gazed dourly at the expanse of sand around them. "What I wouldn't give for just a small rainstorm..."
It was at that moment that the holodeck program shifted again. Without warning, the binary suns flared brightly... and vanished, the dunes transforming into thick tropical undergrowth...and the skies opened up. A blinding torrential rain cascaded down upon them both.
END OF PART TWO