Disclaimer: Do I really have to? No? Good.
'Cause I don't want to have to say that I don't own anything that someone else owns.
That would be really redundant and pointless, because I think we can all figure
that out on our own.
'I hate them. Wait, no. Ignore that. I don't hate the
little Japanese twerps. I just resent them and wish that they would get what
they deserve. That may seem like hate to you, but I don't think that they
deserve anything bad. They just don't deserve what they have. It's not fair.
And don't give me any of that 'Well life's not fair, so you're going to have to
get used to it, essa,' bullshit.
I'm entitled to my little piece of depression. At least
give me that much. I mean, we all get depressed. Every goddamn one of us. It's
like a job requirement: ability to wrestle, entertain, and get depressed. From
Vince [McMahon] to Jeff [Hardy] to JP [Triple H], all the way down to guys like
me and Lisa [Ivory] and Kip [Billy Gunn]. It's hard to imagine all of us
depressed, isn't it? One big family, all down in the dumps. Let's break it
down, just for fun.
Vince can enter a deep blue funk just because the ratings
took a dip or one of us didn't get the right reaction from the crowd.
Jeff once told me that he didn't think the fans
appreciated the fact that he was human and could only push himself so far.
Stephanie: be glad I didn't tell him about you then, but
it will all come in due time.
And we all remember when JP wouldn't talk to anyone for
months, just because he couldn't handle the pressure of everyone's expectations
for him.
If you guys are allowed to be depressed, so are we, the lowly
Jakked wrestlers. But even among the unwanted who are forced to wrestle on
Jakked every week, or not wrestle at all, I deserve this break from reality the
most.
Kip had his glory, part of DX and the New Age Outlaws.
Every now and then he gets his chance to shine again, like this thing with Adam
[Edge].
And Lisa, everyone respects her, even the fans that hate
her have to appreciate her ability in the ring and on the microphone.
But me? I'm the guy who was only given a chance because
the guy you wanted was busy. So I get the Light heavyweight championship, the
least respected belt in the business. So I play this stupid, chauvinistic
immigrant with a really cool valet. Actually, it was more like she was a valet
who had to put up with a woman hating, Spanish speaking, ill-tempered wrestler
who was overshadowed by her popularity and her ability. Amy's a great person
and she deserves everything she's got, but it's kind of an in my face message
saying that I failed.
So she succeeds and I get taken off TV so I can 'take the
time to recover for old injuries and learn a bit more English,' as J.R. put it.
I don't blame him. He was acting on Vince's orders. Yeah, the language barrier
was a problem sometimes, but I don't have any old injuries to recover from.
So I have to hire myself a tutor and accept the fact that
Vince doesn't think I'm even smart enough to figure out the real reason I'm not
on TV.
So I'm busy learning English, and meanwhile, those
Japanese twerps get time on Raw, Smackdown!, hell, they're even all over WWF
New York. And then Tajiri comes along, making it three Japanese twerps wasting
time on TV. I think Steph has a thing for little Japanese men, because she
keeps writing them in when they speak even less English than I do. 'But they're
funny,' you say. I don't care. It's not right.
At least I'm trying to learn the language of the country I
live in. They travel with a translator. Even brought her on TV, just so that
they could be funny. Almost no one knows this, but they fight over her, because
they're afraid of being caught in a conversation without her. Those chump
stains.
Yea, the man with the funny red hair just said 'chump
stains.' Blame Chris. Either one. See, I'm a quick learner, contrary to
whatever Vince or anyone else might think. I can pick up on the slang, which is
like it's own goddamn language.
And on top of that, I've mastered English, the world's
most complicated language. It's got exceptions to exceptions to exceptions.
Like that stupid little rhyme. 'I before E, except after C and
when sounded like A as in neighbor and weigh.' Of course you stupid Americans
forget to mentions exceptions to the exceptions, like 'weird' and foreign.
Shit like that and the other shit I have to put up with in
this company make me want to go out and really hurt the poor sap who has to job
on Jakked. I could, but then I'd end up like Perry, taking multiple shots to
the head. But hey, I might get to be on TV then, right?
Well, anything for the Federation. And for the lack of any
other job openings. Not even with another promotion, not since Vince got a
strangle hold on the business. Even the independents only exist to feed fresh
wrestlers to the ever-hungry maw that is the WWF.
And just to put the cherry on top of the cake, Steph
decided to make me the 'mole.' Yep. I get to have the crap beaten out of me on
national television and then I get to defect to an already failing company. And
once I'm there, I'll get booed because the fans paid to see the WWF stars, not the
WCW wannabes. And once the invasion angle has been bled dry, I'll fade into
obscurity in the loser company. My life is just a regular bowl of cherries.
Fuck all of this shit. I give up on everything. To whoever
finds this first, pass on a few last messages for me, will you? This will be
the last time I'm a burden on you, ever. I promise. I've got a few rhetorical
questions for a couple people. Rhetorical because I won't be around to hear the
answers.
Vince: What do you think of my English now? Of course,
I've been fluent in English for months, but you haven't noticed. Your loss.
Stephanie: What do you think will happen when your
Jeffy-poo finds out that you've been sleeping with annoying little Japanese men
on the side?
Much love, José Seldana.
P.S.: Por favor, digan todos que no echo nadie la culpa
de esté. Y den mis materias a mi familia. Tambien…Lisa: te quiero, porque
entendiste. Veré ustedes cuando llegan a infireno.'
"I never knew he was so angry at the world. If I had had
any idea…He seems to be especially made at Steph and Vince. Small wonder, I see
his point. He was a little extreme maybe, but…"
"I know." Andrew [Test] looked at Steve [Blackman]. "I
don't suppose you took Spanish in high school? I took French."
"I did, actually, but that was a long time ago. Where are
Eddie [Guerrero] and Joanie [Chyna] when you need them?"
"Drug rehab and sitting out her contract, respectively,"
Andrew replied dryly. "Let's go find Amy."
"My Spanish is iffy at best, but let me take a look." Amy
[Lita] read the note, a little shocked and a lot surprised. Matt and Jeff read
over her shoulder. Towards the end, Jeff stopped reading and left the room.
"Probably to confront Steph," Amy remarked before finishing the note. "Por
favor…please. Digan todos que no echo nadie la culpa de esté. Tell
every one that…I don't give anyone the blame of this. Or, 'Please tell everyone
that I don't blame anyone.'" She was quiet for a few moments, with the three
men straining to hear her mumbling as she worked the message out. "'And give my
stuff to my family.'" Pause. "'Also, Lisa: I love you, because you understood."
Pause. Pause. Pause.
"What's the rest say?" Andrew urged, knowing that there
was more.
Amy looked up at him. "Loosely translated, the last
sentence means, 'I'll see you all in hell.' And judging from the rest of the
note, I think he means it literally."
"What do you mean, he means it literally?" Matt asked.
"As in, he's in hell and he's waiting for all of us to
show up."
"The only people in hell are dead," Steve said, a little
incredulous at Amy's implication. She just stared at him. "Oh shit. You think
he killed himself?"
"Well it's between that and he's disappeared without a
trace, deciding to leave all of his stuff to his family."
"I'd rather believe that."
"We all would. But I just
don't think that's true. Especially since Vince would search to the ends of the
earth to find a missing employee. It's bad publicity if we just disappear." Amy
leaned back on her chair and sighed. "But José was wrong. No matter what he
said, Vince really valued José and was planning on bringing him back in a big
way for this invasion angle. Where did you guys say you found this note?"
"We didn't," Andrew answered. "But it was in the guys'
locker room, kinda just sitting there on the table."
"I wonder…" Matt started. "Oh, never mind."
"What is it?"
"Nothing, just that, if it was just sitting there, he
wanted someone to find it."
"Well duh, Matt. It says so right in the note."
"But he wouldn't have known when it would be found. And we
don't know when he left it. For all we know, he could still be around."
"This is a very morbid conversation," Steve noticed. "But
Matt has a point. We should tell someone and look for him, or something."
"Yeah! C'mon!" Andrew led the way out of the locker room
where they had holed themselves up. As they got up to leave, Amy pulled Matt
aside.
"You don't really believe that, do you?"
"I've got to hope that we didn't lose a colleague and
friend, okay?"
"But we've been at this arena since yesterday. He could
have left it late last night and Drew and Steve could've been the first people
there. Even now it's only 3."
"But he could have left it 5 minutes before they got
there. We've got to look."
"I know that. But I just have the eeriest premonition type
feeling that we're too late."
*Hey guys. I don't know if I was exactly clear on the
matter, but José Seldana wrestles under the name Essa Rios. And I'm sorry if my
Spanish isn't exactly correct, it's been a while since I've needed it.
