WEEK 1, DAY 7
And here was Riker's day of reckoning. The preliminaries were over, and it was time for the real moodswinging show to begin for him. It would, of course, push his emotional responses to the extremes, instead of a normal rational level to start off with. And Riker, being the testosterone-driven being that he is, usually had only one response - violence.
Riker awoke with a painful cramp in his abdomen. He could also feel something gurgling in his groin, a feeling he wasn't very comfortable with. 'What could this be?' he thought, still only half-awake. Then he felt something else, and this was more familiar. 'Ah yes, need to pee.'
Alas for Riker, it wasn't the only thing coming. He casually threw himself off the bed and walked over to his bathroom and relieved himself, but it wasn't long before another completely different liquid came along. This is exactly what he said when he was in there (see if you can guess when he first saw blood):
"-whistle-... ha da da.... ladadadee... Hmm hmm hmm hmmmmm... But don't blame meeEEee.... for falling in love with yooOOOouuuu.... I'm under your spell.... But how can I help it if want t--WHAT THE FUCK!!!?"
Riker broke warp three getting to Sick Bay. 'A problem with my manhood!?' he thought. 'Impossible! Although... maybe it was something from that ambassador we met... really shouldn't be screwing all these alien women, never know what could happen.'
When he got there he was running so fast he was moving faster than the doors were opening, and almost dislocated his shoulder slamming into them. He jumped up onto the examination table, laid himself out on his back ready for inspection, and explained to Beverly exactly what happened.
There was no response. Riker looked up. "Doctor Crusher?" She wasn't there. No one was there. "Computer, give the position of Beverly Crusher."
-chirp- "Beverly Crusher is in her quarters."
"When is she due on duty?"
"Seven hours."
"Oh great!" exclaimed Riker. "Now what am I going to do? What the hell is this?"
"I do not understand. Please rephrase the question." the computer said.
"Oh shut up!"
"Understood."
"Dammit, isn't there an on/off switch for that thing listening to us? Anyway, what the hell is this? I can't talk to one of the other medics, can't let them see Mr. Wunderbar like this... I'll wake her up. This is an emergency!"
Arriving at Dr. Crusher's room, he pressed the entry hailer. No response. He pressed it again. No response again. "The thing's so quiet it couldn't wake anyone up." Clicking his comm badge, he called Crusher directly. "Riker to Crusher, please respond."
There was about a minutes silence, then the voice of Satan replied "Crusher here, this better be good. What is it?"
"Can you come to Sick Bay immediately, there's been an emergency."
"No, I can't come to Sick Bay." it moaned. "I've had an hour's sleep, and right now I couldn't work out 2+2, let alone anything medical. The other orderlies should be there, can't they handle it?"
"Ahhhh... no."
"Why? Who's injured? What happened?" Bev said in sudden alarm.
"Ahhh... I'm the patient, Beverly. It's a delicate matter, and I wanted to discuss it privately."
There was a short pause. "Riker?"
"Yes?"
"If you ever wake me up again, I'll cut your balls off and tell Q they're maracas, do you understand?" Riker heard Beverly's comm badge bounce off her door.
"Selfish bitch!" Riker muttered. "Can't be bothered getting up to help someone in need! What if we returned the favour Beverly? Then where would--"
"Bridge to Riker, where are you? You were supposed to report for duty ten minutes ago!" Picard's anger was still evident even through the comm badge.
"Damn!" Riker shouted at himself. "On my way sir!"
Things on the bridge were uneventful for some time. Riker was getting very toey, and extremely bored. He kept pacing around, throwing himself into his chair, muttering "Come on, something happen!", cleaning his nails and picking his nose (often simultaneously), much to the annoyance of the rest of the crew. Finally, after three hours, there came something to keep Riker occupied. Not long after it would grow to keep most of the rest of the known universe occupied too.
Worf's sandpaper-coarse voice penetrated the silence that pervaded the bridge. "Sir, we are picking up another vessel."
"About bloody time." Riker muttered, looked at the viewscreen. "Data, half impulse power. What is it Worf?"
"Romulan sir. A light cruiser, primarily used a scout ship. It is changing course, heading directly towards us."
"Shields up, go to yellow alert. Get a torpedo lock on it." Riker barked out.
Even Worf looked a bit puzzled at this. Data turned around and said "That action seems somewhat hasty in my opinion sir. We have no idea if their intentions are hostile."
"I'll make the calls here thank you Data." Riker sneered. "This is just a precaution. Worf, get a lock on it, but hold your fire... for the moment."
"Aye sir." Worf announced. "We are being hailed."
"On screen."
The viewscreen changed, and the most smug-looking Romulan Riker had ever seen came into view. To the rest of the crew, it just looked like another ordinary Romulan. Oldish, a veteran of the wars, no doubt. But to Riker, this was a stuck-up little snob who needed a few adjustments to his backside.
"Greetings, human." He began, in a voice which sounded more like he was saying 'You make me sick.' "I am Captain Vaas of the Romulan Empire. What is your business in Romulan space?"
The moodiness pendulum was swinging... wider... wider...
Riker replied in a voice saying 'You pathetic little bucket of snot'. "This is Commander William Riker of the Federation Starship Enterprise. By our charts this is not Romulan space, we are in frontier space. What the hell are you talking about?"
Vaas looked shocked at this affront. What kind of greeting was that? Who does this little pathetic wretch think he is? "I forgive your ignorance, Commander Wiper, but we are here to make sure that you humans do not mess about where you're not supposed to. I repeat, what is your business here in Romulan space?"
He wants a game of one-upmanship, well he'll get one. "And I forgive your senility, Captain Vaastard, but we are here to make sure that you Romulans don't stick your hallucinogen-ridden noses into anyone elses business as you used to. Our business here in this part of FRONTIER space is to leave and return to base. Who are you to ask?"
Every ensign on the bridge was sniggering at this duel, and every officer was hoping this wouldn't start a war, except Data who was still trying to work out what hope was and what was funny. 'What had come over Riker all of a sudden?' most of the bridge was thinking. "Has he been at Worf's Blood Wine again?" an Ensign whispered.
Vaas was somewhat taken back. He resorted to brutal ridicule. "Well I'm very sorry children, but I can't let you play here. You're not allowed out this far into space. Now change course before I give your botty a thorough spanking!" He laughed momentarily before the link was cut and the viewscreen reverted to the Romulan cruiser.
Wider... wider...
For a few seconds all was quiet. Riker was fuming, still staring at the screen, his nostrils flaring.
"Sir," Worf began, "We are receiving a message from the Romulan ship. It appears to be a set of bearings they wish us to continue on. Shall I--"
"No!" Riker shouted. "Don't even think about it! Damnable Romulans trying to tell us what to do! Send a reply."
Worf pressed a few buttons "What is the message sir?"
Riker paused for a few moments. "Fuck you." He said matter-of-factly.
Worf paused for a lot more moments. "Pardon me sir?"
"You heard me, Lieutenant!" Riker shouted, his eyes turning bloodshot. Was he pissed off...
"Yes sir. Message sent." This will start another war, Worf mused. "I think he's been at the dilithium crystals." another Ensign whispered.
"They are hailing us again sir."
"Don't bother with it. Data, continue on previous course." Riker responded dismissively.
"Yes sir."
Worf chirped up again. "Incoming message."
The voice of Vaas echoed around the bridge. He was clearly angry. "How DARE you speak to a Captain of the Romulan Empire with such insolence! I demand an apology..."
"Oh, for fuck's sake!" Riker shouted out.
"...and that you change course to the bearing that we requested immediately!"
Wider... wider...
"I've had enough of this prick." Riker spat out, more rhetorically than anything else. His face was crimson, and his fists were clenched. "Belay that, Data. Worf?"
"Sir?"
"Fire. Two torpedoes, no warning shots."
Worf's eyes widened further than they ever had. The entire bridge turned to him and gasped. Data was the first to protest. "Commander Riker, I again believe that you are acting too aggressively. Both you and Captain Vaas are too enraged to think coherently. Perhaps Captain Picard should negotiate further..."
Riker ignored Data completely. "Fine! I'll do it then." he shouted, and pressed a button on his chair, firing the torpedoes himself. "Now THAT, Data, is effective negotiating. I think you'll find that they'll fall into line pretty quickly now."
The cruiser was completely unprepared. Their shields weren't up and only came up in time to stop the second torpedo. The first shot hit the lower hull, and the second did plenty of damage as well, since the shields were far from fully powered at that stage.
"Report, Mr. Worf?"
Worf was completely dumbfounded. He took a few seconds to get himself together again before answering. "Romulans have sustained heavy damage. Their warp core has been breached, main engineering has been decompressed, estimate 60 casualties. Warp core damage may destroy the entire ship."
"That's much better. Hail them." Riker said without a hint of pleasure. However when he saw Vaas's face on the viewscreen, his smile beamed out.
"What the hell are you doing you stupid bastard!!?" Vaas spluttered, his finely-chiseled face contorted in rage. "Firing on us like that, what's your problem?"
Riker responded in tones of mock pride. "How DARE you speak to a Commander of the Federation with such insolence! I demand an apology, and that you stop behaving like a stuck-up little dickwhacker immediately!"
Vaas looked stunned. "I... I... but... huh..." he stammered for a while.
Riker turned around. "Turn it off Worf. Data, continue previous course, warp three. Right, now that's more like it... about time we showed what we're capable of... show them all that we can stand up for ourselves... for what is right... fed up with that Picard and his hippie attitude to combat, I don't know. Data! How many times has Picard surrendered to any attackers?"
"Seven, sir."
"See?" Riker exclaimed. "The man's a weakling! He simply refuses to stand up and fight! Always the bloody diplomat. Oh yes, he can over-annunciate and sound very poetic, how wonderful. Tell that to a Klingon warlord! Makes me sick."
A long pause followed. Riker turned from Data and looked at Worf, who was avoiding Riker's looks at all costs. 'What's going on here?' thought Riker.
"It is interesting to hear your opinions on my style of command, Riker." Picard stated. He'd come in after he saw the torpedo shots to find out just what was going on. "And having just witnessed yours, I find your views somewhat lacking depth, Lieutenant."
Riker stared back at Picard. "Commander, sir."
"Nothing is forever, William." Picard warned. "Data, you have the conn. Oh, and Data, disregard any advice the Commander may have given you today. Riker... follow me..."
As it turned out, Riker did not start a war thanks to his actions - at least not an official one, anyway - however it was largely thanks to him that the Romulan Empire was so successful in the next round of negotiations over control of the Neutral Zone. When initially questioned on his actions he was completely unrepentant - like a motorist who shoots another motorist whilst in a road rage, and then tells the judge "No one gives me the finger!"
Within three weeks, the Enterprise was rated the second most dangerous thing in the universe ahead of the entire Borg collective, pipped at the post only by an ill-advised follow-up to the Voyager probe; an ancient Earth satellite which broadcast Spice Girls songs in a somewhat misguided attempt to be friendly. No one dared face that. This probe was, in fact, the sole cause for the Borg attempt to exterminate humanity by attacking the Cochrane rocket.
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WEEK 2, DAY 2
Beverly decided to answer Picard & Riker's questions about what was happening to them. This is going to be wonderful, just seeing their faces - how the hell am I going to keep a straight face? But seriously, how do I explain it? I can hardly tell them I did it. What about...
"Captain, Commander" Beverly greeted them both in turn. "I have managed to find out why you are suffering from the urinal bleeding, amongst other things."
"Yes..." Riker prompted.
Beverly paused for effect. Quickly looking at both of them, she forewarned "You are not going to believe this."
"Well let's find out, shall we?"
"Okay. From what I have gathered, you are both showing every sign of going through the menstrual cycle."
Both the men froze in disbelief. Menstrual? Isn't that... no, it can't be! But, what else? "Sorry?" ventured Riker.
"You are having periods."
Riker passed out on the spot. Picard had a nervous breakdown on the spot (today he had a period). "WHAT!?"
"That's exactly it. You are having periods. Don't ask me how, but you are."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, I'm sure. You both show every sign of it. The pre-menstrual tension, cramps, the blood matches. It's all there."
"But... butbutbut..." Picard was searching for an excuse. He settled on "But that's impossible!"
"I know. But it's happening."
"How!?"
Beverly assumed a confused look. "I can't be sure. We did go through that nebula cloud with an unknown radiation type the day before you got your first flow, didn't we?"
"Yes we did... could that have done it?" Poor Picard was desperately trying to find something certain to cling onto.
Beverly smiled. 'If the worst came to the worst, I can still blame something else and have no retribution whatsoever.' "That's all I can think of. Now I don't know if it's affected anyone else," Hold in the smile, Beverly, don't crack up now, this is supposed to be serious, "so I'll be doing some checks later on. But in the meantime, you need to know your cycle. I'll tell Riker about it later."
"Cycles? Sorry Beverly, but I'm not big on the terminology."
Beverly let out an impatient breath. How could they be so ignorant? She took up the voice of a parent trying to teach a child how to count to two. "Okay, you now have what's called a menstrual cycle. This ends when you have your period, and then starts again. Hence, cycle. Understand?"
Picard nodded. "Okay, so how long does my cycle take to repeat itself?"
Again, Beverly got annoyed. Well how long was it between the first and the second periods you idiot! "Three days. That's unbelievably short I might add."
"But why is it this bad? I mean, you don't behave this irrationally at that time, do you?"
"No Captain... but your mind and body are not used to this sort of thing at all. Quite a suprise, yes?"
"Very much so."
"Not to mention the fact that such a strong emotional rush is not something you're used to. Your responses are, quite understandably, a lot stronger that the typical one. The radiation might also be a factor."
Picard's head slumped. "This is all my fault." he said to his palms. ('Oooh, how right you are' Beverly thought.) "I told Riker to go through the cloud, what was I thinking? I was just so tired then, I couldn't make a good decision..." he trailed off. He blathered on for a while longer, before his dignity came back to him. "No matter then. How long is Riker's cycle?"
"A week sir. I've created a calendar so that you'll know both when your future periods are, and also when any other crewmembers have theirs. You will, of course, need to know since you're the commanding officer."
"How do you know there will be other crewmembers with it?" Picard asked.
Think quickly Beverly. "If this radiation cloud caused this problem, and it is the only known probable cause, then it would hardly affect only two crewmembers. There will have to be more, and I shall add them as soon as I know who they are & what their cycle is."
"Yes." Picard seemed satisfied with her answer. "Well, can you give me something to stop them then?"
Beverly looked baffled. "No sir, there is no way to stop them."
"Nothing?"
"No sir."
"Well find something then! I'm not going around like this all the time, understood? It's a nuisance!"
Oh, is that all it is? You'll see... "Yes Captain."
"Thank you doctor, keep up the good work." Picard stated, and pompously marched away.
Beverly paused for a few seconds "I think after a while, your attitude will change Jean-Luc." She smiled, and looked down at the still motionless Riker. "And I know yours will."
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WEEK 2, DAY 7
Picard was checking the calendar more than his logbook lately. It was concerning him that more and more names were slowly being added to it. It was getting crowded. A few days were utterly jam-packed, sometimes entire sections would be out of action. But today, how bad would today be?
Looking down the list, he ticked off the victims. "Forrester, Engineering... Reynolds, Security... Riker, 2IC... Riker? Oh dear..." his voice trailed off.
"I'm pre-menstrual, and Riker's is today. Well, that doesn't matter! What difference could that make?" said Picard in carefree tones.
Suddenly the room seemed awfully silent. As if the walls were horrified by his question. The silence gave Picard his answer - it could make a HUGE difference.
He would soon learn it the hardest way.
By the end of the day, the Enterprise had disabled a Klingon warbird, two Romulan ships, and their helmsman when he set the speed to Warp 6.5 instead of 6.4 . Riker and Picard had been arguing for most of their shift, some of which proved comical, some of which proved almost maniacal. So far Riker had attempted to start a mutiny twice, challenged Picard to a duel, and dismissed half the bridge crew. Picard had demoted Riker seventeen times, relieved him from duty four times, discharged him from Starfleet twice, and dismissed the other half of the bridge crew.
In the middle of a conversation with a Starfleet Captain, Riker took objection to a completely innocent remark and immediately closed comms, and beamed over the entire ship's stock of communicable disease specimens the medical lab had for research, and made sure the glass containers didn't go over.
Admiral Loenitz had tried to contact the Enterprise, and upon opening channels he saw two command officers alone on the bridge arguing about who should have pressed the open channel button. They ignored the Admiral completely, and when he tried to get their attention, the reply was "Do you mind? We're trying to have a serious discussion here!" In the end, they hung up on him.
The next day Picard wondered why the confidence in his command was so low all of a sudden. He decided to prove his worth by challenging the entire bridge to an arm-wrestling competition. They politely declined, and simultaneously checked when they'd be going off duty.
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WEEK 3, DAY 2
The joy of revenge faded pretty quickly for Beverly. Having the commander of the ship in such an unbalanced state as Picard was making life dangerous. Maybe it wasn't such a good idea after all. 'I need to find a cure.' Bev thought. "It shouldn't be too hard, I know the basic chemical matrix of the cause, a counter-agent should be simple."
There had been little progress. Beverly had managed to ease the discomfort slightly by supplying some kind of sanitary pads to the affected crewmembers. Unfortunately, given the 'point of exit', the mechanics of the design, the tightness of the uniform and the fact that the men had no idea how to use these things, those who used them walked around with a suspicious looking bulge. Lt. Junior Grade Harrisburg had such a heavy flow he thought it best that he wore three at a time, and as such gave himself such a huge lump that many ladies made his acquaintance, only to be disappointed later.
Picard was having one of his very few good days, in-between period and PMT. He seemed very nervous about what was going on, since he didn't have much of an idea of what it was. Stepping into Sick Bay, he walked up to Beverly.
"Doctor Crusher?"
His monotone sounds very different now, thought Crusher. She couldn't help but smile as she looked up. "Yes sir, what is it?"
"Have you... um... learnt any more about this 'male menstruation', as you call it?"
"Not a lot, I'm afraid sir. It just seems more than a coincidence that we encountered the nebula cloud just when it started, that must be the cause. There is no other way."
"Quite." agreed Picard. "How bad is the problem?"
"Well, it's only affected the males from what I can tell, and at the last count 72 of the crew were suffering from it to various degrees, and I expect to find a lot more in the next few weeks."
"Good lord..."
"But I do know that not all the male crew is affected, but I'm afraid most of them are. I can't give much in the way of specific figures yet."
"No matter. Are any other high officers affected, apart from Riker?"
"Yes. Worf and Geordi also show signs of the condition. Riker's is particularly severe, although not as bad as yours."
"Yes. And Data?"
"No sir, he's showing no traces of it."
"Good. I'll let you get back to work. Just how much information have you managed to find?"
"So far I've isolated the chemical that caused it. I can reproduce it, but I have no idea how it came to enter the bloodstream."
"That's not important right now." Picard stated. "Just find some way to stop it."
"Aye sir."
"Thank you." he said without a hint of a smile. Turning on his heel he strode purposefully out of Sick Bay as if nothing was the matter at all. He had to at least give some form of illusion that he was in control - even if it was for only one day out of three.
Beverly shook her head. "How did I come to like that man?"
And here was Riker's day of reckoning. The preliminaries were over, and it was time for the real moodswinging show to begin for him. It would, of course, push his emotional responses to the extremes, instead of a normal rational level to start off with. And Riker, being the testosterone-driven being that he is, usually had only one response - violence.
Riker awoke with a painful cramp in his abdomen. He could also feel something gurgling in his groin, a feeling he wasn't very comfortable with. 'What could this be?' he thought, still only half-awake. Then he felt something else, and this was more familiar. 'Ah yes, need to pee.'
Alas for Riker, it wasn't the only thing coming. He casually threw himself off the bed and walked over to his bathroom and relieved himself, but it wasn't long before another completely different liquid came along. This is exactly what he said when he was in there (see if you can guess when he first saw blood):
"-whistle-... ha da da.... ladadadee... Hmm hmm hmm hmmmmm... But don't blame meeEEee.... for falling in love with yooOOOouuuu.... I'm under your spell.... But how can I help it if want t--WHAT THE FUCK!!!?"
Riker broke warp three getting to Sick Bay. 'A problem with my manhood!?' he thought. 'Impossible! Although... maybe it was something from that ambassador we met... really shouldn't be screwing all these alien women, never know what could happen.'
When he got there he was running so fast he was moving faster than the doors were opening, and almost dislocated his shoulder slamming into them. He jumped up onto the examination table, laid himself out on his back ready for inspection, and explained to Beverly exactly what happened.
There was no response. Riker looked up. "Doctor Crusher?" She wasn't there. No one was there. "Computer, give the position of Beverly Crusher."
-chirp- "Beverly Crusher is in her quarters."
"When is she due on duty?"
"Seven hours."
"Oh great!" exclaimed Riker. "Now what am I going to do? What the hell is this?"
"I do not understand. Please rephrase the question." the computer said.
"Oh shut up!"
"Understood."
"Dammit, isn't there an on/off switch for that thing listening to us? Anyway, what the hell is this? I can't talk to one of the other medics, can't let them see Mr. Wunderbar like this... I'll wake her up. This is an emergency!"
Arriving at Dr. Crusher's room, he pressed the entry hailer. No response. He pressed it again. No response again. "The thing's so quiet it couldn't wake anyone up." Clicking his comm badge, he called Crusher directly. "Riker to Crusher, please respond."
There was about a minutes silence, then the voice of Satan replied "Crusher here, this better be good. What is it?"
"Can you come to Sick Bay immediately, there's been an emergency."
"No, I can't come to Sick Bay." it moaned. "I've had an hour's sleep, and right now I couldn't work out 2+2, let alone anything medical. The other orderlies should be there, can't they handle it?"
"Ahhhh... no."
"Why? Who's injured? What happened?" Bev said in sudden alarm.
"Ahhh... I'm the patient, Beverly. It's a delicate matter, and I wanted to discuss it privately."
There was a short pause. "Riker?"
"Yes?"
"If you ever wake me up again, I'll cut your balls off and tell Q they're maracas, do you understand?" Riker heard Beverly's comm badge bounce off her door.
"Selfish bitch!" Riker muttered. "Can't be bothered getting up to help someone in need! What if we returned the favour Beverly? Then where would--"
"Bridge to Riker, where are you? You were supposed to report for duty ten minutes ago!" Picard's anger was still evident even through the comm badge.
"Damn!" Riker shouted at himself. "On my way sir!"
Things on the bridge were uneventful for some time. Riker was getting very toey, and extremely bored. He kept pacing around, throwing himself into his chair, muttering "Come on, something happen!", cleaning his nails and picking his nose (often simultaneously), much to the annoyance of the rest of the crew. Finally, after three hours, there came something to keep Riker occupied. Not long after it would grow to keep most of the rest of the known universe occupied too.
Worf's sandpaper-coarse voice penetrated the silence that pervaded the bridge. "Sir, we are picking up another vessel."
"About bloody time." Riker muttered, looked at the viewscreen. "Data, half impulse power. What is it Worf?"
"Romulan sir. A light cruiser, primarily used a scout ship. It is changing course, heading directly towards us."
"Shields up, go to yellow alert. Get a torpedo lock on it." Riker barked out.
Even Worf looked a bit puzzled at this. Data turned around and said "That action seems somewhat hasty in my opinion sir. We have no idea if their intentions are hostile."
"I'll make the calls here thank you Data." Riker sneered. "This is just a precaution. Worf, get a lock on it, but hold your fire... for the moment."
"Aye sir." Worf announced. "We are being hailed."
"On screen."
The viewscreen changed, and the most smug-looking Romulan Riker had ever seen came into view. To the rest of the crew, it just looked like another ordinary Romulan. Oldish, a veteran of the wars, no doubt. But to Riker, this was a stuck-up little snob who needed a few adjustments to his backside.
"Greetings, human." He began, in a voice which sounded more like he was saying 'You make me sick.' "I am Captain Vaas of the Romulan Empire. What is your business in Romulan space?"
The moodiness pendulum was swinging... wider... wider...
Riker replied in a voice saying 'You pathetic little bucket of snot'. "This is Commander William Riker of the Federation Starship Enterprise. By our charts this is not Romulan space, we are in frontier space. What the hell are you talking about?"
Vaas looked shocked at this affront. What kind of greeting was that? Who does this little pathetic wretch think he is? "I forgive your ignorance, Commander Wiper, but we are here to make sure that you humans do not mess about where you're not supposed to. I repeat, what is your business here in Romulan space?"
He wants a game of one-upmanship, well he'll get one. "And I forgive your senility, Captain Vaastard, but we are here to make sure that you Romulans don't stick your hallucinogen-ridden noses into anyone elses business as you used to. Our business here in this part of FRONTIER space is to leave and return to base. Who are you to ask?"
Every ensign on the bridge was sniggering at this duel, and every officer was hoping this wouldn't start a war, except Data who was still trying to work out what hope was and what was funny. 'What had come over Riker all of a sudden?' most of the bridge was thinking. "Has he been at Worf's Blood Wine again?" an Ensign whispered.
Vaas was somewhat taken back. He resorted to brutal ridicule. "Well I'm very sorry children, but I can't let you play here. You're not allowed out this far into space. Now change course before I give your botty a thorough spanking!" He laughed momentarily before the link was cut and the viewscreen reverted to the Romulan cruiser.
Wider... wider...
For a few seconds all was quiet. Riker was fuming, still staring at the screen, his nostrils flaring.
"Sir," Worf began, "We are receiving a message from the Romulan ship. It appears to be a set of bearings they wish us to continue on. Shall I--"
"No!" Riker shouted. "Don't even think about it! Damnable Romulans trying to tell us what to do! Send a reply."
Worf pressed a few buttons "What is the message sir?"
Riker paused for a few moments. "Fuck you." He said matter-of-factly.
Worf paused for a lot more moments. "Pardon me sir?"
"You heard me, Lieutenant!" Riker shouted, his eyes turning bloodshot. Was he pissed off...
"Yes sir. Message sent." This will start another war, Worf mused. "I think he's been at the dilithium crystals." another Ensign whispered.
"They are hailing us again sir."
"Don't bother with it. Data, continue on previous course." Riker responded dismissively.
"Yes sir."
Worf chirped up again. "Incoming message."
The voice of Vaas echoed around the bridge. He was clearly angry. "How DARE you speak to a Captain of the Romulan Empire with such insolence! I demand an apology..."
"Oh, for fuck's sake!" Riker shouted out.
"...and that you change course to the bearing that we requested immediately!"
Wider... wider...
"I've had enough of this prick." Riker spat out, more rhetorically than anything else. His face was crimson, and his fists were clenched. "Belay that, Data. Worf?"
"Sir?"
"Fire. Two torpedoes, no warning shots."
Worf's eyes widened further than they ever had. The entire bridge turned to him and gasped. Data was the first to protest. "Commander Riker, I again believe that you are acting too aggressively. Both you and Captain Vaas are too enraged to think coherently. Perhaps Captain Picard should negotiate further..."
Riker ignored Data completely. "Fine! I'll do it then." he shouted, and pressed a button on his chair, firing the torpedoes himself. "Now THAT, Data, is effective negotiating. I think you'll find that they'll fall into line pretty quickly now."
The cruiser was completely unprepared. Their shields weren't up and only came up in time to stop the second torpedo. The first shot hit the lower hull, and the second did plenty of damage as well, since the shields were far from fully powered at that stage.
"Report, Mr. Worf?"
Worf was completely dumbfounded. He took a few seconds to get himself together again before answering. "Romulans have sustained heavy damage. Their warp core has been breached, main engineering has been decompressed, estimate 60 casualties. Warp core damage may destroy the entire ship."
"That's much better. Hail them." Riker said without a hint of pleasure. However when he saw Vaas's face on the viewscreen, his smile beamed out.
"What the hell are you doing you stupid bastard!!?" Vaas spluttered, his finely-chiseled face contorted in rage. "Firing on us like that, what's your problem?"
Riker responded in tones of mock pride. "How DARE you speak to a Commander of the Federation with such insolence! I demand an apology, and that you stop behaving like a stuck-up little dickwhacker immediately!"
Vaas looked stunned. "I... I... but... huh..." he stammered for a while.
Riker turned around. "Turn it off Worf. Data, continue previous course, warp three. Right, now that's more like it... about time we showed what we're capable of... show them all that we can stand up for ourselves... for what is right... fed up with that Picard and his hippie attitude to combat, I don't know. Data! How many times has Picard surrendered to any attackers?"
"Seven, sir."
"See?" Riker exclaimed. "The man's a weakling! He simply refuses to stand up and fight! Always the bloody diplomat. Oh yes, he can over-annunciate and sound very poetic, how wonderful. Tell that to a Klingon warlord! Makes me sick."
A long pause followed. Riker turned from Data and looked at Worf, who was avoiding Riker's looks at all costs. 'What's going on here?' thought Riker.
"It is interesting to hear your opinions on my style of command, Riker." Picard stated. He'd come in after he saw the torpedo shots to find out just what was going on. "And having just witnessed yours, I find your views somewhat lacking depth, Lieutenant."
Riker stared back at Picard. "Commander, sir."
"Nothing is forever, William." Picard warned. "Data, you have the conn. Oh, and Data, disregard any advice the Commander may have given you today. Riker... follow me..."
As it turned out, Riker did not start a war thanks to his actions - at least not an official one, anyway - however it was largely thanks to him that the Romulan Empire was so successful in the next round of negotiations over control of the Neutral Zone. When initially questioned on his actions he was completely unrepentant - like a motorist who shoots another motorist whilst in a road rage, and then tells the judge "No one gives me the finger!"
Within three weeks, the Enterprise was rated the second most dangerous thing in the universe ahead of the entire Borg collective, pipped at the post only by an ill-advised follow-up to the Voyager probe; an ancient Earth satellite which broadcast Spice Girls songs in a somewhat misguided attempt to be friendly. No one dared face that. This probe was, in fact, the sole cause for the Borg attempt to exterminate humanity by attacking the Cochrane rocket.
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WEEK 2, DAY 2
Beverly decided to answer Picard & Riker's questions about what was happening to them. This is going to be wonderful, just seeing their faces - how the hell am I going to keep a straight face? But seriously, how do I explain it? I can hardly tell them I did it. What about...
"Captain, Commander" Beverly greeted them both in turn. "I have managed to find out why you are suffering from the urinal bleeding, amongst other things."
"Yes..." Riker prompted.
Beverly paused for effect. Quickly looking at both of them, she forewarned "You are not going to believe this."
"Well let's find out, shall we?"
"Okay. From what I have gathered, you are both showing every sign of going through the menstrual cycle."
Both the men froze in disbelief. Menstrual? Isn't that... no, it can't be! But, what else? "Sorry?" ventured Riker.
"You are having periods."
Riker passed out on the spot. Picard had a nervous breakdown on the spot (today he had a period). "WHAT!?"
"That's exactly it. You are having periods. Don't ask me how, but you are."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, I'm sure. You both show every sign of it. The pre-menstrual tension, cramps, the blood matches. It's all there."
"But... butbutbut..." Picard was searching for an excuse. He settled on "But that's impossible!"
"I know. But it's happening."
"How!?"
Beverly assumed a confused look. "I can't be sure. We did go through that nebula cloud with an unknown radiation type the day before you got your first flow, didn't we?"
"Yes we did... could that have done it?" Poor Picard was desperately trying to find something certain to cling onto.
Beverly smiled. 'If the worst came to the worst, I can still blame something else and have no retribution whatsoever.' "That's all I can think of. Now I don't know if it's affected anyone else," Hold in the smile, Beverly, don't crack up now, this is supposed to be serious, "so I'll be doing some checks later on. But in the meantime, you need to know your cycle. I'll tell Riker about it later."
"Cycles? Sorry Beverly, but I'm not big on the terminology."
Beverly let out an impatient breath. How could they be so ignorant? She took up the voice of a parent trying to teach a child how to count to two. "Okay, you now have what's called a menstrual cycle. This ends when you have your period, and then starts again. Hence, cycle. Understand?"
Picard nodded. "Okay, so how long does my cycle take to repeat itself?"
Again, Beverly got annoyed. Well how long was it between the first and the second periods you idiot! "Three days. That's unbelievably short I might add."
"But why is it this bad? I mean, you don't behave this irrationally at that time, do you?"
"No Captain... but your mind and body are not used to this sort of thing at all. Quite a suprise, yes?"
"Very much so."
"Not to mention the fact that such a strong emotional rush is not something you're used to. Your responses are, quite understandably, a lot stronger that the typical one. The radiation might also be a factor."
Picard's head slumped. "This is all my fault." he said to his palms. ('Oooh, how right you are' Beverly thought.) "I told Riker to go through the cloud, what was I thinking? I was just so tired then, I couldn't make a good decision..." he trailed off. He blathered on for a while longer, before his dignity came back to him. "No matter then. How long is Riker's cycle?"
"A week sir. I've created a calendar so that you'll know both when your future periods are, and also when any other crewmembers have theirs. You will, of course, need to know since you're the commanding officer."
"How do you know there will be other crewmembers with it?" Picard asked.
Think quickly Beverly. "If this radiation cloud caused this problem, and it is the only known probable cause, then it would hardly affect only two crewmembers. There will have to be more, and I shall add them as soon as I know who they are & what their cycle is."
"Yes." Picard seemed satisfied with her answer. "Well, can you give me something to stop them then?"
Beverly looked baffled. "No sir, there is no way to stop them."
"Nothing?"
"No sir."
"Well find something then! I'm not going around like this all the time, understood? It's a nuisance!"
Oh, is that all it is? You'll see... "Yes Captain."
"Thank you doctor, keep up the good work." Picard stated, and pompously marched away.
Beverly paused for a few seconds "I think after a while, your attitude will change Jean-Luc." She smiled, and looked down at the still motionless Riker. "And I know yours will."
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WEEK 2, DAY 7
Picard was checking the calendar more than his logbook lately. It was concerning him that more and more names were slowly being added to it. It was getting crowded. A few days were utterly jam-packed, sometimes entire sections would be out of action. But today, how bad would today be?
Looking down the list, he ticked off the victims. "Forrester, Engineering... Reynolds, Security... Riker, 2IC... Riker? Oh dear..." his voice trailed off.
"I'm pre-menstrual, and Riker's is today. Well, that doesn't matter! What difference could that make?" said Picard in carefree tones.
Suddenly the room seemed awfully silent. As if the walls were horrified by his question. The silence gave Picard his answer - it could make a HUGE difference.
He would soon learn it the hardest way.
By the end of the day, the Enterprise had disabled a Klingon warbird, two Romulan ships, and their helmsman when he set the speed to Warp 6.5 instead of 6.4 . Riker and Picard had been arguing for most of their shift, some of which proved comical, some of which proved almost maniacal. So far Riker had attempted to start a mutiny twice, challenged Picard to a duel, and dismissed half the bridge crew. Picard had demoted Riker seventeen times, relieved him from duty four times, discharged him from Starfleet twice, and dismissed the other half of the bridge crew.
In the middle of a conversation with a Starfleet Captain, Riker took objection to a completely innocent remark and immediately closed comms, and beamed over the entire ship's stock of communicable disease specimens the medical lab had for research, and made sure the glass containers didn't go over.
Admiral Loenitz had tried to contact the Enterprise, and upon opening channels he saw two command officers alone on the bridge arguing about who should have pressed the open channel button. They ignored the Admiral completely, and when he tried to get their attention, the reply was "Do you mind? We're trying to have a serious discussion here!" In the end, they hung up on him.
The next day Picard wondered why the confidence in his command was so low all of a sudden. He decided to prove his worth by challenging the entire bridge to an arm-wrestling competition. They politely declined, and simultaneously checked when they'd be going off duty.
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WEEK 3, DAY 2
The joy of revenge faded pretty quickly for Beverly. Having the commander of the ship in such an unbalanced state as Picard was making life dangerous. Maybe it wasn't such a good idea after all. 'I need to find a cure.' Bev thought. "It shouldn't be too hard, I know the basic chemical matrix of the cause, a counter-agent should be simple."
There had been little progress. Beverly had managed to ease the discomfort slightly by supplying some kind of sanitary pads to the affected crewmembers. Unfortunately, given the 'point of exit', the mechanics of the design, the tightness of the uniform and the fact that the men had no idea how to use these things, those who used them walked around with a suspicious looking bulge. Lt. Junior Grade Harrisburg had such a heavy flow he thought it best that he wore three at a time, and as such gave himself such a huge lump that many ladies made his acquaintance, only to be disappointed later.
Picard was having one of his very few good days, in-between period and PMT. He seemed very nervous about what was going on, since he didn't have much of an idea of what it was. Stepping into Sick Bay, he walked up to Beverly.
"Doctor Crusher?"
His monotone sounds very different now, thought Crusher. She couldn't help but smile as she looked up. "Yes sir, what is it?"
"Have you... um... learnt any more about this 'male menstruation', as you call it?"
"Not a lot, I'm afraid sir. It just seems more than a coincidence that we encountered the nebula cloud just when it started, that must be the cause. There is no other way."
"Quite." agreed Picard. "How bad is the problem?"
"Well, it's only affected the males from what I can tell, and at the last count 72 of the crew were suffering from it to various degrees, and I expect to find a lot more in the next few weeks."
"Good lord..."
"But I do know that not all the male crew is affected, but I'm afraid most of them are. I can't give much in the way of specific figures yet."
"No matter. Are any other high officers affected, apart from Riker?"
"Yes. Worf and Geordi also show signs of the condition. Riker's is particularly severe, although not as bad as yours."
"Yes. And Data?"
"No sir, he's showing no traces of it."
"Good. I'll let you get back to work. Just how much information have you managed to find?"
"So far I've isolated the chemical that caused it. I can reproduce it, but I have no idea how it came to enter the bloodstream."
"That's not important right now." Picard stated. "Just find some way to stop it."
"Aye sir."
"Thank you." he said without a hint of a smile. Turning on his heel he strode purposefully out of Sick Bay as if nothing was the matter at all. He had to at least give some form of illusion that he was in control - even if it was for only one day out of three.
Beverly shook her head. "How did I come to like that man?"