Notes: Yes, as the title suggests, I typed this on my calculator during math class because my muse kept whacking me over the head with it, so if there are any grammatical errors or apostrophes missing that I missed, it's because of that. Feedback required, even if you just want to yell at me.
This was inspired, I think, by a really old post to one of the egroups Farscape lists, I don't remember which one.. It was back when "Survivor" was in its third or fourth week, I think. I am of course, exaggerating about characterizations, and if I offend anyone, I'm sorry. I was not able to find the original posts, I was referring to, but I will summarize them at the end of the fic.
Spoilers for "Home on the Remains", "Won't Get Fooled Again."
**************
Crichton and Aeryn are running away from a mob of people that are yelling and shooting at them.
"Murderers!"
"Monsters!"
It took a miracle for John and Aeryn to make it back to the pod unharmed but somehow they managed to. They were barely able to get the pod door closed before it was hit with the fire of a pulse pistol. The adrenaline rush over, they collapsed in their seats and Aeryn started the takeoff sequence.
"What the frell was that?" John demanded
"Those were Petavoids, Crichton."
She stopped there as if that explained everything. It didn't.
"So?"
"The entire Petavoidian society is crazy, Crichton. Anytime they see anything involving what they consider to be cruelty to lower lifeforms they go on a rampage."
"So? What did we do to them?"
"We're wearing leather, Crichton."
"Oh great. It's the attack of the fashion police. Aren't they being a little extreme?"
"Everything about them is extreme. They once killed a man for eating a rodent when his shuttle crash-landed on a planet devoid of civilization and almost no edible plant life."
"Jeez that's bad. We in range yet?"
"Just came into range."
"Pilot, we're going to need starburst as soon as we board."
"Yes commander. What's the problem?"
"We have Petavians after us"
"Commander?"
"Petavoids" Aeryn corrected.
"Oh that's bad. Very bad."
"Yes it is bad. So that's why we need starburst."
"Okie dokie."
"Alrighty then."
"Deploying docking now."
After the pod was safely aboard and John and Aeryn had exited it they heard pilot say "prepare for starburst"
The starburst was smoother than usual and not too long, but as always, *something* had to go wrong.
Pilot's voice came over the comm system bearing bad news yet once again
"The Petavoidian ship was caught in starburst with us. They're charging weapons! Brace for impact!"
Everyone held on to something built into Moya, except for John and Aeryn, who held on to each other. Oddly though, Moya never shook, but everyone on Moya blacked out.
**************
When Crichton wakes up, he finds he is tied to a chair, which always seems to happen to him.
"John Crichton."
Crichton's eyes darted back and forth searching for the source of the sound. They settled on a spot slightly to his left. He took the opportunity to study the Petavian. He hadn't gotten a good look at them on the commerce planet on account of the fact that he'd been running away.
The Petavian was surprisingly human-looking or sebbacean-looking depending on what side of the universe you come from. The alien could easily pass for either.
"Hi, my name is Janice. Ill be your torturer for today."
"Only today? What about tomorrow?"
"My subjects don't usually survive through the first night."
"Oh."
"Shall we begin, butcherer?"
"Actually I'd rather wait awhile."
"Sorry I'm on a tight schedule. I have an appointment to picket Warner Brothers and Nintendo to stop forcing poor little Pokemon to fight each other."
"Sorry if I delay you."
"You wont, murderer"
"You know, I'm not quite sure why you keep calling me that. I didn't kill any of the animals I'm wearing."
"How stupid can you be? If people don't use animal products, then there's no market for them. If there's no market for them, they don't get made. They don't get made, innocent animals don't get slaughtered."
"But I didn't ask for these clothes. They were already on the ship and already made. Would you rather have had them go to waste? All my own clothes, which happen to have been cotton by the way, are all worn out. Would you rather have me walk around the ship naked?"
Janice tilted her head and gave Crichton a funny look.
"Yessss."
"Look, forget I asked. What I want to know is where are the others and what do you want with us?"
"We want to kill you, of course. Didn't I already make this clear?"
"Crystal."
"Very well then." With that, Janice pulled out a rectangular piece of plastic about an inch high and roughly a half-foot in length. Janice then stuck the thing into the wall, under they clamshell. An image appeared onscreen and Crichton immediately started whimpering.
"No...please...make it stop..."
The screen read only, "Black Scorpion."
"Arghhhhhhhhh"
"Enjoy, murderer. I have to check to see how your friends are doing."
Janice lifted her comm to her mouth. "Report." She barked.
Janice was silent for a long time before she finally said, "Are you sure she's telling the truth?"
After a few more moments, Janice lowered her comm and smiled.
"Today is a lucky day, Crichton...for us that is. Officer sun kindly told us about someone with a leather fetish. Scorpius, I believe? Unfortunately, since we're on such a tight schedule, we have to choose who to torture, and fetishes take top priority."
"So what happens to us now? Do you let us go?" Crichton asked, tears streaming down his face from the pain that watching Black Scorpion caused.
"Not likely. You're going to stay right where you are. You'll still be dead by tomorrow. The only reason that this is unfortunate is that I won't be able to watch."
"Awww, that's too bad, I wish there was something I could do"
"You can shut up and die, murd-"
Its pretty obvious what Janice was going to say, but she wasn't allowed to, because at that moment, she was interrupted by a blood-coagulating scream coming over the comm.
Janice excused herself and ran off to check on her colleague.
And Crichton was left alone to his Black Scorpion.
"Turn it off! Turn it off! Turn it off! Turn it off! Turn it off!"
**************
"What is it, Susan?" Asked Jan as she ran into the kitchen to find her friend, Susan, sobbing on the floor.
"Look Jan." Said sue, pointing to what passed for a refrigeration unit. "Look at what they did to that poor defenseless keedva."
"They will pay for this, I swear it" sputtered Janice, growing enraged. "In the name of the divine slaughtered, I curse them to forever run from their enemies. If not today or by our hand, they will live in constant fear and never have a moments peace, a punishment far worse than any death."
**************
"Save me Crichton, you can't let them hurt me"
"And why should I care what they do to you Scorpy? Ever think that I might want you dead?"
"When it comes to something putting my life in jeopardy, you'll find that you don't really have a choice, John...
**************
"Are you sure this is the right thing to do Jan? Why not just let the programming take its course?"
"Because now I want him to suffer, and he can't suffer if he's dead."
Jan and Sue entered the room to find that the program was already off.
"There must have been some type of power surge." Said Jan, looking over the equipment
"Power surge is right, girls. I shot the frelling thing out."
Jan and Sue turned around sharply and saw Crichton rise out of his chair with a gun trained on either of them.
"Heeeeres Johnny"
"How did you get out?"
"Optimum illusions" and with that he fired. Wynonna and her companion Betty were both good guns, and john is a good shot, so I don't feel I really need to explain what happened to the two Petavoids.
**************
"You guys okay?" John asked, opening up the cell where everyone was located, this happening only after he had run around the ship, high on Scorpius, killing all the Petavoids in sight.
"We're fine", Zhaan said, "fortunately they locked us up instead of submitting us to that torture."
"And what about you, Aeryn?"
"They let me go after I told them about Scorpius. I couldn't take it anymore. They were making me watch Barney"
"Damn, that's worse than what they did to me."
"So how did you escape?" D'argo asked.
"You know, I really don't know. I don't remember much. I must have blocked such a traumatic experience"
*I'll be with you always, keeping you safe*
And since, the curse was nothing that they weren't already living, they all went on with their lives.
And since Jan and Sue and all the others never made it to their meeting, countless pokemon continued to die needlessly.
The end
THE POSTS THAT INSPIRED THIS FIC:
#1) A post stating that Farscape was being picketed by PETA for depicting cruelty to animals by serving up keedva meat.
#2) Another post a couple days later, by the same person, saying that she/he found out the first one was a joke and that PETA had actually picketed CBS for "Survivor" because people were killing rats by having their heads bashed in and eating them.
OTHER THINGS THAT "INSPIRED" THIS FIC:
I just got sick of people picketing Farscape, whether it's true or not. A while back someone said that people were picketing Farscape because it taught children that inhaling helium would make their voice higher. Can you believe that?
This was inspired, I think, by a really old post to one of the egroups Farscape lists, I don't remember which one.. It was back when "Survivor" was in its third or fourth week, I think. I am of course, exaggerating about characterizations, and if I offend anyone, I'm sorry. I was not able to find the original posts, I was referring to, but I will summarize them at the end of the fic.
Spoilers for "Home on the Remains", "Won't Get Fooled Again."
**************
Crichton and Aeryn are running away from a mob of people that are yelling and shooting at them.
"Murderers!"
"Monsters!"
It took a miracle for John and Aeryn to make it back to the pod unharmed but somehow they managed to. They were barely able to get the pod door closed before it was hit with the fire of a pulse pistol. The adrenaline rush over, they collapsed in their seats and Aeryn started the takeoff sequence.
"What the frell was that?" John demanded
"Those were Petavoids, Crichton."
She stopped there as if that explained everything. It didn't.
"So?"
"The entire Petavoidian society is crazy, Crichton. Anytime they see anything involving what they consider to be cruelty to lower lifeforms they go on a rampage."
"So? What did we do to them?"
"We're wearing leather, Crichton."
"Oh great. It's the attack of the fashion police. Aren't they being a little extreme?"
"Everything about them is extreme. They once killed a man for eating a rodent when his shuttle crash-landed on a planet devoid of civilization and almost no edible plant life."
"Jeez that's bad. We in range yet?"
"Just came into range."
"Pilot, we're going to need starburst as soon as we board."
"Yes commander. What's the problem?"
"We have Petavians after us"
"Commander?"
"Petavoids" Aeryn corrected.
"Oh that's bad. Very bad."
"Yes it is bad. So that's why we need starburst."
"Okie dokie."
"Alrighty then."
"Deploying docking now."
After the pod was safely aboard and John and Aeryn had exited it they heard pilot say "prepare for starburst"
The starburst was smoother than usual and not too long, but as always, *something* had to go wrong.
Pilot's voice came over the comm system bearing bad news yet once again
"The Petavoidian ship was caught in starburst with us. They're charging weapons! Brace for impact!"
Everyone held on to something built into Moya, except for John and Aeryn, who held on to each other. Oddly though, Moya never shook, but everyone on Moya blacked out.
**************
When Crichton wakes up, he finds he is tied to a chair, which always seems to happen to him.
"John Crichton."
Crichton's eyes darted back and forth searching for the source of the sound. They settled on a spot slightly to his left. He took the opportunity to study the Petavian. He hadn't gotten a good look at them on the commerce planet on account of the fact that he'd been running away.
The Petavian was surprisingly human-looking or sebbacean-looking depending on what side of the universe you come from. The alien could easily pass for either.
"Hi, my name is Janice. Ill be your torturer for today."
"Only today? What about tomorrow?"
"My subjects don't usually survive through the first night."
"Oh."
"Shall we begin, butcherer?"
"Actually I'd rather wait awhile."
"Sorry I'm on a tight schedule. I have an appointment to picket Warner Brothers and Nintendo to stop forcing poor little Pokemon to fight each other."
"Sorry if I delay you."
"You wont, murderer"
"You know, I'm not quite sure why you keep calling me that. I didn't kill any of the animals I'm wearing."
"How stupid can you be? If people don't use animal products, then there's no market for them. If there's no market for them, they don't get made. They don't get made, innocent animals don't get slaughtered."
"But I didn't ask for these clothes. They were already on the ship and already made. Would you rather have had them go to waste? All my own clothes, which happen to have been cotton by the way, are all worn out. Would you rather have me walk around the ship naked?"
Janice tilted her head and gave Crichton a funny look.
"Yessss."
"Look, forget I asked. What I want to know is where are the others and what do you want with us?"
"We want to kill you, of course. Didn't I already make this clear?"
"Crystal."
"Very well then." With that, Janice pulled out a rectangular piece of plastic about an inch high and roughly a half-foot in length. Janice then stuck the thing into the wall, under they clamshell. An image appeared onscreen and Crichton immediately started whimpering.
"No...please...make it stop..."
The screen read only, "Black Scorpion."
"Arghhhhhhhhh"
"Enjoy, murderer. I have to check to see how your friends are doing."
Janice lifted her comm to her mouth. "Report." She barked.
Janice was silent for a long time before she finally said, "Are you sure she's telling the truth?"
After a few more moments, Janice lowered her comm and smiled.
"Today is a lucky day, Crichton...for us that is. Officer sun kindly told us about someone with a leather fetish. Scorpius, I believe? Unfortunately, since we're on such a tight schedule, we have to choose who to torture, and fetishes take top priority."
"So what happens to us now? Do you let us go?" Crichton asked, tears streaming down his face from the pain that watching Black Scorpion caused.
"Not likely. You're going to stay right where you are. You'll still be dead by tomorrow. The only reason that this is unfortunate is that I won't be able to watch."
"Awww, that's too bad, I wish there was something I could do"
"You can shut up and die, murd-"
Its pretty obvious what Janice was going to say, but she wasn't allowed to, because at that moment, she was interrupted by a blood-coagulating scream coming over the comm.
Janice excused herself and ran off to check on her colleague.
And Crichton was left alone to his Black Scorpion.
"Turn it off! Turn it off! Turn it off! Turn it off! Turn it off!"
**************
"What is it, Susan?" Asked Jan as she ran into the kitchen to find her friend, Susan, sobbing on the floor.
"Look Jan." Said sue, pointing to what passed for a refrigeration unit. "Look at what they did to that poor defenseless keedva."
"They will pay for this, I swear it" sputtered Janice, growing enraged. "In the name of the divine slaughtered, I curse them to forever run from their enemies. If not today or by our hand, they will live in constant fear and never have a moments peace, a punishment far worse than any death."
**************
"Save me Crichton, you can't let them hurt me"
"And why should I care what they do to you Scorpy? Ever think that I might want you dead?"
"When it comes to something putting my life in jeopardy, you'll find that you don't really have a choice, John...
**************
"Are you sure this is the right thing to do Jan? Why not just let the programming take its course?"
"Because now I want him to suffer, and he can't suffer if he's dead."
Jan and Sue entered the room to find that the program was already off.
"There must have been some type of power surge." Said Jan, looking over the equipment
"Power surge is right, girls. I shot the frelling thing out."
Jan and Sue turned around sharply and saw Crichton rise out of his chair with a gun trained on either of them.
"Heeeeres Johnny"
"How did you get out?"
"Optimum illusions" and with that he fired. Wynonna and her companion Betty were both good guns, and john is a good shot, so I don't feel I really need to explain what happened to the two Petavoids.
**************
"You guys okay?" John asked, opening up the cell where everyone was located, this happening only after he had run around the ship, high on Scorpius, killing all the Petavoids in sight.
"We're fine", Zhaan said, "fortunately they locked us up instead of submitting us to that torture."
"And what about you, Aeryn?"
"They let me go after I told them about Scorpius. I couldn't take it anymore. They were making me watch Barney"
"Damn, that's worse than what they did to me."
"So how did you escape?" D'argo asked.
"You know, I really don't know. I don't remember much. I must have blocked such a traumatic experience"
*I'll be with you always, keeping you safe*
And since, the curse was nothing that they weren't already living, they all went on with their lives.
And since Jan and Sue and all the others never made it to their meeting, countless pokemon continued to die needlessly.
The end
THE POSTS THAT INSPIRED THIS FIC:
#1) A post stating that Farscape was being picketed by PETA for depicting cruelty to animals by serving up keedva meat.
#2) Another post a couple days later, by the same person, saying that she/he found out the first one was a joke and that PETA had actually picketed CBS for "Survivor" because people were killing rats by having their heads bashed in and eating them.
OTHER THINGS THAT "INSPIRED" THIS FIC:
I just got sick of people picketing Farscape, whether it's true or not. A while back someone said that people were picketing Farscape because it taught children that inhaling helium would make their voice higher. Can you believe that?