Disclaimer: None of the ER characters belong to me.
Summary: Carol has a secret that she must tell Doug.
Rating: PG-13, I guess. There's a small sexual scene.
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June 25
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Carol sat in the nursery, rocking a sleepy Sarah against her chest. Sarah was suckling lazily at Carol's breast, her little hand fisted on Carol's chest. Carol watched as Sarah's eyes fluttered closed and fought their way back open. Looking into her daughter's eyes had Carol remembering things from her past that she didn't want to remember. But lately the memories kept creeping up on her, slipping into her mind and making her think about the painful time in her life. Even in her sleep Carol couldn't escape. She sighed and ran her index finger over her daughter's cheek.
******Flashback******
Carol stood at the admit desk at work, writing sporadically on a chart. She was looking up at Doug and a woman who were flirting in the front of the ER. She watched the woman lay a hand on Doug's chest and lean forward, her lips inches from his as she said something to him and then laughed. Carol looked back down at the chart, writing something that she hoped was correct. She had no clue what she was writing. When she looked up again Tag was standing in her view of Doug and the woman.
She managed a smile but her heart wasn't into it.
"Hey Carol." He said, smiling.
"Tag." She said, looking back down at the chart briefly.
"I was wondering..." Tag said. Carol sighed inwardly but she looked up, a smile on her face.
"Yes?"
"Are you doing anything tonight?" Tag asked. Carol sighed.
"Not that I can think of." She said.
"Would you like to go to dinner?" He asked. Carol shrugged.
"Tag, I'm really tired tonight. I just want to go home and sleep. How about tomorrow night? I don't have to work tomorrow, so I can rest all day." She said. He smiled and reached out, brushing a hand over one of her curls.
"Okay. Tomorrow night then. I get off at six. How about I pick you up at seven?" He suggested. She nodded and forced a smile.
"Sounds great. Seven tomorrow." She said. He nodded and tugged her curl playfully before he turned and walked away. Carol shook her head and looked down at the chart. Seconds later she felt someone's eyes on her, so she looked up and directly into Doug's eyes. They stared at each other briefly before he walked away. Carol sighed and ran a hand through her hair self-consciously.
ooooo
Later that night, Carol sat in her bathroom on the floor, rocking herself. She looked on the floor at the discarded pregnancy test before she squeezed her eyes shut. That didn't stop the tears from sliding from her eyes and down her cheeks. She leaned forward and buried her face in her arms and let the sobs rip through her.
She knew what she had to do. Doug had moved on. She was dating Tag. She could not keep this baby because Doug would not want it. He had a son that he didn't know and Carol wasn't willing to do that to her child. She would get an abortion whether it killed her or not.
******END FLASHBACK******
Carol looked down at Sarah who was now asleep against her chest, her tiny mouth still moving although she was no longer attached to Carol's breast. Carol sighed and stood up and stared down at her daughter before she laid her gently in her crib. The six-month-old baby sighed as Carol covered her with a blanket. Carol drew her shirt together, buttoning it up before she headed out of the room.
Carol headed downstairs to her bedroom and slid under the covers of her bed.
"She asleep?" Doug murmured. Carol nodded.
"Yeah." She whispered. Doug nodded and pulled her closer to him, wrapping his arm around her waist, her back against his chest. He kissed her shoulder gently before drifting off to sleep. Carol just lay there, watching the time tick away on her clock, thinking that she didn't deserve Doug's love and trust.
-ooooo-ooooo-
Doug ran his hand through his hair as he sat on the couch in the lounge.
"I don't know what's wrong with her, Mark. Ever since we got Sarah back two weeks ago, Carol's been distant from me. She talks to me, but only when I talk to her. Something's not right with her. She won't even make love to me. She hasn't since before Sarah disappeared. Which at the time was understandable. Now, I'm just confused."
"Have you tried talking to her?" Mark asked. Doug looked so forlorn that Mark wished he could do something to help.
"No. I'm afraid she'll brush me off or just push me further away." Doug said.
"If you don't talk to her, you'll never find out what's wrong with her. You could either wait this out and see what happens, but if you do that she might just draw farther away. Doug, you need to get to the bottom of this. Help her." Mark said. Doug sighed and leaned forward.
"I know, Mark."
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"Is she sleeping?" Doug asked as Carol came down the stairs. Carol nodded.
"She fought it but she nodded off." Carol said and headed to the kitchen. Doug intercepted her with an arm around her waist.
"Carol, we need to talk." Doug said.
"Okay." She said softly, almost knowing what this was going to be about. He led her to the couch and sat down with her. He reached over and brushed his hand over her cheek and turned her head towards him.
"I love you." Doug said. Carol smiled a little.
"I love you, too." She murmured. He smiled and kissed her forehead.
"You can talk to me. I want to know what's going on with you." He said. Her gaze dropped from his.
"You'll hate me." She murmured. He was shocked because he didn't think she would talk about what was bothering her, let alone this easily.
"I could never hate you, darling." Doug said. She looked up at him, her eyes now wet with tears.
"Yes, you could." She said. He took her hand in his and stared at her.
"No, I couldn't. But tell me." She looked away again and her fingers tightened against his, as if she was holding onto him, scared he would let go. His stomach rolled.
"I've been pregnant another time. Besides Sarah." Carol murmured. Doug's jaw dropped.
"You have?" He asked slowly, cautiously. She nodded and the tears slid down her cheeks.
"It was right at the beginning of Tag and I dating. Do you remember that day in the ER when you were standing at the door with some woman and you were flirting with her and I was at the admit desk? Tag came up and talked to me and then he left and you were standing in front of me and we looked at each other, no stared, for awhile before you left?"
"Yes, actually, I do remember that day." He said, remembering the ache that had cursed through him when he saw Tag and Carol talking quietly. Carol nodded slightly.
"Tag asked me out on a date that night but I turned him down because I just wanted to be alone that night. I wanted to be alone because I suspected something was up. So I bought a pregnancy test and took it that night in the bathroom. It was positive." She trembled and held tighter to Doug's hand. The tears were simply rolling down her cheeks now, she had no shame about them. "Tag and I had not been intimate." Carol said and looked at Doug. "I was pregnant with your baby, Doug. There had been no one else." She sobbed then and buried her face in her free hand as he stared at her in disbelief. Doug let it all sink in and waited until Carol had calmed down a bit.
"What happened to it?" He asked softly, already knowing the answer.
"The next day....I got an abortion." Carol said and a sob ripped out along with her words. "I'm so sorry, Doug. I understand if you want to leave me now." She couldn't look at him. Doug gathered her into his arms and held her tightly to him. She sobbed with relief into his shoulder, thanking God that he wasn't walking away or leaving her. That he didn't hate her. She clutched him to her and held on tightly. Doug couldn't have let go of her if he wanted to. He buried his face in her hair for a brief moment before he whispered.
"It's not your fault, Carol. You were dating someone else. I wasn't responsible. It's okay." He rubbed her back, shushing her. "Shh, it's okay, darling."
"Oh, Doug. I'm sorry I didn't tell you before. I was scared."
"I know, I know. Shh.." He ran his hand over her hair and rocked her gently. "I love you." He murmured and pressed his lips to her forehead.
ooooo
Carol woke the next morning, her arms wrapped around Doug and his around her. She didn't remember coming up here, Doug must have carried her up from the couch. She wanted to weep in relief because he was still here with her but instead she looked at the clock over Doug's shoulder.
It was six in the morning. Doug must have been up with Sarah through the night, she thought and smiled. She looked up at him as he slept peacefully. He would never be able to know just how much she loved him. There was no way to show for her to show it.
She slid out from his embrace, hoping he wouldn't awake just yet. He didn't, so she stood up and undressed quickly. She slid back under the covers, naked, and cuddled up to his bare chest. She reached a hand into his boxers and took him in her fingers. She began trailing kisses up his chest as she fondled him gently. When she made her way to his mouth, she knew he was awake because he was kissing her in return and his hand had crept to her waist. She pulled his boxers down and threw them off to the side. She giggled when he slid over her and finally opened his eyes.
"I love you, Carol." He said and slipped into her. She sighed in surprise and gazed up at him.
"I love you, too, Doug." She murmured and wrapped her arms and legs around him and fused her mouth to his.
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