Ahh

Ahh! Don't Squish that Bug

by Bambi SP

Dedicated to the rest of the SP: Heather, Cindy, Candi and this one's for Melanie!

Disclaimer: All characters, dates, settings, plot ideas/holes, and cryptic or blatant references legally stolen thanks to this sentence.

~GW~

When we last left our heroes, those most vile of villains, Boris Badenov and Natasha Fatale, were about to detonate the hushaboom under the feet of the unsuspecting Rocket J. Squirrel and Bullwinkle J. Mo-

/What does the J. stand for anyway?/

Wait, what are you doing back here?  Weren't the pills supposed to get rid of you?

/Please, you would die of boredom without me./

 //Great, she can't even get one sentence right.  This is going to be about as painless as a Joe Don Baker strip tease.//

I see you brought a . . . humorous friend this time.  So, you voices in my head must be moving up in the world to finally have bodies.

/Well, a sticker vending machine for a body with slinkies for arms isn't much, but it's better than being a broom stick with a baseball glove for a head and a banana for a mouth./

//You left out my movable arms and rotating eyes.//

Hey, you guys look like-

/Don't say it!/

//We are completely original and not stolen copyrighted characters in any way, shape, or form.//

And your names?

/Tim Cervix./

//Roooobin.//

Right.  So why don't I just call this fic 'Adamantium Wing' and avoid the disclaimer?

/You don't want to do that.  While the people who came up with Scott Summers might be pushovers-./

//Do you really want to go up against a company sadistic enough to keep Power Rangers on the air for eight years?//

Point taken.  So what now?

/I don't know.  You've never flipped out this far before./

//We could always 'reread' your last story.//

I don't think so; You couldn't bash that story around any more than I did while I wrote it.

/Then there is always the Evil Dead trilogy./

//Join us.//

I can't.  I hate you!  I have to sit here and write this and you get to indulge yourselves on wonderful B Movies.

//Watch out folks, she's going to write the next Necronomicon Ex Mortis.//

/And if you read this fic, you will *want* to be dead by dawn./

Oh shut up, or I'll download those nasty teacup Duchovny pictures into your mainframe.

/Well, hello Ms. Fancy-writer.  I've got news for you miss, you ain't leading but two things right now: Jack and mierda . . . and Jack left town./

I'm warning you-

//Please, if you downloaded them, then *you* would have to look at them.  Even you aren't that self-destructive.//

/Besides, maybe, just maybe you can pull through and write a decent story . . . Yeah and maybe I'm a Adamantium pilot./

Stop butchering quotes and leave already - and I'd watch out for trees as I left if I were you.

. . .

That was completely random and pointless.

Now you understand the rest of this fic.

Anyway, reluctantly we must forever leave moose and squirrel on the edge of disaster and return to our violence inducing friends.   The legend continues much where we left off and the pilots have been forced to change safe houses again.  While there wasn't much plot development in the last story, there was still more action than in an entire season of Dragonball Z.  And, no, staring does not count as action.

Don't hurt the messenger chick, but face it, it's true.

If you have no idea what I'm talking about, don't expect me to explain it.  If you had read the description you would have known to read the first part, and I really don't feel the need to retype all that.  But since we last left our heroes, the pilots have moved into another one of Quatre's - er - expensive safe houses in yet another nondescript small Midwestern town in the former United States.  There is a time gap at this point, and they have already settled in.  Obviously, there have been no missions since they moved because that would involve Quatre and Duo's revenge scheme and I obviously have to relate that to you when that happens.  But for now, Heero, Duo, Quatre and Wufei are going back to the house in the SUV.

Where were they?

Well, if you asked them, you would probably get some macho answer, but I think they went mini-golfing.  Again, not something to dwell on.  The important thing to remember is that they left Tim back alone at the mansion.  They also told him they would be back three hours after they are going to arrive.  Which just screams the whole 'Surprise, your roommate's other other secret' gag, but why ruin a good thing?  So I guess this chapter really begins when the four enter the house and I could erase everything before this, but what's the fun in that?

Everything seemed normal until they spotted the closet door.  What they saw both surprised and shocked them.

"We are both surprised and shocked at this."

Um, right.  This could be painful.  Let's rewind and start over again.

"I swear, if that clown only had as big of a mouth as Duo-"

"Hey!"

"Guys?  I'm sorry to interrupt, but could you stop arguing for one minute and look at this?"

"What is it, Q?"

"They appear to be sketches of some people, but they are unusual."

"She's deformed."

"I wouldn't go that far, but-"

"What are they doing on your closet?"

"I don't know.  This isn't one of those things you normally plan an explanation for."

"Ask Tim."

"He was the only one here since your servants and such seem to have disappeared conveniently."

Following Heero's advice, the four set out to find their comrade.  During their journey through unknown and dangerous terrain, our champions were each faced with a peril designed to test their strength.  Mainly, they noticed that every other door had the drawings on them.  To help you understand, picture your door.  Now envision it made of paper and you will know what horror was waiting for the boys.

"Why are there pictures of this garota on my door?  Unfair!"

"Great, now Wufei's spewing Portuguese, what's next?"

"I've decided to give up talking and only speak through interpretive dance."

"Not now Heero."

"Besides, you're only envious since you found out that Tim never has to open his mouth to speak."

'Too much work.'

"Ahh!  My eyes!  My eyes!  Unclean!"

"Stop dancing now, Heero.  We have to find Tim before it's too late!"

Too late for what?  Who knows.  But Heero stopped his slaughter of something that looked like the Robot and followed Quatre down the hall, much to everyone's relief.  Together, they collected over twenty drawings of five women, but there were still dozens of pictures left on the doors when they found Tim in the library.  He was bent over the table, signing along with the song he was listening to on his headphones, which was an amazing sight because he was sketching at the same time.  When the other pilots walked in, he threw a quick 'hello' into the verse without even glancing up.  Most people wouldn't believe was directed at Quatre, Duo, Heero and Wufei unless they knew the former enchanter and current video game junkie.  But, Tim outwitted himself, the implications of what his friends being there meant not hitting him until he was almost through the song.

'Get crazy with the Cheese Whiz . . . ack!  You're back!'

"I didn't even know that you could say 'ack' when you were signing."

'Um, I'm sorry about the mess, I can fix it. I-'

"I'm sorry if I gave you the impression I was mad.  I don't care about the mess, it's only the doors anyway."

"We just wanted to know about the chicks in the pictures, that's all."

'Well, I was getting homesick for my own time, and while you still have tons of video games, music and videos, I just really missed this one thing.  I did some research and it turns out that all American superheroes were to be wiped out of existence and memory.'

'So you took it upon yourself to appease your sense of longing.'

'Why does Heero look like he's short-circuiting when he talks?'

"Because he is.  You were saying?"

'Yes, so I was trying to recreate my childhood in a way so not everything from my time was forgotten.  I had been practicing my figure drawings and ran out of room so I began to post them on doors for better viewing.'

"So, who are they?"

'The X-Men.  A band of rebel mutants fighting for coexistence.'

"Mutants?"

'Yes, people born with a genetic anomaly that allows them to look good in spandex.  No offense Heero.'

"The X-Men?  But they're all girls."

'Well, the guys are all displayed on the opposite side of the house; I can give you a tour if you like.  And technically I guess you could say they all aren't X-Men that you have there.  The White Queen is a former villain turned ally and very few of the members you have there actually stayed on the team.  You also have women codenamed Storm, Rogue, Shadowcat and Psylocke.'

At this point, I want to break in and proceed to rant your eyes out about what pompous, whinny, worthless creatures both Kitty and Betsey are, but since you didn't come here for that, I will have to restrain myself.  But you are missing out on one hell of a good monologue.  I'll un-pause the former scene for you.

"Tim, I never realized you were such a good artist.  But, except for the girl you are drawing now, don't you think all these women's figures are horribly-"

"Grotesque?"

"I'm sorry to correct you, but that's not quite what I was looking for.  More like disfigured."

"True, everyone's body was idealized, but that's where the superhero spandex came in.  The girl I'm drawing now is Jubilee.  Why would you think she is normal?"

"She's the only one without the freaky hips and breasts."

'You think . . .?  Oh yes, I forgot about the super model revolution.  Apparently, they digitally re-mastered all the old videos pictures and whatnot and never told anyone about it, so you're not used to this.  I must admit I was both surprised and shocked the first time I saw Pamela Anderson flat chested.  Let me tell you, playing Tomb Raider without the bazookas isn't as much fun.'

Hi, me again.  Real fast: even though I forgot to type it earlier and am too lazy to do it now, I'm not dealing with the pilots' sexual preference.  So if you think they're straight, wow that works perfectly.  If you think they're gay, then it would still be an interesting topic and you can pretend they stared at Gambit's picture in the next time gap.  And if you think anything between, I'll trust you are smart enough to figure out a compromise yourself.  Everybody happy?

Okay then . . .

"So what else was different from your time?"

'Well, for one thing, there is the amazing lack of Africans around here . . .'

So Tim explained much of the past that had been forcibly forgotten, bringing new hope to the future - or something just as mushy.  At least until their laptops started beeping with a new mission.

Surprise, surprise, it was a mission for everyone.  The details were not outlined in the e-mails, only that there was a new threat to the peace that was more destructive than Oz.  They were to meet up with a group who were already familiarized with the menace calling themselves UP - infiltration and vandalism mission only.  Sadly, the weapons of mass destruction would have to be left behind.

Time gap warning as we fast-forward to the next day.  The supplies were ready as the five teens who were doomed to forever live with some serious baggage were preparing to embark on the mission.  'Surely something interesting must have happened between then and now,' you say.  Well, yeah, but I feel it was improper to watch them at such a delicate time of the day; That's why I went and saw Staind, Fuel, and Our Lady Peace live in concert.  It's not like I'm getting paid to watch the protagonists of our story and report everything to you.

So revoke my stalker's license if it bugs you that much.

Anyhow, the fabulous five gathered their inconspicuous duffel bags that *everyone* carried around and followed the directions to the location they were supposed to meet their contact.  When they got there, they were again both surprised and shocked because they don't have many more emotions than that to begin with.  We can't waste them all in one story.

"It's just a pinche shack - nothing bigger than a broken down outhouse.  We couldn't even all fit in that thing!"

"Calm down Duo.  They were probably going for something inconspicuous, like our duffel bags."

"That's the problem.  Anyone who knows anything would look at that and say 'front for an illegal operation.' "

"But you don't know that their operation is illegal."

"Why else would they be working out of a front like that?"

"Only illegal operations look like that."

"Therefore, they must be illegal."

'How true.'

"I'm sorry I was wrong."

'It's not like we aren't terrorists already.'

What our intrepid heroes didn't know was that hiding behind the door, waiting for them, was a set of stairs that would lead them to an underground chamber.  Naturally they found that out after opening the door, but since they had to take the time to analyze the situation tediously I decided to speed things up.  After breaking through the unlocked door, they head discreetly down the stairs, all the while conscious of eyes watching them.

"Heero, stop glaring at the fish like they were grenades.  It's not like they are going to jump out of the tanks and attack you."

'Why else would someone line the staircase with fish tanks unless it was a trap?'

"It's hopeless; you're hopeless."

The staircase opened into a brightly lit room.  The cool, damp air that drafted from the sweating stonewalls and floors, permeated the pilots' senses.  There was also the underlining smell and noise that came from the variety of animals living down there.

"A pet shop?"

"Maybe it's an illegal pet store."

"Drop the games; they were never amusing."

"I can't believe we were outside and never noticed the sign for the place."

'We still don't know what these people are like who called us here.  This could all be a trap by some devious individual who-'

"Quatre!  It's been ages since I've last seen you."

"Eek, I'm sorry, how rude of me.  Nicole! Guys, this is my sister Nicole.  Nicole, this is Heero, Duo, Trowa and Wufei."

"So this is the sister who sends you all your shirts."

"Duo, be quiet!"

"You gotta love a man who can wear a pink shirt, that's what I always say.  Come, you must meet High Priestess Leah."

'You are a cult?'

"No, we just give her the title to feel special.  She's just our leader, but it's a nice cover if the pet store ever falls through."

"A very weak cover."

"It was too obvious to pass up and somebody had to use it, it might as well be us.  Besides, I like the macaw."

'A very vulnerable organization.'

"Heero, right?  Are you having a seizure?  We have a decent medical bay-"

"That's just Heero's way of talking, don't worry about it."

"Oh-kay.  But the fact that we are vulnerable is what makes us strong.  We hide in plain sight; actually, we have a great advertising agency going to help warn about UP members.  Everything is printed on paper napkins and distributed to local colleges."

As they talked, Nicole led them around a back room and through series of passages, following the maze without a second thought.  They walked for five minutes before Nicole finally stopped in front of an ordinary door.  Without passing any security precautions, she opened the door and allowed them to precede her inside.  Pulling Quatre aside, she gave him a quizzical look.

"I know you trust your friends, but don't Trowa, Heero and Wufei seem a bit . . . off to you?"

"I'm sorry if that's what you think.  Don't let their first impressions throw you, they're the best at what they do."

"I don't doubt that.  I just doubt what they do."

"When they figure it out, I'll tell you.  Deal?"

"When they figure it out, you had better send me pictures!"

The two followed the other four into the room, but were stopped by Wufei's enraged voice.

"Woman, why did you take us back to this place?  That was nothing but a huge circle."

It seemed true.  The animals were all still restless in their cages and they could see the passage from which they left across the room.

"Was it?  All the secret tunnels look the same.  Oh well, come this way."

Instead of heading across the room where they had gone before, she headed up the main steps.  Grumbling, the fantastic five trudged up the steps as well.  This time there were no complaints when the door was opened and they found themselves on a different parking lot.

"Guys, don't stand there being both shocked and surprised.  Do you want to meet Leah, or not?"

"We're not both shocked and surprised.  We're supposed to be both surprised and shocked."

"There's no difference."

"Only to the untrained observer."

"But you're just being repetitive anyway."

"Only to the untrained observer."

"You must be very good at your job."

"Only to the untrained - hey!"

And so they continued.  While his sister was constantly picking on Quatre about his shirts, Heero, "Trowa" and Wufei had dropped back behind everyone else.  Even though they were not the ones acting childish, they were the ones attracting all the attention of other people carrying duffel bags.  And since everyone else carried duffel bags, the three were feeling very agitated - or more so than usual.

Their uneasiness didn't need to last long since Nicole soon took them inside a building and then into a dorm room.  There was no mistaking this for anything but a war room because inside was impeccably clean.  That just doesn't happen in college dorms.

Nicole ushered the pilots to the beat-up brown couch and disappeared.  With time to themselves, they took the opportunity to observe the area in detail.  It was a moderately reasonable living room, with a few doors leading elsewhere.  The room was furnished with a couch, coffee table, a desk covered with computer equipment and books and some posters of typical college interests like Space Ghost.

Shortly, a tall, slender girl appeared from where Nicole had gone.  Smiling, she sat down on the floor across from the couch and pushed her short, brown hair behind her ears.

"Hi, I'm Leah, but you can call me High Priestess Leah.  You must be pilots 01 through 05, Heero through Wufei."

"How did you learn of us?"

"Well, you met one of our agents in the field and she was impressed with your hair.  From there it wasn't hard to find you, or your superiors, or anything else we needed to know."

'You seem to know lots about us, yet we know nothing of you.'

"I'm sorry that we are so ill informed."

"There's not much to know.  We are a small establishment, dedicated partially to preventing the corruption of the UP spreading and mainly to have something to do during the weekends.  Trust me, there's not much else to do during the weekend in a nondescript small Midwestern town in the former United States.  Our group consists of four other main members and then the temps, Armand and Lestat, who take care of the paperwork at the pet shop."

"And who exactly are the UP?"

"A highly dangerous group of teenage girls who quite literally fell into power.  They discovered an old set from a James Bond movie that was still in working condition and they found some guys to upgrade the system for them.  If their weapon goes off, it will destroy everyone's individuality.  While the UP members aren't very smart, they have a good firewall.  Two systems are connected to each other.  We need to destroy them simultaneously otherwise the system will automatically fire.  The systems are hidden at the zoo and the Victoria's Secret.  Tomorrow set up the explosives at the zoo and get out of there before 6:30 when we will detonate the bombs from here.  Any questions?"

"Are you sure we can't take the base set up at the Victoria's Secret?  There's just something about that lingerie store . . ."

"I'm sorry for Duo's pointless question."

"Any other questions?  Okay, we have blueprints and other stuff for you.  And if you get into any trouble, just use this CD.  It's the one thing that is assured to knock out any UP agent.  You will need to get some detonators from the kitchen so your explosives will be in sync with ours."

"The kitchen?"

"Where did you expect us to keep all our explosives?  The bathroom?"

Even though I can imagine you can figure out that the pilots headed into the kitchen, I'll tell you that they did anyway.  When they pushed open the kitchen door, the girl sitting behind the rickety table covered with explosives glanced up.  Her eyes scrutinized the teens before her and she looked between Heero, "Trowa" and Wufei skeptically.  "What are you guys supposed to be, the Obscurely Happy Trio?"

'No, but he's the Ambiguously Gay Duo.'

"Hey!  I'm anything but ambiguous!"

Again I point out that anything said that refers to sexual preference is meant innocently.  Kinda like the time you called your friend a stuck-up woman/man-stealing psycho verga /puta, only this time you don't really mean it . . . where was I?

'I hope you don't expect us to go on a mission with only that.'

"I'm sorry for my friend's rude behavior."

"Oh no, don't worry about it.  Besides, these are just my own personal supplies.  Hold on a sec.  My name's Kathleen, by the way."

The teen headed over to the counter and picked up a note that was taped to the toaster.  After quickly reading it, she crumpled it, threw it over her shoulder and muttered profanities under her breath.  Curious, Duo picked up the note:

*Kathleen, stay away.*

"Guys?  The person handling highly volatile substances for them can't even use the toaster."

"Be quiet, Maxwell.  Like we would let you touch the toaster if we had a choice."

Whatever Kathleen had been fiddling with must have worked because the walls disappeared and everyone was left standing in a white room that stretched out for an eternity.  A low rumbling sound surrounded our heroes, until Kathleen reached over and cut the Indiana Jones sound track.  Rows of shelving rushed past where they were standing until they were again standing in open space.

"What was that?"

"Er - hold on a second."  She fiddled with some switches and the shelving returned, accidentally knocking "Trowa" over.  "Dude, are you okay?  You should've stayed behind the marked line at all times."

'Yeah, thanks for the warning.'

Quatre reached over onto the shelf and pulled off a brightly decorated box.  "Adamantium Wing?"

"How'd you expect us to fund our operation, with the pet shop?  Nope, the real money is in the merchandising!  We currently have five main suits ready for shipping, and the best part is, one in every one million has real working weapons.  Here, have a free key chain."

Duo caught the miniaturized humanoid suit easily and stored it away in his hair.  "Are we going to get to the detonators anytime soon?"

"Oh right, duh."  A few seconds later the six were again standing in the kitchen.  "We keep all those sorts of things under the stove for safe keeping."

"Right, why didn't we think of that?"

"I'm sorry we ever doubted you."

"Take anything you need, except the nuclear warhead. Otherwise we have some mini-grenade launchers, sub-machine guns, assault rifles, an uzi or two and some light handguns on a good day.  We also have some plastic explosives and good old-fashioned gunpowder, if that's your sort of thing.  The detonators are in the lower right-hand drawer; red is activate and green is deactivate."

While everyone re-equipped themselves, I was busy trying to come up with a cool way to transfer you over to the next part of the story.  Unfortunately, I failed and so you're stuck with this.

3218.688 meters to the zoo.

"I don't see why we can't just take the SUV."

'Because there is no parking near the objective, be quiet.'

"Wasn't that they bus we were going to take?"

'We wait for the next one.'

"The schedule says there won't be another bus for an hour.  That will throw the entire plan off."

"Plan?  Since when do we need a plan to blow things up?"

"I'm sorry the bus messed up everyone's schedule."

'We walk.'

"But it's *so* hot."

"Stop your complaining Maxwell.  Back in Tim's day they had to walk five miles, uphill, barefoot, in the snow."

'Don't try to pin this on me!  Back in my day we had buses that ran on a reasonable time schedule.'

"C'mon, we can talk openly this way, and it's not like we have no training at all.  We can handle the walk."

3218.124 meters to the zoo.

"I'm bored."

3217.5872 meters to the zoo.

"I'm still bored."

3217.234 meters to the zoo.

"Now I'm hot and bored."

'Duo, I'm sure you are very capable of entertaining yourself.'

" . . . okay."

3209.354 meters to the zoo.

'Stop singing Duo!'

"But I was amusing myself."

'I'm sure Heero didn't mean for you to sing *I Know a Song that Gets on Everybody's Nerves* when he told you to entertain yourself.'

"Oh."

3061.863 meters to the zoo.

"Guys, I've been thinking that it's about time to change my motto."

"What's wrong with the one you have now, Duo?"

"It just seems a little overused, you know?  I need something new, fresh, that screams 'Duo Maxwell exclamation point'!"

'What do you have in mind?'

"Life is a sexually transmitted disease that always ends in death."

Imagine silence.  Now stop imagining silence because I mercifully stopped writing, and start imagining silence because the pilots are all starring at Duo.  Add some crickets chirping in the background for fun.  R-e-a-d t-h-i-s s-e-n-t-e-n-c-e r-e-a-l-l-y s-l-o-w-l-y.  Now, send your credit card number to my e-mail address, forget you did and continue with the story.

"Duo, that's just disturbing!"

"Q, that's not buddies."

"I'm sorry."

"Winner has a point, but it does suit you."

"Thanks!"

2852.673 meters to the zoo.

'Ahh!  Kill it, kill it!'

"Tim, it's just a harmless chipmunk."

'No, it's a creature of pure evil.  We must destroy it.'

'Okay.'

'Stop, what are you doing?'

'Shooting it.'

'You can't just shoot it.  That's a horrible thing to do.  Here, use one of these darts.'

'What is on it?'

'A slow acting toxin; He'll take it back to his friends and they will all become infected with Mad Chipmunk Disease.  BWAHAHAHA'

"We worry about you, Tim.  We really do."

2654.090 meters to the zoo.

"I'm sorry for keeping secrets from you guys."

2578.929 meters to the zoo.

"There are two main locations that we need to plant our devices.  Duo can hack into the security grid and we should have a window open long enough to complete the mission.  Feel free to leave a detonator if you need to, Duo."

"Yes!"

"These are the computer systems we must destroy.  Heero will be here, near the elephants; Tim will take this area here, near the giraffes."

'Understood.'

'Gotcha.'

"It also seems that the UP have gotten their hands onto some Oz weaponry.  You know those things that we normally hack into . . .?"

'Government files?'

'Sony's video game designs?'

"Winner Enterprise's account?"

"Fruit porn sites?"

"No, no.  You know, the things we slash."

'Relena?'

'Prices?'

"Maxwell's braid?"

"Everything?"

"Wait, can I change my answer?  I forgot about Maxwell's weave."

"Still not it. The blowing up bad guy things!"

"Oh, those things."

'The EXO Suits.'

"No, that was just a cartoon."

'You mean the zodiac sign machinery."

"Right, the Boar and the Rabbit and the-"

"Those are Chinese year signs, not zodiac."

'The zodiac signs are like Gemini and Cancer.'

"But those aren't it."

'Mobile Dolls.'

"Right!  Well it seems that the UP have the Mobile Dolls stored here, near the snack bar.  I want Wufei to sabotage them."

"Consider it done."

"Oh, well, in that case, I don't know what you can do."

"Oh gee, thanks for thinking of me.  Just leave me without something to blow up.  Totally unjust."

"I'm sorry."

"And just what do you plan to be doing during all of this?"

"I have to take care of something for High Priestess Leah."

"No fair!  How come you get the fun secret mission?"

"Because Tim got it last time and you had it the time before, so stop complaining."

"But-"

"No!"

2199.773 meters to the zoo.

"I'm sorry that AOL crashes your computer every five minutes."

2167.067 meters to the zoo.

"Hey, where'd the road go?"

'I don't know, it simply disappears into this corn field.'

"I guess we just cut through this row here.  It seems to be going our direction."

"BEHOLD THE POWER AND GRACE OF HE WHO WALKS BEHIND THE ROWS."

"What are you blubbering about, Maxwell?"

"What?  What is everyone staring at me for?  Is my collar on backwards?"

'You start talking about some corn god and you are asking why we are staring at you?'

"I'm sorry that we made you uncomfortable."

"Don't worry about it.  We're all under eighteen; We'll be fine."

1987.098 meters to the zoo.

'Duo, must you sing?'

"But I'm singing it for Q, it's the beer song he taught me."

"I taught you a root beer song, not a beer song."

"But no one here likes root beer."

1873.548 meters to the zoo

"How about 'Shiny happy people hold me down.'?"

'For a motto?'

"Yeah."

'But aren't you stereotyped as a "shiny happy people"?'

"That's one of my personalities, yes.  Otherwise I'm as suicidal as Kamikaze Boy over there."

'Hey!'

"Hey!"

"Hey!"

'Hey!'

"Oops, I forgot who I was talking to.  I meant Heero this time."

'Oh.'

"Oh.  I'm sorry I jumped to the wrong conclusion."

"Oh."

'Oh - hey!'

"What were we talking about again?"

"I have no idea."

1627.723 meters to the zoo.

"Redrum . . . redrum . . . redrum . . ."

1500.000 meters to the zoo.

'Quatre, you don't looks so well.'

"I'm sorry I worried you.  I'll be fine.  It's just that I sense such an overpowering sensation of despair ahead, unlike anything I've felt before."

"Oops, sorry Q.  We'll all stop lamenting over our horribly depressing and oppressive pasts if it makes you feel any better."

"No, that's not it.  It's something worse.  Such pain . . ."

"You know what's a pain?  All these stupid gnats flying around.  I'll just-"

"Ahh!  Don't squish that bug!"

"Oops, too late."

'What happened?'

"Winner passed out when Maxwell killed that bug."

'That's odd.  I didn't know he could feel the pain of anything other than humans.'

"Imagine what he must feel when we cut the grass."

1500.0 meters to the zoo.

'Look, he's coming around.'

"You okay, Q?"

"Yeah, I guess.  I'm sorry I passed out."

'What happened?'

"Well, it was hot and all those mental shields were kinda stifling, so I just took them down for a minute.  I didn't think the zoo could house such desperation!  Then, when Duo killed that gnat, it just became so devastating.  I felt a great disturbance in the pants . . . as if millions of voices screamed out in realization that Toonami had changed its lineup again and were suddenly silenced."

'Ouch!  That must've hurt as much as the time Relena was trying to sing some of the Olsen Twins' songs.'

"A tremor in the pants! The last time I felt it was in the presence of my old master."

'We already did something like this last time, remember?  Besides, we don't have time for smugglers who drop their pants at the first sign of an Imperial cruiser."

. . . Oh forget it!  They just had to get all hard on me - I mean difficult - oh, whatever.  Believe what you want, but you know my official standing.

"I'm better now.  Just hand me my duffel bag and we can keep moving."

1248.980 meters to the zoo.

'He's been quiet.'

'Shush, you'll jinx it.'

1024.981 meters to the zoo.

'So you can be overwhelmed, and you can be underwhelmed, but can you ever just be whelmed?'

820.333 meters to the zoo.

"I'm sorry that hotdogs buns come in packs of twelve, but hotdogs - or soy dogs - only come in packs of eight."

756.276 meters to the zoo.

"Are we there yet?"

735.883 meters to the zoo.

"Are we there yet?"

712.60 meters to the zoo.

"Are we there yet?"

684.224 meters to the zoo.

'Are we there yet?  What?  Someone had to ask.'

254.479 meters to the zoo.

"Yuy, this trip is long enough without you retelling the entire plot of Sailor Moon."

'But, I'm not even to the good part about Sailor Neptune yet.'

95.547 meters to the zoo.

"We're almost there!"

'Thank the gods.'

50.339 meters to the zoo.

"I'm sorry this trip has to end."

-17.092 meters to the zoo.

"Um, guys, I think we passed the entrance."

-24.098 meters to the zoo.

"Shouldn't we turn back?"

-0.001 meters to the zoo.

"Hello, my name is Wanda and I married a psychopath.  How can I help you?"

"Ack!  Q!  That girl . . . she said . . . but isn't . . ."

"I've never met her before.  It must be a Wanda thing."

'What are you two babbling about?'

"Nothing."

"I'm sorry, but nothing."

'We need four maps of the area.'

"Here you go sirs."

'No, we need the *other* map.'

"You mean of the underground headquarters?  I'm sorry, sir, but we're all out of those here.  You might try the information desk near the durdles."

"Thank you kindly, ma'am."

'What are you, a Mountie?  Let's go.'

When the fascinating five entered the zoo, they could see why Quatre had been overwhelmed with emotion.  The place was a virtual animal concentration camp.  Every species seemed to reach out to the visitors with their malnourished and sickly eyes, pleading for a small taste of freedom.  The penguins were left with only a small area of shade and most of the animals were cramped with little room to move around in.  By the time they reached the maps, they didn't need to be empathic to feel the misery behind the place.  Quatre made a note to send in a pack of lawyers when he got the chance.

"Okay, we'll be contacted by someone at 4:45 p.m. at this pavilion.  That gives us a little over an hour to become familiarized with our targets.  I'm sorry I'm so unorganized.  We'll come back after lock down at five and be out of here by six.  Any questions?"

"If the lead singer and song writer of a band quits, then can they still be considered the same band?"

"Any questions significant to the mission?"

So they parted ways and did important mission stuff.  If you've seen Mission Impossible then you know what's going on and I'm sure you can juxtapose scenes from other spy flicks to fill in the area here.

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It was only four in the afternoon when the phenomenal five all wandered back to the appointed pavilion.

"You got depressed too?"

'Yep.'

"So what are we supposed to do for forty-five minutes?"

'We can play cards.'

"With what?"

'These.'

'Adamantium Wing cards?'

"Where did you get these?"

'Kathleen sorta shoved them on me.'

"Ha, now you have two girls pushing you around Heero."

"I'm sorry to ask such an obvious question, but why are there holes in some of the cards?"

'Originally there was this really annoying looking blond girl on some of them, so I just cut her out.'

"Makes perfect sense to me.  What shall we play?"

"Nothing that requires thinking."

'How about Crazy 8's?  It's just like Uno.  Aces reverse, eight's are wild, and two's make the next person pick two.'

"Pick two?  Since when do you do that?"

'Always.  That's the way it has always been played.'

"What kind of backwater town did you come from, Tim?"

'Chicago.'

"Oh."

3 minutes into the same game.

"Sorry to take the last card, but now we're out."

'No problem, just flip the discard pile over and continue.'

7 minutes into the same game.

'. . . he turns to me and says, "I will never be impaled by my own rack." '

"So that's when you killed him with his coat rack?"

'No, I shot him.'

13 minutes into the same game.

"Why won't anyone steal my heart crystal?  Aren't I pure enough?"

"There, there, Wufei.  I'm sure someone will steal your heart crystal soon enough and put you through excruciating pain that will leave you wanting your enviable death.  I'm just sorry it hasn't happened yet."

"You really think so?"

"Would I lie to you?"

17 minutes into the same game.

"How about 'Born to be down.  What good is confidence?' "

"That just doesn't seem like a very healthy slogan."

"Okay, then how about 'High-fiving-' "

"I'm sorry, Duo.  Maybe you better not choose Local H lyrics as your motto."

21 minutes into the same game.

"I'm sorry that Joan and Melissa Rivers ever got to be on television."

"Q!  Would you stop saying that you're sorry for everything.  It's driving me crazy!"

"I'm sor - eep!"

'Actually, I feel pretty sorry about that too.'

24 minutes into the same game.

"One card."

25 minutes into the same game.

'Pick two.'

"Will this game ever end?"

29 minutes into the same game.

'. . . everything is so different now.  Everything that I knew has been dead or changed over the years.  Huh, I wonder whatever happened to my back account.  Sure, I only had like eleven bucks in it, but I was in college, what do you expect?'

"I can check on that for you now if you want."

'No, I don't want to be a bother.'

"No problem.  What was the name of your bank?"

'I just got an account at the new American Bank.  They had this motto that they would never be bought out.'

"Well, let's see.  American Bank sold out after about three months of service.  They exchanged hands a lot, but if I'm remembering correctly, yesterday they were known as World Bank.  So that means today they are the Gap Bank.  Just give me a minute or two."

31 minutes into the same game.

"Here, Tim.  All you need is your account number; pin number; credit card number; social security number; driver's license; college id number; all the information from your birth certificate; physical description; favorite color, food and clothing store; the names of the presidents of the former United States; the location of Atlantis; pi rounded out one hundred places; three names of your relatives that were in the Mafia; and the code for your DNA."

37 minutes into the same game.

"Is he still writing numbers?"

"Finally, someone else can pick up the laundry bill!"

39 minutes into the same game.

"Well, at least he was nice enough to thank the guy before he fainted."

'Without Tim we will have to quit the game.'

"Darn."

'. . . Ugh, sorry about that guys.  I just never wrote so many digits before . . . Ouch!  Hey Duo, stop hitting me over the head.'

"Why didn't you just stay unconscious!"

41 minutes into the same game.

"You should've killed him with the coat rack."

45 minutes into the same game.

"Hey, are you the pilots I was sent to find?  I asked around and everyone pointed towards you."

'That depends. Have you ever danced with the Devil in the pale moonlight?'

"I don't get it.  What's that supposed to mean?"

'Nothing.  It's the code.  I just like the sound of it.'

"Personally, I've always liked the classic crow code.  And no I've never danced with the Devil, but she's my RA, if that counts."

'It doesn't.'

"Well, I tried."

"I apologize for Heero's behavior."

"Q!"

"What?!  I never said I was sorry for missing her name or anything like that."

"Oh, I'm Stacie, do you guys need anything?"

"Just an end to this game."

"Just blame it on the fact you have to save the world from a ghastly future.  It gets me out of my homework.  We have a red light for the mission and all is going well.  Any complications?"

'None.'

"Is that all?"

"Officially, yes.  But Kathleen asked me to get a picture of Wufei, Trowa and Heero - in that order.  Something about a fan club emblem."

"What are Maxwell and Winner laughing at?"

'Do you think they have something to do with the weird looks we've been getting all day?'

'Duo - yes, but Quatre?'

'What did they do and how can we get back at them?'

"Can we get through an entire sentence without making it a question?"

"No?"

After Stacie got her picture, the pilots were together for the last time in this paragraph.  Parting ways, they probably were thinking things, but since I'm not psychic, I don't know what they thought.

I followed Duo first as he very *cautiously* sneaked into the control room.

"Sneak . . . sneak . . . sneak . . ."

After disposing of the computer nerds, he opened a window into the system.

\Welcome to the security system of the secret UP laboratory.\

\For today's weather, press 'F1'.\

\For today's winning lottery numbers, press 'F2'.\

\For today's sports, press 'F3'.\

\For today's horoscope, press 'F4'.\

\For local listings on henchmen for hire, press 'F5'.\

\For local listings of sales on vacuum cleaners, press 'F6'.\

\For access to the security grid, press the 'any' key.\

. . .

\You have selected the 'any' key.\

\If you are an employee, press the 'Esc' key.\

\If you are a computer hacker, press the  'Enter' key.\

 

. . .

 

\You have selected the 'Enter' key.\

\If you would like to crash the system, setting off numerous alarms and bringing about a chain reaction that will ultimately bring about your capture, press '1'.\

\If you would like to create a video loop that would block the recording of you and your comrades, press '2'.\

\If you have made a mistake and would like to go back to the main menu, press '3'.\

 

. . .

 

\You have selected '2'.\

\Please stand by while we process your request.\

 

. . .

 

\Your video loop has been granted.\

\If you would like to delete all trace evidence, press the 'Delete' key now.\

 

. . .

 

\All evidence of your visit - including fingerprints on the keyboard - has been erased.\

\Thank you for your patience and remember to visit one of our souvenir stores conveniently located near all the entrances.\

 

Swinging the chair around enthusiastically, Duo surveyed his handiwork with a smile.  Now he got to the fun part.  Dragging over his duffel bag, he reached in to pull out *The Fundamentals of Physics that Don't Always Apply.*  It was at this point that I understood that he had grabbed the wrong duffel bag, but he kept shuffling madly through it.  After becoming bored with his task, Duo slumped down near the computer, apparently upset that he couldn't blow anything up.  His head banging against the hard surface jostled his hair enough to send a pile of his stash plummeting to the ground.  A flash of green drew his eyes to the humanoid key chain he had been given back at the dorm room.  Inspecting it carefully, Duo fiddled with the moveable arms until he pressed the head down twice, causing the eyes to flash red.  Attaching a detonator to the key chain bomb, Duo bounced happily out of the room.

I located Wufei in with the Mobile Doll, his head buried underneath the suit as he fiddled with the wiring.  He was so enthralled in his work he never noticed the guard's presence until it was too late.

"What are you doing here?"

"You will get nothing from me."

"You will get nothing from this sabotage work either.  A preschooler could do better than this.  You cross the yellow and the red wires here and you forgot to remove this tubing here.  And unless you want to program the suits to attack Niagara Falls, you will need to take out this whole panel.  Is that understood?"

"Yes."

"Yes what?"

"Yes, sir."

"Good, now I'm not letting you out of here until I have seen you correctly sabotage each one of these suits.  Now move it!"

A wrong turn at the elephants got me to my next stop a little later than planned.  Tim had infiltrated the base with ease.  He was preparing the last explosive device when a harsh voice behind him told him to freeze.  Slowly, Tim took in the sight of a small platoon of men with their weapons trained on him.

'So does this mean I'm captured?'

"Yes."

'Whoo-hoo!  Finally, another weapon upgrade!  In your face, Heero!'

"Huh?"

Tim sat down cross-legged and pulled a copy of *Destruction Unlimited* from his duffel bag.  'Okay, should I beef up the overall stamina or get a weapon that's actually effective?'  Tim glanced over his shoulder to notice the soldiers had gathered around him, looking at the catalog.

"What's the point in having a good weapon?  I personally would go for the reflective shielding."

"Sweet choice.  What else do you have in there?"

'Well, even though I lost my powers, I was thinking maybe I should incorporate some of my enchanter heritage into the weapons systems.  Now here on page seventy-three I could get custom paint jobs of my animal power symbol, the chipmunk, and it would be interlaced with a type of confusion spell I used to place on my teachers . . .'

. . . boys with toys.  So, at this point I gratefully left Tim to see how Heero was fairing.  I found him leaving the hanger he had been assigned to rig, a partially deflated duffel bag flung over his shoulder.  The exit was only a few feet away when a heavily armed guard spotted him.  Dashing behind a nearby corner, Heero pulled his gun and waited, counting the rounds of shots as they went off.  Still waiting for the first shot, he became restless after a minute and spun around the corner back to where the guard was standing.

'Excuse me, are you new at this?'

"No, actually this is my ninth year acting as a henchman.  My dad was is proud of my accomplishments that he's going to throw me a ten year anniversary party."

'Um, that's lovely, but do you think you could commence shooting at me?  With nine years behind you, you should know how this is done.'

"But why would I want to shoot at you?  You seem like a nice enough guy."

'Nice, I just completed my mission to cover this place with explosives!'

"Well, that's not a very nice thing to do."

'No, it's not.'

"Do you have some issues with your parents that you need to work out?  My father has always been very supportive of me and so I can't relate to you, but I know this great psychologist-"

'We're not here to discuss my life crisis.  Listen, I'm the terrorist and you're the guard.  You spotted me running down the hall.  You open fire on me and I hide behind the corner and take random shots back at you.  It's the way it works.'

"Actually, you were walking down the hall."

'Whatever!  Just follow the script and shoot me!'

"We need to work on your control issues.  Do you always feel the need to be in charge?  Do you-"

'Ahh!  If you won't shoot me, I'll do it myself!'

"No!" The guard lunged for Heero's gun, snatching it from the teen's grasp before he could shoot himself in the leg.

'Hey, give that back.'

"I will, when I get a signed note from your parents saying that you can have it back, not before."

'Fine, I'll just have Quatre buy me a new one.  I'm out of here.'

"Have a nice day!"

I think I ran out of there as quickly as Heero.  I took a left at the monkeys and walked past the poor penguins with my eyes closed and eventually made my way to where Quatre sat across from a brunette girl, only a few years older than him.  She stared down at the chessboard with a thoughtful expression, finally making the first move of the game, to bring her pawn forward.  Quatre mirrored her move, then knocked the white king over.  "Bad move, Beth.  Checkmate."

She replayed the move and sighed in defeat.  "I thought I had you that time too.  Best nine of eleven?"

"You loose.  You know what I came here for."

"Fine."  Beth led Quatre over to the main controls.  Sadly, she ejected the CD and handed it over to Quatre who quickly broke it in half.  "Now that you have CD of rap music we were playing, is there anything else you need?"

"None that I can think of, thanks.  We really should play again sometime."

"Yes, this was fun."

"But I feel bad for stealing your music.  Here, put this in instead."

Taking the CD that Leah had give Quatre, Beth promptly passed out when she heard the new music being played.

"Huh, I guess not everyone thinks Yanni is a god."

And so the triumphant feminine five were drawn towards each other with disturbing ease that made the Fate's threads of destiny seem like silly string.  With reserved silence that only came after gagging Duo, they made their way back to High Priestess Leah's dorm room; This time they took special care to catch the bus a small distance from the zoo to avoid arousing suspicions.  The campus was easy enough to slip into and they already had the building in their sights before the explosion's tremor tested their wills to remain standing.  All turned to view their handiwork as twin mushrooms appeared behind them.

"After today, is anyone actually surprised there is fungus in the sky instead of an actual explosion?"

The cynical stares were enough of a reply.

The appointed meeting place was devoid of all life until our favorite proof of our own obsessive natures walked through the door.  Heero took the opportunity to hack into a nearby laptop while Duo went in search of food, Tim tested their gaming system, Quatre sat politely on the couch and Wufei simply disappeared.  The files Heero had been probing for had just been located when the sound of a key in the lock forced him to abandon his pursuit.

Of course, the girls should've realized that they didn't need to attempt to use a key since they left the door unlocked, but such is life.

"Hey, you're already here!  Sorry it took so long to get the pizza.  We had problems with the delivery guy."

"Yeah, like finding him on campus."

"You act like it's my fault we were completely lost and walked in a big circle for absolutely nothing."

"It was!"

"Oops?"

"Hey I just realized something!  Stacie and Kathleen - our names, like, rhyme."

'No they don't!  They don't even sound alike!'

"You're just envious that 'Trowa' sounds nothing like 'Stacie'."

'Oh yes, I am crushed.'

Three pizzas, two Pokey Stix, nine refusals to let Stacie duct tape people to chairs, and one discussion about who was better, Armand or Lestat - Armand winning - later, Heero finally asked what Kathleen had wanted with the picture.  The teen practically beamed at the mention of it and slid blissfully over to the laptop.

"Okay, this is something that Mel, Nicole and I have been working on, and it's not quite done yet, but, you'll see . . ."

With a few key stokes she brought up a web page entitled *Speedos, Magic Loincloths and Superhero Spandex Fan Club*.  Displayed proudly below was the picture of Wufei, "Trowa," and Heero in the said clothes.

"Garota, what did you do to me?"

"Me?  Have you looked in the mirror lately?"

Skeptically, the three glanced down, still uncomprehending what was happening until Duo burst out laughing and Quatre was caught trying to cover up his own.

"Man, you guys should see yourselves.  You're about as lost as I've ever seen you."

"Explain this atrocity, Maxwell."

"Hey, this wasn't my idea.  Ask Q."

'Well?'

"Awhile back, I became . . . embittered that you didn't trust in my abilities against the random Oz soldier ninjas, so I decided on this childish revenge scheme involving holograms.  The image inducers were set up so that only you wouldn't be able to see them.  It was merely coincidental that they had a club for your clothes."

A small remote was produced from his pocket and a second later the three could distinguish the scantily clad outfits others had seen them in all day.  Since you weren't there I'll take the space to explain their physical appearances, but without time passing in the story.

Wufei's bright red Speedo complemented his caramel tinted skin while the high cut straps lengthened his legs.  There was not a single indication that there was hair on his body.  Pompom flip-flops protected his feet, goggles covered his eyes, and the outfit was completed with a nose plug.

"Trowa's" nonexistent, slender figure was lost somewhere behind only a deep brown loincloth.  Fortunately, there was enough material to completely surround his hips and thighs, but the ragged edges crept upwards with each movement.  Matching old-fashioned leather boots, dilapidated with use, enclosed his feet to the ankles.  "Trowa" provided the crazed savage look.

Heero was a true magnum opus.  Like the others, his legs were bare because of his cerulean blue plated short pants.  An orange and black cape fell just below his knees, matching the bright orange boots.  His blue facemask harmonized with the short pants and was clearly visible because his hair was slicked back.  The finishing touch was his magenta tunic unreservedly screaming 'Super Sidekick.'

Three quick flashes of light drew the teens out of their surprised and shocked reflections, although you really couldn't tell by their facial expressions.

"So, what did you three do today?  Win a diving competition?"

"Communicate with some animals?"

"Be bait to lead your partner into an obvious trap?"

"Maxwell . . . Winner . . ."  By this time, Wufei had crushed the image inducer disguised as a pompom and was charging the blonde who was close by.  Instinctually, Quatre threw the closest thing available at his friend, which happened to be the water in his glass.  Time stood comically still as the water seeped into Wufei's white pants, mischievously turning his pants an identical color to what the Speedo had been.  A gasp circled the room.

"It's the sign of the UP!"

"But no guy has been a member before."

"Does it matter?"

"Let's mob him anyway."

"I have no objections."

Wufei could only listen so long as the girls planned his fate. He sped out of the room with five determined teenagers out for his blood as they raced inanely around the campus.  Nicole paused a second before she was completely down the hall.

"Remember, Quatre, you promised me a copy of those pictures!"

With that, they were all gone.

"Might I suggest a strategic retreat to some unknown safe house?"

"But my baby . . ."

"Don't worry, I had our weapons of mass destruction safely hidden away while we were gone."

"Then what are we standing here for?"

The room was once again devoid of life, unless you want to argue that an ubour and a body snatching time traveler were living.  Time passed and things settled down.  A slightly injured Wufei finally met up with Heero and Tim back at the safe house to recover.

'As far as I'm concerned, this mission never happened.'

"Why is that, Yuy?  The fact that we were betrayed by our own numbers and forced to be observed in those preposterous costumes?"

'No, he's mad because he doesn't have any proof of the mission.  No injuries, battle scars or damage to his weapons.'

'Except for my favorite magnum, which was stolen by that cabrón.'

'What he's really upset at is that he didn't get one of these.'

Heero's eyes locked onto the document that Tim produced.  His envy obvious as he snatched the offending paper from his friend's hand.

\\On this day, the twenty-third of the month of June, I, Trent Lane, do solemnly swear that I captured Trowa Barton the former enchanter called by some 'Tim' while he was on a mission against Oz The UP.  I have read all the fine print and understand that by signing this document I give Trowa Barton the former enchanter called by some 'Tim' the right to perform a weapons upgrade, which is impossible without this document.\\

'You have all the signatures?'

'Yep.  His, mine, ten witnesses, and he even added the henchmen's official seal.'

"I must admit, that is an impressive document you have procured."

'Thank you.  What do you think, Heero?'

'Stupid lamination, it won't even bend.'

'Do you think I would hand it to you otherwise?'

' . . . I'll be out spreading Mad Chipmunk Disease if you need me.'

Meanwhile, over at Quatre's new safe house:

"There's no way you will be able to make that shot."

"Double the bet?"

"You're on, Q."

"8-ball in the side pocket."

A swift, clean cracking sound followed their conversation, and soon the black ball moved beyond the called pocket.  Duo's victory dance was cut short through as the cue ball bounced off the side and collided with the 8-ball, setting its path straight into the waiting pocket.

"I don't believe it.  Q-ball, you little pool shark!"

"I'm sorry you lost."

"What did you say?"  Duo glared down disapprovingly at his friend and pointed his cue at a sign on the wall declaring, 'Don't say I'm sorry incessantly.'

"What I said was . . . pay up."

"I'm all tapped out."

"How can you be out of air?"

"I don't know.  Can I give you an IOU?"

"See, now are you glad I refused to bet money against you?"

"Okay, but next time we use candy again."

"Last time you went broke because you ate all your chips.  That's why I suggested we should bet air."

"Fine, but this weekend, when we go out, we definitely aren't playing for oxygen.  But for now, let's write a song."

"You aren't simply changing the subject before I can object, are you?"

"Who me?  I'm hurt you could accuse me so easily.  I just thought that we should work out some creative kinks, that's all.  Besides, I need to test my new motto."

"Which is?"

"You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever."

"You're right, it does go with your composing abilities that I've seen so far.  Let me guess, you want to write a song that all the critics believe has some deep meaning, but it's about something completely obtuse."

"You know me so well."

"If I remember correctly, last time you suggested such a thing it was a song about the joys of running around naked on a plane."

"So I was wrong about that one.  I had forgotten that they already made a song like that."

"Right, and you were also high on fruit porn last - no, Duo, you didn't-"

"Didn't what?"

"I thought you were going to quit."

"It's really not a problem."

"Where did you get it?"

"It was just in the duffel bag.  I was only protecting it, I swear."

"Hand it over."

"No!"

"It's for your own good."

"Fine . . ."

Miserably, Duo handed over *Geis of the Gargoyle*.

"See now, don't you feel better?"

"Not really."

"Oh well, if you think you feel bad, image how the others must be feeling right now."

"Do you think they miss us?"

"That depends if they found everything yet.  And there are always the Voodoo dolls if we get bored later.  Turn on the security videos for now."

Duo flopped back on the couch and pointed the remote at the wall across from it.  The wall flicked for a moment and faded to a screen divided into separate views of the safe house that they other were currently at.  "Let's see how Heero is faring first.  Or shall I call him 'Chester Honeywell'?"  Duo rapidly flipped through several scenes in search of his query.  Quatre sat down next to Duo, handing him the Swedish Fish and keeping the Rice Krispy Treats for himself.

"I still can't believe you found out that was his really name."

"Which will he be madder at: His name, the fact we know it, or the fact that you sent his childhood picture in to be put on the milk cartons as a lost child?"

"I think it will be the worst when he finds out Relena buys that brand of milk."

"But will he be anywhere as upset as Tim when he finds out you rewrote the endings to all his favorite video games?"

"Are we forgetting, Duo, you were the one who replaced all his graphic chips with chips that only have 64 bits."

"A true stroke of genius, if I do say so myself."

"I still think that dyeing Wufei's underwear red was taking it a step too far.  That was a touch gross."

"Me?  I only replaced all his Chinese things with the Americanized stuff that you bought.  I thought you did that, Q-ball."

"That means-"

"He does that himself?"

. . .

"Eeew!"

Somewhere, back over at Quatre's earlier safe house:

'Oh I get it now!  I should've killed him with his coat rack.'

~GW~

al fin

~GW~

/You call that an ending?/

It's what happened, I was just retelling the story.  It's not like I got to make up what happened.  If I did, I could get even with Duo for stealing my motto.

/What are you complaining about?  Your motto is "I have issues."/

Oh right, I forgot.

//The feminine five?//

Yeah, well, all superheroes have to have matching letters before their numbers and I ran out of good "F" words.

/You needed to end it with something juicy, something that pushes the limits of the PG-13 title./

Have you seen the movies lately?  We could be here awhile.

/I know.  If you won't change the ending . . ./

///Hey!  Give me the keyboard back.  I don't want to be stuck as a voice!///

It is I, Tim Cervix, the greatest author of all times!  Onto my story:

I feel your lips

I taste your skin

I need to know

I need to feel you from-

 

///Stop!  You're just stealing Stabbing Westward lyrics anyway.///

It's called a song fic.

///Yeah, but how are you getting a plot from that song?///

Who needs a plot?  You certainly never did.

///I have plots, they just suck.////

//Face it, he is the author now.  His words no longer are barred out.//

Hmm, what are Steven King books rated and how's his record on finding plagiarists?

///Just please, give me the keyboard back?///

Why should I?  You're not equipped to write the next story.  You can't even name all their mobile suits.

///What makes you say that?////

The fact that I'm a part of you and I know everything you do and I don't know.

///You're right.////

I am?

//He is?//

///Don't worry folks; I saw this in a movie once.  You're a part of me and only have the power I give you.  Therefore, you aren't really holding that keyboard.  The one with control is.///

. . .

///Hey, why did nothing happen?///

Cool!

/No fair, how come Roooobin gets to be real now?/

Didn't you hear what she said?  "The one with control is holding the keyboard" and that is me. Who knew she was a figment of my imagination this entire time?

///Okay, c'mon you guys.  This isn't funny anymore.///

She got one thing right: It's really annoying to have someone speak inside your head.  Where are those pills of hers?

///Is this the part where I'm supposed to scream in agony or something . . .///

. . .

Now what should I do?

/We need to get rid of this "no pairing" rule!/

Great idea.

Onto random pairings!  Get the Dice!  Our first number is . . . 5!  And he will be matched with . . . 5.

/Er./

Um, maybe we should quit while we are ahead?

~GW~

fin de semana!

~GW~

~Let me tell you, playing Tomb Raider without the bazookas isn't as much fun.~

~GW~

I Know a Song that Gets on Everybody's Nerves

I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves

Everybody's nerves

Everybody's nerves

I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves and this is how it goes

(Repeat)

 

~GW~

 

The (Root) Beer Song

Do, a (root) beer, a German (root) beer,

Re, a drop of golden (root) beer,

Mi, myself, who wants some (root) beer,

Fa-r, a long, long way for (root) beer,

So, I think I'll have a (root) beer,

La-ts, and lots and lots of (root) beer,

Ti, no thanks I'll have a (root) beer,

That will bring us back to Do, a (root) beer