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July 3rd
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"Mama!" Carol smiled at the toddler standing up in her crib, her arms outstretched to Carol.
"Sarah!" Carol exclaimed and swung her up out of the crib. Sarah fisted a hand in Carol's hair and gave her mother a sloppy kiss. Carol laughed and opened up a drawer, getting out a t-shirt to change Sarah into.
"No!" The eighteen-month-old exclaimed, shaking her head at the shirt. Carol smiled.
"What shirt do you want?" Carol asked. Sarah pointed at a lime green shirt with a picture of a purple puppy on the front of it. Carol smiled and reached in, pulling it out of the drawer instead. Sarah nodded with satisfaction. "And your purple shorts?" Carol asked. Sarah nodded and stuck a finger into her mouth. Carol chuckled and bent down, placing Sarah on the ground. She stood, a bit wobbly, as she waited for Carol to change her.
After she was changed, Carol carried her downstairs and into the kitchen. Doug was standing at the sink, finishing up a cup of coffee.
"Dada!" Sarah exclaimed. Doug turned and smiled before pulling Sarah from Carol's arms and twirling her around.
"How's my Sarah?" Doug asked. She grinned and patted his face.
"Hungy." She exclaimed. He chuckled.
"You're hungry? Well, I think Mama'll take care of that. I have to go to work now." Doug said. Sarah's lower lip poked out.
"Now?" She asked. Doug chuckled and snuggled her close.
"Yeah. I'll be home soon. How about we go to the park later?" Doug asked and looked at Carol. She nodded as Sarah squealed and clapped her hands together.
"Ark, ark, ark!" She exclaimed. Doug laughed and kissed her on the cheek before handing her back to Carol. Then he kissed Carol and patted her butt playfully.
"I'll see you later girls." He said and grinned at them before heading to the living room to get his jacket and shoes. Sarah turned and leaned her head against Carol's shoulder. Carol patted her back gently.
"What's for breakfast?" Carol asked.
"Toas." Sarah said. Carol smiled.
"Toast it is."
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Carol had finished putting Sarah down for her nap before she headed into the bathroom. As she sat on the toilet, she muttered a curse and reached under the cabinet for a tampon. After washing her hands, Carol went into her bedroom and sat on the bed. She buried her face into her hands and sighed deeply.
It was never going to happen. She was never going to get pregnant again. She had ruined it those couple years ago. Ruined her chance to have a child with Doug. She knew she couldn't love Sarah more than she did. She wouldn't love another child more than she loved Sarah. But Doug was not Sarah's real father. And that sliced at Carol's heart. She wanted Doug's baby more than anything she had ever wanted in her entire life.
Tears burned at the back of her throat, before they slid, fat and hot down her cheeks. We've only been trying for four months, she thought. Doug's right. It'll happen soon. There's no need to worry. So why did she? She knew that if Sarah would end up being her only child, that would be okay. She'd go on. But she would always yearn. Why am I giving up so easily? So early? It'll happen. It'll happen. She repeated over and over in her mind as the tears continuously fell.
Carol lay back on the bed and eventually fell into an exhausted sleep.
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Carol woke with a jolt. Something had woken her up. What was it? Then she heard a faint yell coming from upstairs.
"Mama! Where you, Mama?" Carol smiled slightly and walked out of the bedroom.
"I'm coming baby." She yelled. She went up the stairs and into Sarah's room. She glanced at the small Winnie-the-Pooh clock on the wall and saw that she'd only put Sarah down for a nap two hours ago. The baby couldn't have been awake too long.
"Mama."
"Sorry Sarah. Mama took a nap, too."
"Mama nap?" Sarah said. Carol nodded.
"Yup, Mama took a nap." Carol lifted her up. "Are you wet?" Carol asked. Sarah nodded and touched Carol's ear with her fingers. Carol smiled. Her daughter had suddenly become fascinated with Carol and Doug's ears lately. Carol laid Sarah down on the changing table and changed her diaper quickly.
"Where Dada?" Sarah asked.
"He's at work. He'll be home soon." Carol said. Sarah nodded, seeming to be content with that answer.
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The entire time they were at the park that night, Doug had sensed something was bothering Carol. She hadn't talked much and acted like she wasn't there. Like she was lost in her thoughts somewhere else. Doug let her think and he played with Sarah, planning to ask Carol what was on her mind later that night.
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As they got ready for bed, Doug wrapped his arms around Carol as she brushed her hair.
"Doug." She murmured as he assaulted her neck with his lips.
"Hmm?" He murmured in return as she set the brush down on the counter.
"We can't. I started." She said. His eyes met with hers briefly in the mirror before she pulled out of his arms and headed into the bedroom.
"I was just trying to suck up to you, so you'd talk to me."
"About what?" Carol asked, pulling down the sheets on the bed.
"What's bothering you." He said. She sighed.
"Nothing's bothering me." She slid her legs under the covers and looked at him. He sat beside her on the bed and cupped her cheek in his hand.
"What is it?" He murmured. She sighed and closed her eyes for a moment before opening them and looking into his eyes.
"Everything." She said softly.
"Elaborate. Specify everything." She sighed.
"I can't get pregnant." She said.
"Oh baby, I know you're worried about it. It's only been four months." Carol sighed.
"I know. But it'll soon be five months, then six, then seven."
"We'll go see a doctor if it doesn't happen by the six month." Doug murmured.
"Doug, what if something's wrong with me and that's why it's not happening? Maybe...Somebody's punishing me and not letting me have your child because I killed the first."
"You didn't kill it."
"Yes, I did." She sighed. "I let them kill it."
"That's partly my fault, Carol. I don't blame you."
"I know you don't." She sighed and bent her head. "Why is it that both times it was an accident but now that I'm trying, it's not happening?"
"It will happen, Carol." Doug said firmly. She nodded.
"You're right. I just worry." She said. He nodded.
"I know you do. You shouldn't, but you will. We'll just keep trying." Carol nodded.
"I love you." She murmured. He smiled and kissed her gently.
"And I love you." He slid under the covers beside her and waited until she turned out the light. Then he gathered her close to his chest and cuddled with her in the darkness.
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Three weeks later, Carol sat on the couch, watching Sarah play on the floor. Her mind was focused partly on Sarah, partly on Doug, and partly on the child she didn't seem to be conceiving. She knew Doug would tell her to stop worrying if she told him she still was, but more things just kept creeping into her mind and bothering her.
She had somehow gotten the thought into her mind a few days ago, that if she couldn't conceive Doug's baby, he would leave her. She knew he loved Sarah, but did he love her enough to stay? Was he jealous or angry because Sarah wasn't his? Would he leave her if she couldn't have his baby?
"Sarah?" Carol murmured. Sarah looked up from her doll, her eyes questioning. "C'mere. Mama wants a hug." Sarah jumped up on her chubby legs and toddled over to Carol. Carol drew Sarah up onto the couch and into her arms. Sarah wrapped her arms around Carol's neck and dug her hands into Carol's hair. Carol buried her face in the chubby neck of her daughter and breathed deep. Sarah's tiny curls tickled Carol's brow.
"I love you." Carol murmured.
"Sarah love Mama." Sarah said and pulled her head away. She puckered her lips and Carol smacked them with her own and smiled. Sarah could always make her feel better.
"Do you want to watch a movie?" Carol asked. Sarah nodded and smiled happily. "Pee Pan."
"Peter Pan?" Carol asked, smothering her laughter. Sarah nodded eagerly.
"Okay. Let's put it in." Carol let Sarah help her because lately Sarah had wanted to help a lot. Carol supervised Sarah as she pushed the tape into the VCR.
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When Doug came home, he found them cuddled on the couch, watching the movie. Sarah was sitting in Carol's lap, wide awake and watching Tinkerbell with fascination. Carol's head was resting against the back of the couch and she was asleep. Doug chuckled softly and walked to the couch. Sarah smiled at him and he put a finger to his lips, indicating quiet. Sarah giggled and pushed her finger to her lip.
"Shh." She whispered. Doug nodded and held out his arms. Sarah scooted onto his lap and Doug stood up, placing Sarah down onto the ground. He crouched beside her.
"Stay right here. I'll put Mama in bed."
"Mama nap?"
"Yeah, Mama's napping." Doug kissed Sarah's head before he stood and scooped Carol up into his arms. Her head rested against his shoulder as he carried her down the hall and into the bedroom. He pulled the covers down, somehow managing to hold her and get them down. Then he laid her down, pressed a kiss to her brow, covered her, and went back to the living room with Sarah.
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Carol woke, a bit disoriented. What was she doing in bed? The last thing she remembered was sitting on the couch, watching Peter Pan with Sarah. Carol rolled onto her side and looked at the door of her bedroom. She could see the soft glow of the lamplight coming from the living room and she could hear the quiet murmur of the TV. She shifted and slipped out of bed, standing up. She shivered and pulled her dark green robe over her clothes before heading out of the room.
Carol found Doug and Sarah in the kitchen, quietly coloring at the table. She smiled and stood in the doorway, watching Sarah as she sat on Doug's lap and tried to color. Her tongue was sticking out the side of her mouth as she concentrated, Doug's hand over hers in a gentle hold.
"There you go." Doug murmured. Sarah smiled and sat back, looking at her picture with satisfaction. Doug glanced up and saw Carol. He smiled. "Hey sleepyhead." Sarah looked up.
"Mama! I color." She said and held up the picture from the coloring book. Carol moved into the kitchen and smiled, taking the picture.
"It's beautiful!" Carol exclaimed as she looked at the picture of a green elephant with purple eyes, Sarah's two favorite colors.
"I told her we could hang it on the fridge." Doug said. Carol nodded and smiled at her daughter.
"I'll put it there right now. Is that okay?" Carol asked. Sarah nodded, proud of herself. Carol smiled and walked to the refrigerator, where she hung the picture with a magnet.
"It's lovely."
"I fed her macaroni and hotdogs for dinner." Doug said. Carol grinned slightly and he chuckled. "As you know, I'm not a chef. Anyways, there's some leftover mac and cheese in the fridge if you want some." Doug said. Carol smiled.
"I'm not hungry right now, but I'll eat it when I am." She reached down and picked Sarah up. "Does Dada fix good macaroni?" Carol whispered in her daughter's ear. Sarah's eyes widened and she nodded.
"Duh best." She whispered. Carol laughed and snuggled her closer.
"What did you say?" Doug asked, standing up. Sarah smiled and wrapped her arms around Carol's neck.
"Secret." Sarah said. Carol laughed.
"Yeah, Dada, it's a secret."
"Am I going to have to tickle it out of you?" Doug asked, reaching his hands up. Sarah squealed and laughed as Carol ran out into the living room.
"No Dada! No tick!" Sarah exclaimed.
"We have to run!" Carol said and bolted up the stairs as Sarah held on tight and looked over her shoulder as Doug stalked up the stairs behind them.
"Run, Mama!" Carol laughed and dashed into Sarah's room. She threw open the closet and got in, shutting the door. Sarah giggled.
"Shh." Carol whispered and held her close. "Uh-oh, I hear Dada." She said and felt Sarah's grip tighten. Then Sarah screamed as the closet door flung open and Doug started tickling her. Carol laughed and pretended to fall down as she got on her knees. Sarah squealed as she felt Doug's hands close around her and she buried her face in Carol's hair.
"Mama, hep!"
"Help me, Sarah!" Carol exclaimed as they rolled onto the floor with Doug, laughing and tickling. Carol reversed the game and began tickling Doug.
"Oh no!" He said and began laughing as Sarah joined Carol as they tried to tickle him. Doug locked his arms around them, Sarah sandwiched between Carol and himself and he rolled to the side.
"Dada!"
"Sarah!" He chuckled softly and looked at Carol. Her face was flushed and she was breathing a bit heavy. He laughed and stroked a finger over her cheek.
"We're a sandwich." Carol said to Sarah. Sarah smiled.
"Pee butter." She said.
"Peanut butter and two pieces of bread." Doug said. Sarah giggled at the thought and her chubby legs hooked to Doug's waist, one of her hands bent behind her and locked in Carol's hair still.
"Bedtime." Carol mouthed silently to Doug, over Sarah's shoulder. He nodded.
"How about I tell you a story?" Doug asked Sarah. Sarah nodded and shifted closer to Doug, finally releasing Carol's hair.
"Up." Sarah said.
"A made-up story. Hmm.." Doug formulated a story in his mind, his arms still locked around Carol and Sarah. Carol smiled and wrapped her arm around Doug's waist, keeping Sarah warm and huddled in between the two of them.
Doug began his new story and he and Carol watched Sarah slowly fall asleep as Doug's warm voice drifted over her. Doug lifted his head a bit and smiled at Carol. She smiled back and stroked a hand over Sarah's soft little curls.
"Is she asleep?" Doug whispered. Carol nodded.
"I think so." Doug nodded as Carol rolled away a bit and got onto her feet. Doug cradled Sarah to his chest and stood carefully. "Hold onto her. I'll take her shorts off. She can sleep in that." Carol said, motioning to the t-shirt Sarah wore. Doug nodded as Carol eased Sarah's shorts off. He walked to the crib and laid her down carefully before he covered her up, tucking her gently in. Carol smiled and Doug slid his hand down, taking Carol's into his own. "She's amazing." Doug said. Carol nodded and leaned her head against his shoulder.
"Yeah, she is." Carol murmured. Doug turned to her.
"Carol?"
"Hm?"
"Make love to me." Doug murmured, drawing her close. She smiled and nuzzled his cheek.
"Gladly." He led her from the room.
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After they had made love, Doug and Carol lay in bed, cuddled together.
"Do you think we made a baby that time?" Carol asked, as she did every time. Doug smiled and gave the same answer.
"Could be. Hope so." Carol grinned slightly and looked up at the ceiling.
"What is it?" Doug asked. Carol sighed.
"How is it that you know me so well?"
"I just do. What's bothering you?" He asked.
"I'm scared." Carol murmured, her hand gripping the sheets on the bed.
"Why?" Doug asked, rolling onto his side and propping his head on his hand as he looked down at her. She looked up at him.
"I'm afraid of what will happen if I can't get pregnant." Carol murmured.
"What do you mean?" Doug asked, brushing a hand over her cheek.
"If I can get pregnant, will you be mad?" Carol asked. He smiled softly.
"No, I won't be mad. Maybe a bit disappointed, but not mad. Not at you." He said. She sighed and asked the question that had been burning in her for awhile now.
"Will you leave?" She whispered.
"Leave? Why would I leave?" Doug asked. Carol looked away from him and back to the ceiling.
"Because I couldn't have your baby." Carol said. Doug gaped at her.
"You think I'd leave because of that?"
"Sarah's not yours, Doug." Doug winced, painfully aware of that. "And if I can't have a child from you, you'll leave." She said.
"No, I won't, Carol. I'm not going to leave you, or Sarah." Doug paused and brushed his thumb over Carol's lip. "You know I love her just like she was mine. I couldn't love her more if she was." Doug said. Carol's lip trembled and tears filled her eyes.
"I'm sorry about the other baby. I'll always be sorry." Carol said and a tear spilled over. Doug wiped it away, gently.
"Oh, baby, I know that it's what you had to do. I've told you that I understand. The timing wasn't right. When it is, we'll have a baby. And it'll be better." Doug said. Carol turned her face into his shirt. He felt her tears through the thin cotton and he wrapped his arms tightly around her.
"Promise me you'll never leave." Carol whispered.
"I promise. I'll be with you forever. You and Sarah and any other children when have." Doug buried his face into Carol's thick mass of curls as she clung to him, relieved.
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The next morning Carol awoke, lying in Doug's arms. She smiled and let herself rest for a few minutes, breathing him in, but she knew she should get up, get Sarah. When she sat up, she had to grip the edge of the bed as a wave of dizziness rushed over her. Carol waited until it passed, shaking her head a bit in puzzlement before she stood, going to get her robe. Suddenly her stomach jolted and she felt like she was going to vomit. She rushed into the bathroom and bent over the toilet, quickly emptying her stomach.
Doug woke suddenly to the sound of Carol retching in the bathroom. He rushed in and gathered her hair off her neck and bent over her. She gagged once more before she leaned back. When her eyes fluttered open and met Doug's her eyes were filled with hope.
"Do you..." She trailed off. He paused.
"Maybe. Don't get your hopes up..." Doug said. Carol nodded.
"I know, but...I'm never sick." Carol said. "And it couldn't be something I ate. If you recall, I didn't eat dinner last night." Carol said. Doug nodded. "And I feel fine now."
"I don't want you to be disappointed." Doug murmured. She nodded and stood up.
"When I got out of bed, when I sat up I was really dizzy for a second. I had to let it pass. Then when I stood up this hit me." Carol said as Doug supported her with a strong hand.
"Why don't you crawl back into bed."
"Doug, I'm fi-" He cut her off.
"I'll get Sarah and bring her down here to bed with us. We can spend our day off together with our daughter, in bed." Doug said. Carol grinned.
"Okay, Dada." Doug pressed a kiss to her brow.
"Later, we'll buy a pregnancy test." Doug murmured. Her brows shot up and a smile spread over her face.
"Really?" She asked.
"Yup. After lunch, okay?" Doug asked. She nodded.
"After lunch." She watched as he walked out of the bathroom to go fetch their daughter. She couldn't help but let the hope flare inside of her.
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"Ready?" Doug asked. Carol nodded.
"As I'll ever be." She said.
"Alright. On the count of three, we'll go check it." Doug said. Carol nodded.
"1..2..3." They walked into the bathroom, gripping each other's hands. They stood, staring down at the pregnancy test on the counter, for a few brief moments. Then Carol turned to Doug, her eyes filled with tears.
"I'm pregnant." She murmured. He whooped out loud and scooped her into his arms. They twirled around in the bathroom, nearly falling into the bathtub. She laughed when her feet hit the ground and they pressed their lips together excitedly. Finally.
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