The History of Final Fantasy 8.
Part One: In the Beginning...
by Andromache
Final Fantasy 8 does not belong to me, nor does its world. Sue me not. I own the characters that are not otherwise known as Final Fantasy 8 characters.
When the world burgeoned forth into existence, no one thought that it would become the way it was. Probably because there was no one to think. Humans were not even a thought. I think therefore I am and all that.
Anyways, there was the Hyne, the resident god of the world. He looked around, saw that everything was good, etc, except for the monsters. You think the world is awful now with the marlboros and toramas, but it was so much worse then. You could not swing a dead rabbit by its ears and not hit at least one of the little buggers. The Hyne decided that He needed helpers (anyone else see the Adam and Eve deal here?) and created humans.
They had legs and arms and everything. No fur or fangs, but the women talked really loud, and that scared away the nasty beasts until weapons were invented by the men to make the women shut up.
The Hyne once again saw that things were good and decided to take a nap. Gods get really comfortable beds, you know, and the Hyne's bed was no exception. He just laid right down and took a snooze. What he thought was an hour was really about several hundred years for the humans. Remember that dead rabbit I told you about? Well, humans took their cue from the living ones and multiplied. Now a human would grab that dead rabbit you were swinging about and eat it.
They did their job well as monster killers, but eventually things got boring. Kill. Eat. Kill. Repeat a few thousand times. You can see where it would get boring. Well, one day, a man, let's call him Brad for no reason whatsoever, and a woman, Janet, sat down on a log and made cutesy little eyes at each other. Most people around got nauseated by this and left them alone. Bad move. Brad and Janet figured out how to have sex for the very first time, and people were awe-inspired and had sex themselves. Everybody was having sex. I do mean everybody. This was the Summer of Love, my friend, and even the rabbits got jealous of the rate by which they were popping out babies. That childbirth thing was a total surprise too. Women started to hate men then, thus leading to lesbians later on, and the men turned to each other for comfort, thus spawning gay men.
Well, by the time that the Hyne woke up several hundred years later, humans had plenty of time to procreate. The world was virtually covered with them. Like ants at a picnic, only humans squish easier than ants. So, the Hyne wanted to control the population. Like any intelligent being, he took away the children, hoping to accomplish something. Right. Like having a healthy number of trained killers pissed at you is really something you want. Bravo, Hyne.
Anyways, the Hyne took the children and ran for it. The humans, led by Brad CCVII and Janet CCVII, charged after Him and cornered him. The Hyne tried to negotiate with them and said that He would give the children back if they would stop having sex. No dice. The humans had already discovered that sex felt really good and refused to give it up. Try again. The Hyne stuttered as the humans brandished their spears at Him a whole lot and said he would give up half his body to them and give them magic if they would leave Him alone. This was really a better idea than it sounds. He would keep the half of His body which had the stronger magic. He had to have something to make Him still feel godlike. Why can he split his body and run off with one half of it? I don't know. He is a god after all.
No one really knows what happened to the Hyne. He was lost in the massive drinking binges that followed the humans' victory. They had magic, sex, and their children back. What else could they want?
End part One.
Dedicated to the memory of Douglas Adams. (1942-2001) "So long, and thanks for all the fish."