Buffy:
I didn't sleep much last night – too much on my mind, I
guess. I mean how many twenty-year-old women have to deal with a mother with
cancer, a sister who's the mystical Key to the universe, the imminent end of the
world, the return of their vampire ex-lover who makes a career of breaking
their heart and the temper tantrums of their current boyfriend – all at once?
Just me, right? I'm that one special girl in all the world.
Well, first things first. You should deal with the
problems you can solve before trying to tackle those that are completely beyond
you. Which is why I am currently standing outside Riley's dorm room, poised to
knock on his door. I was not impressed with his behaviour last night –
he was supposed to stay there and support me, not just disappear off
to…wherever the Hell he disappeared to. But I suppose the last time Riley met
Angel the bruises didn't fade for a week, so maybe he has an excuse for not
really liking the guy. And I might possibly have overreacted at Spike slightly
for whatever torture he performed upon Angel. After all, it did all happen over
a year ago before Spike had that chip put in him and he has changed a lot since
then. But it's Angel, you know, and I hate the idea that somebody hurt him and
I wasn't there to stop it happen or make it better.
I know I shouldn't still be feeling like that over my ex.
I know I should have moved on by now. Angel's a big boy, he can take care of
himself. Like he told me last year, he's in danger every day and it usually
doesn't bother me. But that's only because I refuse to let myself think about
it. If I imagined him in pain or fighting for his life, then there's no way I
could possibly avoid rushing to his side to help. When I came to LA after
Faith, it was partially about vengeance – she'd hurt me and I wanted her to
pay. But underneath it all there was fear, fear of what she'd do to Angel,
worry that this time she'd finish off the job she started in Sunnydale, because
I knew she held as much of a grudge against him as she did against me.
And then I saw her in his arms, him holding her,
comforting her, like he used to do to me and I just saw red. I was mad that I'd
gotten so worried about him for no good reason. I was angry with myself that I
couldn't get through to Faith – that I'd come after her to kill her – when
Angel clearly proved she was just frightened and confused and needing
understanding. And maybe I was just a teensy-weensy bit jealous. Faith kills a
whole load of people and gets to cry in his arms. I love him until the sheer
intensity of it tears apart my soul, and all I get is punched in the face. We
yelled at each other then – Angel and I – and we did something I don't think
we'd ever done before when he was himself and not Angelus. We deliberately set
out to hurt one another. And that killed me, that was what made me cry all the
way home on the bus – the flow of bitterness and pain that passed between us,
where once there was only love.
Then he came to apologise and I chastised him for
treating me just like any other ex-girlfriend, because I know that we're much
more than that to each other. We made promises, we promised forever, and those
vows don't just cease to matter when two people break up. We'll always love one
another, because there's no way we could possibly ever stop. Even if we're with
other people, even if we're separated for years, we'll always be part of each
other. That's why I knew I could call him now. I knew that if I asked for his
help he would come and he would make everything okay again. Sometimes I need
someone to do that, to be my strength, to take over when it all gets too much.
And, now, I suppose I feel better. I'm not as lost or as
hopeless as I was yesterday. We have a plan now. The final ritual must take
place directly over the Hellmouth itself, so we're going to be there, hiding,
waiting. Angel and I will mount the attack, with his friend Gunn and hopefully
Riley and Spike acting as our back-up and protecting the non-fighters. Willow
and Tara are spending the day looking up protection spells, so nobody will get
hurt this time. As long as everyone sticks to the plan then everything should
go fine and life will be back to normal by this time tomorrow.
Normal. Right. That's why I'm here, to make things up
with my normal boyfriend. I'm not sure if I'm going to apologise to him
yet, or even if I have anything to apologise for. But I'll probably say
whatever he wants me to say just to make peace between us again. Riley is a
nice guy, hell, he's a great guy. He always does and says all the right
things. He's sweet and he's loving, and I'm really lucky to have him. So, I
have to make up with him again, because if I don't then I'll be alone again and
I can't face that. I really care about Riley. It hurts me when he hurts and
it's like he's part of my world now. Not quite part of me, but
definitely part of my life and I don't want to lose that.
I knock on the door. Three sharp raps, business-like.
That's how I am all the time now, everything I face is just another problem to
be solved, another lot of stress to deal with. I miss the days when things were
fun and gentle and relaxed, but then I guess this is just what it's like to
grow up and have responsibility.
Riley opens the door looking tired and dishevelled. He
rubs his eyes, like he is surprised to see me.
"Buffy."
"Hi," I say with a slight smile.
He steps aside and lets me past him into his room. It is
messier than usual, which amuses me slightly – Riley is usually so uptight
about cleaning, a side effect of being in the army. Now the mess is reassuring,
like he's beginning to relax a little.
"I wasn't expecting you," he hurriedly gathers up
handfuls of clothes and stuffs them into drawers.
"Well, I thought I'd better drop by and mend a few
fences," I reply, moving to grip his wrist to halt his frenzied tidying. As I
do so I tilt my face close to his and catch the scent of stale alcohol on his
breath. I pull away.
"Have you been drinking?"
He looks ashamed of himself. "Yeah, I kind of ran into
Spike last night and we went for a beer together."
I raise my eyebrows, I can't quite see Riley and Spike as
drinking buddies, somehow. But stranger things have happened. "What did Spike
have to say for himself?"
Riley frowns. "Only that he hates Angel almost as much as
do."
"They have a lot of history to get over," I answer
lightly, not liking the direction this conversation is starting to take.
"Yeah, 130 years of it," Riley says, his voice filled
with repressed hostility.
"Please," I sigh. "I didn't come here to talk about Spike
or Angel, I wanted to discuss us."
"Really?" He responds with a slight flash of
characteristic anger. "And what was it you wanted to say?"
I eye him warily, feeling annoyance begin to rise in me.
I came to offer the hand of reconciliation and he doesn't even seem interested
in accepting it. I take a deep breath and try to keep calm. I don't need this
upset right now.
"I don't want us to argue, Riley." I answer slowly.
His face crumples and he reaches out to take my hand
gratefully. "I don't want it either. And I'm sorry – for last night. It's just
difficult for me, seeing you and Angel together."
"I understand." I tell him, even though I don't, not
really. Angel broke up with me. He left. We aren't together anymore, there's no
way we can ever be together, so why does Riley feel so threatened? He can't
possibly be jealous. I'm with him now, not Angel. He's the one who gets
to go home with me at the end of the night, so what's the problem?
He sits down on the end of the bed and holds his head in
his hands, obviously upset by something. After a couple of seconds he looks up
at me desperately. "I just feel like I'm losing you, Buffy. Like you're
slipping away from me somehow."
I sit down next to him, slightly shocked by his display
of emotion. "I'm here," I reassure him uncertainly. "I'm right here."
"Good," he replies, gripping on to my arm. "Buffy,
there's something I have to tell you."
I nod my head slowly. "Sure, go ahead."
"It's just that all this end of the world stuff kind of
makes you re-evaluate your own life and think about how fragile it all is."
I smile slightly. "I know what you mean."
"And there's something I realised," he takes a deep
breath before continuing. "I love you, Buffy. More than I've ever loved anyone
else before."
"I know," I whisper, touched if not a little frightened
by the intensity of his feeling. I lean into kiss him softly and hesitantly.
Our lips touch briefly and then he pulls away.
"That wasn't all of it," he says and I notice he is
shaking slightly. He gets up and paces briefly around the room as I wait for
him to speak. Eventually he comes and sits back down next to me, taking one of
my hands in his.
"Will you marry me?"
I jump up, shocked beyond belief by his question. Marry?
Riley? How out of the blue can this possibly be? I don't know what to say,
I haven't the faintest idea whether my voice would even work right now.
"I-I…" I try to speak, then have to swallow deeply. "Did
I just hear you right?"
"Yes," he replies rather nervously. "I'm serious about
this Buffy. I don't want to lose you, ever."
I nod in response not trusting myself to speak any
further. He loves me, he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. And I…I…
how do I feel about him? Can I see us married, with kids and a white picket
fence? I don't even know. I can't see past this evening, let alone on to my
long-term future. I've never really thought about marriage, I never thought I
would actually survive to the age when I would be old enough to consider it. I
mean when I was sixteen I used to dream about me and Angel possibly being
married someday, but those were just fantasies of a teenage girl in love. And
since then the idea hasn't even crossed my mind. But obviously it's been a
pretty major feature in Riley's thoughts.
"I don't know what to say," I reply eventually and
Riley's face falls.
"I think 'yes' or 'no' are the customary choices for an
answer." He tries to make a joke but it falls entirely flat.
"I can't even think about this right now," I say in
confusion and slight anger at him for springing something this huge on me just
at exactly the wrong time. "I could die tonight! We all could die! This is not
something I need to be worrying about."
"It wasn't meant to worry you."
"Oh God," I moan. "I'm sorry Riley. That's not…"
"So, I'm assuming the answer's no." He says, his
expression pained.
I look into his face and at the hurt there and I feel
totally and utterly lost again, like I'm drowning in deep water. He loves me so
much and I don't want to break his heart.
"The answer's I don't know." I reach over and squeeze his
hand. "This is just a big decision and I need some time to think on it, okay?"
He smiles up at me, the light of hope shining brightly in
his eyes. And I can't help cursing myself for putting it there.
Angel:
I check my watch for about the twentieth time in the past
five minutes. Buffy isn't exactly late yet, she said she'd meet us back at
Giles' around eightish and I know from bitter experience that Buffy's
definition of punctuality is somewhat different to the rest of the western
world's, so there's no real reason to feel concerned about her. That never
stopped me worrying before, however, and it's not stopping me now.
I glance up at the clock on Giles' mantelpiece,
absent-mindedly noting that it is two minutes slow. The dial reads twenty-five
past eight. Buffy should be here by now. It's not like her to show up late for
something as important as tonight is. She fully understands the dangers, the
likelihood of the world ending, so why isn't she here? She knows she has a duty
to be fulfilled as a Slayer and she always used to be committed to that duty,
ready and willing to do whatever she could. Maybe she's changed since I last
saw her. It hurts to acknowledge, but she could be an entirely different
person, someone I don't even know anymore.
The mere fact that she's gone to find Spike to ask him to
help us out tonight shows how much things have altered in Sunnydale since I
left. Spike and Buffy used to be mortal enemies, they tried to kill each other
on innumerable occasions and now they're working together. According to Willow
he is practically part of the gang now, he goes patrolling with Buffy and helps
them defeat whatever dire threat it is they are facing at the time. And,
somehow, I'm having a little trouble actually believing this incarnation of
Spike. I've known the other vampire for over one hundred years, I brought him
up as practically my childe. Angelus taught him to be ruthless and vicious, to
play mind games with his victims and now I'm worried that this is just a case
of the pupil excelling the teacher.
If it weren't for the microchip in Spike's head that
prevents him from harming anything human then I wouldn't even have considered
letting Buffy anywhere near him. I've seen William visit as much pain and
suffering on innocent people as I ever did in my worst days and he never once
showed an ounce of remorse. He may have the chip that stops him from actually
carrying out such acts anymore, but it can't possibly change who he is inside.
It won't have taken away the bloodlust or the evil. It won't have given him a
soul or a conscience. As much as Spike may appear to have joined the good guys
now, I know he can't possibly have truly done so, because I know what it's like
to be a soulless vampire. I know the call of the demon and the sweet joy that
comes with the killing, the murder and the torture. That's who Spike is, not
some maverick warrior.
But I am sensible enough to know that Spike could also be
a help to us. Whatever his reasons or his motivations, he could provide another
pair of hands to fight the demons and as long as he can't harm humans, then he
can present no possible threat to us. So, when Buffy announced she was going to
see him this afternoon, I offered only a brief protest. Eventually, I let her
go with a warning to be careful, to always remember what William is and to
never drop her guard around him. She dismissed my concerns in a way I found
quite hurtful. Once she considered my every word filled with importance and
wisdom and now she just ignored me, presuming my motivations for warning her to
be only over-protectiveness or jealousy, rather than there actually being a
genuine issue I wanted to alert her of.
Though,
I suppose if I want Buffy to listen to my judgement, I should also respect
hers. She insists that Spike has changed, that there have been a lot of
situations recently where his help has been invaluable. She says I should give him
the benefit of the doubt. And in way I know I should, because Buffy is not a
naïve person. She knows about vampires and how evil they can be and she also
knows what Spike used to be like, when he first arrived with Drusilla in
Sunnydale. And Spike isn't the most cunning trickster I have ever met. He wears
his emotions on his sleeve, clear for everyone to see. It is obvious when he is
angry or upset and his love for Drusilla always shone through his tough
demeanour, as did his resentment of me. So, if Buffy sees good intentions in
Spike then they are probably there, no matter how improbable I find the
suggestion.
I
see Riley check his watch too and am pleased to notice the worry imprinted clearly
on his features. He is another individual whose emotions are always blatantly
obvious, but at least from that I can discern his clear love for Buffy and his
concern from her now. I want Buffy to be with someone who loves her, someone
who sees her for the wonderful, precious person that she is, someone who puts
her happiness above all else. That doesn't mean I like Riley, though. The pure
fact that he is sleeping with the woman I love is enough to lead me to want to
tear his body limb from limb, but I also have other reservations about him. He
just seems sort of unstable to me. As apparent as his love for Buffy is,
his hatred for me is equally so. He seems to be filled with a deep turmoil of
emotions, none of which he can truly handle. Waiting here with him for just
these few hours has been almost more than I could bear.
Riley
doesn't appear to be willing to make peace with me either for Buffy's sake or
for the sake of the fight we are currently embroiled in. Several times this
evening we have nearly come to blows due to his hostile responses to any
suggestions I have made or conversations I have participated in. And his
aggressive attitude extends not only to me, but also to the rest of my staff
from LA. I can understand why he might dislike me, I am after all a vampire.
I'm a monster who used to date his girlfriend. I put her through more pain than
anyone should have to suffer. If he cares about Buffy at all then of course he
hates me. But to hate my friends, just because of their loyalty to me, that I
can neither understand nor respect.
It
was better earlier on. When Buffy was here to draw the group together things
were almost civil. Riley tends to go all quiet around her, his behaviour
tempered by her presence. He dares not say or do anything that may conceivably
upset her. And Buffy takes the lead, she is finally blossoming like I always
knew she would. Becoming the Slayer gave her power and now she has the maturity
to deal with that power sensibly and responsibly. She inspires her friends,
protects them and yet turns to them for help and support when she needs it,
never elevating herself above them. She is calm and collected in the face of
danger and always utterly determined to win – a true warrior.
Seeing
Buffy again is an experience I can only describe as exquisitely painful. Her
presence lights up the room and if my heart actually beat it would race at the
mere sight of her. And there is no way I can be in the same room as her again
without falling deeply and hopelessly in love with her once more. And there
comes the pain part, being near her and loving her whilst simultaneously
knowing that we can never actually be together is pure torture. And to witness
her with somebody else, someone who has all those things I covet so
desperately, is to know Hell on Earth. But I just sit here stoically,
impassively, not letting any of these emotions show. Partly because what would
be the point? They are each and every one utterly hopeless. My love, my pain,
my jealousy, they won't help the situation any – in fact they would probably
make it even more tense. And the second reason I keep my feelings to myself is
because I have long forgotten how to share them with others even if I wanted
to. It took me all my strength and courage just to tell Buffy 'I love you', a
truth that burns eternally in my veins, so how could I possibly explain to her
(or anyone) the rest of the confused mess that is my heart.
More
minutes slip achingly slowly away and the silence still stretches awkwardly
over the room. Nobody dares to remark on Buffy's lateness, because that would
be to admit that there might actually be something wrong. I wish she were here
now, not only to assuage my fears over her welfare, but also to smooth over the
tension within the gathered group, to create some sort of cohesion that we are
going to need if we are to all band together in a battle. As it is most of the
members of our congregation won't even speak to one another, let alone fight
together.
Willow
and Tara seem too wrapped up in one another to deal with the outside world
right now. Willow's nervousness is increasing tenfold with every minute Buffy
does not return, which I suppose I can understand – she already has two of her
closest friends in the hospital, there's no way she wants to see a third there.
And Tara seems painfully shy around all these new people, a trait that is
causing me to warm to her already. Never having been the most social person
myself, I can appreciate her desire to hide away in the corner, especially when
faced with scrutiny over her lifestyle choices. And the fact that she seems to
be making an effort to be friendly, anyway, when the situation is clearly so
difficult for her to deal with, just makes me like her even more. Her and
Willow's relationship doesn't phase me in the slightest – how could it possibly
after all I've seen (and done) in 250 years of unlife? I just hope that they
won't let other people's opinions and prejudices split them up. True love is
such a rare and precious thing, so much so that when it happens it should be
allowed to blossom and grow, not be stifled or distorted by pain and
resentment. That way only leads to heartbreak and loneliness, and there speaks
the voice of experience.
Anya
made a reappearance earlier in the day, stating that she was only present
because Xander requested that she should be so and that she would only help
save the world if Buffy was going to be nice to her from now on. She and
Cordelia promptly got into a huge argument, the particulars of which I am
trying desperately to repress, although I do remember Xander, and Cordelia's
supposed romantic infatuation with him, being a large subject of contention.
Now Anya sits sulking in the corner, with Cordelia stationed across the other
side of the room as far away from her as possible. Wesley, shocked into silence
by some of the insults and the hostilities that have been flying around the
room (back and forth between Riley and I, as well as between Cordelia and
anyone who dares cross her path), has retreated into the solace of research and
now sits pouring over a book, pretending not to notice the glares we are all
giving one another. Gunn has gone for a walk, or more accurately he stormed out
in the pretence of going for a walk, after Riley made some crack about him
being no better than a vampire's lackey and I had to pull the two of them off
each other. All in all, the atmosphere is not exactly on the friendly side and
things seem only to be getting worse as more time passes.
"That's
it," Riley leaps up from where he is seated. "Buffy should have been back by
now – I'm going to look for her."
"Alone?"
I growl out, unable to hold my tongue on this matter. The idea of Riley and
Buffy on their own together in a dark cemetery is just too much for me to cope
with right at this moment.
"The
last time I checked," he snaps back at me. "Finding my girlfriend wasn't
exactly a two-man job. But then you're not exactly a man, are you?"
My
whole body tenses in response to his insult and I clench my fists by my sides,
preparing to fly at him if he makes just one more comment… But Wesley lays a
calming hand on my arm.
"Please,"
he admonishes us. "Could you just put aside your personal grievances for now
and concentrate on the task in hand. All this arguing is giving me quite a
headache."
"You're
not the only one with a headache." Cordelia interjects and I glance across the
room to see her stand up rubbing her temples, only seconds before her eyes roll
back in her head and her knees begin to buckle. I rush over in a flash,
reaching her side just in time to scoop her up in my arms and prevent her head
from hitting the corner of Giles' walnut coffee table.
"Oh
my God, Cordelia!" Willow shrieks.
"What's
the matter with her?" I hear Riley say simultaneously.
"She's
not dying is she?" Anya adds with anxiety. "It wasn't my fault. Wishes I make
don't come true any more, remember?"
"Vision."
I explain tersely, as Cordelia begins to stir in my arms. I wipe the stray
strands of hair from off her face and gaze searchingly into her eyes, which
flutter open full of fear.
"What
is it?" I ask softly. "What did you see?"
I
am aware of the whole room gathered behind me, listening in tense anticipation
as Cordelia struggles to form the words.
"Spike,"
she chokes out, climbing ungainly to her feet with my aid as she does so.
"Has
something happened to him?" I ask with not much concern, if Spike was the only
subject of her vision then I am not particularly worried.
"You
could say that," she replies equivocally. "The chip – it's gone. And…and-" she
hesitates slightly, causing my whole body to stiffen in alarm. Suddenly I don't
like what I'm hearing. Cordelia takes a deep breath and fixes me with sorrowful
eyes before continuing.
"He's
got Buffy…"
To be continued….
Yes, I know leaving it
there is bordering on sadism, but I thought that if Joss can be that evil then
so can I. But don't worry, I am already working on the next part and it'll be
up as soon as possible. In the meantime, remember to fill in the review box and
thank you for reading!