Buffy:
It feels weird heading out on patrol with Angel. Weird
for a lot of reasons. Firstly, it brings back memories of other times spent like
this. I'd forgotten how it feels just to have him hovering close behind me.
Over the years Giles has spent hours and hours trying to get me to hone my
inbuilt Slayer senses. He says I should be able to just reach out with my mind
and feel the position of a vampire near to me. But even after all that
practice, the only vampire I can achieve the trick with is Angel, and I think
that's more to do with our relationship than any supernatural ability. Usually,
I hate patrolling with anybody, but with him it's different. I don't have to
even make an effort to be aware of his every move, I just know exactly where he
is and what he's doing, as my skin and my gut and my unconscious mind can just
sense it. And I feel totally safe with him, because I don't have to worry about
protecting him. He can manage for himself, as well as take care of me, quite
easily.
So, I should be enjoying this patrol, revelling in the
sight of Angel's lithe, graceful body as he quickly dispatches a fledging
vampire that dares to cross our path, and secretly loving each little spark of
electricity that jumps between Angel and I whenever we get too close to once
another. And I would be enjoying it, apart from the terrible awkwardness that
hangs in the air between us and the deep ache of guilt and pain that exists in
my heart. Last night I told him I never wanted to see him again, which I guess
was true at the time. I don't want to have to see him and be faced with the
spectre of what I want so badly, yet can never have.
It's
easier when he's not around – he got that one right – because then I forget. I
forget how my stomach flip-flops every time he walks into a room. I forget how
his eyes are so incredibly intense that when he looks at me, I get the sense he
can see straight into my soul. I forget how my lips become sore and dry and
ache for the feeling of his upon them. I forget how strong his arms are, how
hard his muscles, how soft his voice, how heart wrenching his distress. I
forget how much I long to hold him, to touch him, to comfort him, to coax his
frown into a smile, to stop him ever hurting again. Most of all, I guess I
forget how much I love him.
So,
it's difficult to be here in the very graveyard where we spent so many hours
innocently kissing, naively planning our futures together. It's hard to look up
at the same moon that once witnessed our togetherness and know that it now sees
us apart. I'm marrying Riley, because it's the right thing to do. It's the
sensible thing to do. He loves me and he can give me a good life. We talked about
it this afternoon. Riley wants to join the army again. He won't be special ops
like he once was, he'll just be another average soldier going about his
business on some military base somewhere. And once I'm his wife, I can go with
him.
It'll
mean leaving Sunnydale and all my friends, but maybe that's a good thing. Once
the Hellmouth is closed they won't need me here now, anyway. I'll be starting
over again, just a normal girl and her normal family – it's everything I've
ever wanted to be. And I can take Dawnie with me too, that way she'll be
properly protected from Glory. I'd just like to see even someone as powerful as
her break into a high security military compound and steal my sister away from
me. It's the best solution all round really.
"Angel,"
I break the silence that has stretched between us since we left the house.
"When all this is over, I'm going to leave."
He twists around to look at me in surprise and I realise I have almost echoed his exact words from when he left me.
("I'm not going to say goodbye. I'm just
gonna go…")
"Riley,"
I continue hesitantly. "He, uh, wants to join the army again. Get a transfer
somewhere with them and I'm gonna go with him. It'll be nice – we'll get to
travel all over the world. I always wanted to see Europe."
He
briefly flicks his eyes over in my direction before turning back to study the
ground. "It's not that special."
I
shrug. "Well, anyway…"
"Let's
just find Spike, shall we," he interrupts abruptly. "I'd really like to get
this finished."
I
nod in agreement. "You're right. We should finish it now."
We
lapse back into silence, wandering the cemetery in search of our quarry. Every
action is familiar and yet totally different, because where there used to be an
inherent closeness between us, now there is only a yawning distance. Angel
touches me briefly on the arm to catch my attention and I recoil in shock,
pulling away from the burning sensation of his fingers on my skin.
He
nods in the direction of a nearby crypt, communicating to me that Spike is in
there. I don't ask how he knows this – it's probably a vampire thing that I
wouldn't want to hear about anyway. Silent predators, we move slowly across to
the mausoleum, I with a stake firmly gripped between my fingers, Angel sliding
automatically into game face.
Angel
smashes open the door and in a blur of movement has Spike pinned up against the
opposite wall by his throat. There is a sound of smashing glass as Spike's beer
bottle falls to the floor, its contents spreading out in a sticky puddle.
"Well,
well," Spike speaks as best he can, considering he is in one of Angel's death
grips. "If it isn't the Slutty the Vampire Slayer and her fairy godfather."
"Let
him down, Angel," I say, worried that too much violence towards Spike might
antagonise him and make him refuse to help us. "He's not going anywhere."
Reluctantly Angel throws Spike on the ground, eliciting a sharp cry of pain
from the younger vampire, which I can't help but derive a little perverse
pleasure from. Obviously, some violence is all right and perhaps even
mandatory in Spike's case.
"
I've been expecting you two." Spike mutters from his position slumped on the
ground.
"You
couldn't have tidied up the place a little before we came then?" I quip,
surveying his debris-strewn lodgings.
"Sorry,
love," he replies, climbing to his feet. "The cleaning lady only comes twice a
week on Tuesdays and Thursdays."
"Well,
it's good to know that they'll be somebody to sweep up your dust after we stake
you," Angel growls and I flash him a warning look. The last thing we need is
for his temper to get out of control and result in the death of probably our
only chance of saving the world.
"Of
course," I remark in a conversational tone. "We wouldn't have to stake you if you
agreed to help us with a little something."
"What's
that, love?" Spike feigns disinterest. "Soldier boy pissing you off already.
Because, I'm sure Angelus here would be more than happy to take him out for
you."
I
swallow down my anger and force myself to smile sweetly instead. "Actually, I
was thinking more along the lines of you getting in contact with a certain
group of demons hell-bent upon destroying the earth."
Spike
regards me suspiciously for a moment. "And what makes you think I would have any
idea where to reach said demons?"
"Well,
they were the ones who took that chip out of your head, weren't they?" Angel
interjects.
Spike
nods guardedly. "Yeah, but they approached me, not the other way around."
"So,
you haven't a clue where there are?" Angel asks.
Spike
shakes his head. "Not the foggiest, mate."
"Oh,
well then, I guess you're no use to us alive then," I raise my stake
threateningly and Angel, picking up my cue, mirrors the action.
"Hang
on, hang on," Spike backs away from us, holding both his hands up in the air.
"Maybe I could ask around, see what I can arrange for you."
"Maybe?"
"Definitely,"
he corrects himself. "And if I do this then I don't get staked, right."
I
glance over at Angel who doesn't look particularly impressed by the idea, but
eventually nods. "Right," I agree.
"That's
an absolute promise is it?" Spike asks suspiciously. "Because I don't want to
fulfil my part of the agreement then have you two reneging and deciding to have
a little 'let's dust Spike' party after all."
I
roll my eyes, sighing heavily. "I promise I won't stake you, Spike."
"What
about lover boy over there?" Spike nods in Angel's direction.
Angel
flashes me a dark look then spits out his own guarantee. "I give you my word."
Spike
perks up a little. "How's about throwing in a little extra incentive then. A
bit of slap and tickle with the Slayer here would significantly improve my work
ethic."
Angel
growls audibly, his expression of complete fury enough to make even Spike
nervous. "Alright, alright, I get your point. I promise to be a good little
vampire. Now what was it you wanted me to do?"
Giles:
The hospital room is packed to the rafters and the chattering
of all my visitors is beginning to give me a headache, but that still doesn't
stop me being incredibly glad they're all here. It has been terribly lonely in
hospital these past few days, enough to make me look back at my life and regret
some of the things I've missed out on. I would have liked a wife and a family,
but somehow it just never happened for me. I was too wrapped up in my books, I
suppose, too drawn up into the world of mythical monsters and musty tomes to
ever bother with dating and all its related pursuits that I found equally
trivial. But now these children – or rather adults, for they have grown-up into
the most wonderful young people one could ever hope to meet – are my family,
and to have them around me again is truly the best medicine I could hope for.
Ever since Willow, Xander and Buffy arrived this morning
there has been a steady stream of people in and out of my room, lightening my
spirits immeasurably. Wesley popped in to give his regards and pass on those
from Angel and Cordelia. Anya came, armed with a pineapple – in order to hold
up the tradition of giving fruit to sick people – watched half an hour of cable
television then left again. Tara even dropped by briefly to give me the very
kind gift of a healing talisman, something she made herself especially to
promote my recovery. Despite my initial reservations about her and Willow's
relationship, I am beginning to very much like that girl. She is a little shy
and retiring, but she has a huge heart with a tremendous amount of love in it.
It would seem that Willow managed to pick a better match for herself than any
of us ever could have managed.
Also amongst my visitors this morning was Riley. He came
before all the rest and shocked me by asking my permission to marry Buffy. He explained
that for as long as he'd known Buffy he'd seen her treat me as much as a father
as a Watcher and that he wanted to know that I approved of the marriage before
entering into it. As flattered as I was to discover that Riley saw me in such a
light, I had tremendous difficulty responding to the question. Firstly, it
seemed to come completely out of the blue. I'd understood that Buffy and Riley
were, and excuse me if my vernacular is incorrect here, only dating. It's
natural for young girls to have boyfriends in college, with the emphasis on the
plural. As little as I'd like to see Buffy parading from one man to another,
I'd always thought she'd at least meet different people, learn to live in the
world a little, before jumping into marriage with the first boy she met.
In fact I think I would have been less surprised if it
had been Angel coming to me to ask for Buffy's hand in marriage, even though
they've been split up for over a year now. But Buffy always seemed to throw
herself into her love affair with Angel in a way she never has done with Riley.
He filled her entire life and heart and when she was with him she was inclined
to do rash, impetuous things like rush into sex or get engaged. With Riley,
however, she's always seemed more measured in her affection, more mature. And I
never even imagined their relationship was serious enough to make marriage an
option.
Eventually, I think I gave Riley some line about his not
needing my permission. Buffy is her own woman, I told him, as independent as
they come, and the only opinion that matters in this situation is hers. Riley
looked a little disappointed by this verdict, as if he wanted me to say
something more, something along the lines of how pleased I was for them both or
how happy it would make me. I couldn't say either; because they would both have
been lies. Honestly, I think Buffy is too young to get married and even if she
wasn't, I don't believe Riley would make her a good enough husband, anyway. He
is a very polite and charming young man, the epitome of responsibility and
reliability, but he doesn't really match very well with Buffy. He doesn't
appear to fully understand what it means for her to be the Slayer and the
lifelong commitment that is for her. But then maybe I'm wrong, maybe he's the
perfect match for her and I just can't see it. I sincerely hope so, anyway.
These worries have been nagging me all morning, all
through Xander's mindless chatter and Willow's worried diatribe over Angel's
soul. Strange that she should be the one to exhibit the most concern over the
issue, whereas Angelus' reappearance would most likely affect Buffy and Angel's
LA associates the most significantly. However, I suppose that Willow feels a
little responsible over Angel's soul, since she was the one to return it to him
the second time over. She is probably concerned that she made a mistake with
the curse, which is only just beginning to show itself. To that end I reassure
her – she did everything correctly when it came to restoring Angel's soul and
whatever is going on now, if anything, has nothing to do with her.
Far from being comforted by this, though, it only gets
her more agitated. "You really think there could be a problem then?" She asks
anxiously. "That Angel is in danger of losing his soul?"
I sigh deeply. "What exactly was it you say Tara saw
again?"
"A dark swirling shadow then a brilliant bright white
light," Willow answers confidently. "Do you think that's significant, because I
could try researching it."
"I think you have enough to worry about at the moment
what with tonight's confrontation against the demons," I remind her. "Is
everything ready for that?"
"Oh, yes," she nods. "Tara and I stayed up late last
night preparing the spell ingredients. Buffy and Angel made the arrangements
with Spike. And everyone else spent the evening stockpiling weapons."
"And may I just add here exactly how many fun-filled
hours of entertainment can be gained from the simple practice of stake whittling,"
Xander interrupts from his position in front of the television. Apparently
cable is not something he can afford, so he has decided to make up for lost
viewing hours by taking up station in my hospital room.
"Well, next time you can go and negotiate with the evil
perverted vampire and I'll stay home making the stakes," Buffy replies
sarcastically.
Ignoring both of them, I turn back to Willow. "Have you
practised the chanting? Some of those Latin pronunciations can be quite tricky,
you know."
"They're fine," Willow smiles broadly. "It's a pretty
simple ceremony, which is actually a little worrying considering its world
ending effects."
"You shouldn't underestimate these things," I lecture.
"One small mistake and everything could go wrong. Remember you can't possibly
be over-prepared."
"It's all under control Giles – stop being such a worrywart,"
Xander interrupts.
"Well, isn't there something left to be getting on with?"
I ask, looking pointedly over towards Buffy, who is gazing distractedly out the
window, and trying to hint that I'd like to be left alone to talk with her.
Willow looks at me strangely as I tilt my head in Buffy's direction, miming a
conversation using my hands as mouths.
"Umm, sounds like?" Xander makes a joke of my actions,
causing Buffy to turn around again. "Are those ducks?" He continues. "I know, I
know! It's the movie with the kids' ice hockey team, right? The one with
Michael J. Fox in it."
I drop my hands and shoot him a withering look. "Just
forget it."
"Oh!" Willow has suddenly caught my meaning. "Uh, I
remember what we forgot to do! Chicory, we need more chicory – you know, for
the burning and stuff. They were all out when we went to buy some last night.
Apparently, there's been a rush on it lately – kind of like a chicory fad."
"And there was I using basil in all my spells," Xander
quips. "I am so behind the times."
"We have to go and fetch some now," Willow insists,
grabbing Xander's arm. "Before the shop shuts."
"At one o'clock in the afternoon?" He asks incredulously.
"It's, uh, half-day closing because of, um, the owner's
birthday! Yeah, that's right, it's his birthday and they're having a big party,
so we have to get there before everybody leaves." Willow drags Xander towards
the door. "Now, c'mon."
"I'll come too if you want, Will," Buffy offers and her
face falls dramatically.
"No, uh, no. It's really more of a two person job," she
hurriedly exits the room. "Bye!"
Buffy raises her eyebrows at me, and smiles. "You know if
you wanted to talk, then you could have just said so."
"Yes, well, er, quite." I stutter back meaninglessly in
reply.
"So, what's up?" She settles down in a chair next to the
bed.
I think for a few moments about how to broach the subject
and unable to come up with some tactful way to introduce it, I decide instead
to go for the direct approach. "I thought we might discuss a few things. Like
your engagement to Riley for instance."
She pales visibly. "Did Willow tell you?"
"No, Riley did."
"Riley?" Buffy sounds surprised.
"Yes, he came to ask for my blessing this morning."
"Your blessing?" She repeats. "What did you say?"
"That it wasn't anything to do with me."
Her expression turns hard. "Then you were right. It
isn't."
"I just wanted to talk to you about it," I say softly.
"See if you were sure."
She nods. "I'm sure."
"Really?" I try to provoke a reaction from her, something
other than what appears to be a calculated indifference. She is tremendously calm
about all this, a distinct contrast to her usual hotheaded, impassioned manner.
"So, Riley is the proverbial one then is he? The person you want to spend the
rest of your life with, that you truly deeply love, that you never want to be
apart from."
"Yes," her voice is steady when she speaks, but her hands
clench and unclench in her lap and her eyes focus anywhere but on me.
"You love him more than you did Angel then?" I ask,
knowing the effect the question will have on her and not being disappointed.
"Don't bring him into this!" She yells shrilly. "This has
nothing to do with him."
A nurse pops her head round the door suspiciously. "Is
everything all right in here?"
I nod. "Everything's fine, thank you." The nurse looks
unconvinced but eventually leaves after warning us once again to keep the noise
down. When she is gone I turn back to Buffy. "You know, I never got married
because I never found that one person who I knew I absolutely couldn't live
without. But that doesn't mean I don't believe she isn't out there. You're
still so very young, Buffy – young and beautiful and a wonderful personality –
you don't have to compromise."
"But what if I do?" She asks in barely a whisper and
suddenly a horrible thought occurs to me.
"My God, Buffy, you're not…?"
She looks up at me with tears in her eyes. "I'm so sorry,
Giles. I let you down again. I never meant to…" she takes a deep breath,
collecting herself and smiling up at me. "It's okay, though, because I have
everything under control. I know what I'm supposed to do."
She squeezes my hand tightly in hers, before getting up
the leave the room. "Buffy," I call after her. "This is forever, you do
realise. Just be certain you're making the right choice."
She turns around in the doorway, shaking her head. "There
are no other choices. It's too late for that. Besides, nothing is really
forever."
End of Part Fifteen