This chapter's a bit short, sorry!

Just Easier Than Dealing With the Pain

By: Syntyche

Chapter Three

Obi-Wan kept to himself as much as possible, but he knew his Master was watching. Many times he thought about asking Qui-Gon for help, but the same voice in his head reminded him that no one could help him anyway, and it was better to pretend everything was fine.

Today he sat by the pond in the meditation garden, trying not to think of anything at all. He and Qui-Gon would be leaving for Drymar III shortly, and there would be no avoiding Qui-Gon during the two-day trip through hyperspace.

Damn.

Obi-Wan's head slumped forward to rest on his upraised knees.

Pull yourself together, Kenobi. It'll pass soon. No use sulking out here.

No, there really wasn't. Obi-Wan sighed, rose, and with a sad backward glance at the still waters, left the garden.

Obi-Wan could feel his Master's eyes on him, boring into his back, and he bit his lip nervously. I don't want to talk. I don't want to talk. Please don't make me talk was the unconscious mantra running through his head.

He decided it would be much easier if Qui-Gon could simply read his mind - then the Jedi Master would discover what was troubling Obi-Wan, and Obi-Wan wouldn't have to listen to the voice tell him not to say anything.

But Obi-Wan hadn't attempted to strengthen their Master/Padawan bond on his end; rather, he'd tightened his shields against his Master, trying to create the surface impression that everything was fine. As long as Qui-Gon didn't push - and Obi-Wan doubted he would just yet, as his recent behavior only fell into the Worrisome category, and not Critical - Obi-Wan knew he was safe.

He performed the next step in the Kata methodically, his body on autopilot while his mind raced, wondering if Qui-Gon intended to speak to him or simply stare. But I could just tell him ... what? What could you possibly tell him that wouldn't show what a failure you are?

On the following step, Obi-Wan stumbled. He glanced over at Qui-Gon quickly to see if his Master had noticed. He had.

"Obi-Wan?"

The Padawan swallowed nervously. "Y-yes, Master?" Obi-Wan winced at the tremor in his voice. What was wrong with him, anyway?? He drew himself up stiffly. "Master?"

Qui-Gon's eyes were hard, as if he knew Obi-Wan was keeping something from him, but his voice was gentle when he spoke again. "Padawan, you've been practicing for over two hours." Qui-Gon smiled wryly. "While I appreciate your dedication to your Katas, I would much prefer you showed some of your normal politeness and resigned yourself to the torture of having lunch with me."

Obi-Wan's head lowered at the soft rebuke from his Master. "Yes, Master. I apologize." He glanced at the meal Qui-Gon had laid out on the table with a slight grimace. He wasn't much up to eating. "I'll just wash up first, if I may?"

"Of course, Padawan. Please hurry, though."

"Yes, Master," Obi-Wan nodded obediently, and hurried to the 'fresher. Quickly, he splashed some water onto his face, doing his best to avoid looking in the mirror over the sink and the stranger in his reflection that stared back at him. Detouring to his cabin to grab a clean tunic, Obi-Wan hastily changed and ran a hand through his sweaty hair, standing the damp spikes on end. There. Presentable. Not much more.

Okay. Obi-Wan squared his shoulders and sighed, wondering briefly why the thought of sitting down with his Master bothered him so, but the answer came easily enough.

It had been nearly a month since he'd last talked with Qui-Gon. He knew his despair had gotten steadily worse since then; chances were, he would slip up in front of his Master, when he so desperately needed to be strong and stand on his own.

His calm, completely controlled, I-can-handle-anything Master, who probably never despaired of anything and slept peacefully every night, content in the knowledge he had succeeded to the best of his tremendous abilities. His Master, who probably never needed reassurance from anyone.

Obi-Wan felt stupid. Depression and despair were just feelings, right? So they should go away, right?

Right. And if he couldn't make it go away on his own, then he truly was a clumsy Oafy-Wan who didn't deserve to even make it this far under Qui-Gon's tutelage.

Oh, Force. Obi-Wan sagged against the cabin wall and dropped his head into his hands. How was he going get through lunch with Qui-Gon?

end chapter three

Okay, I did not make up the nickname Oafy-Wan, it's from the Jedi Apprentice series. Just so you know.