Apologies for the long delay – the joys of college! If I have to see another exam, I'll scream. :) Your reviews are so very encouraging. Thank you.
WARNING: This chapter is rated R (just to stay on the safe side)
Just Easier Than Dealing With the Pain
By: Syntyche
Chapter Five
Obi-Wan hunched over the reader, trying vainly to look like he was concentrating on the information the screen displayed. His tired body sagged in the hard chair; it was no use. The words simply weren't registering enough to make sense.
He was buried in his misery, he wished he were sitting by the meditation pond at the Temple, and he tried not to think of how disappointed Qui-Gon would be when he discovered Obi-Wan failed to remember the information they needed. As an afterthought, Obi-Wan downloaded the files he had been looking at onto a handheld reader he could carry with him. It would cause unnecessary delay in acquiring the information, but, Obi-Wan's mouth twisted sardonically, it was better than screwing up entirely and not having anything to contribute at all.
He was still trying to ignore the memory of his failures at lunch yesterday. Thunk. Obi-Wan thumped his forehead against the top of the raised computer monitor. Thunk. Thunk. Thunk. Idiot. Idiot. Idiot! His Master must not know! He couldn't.
Obi-Wan knew he couldn't go on much longer. His insecurity ate him alive as rapidly as despair overtook his soul. He was sure he must be going mad.
Was there no way to end this insanity?
"Padawan?"
The Force around Obi-Wan was buzzing again, and to Qui-Gon's unhappy regret, his Padawan had damped down their bond so much that the Jedi Master was unable to sense it until he laid a hand on Obi-Wan's shoulder to shake him awake.
Obi-Wan's eyes snapped open, and Qui-Gon took an involuntary mental step back at the blank look of horror in the blue-grey irises. Obi-Wan was very still for a moment before the horror in his eyes faded and he carefully lifted his head from the desk and offered Qui-Gon a wan smile.
Qui-Gon might have grinned at the way his Padawan's spiky hair had flattened on one side while he had slept, but concern for Obi-Wan quickly overrode any humor he might have felt at the younger man's expense. "Padawan, this falling asleep at your desk is becoming a bad habit that I want you to avoid from now on. Know your body's limitations," he said quietly.
"I'm sorry," Obi-Wan said softly, calm control bleeding slowly back into his eyes and expression. He absently rubbed at his eyes with a fist and was quick to change the subject. "ETA?"
"Twenty minutes," Qui-Gon supplied with a frown. "Obi-Wan … " He began and hesitated, again unsure of how to approach his Padawan. He fumbled over words for a moment, and in his frustration damning his reserved nature that prevented him from reaching out to Obi-Wan. He finally settled for an awkward grasp of Obi-Wan's shoulder.
The corner of Obi-Wan's mouth tilted up in a tired half-smile, but Qui-Gon could see a slight tinge of bitterness behind it … and that look he'd first seen when he'd returned from Corellia and found Obi-Wan asleep at his desk.
Qui-Gon's heart lurched. Something had to be done. These negotiations were important, but Obi-Wan was more so at the moment. He could do this. He would do this for Obi-Wan.
Qui-Gon swallowed hard and, drawing a deep breath, knelt down so he was at eye level with Obi-Wan. His large hands came out to rest on either of his Padawan's shoulders. Obi-Wan's fatigue-dulled eyes met his with a start of surprise, and he eyed Qui-Gon warily as the Jedi Master opened his mouth to speak. "Obi-Wan, listen to me," Qui-Gon said sternly, his gaze boring into his Padawan. "I won't have much time to speak with you once the negotiations begin, but I'm here now. Is there something you want to talk about?"
He saw a hopeful look flash quickly across Obi-Wan's face, but it disappeared just as quickly as it'd been there. His forced grin, apparently intended to pacify his Master, only made Qui-Gon worry more.
"No," Obi-Wan said stiffly. "Everything's fine."
The city where the negotiations were to be held – the name of which, Qui-Gon found to his irritation, Obi-Wan had forgotten – reminded the Jedi Master a bit of Coruscant, with its' raised docking platforms high above the surface. The similarities ended there, however; unlike the city-planet Coruscant, Drymar III was pleasant to look upon with its neat cities and lush greenery. The capital city was no exception, and Qui-Gon had the stray hope that the fresh air and cleanliness would do his Padawan some good.
"Ambassador Jinn." A Drymarian with an impossibly large smile beamed at the Jedi as they exited the boarding ramp. His Basic was only slightly accented by a native warble, and his feathered head bobbed up and down as he spoke. "Ambassador Kenobi. I'm Ruthom Looke, Advisor to President Talum."
Qui-Gon nodded in acknowledgement, giving a respectful bow. Obi-Wan did the same. "Advisor Looke."
"We are most grateful for your assistance, Ambassadors," Looke said cheerfully, "As you are well aware, the trade routes of Drymar III are among the busiest in this sector – it would certainly be a terrible thing if they were to be shut down by the Akraknians. Follow me, please." Advisor Looke gestured to an enclosed walkway leading from the docking bay and, with a quick backward glance to make sure the Jedi hadn't suddenly disappeared somehow, began walking quickly towards it.
Qui-Gon smiled slightly and fell into step beside Looke. The Drymarian was very short, just reaching the middle of Obi-Wan's chest, and the Jedi Master towered over him. Obi-Wan followed silently, taking in the layout of the city below and staying alert for any signs of danger.
Looke was talking excitedly. "I'm sure you're exhausted from your long journey. Negotiations are scheduled to begin tomorrow morning – but if that's too soon for you, Ambassadors, I'm sure we can arrange – "
"Tomorrow is acceptable," Qui-Gon said gently, and the Drymarian sighed in obvious relief.
"Ah, yes, good. I will show you to your accommodations, then, and will you be sufficiently refreshed to join President Talum for evening meal?" A hopeful note shone through the alien's voice.
"Yes, I believe so."
"Very good, very good!" The little Drymarian continued to chatter as he led them across the walkway. Finally, he halted at a door and swiped an iden-card through the scanner on the wall. Then he took them through a short hallway, and finally up a flight of stairs. At the top of the stairs he paused, handing iden-cards to both Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan.
"This will be your room for the duration of your stay here." His dark feathers rippled with excitement. "I will comm you when it time to prepare for dinner."
"Thank you," Qui-Gon replied. Looke showed him how the door scanner worked, and gave them a brief tour of the large, well-furnished apartment. When the door had finally closed on the talkative alien, Qui-Gon gave a sigh of relief and turned to his silent Padawan.
"Well, Obi-Wan," he said lightly, "do you have a bad feeling about this, or are we all right so far?"
"All right so far," Obi-Wan answered in clipped tones. His eyes were darting around the room, taking in the various pieces of artwork and plush furniture. He plunked his satchel onto one of the couches and immediately dropped down next to it, closing his eyes and bringing one hand up to massage at his forehead. His demeanor warned off any further inquiries, and Qui-Gon sighed. Perhaps he should speak with Master Yoda about Obi-Wan. Qui-Gon was often at odds with his former Master, but the wizened Jedi had known both Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan from their childhoods, and indeed had had a hand in their respective training. Perhaps the old Jedi could offer Qui-Gon advice where his own pitiful attempts at resolution had failed.
Qui-Gon heard Obi-Wan's breathing slow but he knew the younger man was awake. He hesitantly touched their bond again, but found it still weak. Qui-Gon's lips tightened. It would be difficult to admit his failure with his Padawan to Yoda, but what alternative did he have? Obi-Wan wouldn't talk to him …
Qui-Gon hated feeling so helpless, but he would swallow his pride and contact Yoda tonight after dinner. Obi-Wan needed help.
Qui-Gon found the evening meal with President Talum and his family quite pleasant and a brief distraction from his earlier worries. It had been some time since he had been around small children, but the President's boisterous young triplets bolstered his spirits and calmed his soul. The Living Force flowed strongly as an undercurrent to the love shared by the family.
However, Qui-Gon noted, the somewhat noisy children seemed to be having the opposite effect on his Padawan. Obi-Wan's brow had been permanently furrowed for the evening, and his mouth was pressed in that tight line that told Qui-Gon they had better take their leave soon. He was sorry to go, but he could feel a small wave of Obi-Wan's relief as they rose to depart.
As they walked back to their apartment, Qui-Gon decided to take one last stab at reaching out to his apprentice before bringing the matter to Yoda.
"Are you all right, Obi-Wan?"
"I'm fine, Master, thank you." Obi-Wan hesitated. "Just a slight headache."
"I'll get you some meds," Qui-Gon offered, "And then I want you to go to bed."
Obi-Wan looked annoyed. "I can handle it."
"Of course you can," Qui-Gon replied, "but we have much to do tomorrow, and I'll need you at your best."
Obi-Wan's face darkened and Qui-Gon sighed. Give him space. He needs a little room. Go for neutral territory.
"Obi-Wan, can you explain the Akraknians' case against the shipping lanes? I'm afraid I didn't have much time to read the reports."
His Padawan's face went blank for a moment, and then Obi-Wan said slowly, "I'll have to get the data reader from my satchel."
"What?" Qui-Gon was surprised. Obi-Wan had always kept up on the reading assignments Qui-Gon gave him; it made Qui-Gon job much easier to have his skilled Padawan ready at a moment's notice with the minor details that could swing the negotiations in the right direction. "Did you not read the material I requested, Padawan?"
"I did," Obi-Wan said shortly, not looking at his Master.
"And you can't tell me what the Akraknians want?" Qui-Gon asked carefully.
"I can't remember," Obi-Wan shot back angrily, his body stiffening and his narrowed gaze focusing on Qui-Gon.
"Don't be belligerent, Obi-Wan," Qui-Gon said severely.
Obi-Wan's face flushed and his eyes dropped immediately, any signs of fight leeching from his stance as his shoulders slumped. "I apologize, Master," he said quietly.
Qui-Gon was tempted to reach out to the young man once more, but he refrained, tired of being rejected in his attempts. It was quite ironic. Here he was, one of the Temple's finest negotiators, preparing to settle a dispute that could have consequences on not only this sector, but the surrounding ones as well, and he couldn't even communicate with his Padawan.
He had been told before leaving the Temple that these negotiations must be successful and the shipping lanes must stay open. There was no room for failure; therefore, he would not fail.
Qui-Gon paused to run his iden-card through the scanner by their door, and glanced at Obi-Wan as he waited for confirmation.
He would not fail Obi-Wan, either.
Damn. Damn, damn, damn!!
How could he have messed up again?? The crimson flush still stained his cheeks – he couldn't believe he'd snapped at Qui-Gon, no matter how briefly. And to be chastised for belligerence like a child…
The meds hadn't helped his headache, and it beat against his temples and swelled as his anger at himself increased.
Damn it! Obi-Wan's hand shot up and a glass vase at the far end of the room flew off its pedestal and impacted against the far wall, shattering into pieces that rained onto the floor. He was instantly mortified.
Anger. Control your anger! he reminded himself as he hurried to clean up the mess he'd created. Obi-Wan plucked the largest shards from the carpet, grateful that his Master was showering in the 'fresher and wouldn't have heard the noise of the glass striking the wall.
The voice in his head was coming back, and Obi-Wan quickly dumped the glass into the recycler. He had to get away, if just for a minute. He'd been lacking the peace of the meditation pond or the Room of a Thousand Fountains, but he'd kept a sharp eye out during the walk from the docking bay to the Presidential Rooms. He would find a place he could have some peace. His Master would soon see the slivers of glass on the carpet, and Obi-Wan was simply too tired, and his mind running too fast, to be confronted over his anger.
Obi-Wan closed the door behind him softly on the way out.
Failure.
Worthless.
Useless.
And so very empty inside.
So very empty.
Well, it wasn't the meditation pond, but it would do.
From his vantage point high on a grassy knoll, Obi-Wan watched the waves gently lap at the shore before receding. Unwanted thoughts swirled around in his head, chasing after each other and beating at him unceasingly until he was sure he would really scream and lose his mind.
He couldn't live like this. He couldn't.
Something in him had shattered along with the glass vase, and Obi-Wan thought it ironic that he felt more broken inside than the vase he'd destroyed.
Obi-Wan's elbows rested on his upraised knees, and he buried his face in his hands. He felt a slight stickiness on his cheek and lifted his head to see a smear of blood on his palm. He must have cut himself cleaning up the glass; he hadn't even noticed.
He was fascinated by the long streak of red that traced down the soft flesh, and he stared at it for a moment before his gaze dropped inadvertently to the smooth skin of his wrist. Lines of intersecting blue veins were visible, and he couldn't stop the thought of just how easy it would be to slice through them and end the charade his life had become.
Obi-Wan momentarily recoiled from thinking such a thing, but the voice in his head was softly whispering the words that had chased through his head since this whole nightmare of doubt and despair had begun …
Failure…
Useless …
Worthless …
And the siren's song of the peace he would have if he ended this was beckoned to him, tempting him …
Peace.
But what of Qui-Gon – ??
He didn't want you, remember?
But that was a long time ago and it didn't matter now!!
Yes, it did.
No …
And what of his training?
They're better off without you. Just like your Master.
He knew it was wrong to think in such a way. He knew it.
It won't end otherwise.
But it's wrong!
So alone …
Please. Make it stop!
And so very, very empty.
He could make it stop.
Obi-Wan slowly drew his small boot knife from its sheath, and placed it against his wrist.
end chapter five