Before we commence, this is just a tiny note to all the users. This is not a cold medicine, nor is it a mood-altering drug. This is a pathetic comment at a parody intended to cheer the author herself up. If used incorrectly, may cause severe damage to the brain. Thus please pay attention to the following handling instructions so as to correctly and comfortably use this fanfic:
1) Before using, please empty your head as much as possible.
2) Please use in a relaxed position.
3) Though the fic is not perishable, after opening it is most effective when used as moderately as possible.
4) After using, it may produce individual effects like: felt good/bad, became hungry, forgot to do homework, lost track of time, felt it was a waste of time, felt like flaming the author*, felt like a few brain cells are dead etc. but it is already too late. Please do not be concerned.
5) Actually owning a computer with Internet access may help in viewing the fic too.
6) It helps too, if you can read (otherwise there's not much of a point is there?)
*The product's quality management expects near perfection but if by chance you have any suggestions to improve this, contact the author, Ailin, here.
Arigatou gozaimasu.
Prolougue: Mysterious Happenings
The real (key word: REAL) horizontally challenged Rose walked towards the ship together with her fiancé. It would be a good time for a holiday, she decided. She had encountered several near-death encounters recently, and every time she had a near-fatal accident, a young Asian girl with short brown hair would always happen to be nearby...
Strange.
Whatever it was, she didn't like it. Maybe a leisure cruise might soothe her nerves. She stepped onto the bridge leading up to the ship climbing up slowly when she felt two unusually strong hands shove her from behind.
"What the *censored*?" she shrieked, before toppling over.
"Gomen, ne!" the Asian girl called out, smiling sheepishly as she looked down at the woman who desperately needed a diet struggle in the icy water.
"Help, you moron, I can't *censored* swim!!!" she shrieked, before sinking further into the green-blue depths.
There was a dreadful pause.
The Asian girl hesitated, before looking down at the bubbles on the water surface.
"Ano..." she called out, pausing slightly."Sayonara?" She then turned her attention to Rose's fiancé.
The oddest thing about this entire encounter was that no one else noticed Rose's untimely demise. Not even her fiancé, who soon followed in Rose's footsteps no thanks to a certain Asian girl. Everyone went on with their business as usual. It seemed almost, almost as though it was a conspiracy by the author...
Strange...
"I HATE pleasure cruises." The dark-haired bishounen mumbled as he stepped out of the car into the blinding sunshine.
Yanagi sweatdropped slightly. "I know I should have gotten used to seeing him as my fiancé, but it is rather disturbing, you know," she said to no one in particular. "Why can't we get Recca-kun?";
"Because Recca has to play the other star-crossed lover." Fuuko sighed. Not that it was disturbing seeing Yanagi's fiancé, it was harder trying to avoid the fiancé's best friend. At least now that they were going on cruise, she got to avoid meeting...
"FUUKO-SAAAAAAN!" A brown/purple-haired (depending on if you follow the manga or anime) bishounen popped out of no where.
"RAIHA!?!?!? What are you doing here?!" Fuuko shrieked.
"Kurei-sama gave me a ticket…" Raiha explained smiling at the sweatraining Fuuko.
"He what…?!" She shrieked, turning around to give the offending flamecaster her evil eye.
"Hey, we had an extra ticket." Kurei replied shrugging slightly, replying Fuuko's evil eye with his own patented Deathglare™. Fuuko quickly kept quiet.
"I guess we should board the ship now…?" Kurei snapped. He was NOT in a good mood. It felt all… wrong. He supposed he was going to have to get a word with the fic's casting director, he may even have to use his flame, but as long as he got to stop this travesty...
Yanagi meekly followed Kurei up the bridge to the ship.
"Tickets?" A young man with a scar across the bridge of his nose asked. He looked like he really didn't want to be there.
Yanagi scrutinized his nametag. "Kou Tenka… Aren't you Kou Tenka from Houshin Engi?" she blurted out. "What are you doing here?" She looked towards the camera. "Wasn't this meant to be a FoR fic?"
"It's a family thing…" Tenka said, sighing. "The author's my father's cousin's son's wife's maternal cousin's daughter-in-law's sister's husband's brother's son's daughter's close friend."
There was a group sweatdrop.
"And dad kinda owed her a favour and stuff, so I ended up here…" he sighed."Tickets?"
Kurei produced the four tickets that he had received earlier on. They didn't look… real, to a certain extent. It looked like someone trying very frustratedly (and unsuccessfully) to get Photoshop to work properly.
Strange.
Tenka scrutinized the ticket closely."But these suites are reserved for a Miss Rose and her fiancé. And these aren't proper tickets… they're…" he trailed off, only to realize that he was under Kurei's Deathglare™. "Ahem, I'm sorry, but it's a company policy."
Kurei hurled his flame to a nearby wall, narrowly missing Tenka's head, and burning a few strands of loose hair.
There was a pause.
Tenka sighed. "Fine, come in. Like I care. Just leave the hair alone."
Kurei's entourage stepped onto the boat, to be greeted by the welcoming band. Yanagi timidly waved towards Mikagami, who was very morosely playing the violin.
Of course, as she walked away, she couldn't help but wonder why the red-headed flutist seemed to be giving her the evil eye.
And where on Earth was Recca-kun?
And why did it feel so wrong to have Kurei-sama play the fiancé?
Strange…
There was a sick thudding sound. The type of sound you heard when blunt, hard objects hit body parts.
"What the…?" Jack murmured as he turned to face the assailant.
All he could see was the silhouette of a scythe.
Strange…
Hell, that was the understatement of the century.
"Aargh! I can't stand it anymore!!! What is hime doing with Kurei that evil bastard?!?!?!"
Domon re-read the letter they had received:
|
To Recca-kun and Domon-kun, Love-life been kinda boring lately? Wondering what on earth Fuuko and Yanagi-chan have been up to? Come down to the harbour and see. Affection ne, P.S. I'm doing this for your own good… ^^ |
Domon sighed. "Oh Fuuko, I know that Uruha fellow is a lot better looking than me, but you didn't have to be so cruel… and shatter my fragile heart into so many pieces…" Domon trailed off as tears streamed down his face.
It was always a one-sided affair anyway… Recca thought. A hand tapped his shoulder. "Nani?" he asked, turning around.
"I think you dropped two tickets, ne?" A young Asian girl blurted out, holding out two tickets. "I found them on the floor near you guys so I thought they must be yours."
"Lady, if we had those tickets I wouldn't be crying so hard—" Domon sniffled, only to be interrupted by Recca.
"Of course, they're ours. Thanks lady. Jya ne!" Recca grabbed Domon and the tickets and then ran towards the ship.
"Recca, what are you doing? Don't you know those aren't ours? And we don't have any baggage!" Domon hissed.
"Look, do you want to get Fuuko back or what? And don't worry about luggage and stuff. I'll just give Kaa-san a call, and she can bring it to us using that teleportation trick of hers." Recca answered. After boarding the ship, he looked back at the girl, who was smiling at him from the harbour. Despite the sweet smile she had on her face, Recca unwillingly got the shivers.
Why did it feel like she was smiling in a deceptively sweet manner?
And why would she help them?
Why did she want them on the ship so badly…?
Unless, of course, she was (god-forbid) the author…
But that couldn't be it, no way…
Strange.
Strange.
She calmly produced her ticket.
"Name?" the long-suffering Tenka asked.
"Bottou-chan," she replied, smiling back.
Tenka put a tick beside her name and quickly let her in. Then as she walked away, he noticed she was carrying a long object wrapped in cloth… but if you looked at it closely, it almost resembled a spoon…
Strange.
Tamahome grumbled under his breath."Easy for you to say, you're not the one carrying about a million boxes of ridiculous inventions I see no market for… Why do I have to be her porter anyway," he whined.
Because it's the only way you're ever gonna prevent a nice Nakago - Tamahome yaoi.
"I don't care anymore."
It's also the only way you'll get paid.
"Kuso," he cursed.
"Name?" Tenka asked.
The girl paused. Then she took a deep breath. "Head-Priestess-Inventor-Extraodinaire-Mikagami-Obsessed-Leader-of-the-DIAC-and-President-of-the-Bishounen-Torturing-Institution-Natsumi."
Everyone blinked at her.
"Or you could just look under 'N' for Natsumi."
Tenka sighed and let her pass. He really didn't like the kind of people this cruise was attracting.
As the girl with the really long title I don't have the patience to type out all over again boarded the ship, the violin player, Mikagami looked up. He gasped.
She reminded him of a face he only saw at night…
In his nightmares.
But for the strangest reason he couldn't remember who she was or why he feared her. All that appeared in his mind was the word cattle-prod. The rest of his memory seemed to be mysteriously blocked out of his mind. And after he blinked a few times to get a better look, the girl was gone…
Strange.
"Arewelate? Arewelate?" She asked the sweatdropping Tenka as she hadnded him her ticket..
"No." He deadpanned. "Name?"
"Lynn-chan." She watched him fumble through the list. "Maybe you should try looking under crew…"
"Ah yes, here it is." He wrote a tick beside her name.
"Do you mind telling me what jobs I'll be doing? Ailin-san never did confirm it with me."
"You'll be doing part-time housekeeping with Aki and Miki and then you'll be doing some cooking. I think you're listed as guest cook for Mori-sama, our 'special guest'."Lynn-chan pondered this for a moment. "Fine by me I guess." She proceeded to board the ship, dragging the other girl with her.
"Hey wait, you've only got one ticket. Where's that girl's ticket?" Tenka asked.
"Hikarei? Oh don't worry 'bout her. She doesn't need a cabin. She can just sleep on the floor… or something. Jya ne!" With that she disappeared swiftly.
Tenka sweatdropped. He turned to the next person.
"And you are…?"
"Mayumi. Ship's doctor."
"Ah. 3M. Welcome on board."
Mayumi sweatdropped. "3M?"
"Why yes. The 3 ship's doctors' names all begin with 'M'. There's Mitsukake, Megumi and you, Mayumi. 3Ms." He smiled tiredly at her."You have some aspirin or something?"
Mayumi handed him a few white pills. "By the way, you didn't happen to see a girl called Fuuko, with long bangs, short hair, purple hair…?"
"Is she the one with pyromaniac? If yes, she went that way." Tenka said, pointing to his left.
"Thank you!" Mayumi chorused, before heading off in the stated direction.
Tenka checked his list. Most of the people were on board already, all except the 'special guest' Kouran Mori, the captain… and the cruise director.
Suddenly he saw someone in front of him. Someone tall… and thin.
Definitely thin.
Tenka sweatdropped. For the life of him, he couldn't seem to focus properly on the person. "Do you have a ticket?" He asked, wishing the awful pounding sound in his head would disappear.
I'M HERE INCOGNITO.
Tenka paused, he didn't remember the figure speaking, but yet the words appeared in his mind.
Strange.
"O…kay? Name then?"
UM… DOOR. BILL DOOR.
Tenka paused. There was something untouchably strange about this person, but hey, it's not like this cruise didn't already have a few weirdoes on board. "There's something strange about you, Bill Door, but I'm not even gonna be on this ship when it sets sail so I don't really care." He let the figure past.
The seven-foot-skeleton named Death (alias Bill Door) grinned down at Tenka.
THANK YOU.
In was then Tenka felt the strangest sense of impending doom. Like a few people were going to die on the cruise.
Strange…
"When is the ship going to set sail?" Mikoto snapped, as she grabbed a nearby waiter to relieve him of a few Bloody Marys.
"I believe the ship is supposed to set sail first, but the Captain isn't here yet… um oujo-sama… you're only allowed ONE complimentary drink?" The waiter stammered.
Mikoto snorted and hurled him across the room.
"That must be at least 15 feet…" Mokuren mumbled. "That's my Mikoto…" Mikoto grinned and cuddled closer to him, causing several shivers to go down several spines.
Meanwhile, the band had winded up as Aki and Miki had to leave for housekeeping duties and Neon was itching to 'Requiem' a certain girl with a certain ability to heal people. Mikagami on the other hand was at the bar, drowning his sorrows with a flame-haired bandit.
"It's all these sick hentai fangirls *hick*" Mikagami slurred. "They follow you everywhere, hoping to glomp you or something *hick*"
"GLOMP YOU?! You should be f***ing glad they don't do more. I've got a f***ing fanclub, that stalks you with f***ing lime jello and whipped cream," Tasuki snorted. "And don't even get me started on my mikos…"
"I wish I remembered my miko…" Mikagami muttered. "I got 3, 1 official, 2 non-official.I just can't seem to remember what they've done to me though *hick* It's like… *hick* someone blocked my memory or somethin'"
"Probably the work of a f***ing fanfic author. Next to fanclub members and mikos, fanfic authors are the next source of pure evil…"
At the other corner of the room, a boy… girl…? Ah who cares. A pretty little thing was teaching children origami.
"I'm a boy…" Saicho mumbled.
Sorry.
"There you go, it's a paper crane… kawaii ne?" He smiled kindly at the boy who was carrying a weird metal weapon thing. He turned to the other boy who was dressed in traditional chinese clothing. "And what might your name be…?"
"Ou Dokun…" he squeaked. "Or Chiriko." He lifted up his shirt to show a red symbol on his foot.
Saicho smiled, as he slowly folded the little piece of square paper. "What are you doing here?"
"Aside from studying for the Imperial exam, Kaoru-chan is going to teach me how to exist as a 'child character that's non-bishounen in an animanga and yet be noticed and still remain kawaii'."
Saicho handed him the paper ball. "So… I bet you know a lot of stuff."
Chiriko nodded. "But my biggest fear is not being able to remember anything during my exam, and then, I can't do anything…" Chiriko's eyes widened. The symbol on his foot flickered and then disappeared. Nooooo," Chiriko whimpered. The symbol disappeared, I don't know anything…" He gasped. "I'm intellectually normal… Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah…" He burst into tears.
Kaoru sweatdropped. "Ano… Chiriko-chan, you really have to stop being so uptight. What's 1 + 1 equals to?"
Chiriko paused, wiping his eyes. "3 no… 4… aaaaaaaargh! I can't do it… waaaaaaaaaaaah…" He burst into tears all over again.
The Head-Priestess-Inventor-Extraodinaire-Mikagami-Obsessed-Leader-of-the-DIAC-and-President-of-the-Bishounen-Torturing-Institution-Natsumi walked over. "Kaoru… what are you doing to Chiriko-chan…?" she asked darkly. Kaoru sweatdropped.She picked up Chiriko and carried him away mumbling. "There there…"
Somewhere at another corner, a masked man was conversing with another fangirl.
"So you see, Joker's house of cards should be expanded further. More webspace should be dedicated to… well, me. The site is named after me, so why shouldn't I get more focus? After all, the public is just dying to know more about me and my blossoming romance with Neon. And speak of the devil, here she comes."
Neon strode towards Joker very fast and very angrily. "Have you seen Kurei-sama anywhere?"
"She's crazy about me." He mouthed to the grinning fangirl, who was polishing a little ring of light. "I think he went outside to see the arrival of…" Before Joker could finish, Neon strode out. "Excuse me, sweet lady." Joker murmured to the fangirl, grinning widely. He followed Neon out onto the deck.
A black limousine pulled up, with the license plate reading "E.B" (Enterprising Billionaire… or Evil Bastard, which ever way you want to take it.)
Kouran Mori stepped out, ignoring the 'boo's from the other passengers. Then the other door opened and out stepped a beautiful brown haired girl, her face shining with innocence.
"Kurenai…?" Kurei choked, dropping his cocktail.
"I really think you stand no chance now," Joker whispered to the stunned red-head.
Neon twitched as she reached for a strategically placed hockey stick. "Joker-san…" She scowled. "SHUT UP!"
*THWACK*
Joker was sent flying back into the fangirl he had been conversing with.
"Thank you, Neon-sama," Bottou-chan called out as she watched Joker's official unofficial amber-coloured eyes spiral.
Tenka led the party on board the ship. "Ano… oujo-sama, can I have your number?" he called out to Kurenai. A flame was hurled at his head, once again narrowly missing him. "Or not." Tenka blurted out.
A posh Rolls-Royce closely followed, pulling up at the harbour.
"Ah that must be the captain right now…" Tenka murmured.
"Any idea who the captain is?" Recca asked Domon.
"No, I don't believe it being mentioned…"
"I have a feeling it's someone we know…" Fuuko mumbled.
"Neon may know him better than anyone else." Joker piped up.
Neon paused. "No way… him?"
Everyone watched in anticipation as the captain stepped out of the car.
"Hello" Jiaxian said, smiling wryly as he stepped out of the car, his hand clutching something that closely resembled… a giant spoon. "It's me, the one you've all been waiting for."
Tenka fell over. "A 15-year-old child is the captain…?"
"You have a problem with that?" Jiaxian asked, giving him the patented Chairman of the KFC Deathglare™.
Tenka gulped. "No?" He answered. The boy distantly reminded him of Kurei. He quickly let him board.
Then suddenly, a young Asian girl in a pink kimono carrying a scythe ran up the bridge to the ship. "Hello, I suppose I'm not late, ne?"
"No… and you're the cruise director, I suppose?" Tenka asked, relieved to see her.
"Why yes, yes I am."
"So I'm relieved of my duties as of now?"
"Hai."
"Thank yoooooooou." Tenka disappeared faster than you could say 'sick hentai fangirl'.
"Hey you," the girl called out to Tenka, but he was long gone. "Ah well, he'll find out sooner or later," the girl muttered, smiling evilly to herself. She turned to the rest of the passengers as she whipped the Almighty Loudspeaker of Doom™
"Let's begin, now shall we..."
"Kakakakakakakaka."
This has been a bad fanfic production © to Ailin "Wolfie", 3rd June 2000 1511hrs.