As always, thanks to the reviewers who remind me that this story is actually live and unfinished. Without your reviews popping up in my mailbox, I would definitely come to believe this story isn't worth finishing. You all are absolutely wonderful. Thank you. :)

(What? Nooooo, of course that wasn't a plug for reviews ;) resolution soon, I promise.)

Just Easier Than Dealing With the Pain

By: Syntyche

Chapter Nine

A thought managed to permeate Obi-Wan's pounding skull:

Oh. Qui-Gon is coming.

I should change.

He could feel that the front of his tunic was still damp with his own blood. No, it wouldn't do for Qui-Gon to see that.

Obi-Wan drug himself up off the couch, his eyes still half-closed with fatigue. His tired limbs trembled even as he braced his slight weight first against his hands to push himself upright, and then his legs as he tried to stand. He wavered dizzily and sank to his knees, leaning back against the couch with a deep sigh. One hand reached out for his knapsack, but it was just beyond his the grasp of his fingertips. Too exhausted to reattempt physically moving, Obi-Wan closed his eyes fully and frowned in concentration. Apart from his brief mental contact with his Master, he'd not consciously accessed the Force in some time. It was disconcerting to feel its gentle pull through him now, and with a pang of longing Obi-Wan felt it fade despite his best efforts.

Even something as simple as moving objects was beyond him now. Wonderful.

With a tired lunge, Obi-Wan snagged the strap of his satchel and pulled it into his lap. He rummaged through it until he found a clean tunic, sliding out of the ruined one and replacing it with the new without even bothering to rise from the floor. His stained tunic he wadded into a tight ball and crammed it into the bottom of the bag.

Okay. That was done. But he sure he looked quite a sight. His hands were sticky and he imagined his hair was in disarray. But that would mean he'd have to get up. And he was so tired. Obi-Wan leaned back against the couch again. He simply didn't want to think about it. Besides, Qui-Gon –

The door hissed open.

Qui-Gon had arrived.

Qui-Gon's fingers fumbled as he ran his iden-card through the slot and waited impatiently for the door to open. He wasn't sure what he'd expected to see when he burst into the apartment … but Obi-Wan sitting on the floor and looking like he'd run a couple rounds with a gundark and lost certainly wasn't it.

"Padawan?"

Obi-Wan's head turned toward him slowly and he stared at Qui-Gon blankly. "Master," he said slowly.

"Obi-Wan," Relief warred with concern as Qui-Gon crossed the room and dropped to his knees at his Padawan's side. "Obi-Wan, what happened to you? Where were you?"

Blank eyes regarded Qui-Gon tiredly as Qui-Gon carefully slid an arm around Obi-Wan's trembling shoulders. "Master, I … I was … " Obi-Wan's voice trailed off. "I'm so tired, Master. I'm just so tired. My head hurts," he admitted.

"Obi-Wan," Qui-Gon said, shifting gently so Obi-Wan was leaning against Qui-Gon's left side instead of the couch and rubbing a hand up and down Obi-Wan's right arm reassuringly. He wondered briefly if he was applying Yoda's advice correctly – but somehow this felt right. He continued moving his hand gently over Obi-Wan's bicep. "Would you like to talk?"

Qui-Gon's soothing ministrations were doing their work; Obi-Wan's head lolled against his Master's chest. "About what?" he murmured sleepily.

"About where you were, perhaps?" Qui-Gon suggested.

"Went for a walk," Obi-Wan sighed, eyes closed. "By the lake."

Ah. Qui-Gon had noticed the body of water during their walk from the docking bay. "You didn't leave a note," he reprimanded gently.

"Broken," was all Obi-Wan said.

"What?"

"Broke the vase," Obi-Wan explained. "Was … Master, I was … clumsy." Another sigh, this one laced deeply with regret.

"It's alright. We'll pay for a new one."

Obi-Wan nodded against him. Qui-Gon, encouraged by the fact that he'd gotten this far, took a step further.

"Perhaps we could discuss what has been wrong with you lately?"

Obi-Wan abruptly stilled and Qui-Gon knew with a sinking feeling he'd just lost any ground he'd gained earlier.

"I'm fine." Obi-Wan said harshly, suddenly pushing against his Master to rise to his feet, but Qui-Gon's strong arm around his shoulder prevented him from standing, and his efforts only escalated his headache. Obi-Wan gave up his brief struggle and slumped back against his master without another word.

"Obi-Wan," Frustrated with his failure, Qui-Gon tried to keep his temper in check, speaking in slow, measured tones, "You are not 'fine.' If you were 'fine,' you wouldn't shut me out, would you?"

Obi-Wan had nothing to say to that. Qui-Gon continued, "If you were 'fine,' you wouldn't be falling asleep all the time. If you were 'fine,' you would have read and remembered the assignment I gave you to study; you would have shown your normal graces and manners during both the journey here and to President Talum; and you wouldn't have gone gallivanting off around a city you don't know, especially without telling me. Obi-Wan, you're treading dangerous ground. I'm worried about you," the Jedi Master finished softly. "I want to help you; but I can't help you if you won't tell me what's wrong."

Qui-Gon waited quietly for his Padawan's reply, which was long in coming.

"I just want to be left alone," Obi-Wan said, levering himself up and out of his Master's hold. He stumbled slightly as he straightened, but he strode to his room without looking at his master, and Qui-Gon caught his whispered, "Just leave me alone."

Qui-Gon, however, had had just about enough. "Obi-Wan Kenobi."

Obi-Wan froze mid-step at his Master's frosty tone, but didn't turn or speak.

"Padawan, you will not treat me with such disrespect. I am your friend, but I am also your Master and you will show respect." Qui-Gon waited a beat. "Is that understood?"

There was a long pause during which Qui-Gon caught his breath, waiting for his Padawan's response. "Yes, Master," Obi-Wan finally said stiffly. "I'm not a child; you needn't treat me as one."

"Then don't act like one," Qui-Gon replied evenly.

Obi-Wan half-turned, a bitter glint in his blue-grey eyes as he regarded his Master, but he turned away without a word and his door closed behind him.

Qui-Gon had already left the apartment by the time Obi-Wan made his appearance the following morning. Obi-Wan scanned quickly the message Qui-Gon had left him – it was an outline of his Master's itinerary for the day's negotiations, and a tersely worded addendum to the bottom that suggested Obi-Wan's presence was optional. The datapad of information Obi-Wan had downloaded was missing; the fact that Qui-Gon had taken it instead of waking him to join him spoke volumes to the Padawan about not only the tension that was now heightened between them, but also Qui-Gon's new distrust in his apprentice's abilities.

His Master's disappointment stung, but Obi-Wan shrugged it off. Now he knows, anyway, he consoled himself, that I really can't do anything right anymore. I am a failure.

The voice that whispered in his mind agreed.

Obi-Wan tried to reach for the wonderful sense of insane lightness he'd felt the day before, but it was elusive; all he carried was the ever-present headache. He rubbed at the scar on his right wrist absently, wondering what he should do for the remainder of the day … if Qui-Gon didn't even want him at the negotiations, then there was no reason he should bother with going.

Obi-Wan headed for the fresher with a set of clean clothes, carefully avoiding looking in the mirror as he passed the sink. A short time later, shaved and clean, he emerged feeling worlds better than he had when he'd risen.

He was somewhat surprised to see a light blinking on the comm console, signaling that they had received a message while he'd been in the fresher. Hmm. Curious, Obi-Wan flipped the switch, wondering if maybe Qui-Gon had changed his mind and decided to give his errant apprentice another chance.

It was from Master Yoda. Obi-Wan's lips pursed. He didn't know when Qui-Gon would return, and perhaps the message was important. He flicked the toggle that would connect him to the Temple, hooking an ankle around the chair behind him and pulling over to sit on while he waited through the appropriate channel connecting. Finally Master Yoda was staring at him, and Obi-Wan realized he had absolutely no idea what to say.

"M…Master Yoda. Greetings." It wasn't much, but it was a start.

"Greetings, Apprentice Kenobi. Searching for Master Qui-Gon, I am."

Obi-Wan took a stab at steadying his voice. "Master Qui-Gon is attending the negotiations, Master."

One of Yoda's eyebrows lifted. "Without you, young Obi-Wan?"

Swallowing his embarrassment, Obi-Wan nodded. "Yes, Master." Sensing Yoda wished him to elaborate, he added weakly, "We had a … disagreement, Master."

Yoda, of course, didn't mince words. "Your fault was it, young Obi-Wan?" he questioned.

Obi-Wan bowed his head in contrition. No, he couldn't blame his Master in this matter; the fault was entirely Obi-Wan's. "Yes, Master Yoda."

"Keep you from his side, it should not," Yoda stated gravely. "Where you belong, that is."

"Yes, Master," Obi-Wan replied.

"Message for Qui-Gon, I have," Yoda continued, "Inform him, you will. Speak with you both later, I must."

"Master Yoda," Obi-Wan interjected hurriedly, before the aged Master could close the call. "Master Yoda, I must tell you something." Yoda's eyes met his expectantly, and Obi-Wan drew a deep breath. Suddenly he had to tell someone what he'd done – someone who wasn't Qui-Gon – and the comforting presence of the Master he'd known since birth had worn down his barriers somewhat.

"Speak then, young one," Yoda encouraged, and Obi-Wan nodded.

"Master Yoda, last night I … I … " Obi-Wan faltered, swallowed hard, and pressed on. "Last night I went out alone and Master I … I was feeling such a failure … I can't do anything right anymore, and it hurts so badly Master, I just wanted it to stop, and I thought I could make it stop and I had a knife Master I had a knife and I had cut myself earlier and it was so tempting Master that I, I took the knife Master and I … " Obi-Wan realized he was rambling and raised helpless eyes to the holographic image of his old Master. Yoda was regarding him with eyes that looked immeasurably sad in a lined face.

"Tried to take your own life, you did."

"Y-yes, Master," Obi-Wan affirmed miserably. "I very nearly succeeded … but somehow I used the Force to close the wounds … and there was a woman … a Drymarian woman who helped me. She … she knew, Master Yoda, I saw it in her eyes. She knew what I had done and made me promise not to try again."

Yoda was quiet for a moment. "Told Qui-Gon what you did, have you?"

Obi-Wan's gaze dropped to the floor. "No, Master. I cannot tell him."

Obi-Wan thought Master Yoda would say more, scold him perhaps or offer advice, but the Jedi Master was silent. "Master Yoda?" he prompted.

Yoda's large eyes blinked. "Contact me, you will, if feel that way again, you do," was all he said.

"Yes, Master," Obi-Wan inclined his head respectfully as Yoda closed the connection. When the Jedi Master's image had faded, Obi-Wan let his head drop into his hands. Had he done the right thing by telling Master Yoda? Could Master Yoda help him?

Obi-Wan had a sudden sickening thought.

And would Master Yoda tell Qui-Gon?

end chapter nine