I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I didn't realize the last post was a cliffhanger! Thanks to Rogue Spirit for cluing me in. I guess I'm also clueless on 'tissue warnings,' so if anyone has read my other fic, "Please Don't Go," I sincerely apologize for the lack of an, um, 'tissue warning.' :) I had no idea.
On with the show …
Will Obi triumph over his despair?
Will Qui-Gon actually sit on his apprentice??
Will Yoda tell Qui-Gon about Obi-Wan's attempted suicide?
Will Syn ever actually *finish* this story?? ;)
I'll tell you straight off that this is a cliffhanger chapter, so you may want to wait until the next post before reading this one. However, I'm trying to get the next chapter finished ASAP, because I don't like leaving cliffhangers, either. ;)
Just Easier Than Dealing With the Pain
By: Syntyche
Chapter Ten
Qui-Gon Jinn was not in a pleasant mood. His latest attempts at negotiation with Obi-Wan had fallen utterly and painfully flat. The great Jedi Master was at a loss for what to do with his apprentice; Obi-Wan, his Padawan, his son, was fading before his eyes and Qui-Gon felt powerless to stop him.
Yoda's advice rang hollow in his mind: action, Qui-Gon needed to take. What kind of action? What could he possibly do that he hadn't yet done? Obi-Wan resisted all his efforts. Qui-Gon had been so sure, so sure, last night he would be successful. Today, his fatigued body and eyes red-rimmed with exhaustion from a sleepless, restless night were vivid reminders of his failure. He'd attempted meditation far into the evening without success, and even trying to rest evaded him as his mind churned desperately, searching for a way to help Obi-Wan.
It hadn't helped that his patience with Obi-Wan had snapped when Obi-Wan had started to walk away. Qui-Gon emitted a deep sigh and brought his thumb and forefinger up to massage the high bridge of his nose. He needed some space and time to consider his next move. He'd left Obi-Wan a copy of his itinerary and taken the young man's notes, leaving Obi-Wan with the option of attending the negotiations or staying at the apartment. He sincerely hoped Obi-Wan wouldn't wander off again; his Padawan had been distant before they'd come to Drymar, but since Obi-Wan had ventured out alone last evening, there was the reemergence of strong discord wrapped tightly into his Padawan's Force signature and belying Obi-Wan's mostly controlled outward behavior.
Qui-Gon sighed again. Suddenly his two weeks on Corellia seemed like a very, very long time ago.
We had a disagreement, Master.
"Keep you from his side, it should not."
Yes, Master.
Obi-Wan Kenobi's feet felt impossibly heavy in his thick nerf-hide boots. His usual confident stride had degenerated into a slow trudge as he wearily made his way to the negotiation chamber. Qui-Gon didn't even want him there – why should he bother going? He would be of no use, anyway.
"Keep you from his side, it should not."
But Master Yoda was right. He belonged at Qui-Gon's side, whether his Master wanted him there or not. Just as Qui-Gon had made a promise to train and protect his Padawan, so Obi-Wan had sworn an oath of fealty to his Master in return. He had already tread on his Master's patience with his disrespect; it would be up to him to make things right. He would apologize to his Master during the recess.
Obi-Wan climbed the short staircase leading to the negotiation chamber's paneled double doors. How would Qui-Gon react to his presence? Obi-Wan's headache roared and he was sure his stomach had hardened into permacrete. The doors swung open under his touch, and he stepped inside the chamber.
Hmm. Nice. Like everything else in the capital city, the negotiation chamber was designed to be functional, without extra trimmings and decorations. It was plain, but elegant in its simplicity. Obi-Wan gave it a silent nod of approval before looking about for his Master.
Qui-Gon wasn't hard to spot – he towered over the small Drymarians, but in his diplomatic mode, he stood out even among the humans gathered to negotiate their side of the treaty, tall and dignified as he presided over the assembled peoples, and Obi-Wan felt a momentary rush of warm pride in his Master.
He seemed to have timed it right; the negotiations were in a brief recess. Concentrating, Obi-Wan carefully sent, Master? and waited for Qui-Gon's calm gaze to settle on him. Qui-Gon didn't look displeased to see his apprentice, but neither did he look especially pleased, Obi-Wan thought.
Well, of course. It's you, after all.
Obi-Wan squelched the bitter laugh that agreed and waited until his Master beckoned before closing the doors quietly behind him and joining Qui-Gon on the dais.
"Master," he greeted quietly.
"Obi-Wan." A brief squeeze on his shoulder, and Obi-Wan was supremely grateful for the contact.
"I … apologize for my lateness, Master … and also for my disrespect last evening."
"Thank you, Padawan." Qui-Gon smiled slightly. "Both apologies accepted."
Obi-Wan's face scrunched in a frown. Somehow he felt there should be more than that. He tried again, "Master – "
"You have much to learn, young one," Qui-Gon said dismissively, trying to be gentle but knowing he needed to center on negotiation, "and we will learn it together. But right now we have a great deal to focus on here."
In other words, Obi-Wan realized, you had your chance to talk and blew it. Several times, as a matter of fact. He discovered he was disturbed and relieved by this: disturbed that he thought he might be ready to share some of what he was feeling with Qui-Gon, and relief that he didn't have to.
"Yes, Master."
Obi-Wan stayed close to his Master's side throughout the long process of working out an agreement that would be acceptable to both parties. There were several times Obi-Wan was sure the peace process would fall through, but he watched with admiration as Qui-Gon guided them through the brief crisis moments with strength and calm purpose. Finally, the negotiations were called to a halt for the day. Obi-Wan sighed in relief as he and Qui-Gon exited the somber atmosphere of the building and stepped into the bright sunlit street.
"Obi-Wan."
Obi-Wan's eyes were closed – for just a minute, his spirit was quiet and he was content in letting the warm sunlight bathe his upturned face. "Yes, Master?"
"I sensed you wanted to say something important earlier," Qui-Gon said slowly, trying to find words that wouldn't jostle his apprentice's sensitive nature. "If you'd like to speak now … " he trailed off, leaving Obi-Wan the space to pick up the conversation if he chose.
Obi-Wan did. You can do this, he told himself. He knew the voice would respond immediately, and he wasn't disappointed.
No, you can't! Shut up!
"Master, I … lately, I've … "
Shut up! Shut upshutup!!
"… been feeling … worthless, Master, and – "
Oh, Force! You actually said it! Obi-Wan felt ill, his brief sense of contentment shattered and his head pounding.
" – and – "
"Obi-Wan." His Master's hand was on his shoulder, and they had stopped walking. "Obi-Wan, you're not worthless."
Obi-Wan's eyes shot open. "Master – "
"Padawan, that's a ridiculous notion. If that's what has been troubling you – "
Obi-Wan's jaw clenched at his Master's casual dismissing. "Master, please let me finish," he ground out quietly. Shut upshutupshutup!!
Qui-Gon's hand dropped. "Go on, Padawan."
"I – I … "
With a start, Obi-Wan suddenly realized he had absolutely no idea what to say next. Anything he'd planned on saying to Qui-Gon had disappeared from his brain like a vapor. He'd done it again, closed up inside himself and knew he must look like a fool to his Master. The blood rushed to his head and he wasn't sure if he was going to pass out or vomit. You're so close, he told himself desperately. Say something! He can help you …
"Master, I … "
"Padawan?" Qui-Gon prompted, unaware of the battle that raged within Obi-Wan's mind. Obi-Wan turned helpless eyes to his Master.
"I … "
Obi-Wan was miserably sick. A bolt of bright agony shot through his head and he sank to his knees on the sidewalk. He was aware of his Master beside him, the curious passersby, and Qui-Gon's urgent voice speaking to him, but the roaring in his ears prevented him from making out the words. His head fell to his upraised hands as he felt the mental shields he'd so carefully erected begin to unravel. No! he cried desperately, scrabbling to grab at the threads just as Qui-Gon in his worry gathered all his strength and slammed at his barriers.
Obi-Wan gasped in pain as his Master burst through his weakened shielding and barreled into his mind, breaking open locked doors and illuminating dark corners, leaving his mind vulnerable, exposed, naked. Tears sprung to his eyes but he made no move to dash them away.
Horrified at the dark and chaotic jumble that were Obi-Wan's thoughts and feelings Qui-Gon's breath came out in a stunned rush. Oh, Force, he breathed, and Obi-Wan heard him quite clearly over the bond Qui-Gon had reopened with his abrupt entry.
Obi-Wan panicked, afraid his Master now knew everything and surged to his feet, fighting off Qui-Gon's restraining arm. He stumbled and almost fell, but he gathered the tattered remnants of his strength and fled, leaving Qui-Gon staring after him with an expression of shock twisted onto his face.
end chapter ten