So sorry about the delay … things have been hectic. Sunshine Blues is now up … mild Obi-torture, though. I don't understand it … even the stories that start out as humor end up kinda angsty. *g* My apologies to poor Obi. :-) Please let me know what you all think of it, if possible … it's my first stab at an unchaptered medium-length story, and a predecessor to trying to pen a very long Obi-epic (well, two of them, actually.)

Just Easier Than Dealing With the Pain

By: Syntyche

Chapter Thirteen

It was nearly five minutes before Qui-Gon found he could move again. He was utterly, absolutely stunned and shocked and terrified at what had nearly occurred. His Obi-Wan. Dead by his own hand. How could I have failed him so greatly? Am I so truly unworthy to be a Master? His own doubts were starting to creep in, and he pushed them away viciously.

The fresher door opened and Obi-Wan emerged slowly, clad in a clean under tunic and pants but lacking his belt and boots. Awkwardly, he lowered himself to sit a safe distance from his Master, facing Qui-Gon but just out of his reach. Qui-Gon swallowed his anger and remained where he was, and as his emotion threatened to overwhelm him he prayed for the right words, just this once for the right words to reach his apprentice.

"Obi-Wan, you know this is very serious," he began quietly. At Obi-Wan's terse nod, he continued. "Trying to kill yourself – " he ignored Obi-Wan's flinch; there was no nice way to say what he intended to say tonight " – is wrong, Padawan, very wrong. You've been taught that your entire life. I want you, Obi-Wan, to tell me why you chose the coward's way out instead of using not only the brains I know you have but the courage I've seen you display to fight those negative feelings. Why, Obi-Wan?"

Obi-Wan gazed at him dispassionately, tiredly, as he drew his knees to his chest, clasping his arms around them loosely and rocking back and forth gently. The silence that stretched between them grew to be very, very uncomfortable before Obi-Wan finally replied, his voice defeated and worn.

"I—I don't know, Master," he admitted painfully. "Fighting it … feels like something I should do, like something I need to do, but … " He swallowed. "I'm so tired, Master. Force, I'm so tired. I don't want to feel at all, Master. I just want it to stop."

Obi-Wan looked up hesitantly, obviously expecting a reprimand, but Qui-Gon was silent, his thoughts far away. Finally he shifted and stared at his apprentice. Obi-Wan wilted a little under the scrutiny, but kept his eyes locked onto his Master's.

"Obi-Wan … did you really want to die?" he asked his apprentice quietly, and watched the storm of confused emotion ride through the young Jedi's eyes.

"I thought I did. Yes, I did. I cut the skin because I wanted to die. There's no way out, Master. There's just no way out. So I cut my skin and I watched myself bleed and I started to grow more tired than before, but I didn't feel like I thought I would. I don't remember much … but I remember feeling … regretful. Disappointed in myself. And I realized that I hadn't solved anything at all. And I was disappointed that I had chosen the quickest way out instead of … taking up the … challenge … that deciding to live would offer..."

Obi-Wan wanted very much to drop his head and avoid the calm gaze of his Master, but he had promised he would behave as a Jedi and he intended to follow through. "Master?"

"Yes, Obi-Wan?" Qui-Gon murmured, his own voice rough with emotion he fought to conceal. It would do Obi-Wan no good if he broke down in the middle of his Padawan's narrative. Not when Obi-Wan needed him to be strong – but, Force! – how could I not see this was happening??

"I'm sorry," Obi-Wan said softly, devoid of hope as he continued to rock slowly. "I'm truly sorry."

Qui-Gon didn't reply to that. Instead he moved forward until he was seated beside Obi-Wan. Obi-Wan shifted uneasily but didn't pull back as Qui-Gon picked up his wrist and lightly touched the scar embedded in the soft skin. The Jedi Master had been so stunned to find both the bloody tunic and notice the marks on Obi-Wan's wrist he'd not even considered the time that would have been needed for the scar tissue to form. "What happened, Obi-Wan? How did you scar so quickly?"

"I'm not sure," Obi-Wan admitted, his brow furrowing in the way it always did when he was honestly confused. "There was – "

The door chime interrupted Obi-Wan, and Qui-Gon rose to retrieve the small meal the courier had brought. "Come here, Obi-Wan. Eat."

"I don't know, Master," Obi-Wan considered dubiously. "I'm not very hungry." A tiny hint of Obi-Wan's tongue poked out between his lips to show his distaste.

"It's only soup, Obi-Wan. It will ease your stomach. At least try to eat a little."

Sighing, Obi-Wan hesitantly made his way to the table and watched quietly as Qui-Gon opened containers and set a light meal of soup and bread before him. The Padawan had to admit that it smelled rather good, and even his queasy stomach didn't rebel when he tried a few spoonfuls of broth.

He'd not eaten regularly in some time, and a small amount of the soup was sufficient before he couldn't eat anymore. So to distract his Master from the still mostly-filled bowl, and because he didn't want Qui-Gon to have to prompt him again, Obi-Wan picked up where he'd left off. The soup had achieved its purpose in soothing his rough throat, and Obi-Wan was somewhat relieved that although his voice lacked its usual strength, it was again usable. He was still a little wary of using his bond with Qui-Gon, and having his Master in his head now made him nervous.

"There was a storm," he began again, trying not to look away when Qui-Gon's eyes lifted from his meal to focus on him, "I—I am not sure what happened. I created it … I think … at least, I could stop it. I didn't mean to do anything … it happened after I … passed out. A woman found me – a Drymarian woman – and she made me make it stop, Master, and then I noticed the scarring." Obi-Wan plowed to a halt, confused and frightened by the look in his Master's eyes. Anger, certainly, and deserved anger at that, frustration … but sadness outshone them all.

Obi-Wan's stomach twisted in a knot. He had made Qui-Gon angry before, and frustrated, most certainly … but never, never, never had he seen his Master, the strong, confident, Qui-Gon Jinn, look so heartbreakingly, vulnerably sad as he did now while he regarded his apprentice. Obi-Wan's heart dropped to join his stomach as he suddenly realized that Qui-Gon, his Master, had lost faith in him, and maybe in himself. Qui-Gon needed … reassurance.

The effect of Obi-Wan's insight was instantaneous. The young Jedi shot from his chair, distancing himself from the shaking in his body as he struggled to Qui-Gon's chair and dropped to his knees beside his Master. His eyes were filling with salty water but he ignored it, craning his face upward as he clutched the bottom of Qui-Gon's tunic.

"Master, I am so sorry. Please forgive me! I know that it was wrong and I've been behaving badly of late, Master, and I am sorry. It's nothing to do with you, please believe me. It's all me. I've tried to fight it but I'm so tired … I can't do it alone, Qui-Gon, I've tried and keep failing. I couldn't fight anymore … I thought it was for the best, I truly did. It wasn't any omission of yours. I was wrong, I know I was wrong … I'm sorry." Before he could repeat himself any more, Obi-Wan let his head drop onto his Master's thigh and clenched his eyes shut tightly, forcing the wall of tears away and trying to calm the shuddering of his body. After a moment, he felt his Master's hand combing through the short hair at the back of his head.

When his Master finally spoke, Obi-Wan was startled at the words. "Obi-Wan … do you think I want you to be perfect? The perfect apprentice?"

Obi-Wan froze. Had Qui-Gon lied to him about what he'd seen inside Obi-Wan's mind? Did he know that Obi-Wan feared discrediting his Master's training and earning his disapproval if he was less than perfect?

"M-Master," he said hesitantly, cursing his panicked stutter. He didn't lift his head from Qui-Gon's thigh. Go, Obi-Wan, you can do this. The voice immediately rose up in protest, but Obi-Wan gathered his courage and squelched it. Go. "I want you to be proud."

Qui-Gon considered this answer. "Obi-Wan, perhaps I've overestimated you," he finally began, and the look of sheer horror on Obi-Wan's face as it shot up to stare at him and just as quickly drop as the young man hung his head prompted him to squeeze the narrow shoulders tightly and add quickly, "I've overestimated you, Obi-Wan, in assuming that you know how much I love and care for you, young one." Qui-Gon was relieved when the tremors under his fingers eased slightly with this reassurance.

Gentle fingers guided his face upward and caught his chin when he would have looked away from his Master's penetrating gaze. "Obi-Wan, I am ever proud of you. I am proud of your achievements and your failures, Padawan." The words where simple, but spoke volumes to Obi-Wan's wounded soul when he heard the truth in his Master's voice.

"Master?"

"You have always learned from your failures, Padawan. Obi-Wan … " Qui-Gon shifted slightly to better face his apprentice. "You will fail. Failure is inevitable; you cannot live a perfect life any more than I can. You will fail," he repeated. "It's what you do with the knowledge you've gained from your failure that determines whether you are strong or weak. You have always chosen to be strong, Obi-Wan. I am very proud of you."

Until now, Obi-Wan thought miserably. "Master … I-I chose to be weak. Are you still proud of me?" He didn't mean to sound like a child, nor did he mean to sound so hopeful awaiting Qui-Gon's answer.

"Yes, Obi-Wan," Qui-Gon said quietly. "I am not proud of what you did – I will never be proud of the fact that you tried to take your own life; but the fact remains that I am proud of you, that I love you, and there is little you can do to change that. Despite the fact that you've come close a few times," he added teasingly, and Obi-Wan responded with a tiny grin.

"I don't doubt that," he said honestly, and Qui-Gon gave him a hard stare.

"You should," he said pointedly. "Come on, Obi-Wan. Up. You're making my neck stiff looking down at you."

end chapter thirteen