familyties12

The day after Angel's eventful visit, Giles, Spike and the Scoobies continued to research, although they were quickly becoming convinced that there simply were no references to Buffy's condition or anything like it. That night, Giles and Spike took Buffy out on patrol to see if she could still fight, in the event that they could not restore her.

At first, Buffy didn't move when three vampires approached them. When Giles told her to kill them, though, she shot forward without hesitation, Spike's duster billowing out behind her. The vampires crouched at the defensive but held their ground, alert to Spike's presence but not realizing Buffy was the Slayer. The first died instantly as she reached out and twisted his head off. Before the dust settled she plunged her fist into the second vampire's chest and pulled out his heart, which also resulted in the vampire's painful demise. The third vampire wisely ran off, and Buffy turned to Giles with a questioning glance, silently asking if she should pursue it.

Giles swallowed and shook his head, then glanced at Spike, who appeared even paler than usual.

Bloody hell, the blonde vampire breathed in awe, unable to take his eyes off the petite Slayer who wiped the gore off her hand onto the grass, then began straightening his duster as if she hadn't just violently killed two of his kind.

Buffy, unaffected by her brutally efficient tactics, came back over to Spike and pulled his arm around her, snuggling into the hollow of his shoulder. He tightened his embrace and looked over at the Watcher with a tense smile.

I guess that answers the question of whether she's still the Slayer.

* * * * * * * * *

The next day, as Willow sat in front of the umpteenth book she'd flipped through, having already exhausted Internet and database resources, she finally gave up the notion of finding answers the old-fashioned way.

She slammed the book shut and stood up, drawing the attention of those in the shop. Tara looked up from the volume in front of her and searched her lover's face with a questioning smile. Xander enthusiastically closed his own book in a show of solidarity. Spike looked over from his perch on the stairs to the loft, where he was idly flipping through the journal Giles had suggested he look through a third time. The blonde vampire cocked his head at her in curiosity, while Dawn glanced over from where she was trying to teach Buffy the intricate patterns of cat's cradle' with the Chinese jumprope that wound their hands together. Buffy remained focused on the cloth-covered elastic looping around her fingers.

Giles excused himself from the customer who was asking about the concentrating properties of variously sized crystals, gesturing for Anya to explain to the gentleman why a smaller, more potent piece of quartz was just as good as a larger, less-faceted piece, and easier to carry.

Willow? Is there a problem?

Willow sighed. If the problem is that we're not actually solving our problem, then yeah...I think we have a problem.

He waited patiently for a more detailed explanation.

Giles, this is just silly. We've gone through every book you have at least twice, no mean feat by anyone's standards. I'm gonna go in again.

Everyone knew that by go in again' Willow meant go into Buffy's mind. She bit her lip, waiting for an argument, but none came. In fact, the Watcher looked decidedly relieved. Never had his books failed him so thoroughly.

Spike stood up and went over to where Buffy and Dawn were still playing their game.

You mean like last time, Will? It's safe, right?

Willow shrugged. As safe as anything can be, I guess was her cryptic answer. Tara came over and slipped her hand into Willows, squeezing it .

Be careful, honey.

I will. I'm gonna take her into the training room so I can concentrate. I'll let you know when I'm done.

Spike pulled Buffy in for a tight embrace, whispering I love you, Buffy into her hair. If Willow actually managed to pull the Slayer back again from wherever she'd retreated, she might not allow him anywhere near her, nevermind consider him her mate.

As painful as that thought was, he pulled away and smiled at her. Go with Willow, luv. She wants to poke about in your head. Don't worry, it doesn't hurt.

Buffy gave him a confused look but followed Willow into the training room without hesitation.

Willow shut the door behind them and sat down on the floor Indian-style. She gestured for Buffy to do the same, and when the Slayer was seated in front of her, she told Buffy to close her eyes. She did, and Willow took a deep breath. Leaning over and embracing her friend, she uttered somnus' as she pulled away. Buffy immediately stilled, and her eyelids drooped shut as her breathing evened out and became deeper. She remained upright, but was definitely asleep.

Willow sat a few feet away from her, mentally preparing herself to enter Buffy's subconscious. With Spike, it was easy to touch his mind, because even asleep the vampire's hyper mind seemed to be constantly active and easily found. Spike had even managed to use the link between them to call to her after he'd found Buffy, so Willow assumed that once a link was initially formed and remained unbroken, it could be used anytime by either person. Hmmm, she thought distractedly, she'd have to look into that.

Snapping her attention back to the task at hand, she straightened her spine and took a deep breath. She stretched forth her consciousness, searching for the first link that had been formed after Dawn's capture, that thin tendril...there. She felt it and latched on, let it pull her into Buffy's subconscious until she slammed up against a wall.

Allowing herself to become immersed, Willow found herself standing in a room with three regular walls and a fourth heavy, iron-like wall. She tapped the wall lightly first, then pounded on it until it rang like a church bell. Whatever she needed to see, or to reach, was on the other side of this wall that had been erected in Buffy's subconscious. Willow's intuition told her that in order to bring Buffy back, she had to get past this barrier.

As she listened to the metallic echoes of her futile blows, she heard the faintest whisper of a voice calling out to her...

Willow leaned up against the wall, for all the good it would do. Buffy? Where are you? It's not like last time! I can't see you!

The voice whispered, carried to her ears as if on wind, although there was no disturbance in the air around her. Willow, I can't. It was my choice.

Buffy, what do you mean? I want to help you! Where are you?

Willow gasped in frustration. After a few moments of silence, a thought struck her. Maybe she couldn't access Buffy's current state of consciousness, but perhaps she could access her memories, as she had with Spike, and find out what had happened after Buffy had died.

She sat on the floor and closed her eyes, more for her own concentration than any real necessity. She allowed her corporeal being to dissipate, and began searching for memories. Finally she began seeing flashes of Buffy's life; Buffy as a baby, a toddler, a young girl. Eventually, Willow began to see memories she recognized, and when she saw Buffy speaking to Dawn, then turn and leap into the vortex swirling below her, the determined witch latched onto the memory with all her being and followed Buffy into the void.


Buffy was conscious, but couldn't see anything. She felt like she was suspended in time and space, but could also still feel her body.

Voices hummed in the air around her, speaking in some unrecognizable tongue, and Buffy wondered if she was supposed to understand them.

Where am I? She managed hoarsely, as if her voice had gone long unused.

The humming became louder, causing the air to vibrate, and then suddenly recognizable words came.

You are dead.

Buffy sighed. She'd figured as much. Well, that tells me what I am, not where I am.

The vibrating stopped, as if whoever was speaking was considering her statement.

You are where the energy that creates and maintains life originates and is reformed.

Buffy was non-plussed for a moment, until a thought struck her. You mean, this is Heaven?

After a moment, the voice allowed you could consider it Heaven. Humans have many ideas of an afterlife.

This statement did not really give her any answers and she was getting sick of talking to a disembodied voice.

Listen, I want to talk to somebody I can see. I don't care who, I just want some answers.

Someone must have considered her request a fair one, because she was suddenly standing in her kitchen, facing a familiar figure. A familiar, badly-dressed figure.

Whistler.

Buffy spoke to the ceiling. I changed my mind. I do care who I talk to. Can't I have Brad Pitt?

Whistler shook his head. This is not truly Whistler, who is the earthly form who relays the wishes of the Powers That Be. We are merely utilizing a memory of the last time you saw our messenger so that you may speak to us more comfortably.

Buffy examined the form with disdain. You couldn't have utilized him with a decent wardrobe?

The figure stared at her and she sensed that he--they, whoever--was becoming impatient with her.

Okay, so I'm dead. Why all the drama? Why am I conscious? What's going on?

Whistler moved to stand directly in front of her. You went before your time. It was not your death that was preordained, but the death of your sister--the human form created with your essence to contain the Key. Dawn's death would have served the greater good, and you interfered by offering yourself. Dawn was not meant to contain the key permanently.

Buffy shook her head in disbelief and fury. Then you did a pretty stupid thing by making her my family, making me love her! Did you really think I would let her die?

Whistler shrugged.

You have greatly upset the balance between light and dark, and have left your purpose in life unfulfilled.

Buffy crossed her arms and replied angrily, What, saving the world however many times doesn't count as fulfilling my purpose? How about all the innocent people I've saved, people who have never bothered to thank me, by the way. You know, now that I think about it, being a Slayer is a pretty thankless job! You know, I had to kill the only man I ever loved completely, kill him and send him to Hell! How's that for thankless? And now, you're saying...what? That I'm not done?

She finished her tirade and slumped back against the counter.

Whistler's expression did not change. Correct. You chose death--however honorably--but death did not choose you.

She stared at him, stoney-faced. Are you telling me I have to go back?

Whistler's head nodded almost imperceptibly. You must go back. You will be given a new body, because you have been dead for several months on the mortal coil.

Buffy grimaced. Well, thanks for that. I'd hate to wake up not so newly dead and buried. Will I look the same?

The same as before you died.

Suddenly, Buffy became angry again. What if I refuse? I don't want to go back to that life! I am sick of being unable to love, to access my true feelings because of what's expected' of me. Do you have any idea what that's like?

Whistler remained silent.

I mean, my guide said I was full of love'. But that love had to be locked away, so that I could be an efficient killer! I'm sick of having to think about how much I can reveal, how much I can care about somebody!

An image of Spike flashed in her mind, which she quickly pushed aside. She would deal with those implications later.

We cannot alter your entire state of consciousness or it would diminish your success as a Slayer. You are the most effective Slayer in history because of the experiences and relationships that have helped to create who you are.

Whistler regarded her seriously, then nodded, as if coming to a decision.

Is it your wish to be returned as yourself, but also as a Slayer who is able to love with the fierceness of her warrior's soul?

Buffy considered that question only briefly.

Whistler waved his hand, and the room fell away, leaving only a swirling vortex of energy before her. As she felt it's inextricable pull, she heard Whistler's voice one last time.




Willow pulled away from the memory and, after a few seconds of consideration, out of Buffy's mind completely.

She came back to her body and opened her eyes to examine the woman sitting before her, still asleep. Buffy had been forced to return, but had been offered the chance to love without thought to repercussion. Willow had a feeling that the Powers That Be had taken Buffy's request a little too literally. Even in her current state, Buffy could still be an effective Slayer, under Giles' training and watchful supervision. She also could love Spike and Dawn as much as she wanted to, as her mate and daughter, something she might never have been able to do before. But she still wasn't entirely Buffy.

Willow wracked her brain for an answer, a way to help Buffy break down the wall that was up between her primal Slayer self and the rest of her consciousness. Regardless of what the Powers That Be thought was an acceptable arrangement, Willow couldn't imagine what it would be like if Buffy were to remain in her current state.

Suddenly a thought struck her and, leaving Buffy asleep for the moment, she went in search of the one who could help, the person whose image had flashed in Buffy's mind as the Slayer had lamented her inability to love.