Chapter 14: The Realization
Angel spent the next few weeks in his own personal hell. Images of Buffy accusing him haunted him day and night and the disgusted look in her eyes wouldn't let go. He kept away from Willow's house, didn't contact any of their group. He'd found an empty crypt, avoiding the mansion because he knew he wouldn't be able to face the memories there. He'd barely survived the memorial service and in the mental state he was now he might crack. Plus he knew that they would search for him there first.
He became careless with feeding, left the crypt only from time to time. His
appearance changed, his face was gray and haunted and people - if he saw any -
turned away from him. With his history he'd always been an easy target to burden
with all the blame. He knew that he was unconsciously looking for punishment, for pain, for all the deeds of his demon. The fact that Buffy had always seen more in him had made all the difference. He had been able to believe in himself, believe that he was more than a murderous monster, more than blood, death and torture. That he could do real good, make amends. But now even the only person important to him saw nothing more in him than a miserable existence.
Angel wasn't a weak person, but he couldn't cope anymore. It was a fact that he
didn't save Anne's life. That he couldn't have done anything to prevent it didn't matter anymore in his present state of mind. Buffy's words had cut too deep and the wound was bleeding constantly.
So he wasn't really living and barely existing either. But he couldn't kill
himself, to end it. The thought that he was meant to fight at Buffy's side was
the only thing that kept him alive. It didn't once cross his mind that he
wouldn't be of any help if he didn't keep his body in shape, but all rational
thinking was long gone.
*****
For Buffy the weeks weren't easy too. As soon as she fully realised what her
words might have done to Angel she began searching for him. Whistler had assured
her that he wouldn't kill himself, that he was still near by just in case, but
she couldn't find him. It was as if he'd vanished into thin air.
She could only begin to imagine how he would feel now. She wanted to talk to him
and tell him she hadn't meant what she'd said to him. But he kept hidden.
In her daily life Anne transformed more and more into Buffy. Willow noticed it in the way her friend was acting, the way she would toss her hair, the way she would pout or laugh. The slayer had Buffy's full memories back and Anne's faded bit by bit although Buffy desperately tried to hold onto it. Willow found her more than once crying in a chair or in her bed. Blaming fate for what it had thrown upon her. And she mourned her daughter and grand-daughter, but she had accepted that there was nothing she could do about it, as much as she hated the fact.
The fact that troubled her most was that her soul was in Anne's body now. Willow
had the impression she would've felt better if it had been the body of
someone who'd died anyhow. Buffy kept telling herself that Anne had only been
made so that her body could serve her grand-mother later, although that wasn't
true either.
Willow and Tara, who became a constant visitor, tried to explain, that Anne's
fate allowed her only 18 years and that other people had to die when they were
much younger, but to no avail.
*
Eight weeks after Angel had disappeared Willow finally had enough. The day had
started as usual, they had had breakfast together and then Buffy would sit down
and read. She'd dropped out of school, not really seeing any sense in making her
high school diploma twice and generally not caring at all what would happen to
her.
They'd been talking about life and old age, because Tara, who'd been coming
later, was complaining about her aching hip. "I barely slept tonight," she sighed and rubbed the skin over her right hip-bone. "The doctor says I need an
artificial joint, but I hate hospitals," she smiled at Willow who nodded
understandingly.
"God, your problems," Buffy rolled her eyes while she wasn't even looking up from her book.
Something inside Willow snapped at that moment and she shouted, "I've had just
about enough of your attitude. Buffy, look at me! Do you even realise what a gift has been given to you? You got the present of Anne's body and look what you're doing with it. You're pitiful."
"A great present," Buffy jumped up and glared at the witch. "Tell me, how would
you feel about the fact that you would inhabit your own grand-child's body. Hmm?
Pray, tell me!," she demanded.
Willow sighed loudly, "Honestly I don't know. But that isn't the point. I can
imagine it must be hard, but you can't change it, so you should try to make the
best of it, but instead you're running around like a shadow of yourself, drowning in self-pity."
"Thanks," Buffy hissed. "I really need that."
"Oh stop it! You aren't the only one who's suffering. I can only guess what
Angel's going through at the moment."
At the mention of the vampire's name the slayer's eyes instantly filled with
tears, "I already said I'm sorry," she replied hoarsely.
"Yeah," Willow wasn't about to let it go this time. "But that doesn't change what you did. I know you tried to find him, but you didn't and that should tell you how much he's hurting right now. He's hiding. And he's hiding from you. Angel never hid from you. Even when none of us would know where he was, you always did. But not this time." She paused and studied Buffy's face for a moment, the tears were now running freely but Willow didn't feel pity, not anymore. "What on earth is the matter with you?"
"I can't forgive myself for this," the slayer shouted pointing at her own body.
"If it weren't for me Anne would be alive. It's her body and her life I'm
living."
"No."
Slayer and witch both turned around at the sharp reply coming from Tara. Her
voice was softer when she continued, "That is not true, Buffy. I tried to explain this to you but you wouldn't listen. Each human being, each soul has a certain time on this planet. Some have 80 years, other 60 and some only 18. And there are some who are only allowed to live for some hours. Don't ask me why it is this way, it's much too complicated to explain, but has a lot to do with balance." She gave the slayer a slight smile and went on, "From the moment of her birth Anne's life was meant to last 18 years. Under different circumstances her body would've been reduced into dust by now. But because you were too important to let you go, they used her body to bring your soul, your spirit, back."
Tara looked thoughtful for a moment and then tilted her head, "Would it help you
to know that she doesn't resent you for this?"
"I ... I don't know. How could I know?"
For the first time Willow's face was lit by a smile. "That's easy. We summon her
spirit. We will do a séance."
*
They set the séance-circle the same night. As they needed a fourth female to
summon a female spirit for a conversation Ellen volunteered for the job. Critical at first she had now fully realised that the girl wasn't the same she had been before. Now she was talking to Buffy, while the girl she had come to know had been Anne. It was confusing and also a bit scary, but you couldn't turn away from facts and as a watcher in training Ellen had learned to believe the strangest things.
"Powers of the Universe I summon the spirit of Anne, former slayer in Sunnydale.
Come to us," Tara said in a low voice while she lit candles in a certain order.
She looked at Buffy, "As soon as I make contact I have to transfer her spirit to
you so that you can communicate. The communication will be silent," she
explained, "as if you were doing telepathy. You understand?"
The slayer nodded and concentrated on Tara's eyes the way the Wicca had explained to her earlier.
As soon as the first candle extinguished the four women in the room could feel a
cold breeze in the air and Tara's eyes went wide and unfocussed. After some
seconds she gained control again and now Buffy's face wore an expression as if in a trance. Her eyes closed and she began to slightly rock back and forth, her lips twitching from time to time, the restless movements of her eyeballs visible
behind her lids. Ellen watched everything with an expression of awe and wonder.
One by one the candles burnt out and when the last began to flicker Buffy's eyes
shot open and she drew a deep breath. She slightly shook her head and a frown
appeared on her face. Only seconds later her eyes filled with tears, but at the
same time she smiled. "Thank you," she whispered and looked at Willow and Tara.
"So it worked?," Ellen wanted to know.
The slayer nodded, "Yeah. She said that she's happy where she is now. That she
hated slaying and that she is glad to be with her parents again. She wants me to
live my life to the full." A little bit embarrassed she wiped her tears away,
"I'm sorry."
"Oh Buffy, you don't need to apologize, we all understand," Willow said softly
taking her friend's hand and squeezing it. "But we aren't the ones you should
talk to," she added after a moment.
"I know," the slayer bit her lower lip. "I need to find him. As soon as possible. He has to know and maybe he'll somehow find a way to forgive me then," she jumped up, grabbed two stakes and her jacket and was almost out of the door, when she heard Willow ask.
"What? He has to know what?"
"How much I love him, Will, how much I love him."
End Chapter 14.
Angel spent the next few weeks in his own personal hell. Images of Buffy accusing him haunted him day and night and the disgusted look in her eyes wouldn't let go. He kept away from Willow's house, didn't contact any of their group. He'd found an empty crypt, avoiding the mansion because he knew he wouldn't be able to face the memories there. He'd barely survived the memorial service and in the mental state he was now he might crack. Plus he knew that they would search for him there first.
He became careless with feeding, left the crypt only from time to time. His
appearance changed, his face was gray and haunted and people - if he saw any -
turned away from him. With his history he'd always been an easy target to burden
with all the blame. He knew that he was unconsciously looking for punishment, for pain, for all the deeds of his demon. The fact that Buffy had always seen more in him had made all the difference. He had been able to believe in himself, believe that he was more than a murderous monster, more than blood, death and torture. That he could do real good, make amends. But now even the only person important to him saw nothing more in him than a miserable existence.
Angel wasn't a weak person, but he couldn't cope anymore. It was a fact that he
didn't save Anne's life. That he couldn't have done anything to prevent it didn't matter anymore in his present state of mind. Buffy's words had cut too deep and the wound was bleeding constantly.
So he wasn't really living and barely existing either. But he couldn't kill
himself, to end it. The thought that he was meant to fight at Buffy's side was
the only thing that kept him alive. It didn't once cross his mind that he
wouldn't be of any help if he didn't keep his body in shape, but all rational
thinking was long gone.
*****
For Buffy the weeks weren't easy too. As soon as she fully realised what her
words might have done to Angel she began searching for him. Whistler had assured
her that he wouldn't kill himself, that he was still near by just in case, but
she couldn't find him. It was as if he'd vanished into thin air.
She could only begin to imagine how he would feel now. She wanted to talk to him
and tell him she hadn't meant what she'd said to him. But he kept hidden.
In her daily life Anne transformed more and more into Buffy. Willow noticed it in the way her friend was acting, the way she would toss her hair, the way she would pout or laugh. The slayer had Buffy's full memories back and Anne's faded bit by bit although Buffy desperately tried to hold onto it. Willow found her more than once crying in a chair or in her bed. Blaming fate for what it had thrown upon her. And she mourned her daughter and grand-daughter, but she had accepted that there was nothing she could do about it, as much as she hated the fact.
The fact that troubled her most was that her soul was in Anne's body now. Willow
had the impression she would've felt better if it had been the body of
someone who'd died anyhow. Buffy kept telling herself that Anne had only been
made so that her body could serve her grand-mother later, although that wasn't
true either.
Willow and Tara, who became a constant visitor, tried to explain, that Anne's
fate allowed her only 18 years and that other people had to die when they were
much younger, but to no avail.
*
Eight weeks after Angel had disappeared Willow finally had enough. The day had
started as usual, they had had breakfast together and then Buffy would sit down
and read. She'd dropped out of school, not really seeing any sense in making her
high school diploma twice and generally not caring at all what would happen to
her.
They'd been talking about life and old age, because Tara, who'd been coming
later, was complaining about her aching hip. "I barely slept tonight," she sighed and rubbed the skin over her right hip-bone. "The doctor says I need an
artificial joint, but I hate hospitals," she smiled at Willow who nodded
understandingly.
"God, your problems," Buffy rolled her eyes while she wasn't even looking up from her book.
Something inside Willow snapped at that moment and she shouted, "I've had just
about enough of your attitude. Buffy, look at me! Do you even realise what a gift has been given to you? You got the present of Anne's body and look what you're doing with it. You're pitiful."
"A great present," Buffy jumped up and glared at the witch. "Tell me, how would
you feel about the fact that you would inhabit your own grand-child's body. Hmm?
Pray, tell me!," she demanded.
Willow sighed loudly, "Honestly I don't know. But that isn't the point. I can
imagine it must be hard, but you can't change it, so you should try to make the
best of it, but instead you're running around like a shadow of yourself, drowning in self-pity."
"Thanks," Buffy hissed. "I really need that."
"Oh stop it! You aren't the only one who's suffering. I can only guess what
Angel's going through at the moment."
At the mention of the vampire's name the slayer's eyes instantly filled with
tears, "I already said I'm sorry," she replied hoarsely.
"Yeah," Willow wasn't about to let it go this time. "But that doesn't change what you did. I know you tried to find him, but you didn't and that should tell you how much he's hurting right now. He's hiding. And he's hiding from you. Angel never hid from you. Even when none of us would know where he was, you always did. But not this time." She paused and studied Buffy's face for a moment, the tears were now running freely but Willow didn't feel pity, not anymore. "What on earth is the matter with you?"
"I can't forgive myself for this," the slayer shouted pointing at her own body.
"If it weren't for me Anne would be alive. It's her body and her life I'm
living."
"No."
Slayer and witch both turned around at the sharp reply coming from Tara. Her
voice was softer when she continued, "That is not true, Buffy. I tried to explain this to you but you wouldn't listen. Each human being, each soul has a certain time on this planet. Some have 80 years, other 60 and some only 18. And there are some who are only allowed to live for some hours. Don't ask me why it is this way, it's much too complicated to explain, but has a lot to do with balance." She gave the slayer a slight smile and went on, "From the moment of her birth Anne's life was meant to last 18 years. Under different circumstances her body would've been reduced into dust by now. But because you were too important to let you go, they used her body to bring your soul, your spirit, back."
Tara looked thoughtful for a moment and then tilted her head, "Would it help you
to know that she doesn't resent you for this?"
"I ... I don't know. How could I know?"
For the first time Willow's face was lit by a smile. "That's easy. We summon her
spirit. We will do a séance."
*
They set the séance-circle the same night. As they needed a fourth female to
summon a female spirit for a conversation Ellen volunteered for the job. Critical at first she had now fully realised that the girl wasn't the same she had been before. Now she was talking to Buffy, while the girl she had come to know had been Anne. It was confusing and also a bit scary, but you couldn't turn away from facts and as a watcher in training Ellen had learned to believe the strangest things.
"Powers of the Universe I summon the spirit of Anne, former slayer in Sunnydale.
Come to us," Tara said in a low voice while she lit candles in a certain order.
She looked at Buffy, "As soon as I make contact I have to transfer her spirit to
you so that you can communicate. The communication will be silent," she
explained, "as if you were doing telepathy. You understand?"
The slayer nodded and concentrated on Tara's eyes the way the Wicca had explained to her earlier.
As soon as the first candle extinguished the four women in the room could feel a
cold breeze in the air and Tara's eyes went wide and unfocussed. After some
seconds she gained control again and now Buffy's face wore an expression as if in a trance. Her eyes closed and she began to slightly rock back and forth, her lips twitching from time to time, the restless movements of her eyeballs visible
behind her lids. Ellen watched everything with an expression of awe and wonder.
One by one the candles burnt out and when the last began to flicker Buffy's eyes
shot open and she drew a deep breath. She slightly shook her head and a frown
appeared on her face. Only seconds later her eyes filled with tears, but at the
same time she smiled. "Thank you," she whispered and looked at Willow and Tara.
"So it worked?," Ellen wanted to know.
The slayer nodded, "Yeah. She said that she's happy where she is now. That she
hated slaying and that she is glad to be with her parents again. She wants me to
live my life to the full." A little bit embarrassed she wiped her tears away,
"I'm sorry."
"Oh Buffy, you don't need to apologize, we all understand," Willow said softly
taking her friend's hand and squeezing it. "But we aren't the ones you should
talk to," she added after a moment.
"I know," the slayer bit her lower lip. "I need to find him. As soon as possible. He has to know and maybe he'll somehow find a way to forgive me then," she jumped up, grabbed two stakes and her jacket and was almost out of the door, when she heard Willow ask.
"What? He has to know what?"
"How much I love him, Will, how much I love him."
End Chapter 14.