AUTHOR'S NOTE: First of all, this probably deserves an R rating, but I think there are mature teens out there, so I give it a strong PG13. Secondly, it's verrry slashy. If you don't like this, I suggest you hit the back button. Third, keep in mind that any pairing is possible. Fourth, all disclaimers are at the end; don't sue me. Lastly, I know my brand of humor may differ from yours, but I hope you enjoy it all the same!
*This is the true story of seven students, picked to be in this story, and have their lives documented to find out what happens when people stop being polite, and start getting REAL. The Real World, Hogwarts!*
We join the cast about four months into this little experiment. Friendships have been forged, enemies have been made, enemies have become allies, and strange love triangles are popping up left and right. The easiest way for us to see examples of these situations would be to take a look at the Confessionals, so let's get to it.
Dean: Well, when we all first arrived at the House, I was overjoyed to see that Seamus would be one of the Roommates. I mean, he is my best friend and all, so I knew I'd always have someone to talk to. To tell you the truth, I haven't talked very much to any of the other Roommates. See, about a month into this thing…
Seamus: Dean and I just kinda clicked. I don't know how else to describe it. One night we were out in the hot tub and he kissed me. It was nice, so I kissed him back and ever since then…
Ginny: Dean and Seamus have been making out non-stop! They even moved into the same room together. I mean, if any of us sees them snogging on the pool table, it would do us no good to yell "Get a room!" because then we have to actually hear them having some sort of hot monkey jungle love! Eeeew! I mean, I've got my own set of problems to deal with, for example how to finally land Harry, or even *pause with a devious grin, how to get Hermione away from my brother for good…
Ron: Hell yeah, Hermione's a babe! She's all I've been able to think of ever since we got together that time in seventh year. And now that she's here in the House… Unfortunately, she chose to room with Ginny…it's the strangest thing too, sometimes I hear these odd sounds coming from their bedroom late at night. Someone keeps shouting something about a baby and doing it again. I think one of them is having a nightmare about taking a pregnancy test or something. All I know is that I've been flirting so much with Hermione lately that I haven't had much time to talk badly about Malfoy behind his back. Well, hey, I guess now's the time for that. The very first day we all met at the House and found out who our Roommates were gonna be, everyone knew Malfoy was gonna be the gay one. My god, he had enough hair and skin care products to sustain Belgium for a year. Pretty Boy Malfoy has been more annoying that usual lately too. He keeps whining something about…
Draco: I have no idea how in the hell to get into Harry Potter's pants! Let's face it, the boy is hot. The age of nineteen has been very good to him. His hair, and his bright green eyes, and his body, oh lord, don't get me started on his body! I wish he'd just come out of the closet already, it'd make it so much easier for me come on to him. I mean, the minute I saw him, in that blue silk shirt and tight leather pants I just wanted to scream "Poof in denial!". Those are the type of clothes I wear! But for now I guess I just gotta be content to talk about Quidditch with him and keep that redheaded weasel from influencing him too much. Just the other day, I heard him tell Harry to…
Harry: Stay away from that blond bimbo. Those were Ron's exact words. I think "bimbo" is a little strong though. To tell you the truth, I think he ought to be more concerned with me trying to get with his sister. Ginny's really cute this year. Well, as long as I'm on this honesty kick, and since I'm in the Confessional anyway I'll admit it: I think Malfoy is kind of hot too. There, I said it. I can't ever tell Ron though, he'll think I've gone nutters. However, Ron's so obsessed with Hermione as of late that he's been more oblivious that usual. Hermione knows too. You can't hide strong feelings from a smart girl like that. I mean, this morning she was telling me…
Hermione: I know Ron likes me, and I still have feelings for him too. I have ever since we got together that time in seventh year. And I'll admit that I think he's adorable…all the Weasleys are adorable. All of them. But anyway, onto a different subject…the Roommates are beginning to get restless, so I think we're gonna try and find entertainment tonight. Since we're so close to Hogsmeade, I suggested that we go to the Three Broomsticks. They have this Muggle novelty called Karaeoke on Friday nights and I think it ought to be fun. Now that we're all of age, they can serve us liquor too…*a wide grin spreads across her face*… That may very well bring some of the drama that's in the House to the surface.
The night found most of our cast lounging around the living room, waiting for Draco to finish fixing his hair. Dean and Seamus were both wearing jeans and tee shirts. Ginny, seated to the right of them, decided to wear her shortest black miniskirt and a purple crop top, complete with strappy black heels. She was hoping she'd get a good reaction from either Harry or Hermione. Ron had almost started yelling at Ginny for dressing like a tart when he was distracted by Hermione. She, too, had opted for a short skirt (though not as short as Ginny's) that was blood red, a black button-up top and platform sandals. Harry had picked out Ron's clothes for him (khaki pants and a dark green dress shirt) as Ron was really no good at dressing himself. Harry chose to wear black trousers and a tight grey tee shirt. As they waited (Hermione next to Ginny, Ron next to Hermione, Harry next to Ron), Hermione was telling them all about a time in sixth year when Lavender Brown had come to her with a problem.
"She was freaking out about something so I told her to calm down. Then she started sobbing uncontrollably. Turns out, she had met up with some Ravenclaw guy after the Halloween feast. They started kissing, one thing led to another, and she ended up pregnant."
"Oh my god!" Ginny squealed. "She never had that baby either! She must've had an abolition!"
"Um, abortion," Hermione corrected. "And no, she didn't. She just thought she was pregnant. She went up to Madam Pomfrey and she was actually just fine. It scared the living hell out of her though."
Hermione's sentence was interrupted by another squeal from Ginny, but this time she was looking over at Dean and Seamus.
"Hey, hey, hey! None of that in the living room! No pawing at each other!!!" Dean looked incredibly guilty, but Seamus just looked amused.
Finally, ten minutes later, Draco emerged from the bathroom, ready to go. He was wearing his own pair of amazingly form-fitting black dragonhide pants and an impossibly tight white tee shirt.
"Well, it's about bloody time," Ron huffed as he got up. Draco shot him the finger when he wasn't looking. With that, the seven of them Disapparated to the main street of Hogsmeade. Once everyone had arrived, they trooped down to the Three Broomsticks. Ron, the first to reach the door, hauled it open. His face slowly turned a nasty shade of green and he seemed unable to move. The others, not knowing what he had seen, shoved him through the door into the bar. All too soon, though, they understood.
A very familiar greasy-haired, hook-nosed professor was on stage doing his rendition of a song entitled "I'm Too Sexy". The group could merely stare at him as they found a large table towards the front and seated themselves. Professor Snape, meanwhile, pranced around the stage, blissfully unaware of his former students.
"I'm a model," he crooned, "Y'know what I mean, when I do my little turn on the catwalk. On the catwalk, on the catwalk, yeah, I shake my little tush on the catwalk." Unfortunately for the Roommates, he really did shake "his little tush". Some looked sick, others giggled. Just when they thought it couldn't get any worse, another very familiar professor in a red tartan getup stood near the stage and cried "Oh, Sevvy!", waving a Galleon over her head.
"McGonagall's in on this too??" Harry groaned. Snape continued singing as McGonagall shoved the Galleon deep into his hip pocket.
"I'm too sexy for my cat, too sexy for my cat…"
Ginny looked horrified. "Please tell me he isn't about to say what I think he is," she begged.
"Poor pussy, poor pussycat,"
"Ah, jeeze, he did!" Hermione wailed.
"And I'm too sexy for my love…"
"Damn right!" McGonagall yelled out.
"Too sexy for my love, love's going to leave me. And I'm too sexy for this song!" Finally, it was over. The Roommates all looked up at the stage, waiting for Snape to realize they were there. After he blew a kiss to McGonagall ("Oh, gross!" Dean and Seamus said in unison), he seemed to catch them out of the corner of his eye. With a very audible "EEP!", he turned and bolted from the stage.
"Well, I think we all need a good drink after that," Ron announced. "This round's on me." Everyone cheered and Ron took their orders to Madam Rosemerta.