Author's note: Thanks to everyone who reviewed, it is truly appreciated. Now, on to more of The Real World!
A week later, around 5:30 in the morning, Ron was tossing and turning in his bed. He just couldn't sleep. He finally gave up his crusade for slumber with a huff and flopped himself into the window seat, accidentally waking Draco. Still groggy, the blond turned to where his roommate was.
"What the hell are you doing up at the crack of dawn's ass?" he mumbled.
"Couldn't sleep," Ron replied. Draco seemed to be satisfied with his answer and drifted back off to sleep. After two hours of peaceful quiet, Ron heard Ginny and Hermione stirring in the next room. They clamored downstairs, probably in search of coffee, and so Ron followed them down. On his way out of the room, he noticed his pin-up calendar: it was February 14th.
"Good morning everyone!" Ron said cheerily as he entered the kitchen. "Happy V.D.!"
"There is nothing happy about v.d.," Ginny snapped. Ron looked confused.
"I'm talking about Valentine's Day," Ron explained. "What're you on about?"
"I thought you meant…you know…v.d.!" Ginny said sheepishly.
"Who's got v.d.?" Harry asked as he walked into the kitchen.
"Not me!" Ginny exclaimed, a little too quickly. Harry looked at her oddly. From that moment on, he thought perhaps it was best to ignore Ginny's sexual advances.
"Right, well, anyway, we're supposed to be finding out about our jobs today," Harry said. "Someone will be sending us our instructions by owl post." Just then, a tiny ball of fluff tumbled through the open kitchen window and flew straight into Ron's forehead.
"Whoo!" it hooted gleefully.
"Pig?!" Ron cried. "Why'd they send you?" He untied the small scrolls of parchment and removed them from his pet owl. He opened the one entitled "Read me first."
"Dear Housemates,
In case you are wondering, we have sent your instructions with Pigwidgeon because we figured you'd need an owl in the house for later use. Anyway, the other scroll contains your job descriptions. Please read it only when everyone is present. Thank You,
The Producers"
"Oooh! I wonder what our jobs will be!" Hermione squealed. Right on cue, the rest of the roommates stumbled into the kitchen.
"Guess what? We've just gotten our job descriptions!" Ginny announced to them.
"No talk. Coffee first," Seamus grunted. And so they waited another hour until all seven people were fully awake. Harry unrolled the parchment and read it out to the others.
"H.U.R.L."
"Hurl??!" Ron said. "That's almost as bad as spew!"
"S. P. E. W.!!!" Hermione corrected. "How many times must I tell you?" But Ron wasn't listening.
"I wonder what it stands for?" Draco asked.
"Well, let me finish reading it," Harry said. And so he did.
"H.U.R.L. stands for Hedonists for the Use of Randy Lovers. Your job is to become an escort for any paying customer who visits our office. Please note that you will start on Friday night. Report to our main office no later than 4 p.m. Thank you, and good luck."
"An escort service!" Hermione yelled. "They want me to be a hedonist for the use of some randy lover??! I think not!"
"She works hard for the money…" Draco was singing in the background. Hermione turned on him.
"Quiet you!" she hissed.
"I hope they have us working with good-looking people," Seamus said. "With cute butts," he added with a giggle.
"I like cute butts and I cannot lie…" Dean suddenly burst out.
"Oh, look, it's Notorious F.A.G." Draco remarked. Dean paid him no attention.
"You other brothas can't deny, that when a man walks in with an itty bitty waist, with his tight ass in yo' face you get sprung!"
"Hell yeah!" Seamus and Draco yelled. Harry still wasn't sure how he felt about the whole gay thing, and Ron just looked out of place.
Later that week, the roommates were all gathered in the living room, talking about whatever popped up.
"Did you guys ever see that Muggle cartoon about a Canadian Mountie?" Dean asked.
"Cartoon?" Ron and Ginny questioned in unison.
"Dudley Do-Right? Yeah, I did," Harry said. "Are you kidding? My cousin thought it was spectacular that someone would name a cartoon after him."
"That's a boring name for a super hero," Draco scoffed. "They shoulda called him something like Studly Do-Me-Right…heh heh heh." Ron rolled his eyes. Harry went slightly pink.
"Then it wouldn't be very kid-friendly, now would it?" Hermione asked.
"There are 'kid's shows' out there that still aren't kid friendly! Haven't you ever seen Sesame Street?" Seamus inquired.
"Oh, yeah!" Dean said excitedly. "That show was creepy. Six foot pigeons walking around. And that crack-addict elephant looking thing. What was its name? Snuff-eluphogus? Right. And they had a pimp on the show too. Everyone called him The Count, but I know a pimp when I see one. His bitch was Maria the Street Whore. I can just see him now. 'Bitch, where is my money? You've been late three times already. Count them, one, two, three, ah ah ah ah. You deserve three smacks for that. Count with me…' That was not a kid-friendly show!"
"There's some wacky stuff in literature too," Ron said. "Did you guys ever read that story about the guy who killed his father and married his mother? Eeeew! I think his name was something like Eat-a-pus."
"You mean Oedipus? It's pronounced Ed-uh-pus," Hermione corrected. Ron pouted.
"I think I liked him better when he was Eat-a-pus." he sulked. Hermione rolled her eyes.
* * * * * * * *
Finally, it was Friday afternoon. The group Disapparated to the address given in the instructions, still a bit apprehensive about the jobs they were about to be given.
"Okay," their director began. "Keep in mind that you may be asked for, um, sexual favors. These customers are paying for you, and thus you are obligated to do their bidding."
"So, we're like sex slaves?" Seamus asked. The others snickered.
"Wanna be my sex slave?" Draco whispered to Harry.
"Later!" Harry whispered back. Draco accepted this, only because the last time he'd said "Later," Harry had shown him that he was a true hero.
"Anyway," the director said, clearing her throat and throwing a withering glance at Harry and Draco, "you shall receive your first clients this evening."
"Wait a sec," Hermione interjected. "I don't think Ginny should do this, she has v.d." The others snickered again.
"Hermione!" Ginny wailed, all but confirming the statement.
Dean gave her a disgusted look. "Euh, girl, you nasty!" he said. Ginny shot daggers at him with her eyes.
"Fine," the director sighed. "Ginny, you will be in charge of the reception desk. You will answer calls (yes, we do receive phone calls, as not all of our clients are magical), and give hand signals to the valets outside to tell them which car to give the escorts."
"Excuse me, but I believe I requested the hand job," Draco interrupted. The director was looking murderous. She stormed out of the room muttering something about kids these days. Ginny took her place behind the reception desk. One by one, she began dispatching her friends as they became first time escorts. Fairly soon after everyone else had gone, she received a call from a distraught sounding fellow.
"Hello? Yes, I, um, need an escort…and quickly," he demanded.
"I'm sorry, sir, but all our escorts are out right now. Would you mind answering a few questions so that I can pair you up with a suitable individual?" Ginny asked.
A pause. "Um, sure."
"Alright then, first of all, what is your name?"
"No one told me I'd have to give a name!" the man yelled.
"I'm sorry, but without a name, you cannot be paired up."
"Fine, fine" the man said impatiently. "My name is, uh, Mike Oxbig…yeah."
"Mike Oxbig?" Ginny echoed.
"Yes!" the man snapped.
"And why have you chosen our service?"
"Uh, I just broke up with my girlfriend and I'm feeling lonely."
"Well, don't worry sir, there are other seas in the fish," Ginny tried to comfort him with one of the few Muggle phrases she knew.
"Riiiiight," the man replied.
"Okay, um, do you have any special preferences?"
"Yes, I'd like a very attractive, submissive male with blond hair and grey eyes if it's possible."
"Hmmm, you'd do very well with Draco," Ginny replied, taking down the information.
"Excellent, I love Draco," the man said. Ginny was startled.
"Have you called us earlier this evening, sir?"
"Erm, no…I, uh, mean that I like the name Draco…yeah, that's it." The man was sounding very flustered. For some reason, Ginny couldn't shake the feeling that she'd heard this voice somewhere before.
"Do you, by any chance, enjoy wearing red leather catsuits?" she asked.
"Well sure, who doesn't?" Mike answered. Ginny snorted with laughter.
"Professor Snape??!"
The good professor let out a horrified yell. Ginny's only answer was a dial tone, indicating that a phone had been hastily hung up. Merely two minutes later, Draco strolled in looking very satisfied. Soon after, the others returned also.
"Hey Draco," Ginny called when she was sure she had everyone's attention. "Someone called and requested you."
"Oh yeah? Who?"
"Professor Snape," she said with as much casualty as she could muster. Everyone else was on the floor rolling with laughter by this time. Draco, however, did not look amused.
"He actually told you it was him?"
"Well, no," Ginny conceded. "He gave me a pseudonym. I think it was…yes, I have it written down. Mike Oxbig."
Draco rolled his eyes. "His cock's not that big," he replied. The proverbial record stopped and everyone was looking at him with the same odd expression.
"Well it's not!" Draco huffed.
* * * * * * * * * *
The next day, everyone was recovering from the previous night's rigors. They were all lounging around the living room. The boys looked incredibly bored, but the girls had their noses stuck in books. Ron heaved a very audible sigh. Hermione finally looked up from her book.
"Why don't you boys just go play Quidditch out back?" she suggested.
"Well, we would, but none of us has any balls," Ron said.
"You can say that again," Ginny mumbled.
"Oh, hah hah. It is to laugh. Do you see me? I am rolling on the floor." Ron replied. Dean suddenly leaned over and whispered something to Seamus, who giggled madly. They both tore out of the room and upstairs within a matter of seconds.
"It's a wonder that those two don't get tired of each other," Ginny said.
"Well, Seamus claims he's a sexaholic," Harry replied.
"Um, that's…interesting," Hermione said. "Here, why don't you two read this?" She tossed a book over at the boys and it landed between Draco and Harry. Harry picked it up.
"You're giving me a French book?" he asked incredulously. "I have enough trouble with English as it is."
"Hey, this could be fun," Draco said as he snatched the book out of Harry's hands. He began flipping through the pages.
"Ah, here we go. 'Phrases For Everyday'." He turned to Harry. "Tu est mon beau morceau du fromage."
"Don't you be cussing me out in no foreign language," Harry said. "What'd you just call me anyway?"
"You are my beautiful piece of cheese," Draco replied, batting his eyelashes at Harry.
"See there," Hermione stated proudly. "French can be fun!"
"Well, I only know one phrase," Harry said. "It was on some commercial a while back. Je suis la jeune fille, I think it was." Hermione and Draco both cracked up laughing. Harry looked at Ginny for an explanation, but she appeared as lost as he.
"You just said 'I am a young girl'!" Draco finally said between gasps for air. Harry just shrugged his shoulders.
"Oh well. Remind me never to repeat things that I don't know what they mean." he declared.
Very suddenly, loud voices drifted into the room from upstairs. Ron quieted the others, and they all strained to hear better. Out of nowhere, Dean's voice became very clear.
"Who is yo' daddy??!" they heard him yell.
"You are!!!" they heard Seamus shout. The five of them all went an interesting shade of green.
"Well, that ought to effectively end this episode," Hermione said. And so, it did.
Author's note: Well, dear readers, I hope you enjoyed this. As humor is very draining for a writer (well, it is for me anyway), there shall be no more episodes. Thank you for reviewing though, it really means a lot to me.
As for the disclaimers for this episode, here we go: Once again, J.K. Rowling, Sir Mix A Lot (in a way), Will & Grace, a wonderfully funny skit by Dave Chapelle, Wayne's World, and a very boring French class. Thanks again for reading!