Denise let herself angrily into the dorm and flipped on the overhead light. She flinched as an unbearable brightness filled the room, immediately turning the light back off to stop the pain. She groped through the darkness until she reached a small table lamp and turned that on instead. It cast a dim, tolerable glow about the room, bathing everything in a soft, orange light. Denise took a deep breath and then headed toward the bedroom area to change. She ripped her clothes off, replacing her sweater with an oversized NYU sweatshirt and her jeans with a pair of boxers. She pulled her hair out of her face and threw it up into a messy ponytail, then flopped heavily down onto her bed.
The buzz from the alcohol was gone. All that was left in its place was a dull headache that pounded mercilessly in her ears. That was so not beer, Denise thought. Two cups of plain beer wouldn't have fucked me up like that. She draped an arm over her eyes, trying to forget about what she'd just done. I just cheated on Kenny. On Kenny. What the hell is wrong with me? Regret welled up inside her, manifesting itself in the form of a single tear. I have to tell him, she decided. I won't be able to live with myself if I don't. She got up off her bed and retrieved the cordless phone from its cradle near the door. She held the phone idly for a moment, trying to get up the courage to dial Kenny's number. Finally she allowed her fingers to press the buttons and brought the receiver up to her ear, waiting in terror to hear the voice of the person she loved.
Ring. Ring. Ring.
How am I gonna do this?
Ring. Ring. Ring.
Please don't let him be home.
CLICK.
"Hey, this is Kenny. I'm not here, so leave me one after the beep."
Denise felt sick to her stomach as his answering machine let out a long tone. She took a deep breath, willing her voice to sound even, but the normalcy was strangled out of it by the guilt caked thickly in the back of her throat.
"Hey Kenny, it's just me," she said. "Um, I really need to talk to you about something, so call me as soon as you get this message. I don't care how late--"
CLICK.
Denise heard a yawn at the other end of the line. "Denny?"
Her heart began to race. "Kenny?"
"Hi hon," came the groggy affirmation.
"Did I wake you?"
"Yeah, but it's okay. I fell asleep doing homework. You know how that is."
Denise forced a laugh.
"So what's up?" Kenny asked. "Is everything all right? You sound stressed."
"I am," she told him.
"What's wrong? University life getting to ya?" He smiled audibly. Denise bit her lip, trying to keep her voice from wavering.
"Listen, Kenny, I did something really stupid tonight, something that I really, really wish had never happened."
In her mind's eye, she could see the grin sliding off his face.
"Okay, I take it this isn't a happy call. What did you do?"
"I... I, uh..."
"Go on, spit it out."
"I...I... God, this is so hard..."
"What?" he pressed. "You're starting to freak me out."
She squeezed her eyes shut and placed a hand on her forehead. "I...I... oh, God," she repeated. "I hooked up with another guy."
Denise did not breathe as she awaited Kenny's reaction.
"Hahaha," he said. "Seriously, what'd you do?"
"I'm not kidding, Kenny," she whispered. A stunned silence followed.
"You're...you're not?"
She shook her head, a useless gesture seeing as they were not face-to-face. "I am so sorry," she said.
More silence.
"Kenny?"
"Why?"
"I... I was drunk," she admitted abashedly.
"Drunk?" he repeated, shocked. "You were drinking? Why were you drinking?"
Denise swallowed hard. "I was at a... at a party. My roommate took me."
"How much did you drink?"
"Like... two cups."
"Two cups. You're trying to blame this on two cups of beer?"
"It wasn't beer!"
"Well, what was it then?"
Denise was scared by the calm in Kenny's voice. "I don't know," she told him. "I mean, it was beer, but I think there was something else mixed in with it. Like an upper or something."
"An upper? Like what?"
"I have no idea."
"So you don't know what you were drinking?"
"No."
Kenny contemplated this for a moment. "Denise, do you have any idea how dangerous that is?" he said. "Especially since you don't drink a lot anway! You have no tolerance for alcohol!"
"I know!"
"You could have gotten raped or something!"
"Kenny, I know!" Denise said, raising her voice. "You don't have to lecture me about this! I'm 18! God, give me some credit here!"
"Whoa, whoa, whoa!" Kenny exclaimed. "Don't go off on me about lecturing you when you just cheated on me!"
She flinched. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean for anything to happen, though! I was all messed up from the alcohol. And I hadn't seen him in so long, and then he gave me a drink and took me out on the back porch, and we were talking and remembering, and--"
"Wait," he said. "You hadn't seen him in so long? Who was it?"
Denise gave a silent sob."Josh... Josh Briggs."
"Josh Briggs," Kenny repeated slowly, not able to believe what he'd just heard. "As in the Josh Briggs who got me suspended in 11th grade for supposedly having pot in my locker?"
"Yeah," she whispered. "That one."
She heard Kenny breathing heavily on the other end of the line, trying to control his anger.
"Denise, do you understand how much this hurts me?" he asked her. "I mean, now instead of imagining you with some friggen NYU prep, all I can see is you with the kid who helped ruin my chances of getting into a good school."
"Please," she said softly. "I'm so sorry."
Kenny sighed. "Sorry doesn't fix things like this."
"I swear to God it won't happen again," she told him. "Don't you trust me?"
"I trusted you more than anyone else in the world, Denise," he said, choking with hurt. "I trusted that you wouldn't mess around on me in the first place, but you did. That's a hard thing to forgive."
"Please try," she said.
Kenny took a deep breath. "I don't know, Denise. I just don't know."
"Don't know what?" she asked, afraid of the reply.
Kenny gave a small gasp, as if he couldn't believe what he was about to say. "I don't know if this long-distance thing is going to work out."
The words hit Denise like a train.
"Wh-what do you mean?" she said, a note of panic shrilling her voice.
"I mean," Kenny started, "that when there's no trust, there's no relationship."
Her eyes went wide as the meaning of this statement sunk in, and tears clowly creeped into her throat. She swallowed them down, unwilling to stop fighting.
"But I trust you! A-and you said that you trust me more than anyone!"
"No," he told her, his voice saturated with sadness. "I said that I trusted you. And right now I'm not sure what I feel about you, except for incredibly hurt and angry."
Denise was burning up with shame. She was desperate for something to make everything all right again. "At least I called you to tell you about it, Kenny," she said. "I mean, I could have just kept it to myself and saved us all this trouble, but I thought you needed to know."
"Is that how you figure everything evens out?" he asked. "You hooked up with someone else, but since you're telling me about it then it's all okay?"
"No, but I thought maybe you'd appreciate the fact that I decided to confess."
"I do appreciate it. But it doesn't make things better."
Denise's heart sank. "So this is it then? Just like that... we're done?"
Kenny sniffed before he spoke again, and she realized that he was crying. "For a while," he said. "I just can't deal with this right now."
"Please think about it," Denise begged. "Do you know what it's doing to me knowing you're mad at me?"
"Do you know what it's doing to me knowing that you were unfaithful?"
She was crying openly now. "Please don't end this. I'm so so so so sorry!"
Kenny made a strangled noise in the back of his throat, the hybrid of a sob and a sigh. "Denise, don't make this harder for me than it already is," he said. "I have to go now."
"Don't, Kenny, please."
"Goodbye, Denise."
"Kenny! Wait--"
CLICK.
"I love you," Denise whispered to the dial tone. A wave of nausea swept over her as alcohol meshed with tumultuous emotions, and bile rose up in her throat. She dropped the phone and ran to the bathroom, making it there just in time. She sank to her knees in front of the toilet as the contents of her stomach spilled out.
Denise finished vomiting and climbed shakily to her feet. She made her way to the small, ceramic sink and turned on the faucet, cupping her hands beneath the flow of freezing water. She splashed a few shocking handfuls onto her face, then leaned against the basin, squinting painfully into the mirror. The person staring back at her was a wreck. Red hair clung to a clammy forehead, standing out against pale skin like fire against snow. The crimson swelling of tears and exhaustion clouded big, green eyes, creating an illusion of lifelessness. There was no trace of emotion left on the face she saw in the mirror, but she knew it was hurting.
Denise turned away from the sink and walked slowly to her bed, feeling hollow and drained. She laid down and curled up tightly into a ball, shutting her eyes against reality. This is not happening, she told herself. This can't be happening. Not to me and Kenny.
But she knew that it was happening. The one sturdy rope in her life was beginning to unravel, and it was all her fault. She wished so badly that she could go back in time and do the whole night over, right all the wrong decisions she'd made. She never would have gone out on the back porch alone with Josh. She never would have kept drinking after the suspicion arose that her beer was spiked. She never would have allowed Nessa to convince her to go to the party in the first place. She never would have...
"Denise?"
Her miserable thoughts were interrupted by a slightly slurred voice coming from the front of the dorm. It was Nessa.
"Are you here?"
Denise lifted her head from the soggy pillow and wiped her eyes. "I'm on my bed," she answered. Nessa ambled back to Denise, stumbling tipsily.
"Where did you go?" she asked, leaning over Denise's limp form. "Why did you leave without telling me?"
Denise sat up. "I needed to get out of there," she said quietly.
"Um, okay. But I thought you said you'd come get me if--" Nessa stopped short as she noticed Denise's tear-stained complexion. "Oh my God, what happened to you?"
Denise took a deep breath, forcing her emotions to stay inside. "I had a rough night," she said.
Nessa sat down next to her, peering concernedly at her face. "Obviously! What happened?"
She shook her head. "Lots of things."
"Like what?"
Denise shrugged. "Just... things."
"Denise, it takes a lot to get you shaken up like this. Tell me what happened." Nessa's tone turned from curious and concerned to firm and almost scared. Denise sighed.
"Well, first of all, my boyfriend just broke up with me."
Nessa's eyes went wide. "Why?!?"
Denise drew her knees up, resting her head on them. "I cheated on him," she said, voice dripping with guilt.
A look of shock made itself visible of Nessa's face. "How did he find out?"
Denise closed her eyes. "I called him and told him."
Nessa leaned back and shook her head. "Ooooooh," she said understandingly. "That was a brave thing to do. But it probably wasn't the best idea, hon."
She looked up. "I know. But I wouldn't have been able to live with myself if I hadn't told him. I mean, it would have hurt him so much more if he'd found out from someone else. It was bad enough coming from me."
Nessa nodded. "That's true. But I mean, who else would have told him?"
Denise swallowed. "The guy I cheated with. I-- I went to high school with him. He and Kenny hated each other, so he'd take any excuse to hurt him. I couldn't let that happen."
Nessa stared at her for a moment. "You really love Kenny, huh?"
Denise nodded. "Yeah."
"And he loves you just as much."
"Yeah. At least I hope he still does," she added. A single tear made its way onto her face. She wiped it away quickly, but not before Nessa could see. She placed a hand on Denise's back, rubbing gently.
"Hey," she said. "It's okay. You guys will make up. You're just being... tested."
Denise shrugged slowly. "I really hope so. I screwed up big time, though."
"It's okay," she repeated. "We all get kinda crazy sometimes."
"I guess."
Nessa sighed. "So what else happened tonight?"
Denise groaned and flopped down onto her back. "Well, I got so drunk I puked my guts out after I got off the phone with Kenny. But I guess the fact that I was wasted enough to mess around with another guy tipped you off to that."
Nessa frowned. "How much did you have to drink?"
"The one you gave me and then one more."
"That got you trashed? Just two beers?"
Denise shrugged again. "I don't know. I don't think it was just beer though. I think there might have been an upper in it."
Nessa shifted uncomfortably. "What makes you think that?"
Denise gave her a quizzical look. "Well, like you just said, two plain beers wouldn't mess me up to the point of cheating."
Nessa glanced at the floor. "Oh. Well, I didn't mean that it couldn't get you trashed, I just meant that... uh... maybe you thought you were more drunk than you actually were. Or something."
Denise sat up and narrowed her eyes. "What do you mean thought I was drunk? I don't think puking for five minutes straight comes from a state of mind."
Nessa covered her eyes with her hand. "I didn't mean it to sound like that. I just..." She sighed. "Look, I have to tell you something, and you have to promise me you won't get mad."
Denise looked at her wearily. Nessa's display of guilty behavior was starting to perturb her. "Nessa," she said carefully. "Did you put an upper in my drink?"
Nessa shook her head. "No."
Denise frowned. "Then why--"
"I put a downer in it," she said, looking away. Denise stared at her in complete shock, not wanting to believe that her suspicions had been confirmed.
"You... you what?!?!"
"I put a downer in your drink," Nessa repeated.
"I heard you!" Denise snapped.
Nessa winced. "Look, I'm sorry. I just wanted you to wind down and enjoy yourself instead of being all tense and uptight. I--"
Denise raised a hand to silence her. "No. I cannot believe this. What the hell would possess you to do something so stupid?"
She shrugged. "I don't know."
"Well hurry up and figure it out!"
She sighed. "I guess I... I knew you wouldn't drink enough willingly to completely relax. I thought I was doing you a favor."
Denise shot her a venomous look. "Oh, yeah, Nessa, you did me a real favor. Do you even understand what a total fucking mess my life is right now?"
"That's not my fault," Nessa replied. "It's not like I planned for you to hook up with someone else."
Denise recoiled, momentarily speechless. "That's not the issue here!"
"I think it is," Nessa said. "You're mad at me because I tried to get you to loosen up and you took it a step too far."
"Yeah, a step I never would have taken if you hadn't put an upper in my drink!"
"It was a downer," Nessa corrected.
"Whatever!" she snapped.
Nessa stood up. "Look, Denise, I made a mistake and I'm sorry. I didn't expect you to freak out like this."
Denise got to her feet, facing her roomate. "Why shouldn't I freak out like this?" she demanded. "None of this would have happened if it hadn't been for you and your Goddamned drugs!"
Nessa scowled. "Stop trying to shove this off on me," she spat. "And it wasn't drugs, it was Darvocet. Prescription."
"Same fucking thing!"Denise exclaimed.
"No, it's not," Nessa said. "There's a big difference between--"
Denise shook her head. "Spare me the technicalities, okay?"
Nessa shrugged. "Fine."
Denise clenched her fists, livid at Nessa's coldness and blatant lack of remorse. Intense anger slithered through her veins, coiling up like a snake getting ready to strike. Calm down, calm down, she told herself. But she couldn't be calmed, no matter how hard she tried to keep her temper under control. Finally, she exploded. "Jesus Christ, Vanessa, are you even human?!" she shouted. "What's with the sudden lack of emotion? I thought you were so concerned about wanting me to make friends and wanting me to socialize and all that shit. Can't come to terms with the fact that you made a major mistake, can you?"
"I can't come to terms with the fact that I've made a major mistake?" Nessa repeated, raising her voice. "Oh my God, you are in total denial!"
"Oh really?" Denise said. "In denial of what exactly?"
"In denial of the fact that I'm not the one who's most at fault here! I'm not the one who cheated on my boyfriend, okay?"
Those words hit Denise like a stake through the heart, numbing her fury. "That was harsh, Vanessa," she said quietly. "And totally irrelevant."
Nessa threw up her hands. "What is relevant here, Denise? Because you really can't seem to make up your mind!"
Denise glared at her as sadness and betrayal overpowered her anger. "You want to know what's relevant here?" she asked, tiny daggers of emotion stabbing at the back of her eyes. "The fact that you were the only person in this whole fucked-up school that I trusted. The only person I could actually call a friend. I put up with all your shit, all the guys you bring back here, all the times you came back totally wasted, everything... because I thought maybe it would make it easier for myself if I had a friend here." She took a step toward Nessa before continuing. "But I guess I was wrong. Really, really wrong. Because having that friend cost me the person I love most in the world."
Nessa stood in silence for a moment, contemplating what had been said. A mixed look of rage, guilt and hurt contorted her face, and when she opened her mouth to speak, a sob escaped. "I'm sorry," she said. She struggled for a moment to regain her composure and took a step away from Denise. "I guess I... I'm a lot drunker than I thought."
"I guess so," Denise replied.
"I get really... aggressive... when I drink too much."
"Really?" Denise asked. "I never would have guessed."
Nessa continued, ignoring the sarcasm in Denise's voice. "Mood swings, too," she said. "Manic ones."
Denise nodded. "I figured that much."
Nessa looked at Denise, regret flashing over and over again in her eyes. "I'm out of it," she said quietly. "I'm really sorry. Is there anything... anything I can do?"
Denise sighed and sat down on her bed. "I need to be alone for awhile," she told her. "Could you leave?"
Nessa shook her head. "Yeah. I'll go hang out at Keith's 'til I cool off." She winced. "I've got a killer headache."
"Take a Darvocet," Denise suggested. The mocking humor was wasted on Nessa.
"I think I will," she said. "Just let me grab some and then I'll go."
Denise watched her as she walked to the bathroom and opened the medicine cabinet. She noticed a sudden fatigue in her stride, like there was an enormous weight on her shoulders. Nessa removed a small, plastic bottle from the cabinet and dumped three pills into her hand, then tipped her head back and dropped them into her mouth, swallowing sans water. She walked back to the bedroom and stood in front of Denise. "I really am sorry."
"I know," Denise said. "A lot happened to me tonight, though, and I'm not really ready to forgive you."
Nessa nodded. "Yeah. I'll come back tomorrow when we've both slept it off, and then we can talk, okay?"
"Okay," Denise said. Nessa looked at her a moment longer before turning and walking out of the dorm.
__________________________________________________________________________________
To: WhtBizkit699@aol.com
From: SxFtUndr@yahoo.com
Date Sent: 9/27/98
Time Sent: 12:54:09 AM EST
Subject: dont delete this
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Kenny~
i know this wont make much of a difference, but i need to tell you... my drink *was* spiked tonight, thats why i got as out of it as i did... my roommate came home and confessed to putting darvocet in it, we got in a huge fight, things are messy here... um, ill keep this short cuz i know ur really pissed at me, but i wanted to say again im really really really sorry about everything... i guess i know how u feel now, as far as feeling betrayed goes... maybe we can talk soon, try to straighten things out... ok... bye
~Denise
_______________________________________________________________________________________________
To: SxFtUndr@yahoo.com
From: WhtBizkit699@aol.com
Date Sent: 9/27/98
Time Sent: 6:02:51 AM EST
Re: dont delete this
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
im srry u and ur roommate r in a fight... that was stupid of her 2 do that to u... but i need to think about a lot of stuff b4 we can start straightening out our relationship... i guess ive calmed down a little but im no less hurt... ill email u when im ready to talk this out... cya
-Kenny
______________________________________
To: WhtBizkit669@aol.com
From: SxFtUndr@yahoo.com
Date Sent: 9/27/98
Time Sent: 11:14:43 AM EST
Re: re: dont delete this
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Kenny~
thx for reading that, i was afraid youd just delete it (if u couldn't tell by the subject)... nessa and i had a long talk this mornin and stuff is better between us now... still shaky, but better... i hope things between *us* can get better too... i know u probably dont want to hear from me right now, but just do me this one thing-- dont lose touch... im not going to classes today (too sick & upset) so ill be here if u wanna write... ok...bye
~Denise
_______________________________________________________________________________________________
To: SxFtUndr@yahoo.com
From: WhtBizkit669@aol.com
Date Sent: 9/27/98
Time Sent: 8:33:56 PM EST
Re: re: re: dont delete this
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
glad u and ur roommate fixed things... srry i cant say the same 4 us yet... i wont lose touch, but i need some time 2 think w/o distractions (you), so dont email me for a little while... like i said, ill write (or call) when im ready...cya
-Kenny
______________________________________
To: WhtBizkit669@aol.com
From: SxFtUndr@yahoo.com
Date Sent: 9/28/98
Time Sent: 9:13:50 PM EST
Re: re: re: re: dont delete this
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Kenny~
this is the last 1, i promise... just wanted to say again that im srry... maybe ill hear from u in not 2 long... that woud be nice... well, i guess i should go now... homework... so, goodbye... not 4ever i hope...
~Denise
The buzz from the alcohol was gone. All that was left in its place was a dull headache that pounded mercilessly in her ears. That was so not beer, Denise thought. Two cups of plain beer wouldn't have fucked me up like that. She draped an arm over her eyes, trying to forget about what she'd just done. I just cheated on Kenny. On Kenny. What the hell is wrong with me? Regret welled up inside her, manifesting itself in the form of a single tear. I have to tell him, she decided. I won't be able to live with myself if I don't. She got up off her bed and retrieved the cordless phone from its cradle near the door. She held the phone idly for a moment, trying to get up the courage to dial Kenny's number. Finally she allowed her fingers to press the buttons and brought the receiver up to her ear, waiting in terror to hear the voice of the person she loved.
Ring. Ring. Ring.
How am I gonna do this?
Ring. Ring. Ring.
Please don't let him be home.
CLICK.
"Hey, this is Kenny. I'm not here, so leave me one after the beep."
Denise felt sick to her stomach as his answering machine let out a long tone. She took a deep breath, willing her voice to sound even, but the normalcy was strangled out of it by the guilt caked thickly in the back of her throat.
"Hey Kenny, it's just me," she said. "Um, I really need to talk to you about something, so call me as soon as you get this message. I don't care how late--"
CLICK.
Denise heard a yawn at the other end of the line. "Denny?"
Her heart began to race. "Kenny?"
"Hi hon," came the groggy affirmation.
"Did I wake you?"
"Yeah, but it's okay. I fell asleep doing homework. You know how that is."
Denise forced a laugh.
"So what's up?" Kenny asked. "Is everything all right? You sound stressed."
"I am," she told him.
"What's wrong? University life getting to ya?" He smiled audibly. Denise bit her lip, trying to keep her voice from wavering.
"Listen, Kenny, I did something really stupid tonight, something that I really, really wish had never happened."
In her mind's eye, she could see the grin sliding off his face.
"Okay, I take it this isn't a happy call. What did you do?"
"I... I, uh..."
"Go on, spit it out."
"I...I... God, this is so hard..."
"What?" he pressed. "You're starting to freak me out."
She squeezed her eyes shut and placed a hand on her forehead. "I...I... oh, God," she repeated. "I hooked up with another guy."
Denise did not breathe as she awaited Kenny's reaction.
"Hahaha," he said. "Seriously, what'd you do?"
"I'm not kidding, Kenny," she whispered. A stunned silence followed.
"You're...you're not?"
She shook her head, a useless gesture seeing as they were not face-to-face. "I am so sorry," she said.
More silence.
"Kenny?"
"Why?"
"I... I was drunk," she admitted abashedly.
"Drunk?" he repeated, shocked. "You were drinking? Why were you drinking?"
Denise swallowed hard. "I was at a... at a party. My roommate took me."
"How much did you drink?"
"Like... two cups."
"Two cups. You're trying to blame this on two cups of beer?"
"It wasn't beer!"
"Well, what was it then?"
Denise was scared by the calm in Kenny's voice. "I don't know," she told him. "I mean, it was beer, but I think there was something else mixed in with it. Like an upper or something."
"An upper? Like what?"
"I have no idea."
"So you don't know what you were drinking?"
"No."
Kenny contemplated this for a moment. "Denise, do you have any idea how dangerous that is?" he said. "Especially since you don't drink a lot anway! You have no tolerance for alcohol!"
"I know!"
"You could have gotten raped or something!"
"Kenny, I know!" Denise said, raising her voice. "You don't have to lecture me about this! I'm 18! God, give me some credit here!"
"Whoa, whoa, whoa!" Kenny exclaimed. "Don't go off on me about lecturing you when you just cheated on me!"
She flinched. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean for anything to happen, though! I was all messed up from the alcohol. And I hadn't seen him in so long, and then he gave me a drink and took me out on the back porch, and we were talking and remembering, and--"
"Wait," he said. "You hadn't seen him in so long? Who was it?"
Denise gave a silent sob."Josh... Josh Briggs."
"Josh Briggs," Kenny repeated slowly, not able to believe what he'd just heard. "As in the Josh Briggs who got me suspended in 11th grade for supposedly having pot in my locker?"
"Yeah," she whispered. "That one."
She heard Kenny breathing heavily on the other end of the line, trying to control his anger.
"Denise, do you understand how much this hurts me?" he asked her. "I mean, now instead of imagining you with some friggen NYU prep, all I can see is you with the kid who helped ruin my chances of getting into a good school."
"Please," she said softly. "I'm so sorry."
Kenny sighed. "Sorry doesn't fix things like this."
"I swear to God it won't happen again," she told him. "Don't you trust me?"
"I trusted you more than anyone else in the world, Denise," he said, choking with hurt. "I trusted that you wouldn't mess around on me in the first place, but you did. That's a hard thing to forgive."
"Please try," she said.
Kenny took a deep breath. "I don't know, Denise. I just don't know."
"Don't know what?" she asked, afraid of the reply.
Kenny gave a small gasp, as if he couldn't believe what he was about to say. "I don't know if this long-distance thing is going to work out."
The words hit Denise like a train.
"Wh-what do you mean?" she said, a note of panic shrilling her voice.
"I mean," Kenny started, "that when there's no trust, there's no relationship."
Her eyes went wide as the meaning of this statement sunk in, and tears clowly creeped into her throat. She swallowed them down, unwilling to stop fighting.
"But I trust you! A-and you said that you trust me more than anyone!"
"No," he told her, his voice saturated with sadness. "I said that I trusted you. And right now I'm not sure what I feel about you, except for incredibly hurt and angry."
Denise was burning up with shame. She was desperate for something to make everything all right again. "At least I called you to tell you about it, Kenny," she said. "I mean, I could have just kept it to myself and saved us all this trouble, but I thought you needed to know."
"Is that how you figure everything evens out?" he asked. "You hooked up with someone else, but since you're telling me about it then it's all okay?"
"No, but I thought maybe you'd appreciate the fact that I decided to confess."
"I do appreciate it. But it doesn't make things better."
Denise's heart sank. "So this is it then? Just like that... we're done?"
Kenny sniffed before he spoke again, and she realized that he was crying. "For a while," he said. "I just can't deal with this right now."
"Please think about it," Denise begged. "Do you know what it's doing to me knowing you're mad at me?"
"Do you know what it's doing to me knowing that you were unfaithful?"
She was crying openly now. "Please don't end this. I'm so so so so sorry!"
Kenny made a strangled noise in the back of his throat, the hybrid of a sob and a sigh. "Denise, don't make this harder for me than it already is," he said. "I have to go now."
"Don't, Kenny, please."
"Goodbye, Denise."
"Kenny! Wait--"
CLICK.
"I love you," Denise whispered to the dial tone. A wave of nausea swept over her as alcohol meshed with tumultuous emotions, and bile rose up in her throat. She dropped the phone and ran to the bathroom, making it there just in time. She sank to her knees in front of the toilet as the contents of her stomach spilled out.
Denise finished vomiting and climbed shakily to her feet. She made her way to the small, ceramic sink and turned on the faucet, cupping her hands beneath the flow of freezing water. She splashed a few shocking handfuls onto her face, then leaned against the basin, squinting painfully into the mirror. The person staring back at her was a wreck. Red hair clung to a clammy forehead, standing out against pale skin like fire against snow. The crimson swelling of tears and exhaustion clouded big, green eyes, creating an illusion of lifelessness. There was no trace of emotion left on the face she saw in the mirror, but she knew it was hurting.
Denise turned away from the sink and walked slowly to her bed, feeling hollow and drained. She laid down and curled up tightly into a ball, shutting her eyes against reality. This is not happening, she told herself. This can't be happening. Not to me and Kenny.
But she knew that it was happening. The one sturdy rope in her life was beginning to unravel, and it was all her fault. She wished so badly that she could go back in time and do the whole night over, right all the wrong decisions she'd made. She never would have gone out on the back porch alone with Josh. She never would have kept drinking after the suspicion arose that her beer was spiked. She never would have allowed Nessa to convince her to go to the party in the first place. She never would have...
"Denise?"
Her miserable thoughts were interrupted by a slightly slurred voice coming from the front of the dorm. It was Nessa.
"Are you here?"
Denise lifted her head from the soggy pillow and wiped her eyes. "I'm on my bed," she answered. Nessa ambled back to Denise, stumbling tipsily.
"Where did you go?" she asked, leaning over Denise's limp form. "Why did you leave without telling me?"
Denise sat up. "I needed to get out of there," she said quietly.
"Um, okay. But I thought you said you'd come get me if--" Nessa stopped short as she noticed Denise's tear-stained complexion. "Oh my God, what happened to you?"
Denise took a deep breath, forcing her emotions to stay inside. "I had a rough night," she said.
Nessa sat down next to her, peering concernedly at her face. "Obviously! What happened?"
She shook her head. "Lots of things."
"Like what?"
Denise shrugged. "Just... things."
"Denise, it takes a lot to get you shaken up like this. Tell me what happened." Nessa's tone turned from curious and concerned to firm and almost scared. Denise sighed.
"Well, first of all, my boyfriend just broke up with me."
Nessa's eyes went wide. "Why?!?"
Denise drew her knees up, resting her head on them. "I cheated on him," she said, voice dripping with guilt.
A look of shock made itself visible of Nessa's face. "How did he find out?"
Denise closed her eyes. "I called him and told him."
Nessa leaned back and shook her head. "Ooooooh," she said understandingly. "That was a brave thing to do. But it probably wasn't the best idea, hon."
She looked up. "I know. But I wouldn't have been able to live with myself if I hadn't told him. I mean, it would have hurt him so much more if he'd found out from someone else. It was bad enough coming from me."
Nessa nodded. "That's true. But I mean, who else would have told him?"
Denise swallowed. "The guy I cheated with. I-- I went to high school with him. He and Kenny hated each other, so he'd take any excuse to hurt him. I couldn't let that happen."
Nessa stared at her for a moment. "You really love Kenny, huh?"
Denise nodded. "Yeah."
"And he loves you just as much."
"Yeah. At least I hope he still does," she added. A single tear made its way onto her face. She wiped it away quickly, but not before Nessa could see. She placed a hand on Denise's back, rubbing gently.
"Hey," she said. "It's okay. You guys will make up. You're just being... tested."
Denise shrugged slowly. "I really hope so. I screwed up big time, though."
"It's okay," she repeated. "We all get kinda crazy sometimes."
"I guess."
Nessa sighed. "So what else happened tonight?"
Denise groaned and flopped down onto her back. "Well, I got so drunk I puked my guts out after I got off the phone with Kenny. But I guess the fact that I was wasted enough to mess around with another guy tipped you off to that."
Nessa frowned. "How much did you have to drink?"
"The one you gave me and then one more."
"That got you trashed? Just two beers?"
Denise shrugged again. "I don't know. I don't think it was just beer though. I think there might have been an upper in it."
Nessa shifted uncomfortably. "What makes you think that?"
Denise gave her a quizzical look. "Well, like you just said, two plain beers wouldn't mess me up to the point of cheating."
Nessa glanced at the floor. "Oh. Well, I didn't mean that it couldn't get you trashed, I just meant that... uh... maybe you thought you were more drunk than you actually were. Or something."
Denise sat up and narrowed her eyes. "What do you mean thought I was drunk? I don't think puking for five minutes straight comes from a state of mind."
Nessa covered her eyes with her hand. "I didn't mean it to sound like that. I just..." She sighed. "Look, I have to tell you something, and you have to promise me you won't get mad."
Denise looked at her wearily. Nessa's display of guilty behavior was starting to perturb her. "Nessa," she said carefully. "Did you put an upper in my drink?"
Nessa shook her head. "No."
Denise frowned. "Then why--"
"I put a downer in it," she said, looking away. Denise stared at her in complete shock, not wanting to believe that her suspicions had been confirmed.
"You... you what?!?!"
"I put a downer in your drink," Nessa repeated.
"I heard you!" Denise snapped.
Nessa winced. "Look, I'm sorry. I just wanted you to wind down and enjoy yourself instead of being all tense and uptight. I--"
Denise raised a hand to silence her. "No. I cannot believe this. What the hell would possess you to do something so stupid?"
She shrugged. "I don't know."
"Well hurry up and figure it out!"
She sighed. "I guess I... I knew you wouldn't drink enough willingly to completely relax. I thought I was doing you a favor."
Denise shot her a venomous look. "Oh, yeah, Nessa, you did me a real favor. Do you even understand what a total fucking mess my life is right now?"
"That's not my fault," Nessa replied. "It's not like I planned for you to hook up with someone else."
Denise recoiled, momentarily speechless. "That's not the issue here!"
"I think it is," Nessa said. "You're mad at me because I tried to get you to loosen up and you took it a step too far."
"Yeah, a step I never would have taken if you hadn't put an upper in my drink!"
"It was a downer," Nessa corrected.
"Whatever!" she snapped.
Nessa stood up. "Look, Denise, I made a mistake and I'm sorry. I didn't expect you to freak out like this."
Denise got to her feet, facing her roomate. "Why shouldn't I freak out like this?" she demanded. "None of this would have happened if it hadn't been for you and your Goddamned drugs!"
Nessa scowled. "Stop trying to shove this off on me," she spat. "And it wasn't drugs, it was Darvocet. Prescription."
"Same fucking thing!"Denise exclaimed.
"No, it's not," Nessa said. "There's a big difference between--"
Denise shook her head. "Spare me the technicalities, okay?"
Nessa shrugged. "Fine."
Denise clenched her fists, livid at Nessa's coldness and blatant lack of remorse. Intense anger slithered through her veins, coiling up like a snake getting ready to strike. Calm down, calm down, she told herself. But she couldn't be calmed, no matter how hard she tried to keep her temper under control. Finally, she exploded. "Jesus Christ, Vanessa, are you even human?!" she shouted. "What's with the sudden lack of emotion? I thought you were so concerned about wanting me to make friends and wanting me to socialize and all that shit. Can't come to terms with the fact that you made a major mistake, can you?"
"I can't come to terms with the fact that I've made a major mistake?" Nessa repeated, raising her voice. "Oh my God, you are in total denial!"
"Oh really?" Denise said. "In denial of what exactly?"
"In denial of the fact that I'm not the one who's most at fault here! I'm not the one who cheated on my boyfriend, okay?"
Those words hit Denise like a stake through the heart, numbing her fury. "That was harsh, Vanessa," she said quietly. "And totally irrelevant."
Nessa threw up her hands. "What is relevant here, Denise? Because you really can't seem to make up your mind!"
Denise glared at her as sadness and betrayal overpowered her anger. "You want to know what's relevant here?" she asked, tiny daggers of emotion stabbing at the back of her eyes. "The fact that you were the only person in this whole fucked-up school that I trusted. The only person I could actually call a friend. I put up with all your shit, all the guys you bring back here, all the times you came back totally wasted, everything... because I thought maybe it would make it easier for myself if I had a friend here." She took a step toward Nessa before continuing. "But I guess I was wrong. Really, really wrong. Because having that friend cost me the person I love most in the world."
Nessa stood in silence for a moment, contemplating what had been said. A mixed look of rage, guilt and hurt contorted her face, and when she opened her mouth to speak, a sob escaped. "I'm sorry," she said. She struggled for a moment to regain her composure and took a step away from Denise. "I guess I... I'm a lot drunker than I thought."
"I guess so," Denise replied.
"I get really... aggressive... when I drink too much."
"Really?" Denise asked. "I never would have guessed."
Nessa continued, ignoring the sarcasm in Denise's voice. "Mood swings, too," she said. "Manic ones."
Denise nodded. "I figured that much."
Nessa looked at Denise, regret flashing over and over again in her eyes. "I'm out of it," she said quietly. "I'm really sorry. Is there anything... anything I can do?"
Denise sighed and sat down on her bed. "I need to be alone for awhile," she told her. "Could you leave?"
Nessa shook her head. "Yeah. I'll go hang out at Keith's 'til I cool off." She winced. "I've got a killer headache."
"Take a Darvocet," Denise suggested. The mocking humor was wasted on Nessa.
"I think I will," she said. "Just let me grab some and then I'll go."
Denise watched her as she walked to the bathroom and opened the medicine cabinet. She noticed a sudden fatigue in her stride, like there was an enormous weight on her shoulders. Nessa removed a small, plastic bottle from the cabinet and dumped three pills into her hand, then tipped her head back and dropped them into her mouth, swallowing sans water. She walked back to the bedroom and stood in front of Denise. "I really am sorry."
"I know," Denise said. "A lot happened to me tonight, though, and I'm not really ready to forgive you."
Nessa nodded. "Yeah. I'll come back tomorrow when we've both slept it off, and then we can talk, okay?"
"Okay," Denise said. Nessa looked at her a moment longer before turning and walking out of the dorm.
__________________________________________________________________________________
To: WhtBizkit699@aol.com
From: SxFtUndr@yahoo.com
Date Sent: 9/27/98
Time Sent: 12:54:09 AM EST
Subject: dont delete this
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Kenny~
i know this wont make much of a difference, but i need to tell you... my drink *was* spiked tonight, thats why i got as out of it as i did... my roommate came home and confessed to putting darvocet in it, we got in a huge fight, things are messy here... um, ill keep this short cuz i know ur really pissed at me, but i wanted to say again im really really really sorry about everything... i guess i know how u feel now, as far as feeling betrayed goes... maybe we can talk soon, try to straighten things out... ok... bye
~Denise
_______________________________________________________________________________________________
To: SxFtUndr@yahoo.com
From: WhtBizkit699@aol.com
Date Sent: 9/27/98
Time Sent: 6:02:51 AM EST
Re: dont delete this
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
im srry u and ur roommate r in a fight... that was stupid of her 2 do that to u... but i need to think about a lot of stuff b4 we can start straightening out our relationship... i guess ive calmed down a little but im no less hurt... ill email u when im ready to talk this out... cya
-Kenny
______________________________________
To: WhtBizkit669@aol.com
From: SxFtUndr@yahoo.com
Date Sent: 9/27/98
Time Sent: 11:14:43 AM EST
Re: re: dont delete this
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Kenny~
thx for reading that, i was afraid youd just delete it (if u couldn't tell by the subject)... nessa and i had a long talk this mornin and stuff is better between us now... still shaky, but better... i hope things between *us* can get better too... i know u probably dont want to hear from me right now, but just do me this one thing-- dont lose touch... im not going to classes today (too sick & upset) so ill be here if u wanna write... ok...bye
~Denise
_______________________________________________________________________________________________
To: SxFtUndr@yahoo.com
From: WhtBizkit669@aol.com
Date Sent: 9/27/98
Time Sent: 8:33:56 PM EST
Re: re: re: dont delete this
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
glad u and ur roommate fixed things... srry i cant say the same 4 us yet... i wont lose touch, but i need some time 2 think w/o distractions (you), so dont email me for a little while... like i said, ill write (or call) when im ready...cya
-Kenny
______________________________________
To: WhtBizkit669@aol.com
From: SxFtUndr@yahoo.com
Date Sent: 9/28/98
Time Sent: 9:13:50 PM EST
Re: re: re: re: dont delete this
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Kenny~
this is the last 1, i promise... just wanted to say again that im srry... maybe ill hear from u in not 2 long... that woud be nice... well, i guess i should go now... homework... so, goodbye... not 4ever i hope...
~Denise