Obviously, Evangelion and all related characters are copyrights of Gainax, etc. etc. etc. This is not written for profit. Feel free to distrubute, but please do not remove this disclaimer. Thanks, Kerristallax (kerristallax@yahoo.com)
The Kaworu Chronicles
Part 4: Human, or Don't Be
Massive Re-Write Edition
Asuka was up early the next morning, the rising sun forcing her to awaken far earlier than would have been her preference.
*---------------------------*
I sat up apruptly, disoriented and confused. The room was still a dusky gray; the sun was not high enough to provide any useful illumination. It was, however, at just the right angle to shine into my window. Through the window, the light reflected powerfully off something lying on the bed. It appeared as a shiny, black, rectangular wet spot. No... It's not wet... It's... a transparency print...
Seeing the print sitting on my bed brought recollection, at least partially. Last night... I couldn't sleep... So I wandered aimlessly into the kitchen; perhaps Misato was still awake drinking or something. She wasn't. Bored but not tired, I had discovered the envelope she was carrying on the NERV elevator yesterday. I had thought nothing of it, then. Now... What is it? I must have fainted... That means... Someone carried me in here and put me to bed. Probably... Shinji... That pervert... I don't even want to know... Maybe he tried to kiss me in my sleep... again...
I clenched my fist in anger at the possibility that I had been taken advantage of. I looked down to my hands, imagining them colliding forcefully with Shinji's face. Shinji's... or... whoever... Well, perhaps not if Misato had carried me in to my room. This tangent of thought was interrupted by a sudden realization. My arm was glowing a pale white.
I very nearly screamed. Somehow, I managed to bring clamp my other hand over my mouth. It would not do to humiliate myself twice in so short a time. The others... would scorn me for my weakness, if I screamed. I can't let that happen.
I remained sitting with my left hand over my mouth, staring at my right arm in horror, until the sun had risen high enough that it no longer shown through the window so brightly. My right arm was normal-looking again... If it was glowing, that had only lasted a second. After deciding that I was indeed safe, and sane, I picked up the transparency, which had lain undisturbed throughout the whole episode. Raising it to the light, I observed the outline of... myself. I could see my bones clearly, and a silhouette of my body. But the most striking feature of the print was a pure, white sphere in the center of my being. That's certainly not normal... Just what is it? There was no fine print hidden somewhere to give a towards the meaning of this...
Left to my own devices, I began theorizing on what I knew of that was so perfectly round and similarly sized. Few objects fit such a description... Except for a... baseball... I can think of nothing... My thoughts returned to my right arm. A likely revelation struck me forcefully at this. An Angel Core... That which allows the Angels to manipulate the AT Field such as they do. Angels like... Nagisa Kaworu and Ayanami Rei...
No... Not that... Somehow, the Commander did... this... to me... I didn't even know I valued being a human... Why? Why me?!
I knew the answer, however... I was the easiest target. At one point... I would have thought that the Commander would value his own son's humanity more than to take it away. Perhaps he still does... I do know that relations are tense between the Ikaris... So... He chose me... for the experiment... yesterday... in the Entry Plug. That is the only explanation.
But... Is there something I don't know? Am I an Angel? It disgusts my... very... core... How ironic... It disgusts... me... that I am asking such a question. I tried to remember all of Rei and Kaworu's strange behaviors. Try as I might, I could not make myself feel hungry... or tired... or in pain... I held my breathe, to see if anything would happen. Five minutes later, and I was not even uncomfortable... Rarely a good sign. Sighing, I gave up and returned to automatic, normal breathing. So far, I've managed to do everything that I think they can do, and we humans can't... 'We humans'? Can I even refer to humanity as a 'we' any longer? Damn...
I sat upright in bed, completely motionless, thinking over my current status. It must have been around an hour before I heard a voice calling to me from outside the room.
"Asuka! Let's go! You're going to be late!" Misato yelled loudly.
"Late for what?!" I demanded nastily. I certainly wasn't going back to NERV today for more... experimentation...
"School!"
Huh?
"The government assigned us a temporary location to use. It's a bit out of the way, but you will be able to see Hikari and your friends, at least..." Misato tried to convince me.
Nothing like last-minute decisions... Grumbling, I pulled on my much-hated uniform. Perhaps Rei was content to dress like this every day, but wearing the same clothing as everyone else was loathesome to me. I buttoned up the teal jumper and walked over to my dresser. As always, the red neural amplifiers were resting on top of it, waiting for me to put them on, the same as every day. I had made a point of putting them on even when there were no tests scheduled. They were a constant reminder to me, as if I could forget, of why I was here. I'm an Eva pilot... Or at least I was... Now... I don't know what I am...
I left the neural amplifiers where they lay and headed for the door. Exiting, I observed Shinji standing over the toaster, patiently waiting for the bread to pop out.
"Good morning, Asuka..." he said nervously. "I made some toast for you... I don't know if you want it, but..."
Did everyone know about... the experiment... but me?
"Thanks, Shinji-kun..." I responded after a long pause. Shinji looked relieved when I sat down to eat it. Ever the polite host, he had even poured a glass of orange juice. I should have felt pleased... that someone still cared about me... But... it made me... saddened. Despairing... Most of all... empty. Empty and alone.
I picked up the piece of toast he had prepared for me and took a bite, even though I had no inclination to do so. It had an ashen taste about it... I glanced at the toast. It was not burned... Then why does it taste like I am eating charcoal? I set the toast down despondently. Why...
I noticed Shinji's saddened appearance.
"I......" I tried to speak. I... can't say... anything...
I tried to drink some of the orange juice he had poured. I moved too quickly... the glass fell off the table and shattered. Shinji rushed to get a towel and clean up the mess. I stared orange-yellow fluid spreading across the floor. Yellow... like LCL... My eyes were filled with water. A single tear ran down my face. I covered my face with my hands, temporarily unable to go on. More than that, I could not let anyone see me crying...
At that moment, there was a knock at the front door. Shinji had finished wiping up the orange juice and hurried to answer it. He opened the door, admitting Kaworu and Rei. They must have seen me sitting pathetically at the table, an uneaten piece of toast before me, for when I looked up, they were standing next to me. Kaworu wore his ever-present smile, trying to calm my fears... Or something... I gave the two of them a deploring look.
"I... can't... " I stammered. I don't know if either of them understood, but I felt a hand on my shoulder. Kaworu's. He was trying to comfort me... Why? He's no better than I am, and possibly worse...
"You can't give up, Asuka," Rei said to me. That did it. I couldn't stand Wonder-Girl feeling sorry for me. I stood up, furious. I heard the chair fall to the ground, but I was only half-aware of it. I took a swing at Rei. I was further enraged when Kaworu stopped my hand. He gave me a pleading look, but said nothing. I returned the favor by shooting him a glance that would have frozen his blood. If, I suppose, he'd had a normal heart instead of some Angel core.
Misato drove us all to school today, seeing as it was impossible for us to walk the long distance towards this new, remote location. I sat in the front seat, feeling deflated after the episode at breakfast. The feeling of emptiness and isolation had returned... When we arrived at school, there was to be no improvement. The building was old, and had apparently been in a state of disuse for some time. Loneliness pervaded the place. Less than half of the students had been able to come. Even Aida and Suzuhara were absent... Somehow, the same old man who had always taught us managed to be there. You'd think that an old man, such as he, would have had the good graces to get himself killed in one of the Angel attacks, or failing those, in the Unit 00 self-destruction. I suppose that's what you get for paying attention to the safety recommendations...
Sensei introduced Nagisa Kaworu to the class before we began the usual routine of the day. When writing his name on the improvised markerboard as per standard practice, he received strange looks from almost everyone. There were so many questions. Why come here after the Angel attacks have gone on for so long? Why is he so similar-looking to Ayanami Rei? Though he must have heard the students talking amongst themselves about him, Kaworu was still friendly to those who had the courage to talk to him. The morning passed, as typical, with practically no-one actually listening to the teacher.
Hikari sat next to me, concerned about my well-being. She asked me why I had not worn the amplifiers. I didn't know. I tried to think of a reason, but I could not. So, I simply said nothing. This caused Hikari to be even more worried about me. "I'm fine..." I assured her. I hope the look on my face didn't give away the lie. Speaking those words made me think of just how pathetic I had become. I never lie... And especially not to Hikari. Even Kaworu never lies... I fell into a bottomless pool of self-pity, only finding the waters to be tainted by an equally strong self-loathing.
By noon, most of the students had found some question to ask Kaworu, or had overcome their fears that he, having the same red eyes and pale skin as Rei, would be cold, uncaring, and generally silent. They had discovered that quite the opposite was true. So, there was a comparatively large crowd around his desk. Everyone was talking at once, making quite the impressive amount of racket. I had been the center of such attention, once... Now... I'm... not even... a spectator...
Rei sat quietly, her assigned seat being next to Kaworu's, eating the lunch she must have packed before coming to our apartment this morning. She did not appear to be angered at me for attempting to strike her... Still, who knew what Ayanami Rei thought, anyway? Actually, Nagisa Kaworu does... If there were ever two... Angels... better suited for each other, I've not seen them. Realizing the closeness those two seem to share made me all the more aware of my own isolation. I'm alone...
"Kaworu," I said to him. Apparently, he was too far away, or the noise was too intense, for him to hear me. I waited a moment before trying again. "Kaworu." I had put marginally more energy into my voice this time, but it still failed to reach him.
"Tabris," I whispered. He turned his head to me, obviously startled. I stopped, knowing that I could not speak my mind. I wanted...... I wanted someone to tell me that everything was going to be all-right. Kaworu has a habit of making people believe that. He can... restore others' confidence in themselves, somehow. I don't exactly understand what it is about him. But... He has a way with words...
"Asuka..." I heard Shinji say. "I brought you some lunch. I know... you had a difficult time... this morning... but... I brought your lunch..." I can feel a sense of meaning well from him, but... It only deepens my sadness. I turned to face him... I hope there was a look of thankfulness, gratitude, or... anything... in my eyes, but I think they were filled with unshed tears again. No, Shinji-kun; it's not your fault. Don't leave me... Why can't I tell him that?
Shinji sat down next to me, calmly eating his own lunch. Odd... Something so simple as eating, or even wanting to eat, is suddenly foreign to me. I managed to consume most of my sandwich, however. For whose benefit I had done that, I am not quite sure. Probably for Shinji-kun...
Before I knew it, we were all in our rightful seats again, preparing for a long and doubtlessly soporific lecture. Sensei began by telling us how much better off we were, even with the endless Angel attacks, than he had been in the Second Impact. After he had imposed a profound lack of self-worth on us, the man launched into his favorite tangent: the Second Impact itself. He seemed to be strangely excited to telling us this again. I found myself staring at the desk I was seated in, it being far more interesting than the lecture ahead of me.
I was surprised the first time when I realized that I could see through my arm to the wood beneath it. At times, I became more transparent, then more solid again. The less I wanted to be here, the easier it was to look through myself. I had concentrated on this for some time before wondering if anyone else had taken notice. Glancing around, it was obvious that Kaworu, Rei, Shinji, and around half the small class had. The students were staring at me with a mixture of shock, disbelief, and fear. Rei and Kaworu had a worried look. Odd, to see worry on the face of Ayanami Rei. The teacher was still in a world of his own. A bright glow enveloped me, somehow more comforting than any of the kind gestures I had received earlier. I vanished, leaving a very surprised class, two very worried Angels, and Ikari Shinji-kun behind. Shinji-kun...
If I had stayed any longer, I would have seen Shinji-kun lying his head on his desk, sobbing uncontrollably. "Asuka... Don't go..." he had said.
I found myself staring at the armored, crimson figure of Unit 02. I was standing in its gantry, observing the tech. crews making repairs to it. The wounds it had suffered from when Kaworu-kun had taken it to Terminal Dogma were mostly healed and fixed... At this time, one of the technicians had noticed me. A glowing, red-haired girl, who had appeared out of nowhere. He started shouting to his comrades, one of which called security. Moments later, the technicians had ran away as fast as they could, and several black-suited intelligence agents were running into the gantry. I think they had told me to freeze. I didn't move, but I didn't respond either. I heard the gunfire echoing through the massive enclosure as they fired repeatedly on me. Their shots ricocheted harmlessly off... an AT Field. Commander Ikari... Why have you done this to me...
'No... I am Soryu Asuka Langley, the Second Child and the pilot of Eva Unit 02. I'm not... some Angel... You're shooting the wrong guy...' I wanted to tell them. But I knew they would not listen. A white halo of light surrounded me again, before I disappeared.
When I opened my eyes, I was a dimly lit room. It was very large, dominated by a comparatively massive desk in the center. A massive desk with a dark figure sitting behind it. I don't know which of us was the more surprised to see the other. For the first time, I saw shock on Ikari Gendou's face. Actually, that was the first emotion I had ever seen on the man's face. Even Rei was not so cold...
"Why..." I asked him softly. Ikari gave no immediate response. "Why did you do this..." Much to my frustration, he still gave no answer. "Why won't you tell me?!"
"Our goals," the Commander replied at length. Was he feeling threatened? "All will be one. All of Lilith's children must eventually return to her..." I don't understand. "You are powerful enough, Soryu. You can do it... You can go to Lilith; you can reunite humanity." For some reason, I doubt this is entirely the case. But... It's so... attractive. "You can be with your mother again, Soryu. You don't have to be alone forever..." Momma. I can see you again? I don't want to be alone... But... I don't believe you... Ikari...
"You're lying..." I hissed. "It's... never that easy..." The dimness of the room was banished by a rapidly growing field of white light around me.
"No..." Ikari whispered. "A... A red pattern... That wasn't... one of our possible scenarios..." He was silenced as the light gathered around him, seeming to take physical form. Seconds later, an explosion of wet, red stains marred the carpet and desk. Ikari Gendou was gone.
You... bastard...
Now... I'm torn between wanting to believe what Ikari told me and an equally strong desire not to comply simply because it was his command. He who took away... me... I must not... obey...
'Asuka...'
Huh? Voices in my head?
'Come to your mother, Asuka...'
Momma? Where are you?
'Deep within the earth...' the voice called to me. Terminal Dogma.
With a thought, I was standing before immense Heaven's Door. A portal large enough for an Eva to walk through comfortably. Only one man had the authorization to pass through its wards, and I had just killed that man. But somehow, I will enter. The door is guarded by... a key-card reader... and... Nagisa Kaworu and Ayanami Rei. The two stood together, grasping each other's hands, as if for support. They were both surrounded by a brilliant white nimbus. I gradually became aware of a... network... between them. A web of blue hexagons, each so small that it was impossible to see them individually unaided. I could not sense where Kaworu ended and Rei began... The patterns were interlaced completely, seamlessly. I was still covered with my own quickly brightening halo, wondering how to reach Momma.
"Asuka..." Rei started to say. "You'll destroy us all..."
That's a lie. The light coalesced around me, becoming solid once again. A bar of solid light connected me to the AT Field the two had spread. The usual orange and red flares had appeared, lurid and fiery against the whiteness. I could see the two of them battling to uphold the field, but they seemed to be losing. The flares died shortly thereafter, accompanied by a sound like glass shattering. Fragile like glass... The breakdown of the AT Field had flung Rei and Kaworu against the wall. Meanwhile, the light had bored a hole in Heaven's Door, large enough for me to enter easily. Rei had stopped moving, but Kaworu yet struggled to rise.
"Asuka... Please... You can't... do this..." he implored me. Why? You're not a human, so you'll be destroyed when we are united? I did not say anything to him, however. He does not want to die?
"No... Asuka... No... It's not that..."
How does he know what I'm thinking? Another person knowing my thoughts was most unsettling. It was also a fine excuse for proceeding onward. I turned and walked through the hole in the portal, noticing that the metal itself had been vaporized. How exactly did I do that? Oh well... Such details did not hold my interest, at the moment. The chamber within was by far the largest artificial enclosure I had ever seen. A massive white figure, wearing a purple mask of seven eyes, was crucified on a white cross above a sea of LCL. The figure seemed to call to me; it begged me to come. I did not resist. Momma...
Not fully knowing how I did so, I floated upwards until I was at eye-level with the being on the cross. "I'm home... Momma... I've missed you so... I've been through so much... Life has been so... difficult... without you..." The figure gave no response, audible or mental. Nervous, I looked behind me, down to the hole in Heaven's Door. Nagisa Kaworu and Ayanami Rei had weakly crawled through, both obviously in pain. Rei's fine, blue hair was matted with blood, but she still carried on. Each of them bore a look of absolute horror... towards me... Why does everyone... hate me...
I returned to the face before me. "They made me an Angel... Momma... But... I'm still... myself... Aren't you... proud of me?"
'Welcome... Home...' The voice was quiet, even in my head. Something... isn't... right...
My face contorted in pain as an unseen hand clawed into my abdomen, reaching... searching... for something... Icy fingers closed around a part of my being; it felt as if my soul itself was being pulled apart. Slowly, a blue orb was wrenched from my stomach. An S2-Type organ? Blue? The said orb drifted lazily towards Lilith's chest. As it came into contact, it was absorbed directly into her. No longer held aloft by my core, I began to fall towards the LCL below. I spun slowly as I fell, watching in profound terror the scene behind me. Kaworu-kun... was being... assaulted by an ephemeral Shinji... Touched by the... ghost... he exploded, a cross-flare marking his passing. Rei was similarly met by a shadow-Gendou. She melted into a pool of LCL as the demon made touched her. I continued to fall, spinning further until I could see beneath me. A reflection of my mother stood up to catch me... When I fell into her arms... There was the splash of LCL, and then...
My body ceased to exist. I was united with all life on Earth; all was one. And... everything for which Soryu Asuka Langley was looked up to and admired for was gone. There was nothing to separate... or distinguish... me from everyone else. And... I'm still... alone... For all eternity...
*---------------------------*
"It's all right, Asuka... It was only a dream..." Asuka felt a light touch on her shoulder, jarring her awake. Reality held some surprises for her. For one, she was lying on the floor in the semi-darkened kitchen. Secondly, one Ikari Shinji was trying to comfort her.
"Shinji-kun..." Asuka murmured dazedly.
"I... heard you scream, and so I..." Shinji tried to explain. Asuka slowly lay back down on the floor. She laid face down, her head on her arms crossed in front of her.
"Do you... know... what... I did..." Asuka asked softly. Shinji shook his head. Obviously, he would have no idea. That was of little consequence to Asuka, however.
"I killed Commander Ikari. I tried to kill Kaworu. I tried to kill Rei," Asuka placed no emphasis on any of the names. Her voice had an empty, hollow sound to it. "I probably tried to kill you... Or I might as well. Worst of all... I... caused... the Third Impact..." Asuka choked more on the last than anything else. "Doing so... I killed everyone... everyone on Earth..."
Shinji was deeply troubled by this. "It wasn't real, Asuka... It was a dream."
"That doesn't matter... The decisions were mine," she replied quietly.
"No, Asuka... You can't cause the Impact... It's not possible..." Shinji responded assuringly. For a long time, Asuka lay unmoving. She began to cry to herself, evidenced only by the change in her breathing. No massive sobs raked through her body... Collecting herself, Asuka raised her head to look for something on the floor. In the near-darkness, it was a black, shiny piece of plastic. She pointed weakly towards the fallen transparency. Shinji, not knowing what to expect, walked over and picked it up. He held the X-Ray up to the night-light in the kitchen.
No...
Seconds later, Shinji dropped it to the ground again.
No...
"Somehow... the Commander... made another Angel -- me... Don't you hate Angels, Shinji-kun? All they cause is pain..."
"Asuka..." Shinji started, "It's all-right... I don't hate Kaworu-kun, and I don't hate Rei. But... I don't believe it's possible to make someone into an Angel... You'll always be Soryu Asuka Langley..."
"I've got an Angel's core, Shinji-kun... It's blue, for some reason... Doctor Akagi..." Asuka paused to add an expression of scorn. "She put the core in me today during the tests... Except that there were no tests. That was the only reason they called me down there. They ruined my weekend... They destroyed my life... I'll never be normal now."
"Ritsuko would not do that on her own," Shinji stated with some measure of confidence. "It was... the Commander. Father... I can't believe you did this..." He was silent, thinking on what would possess someone to commit such an atrocity. After some thought, Shinji asked, "Are you sure it... works, Asuka?"
"I used the AT Field well enough..." she responded hesitantly.
"That was a dream, Asuka! Even if my father did put an Angel core in you somehow, you're no Angel!" Shinji said defiantly. He noticed that a dim glow had formed around Asuka. Whereas Rei's nimbus had been a pure-looking white-blue, this was... tarnished. Asuka had a sullen, yellowish, flickering light.
"What... is this..." Asuka wondered aloud. "I'm... flawed?" She paused, recalling the Commander's last words in her dream. "A red pattern..."
"Huh?" Shinji was confused.
"Just something the Commander said to me... before I killed him..."
Strangely, talk of his father being killed, even in a dream, did not bother Shinji at all. Should it? "If that's true... The red pattern is the same as an Eva's. You're not an Angel, Asuka..." he trailed off. Accepting as fact what was revealed to Asuka in a morbid dream was not particularly comforting.
"Wait, Shinji-kun..." Asuka suddenly rose, leaving his brain in a slightly addled state. Oddly enough, the glow around her gained in strength and constancy. It was not quite so erratic as it had been. She walked quickly to the bathroom, flipped on the light, but did not close the door. Shinji had turned away respectively, even so. Asuka stared at herself in the mirror for a moment. Her own blue eyes stared back at her. Not red Angel eyes... And her hair was still a vibrant, ruddy hue.
"You are not an Angel, regardless of what Commander Ikari has done to you."
Asuka whirled around suddenly, caught by surprise. Nagisa Kaworu stood just beyond the doorway. Due to the brightness of the bathroom and the darkness of the kitchen, she could see no-one else. Sighing, Asuka flipped the bathroom light off again. The mirror reflected the yellowish tint surrounding her, casting deformed shadows about the area. Shortly after Asuka's eyes had adjusted to the night, the still-shy figure of Ayanami Rei emerged from behind Kaworu. When Asuka entered the kitchen again, she noticed Shinji standing nearby, visibly disturbed by his companions' extraordinary arrival. What she did next shocked them all. Asuka headed out of the bathroom, taking slow, deliberate steps. Walking past Kaworu, she rapidly spun to face Rei... Asuka extended her hand to Rei, and waited. Rei bore a look of intense uncertainty before eventually giving Asuka her hand. The two shared a handshake, the first gesture of civility to pass between them.
"I suppose... I can't hate you any longer..." Asuka told her, though loud enough to be heard by everyone. Crimson eyes seemed to bore into her own, seeing through the pale veneer and directly into her soul... After a moment, she released Rei. Asuka turned to Kaworu and repeated the gesture, saying nothing to him.
"Please understand, Asuka... Being an Angel is not something of which I am proud. You are human and shall remain so, if so you choose." Kaworu stopped, considering what to say next. "Even I cannot live solely for myself. That is the downfall of the Angels." Taking a blushing Rei's hand in his, Kaworu said, "I live for you all. And I hope... that we may never forget that we exist as individuals. If you cease to be your own person, you no longer live."
Asuka nodded slowly in agreement, her staring eyes not betraying the turmoil she felt within. For some reason, she looked back to Kaworu. Asuka received a smile of encouragement from him. Mustering her courage, she faced Ikari Shinji, who was standing a short distance away from the others. Asuka proceeded towards him hesitantly, every molecule of her latter self demanding that she desist from this course of action.
I am my own person.
Kaworu turned his head slightly to speak to Rei, whose hand he had not released. "It is odd..." he whispered, "that he, Shinji-kun, stands the farthest apart. He is yet alone..." Kaworu returned his gaze to the scene before him. Rei remained silent.
After a final moment of indecisiveness, Asuka reached out the Shinji, closed her eyes, and waited. She was surprised when Shinji took hold of her hand firmly almost immediately. Asuka found a pair of dark eyes fixed on her... Expecting nothing of her... Only... concerned...
"I..." Asuka began, only to discover that a part of her was still holding back. She was angered at this prospect. The light around her body grew bright, losing the sullen taint it had earlier possessed. It was not white, but it was close. "I'm... sorry... Shinji-kun..."
"It is all-right, Asuka," Shinji responded.
"No... It isn't..." she insisted. "The Third Impact... United as one, I was nothing; you were nothing. It is not being of one mind with a single goal; there is no goal. There is no expression... no hate, no love, no sentience. Communication is impossible, and useless even if it were not so. There is nothing to say..." Asuka had run out of words. "I'm... sorry, Shinji-kun."
Fortunately, Kaworu picked up for her. "Unfettered by the bonds of mortal, or even immortal, consciousness, there is no reason to exist. It is the same as oblivion. If nothing is between us, there is no difference between every human. The entirety of your existence cannot be the same for everyone. The views which we have of each other, and of ourselves... They are what make us who we are. If it is all the same... We are not ourselves. There is no Ayanami Rei, no Soryu Asuka Langley, no Ikari Shinji... and no Nagisa Kaworu. For there is nothing to distinguish among them."
Asuka found herself still gripping the hand of Ikari Shinji through Kaworu's monologue.
"Long live the AT Field," Kaworu intoned.
They had not noticed the room gradually increasing in brightness. Not the sun; night was still well upon them. The brightness was from Asuka, Rei, and Kaworu. Abruptly, a phone rang, causing Misato to fall down in surprise from where she had been standing near the entrance of her own room. Hearing the phone, and the almost simultaneous crash, the light surrounding Asuka blinked out. Misato picked herself up and walked calmly to the phone.
"Katsuragi-sansa!" Maya's voice screamed over the receiver. "A massive blue pattern, interlaced with a red pattern nearly as big, has been detected IN your apartment! What's going on?!"
Misato did not answer at first, considering how best to put this. "There is no problem... Oh... tell Ritsuko... her procedure was a success." Misato motioned to Kaworu and Rei; the light in the room quickly died. "Better?"
"The patterns are... gone..." Maya mumbled. "I understand, Major Katsuragi..." He hung up without another word.
Misato replaced the telephone after staring hatefully at it for a short time.
"What more... What more will you take from us..."
She leaned against the wall in the darkness, torn between rage and despair. Misato heard the footsteps of someone nearing her. She looked up, and saw Asuka standing near her. Asuka was not surrounded by a pale yellow glow, she was just... Asuka.
"I didn't tell you... immediately... when I found out... what they had done to you... Asuka. I'm sorry... I had hoped you would find the envelope and discover for yourself, but... I didn't know it would make you faint... and suffer through those... visions..." Misato could not look Asuka in the eye.
"It's not your fault... Misato-san..." Asuka consoled her.
"NO! There is... must be... something that can be done!! Something... to... stop... this... madness..." Evidently, rage had won the struggle inside Misato. "Madness... They..." she hissed, "They... want... to kill... murder... everyone! Who?! Who is?!... responsible?!... for this?!"
Misato stopped, feeling that someone had touched her arm. "Shinji-kun... Why..." Misato hung her head numbly, losing the battle within herself. She was vaguely aware that her face was suddenly wet from tears running down it.
"Who is... my enemy?" she asked. "Not the Angels... Not any longer... The best people I know... except for you, Shinji-kun... are Angels..." Misato managed a weak smile to Kaworu and Rei. "Apparently... they must all want to be Angels... Asuka..."
"I am not an Angel, Misato-san," Asuka replied.
"...Asuka... I know... But..."
"There is nothing to apologize for, Misato-san. I will... live... I will not be the Commander's doll."
Misato finally seemed to understand, at least to some extent. She nodded, smiling weakly to the four around her. Kaworu returned the expression, then started to fade from view.
"Wait!" Asuka shouted. "What... now?"
Kaworu disappeared. "Live. The choice is yours, now, just as it has always been."
After he had gone, Rei said, "Have you ever been sick, Asuka?"
"Of course... Why?"
"I haven't." Rei managed a small smile before she, too, faded.
Shinji and Asuka were left standing alone for a moment, both comtemplating the turn of events. Presently, they were both wrapped up in another one of Misato's group hugs. The closeness of the embrace was something neither of them thought they would welcome, not with each other and not with Misato.
"Misato-san?" Asuka ventured timidly, not wanting to disturb her companions, but still curious as to something she would likely never know. Not any more...
"Hmmm?"
"What's it like to be normal?"
At this, Misato began to cry again. "I... don't know... I really don't know... All I've had for... fifteen years... Strange, to say that. 'Fifteen years'. Life was... normal... before the Second Impact... It feels as though nothing is the same; as if an eternity has passed and nothing... will return... to how things were..." Misato paused, recalling what she had started to say earlier before digressing to this tangent. "All I've had for fifteen years... is Project E... I've loathed the Angels for what they took from me... My life ended in the Second Impact... I was sure that the only worthy pursuit was... killing the Angels... But now... So much has changed... again... Honestly... 'Normal' is an impossibility... We all have our struggles, and life is unique for everyone. The word exists only to torment us, ever lying just beyond our grasp. But... I no longer know what to believe in..." Misato trailed off. Thinking, she released Asuka and Shinji.
Misato looked at the two, still standing peacefully together. Pride filled her, just for a moment. "It's almost like we're a... family..." she commented. In return for her remark, Misato received two baffled stares. Now deflated, she sighed and returned to her room, collapsing weakly on her futon. Misato was asleep in moments.
Asuka and Shinji gazed into each other's eyes a while longer, until Shinji realized that he was suddenly exhausted. He yawned, and padded silently to his own bed. Asuka remained standing, unsure and more than a little afraid. 2:30AM, the kitchen clock read. Then why don't I feel tired? She decided that it would likely be safe to sleep on the couch tonight. Asuka entered the darkened living room and laid down. Rest did not come quickly.
{More to come!}
The Kaworu Chronicles
Part 4: Human, or Don't Be
Massive Re-Write Edition
Asuka was up early the next morning, the rising sun forcing her to awaken far earlier than would have been her preference.
*---------------------------*
I sat up apruptly, disoriented and confused. The room was still a dusky gray; the sun was not high enough to provide any useful illumination. It was, however, at just the right angle to shine into my window. Through the window, the light reflected powerfully off something lying on the bed. It appeared as a shiny, black, rectangular wet spot. No... It's not wet... It's... a transparency print...
Seeing the print sitting on my bed brought recollection, at least partially. Last night... I couldn't sleep... So I wandered aimlessly into the kitchen; perhaps Misato was still awake drinking or something. She wasn't. Bored but not tired, I had discovered the envelope she was carrying on the NERV elevator yesterday. I had thought nothing of it, then. Now... What is it? I must have fainted... That means... Someone carried me in here and put me to bed. Probably... Shinji... That pervert... I don't even want to know... Maybe he tried to kiss me in my sleep... again...
I clenched my fist in anger at the possibility that I had been taken advantage of. I looked down to my hands, imagining them colliding forcefully with Shinji's face. Shinji's... or... whoever... Well, perhaps not if Misato had carried me in to my room. This tangent of thought was interrupted by a sudden realization. My arm was glowing a pale white.
I very nearly screamed. Somehow, I managed to bring clamp my other hand over my mouth. It would not do to humiliate myself twice in so short a time. The others... would scorn me for my weakness, if I screamed. I can't let that happen.
I remained sitting with my left hand over my mouth, staring at my right arm in horror, until the sun had risen high enough that it no longer shown through the window so brightly. My right arm was normal-looking again... If it was glowing, that had only lasted a second. After deciding that I was indeed safe, and sane, I picked up the transparency, which had lain undisturbed throughout the whole episode. Raising it to the light, I observed the outline of... myself. I could see my bones clearly, and a silhouette of my body. But the most striking feature of the print was a pure, white sphere in the center of my being. That's certainly not normal... Just what is it? There was no fine print hidden somewhere to give a towards the meaning of this...
Left to my own devices, I began theorizing on what I knew of that was so perfectly round and similarly sized. Few objects fit such a description... Except for a... baseball... I can think of nothing... My thoughts returned to my right arm. A likely revelation struck me forcefully at this. An Angel Core... That which allows the Angels to manipulate the AT Field such as they do. Angels like... Nagisa Kaworu and Ayanami Rei...
No... Not that... Somehow, the Commander did... this... to me... I didn't even know I valued being a human... Why? Why me?!
I knew the answer, however... I was the easiest target. At one point... I would have thought that the Commander would value his own son's humanity more than to take it away. Perhaps he still does... I do know that relations are tense between the Ikaris... So... He chose me... for the experiment... yesterday... in the Entry Plug. That is the only explanation.
But... Is there something I don't know? Am I an Angel? It disgusts my... very... core... How ironic... It disgusts... me... that I am asking such a question. I tried to remember all of Rei and Kaworu's strange behaviors. Try as I might, I could not make myself feel hungry... or tired... or in pain... I held my breathe, to see if anything would happen. Five minutes later, and I was not even uncomfortable... Rarely a good sign. Sighing, I gave up and returned to automatic, normal breathing. So far, I've managed to do everything that I think they can do, and we humans can't... 'We humans'? Can I even refer to humanity as a 'we' any longer? Damn...
I sat upright in bed, completely motionless, thinking over my current status. It must have been around an hour before I heard a voice calling to me from outside the room.
"Asuka! Let's go! You're going to be late!" Misato yelled loudly.
"Late for what?!" I demanded nastily. I certainly wasn't going back to NERV today for more... experimentation...
"School!"
Huh?
"The government assigned us a temporary location to use. It's a bit out of the way, but you will be able to see Hikari and your friends, at least..." Misato tried to convince me.
Nothing like last-minute decisions... Grumbling, I pulled on my much-hated uniform. Perhaps Rei was content to dress like this every day, but wearing the same clothing as everyone else was loathesome to me. I buttoned up the teal jumper and walked over to my dresser. As always, the red neural amplifiers were resting on top of it, waiting for me to put them on, the same as every day. I had made a point of putting them on even when there were no tests scheduled. They were a constant reminder to me, as if I could forget, of why I was here. I'm an Eva pilot... Or at least I was... Now... I don't know what I am...
I left the neural amplifiers where they lay and headed for the door. Exiting, I observed Shinji standing over the toaster, patiently waiting for the bread to pop out.
"Good morning, Asuka..." he said nervously. "I made some toast for you... I don't know if you want it, but..."
Did everyone know about... the experiment... but me?
"Thanks, Shinji-kun..." I responded after a long pause. Shinji looked relieved when I sat down to eat it. Ever the polite host, he had even poured a glass of orange juice. I should have felt pleased... that someone still cared about me... But... it made me... saddened. Despairing... Most of all... empty. Empty and alone.
I picked up the piece of toast he had prepared for me and took a bite, even though I had no inclination to do so. It had an ashen taste about it... I glanced at the toast. It was not burned... Then why does it taste like I am eating charcoal? I set the toast down despondently. Why...
I noticed Shinji's saddened appearance.
"I......" I tried to speak. I... can't say... anything...
I tried to drink some of the orange juice he had poured. I moved too quickly... the glass fell off the table and shattered. Shinji rushed to get a towel and clean up the mess. I stared orange-yellow fluid spreading across the floor. Yellow... like LCL... My eyes were filled with water. A single tear ran down my face. I covered my face with my hands, temporarily unable to go on. More than that, I could not let anyone see me crying...
At that moment, there was a knock at the front door. Shinji had finished wiping up the orange juice and hurried to answer it. He opened the door, admitting Kaworu and Rei. They must have seen me sitting pathetically at the table, an uneaten piece of toast before me, for when I looked up, they were standing next to me. Kaworu wore his ever-present smile, trying to calm my fears... Or something... I gave the two of them a deploring look.
"I... can't... " I stammered. I don't know if either of them understood, but I felt a hand on my shoulder. Kaworu's. He was trying to comfort me... Why? He's no better than I am, and possibly worse...
"You can't give up, Asuka," Rei said to me. That did it. I couldn't stand Wonder-Girl feeling sorry for me. I stood up, furious. I heard the chair fall to the ground, but I was only half-aware of it. I took a swing at Rei. I was further enraged when Kaworu stopped my hand. He gave me a pleading look, but said nothing. I returned the favor by shooting him a glance that would have frozen his blood. If, I suppose, he'd had a normal heart instead of some Angel core.
Misato drove us all to school today, seeing as it was impossible for us to walk the long distance towards this new, remote location. I sat in the front seat, feeling deflated after the episode at breakfast. The feeling of emptiness and isolation had returned... When we arrived at school, there was to be no improvement. The building was old, and had apparently been in a state of disuse for some time. Loneliness pervaded the place. Less than half of the students had been able to come. Even Aida and Suzuhara were absent... Somehow, the same old man who had always taught us managed to be there. You'd think that an old man, such as he, would have had the good graces to get himself killed in one of the Angel attacks, or failing those, in the Unit 00 self-destruction. I suppose that's what you get for paying attention to the safety recommendations...
Sensei introduced Nagisa Kaworu to the class before we began the usual routine of the day. When writing his name on the improvised markerboard as per standard practice, he received strange looks from almost everyone. There were so many questions. Why come here after the Angel attacks have gone on for so long? Why is he so similar-looking to Ayanami Rei? Though he must have heard the students talking amongst themselves about him, Kaworu was still friendly to those who had the courage to talk to him. The morning passed, as typical, with practically no-one actually listening to the teacher.
Hikari sat next to me, concerned about my well-being. She asked me why I had not worn the amplifiers. I didn't know. I tried to think of a reason, but I could not. So, I simply said nothing. This caused Hikari to be even more worried about me. "I'm fine..." I assured her. I hope the look on my face didn't give away the lie. Speaking those words made me think of just how pathetic I had become. I never lie... And especially not to Hikari. Even Kaworu never lies... I fell into a bottomless pool of self-pity, only finding the waters to be tainted by an equally strong self-loathing.
By noon, most of the students had found some question to ask Kaworu, or had overcome their fears that he, having the same red eyes and pale skin as Rei, would be cold, uncaring, and generally silent. They had discovered that quite the opposite was true. So, there was a comparatively large crowd around his desk. Everyone was talking at once, making quite the impressive amount of racket. I had been the center of such attention, once... Now... I'm... not even... a spectator...
Rei sat quietly, her assigned seat being next to Kaworu's, eating the lunch she must have packed before coming to our apartment this morning. She did not appear to be angered at me for attempting to strike her... Still, who knew what Ayanami Rei thought, anyway? Actually, Nagisa Kaworu does... If there were ever two... Angels... better suited for each other, I've not seen them. Realizing the closeness those two seem to share made me all the more aware of my own isolation. I'm alone...
"Kaworu," I said to him. Apparently, he was too far away, or the noise was too intense, for him to hear me. I waited a moment before trying again. "Kaworu." I had put marginally more energy into my voice this time, but it still failed to reach him.
"Tabris," I whispered. He turned his head to me, obviously startled. I stopped, knowing that I could not speak my mind. I wanted...... I wanted someone to tell me that everything was going to be all-right. Kaworu has a habit of making people believe that. He can... restore others' confidence in themselves, somehow. I don't exactly understand what it is about him. But... He has a way with words...
"Asuka..." I heard Shinji say. "I brought you some lunch. I know... you had a difficult time... this morning... but... I brought your lunch..." I can feel a sense of meaning well from him, but... It only deepens my sadness. I turned to face him... I hope there was a look of thankfulness, gratitude, or... anything... in my eyes, but I think they were filled with unshed tears again. No, Shinji-kun; it's not your fault. Don't leave me... Why can't I tell him that?
Shinji sat down next to me, calmly eating his own lunch. Odd... Something so simple as eating, or even wanting to eat, is suddenly foreign to me. I managed to consume most of my sandwich, however. For whose benefit I had done that, I am not quite sure. Probably for Shinji-kun...
Before I knew it, we were all in our rightful seats again, preparing for a long and doubtlessly soporific lecture. Sensei began by telling us how much better off we were, even with the endless Angel attacks, than he had been in the Second Impact. After he had imposed a profound lack of self-worth on us, the man launched into his favorite tangent: the Second Impact itself. He seemed to be strangely excited to telling us this again. I found myself staring at the desk I was seated in, it being far more interesting than the lecture ahead of me.
I was surprised the first time when I realized that I could see through my arm to the wood beneath it. At times, I became more transparent, then more solid again. The less I wanted to be here, the easier it was to look through myself. I had concentrated on this for some time before wondering if anyone else had taken notice. Glancing around, it was obvious that Kaworu, Rei, Shinji, and around half the small class had. The students were staring at me with a mixture of shock, disbelief, and fear. Rei and Kaworu had a worried look. Odd, to see worry on the face of Ayanami Rei. The teacher was still in a world of his own. A bright glow enveloped me, somehow more comforting than any of the kind gestures I had received earlier. I vanished, leaving a very surprised class, two very worried Angels, and Ikari Shinji-kun behind. Shinji-kun...
If I had stayed any longer, I would have seen Shinji-kun lying his head on his desk, sobbing uncontrollably. "Asuka... Don't go..." he had said.
I found myself staring at the armored, crimson figure of Unit 02. I was standing in its gantry, observing the tech. crews making repairs to it. The wounds it had suffered from when Kaworu-kun had taken it to Terminal Dogma were mostly healed and fixed... At this time, one of the technicians had noticed me. A glowing, red-haired girl, who had appeared out of nowhere. He started shouting to his comrades, one of which called security. Moments later, the technicians had ran away as fast as they could, and several black-suited intelligence agents were running into the gantry. I think they had told me to freeze. I didn't move, but I didn't respond either. I heard the gunfire echoing through the massive enclosure as they fired repeatedly on me. Their shots ricocheted harmlessly off... an AT Field. Commander Ikari... Why have you done this to me...
'No... I am Soryu Asuka Langley, the Second Child and the pilot of Eva Unit 02. I'm not... some Angel... You're shooting the wrong guy...' I wanted to tell them. But I knew they would not listen. A white halo of light surrounded me again, before I disappeared.
When I opened my eyes, I was a dimly lit room. It was very large, dominated by a comparatively massive desk in the center. A massive desk with a dark figure sitting behind it. I don't know which of us was the more surprised to see the other. For the first time, I saw shock on Ikari Gendou's face. Actually, that was the first emotion I had ever seen on the man's face. Even Rei was not so cold...
"Why..." I asked him softly. Ikari gave no immediate response. "Why did you do this..." Much to my frustration, he still gave no answer. "Why won't you tell me?!"
"Our goals," the Commander replied at length. Was he feeling threatened? "All will be one. All of Lilith's children must eventually return to her..." I don't understand. "You are powerful enough, Soryu. You can do it... You can go to Lilith; you can reunite humanity." For some reason, I doubt this is entirely the case. But... It's so... attractive. "You can be with your mother again, Soryu. You don't have to be alone forever..." Momma. I can see you again? I don't want to be alone... But... I don't believe you... Ikari...
"You're lying..." I hissed. "It's... never that easy..." The dimness of the room was banished by a rapidly growing field of white light around me.
"No..." Ikari whispered. "A... A red pattern... That wasn't... one of our possible scenarios..." He was silenced as the light gathered around him, seeming to take physical form. Seconds later, an explosion of wet, red stains marred the carpet and desk. Ikari Gendou was gone.
You... bastard...
Now... I'm torn between wanting to believe what Ikari told me and an equally strong desire not to comply simply because it was his command. He who took away... me... I must not... obey...
'Asuka...'
Huh? Voices in my head?
'Come to your mother, Asuka...'
Momma? Where are you?
'Deep within the earth...' the voice called to me. Terminal Dogma.
With a thought, I was standing before immense Heaven's Door. A portal large enough for an Eva to walk through comfortably. Only one man had the authorization to pass through its wards, and I had just killed that man. But somehow, I will enter. The door is guarded by... a key-card reader... and... Nagisa Kaworu and Ayanami Rei. The two stood together, grasping each other's hands, as if for support. They were both surrounded by a brilliant white nimbus. I gradually became aware of a... network... between them. A web of blue hexagons, each so small that it was impossible to see them individually unaided. I could not sense where Kaworu ended and Rei began... The patterns were interlaced completely, seamlessly. I was still covered with my own quickly brightening halo, wondering how to reach Momma.
"Asuka..." Rei started to say. "You'll destroy us all..."
That's a lie. The light coalesced around me, becoming solid once again. A bar of solid light connected me to the AT Field the two had spread. The usual orange and red flares had appeared, lurid and fiery against the whiteness. I could see the two of them battling to uphold the field, but they seemed to be losing. The flares died shortly thereafter, accompanied by a sound like glass shattering. Fragile like glass... The breakdown of the AT Field had flung Rei and Kaworu against the wall. Meanwhile, the light had bored a hole in Heaven's Door, large enough for me to enter easily. Rei had stopped moving, but Kaworu yet struggled to rise.
"Asuka... Please... You can't... do this..." he implored me. Why? You're not a human, so you'll be destroyed when we are united? I did not say anything to him, however. He does not want to die?
"No... Asuka... No... It's not that..."
How does he know what I'm thinking? Another person knowing my thoughts was most unsettling. It was also a fine excuse for proceeding onward. I turned and walked through the hole in the portal, noticing that the metal itself had been vaporized. How exactly did I do that? Oh well... Such details did not hold my interest, at the moment. The chamber within was by far the largest artificial enclosure I had ever seen. A massive white figure, wearing a purple mask of seven eyes, was crucified on a white cross above a sea of LCL. The figure seemed to call to me; it begged me to come. I did not resist. Momma...
Not fully knowing how I did so, I floated upwards until I was at eye-level with the being on the cross. "I'm home... Momma... I've missed you so... I've been through so much... Life has been so... difficult... without you..." The figure gave no response, audible or mental. Nervous, I looked behind me, down to the hole in Heaven's Door. Nagisa Kaworu and Ayanami Rei had weakly crawled through, both obviously in pain. Rei's fine, blue hair was matted with blood, but she still carried on. Each of them bore a look of absolute horror... towards me... Why does everyone... hate me...
I returned to the face before me. "They made me an Angel... Momma... But... I'm still... myself... Aren't you... proud of me?"
'Welcome... Home...' The voice was quiet, even in my head. Something... isn't... right...
My face contorted in pain as an unseen hand clawed into my abdomen, reaching... searching... for something... Icy fingers closed around a part of my being; it felt as if my soul itself was being pulled apart. Slowly, a blue orb was wrenched from my stomach. An S2-Type organ? Blue? The said orb drifted lazily towards Lilith's chest. As it came into contact, it was absorbed directly into her. No longer held aloft by my core, I began to fall towards the LCL below. I spun slowly as I fell, watching in profound terror the scene behind me. Kaworu-kun... was being... assaulted by an ephemeral Shinji... Touched by the... ghost... he exploded, a cross-flare marking his passing. Rei was similarly met by a shadow-Gendou. She melted into a pool of LCL as the demon made touched her. I continued to fall, spinning further until I could see beneath me. A reflection of my mother stood up to catch me... When I fell into her arms... There was the splash of LCL, and then...
My body ceased to exist. I was united with all life on Earth; all was one. And... everything for which Soryu Asuka Langley was looked up to and admired for was gone. There was nothing to separate... or distinguish... me from everyone else. And... I'm still... alone... For all eternity...
*---------------------------*
"It's all right, Asuka... It was only a dream..." Asuka felt a light touch on her shoulder, jarring her awake. Reality held some surprises for her. For one, she was lying on the floor in the semi-darkened kitchen. Secondly, one Ikari Shinji was trying to comfort her.
"Shinji-kun..." Asuka murmured dazedly.
"I... heard you scream, and so I..." Shinji tried to explain. Asuka slowly lay back down on the floor. She laid face down, her head on her arms crossed in front of her.
"Do you... know... what... I did..." Asuka asked softly. Shinji shook his head. Obviously, he would have no idea. That was of little consequence to Asuka, however.
"I killed Commander Ikari. I tried to kill Kaworu. I tried to kill Rei," Asuka placed no emphasis on any of the names. Her voice had an empty, hollow sound to it. "I probably tried to kill you... Or I might as well. Worst of all... I... caused... the Third Impact..." Asuka choked more on the last than anything else. "Doing so... I killed everyone... everyone on Earth..."
Shinji was deeply troubled by this. "It wasn't real, Asuka... It was a dream."
"That doesn't matter... The decisions were mine," she replied quietly.
"No, Asuka... You can't cause the Impact... It's not possible..." Shinji responded assuringly. For a long time, Asuka lay unmoving. She began to cry to herself, evidenced only by the change in her breathing. No massive sobs raked through her body... Collecting herself, Asuka raised her head to look for something on the floor. In the near-darkness, it was a black, shiny piece of plastic. She pointed weakly towards the fallen transparency. Shinji, not knowing what to expect, walked over and picked it up. He held the X-Ray up to the night-light in the kitchen.
No...
Seconds later, Shinji dropped it to the ground again.
No...
"Somehow... the Commander... made another Angel -- me... Don't you hate Angels, Shinji-kun? All they cause is pain..."
"Asuka..." Shinji started, "It's all-right... I don't hate Kaworu-kun, and I don't hate Rei. But... I don't believe it's possible to make someone into an Angel... You'll always be Soryu Asuka Langley..."
"I've got an Angel's core, Shinji-kun... It's blue, for some reason... Doctor Akagi..." Asuka paused to add an expression of scorn. "She put the core in me today during the tests... Except that there were no tests. That was the only reason they called me down there. They ruined my weekend... They destroyed my life... I'll never be normal now."
"Ritsuko would not do that on her own," Shinji stated with some measure of confidence. "It was... the Commander. Father... I can't believe you did this..." He was silent, thinking on what would possess someone to commit such an atrocity. After some thought, Shinji asked, "Are you sure it... works, Asuka?"
"I used the AT Field well enough..." she responded hesitantly.
"That was a dream, Asuka! Even if my father did put an Angel core in you somehow, you're no Angel!" Shinji said defiantly. He noticed that a dim glow had formed around Asuka. Whereas Rei's nimbus had been a pure-looking white-blue, this was... tarnished. Asuka had a sullen, yellowish, flickering light.
"What... is this..." Asuka wondered aloud. "I'm... flawed?" She paused, recalling the Commander's last words in her dream. "A red pattern..."
"Huh?" Shinji was confused.
"Just something the Commander said to me... before I killed him..."
Strangely, talk of his father being killed, even in a dream, did not bother Shinji at all. Should it? "If that's true... The red pattern is the same as an Eva's. You're not an Angel, Asuka..." he trailed off. Accepting as fact what was revealed to Asuka in a morbid dream was not particularly comforting.
"Wait, Shinji-kun..." Asuka suddenly rose, leaving his brain in a slightly addled state. Oddly enough, the glow around her gained in strength and constancy. It was not quite so erratic as it had been. She walked quickly to the bathroom, flipped on the light, but did not close the door. Shinji had turned away respectively, even so. Asuka stared at herself in the mirror for a moment. Her own blue eyes stared back at her. Not red Angel eyes... And her hair was still a vibrant, ruddy hue.
"You are not an Angel, regardless of what Commander Ikari has done to you."
Asuka whirled around suddenly, caught by surprise. Nagisa Kaworu stood just beyond the doorway. Due to the brightness of the bathroom and the darkness of the kitchen, she could see no-one else. Sighing, Asuka flipped the bathroom light off again. The mirror reflected the yellowish tint surrounding her, casting deformed shadows about the area. Shortly after Asuka's eyes had adjusted to the night, the still-shy figure of Ayanami Rei emerged from behind Kaworu. When Asuka entered the kitchen again, she noticed Shinji standing nearby, visibly disturbed by his companions' extraordinary arrival. What she did next shocked them all. Asuka headed out of the bathroom, taking slow, deliberate steps. Walking past Kaworu, she rapidly spun to face Rei... Asuka extended her hand to Rei, and waited. Rei bore a look of intense uncertainty before eventually giving Asuka her hand. The two shared a handshake, the first gesture of civility to pass between them.
"I suppose... I can't hate you any longer..." Asuka told her, though loud enough to be heard by everyone. Crimson eyes seemed to bore into her own, seeing through the pale veneer and directly into her soul... After a moment, she released Rei. Asuka turned to Kaworu and repeated the gesture, saying nothing to him.
"Please understand, Asuka... Being an Angel is not something of which I am proud. You are human and shall remain so, if so you choose." Kaworu stopped, considering what to say next. "Even I cannot live solely for myself. That is the downfall of the Angels." Taking a blushing Rei's hand in his, Kaworu said, "I live for you all. And I hope... that we may never forget that we exist as individuals. If you cease to be your own person, you no longer live."
Asuka nodded slowly in agreement, her staring eyes not betraying the turmoil she felt within. For some reason, she looked back to Kaworu. Asuka received a smile of encouragement from him. Mustering her courage, she faced Ikari Shinji, who was standing a short distance away from the others. Asuka proceeded towards him hesitantly, every molecule of her latter self demanding that she desist from this course of action.
I am my own person.
Kaworu turned his head slightly to speak to Rei, whose hand he had not released. "It is odd..." he whispered, "that he, Shinji-kun, stands the farthest apart. He is yet alone..." Kaworu returned his gaze to the scene before him. Rei remained silent.
After a final moment of indecisiveness, Asuka reached out the Shinji, closed her eyes, and waited. She was surprised when Shinji took hold of her hand firmly almost immediately. Asuka found a pair of dark eyes fixed on her... Expecting nothing of her... Only... concerned...
"I..." Asuka began, only to discover that a part of her was still holding back. She was angered at this prospect. The light around her body grew bright, losing the sullen taint it had earlier possessed. It was not white, but it was close. "I'm... sorry... Shinji-kun..."
"It is all-right, Asuka," Shinji responded.
"No... It isn't..." she insisted. "The Third Impact... United as one, I was nothing; you were nothing. It is not being of one mind with a single goal; there is no goal. There is no expression... no hate, no love, no sentience. Communication is impossible, and useless even if it were not so. There is nothing to say..." Asuka had run out of words. "I'm... sorry, Shinji-kun."
Fortunately, Kaworu picked up for her. "Unfettered by the bonds of mortal, or even immortal, consciousness, there is no reason to exist. It is the same as oblivion. If nothing is between us, there is no difference between every human. The entirety of your existence cannot be the same for everyone. The views which we have of each other, and of ourselves... They are what make us who we are. If it is all the same... We are not ourselves. There is no Ayanami Rei, no Soryu Asuka Langley, no Ikari Shinji... and no Nagisa Kaworu. For there is nothing to distinguish among them."
Asuka found herself still gripping the hand of Ikari Shinji through Kaworu's monologue.
"Long live the AT Field," Kaworu intoned.
They had not noticed the room gradually increasing in brightness. Not the sun; night was still well upon them. The brightness was from Asuka, Rei, and Kaworu. Abruptly, a phone rang, causing Misato to fall down in surprise from where she had been standing near the entrance of her own room. Hearing the phone, and the almost simultaneous crash, the light surrounding Asuka blinked out. Misato picked herself up and walked calmly to the phone.
"Katsuragi-sansa!" Maya's voice screamed over the receiver. "A massive blue pattern, interlaced with a red pattern nearly as big, has been detected IN your apartment! What's going on?!"
Misato did not answer at first, considering how best to put this. "There is no problem... Oh... tell Ritsuko... her procedure was a success." Misato motioned to Kaworu and Rei; the light in the room quickly died. "Better?"
"The patterns are... gone..." Maya mumbled. "I understand, Major Katsuragi..." He hung up without another word.
Misato replaced the telephone after staring hatefully at it for a short time.
"What more... What more will you take from us..."
She leaned against the wall in the darkness, torn between rage and despair. Misato heard the footsteps of someone nearing her. She looked up, and saw Asuka standing near her. Asuka was not surrounded by a pale yellow glow, she was just... Asuka.
"I didn't tell you... immediately... when I found out... what they had done to you... Asuka. I'm sorry... I had hoped you would find the envelope and discover for yourself, but... I didn't know it would make you faint... and suffer through those... visions..." Misato could not look Asuka in the eye.
"It's not your fault... Misato-san..." Asuka consoled her.
"NO! There is... must be... something that can be done!! Something... to... stop... this... madness..." Evidently, rage had won the struggle inside Misato. "Madness... They..." she hissed, "They... want... to kill... murder... everyone! Who?! Who is?!... responsible?!... for this?!"
Misato stopped, feeling that someone had touched her arm. "Shinji-kun... Why..." Misato hung her head numbly, losing the battle within herself. She was vaguely aware that her face was suddenly wet from tears running down it.
"Who is... my enemy?" she asked. "Not the Angels... Not any longer... The best people I know... except for you, Shinji-kun... are Angels..." Misato managed a weak smile to Kaworu and Rei. "Apparently... they must all want to be Angels... Asuka..."
"I am not an Angel, Misato-san," Asuka replied.
"...Asuka... I know... But..."
"There is nothing to apologize for, Misato-san. I will... live... I will not be the Commander's doll."
Misato finally seemed to understand, at least to some extent. She nodded, smiling weakly to the four around her. Kaworu returned the expression, then started to fade from view.
"Wait!" Asuka shouted. "What... now?"
Kaworu disappeared. "Live. The choice is yours, now, just as it has always been."
After he had gone, Rei said, "Have you ever been sick, Asuka?"
"Of course... Why?"
"I haven't." Rei managed a small smile before she, too, faded.
Shinji and Asuka were left standing alone for a moment, both comtemplating the turn of events. Presently, they were both wrapped up in another one of Misato's group hugs. The closeness of the embrace was something neither of them thought they would welcome, not with each other and not with Misato.
"Misato-san?" Asuka ventured timidly, not wanting to disturb her companions, but still curious as to something she would likely never know. Not any more...
"Hmmm?"
"What's it like to be normal?"
At this, Misato began to cry again. "I... don't know... I really don't know... All I've had for... fifteen years... Strange, to say that. 'Fifteen years'. Life was... normal... before the Second Impact... It feels as though nothing is the same; as if an eternity has passed and nothing... will return... to how things were..." Misato paused, recalling what she had started to say earlier before digressing to this tangent. "All I've had for fifteen years... is Project E... I've loathed the Angels for what they took from me... My life ended in the Second Impact... I was sure that the only worthy pursuit was... killing the Angels... But now... So much has changed... again... Honestly... 'Normal' is an impossibility... We all have our struggles, and life is unique for everyone. The word exists only to torment us, ever lying just beyond our grasp. But... I no longer know what to believe in..." Misato trailed off. Thinking, she released Asuka and Shinji.
Misato looked at the two, still standing peacefully together. Pride filled her, just for a moment. "It's almost like we're a... family..." she commented. In return for her remark, Misato received two baffled stares. Now deflated, she sighed and returned to her room, collapsing weakly on her futon. Misato was asleep in moments.
Asuka and Shinji gazed into each other's eyes a while longer, until Shinji realized that he was suddenly exhausted. He yawned, and padded silently to his own bed. Asuka remained standing, unsure and more than a little afraid. 2:30AM, the kitchen clock read. Then why don't I feel tired? She decided that it would likely be safe to sleep on the couch tonight. Asuka entered the darkened living room and laid down. Rest did not come quickly.
{More to come!}