The Case of the Butter Knife

I was in my sitting room...sitting. I was also awaiting the arrival of my guests, who would be arriving soon, that is unless they did not arrive. I was hoping that they would arrive, seeing as I was very bored in this huge house, the Scheisse House, which was left to me by a dear friend Sir Howard. It would have been okay but the Scheisse House came with three 'service' people to 'cater' to my needs. The cook, the maid, and the driver all made the house very much bad for me. The cook is angry constantly about nothing and is obsessed with his cat, Mrs. Schnook-ums, the maid is a whore who tries to seduce all of my guests, and my driver acts stereotypically gay and idolizes Christopher Lowell. Just then the maid walked in and announced that my guests had, in fact, chose to arrive.

'Miss Relena...'

"Yeah, what do you want Dick?" God, that bitch was asking for it...

'Why don't you show the guests to the dining room?'

"Why don't you just take them down?" -_-'

'You're the maid... you're supposed to do that for me...'

"What?"

'You're the maid, dammit.'

"Yeah..."

'So just take the damn guests to the damn dining room before I go Medieval on your ass!'

"Whatever, Dick..." Honestly... whatever brains the girl once owned must have been smashed out of her head with a brick. Hn... guess I'll go tend to the damn guests, at least I know Relena won't be able to seduce any of them... hehe... if she only knew they weren't into girls, she wouldn't bother, or maybe she would, she's dumb enough.

-

My four good friends were standing in the doorway as I came to the dining room. Mr. Yuy; deadly assassin, Mr. Barton; circus extraordinaire, Mr. Winner; owner of Earth, and Mr. Merquise, secret agent. Just then I saw a familiar blue hat poking out from behind Mr. Merquise. That damn little Driver Treize... he must have snuck out from the garage again.

'Treize...what are you doing here? You're supposed to stay in your garage.'

"I'm tho thorry, Detective Maxwell, thir... but this oneths tho cute!" Gees, he's groping Mr. Merquise...no!...don't touch his ass... -_-'

'Treize! Go back to the garage! GO!'

"I'm tho thorry, sir... tho cute, tho cute..." -_-' I cannot stand that lisp any longer... hmm...the guests are looking at me strangely, must cover up, must seem manly...*cough*.

'So, how long did you guys have to ride the choo choo?' Oh damn, that was weak.

"Not too long." Mr. Winner said quietly.

'Ergh, let's just skip to dinner shall we?' I step over to the serving ledge. 'Cook Wufei! Is the dinner ready yet?' Out of the open space above the ledge, popped a face only a mother could love, or maybe Mrs. Schnook-ums.

"You want your fucking food, eh? You in such a fucking hurry all the time! You want your food in a hurry, come back to the fucking kitchen and make it your fucking self! Every fucking day, give me my fucking food, you not cooking my fucking food fast enough, what the hell are you fucking doing in that fucking kitchen... you want your fucking food?"

'Yes, actually, I do.'

"Alright... just give me a fucking minute." I sighed and turned to face my guests. I hated when Wufei yelled at me like that, I knew he had a whole shitload of bad cutlery hidden away somewhere.

'Why don't we take our seats while the Cook is preparing our meal?' Everyone looked at me, worriedly, and slowly shuffled into their seats. I don't think that the night was starting off quite right yet...at least the dinner was arriving smoothly, so far. My guests uncovered their trays and were pleased the mac-and-cheese that stared back up at them. I was feeling pretty confident right about then. I uncovered my dish.

'Holy shit! It's... shit!'

"No, it's macaroni and cheese." Trowa answered.

'No! Look at my plate. I have shit on my plate!'

"Oh, yeah, that's shit."

"It looks like cat shit." observed Quatre.

"How can you tell?" asked Zechs.

"I lived in a home full of girls, I could recognize cat shit anywhere."

"It's fake shit." said Heero.

'What?'

"It's fake shit." he repeated.

"Oh," agreed Trowa, "he's right, it says 'MADE IN CHINA' on the side, right there." I picked it up. I squeezed it. It squeaked. It appeared to be fake plastic squeaky cat shit. Interesting. Fuck, someone had me on their shit list...