Roots and Branches

by GuardianEnzo

In the hours after "Sins of the Father", big changes are coming to Cadet Matrix' life. And he discovers that sometimes the little things matter more than Web World Wars...

2. Branching Out

CHAPTER II

BRANCHING OUT

Dot and Mac stayed at the P.O. for a couple of cycles, just so Dot could rest and Phong could keep his eye on them. AndrAIa came over to the apartment and helped us get it all ready for them, and they set up a crib in Bob and Dot's room for the baby. I wasn't really sure if that was going to be permanent, but we didn't have an extra room in the apartment. I tried not to think about that and I didn't dare mention it anyway, because I didn't want everyone to think I was selfish.

Every time I saw Dot for those first couple of cycles I felt like laughing, it was so good to see her smiling and OK. I guess I didn't even realize how much I'd been worrying about her, but it'd been a whole lot. But after the first few milliseconds I'd start to get these weird feelings like I did at the hospital after Mac was born. It's hard to describe – it's

like I was nervous but that's not exactly it, I wasn't really nervous. Or scared, or sad or mad… I just had weird feelings that I didn't understand but I tried not to let it show.

When we finally brought them home from the hospital it was in the afternoon, after school, and Matrix and Andri stayed with us for a while. After they left, Bob and I kinda played with the baby even though he really didn't do much of anything, then Dot said she was tired and she and Mac went into the bedroom to take a nap.

I realized that Bob and I hadn't been alone for a long time, for sure since the baby and it seemed like a long time before that, too. I sat next to him on the couch and I had some of those weird scraggy feelings again. Bob looked tired, but he was definitely more relaxed now that the birth was all over. Neither one of us said anything for a little bit. Finally I looked up at him and asked him how it felt.

"How's what feel?"

"You know – being a… A father and everything."

He looked a little surprised for a nano, then he smiled at me. "I really don't feel any different."

"Really?"

"Yeah. Because in my heart, nothing's really changed. I'm not going anyplace I haven't already been. You know?"

"Yeah…" I digested that for a few nanos. "Bob, when d'you think I can start going into games with you again?" For some reason, that was feeling really important to me.

"Pretty soon, Kiddo. I think once we've had a few cycles to get settled you can start again."

"Really? You mean it?"

"I don't see why not." I think Bob could tell I was feeling off-line about something. He laughed and punched me on the shoulder. "We're becoming quite the little family, huh?"

"Bob?"

"Yeah." He grinned. "Me with two boys, huh? Who would've believed that?"

I just kind of stared at him when he said that. "Bob?"

"You know how lucky I feel? To have an incredible woman like your sister in my life, and two boys to watch grow up. That's pretty amazing." He wrapped his arm around me. "You're going to be an awfully important sprite in Mac's life, Enzo – you know that, don't you?"

"I… I guess."

"He's gonna look up to you. Want to do the things you do, even if he can't. It's only natural that he would. Try to be patient with him, OK? Try to understand the way he looks at the world."

It was hard for me to think that far ahead right now. "I will, Bob. I promise."

"I'm awfully proud of you. You're 1.2 now, growing up. The way you pitched in and helped Dot when she needed you. I know it wasn't easy to put your training on hold. But you did it – you came through in crunch time."

"I guess." I wasn't sure exactly why he was telling me all this, but it was hitting me right where those weird feelings had been.

"I'm proud of the way your training is going, too. I always knew you'd be a good student, but you surprised me. I never figured you'd pick it up as fast as you have. Like you were born to do it."

"Bob, do you really mean that?" It's not like I thought Bob would lie to me or anything, but I was feeling really insecure about everything at that nano. That's the word – insecure. That's what I was feeling.

"Course I do." He ruffled my hair a little bit. "I wouldn't say it if I didn't mean it. You're one hell of a fine cadet."

"Thanks." I sighed. Delete it, it felt good to hear him say it.

"You know Enzo, I never really told you, but… You deciding you wanted to be like me – to be a Guardian… That means an awful lot to me, Tiger. You know that?"

"Really?"

"Sure. I'm flattered, but it's more than that. It makes me proud of who I am – that someone like you would want to do what I do. You're a great kid – you could do whatever you want to do. I think its pixelacious that being a guardian is how you want to spend your life."

"I… Thanks." He smiled, and I smiled back. "Ever since you came here it's all I ever wanted to do."

"There you go. I always loved being a guardian, Tiger – there was never a nano I wished I'd picked some other way to spend my life. But until you and Dot, I never had anybody to share it with. That's why I fought for so long to get back to Mainframe – to save it. Because this is where my life was, from the nano I came here. You and Dot were my life. Do you understand what I'm trying to say?"

I couldn't really find any words, so I just nodded and tried to smile again. He squeezed his arm around me a little tighter. "I just want you to know that's never going to change, Enzo. We'll always have it. It'll always be what keeps us together – the three of us. OK?"

"OK, Bob."

"OK, you." He chuckled. "You hungry? Want me to fix us some dinner?"

"No, I'm fine Bob. Thanks." I realized I was pretty tired, and I put my head down on his chest. Those feelings were still inside me, but they felt a little farther away, like Bob had given them a hard shove until I almost couldn't see them any more but they were still there. I thought about that for a few nanos, and before I knew it I fell asleep.

Having Mac around totally changed my life, in every possible way I could think of. He woke me up at night with his crying, pretty much every night. It seemed like I never slept straight through anymore. Dot had to spend so much time taking care of him that she hardly ever had time to cook for Bob and me, so we either ate at the diner or else made something ourselves. I didn't seem to see Dot that much – even when she was around, I hardly saw her. It was like Mac needed her every nano for something or the other. It wasn't his fault – I guess that's just how little babies are.

The only times that felt like before were the games. When game cubes dropped it was just Bob and me, like always. The rest of the net didn't exist – all we had to worry about was working together and winning the game. It was a totally alphanumeric feeling to be in the games with Bob, like being totally free. And he was letting me do more and more, too, as I got better. And afterwards, we'd always have an energy shake at Al's or the Diner and talk about the game. I never wanted those nanos to end.

One cycle a few minutes after Mac was born Dot was taking care of him in their bedroom and I came in to watch, which I did sometimes. Even if Dot was busy I still wanted to just see her sometimes – just so I knew she was still real, still a part of my life. And it was kinda cool to watch her with Mac, because I'd never seen anything remotely like him before. He's a very weird little sprite – I guess all babies are, probably.

So anyways, she was taking care of him and I was just sitting on her bed, watching them, and she turned around and smiled at me like nothing was any different than it's ever been. That was when she told me she was gonna have to teach me how to baby-sit.

"What?"

"You heard me, Sport. I think you're old enough to have a little responsibility around here."

"But… I have responsibility in the games and everything-"

"That's different." She hoisted the baby up out of his crib and sat down next to me on the bed. "Soon enough Mac will be old enough for us to leave him once in a while - it's not fair for us to always ask AndrAIa and Matrix to baby-sit. You'll be 1.3 before you know it – it'll be good for you. And I'll pay you."

"Really?" The whole idea sounded pretty dubious to me. Matrix and Andri had been baby-sitting, me before Mac was born – not that I liked Dot thinking I needed a sitter. "But what if he gets sick or something? I wouldn't know what to do!"

"I'll teach you. It won't be hard." Dot smiled. She held out the baby and I took him in my arms, awkwardly. I was still kind of nervous holding him, to be honest. "See? Already he loves you Enzo, – look at that smile!"

"He doesn't even know who I am, I bet. I'm just some big blob to him."

"Oh Enzo! He knows you're his uncle. I'm sure of it – I know you recognized me when you were a few minutes old."

"Really?" Mac was sort of making funny cooing noises with his mouth while I held him.

"Sure." Dot chuckled. She tweaked the baby on the nose and ruffled my hair. "I'll teach you the basics. And we'll make sure you know where we are if there's an emergency. It'll be fine, you'll see."

"If you say so." The whole thing sounded pretty dubious to me.

"It'll be good for you to spend the time together, so he can bond with you. You want that, don't you? Don't you want you and Mac to be close like you and I are?"

"I… Sure I do." I did. But that was a funny question, somehow – it didn't feel right to me. Something else didn't feel right either, right about then. "Hey! I think he's… he's-"

"That'll be lesson one, then." Dot sighed, patting my cheek. "Changing a diaper."

"Ick! I don't wanna do that!"

"Well, I wasn't so keen on helping change your diapers either, but-"

"Dot!"

"All right, that's enough. I have one baby – I don't need two." So that's when she taught me how to change Mac's diaper. I won't talk about it because I don't even like to think about it – but it was totally gross. If Dot was trying to convince me to want to baby-sit she definitely picked the wrong way to do it. But I did baby-sit him sometimes as it turned out, and it wasn't totally basic. And I liked having a few extra credits in my pocket, too…

Dot loved taking care of the baby. She got tired but she never seemed to get angry with him, no matter how much he cried or wet himself or fussed or just generally needed attention – which was all the time. Sometimes it seemed like she was all used up after dealing with him – he'd go to sleep and all of the tiredness she'd been holding inside her just came out and she had nothing left for me.

After a while she started taking Mac to the P.O with her so she could work, maybe when he was fifteen minutes old or so. Dot loved to work – she loved being the Command.Com and I could tell how much she'd missed it. She'd take Mac with her and set him up in her office and do as much work as she could between his crying fits. Sometimes if there were no games for a while Bob would come by and take Mac for a walk or something, or he and I would take Mac to the park or the beach, and Dot would try and catch up on as much as she could while she had the chance.

One morning Dot was sitting at the breakfast table when I got up. I didn't see Bob or Mac anywhere, which was weird, because Dot always had Mac in the kitchen with her in the morning. It wasn't a school day and I'd slept late, though, so I thought maybe he was already taking a nap or something and I asked her where he was.

"Matrix and Andri came by and took him the park. They haven't spent any time with him for a while, so I said it was OK."

"Where's Bob?"

"Catching up on system maintenance with Phong. Looks like it's just you and me this morning."

"Really?" I felt a weird kind of rush go through me when she told me.

"Or should I say 'this afternoon', late as you slept! I thought you were never getting up. Planning on wearing your PJs all day?"

"Sorry." I mumbled. I sat next to her at the table and grinned like a little kid. I couldn't believe Dot and me where sitting together and there was no one else around. It almost felt like a dream, it was so weird.

"You!" She giggled, and tweaked me on the nose. "What would you like for breakfast?"

"Could we go out?" The words just came out of me before I had a chance to think about them. "Could we go get pancakes like we used to, sometimes? And then play jetball or go circuit racing?"

She lifted an eyebrow like she was a little surprised. "I suppose so. We haven't done that for a long time."

"Alphanumeric!"

"OK. Go get ready and we'll leave in a few milliseconds."

When we got out onto Baudway Dot asked me if I wanted to zip, and I said no, I wanted to walk. She just shrugged and we started off. I grabbed her hand and we didn't really say anything, she just looked over at me and smiled a couple of times.

We went to a neat little café in the Kits Sector, a place where we started going for breakfast sometimes when I was real small. We hadn't been there for a long time but I really liked it. When Dot and I used to go out and eat we didn't like to eat at the Diner even though the food was free, 'cause it didn't really feel like going out if you worked in the place you were eating.

We sat at a table in the café, which was really crowded but we didn't have to wait. The dedicated server took our order – I ordered a tall stack of apple pancakes and a side of potatoes, just like I used to. The server went away and Dot and I sort of looked at each other for a nano like we'd forgotten how to talk to each other and finally Dot asked me what I'd been doing in school.

After Dot asked me I started to tell her about a programming class I was taking, which was actually kinda cool unlike pretty much all my other classes. It's like all the words I'd been saving up just decided to come out all at once. See, when I was a little kid sometimes I'd get excited and I'd just start talking and I couldn't really stop. It's like some little part of me knows I'm doing it and tells me I should shut up or at least feel silly, but I can't and I don't. I'd just keep talking and talking until something stopped me.

Well I hadn't really done that for a while but I was doing it then, I'm sure. I don't even remember what I was talking about but that happened a lot of the time anyway. I think I got onto programming and what they were able to do with organizers and stuff and how neat they were and I just kept going and going for I don't know how long and seeing Dot's face and always wanting to see it and then I sort of realized that she was grinning at me and I finally stopped. "What?"

She reached out and rubbed my cheek, real softly. "Nothing, Sweetie."

I felt myself blushing. "You're not listening to what I'm saying at all, are you?"

"Not really."

"Crash! Why didn't you tell me to stop?"

She laughed, but not a laughing at me kind of laugh. "I don't know why. I liked listening to you, I guess."

"But you don't even know what I said!"

"I don't care, I suppose. I still liked it." She leaned across the table and kissed me on the cheek and the server brought our food. It was one of the best breakfasts I ever had – I don't know why but it just was. Afterwards we were going to play jetball but Dot wanted to check on Mac, and when she called AndrAIa said he had a slight temperature and we had to go over and pick him up. I don't know why, but I remember that morning like it just happened. It's weird, but I just do.

Things sort of settled into a routine with Mac around. He'd get bigger and bigger, but little by little so you hardly noticed it except sometimes you'd look at him and be surprised for a nano how big he was, like he'd snuck up on you. I got used to spending more time on my own, which I guess was natural. And there were the games…

The games were the one part of my life where I felt totally comfortable. I could feel myself getting better every time a game cube dropped – I stopped having to ask Bob as many questions, I started to anticipate things in the game before they even happened. Bob and me were like, totally in tune with each other – for the first time I felt like we were a team for real. He was letting me do stuff, make mistakes sometimes but mostly do stuff pretty well. But then the games would be won and we'd be back in Mainframe and things still never felt totally right.

The other thing that was happening was the war with Daemon. I wish I could say more about it but Bob and Dot and the others tried to keep the details from me as much as possible. Bob or Phong would talk to Laser and the others on Gallifrey Seven a lot, via encrypted messages. They'd get updates on how things were going and at first things were pretty bad. You could always tell how bad from the adults' mood. When they were real bad they didn't tell me anything – they'd get mad if I even asked.

But slowly things started to get better. Mouse had come up with an antiviral program that Daemon hadn't been able to break, so they sent it to a bunch of clean systems and it totally stopped Daemon's army in their tracks. I could tell things were going good because Bob or Matrix would tell me little bits of stuff, like they were feeling really giddy and they couldn't keep it to themselves.

There were still a lot of infected systems out there, and no one had been able to figure out a way to liberate them except by force, and we didn't have enough force to be able to do that. But Daemon wasn't able to infect any new systems, and everyone felt a lot better about the whole war because of that. And then there was the Academy – Laser graduated his first group of Guardian cadets, and that was a very big deal. They went out, back to their home systems or to the supercomputer, all of them ready to make things even harder for Daemon. It was a totally cool thought.

My birthday was coming up soon – I was gonna be 1.3. That's a big one – I'd be a teenager. Bob or Matrix or Andri would crack jokes about it sometimes and I'd be embarrassed, but Dot never joked about it. I wasn't sure how I felt – I was happy I was getting bigger and stronger, and Bob was trusting me a lot. Letting me do more. But nothing ever felt simple to me anymore. I remember once telling Matrix he made everything too complicated, but here I was starting to do the same thing! I felt like I was turning into a different person – I wasn't sure if it was Matrix or someone else completely. But like I said, nothing ever felt simple.

I noticed that weird things - little things - would make me really happy. And little things would really bother me too, make me feel like I wanted to cry and I wasn't even sure why I did. I'd get really frustrated sometimes for no reason – at least no reason I can remember – and just have to go away and be by myself, or just sit somewhere and wrestle with Frisket and not talk to anyone. It never used to take much to make me happy – all I wanted was to have fun and do exciting stuff and that was enough. But sometimes that wasn't enough anymore, and I wasn't sure why.

One cycle after a game Bob and I walked into the apartment and Dot was sitting on the sofa, changing Mac's diaper. I said 'Hi' to her and she smiled, then she and Bob exchanged one of those quick looks they think I never see and I always do. It didn't take much to set off my mind to wandering around then, so I went into the kitchen to get a drink and think. Whenever Bob and Dot did one of those looks it was usually bad for me. I might have said that already.

When I came back into the living room Dot was all done with Mac and he was in his playpen, and Bob was sitting next to her on the sofa. She patted the sofa and called me over to sit down. I knew she was gonna say that before she even said it. "What's up?"

"Just wanna talk to you, that's all. How was your game?"

"Um – it was OK. Good. I guess."

"Enzo did most of the work." Bob grinned. "I hardly ever have to do anything in a game any more – I'm gonna get lazy at this rate."

"You know that's not true, Bob…"

"Good, good." Dot was acting in a kind of weird, flat way. Like she wasn't really all there. "You know me, Enzo – I believe in getting to the point. Bob and I have something we need to discuss with you."

My stomach always fell whenever I heard that. "Sure. What's up?"

"You want to take over?" Dot asked Bob. He nodded.

"Tiger, you don't need me to tell you how well you're doing in the games. You know that, right?"

"Yeah… I guess. I thought I was doing OK, but you're the expert."

He chuckled and tousled my hair. "Well, I don't know about that last part but you're definitely doing really well. I'm proud of you. In fact, you're doing so well that I'm beginning to think there isn't a lot more I can teach you."

Now I was really confused. "But Bob… I mean – that's not true!"

"Well… Maybe it is, maybe it isn't." Mac started crying and Dot stood up without saying anything and went over to his playpen. Bob stared at her for a nano and turned back to me. He slid over next to me. "Kiddo, you know the Daemon war is going better, right?"

I did, but I was feeling a little testy. "How would I – you guys never want to tell me anything!"

He smiled. "You always know more than we think you do. Don't pretend you don't. Besides – I told you about Mouse's antiviral program and how successful it's been."

I looked over at Dot, who was kinda bouncing Mac up and down and whispering to him, trying to get him to stop crying. "Yeah. I know…"

"This thing is a long way from over. It's going to be a long, tough road. But we've turned the tide, Enzo – I really believe it. And because of Mouse's work we've made real progress – we've established a secure communications network throughout the free net. And that's not all – now we can travel safely between free systems."

"Bob, that's alphanumeric. But why are you telling me all this now? You guys never tell me anything."

Dot had calmed Mac down, and she put him in his playpen again and he rolled over and went to sleep, like it was nothing. It was amazing how babies could do that. She came and sat next to Bob. "Enzo, just let Bob talk, all right?"

"I am letting him talk! Cursors and crashes…"

"It's OK." Bob patted my knee. "I'm getting to the point Enzo, I promise. Some things have changed. You're 1.3 now – well, almost. You're not the little boy you were when I first promoted you." I blushed – I didn't like to hear 'little boy' and me referred to in the same sentence. "We've got secure communications and travel now. And the Academy isn't what it was when Laser founded it. It's not like before Daemon – not yet. But it's getting there."

"The Academy?" Suddenly I was breathing hard, like I'd been running the whole time Bob was talking.

"Enzo, you remember how we talked about you making decisions in your own life?" Dot asked. "Well, this is one of those times."

"Dot?"

"It might just be time, Tiger." Bob smiled. "You're almost as old as some of the youngest cadets there now – not quite, but almost. You're damn good – you're getting better every cycle. And Dot and I are both convinced you'd be safe at the Academy. Besides – we can communicate with you now and get you out of there quickly – if we need to."

"Wait! Wait a nano…" I remember wanting to slow time down, thinking everything was moving too fast. "You… You want me to go to the Academy, Bob? Now?"

"Well… Soon. And it's not a matter of my wanting it, Enzo – it's a matter of you wanting it. All I'm saying is we think you're ready for the Academy – and we think it's ready for you."

"Bob, I…" As usual, it seemed like I had no idea when big stuff was gonna happen – it just hit me like an ABC.

"What do you think about it, Enzo?" Dot said. She'd been really quiet during all this.

"The Academy. Wow…" I wasn't really sure what I thought about it, but that was no surprise after the way I'd been feeling. I never really felt sure of anything. Part of me was really excited, part of me was scared, part of me was sad. I didn't know which part to listen to. I hadn't thought seriously about the Academy for a long time – since Laser had been in Mainframe.

"It'd be a two hour program, Tiger – that's what they're doing now, because of the war. Used to be three. Two hours at the Academy, and since you'd be underage, a three-hour apprenticeship under an established Guardian." He winked. "I think I could pull a few strings with management and get you assigned to Mainframe for that."

"Two hours? And then… Back here?" Bob nodded. I still didn't really know how I felt, so naturally I turned to the sprite I'd always turned to, since I was a little tiny kid. "Dot? What do you think? Should I go?"

She smiled a little and didn't say anything for just a nano. "Enzo… It's really up to you. I'll support you whatever you decide."

"D-Dot?"

She ran her hand over her face, so fast I almost didn't notice it. "Yes, Enzo. You know I'd miss you – we all would. But if you really want to be a Guardian you're going to have to go for training sooner or later. Like I said – I'll support you, whatever you decide."

I nodded and smiled a little, but I felt empty inside – like I'd just been in a fight or a game or something, and surrendered. Bob grabbed my shoulder. "There's no rush, Enzo – you can take some time and thi-"

"I'll go." I said, so loud and fast that I surprised myself. A lot.

"Enzo?"

"I'll go." I sighed. I closed my eyes. "You're right – if I want to be a Guardian I've got to go to the Academy. There's no reason to wait any more."

I felt Bob squeeze my shoulder. I could hear in his voice he was surprised, too. "If you're sure-"

"I'm sure."

"Good… Good, then. We can talk about the details later – the semester doesn't start for a few minutes."

"OK." I opened my eyes at last. "Thanks, Bob."

"No problem, Kiddo. How 'bout this kid, huh Dot?"

She smiled. "Yep. You're… You're going to have a great time, Enzo. I'm happy for you - It's wonderful."

"Yeah… Thanks. Thanks, Dot."

So that was that. I was going to the Academy, where five milliseconds earlier the idea of leaving home had never even entered my mind. Ever since the reboot it seemed like my life was always just drifting along without much happening and then being knocked on my bitmap without any warning.

I could tell Bob and Dot were surprised I'd made up my mind so quickly. To be honest, I was too. I wasn't even really sure why I did – I mean, it was probably the most important decision Dot had ever let me make. But somehow, sitting there talking to her, I just knew it was time for me to leave.

I had my birthday party a few cycles after I found out about the Academy. Everyone was there and I got a lot of cool presents, and it was kinda fun while it lasted. The best one was a guitar from Bob. I knew Matrix had one, but he never played it and I'd pretty much figured out why, even though no one talked about it much. Bob promised he'd give me lessons and it was a pretty cool cycle.

But it was hard for me to relax and enjoy it knowing all the changes that were gonna happen. I knew as soon as the party was over everyone would leave and Dot would go to take care of Mac and I'd go to my room and just start thinking about everything all over again.

The strangest thing is, I wasn't really scared. I mean, I was a little bit – OK. I'd never left home before and I was still kind of a kid and that did scare me a little. But not like I expected it to. I knew Bob was pretty much right when he said I was doing better in the games – I felt it. He'd started teaching me before I was 1.1 and I'd learned an incredible amount from him. I was pretty sure I could hold my own with first-hour students in the Academy.

Besides, Bob had told me a lot about life at the Academy so I kinda felt like I knew what to expect. There would be hard work – physical training, exercise - probably more than I'd ever done. A lot of classroom stuff that wasn't all that different from what I was doing now – plus a few specialized game classes, which I just knew were going to be incredibly pixelacious. And all of the game training – I knew I could handle that. I wasn't even scared about having a roommate and meeting other sprites may own age for the first time. Well – not that scared.

But I wasn't that excited about it either. I mean, how many times had I wished I had some kids my own age to play with? I was going to a place with a bunch of kids – Bob said there were over 100 students now and even though most of them were a lot older than me, a lot were 1.6 or younger. It was going to be a totally new experience for me. Sometimes I'd think about it and wonder what it'd be like but it didn't really excite me or scare me, which was basic – I figured it should do one or the other or maybe both. It was like I was watching all this stuff about to happen to someone else. A big part of me felt like I wasn't there, like I'd already left.

There was a part of me that wanted to go to someone and talk. Just talk – I wasn't even sure what about. Just talk and not worry about anything. But another part of me didn't want to do that. As I'd gotten bigger I didn't want to go to another person when I was offline like I had when I was a kid – when I got confused or depressed I just wanted to be by myself. And that was pretty easy to do, as busy as everybody was.

I saw Dot in the kitchen a few cycles after the birthday party. She was busy making up some formula for Mac and she didn't really notice me when I came in. I sat down at the table and stared at her for a few nanos with my chin on hands. "What're you doing back there?"

"Sorry! Didn't mean to scare you."

"You didn't scare me. I just wondered why you're sitting there, not saying anything."

"I dunno. I guess I don't have anything to say."

"Hmmm." She tested a drop of the formula on her wrist and turned to look at me. "What's with you anyway?"

"Nothing." She shook her head at me and headed towards the living room. I got up and followed a few steps behind her. "Gonna feed the baby, huh?"

"Very clever of you to figure that out." She held out the bottle and I took it from her, then she reached into the playpen and picked up Mac. He was making gurgling noises and he smiled at me, so I automatically smiled back. You couldn't help it. Dot sat down on the sofa and I sat next to her. "Bottle, please."

"OK." I handed it to her and she brought it right up to the baby's mouth. She got him in just the right position and tucked her arm behind his neck and he started drinking. Dot took a deep breath and leaned back. "Takin' care of him is a lot of work, huh?"

"Nothing's getting past you today, is it?"

"I guess." Dot shook her head again and frowned at me. I wanted to say something, but I just couldn't get any words to come out so I just sat there and watched Mac drink his formula.

I guess Dot got tired of the silence after a while. "Well… Have you thought much about what you're going to bring with you to the Academy?"

"Uh… Not really. Just some clothes I guess. And stuff. And my surfboard."

"Hmmm. You don't seem very excited about the whole thing, I must say. Aren't you excited to be going at last?"

"Sure." I managed to smile. I stared at Mac for a nano. "I guess I'm just worried. About you and everything."

"About me? Why are you worried about me?"

I gritted my teeth. I wanted to stop talking, but I couldn't. "I just… I don't want you to be lonely and all."

"Enzo… Don't worry about that."

"But…"

"Enzo…" Something flashed in Dot's eyes and I could hear her draw in a breath, like she was about to talk for a long time. Her throat even tensed up. But she stopped. She looked down at Mac for a few nanos and adjusted the bottle. Then she looked up at me and smiled. "You don't have to worry about that."

"I… don't?"

"Nah. I'll miss you, of course. We'll all miss you. But I've got so much going on around here with the baby, and the diner and being the Command.Com…. Not to mention talking care of Bob which is like another baby sometimes! I won't have time to worry too much, I'll just be trying to keep up. I'll be surrounded by sprites all day long – of course I won't be lonely! So don't worry about it."

"Oh." I stared at her. "Thanks, Sis. That's cool."

"So you just go and have a good time. I know how much this means to you, Sweetheart. You've worked so hard – you deserve it. Don't worry about me – I'll be just fine. OK?"

"OK." I smiled at her and she smiled back. I felt totally empty inside, like a web creature had drained all my energy. "Thanks, Dot."

"You're welcome. Feel better?"

"Yeah."

"Good." Mac had finished his bottle, so Dot picked him up and put him on her shoulder. I went to my room and sat on the bed for a long time.

Bob and Dot hadn't been out together for a long time, so one night they had me baby-sit for Mac while they went out with Matrix and AndrAIa. I kind of dimly thought that I should be mad about that, but I didn't really care – I wanted to be alone anyway, and being with the baby was almost like being alone since he never asked me any questions. Besides, I didn't really mind baby-sitting. Other than the diapers it was kinda fun – almost.

Mac was about thirty minutes old by this time, and he was just starting to learn how to crawl on his own. It was amazing to watch him, struggling to do even the most basic thing. After we'd eaten our dinner and I'd changed him he started crying like he usually did so I picked him up out of his playpen and bounced him on my lap like Dot taught me. He got this kind of puzzled, pouty look on his face for a few nanos and I started talking to him. No real words, just kind of ooh-ing and ah-ing and making faces and he started to laugh, which he was doing more and more.

I laughed too, and I put him down on the floor so he could practice crawling. He looked back at me for a nano, like he wanted to make sure I was watching him, and then he took off. I just leaned on the coffee table with my chin in my hands and watched him. He'd go real slow, halfway falling over, then catch himself and keep crawling until he came up against an obstacle like the table or a wall. He's stare it for a nano and make little 'guh' type noises and then off he'd go, in another direction. It was pretty cool.

I let him do that for a while until I could see he was getting frustrated and I picked him up, under the arms, and carried him over to the couch. He kicked his little legs like he was amazed to be in the air, and then I sat down and put him on my lap, facing me. "How you doing, Little Man?"

He didn't answer me – big surprise. He just kinda made a little laugh that sounded half like a hiccup. I giggled and mussed up his hair, which was dark-green like mine but had a little curl in it like Bob's. "You sure are a funny little sprite, aren't you? Huh?" He laughed and I laughed and I hugged him a little and sort of stared at him.

"You know I'm going away, right? I'm going to the Academy. Didn't know that, huh?" He just stared at me like he was really trying to figure out what I was saying. Maybe he was, who knows? Looking at him, I could see why Dot was so crazy about him. He looked just like a cross between her and Bob, like he couldn't be anyone else's baby. "You've got pretty great parents, you know that?"

It was weird, talking to him with no one else around. "They're great, Mac. Dot's an incredible mom. She's gonna take really good care of you. Believe me, I know." Mac sort of smiled a little bit and yawned. "You're in good hands, Tiger. You know that?"

I could tell he was tired out from his crying and his crawling, and all of a sudden I didn't feel much like talking anymore. I patted and rubbed his back which he always seemed to like, then I changed him into his PJs and put him to bed. I sat and stared at a vidscreen for a few nanos after that, but I didn't really feel like watching anything. So even though I wasn't tired, I switched on the baby monitor and took it into my room and went to bed.

I laid down in bed on my back and stared up at the ceiling for a long time. I know it was a long time 'cause I remember hearing Bob and Dot come in and hearing them talking outside my door. Eventually, I guess, I fell asleep. And the next cycle I ended up at the Principal Office, not really sure why I was there. And then I got the idea to go see my tree.

I don't know how long I'd been sitting in Phong's little room with the file reader. When I watched it the file hadn't seemed very long, but I sat afterwards and thought about the time I hurt my knee and about a bunch of other stuff, too so it could have been a while. Phong didn't say anything, though – he just waited. Like I said, nobody is as patient as Phong.

After I'd sat and thought about a bunch of stuff I opened a vidwindow and told Phong I was ready to go. I sat on the console and waited for him, which didn't take very long since he'd acted like he was ready when I called him. After what seemed like only a few nanos he whirred into the little room. "Now then, young Guardian – you are ready to depart?"

"Yeah, Phong. Thanks, for... For letting me watch the file thing."

"Do not concern yourself with thanks. It was but nothing." He smiled and waved me to follow him, which I did. "Did you find it interesting, Child?"

I thought about that for a nano. "Yeah… I guess so, Phong. I – I'd like to think about it, I guess."

"Good, that is good, Child. Thinking is a most enlightening endeavor. However, always remember that the most important tool your body possesses for learning is not the brain, but the ears."

"Uh… Yeah, right. Listen, Phong? Would you mind taking me back to the conservatory for a nano before we go?"

"Of course not, young one. I was headed there anyway." He led me back to the garden and I don't know why, but I just wanted to take one more look at my tree before I left. So I did. Phong just stood off to the side and didn't say anything.

After a few nanos I turned to him. "Thanks, Phong. Do me a favor?"

"Anything, Child."

"Would you, uh… Take care of it for me? While I'm gone? I don't know how long directory trees live but it'd be nice if it was here when I come home."

He nodded. "You know I will do so, my boy. As I stated earlier – it is my supreme pleasure to tend your gift as it were my own."

"Cool." I coughed and looked at my feet, then held out my hand. "You've been great to me, Phong. I appreciate it."

He shook my hand in his own spindly one. "We will miss you in Mainframe, young Guardian. But this time we know full well that you will return."

"Thanks. I'll try to make you proud."

"Indeed, Child. Come – let us go, yes? I think perhaps there is someone else you yearn to speak to besides this weary old sprite." I nodded. There was, but I'd given up trying to figure out how Phong always knew this stuff.

I got back to the diner and walked in like I had a zillion times before, half-noticing how many customers there were and what Cecil was up to and checking to see if Dot and Bob were inside. They weren't. I almost grabbed an energy bar off the counter just by habit, but before it got there my brain told my hand I wasn't hungry and I went into the kitchen instead. I walked down the stairs and into the apartment.

I didn't see anyone when I first got there and I thought for a nano no one was home. Then I heard a noise from the bedroom and I walked over there. Dot was singing and had Mac on the bed, changing his clothes. Well, she wasn't really singing so much as humming but it was definitely musical.

I don't think she heard me come in and she had her back to me so I just stood there in the doorway, watching and listening to her. Mac was lying back on the bed just sort of staring up at Dot with his eyes real wide as she changed him and tweaked his nose and tickled his feet and he giggled. I felt like I could stand there all cycle.

Finally she picked him up and held him against her shoulder for a nano and walked him over to his crib. She set him down and whispered to him for a little bit and kissed him on the nose. When she stood up she turned around and saw me. "Enzo! You startled me!"

"Sorry Sis. Didn't mean to."

"That's all right." She smiled a kind of funny smile and deleted the light. "How long have you been home?"

"Just a nano. I just came in." She walked by me and I followed her out into the living room.

"Where've you been all day? I haven't seen you since breakfast."

"I was over at the P.O."

"The P.O.?" She frowned and sat down on the couch. "What were you doing there?"

"Nothing, just hanging around I guess. I sat on the couch, kind of on the opposite end from her. "Bob around?"

"Nope. Just us." She frowned again. "Come on over here, little brother! Do I have a virus or something?"

"Sorry!" I slid over next to her and she squeezed my shoulder. "My goodness… When did you get so tall?"

"I dunno. Did I?"

"Seems that way." She sighed. She shook her head and smiled. "So – you looking forward to the Academy? It's going to be quite an adventure, huh?"

"Sure."

I think she must have seen something in my face. "Don't worry – you'll do just fine. I know it."

"I know…" I looked down at my lap, then away from her, across the room. "I guess you're gonna put Mac in my room after I'm gone, huh?"

"What? Who told you that?"

"I… I dunno. I just assumed-"

"Huh!" She pursed her lips at me. "Of course we're not going to do that! That's your room, Enzo. Why would you think that? Bob's planning to add-on another room for the baby. An extra bathroom, too. We've all just been too busy to get around to it, that's all."

"Really?"

"Yes, really. You're the silliest boy sometimes, you know that?"

I felt myself blushing. "Sorry. I just thought… Sorry."

"Enzo…" She stared at me for a nano. "What's wrong with you lately?"

"What do you mean?"

"Enzo, I may not get to spend as much time with you as I used to but I have eyes. You haven't been yourself for minutes! What's wrong?"

"I don't know!" It was true – I didn't. I could feel all the weird feelings I'd had in my processor starting to group together like they were going to try and come out at last.

"Are you worried about the Academy? About all those older kids? You don't have to be scared-"

"I'm not! I'm not, OK? I… I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't feel like I should feel, you know? This whole Academy thing, it's like... It's like it's not really happening at all."

"Not really happening?" She pulled my chin over so I was staring at her. "What do you mean, Enzo?"

"I don't know what I mean…"

"Enzo – if you don't want to go you don't have to. You know that, don't you?"

"Yeah." I whispered. "I know."

"So – Do you?"

I didn't say anything, just stared at her, searching for what I wanted to say. Looking around inside me for why I was feeling so offline. She finally pulled her hand away from my chin and I looked down at my feet. Finally some words came into my throat, without me really thinking about saying them. "I want you guys to…to…"

"To what, Enzo?"

"I don't wanna be… I just want you guys to be a real family, OK?"

I heard a big breath come out of her mouth. "What in the net are you talking about?"

"I just think… You've had to worry about me for so long and now you have a kid and a family for real. I don't want you to have to worry about me anymore and I thought you'd want to be able to just worry about them, OK?"

"Enzo! I… Why in the net…"

"I know how much you love Mac, Dot. You had to worry about me all these hours and I'm not even yours, you know... Now you and Bob are together and have a kid and maybe you'll get married and you should be worried about your real family now."

"My real family?" She tried to turn my head but I wouldn't look at her. "What in the net do you think you are?"

"Stop it, Dot…" It felt like I was hearing everything like someone else was saying it and not me, but I knew it was me and it was all true.

"Enzo! You look at me this nano. You hear me? Enzo!" I didn't. "Enzo, I'm talking to you and I want you to look at me! Don't you owe me that much?" Finally, I gave in, like I pretty much always did when Dot was persistent.

She took my face in her hands and stared me right in the eyes. "Enzo… Where in the net did you ever get the idea that you weren't my real family? Where? Did someone tell you that?"

"No! It's just…"

"What? It's just what?"

"I dunno. I just thought… You spend so much time with Mac and everything. He needs you."

"Of course he needs me. He's a baby."

"I know that! But I know how much you… you used to worry about me all the time. And when I asked you about leaving you seemed to think I should go…"

"Enzo, that was your decision! I said I would support you whatever you decided, didn't I?"

"Yeah." I sighed. I wanted to look away from her but I couldn't. "You just didn't… When I said I was going you didn't-"

"I didn't what?"

"You didn't seem upset. Or anything…"

"Oh, my User!" She let go of my face and used her hands to cover hers. "Delete it! I knew I should've trusted my instincts…"

"What?"

She kept her face hidden in her hands for a long nano. "Enzo… Bob and I talked about it. When we decided to talk to you about the Academy, about all of it… We wanted you to feel like you could make your own mind up. Without any guilt or bad feelings to cloud your judgment. We were worried that if I told you what I really felt you'd think you shouldn't go!"

"What you… really felt?"

"Enzo, Enzo." She laughed like she was angry and looked at me again. "I didn't want you to worry, that's all. I'm totally unformatted about you leaving! It's deleting me! We just didn't want you to know. Crash it all…"

My processor was totally confused now. "You are?"

"Of course I am, you basic boy! How could I not be?"

"I… I thought you'd be happy 'cause it's gonna be just Bob and Mac now…"

"Oh, Enzo." She grabbed my face and kissed me on the forehead. "I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry that I let you think that."

"It's all right…"

"I could see something was wrong. I just thought you were nervous about leaving and the Academy and everything… I should have seen it. I should've been paying more attention to you, I just thought you wanted more space is all. If I'd been spending more time with you I'd have seen it…"

"Dot?"

"Silly boy." She hugged me against her and I just went numb. "Silly, silly, little boy. How could you ever think I wouldn't want you around here? How could you ever think that?"

"I don't know." I whispered. "I just thought because Mac is your real son and everything…"

"What? Oh, Enzo…"

Now that I'd started to let those thoughts out, it didn't seem like I could stop them. "I know it's not the same with me, Dot. I tried to pretend like it was and Mac was my brother, but I know it isn't..."

"Enzo, do you really think I care? Do you think that matters to me?"

"I…I just wish you were my mother." As soon as I said it, I knew I'd always wished it. "I wish I'd had a Mom like you, Dot. When it was just you and me I could pretend that's how it was. Even when Bob came to live with us I could pretend but it's not like it is with Mac, I know it isn't…"

"Oh, Enzo." She just sort of held me for a while and I cried a little bit, not too much. Once I'd said what I said I felt like I didn't really have anything else left in me, like I was totally empty. Finally, Dot kissed me on top of the head and whispered to me. "Enzo… Do you remember when you were 0.4?"

"What?" I could barely get a word out, my throat was so dry.

"Do you remember when you were 0.4? Maybe an hour or so after Mom and Dad died?"

"I.… I don't know. M-maybe a little. Why-"

"Just hush. You might not remember it – you were pretty young. But I do – every nano. I was pretty scared then, Sweetie – I didn't know much about taking care of you – not like Mom did. But I was doing my best and the more I did it, the more I realized I loved doing it. More than anything."

"Dot-"

"Shhh. I remember one morning, like it was yesterday. I went into your room to wake you up like I always did. Sometimes you came and slept in my bed, but that night you were brave and stayed in your room all night." She laughed softly. "I went in to wake you and you looked funny – your little face was all red and you were sweating and when I touched your forehead you were burning up…

"So I tried to wake you up and you didn't at first and that's when I got really scared. I shook you and finally you did wake up, but you looked all wrong, like you weren't really awake. I asked you what was the matter and you just said you felt bad and you started coughing and wheezing. I was terrified, I don't mind telling you."

"I don't remember that…"

"I'm not surprised." Dot smiled. "Well, I scooped you right up in my arms – you hardly weighed anything then, you were barely taller than my knee! I ran out through the diner – I'd just bought it a few minutes earlier – and zipped over to the Principal Office as fast as I could. I'm surprised I didn't get us both deleted, I was in such a hurry! But I got us there – I talked to you all the way over, telling you everything would be all right… But I could tell you were scared, too.

"Well, I ran into the P.O. and I was carrying you and yelling for Phong because I didn't even want to put you down long enough to use my organizer to call him, that's how scared I was! I ran and I ran I finally found him in the core control room, and he took one look at us and he knew something was wrong. Well, he led me into an examining room and I set you down on the table and you'd fallen asleep again, poor little thing. He did all sorts of tests and you know what?"

"What?" I was into the story now, in spite of myself.

"You had the Melissa virus – a bad case, too. They have a vaccine for kids now but in those days it was a real problem. Do you remember now?"

"I remember you telling me I had Melissa. I haven't thought about it for a long time…"

Dot smiled. "I think about it a lot. Phong wanted to keep you in the P.O. but I asked him if I could take you home and take care of you there. It was really important to me, I'm not sure why. He was a little reluctant but he gave me some anti-virals and an instruction program and I took you home and put you in my bed and then I had the longest three cycles of my life."

"Really?" Faint memories were starting to fire in my processor.

"Oh, yeah." Dot sighed. "I was so scared, all the time I was scared. I was worried that it was my fault – I thought maybe I'd let you down somehow, even though I knew that wasn't true. I wiped your face off with cold towels, and I made you tea and soup and I read to you – even comic books! I talked to you and I sang to you and when you slept I held you so you wouldn't wake up scared… I held you when you were coughing a lot so you wouldn't break a rib, that's how bad your cough was…

"And all the time I was thinking. Thinking about how incredibly precious you are – how much I love you, how much I need you. How I didn't even want to keep processing if you didn't get better, because you were the one thing that gave me joy, every cycle." She was quiet for a nano and I just stared at her. I think we were both remembering, even though I think she remembered it a lot more clearly than I did.

"Well… I kept giving you the anti-virals and Phong came to check on you twice a cycle, and on the third night your fever broke, and your breathing started to clear up and even though you were still sick, I knew you were OK. I knew you were going to get better. The next time Phong came over I was so happy I laughed and kissed him – you should have seen his face! I think that was the happiest I ever felt, knowing you weren't going to leave me…"

"Oh, User." The more she talked, the more it came back to me. I remembered it all, like it'd been in there all along, just hiding. "I remember! I remember it…"

Dot kissed my forehead again. "You know how I told you I was thinking, all the time you were sick? I was thinking all those things, how I loved you and needed you and I'd give anything for you to get better. You know the one thing I never thinking? 'Enzo isn't my son.' That thought never entered my processor for a fraction of a nano. You were my little boy and I loved you – that was all that mattered. It's still all that matters."

"Dot…" I put my head on her shoulder. I wanted to believe it was that simple. But I knew things were different now.

"You're my little boy and I love you. Nothing else matters. You'll always be my little boy, no matter how big you get."

"But I'm not your son! You're not… How can you love me like you love Mac, Dot?"

"Oh Enzo… You can never love two people the exact same way – that's just how sprites are. Every time you love someone it's unique – I love you, I love Mac, and Bob, Matrix… I love all of you in different ways. Even if I had another baby it'd be totally different than you or Mac. It doesn't mean I'd love either of you any less!"

"You… You wouldn't?"

"Of course not." She whispered. "Sweetie, what you and I have – no one else could ever understand it. Everything we've been through together, losing Mom and Dad… You growing up with no other little sprites around… You were everything to me. Getting through that together was a gift – it gave us something no one else could ever have and we'll always have it. There's a special spot in my heart – right in the middle. That's your place. No one else will ever share that place – it's yours and it always will be. I could never love anyone else the way I love you."

"Dot…" I looked up at her and I have to say, I still had doubts in my processor and I still have them. There's a part of me that always will, that feels like an orphan in spite of everything. But it was impossible to look at her eyes and not believe her – I could see she'd meant everything she said and that was enough. I guess it'll always have to be enough. I just wrapped myself around her neck as tight as I could. "Dot, I need you so much…"

"I know, Angel. I know you do. Everything's gonna be fine, don't worry."

"Dot, I love you…"

"It's OK, Enzo. I love you too. It's OK."

It was hard for me to understand how I'd never admitted all those things, never even knew I'd been thinking them. It was all so obvious now, I just couldn't grasp how I could've avoided them for so long. "Dot… I'm sorry I said that stuff. I'm sorry."

She kissed my forehead, over and over. "I'm sorry I let you feel like you did for so long, Sweetie. I should've talked to you sooner. I just thought you were getting older, you wanted me to- I don't know…"

"It's OK." I was still holding onto her, like I was afraid to let go.

"No it's not. But there's nothing we can do about it now. Just never think I don't want you, OK? Don't you ever think that again."

"I won't." Even then, as much as I loved Dot at that nano, I couldn't be sure I was telling the truth. But being right where I was made me at least think it was possible. That's how Dot's hugs are.

"Promise?"

"Promise."

"Enzo…" She grabbed a tissue from the box next to the couch and wiped my eyes. "You really are getting to be a young man now, you know. It hasn't been easy for me to step back – I've been taking care of you for so long. But we all grow up, I suppose."

"I guess."

"My Enzo…" She smiled. "I've got too much deleted worry invested in you to stop now, Kiddo! I'm never going to back off too far. You're still my boy, you hear me?"

"I know." I smiled back. "I don't want you to stop."

"OK, then." She tousled my hair and sighed. "So you know you can stay here, don't you? If you were going to the Academy because you thought I didn't want to worry about you anymore, you don't have to. This place will always be your home."

"I know." The Academy had totally dropped out of my mind until she mentioned it again – it just didn't seem important. It kind of shocked me for a nano to think about it. But then a weird thing happened – even though Dot said she didn't want me to leave and even though I knew she was telling the truth, I still wanted to go. Even more than I did before, actually. "I… I still want to go."

"Really? You know you don't-"

"No. I know." It was like for the first time I actually felt right about going. All of the being excited and curious and scared that hadn't been where they should have been in my mind… They were there now. Like I didn't have to worry about the other stuff and now I could worry about what I should have been all along. I smiled at her. "I still think it's the right thing to do. I want to be a Guardian, and I want to meet all those other sprites and see another system. Can I still go?"

"Of course you can!" Dot chuckled and kissed me again. "As long as you know that when you come home I'll be waiting for you. All of us will. This is where you belong – right here."

"I know." The bad thing was, now that I'd said all that stuff to Dot it'd cleared out my processor, which meant that I could start to think about all kinds of other stuff. I liked thinking about traveling and the game training and the other kids, but I was also thinking about how those other kids would treat me and whether I was gonna be good enough for the Academy. And I was thinking about something even scarier, too. "User Dot, I'm gonna miss you so much..."

"I'll miss you too, Honey. But it won't be that long. Two hours is all. It'll feel like forever sometimes, but we'll get through it."

"Two hours!" It did feel like forever, like my whole life.

Dot hugged me again, really hard. "We'll see you on your school holidays when you come home. Semester breaks, vacations… Bob and I can come visit you sometimes, too. I know he'll want to see his dad. We'll see lots of each other, don't worry."

"I guess." It was too much time to think about all at once. It was too much everything – I bet I'd thought about more stuff that cycle than I'd ever thought in my whole life. I couldn't handle any more right then. I just wanted to stay in Dot's arms forever and never have to worry about anything else.