And it's that time again! I'm sure all of you are quite familiar with the drill… This chapter was fun to write, except the parts with Sora. At those times, I usually felt like- oh- what's the word? Ah yes. SPEWING. Good God, Tai, what *WERE* you on!? I also jacked up the rating because- well, little kids who *aren't* weird upstairs probably shouldn't be reading this.
But enough with the babbling and Sora bashing! On with the fic~!
***
It's true, look how they shine for you,
Look how they shine for you,
Look how they shine for,
Look how they shine for you,
Look how they shine for you,
Look how they shine.
"Tai- put your hand over--….yeah…like that… and just--…." Sora moans in pleasure while reposing in the grass; her dress being saturated by the dew from the previous night. Her giggling rings out to the people passing as I begin running by hand up along her leg and into her skirt. (OOC: ew...I'm going to have nightmares...)
I savagely thrust myself on top of her, forcing myself up against the wet fabric that clutched to her flesh; sucking the skin on her neck passionately. It's odd- once I get started, it's almost impossible to stop again. You're hungry- and all you want is to get more until finally you're too exhausted to do anything else. The only way to please your craving is keep going until that time comes. Her touch against mine, the sense of her fingernails teasing along my surface, just seeing the smile of delectation on her face tells me that she's enjoying it almost as much as I am.
"Harder…" She shrieks, "Come on, Tai…"
Who am I to say no?
Our torsos move in the same rhythm, both of us feeling aroused to the same level. I admit- I've never actually gone all the way with her, but mostly because neither of us think we're quite ready for it…
At least, not yet. She's not the first girl I've ever gotten seriously involved with, but definitely the one that I had -uh… "Been the most places."
Don't get me wrong- it's not like the only reason that I'm dating her is for the physical part, although that's not too bad either, but I really do love the girl. When she's not around, I think about her- when we get into a fight, god, this susceptible of guilt follows me around until we finally manage to work things out…
She's the most important person in the world to me.
It wasn't always like that though. Before- I cared about Sora, and I would have done anything for her. Bought her lunch, consoled her at any given time, hell, I would have dodged a bullet for that girl! I still would, as a matter of fact.
But I also felt that way about someone else.
Yamato Ishida- what happened to you? He was the best friend that I could have ever asked for, and I would have done anything to make keep him happy. He knew it too-… or at least I thought he did. Maybe he just forgot.
Either way, soon enough, he started to fall away from me. I had no idea why- though I sure kept asking. He just stopped talking. To me- or anyone else. He just closed himself up to the rest of the world and everyone else in it. Sort of reminded me of when we were in the digital world- you know, the same kind of behavior. And like last time- I don't know what the fuck to do to stop it.
Try to "Be there for him"? Yeah, I've been doing that for almost a year. So far, that plan has been a bomb.
I don't know why the hell I'm thinking about it now, but it just sort of drifts back every once and a while.
"Tai??! Are you alright?? Why'd you stop??"
Some of my thoughts probably bled into my performance.
"Sorry, Love…" I say quickly, "Didn't mean to…" Hastily, I go back to letting my voracious hands tunnel into the back of her shirt, running along as if they're going in some unwritten pattern.
Pressing the crease between my legs against hers, I ignored the erection, which had already stained my pants, and flicked my hair away from my starved eyes. Fuck it- none of us care right now. Getting back into my state of lasciviousness took about 2 seconds, and I don't feel like wasting it. There was nothing to stop me…
RING!
Damn cellphone~! It's times like these that I wish that I hadn't wasted a month working for one…
"Mmm…ignore it…" She says with her mahogany hair flashing mischievously in front of me.
I smirk a bit.
"Wish I could…" I reply, groaning a bit myself, "But last time that happened, it was mom and I ended up being grounded for 3 weeks." Gently, I untwist the two of us then I hold her up a bit and let her park on my lap so that I'll be able to pull the little device out of my pocket. Then I speak into the phone, "Hello? Tai Kamiya speaking…"
"Hey, Tai."
I almost knock Sora off of me while exclaiming, "Matt?!? Is that you?"
"Yeah. Don't sound so surprised."
I try to get a better hold of myself. Yeah, I know I must sound like a twit- going off like that for no reason- but trust me, it wasn't that crazy. Matt hadn't called me in- god, I can't even remember how long it's been. Ages…
"Hey, Matt, I'd love to talk, but I'm sort of-"
"Just shut up and listen. It won't take long."
I open my mouth to say something more, but I'm not given the opportunity. I don't mind much though- anything that came out of my mouth would have probably sounded dumb or neurotic.
"Look- I need a ride tomorrow. I've got to take dad to the hospital. Think you could make it over?"
The way he speaks seems so unnatural. Just fractured pieces of sentences instead of full lines that might actually be able to *tell* me something. Of course though- there's no way in hell I'd admit that to him. It's just that I never know what the hell is going on in his mind. "You've got it…" I say promptly, "What time?"
"Around noon."
"Okay, no problem." I agree, "I'll see you later then."
"Yeah. Bye."
Again, I'm not given the chance to say my farewells either, I just hear the brief clicking noise that tells me that he's gone.
I don't understand it! His behavior around me is so- cold! I feel like I did something to turn him this way, but I don't have any idea what it is. If I made a mistake, I'd apologize, but I have no what I could have done. Thinking about it sends this shock throughout my veins- like a bullet piercing my heart as if it was made of paper. There's got to be something I can do to make him open up to me- but what??
"Tai?"
I turn back to face the warm though concerned eyes that are staring inquisitively at me. "Yeah?" I ask, not bothering to try and pretend that I'm feeling better than I am. Sometimes I do that- act as if things are all right, even if they're not. I learnt that trick a couple years ago at summer camp. You kind of get stuck with duties like that if you're the leader. Having to grow up before you want to- stuff like that.
"Are you okay? How is he?"
"I don't- I don't know…"
I can't really answer either of the questions, as I'm not really sure.
Am I okay? Who am I to say? Yeah- I should be fine, but I sure don't feel it. He's supposed to be my best friend- but can he say the same about me?? What kind of friend am I if I'm not even someone you can confide in?
And how is he?? Oh, he's just as fucking fine as he was ten minutes ago. The only reason he gives me a goddamn ring is so that I can drive his dad somewhere. Whoopie. Note the enthusiasm.
All I want to do right now is curl up somewhere and just cry for a while.
Sora must've seen the look on my face, as she's now got both arms around my neck. This time it's not a "come-here-so-I-can-screw-you" hug, but more of the kind that someone would give you if your dog had died.
"Thanks." I murmur. I bet I don't sound that grateful, but I am. And she can tell, too. That's one of the great things about her- she's always aware of how the rest of us are feeling.
She just winks, then helps me up. It's sort of obvious that the moment is gone, so we make an unsaid mutual decision to just walk. I wrap a jacket around my waist so that the- uh… 'stain' isn't so visible, then begin following after her. I don't know where to- and I don't care either. Just as long as it's with her. It doesn't hurt as much when she's around.
***
Look at the stars,
Look how they shine for you,
And all the things that you do.
God, am I a dick or what?
I could even hear his voice cracking over the telephone transmissions- he hated having to listen to me like that. I don't know why I insist on being such an asshole do him, it's not like it makes me feel any better- and it's not like it would take a lot of extra effort to just be nice either. But sometimes I can't.
Yeah, maybe I'm still bitter, and yeah, maybe it's a stupid thing to hold against someone else. What can I say?
I fumble with the phone and force it onto the receiver, gazing outside at the kids down below me, most of them playing soccer. Kind of reminds me of when we were little.
I guess you're probably wondering what brought around this change to want to suddenly drop the friendship and let it be mangled beyond recognition, so it's only fair to tell you.
It's been about 3 months since I've gone out with Sora. It's not like I didn't want to anymore, or that I don't want her- even now.
I just hurt her too badly the first time...She wouldn't be able to withstand another emotional blow like that. It would literally crush her. What had happened that night is still illustrated in my brain; playing over and over again. Of course, it was my fault that the whole relationship was destroyed, but still...I don't know...I wish I could have known what to do to prevent it.
It all began in the first little while that I started getting really involved with the band. I had been constantly hanging out with some 'friends', as they liked to call themselves, of the group, and as a consequence repeatedly turned up late for any of my appointments. Dentist checks, doctor's examinations, dates with my girl, you name it.
She began to get worried and would constantly ask where I had been and why I was late *again*. But despite her persistence, I wouldn't give in. I just kept on making excuses and told her not to worry about it. I should have stopped right then. My health was deteriorating- becoming addicted to alcohol and assorted drugs tend to do that to you.
One night, Sora finally let her consciounce get the better of her, and decided to follow me out one night. Maybe not the smartest move on her part- but hey. I guess she was distressed.
Unfortunatly my 'allies' found her before I did and prepared to beat the living shit out of her. They were really going to sever her body into pieces… And I couldn't do anything about it. Fear had frozen me until I was in a state of paralysis.
So, what happened? Was she beaten to death?
No...
Her night in shining armor swooped in and rescued her. *Tai* had showed up and drove her to safety. She had come out absolutely unharmed physically, but mentally was another story...
The cruel words still echo through my ears. It's like they've been burned into my mind.
"If you had just told me Matt, none of this would have happened! Why were you hanging around those idiots anyway? Why do you insist on leaving me in the dark all the time!?"
"You wouldn't understand..."
"Maybe I could if you'd just *tell* me~!"
"Look Sora, just drop it..."
"How can I drop it! Either one of us might've been killed! And all you can say about it is 'drop it'?"
"You don't get it...I need to have my privacy-"
"Matt, your privacy and letting me know why you can't show up for one fucking date, are two different things! If it wasn't for Tai, I might be dead right now~!"
"Oh then why don't you go out with *Taiiii*?" I hissed the words in a mocking tone, though I don't really remember why. Jealous, I guess, though I didn't really have a reason to be.
"STOP IT! WHY WON'T YOU JUST LISTEN TO ME?!?!!!"
"Okay, okay, I'm listening. See my listening??" I leaned over in her direction with my hand next to my ear as if she was whispering and I needed aid in hearing her. "Can you see me listening yet??? DO YOU SEE ME LISTENING YET!?!?! God~! How can I work properly with you peering over my shoulder all the time-"
By now we had both began screaming and tears were flying from her poor eyes.
"DONT YOU GET IT MATT!? I CARE ABOUT YOU! THAT'S WHY I FOLLOWED YOU! I DIDN'T WANT YOU TO GET HURT! WHY THE HELL CAN'T YOU GRASP THIS CONCEPT??"
I backed off a little.
"I'm sorry Sora...I've just...never been very good at being truthful all the time. I feel like there's always *something* that I have to be hiding..."
I put my arm around her and pulled strands out of her face to comfort her, but she just kept going...
"I can't do this..." She sobbed into my shoulder, "I can't go through this any longer...We're too different Matt...I can't see you any more if you can't even talk to me. We're going out- we're supposed to be a couple! But you're afraid to tell me things?? Are you afraid of how I'll react- or what? I need to know if there's something hurting you!"
"S-So what are you saying?" I had asked, afraid that I already knew the answer.
"I'm-" She paused. "I'm sorry, Matt… I hate to do this…but all I can do now is to break it off. I'm so sorry. I just can't handle this anymore...it's too hard on both of us! You know that, Yamato~!"
"No…" I pleaded quietly, *my* eyes starting to water as hers were. "Please Sora, no…" I began begging quietly, she couldn't be serious- could she? "No...We can fix it, can't we?...I'll try harder...I really will..just please don't end it..I love you, Sora...I really do.."
At this point I had kissed her neck softly but she had pulled away instantly, a lot angrier than I had expected. She forced her palms against me and began pushing away.
"STOP MATT! You're making this harder then it has to be! Can't you see that I'm in pain too? I can't take this..." She looked around feverishly, staring around until she found the door. "I need to get out of here..I-I-I need to leave..." She jerked up, grabbed her bag, then headed towards the exit.
She was getting up to go- leaving me alone with my tears. I tried to follow her, but she had spun around, crying harder then ever, and let her hand crush against the side of my face. "Stop it, Matt! Please, stop it! God, Don't you see how much this is killing me??"
But it couldn't have been hurting her half as much as it was destroying *me*. It tore me up- and I cried hard for weeks after. I had been to one to destroy the only good thing in my life.
She had gone to Tai after that, and from then on that's how it had been...Tai and Sora...Sora and Tai. The perfect couple. The thought of it just makes me want to cry all over again. Seeing them together- it's painful. Sometimes all I want is to just black out so I don't have to watch them.
Suicide? Nah, I'm not that far along the line. I could say some crap like- "I've got too much to live for…" even though in truth I don't. One of the only good reasons is dad- without me they'd probably shove him into a home.
And then there's T.K.
If I left him- just like *that*, he'd probably end up hating me forever. I don't know why I care so much- I guess I'm just afraid of screwing him up by doing something stupid. Whether I give a damn or not, he'd probably miss me, which I don't want. Besides, I had already fucked up that kid's brain enough, the least I could do is stick around and pretend that I'm happy while I'm watching him grow up.
Whatever.
I'll just play pretend. I'm good at that. Pretending that I'm happy- pretending that I'm carefree- pretending that I *don't* feel like crying every five minutes. It seemed to work before, why not now??
Clutching my digivice tightly in one hand, I occasionally throw it up into the air, then try challenging my brain by catching it afterwards with the other hand. I try to perk up. Gabumon would have a fit if he saw me acting like this. I look absolutely pathetic.
Either way- it's late, so I decide to bring dad his lunch. Then maybe I can go sleep for a while. I know, I know…sleep now? During the middle of the day?
Why not?
It's better then hanging around here in reality.
***
Look at the stars,
Look how they shine for you,
And everything you do,
Yeah, they were all yellow.
After getting home later that night, I played Monopoly with Kari for an hour or two until she managed to own every property on the board and sucked all the money out of my storage.
Then I went and grabbed something to eat and brought it into my room, then locked myself in there for a while.
I'm sitting on the side of my bed now, eating something that I think is pizza, though it's always sort of hard to tell at my place. Mom isn't exactly the best cook- she believes that flour is some a sort of little plant that grows in the front of our apartment.
Sora left for her place a while ago, then called me to make sure I was alright. See? Who else would care enough to do something like that? Everyone believes I'm 'tough' or 'macho', but sometimes it's nice to know that someone gives a damn how you're feeling, even if it is only once in a while.
Kari also wanted to know what was wrong with me, though I still don't see how she figured out that something was up. There's something unnatural about how she can *always* tell if you're being bothered. Unlike me- when I was little and told me something was bugging them, I'd probably chuck a soccer ball at their head and tell them to snap out of it.
I stare over at the computer perched on top of the desk, a little red light blinking from it every once in a while.
How long has it been since I last got to see you, Agumon? You visited in the real world a little while ago, but other than that, seeing you just seems sort of like a memory. A blurred picture in my brain.
Curiously, I get up off of my bed and hold my digivice up to the light, inspecting it with my vision.
It looks like it's in okay shape- a little dirty- but other than that, it seems fine.
I guess I'm just feeling bored, or maybe a bit interested, but either way- an engaging idea pops into my mind.
Normally I don't encourage going into the digital world alone- someone always ends up getting partially squashed or almost destroyed… But it would only be for a little while. A visit- I guess. And I don't plan on doing anything but paying my digimon a visit. It could be that I'm sort of lonely at the moment, either way, I felt like having some company, and who better to see than somebody who spent most of their life waiting for *you*?
The only problem was that I would have to use a digivice belonging to someone who was part of the younger group of kids. Lucky for me, I happened to be living with one.
I slink over to her side of the room, pawing through her backpack. Good god, the child is organized. It's no wonder that all the teachers love her…
Finally a little pink object comes into view. At first I get the idea it's a calculator or something, but after scanning it more carefully, I note that it's really what I've been looking for. I quickly dive my hand in and grab it, clutching it as if entranced then hurrying back over to the computer.
"DIGIPORT- OPEN!" I don't really mean to yell it, just incase Kari gets suspicious and tries to get in, but I'm not sure if it works otherwise. I've never tried.
I feel the old sensation sucking my body into the computer, a weird stimulation as if you've been dropped into water then remain suspended in it- unable to touch the floor or anything else around you. My hands dangle anxiously at my sides until finally I land on the ground again with a loud thud.
Shaking my head wearily, I look around a bit at my surroundings, then search for the little orange dinosaur. The vast multicolored trees stretch out on both sides of me, as well as the bluish pink grass.
"AGUMON!?!?" I shriek into the empty air, though I'm not given any reply.
Maybe this *wasn't* the best idea. This parallel world is huge- trying to find someone in these circumstances was sort of- hopeless.
I pocket Kari's tiny machine and promise myself to take good care of it, beginning to walk in what seemed like north. Its sort of hard to tell when you have absolutely no idea which way you came in, which way you're going, or which way you've been.
Walking along for the first while wasn't so bad, I guess, but after what seemed like hours, my feet began to feel exhausted. Yes, I am a champion striker in soccer, but that didn't mean that I can go miles without collapsing on the ground and dying from dehydration.
When I had left my room, it had been approaching night- around 8 o'clock.
Now the sky had changed from a sweet shade of marmalade and lavender to a navy blue that corroded everything in my atmosphere. The plants didn't seem so friendly anymore, and the little amount of light that had decided not to leave was beginning to trickle away before my hazel eyes.
The area around me wasn't like a jungle anymore, but instead sandy and archaic- I'm surprised that there weren't tumbleweeds blowing into me every two minutes.
I don't really know why I'm still going, but I guess it's cause I have no urge to turn back yet. I have a feeling that this might come back to bite me in the ass, but it's not like anyone will care at the moment. As long as I'm there for breakfast, mom won't notice…
It has to be about midnight now, back at home, and I wish that Agumon would just hurry up and show himself so that I could turn around and head back to my warm, soft bedroom.
Come to think of it- which way *is* back?? Isn't it-… Aw, fuck.
I'm lost.
Well, there's no reason to try going back now, I'll probably end up running around in circles. If I'm not back by- oh, the end of next week, maybe someone will come in and look for me. Hopefully, they won't be as dense though, and will actually take the time to figure out the *right* way before they come running in.
I sigh.
I truly am an idiot.
Usually when I'm directing others, I take more time to think out what we're going to do. After all- if you screw up, they take the blame. They're the ones who have to worry about getting incinerated because of your stupid blunder. When I'm alone, I don't have to think about that as much- but that means that I don't think up to that degree- period.
Am I imagining things- or do I actually see something up ahead?
I start walking towards it, even though it's probably just an illusion, and chances are that I'm going to fall off of some big-ass cliff, then drop into oblivion.
It looks like some sort of well- or something, though I'm not totally sure. What the hell is it doing in the middle of nowhere? Then again, what the hell am *I* doing out here, in the middle of nowhere?
I step over closer, deciding to see what's inside. Once my fingers touch the rim of it, they retract immediately. God, the stone is freezing… Strangely enough, if you look down deep enough, it seems like there are two blocks missing. One of them's got an impression in it like the crest of- knowledge, I think… and the other one is…
…Friendship?…
Yeah, this seems vaguely familiar. I remember the two of them telling me where they had found their crests- this seemed like an appropriate place for them to turn up.
The more I concentrate on the markings, the more I want to reach down a hand and touch one. Childish, I know, like a little kid who wants to 'touch the pretty shiny bauble.' I delicately let one of my hands slip along the side of the well, though suddenly there's some fierce light blasting at me.
What the hell?!
An earsplitting scream escapes my parted lips as I topple down, clutching the areas near my hands. My wrists-they feel like they're burning~! Except it's worse- as if they've been sliced the shreds…
I hold them closer to my body, trying to make whatever it is stop. I can't see any blood, but I can sense it- slipping cautiously down my arms then off again. It doesn't make any sense-… I try to touch them- to wipe away the imaginary liquid, but it doesn't work. "Stop it~!" I cry to no one in particular, "God, please stop it~!!!" Nothing I'm doing seems to be helping, but I can't stop moving. It's too fucking painful…
Yet again, another perturbation erupts from my skin, but this one doesn't hurt as much. Actually- it feels good. Another transparent fluid dribbles over the tender areas, cool and relieving- sort of like water.
I stumble back over to the rock structure, though it's like I can't control my feet. The sand catches hold of them and drags down. My knees sink into the awaiting grains of dust. I attempt to stay upright, but I feel dazed and my frame refuses to do what I order it to do. There's a sharp cracking noise as my head chips the side of the construction, and a jolt to my skull. I begin to teeter until I eventually slide onto the flocculent ground. Another stinging sentiment passes over me while I can barely see ahead. I hear a faint clicking noise from below and I hold up the source of it so that I figure out why.
My digivice?
It's now flashing and blinking at a rapid pace, but the thing that surprises me even more is the picture that's now displayed from it.
It's a crest- though not mine…
I don't understand… This symbol belongs to Matt- not me.
Maybe it's confused… That's the only excuse for it…
But how do machines get confused??
I'm not allowed to think about it anymore, as my head descends onto the ground where I'm free from the piercing of my skull.
***
I came along,
I wrote a song for you,
And all the things you do,
And it was called "Yellow."
One of the most painful parts about the whole operation was trying to peel the tissue off of the wound without letting it burn too much. I have become a professional at this, therefore the prickling doesn't hurt anymore. Hell- nowadays it doesn't impale me as much as I wish it would.
I'm a son of a bitch to the world anyway- I deserve it.
I clean the beautiful knife, careful not to injure any part of it then folded it up and slipped it back into my pocket.
Everything in my surroundings hint that it's night out- the coruscating sky, the murky shadows, even the amiable breeze that sifted through my blond hair. I can taste the frozen air circulating around me- tempting my lips to try and take a sip of the wind.
Out of nowhere, I feel a stabbing sensuous wrenching at my head. I jerk to the side, trying to escape it, but it doesn't stop. There's this tiny tickling solution crossing my forehead that I try to rub away with my index finger, but it doesn't do anything. I moan in agony, though careful to keep my voice down. The last thing I want is for dad to try and get out of bed in his condition…
There's another whirring noise that suddenly hits my ears, so I turn round to face it. I can't see anything though, until I gaze down upon the little mechanism in my pocket.
What's wrong with my digivice?!? It looks like it's short circuiting…
I shake it a bit but it just continues to flash insanely. The throbbing in my head is only getting worse, though I don't comprehend where it came from… If it had been a headache, I could have absorbed it, but it didn't feel anything like that; more like someone had taken a gun and tried shooting me in the head.
I'm trembling like crazy now, so I try to stagger back to my room, ignoring the sweat and unreal blood that was secreting from my brow. My vision is alleviating swiftly and I can barely tell what's in front of me. Getting to my chamber proves to be harder than I thought it would be- as I keep on stumbling into walls and assorted crap that's lying on the floor.
I catch myself whimpering a bit from the anguish and instantly stop. God, I'm acting like a wuss… There's got to be some logical explanation for it…
I'm probably just sick.
Yeah, that's it.
A new bug going around.
Nothing to worry about.
These thoughts were a temporary justification for the irrational events that were occurring.
I don't like any of it, but I have no idea what else to think. There could just be something wrong with me… Or maybe I'm just imagining all of it. Maybe this is all just one big illusion.
But then again, that wouldn't explain the grave severing feeling.
I open the door to my room, flick on a lamp, then head over to the closet where I pull a bottle of Tylenol out and pop two of the miniscule pills into my mouth. There, that'll probably get rid of it. I'm sure it'll be gone in a couple of hours- maybe even a few minutes.
I knew I was just kidding myself, but I hit the light switch anyway and crawled over to my bed and settled underneath the covers so that I could be alone with my suffering.
I didn't fall asleep for a couple hours, each minute that crawled by allowing my interest to further explore the question:
Where the hell did that pain come from, and why in God's name won't it go away!?!
***
Now… wasn't that interesting? I didn't originally plan to do that, but it fits in with what I have arranged next anyway. XD
And remember kiddies!!
~Reviews are like presents! Nice to give and even better to receive!!~
( I'm serious! Please review! Even if you think it sucks!! [gibbers] )
But enough with the babbling and Sora bashing! On with the fic~!
***
It's true, look how they shine for you,
Look how they shine for you,
Look how they shine for,
Look how they shine for you,
Look how they shine for you,
Look how they shine.
"Tai- put your hand over--….yeah…like that… and just--…." Sora moans in pleasure while reposing in the grass; her dress being saturated by the dew from the previous night. Her giggling rings out to the people passing as I begin running by hand up along her leg and into her skirt. (OOC: ew...I'm going to have nightmares...)
I savagely thrust myself on top of her, forcing myself up against the wet fabric that clutched to her flesh; sucking the skin on her neck passionately. It's odd- once I get started, it's almost impossible to stop again. You're hungry- and all you want is to get more until finally you're too exhausted to do anything else. The only way to please your craving is keep going until that time comes. Her touch against mine, the sense of her fingernails teasing along my surface, just seeing the smile of delectation on her face tells me that she's enjoying it almost as much as I am.
"Harder…" She shrieks, "Come on, Tai…"
Who am I to say no?
Our torsos move in the same rhythm, both of us feeling aroused to the same level. I admit- I've never actually gone all the way with her, but mostly because neither of us think we're quite ready for it…
At least, not yet. She's not the first girl I've ever gotten seriously involved with, but definitely the one that I had -uh… "Been the most places."
Don't get me wrong- it's not like the only reason that I'm dating her is for the physical part, although that's not too bad either, but I really do love the girl. When she's not around, I think about her- when we get into a fight, god, this susceptible of guilt follows me around until we finally manage to work things out…
She's the most important person in the world to me.
It wasn't always like that though. Before- I cared about Sora, and I would have done anything for her. Bought her lunch, consoled her at any given time, hell, I would have dodged a bullet for that girl! I still would, as a matter of fact.
But I also felt that way about someone else.
Yamato Ishida- what happened to you? He was the best friend that I could have ever asked for, and I would have done anything to make keep him happy. He knew it too-… or at least I thought he did. Maybe he just forgot.
Either way, soon enough, he started to fall away from me. I had no idea why- though I sure kept asking. He just stopped talking. To me- or anyone else. He just closed himself up to the rest of the world and everyone else in it. Sort of reminded me of when we were in the digital world- you know, the same kind of behavior. And like last time- I don't know what the fuck to do to stop it.
Try to "Be there for him"? Yeah, I've been doing that for almost a year. So far, that plan has been a bomb.
I don't know why the hell I'm thinking about it now, but it just sort of drifts back every once and a while.
"Tai??! Are you alright?? Why'd you stop??"
Some of my thoughts probably bled into my performance.
"Sorry, Love…" I say quickly, "Didn't mean to…" Hastily, I go back to letting my voracious hands tunnel into the back of her shirt, running along as if they're going in some unwritten pattern.
Pressing the crease between my legs against hers, I ignored the erection, which had already stained my pants, and flicked my hair away from my starved eyes. Fuck it- none of us care right now. Getting back into my state of lasciviousness took about 2 seconds, and I don't feel like wasting it. There was nothing to stop me…
RING!
Damn cellphone~! It's times like these that I wish that I hadn't wasted a month working for one…
"Mmm…ignore it…" She says with her mahogany hair flashing mischievously in front of me.
I smirk a bit.
"Wish I could…" I reply, groaning a bit myself, "But last time that happened, it was mom and I ended up being grounded for 3 weeks." Gently, I untwist the two of us then I hold her up a bit and let her park on my lap so that I'll be able to pull the little device out of my pocket. Then I speak into the phone, "Hello? Tai Kamiya speaking…"
"Hey, Tai."
I almost knock Sora off of me while exclaiming, "Matt?!? Is that you?"
"Yeah. Don't sound so surprised."
I try to get a better hold of myself. Yeah, I know I must sound like a twit- going off like that for no reason- but trust me, it wasn't that crazy. Matt hadn't called me in- god, I can't even remember how long it's been. Ages…
"Hey, Matt, I'd love to talk, but I'm sort of-"
"Just shut up and listen. It won't take long."
I open my mouth to say something more, but I'm not given the opportunity. I don't mind much though- anything that came out of my mouth would have probably sounded dumb or neurotic.
"Look- I need a ride tomorrow. I've got to take dad to the hospital. Think you could make it over?"
The way he speaks seems so unnatural. Just fractured pieces of sentences instead of full lines that might actually be able to *tell* me something. Of course though- there's no way in hell I'd admit that to him. It's just that I never know what the hell is going on in his mind. "You've got it…" I say promptly, "What time?"
"Around noon."
"Okay, no problem." I agree, "I'll see you later then."
"Yeah. Bye."
Again, I'm not given the chance to say my farewells either, I just hear the brief clicking noise that tells me that he's gone.
I don't understand it! His behavior around me is so- cold! I feel like I did something to turn him this way, but I don't have any idea what it is. If I made a mistake, I'd apologize, but I have no what I could have done. Thinking about it sends this shock throughout my veins- like a bullet piercing my heart as if it was made of paper. There's got to be something I can do to make him open up to me- but what??
"Tai?"
I turn back to face the warm though concerned eyes that are staring inquisitively at me. "Yeah?" I ask, not bothering to try and pretend that I'm feeling better than I am. Sometimes I do that- act as if things are all right, even if they're not. I learnt that trick a couple years ago at summer camp. You kind of get stuck with duties like that if you're the leader. Having to grow up before you want to- stuff like that.
"Are you okay? How is he?"
"I don't- I don't know…"
I can't really answer either of the questions, as I'm not really sure.
Am I okay? Who am I to say? Yeah- I should be fine, but I sure don't feel it. He's supposed to be my best friend- but can he say the same about me?? What kind of friend am I if I'm not even someone you can confide in?
And how is he?? Oh, he's just as fucking fine as he was ten minutes ago. The only reason he gives me a goddamn ring is so that I can drive his dad somewhere. Whoopie. Note the enthusiasm.
All I want to do right now is curl up somewhere and just cry for a while.
Sora must've seen the look on my face, as she's now got both arms around my neck. This time it's not a "come-here-so-I-can-screw-you" hug, but more of the kind that someone would give you if your dog had died.
"Thanks." I murmur. I bet I don't sound that grateful, but I am. And she can tell, too. That's one of the great things about her- she's always aware of how the rest of us are feeling.
She just winks, then helps me up. It's sort of obvious that the moment is gone, so we make an unsaid mutual decision to just walk. I wrap a jacket around my waist so that the- uh… 'stain' isn't so visible, then begin following after her. I don't know where to- and I don't care either. Just as long as it's with her. It doesn't hurt as much when she's around.
***
Look at the stars,
Look how they shine for you,
And all the things that you do.
God, am I a dick or what?
I could even hear his voice cracking over the telephone transmissions- he hated having to listen to me like that. I don't know why I insist on being such an asshole do him, it's not like it makes me feel any better- and it's not like it would take a lot of extra effort to just be nice either. But sometimes I can't.
Yeah, maybe I'm still bitter, and yeah, maybe it's a stupid thing to hold against someone else. What can I say?
I fumble with the phone and force it onto the receiver, gazing outside at the kids down below me, most of them playing soccer. Kind of reminds me of when we were little.
I guess you're probably wondering what brought around this change to want to suddenly drop the friendship and let it be mangled beyond recognition, so it's only fair to tell you.
It's been about 3 months since I've gone out with Sora. It's not like I didn't want to anymore, or that I don't want her- even now.
I just hurt her too badly the first time...She wouldn't be able to withstand another emotional blow like that. It would literally crush her. What had happened that night is still illustrated in my brain; playing over and over again. Of course, it was my fault that the whole relationship was destroyed, but still...I don't know...I wish I could have known what to do to prevent it.
It all began in the first little while that I started getting really involved with the band. I had been constantly hanging out with some 'friends', as they liked to call themselves, of the group, and as a consequence repeatedly turned up late for any of my appointments. Dentist checks, doctor's examinations, dates with my girl, you name it.
She began to get worried and would constantly ask where I had been and why I was late *again*. But despite her persistence, I wouldn't give in. I just kept on making excuses and told her not to worry about it. I should have stopped right then. My health was deteriorating- becoming addicted to alcohol and assorted drugs tend to do that to you.
One night, Sora finally let her consciounce get the better of her, and decided to follow me out one night. Maybe not the smartest move on her part- but hey. I guess she was distressed.
Unfortunatly my 'allies' found her before I did and prepared to beat the living shit out of her. They were really going to sever her body into pieces… And I couldn't do anything about it. Fear had frozen me until I was in a state of paralysis.
So, what happened? Was she beaten to death?
No...
Her night in shining armor swooped in and rescued her. *Tai* had showed up and drove her to safety. She had come out absolutely unharmed physically, but mentally was another story...
The cruel words still echo through my ears. It's like they've been burned into my mind.
"If you had just told me Matt, none of this would have happened! Why were you hanging around those idiots anyway? Why do you insist on leaving me in the dark all the time!?"
"You wouldn't understand..."
"Maybe I could if you'd just *tell* me~!"
"Look Sora, just drop it..."
"How can I drop it! Either one of us might've been killed! And all you can say about it is 'drop it'?"
"You don't get it...I need to have my privacy-"
"Matt, your privacy and letting me know why you can't show up for one fucking date, are two different things! If it wasn't for Tai, I might be dead right now~!"
"Oh then why don't you go out with *Taiiii*?" I hissed the words in a mocking tone, though I don't really remember why. Jealous, I guess, though I didn't really have a reason to be.
"STOP IT! WHY WON'T YOU JUST LISTEN TO ME?!?!!!"
"Okay, okay, I'm listening. See my listening??" I leaned over in her direction with my hand next to my ear as if she was whispering and I needed aid in hearing her. "Can you see me listening yet??? DO YOU SEE ME LISTENING YET!?!?! God~! How can I work properly with you peering over my shoulder all the time-"
By now we had both began screaming and tears were flying from her poor eyes.
"DONT YOU GET IT MATT!? I CARE ABOUT YOU! THAT'S WHY I FOLLOWED YOU! I DIDN'T WANT YOU TO GET HURT! WHY THE HELL CAN'T YOU GRASP THIS CONCEPT??"
I backed off a little.
"I'm sorry Sora...I've just...never been very good at being truthful all the time. I feel like there's always *something* that I have to be hiding..."
I put my arm around her and pulled strands out of her face to comfort her, but she just kept going...
"I can't do this..." She sobbed into my shoulder, "I can't go through this any longer...We're too different Matt...I can't see you any more if you can't even talk to me. We're going out- we're supposed to be a couple! But you're afraid to tell me things?? Are you afraid of how I'll react- or what? I need to know if there's something hurting you!"
"S-So what are you saying?" I had asked, afraid that I already knew the answer.
"I'm-" She paused. "I'm sorry, Matt… I hate to do this…but all I can do now is to break it off. I'm so sorry. I just can't handle this anymore...it's too hard on both of us! You know that, Yamato~!"
"No…" I pleaded quietly, *my* eyes starting to water as hers were. "Please Sora, no…" I began begging quietly, she couldn't be serious- could she? "No...We can fix it, can't we?...I'll try harder...I really will..just please don't end it..I love you, Sora...I really do.."
At this point I had kissed her neck softly but she had pulled away instantly, a lot angrier than I had expected. She forced her palms against me and began pushing away.
"STOP MATT! You're making this harder then it has to be! Can't you see that I'm in pain too? I can't take this..." She looked around feverishly, staring around until she found the door. "I need to get out of here..I-I-I need to leave..." She jerked up, grabbed her bag, then headed towards the exit.
She was getting up to go- leaving me alone with my tears. I tried to follow her, but she had spun around, crying harder then ever, and let her hand crush against the side of my face. "Stop it, Matt! Please, stop it! God, Don't you see how much this is killing me??"
But it couldn't have been hurting her half as much as it was destroying *me*. It tore me up- and I cried hard for weeks after. I had been to one to destroy the only good thing in my life.
She had gone to Tai after that, and from then on that's how it had been...Tai and Sora...Sora and Tai. The perfect couple. The thought of it just makes me want to cry all over again. Seeing them together- it's painful. Sometimes all I want is to just black out so I don't have to watch them.
Suicide? Nah, I'm not that far along the line. I could say some crap like- "I've got too much to live for…" even though in truth I don't. One of the only good reasons is dad- without me they'd probably shove him into a home.
And then there's T.K.
If I left him- just like *that*, he'd probably end up hating me forever. I don't know why I care so much- I guess I'm just afraid of screwing him up by doing something stupid. Whether I give a damn or not, he'd probably miss me, which I don't want. Besides, I had already fucked up that kid's brain enough, the least I could do is stick around and pretend that I'm happy while I'm watching him grow up.
Whatever.
I'll just play pretend. I'm good at that. Pretending that I'm happy- pretending that I'm carefree- pretending that I *don't* feel like crying every five minutes. It seemed to work before, why not now??
Clutching my digivice tightly in one hand, I occasionally throw it up into the air, then try challenging my brain by catching it afterwards with the other hand. I try to perk up. Gabumon would have a fit if he saw me acting like this. I look absolutely pathetic.
Either way- it's late, so I decide to bring dad his lunch. Then maybe I can go sleep for a while. I know, I know…sleep now? During the middle of the day?
Why not?
It's better then hanging around here in reality.
***
Look at the stars,
Look how they shine for you,
And everything you do,
Yeah, they were all yellow.
After getting home later that night, I played Monopoly with Kari for an hour or two until she managed to own every property on the board and sucked all the money out of my storage.
Then I went and grabbed something to eat and brought it into my room, then locked myself in there for a while.
I'm sitting on the side of my bed now, eating something that I think is pizza, though it's always sort of hard to tell at my place. Mom isn't exactly the best cook- she believes that flour is some a sort of little plant that grows in the front of our apartment.
Sora left for her place a while ago, then called me to make sure I was alright. See? Who else would care enough to do something like that? Everyone believes I'm 'tough' or 'macho', but sometimes it's nice to know that someone gives a damn how you're feeling, even if it is only once in a while.
Kari also wanted to know what was wrong with me, though I still don't see how she figured out that something was up. There's something unnatural about how she can *always* tell if you're being bothered. Unlike me- when I was little and told me something was bugging them, I'd probably chuck a soccer ball at their head and tell them to snap out of it.
I stare over at the computer perched on top of the desk, a little red light blinking from it every once in a while.
How long has it been since I last got to see you, Agumon? You visited in the real world a little while ago, but other than that, seeing you just seems sort of like a memory. A blurred picture in my brain.
Curiously, I get up off of my bed and hold my digivice up to the light, inspecting it with my vision.
It looks like it's in okay shape- a little dirty- but other than that, it seems fine.
I guess I'm just feeling bored, or maybe a bit interested, but either way- an engaging idea pops into my mind.
Normally I don't encourage going into the digital world alone- someone always ends up getting partially squashed or almost destroyed… But it would only be for a little while. A visit- I guess. And I don't plan on doing anything but paying my digimon a visit. It could be that I'm sort of lonely at the moment, either way, I felt like having some company, and who better to see than somebody who spent most of their life waiting for *you*?
The only problem was that I would have to use a digivice belonging to someone who was part of the younger group of kids. Lucky for me, I happened to be living with one.
I slink over to her side of the room, pawing through her backpack. Good god, the child is organized. It's no wonder that all the teachers love her…
Finally a little pink object comes into view. At first I get the idea it's a calculator or something, but after scanning it more carefully, I note that it's really what I've been looking for. I quickly dive my hand in and grab it, clutching it as if entranced then hurrying back over to the computer.
"DIGIPORT- OPEN!" I don't really mean to yell it, just incase Kari gets suspicious and tries to get in, but I'm not sure if it works otherwise. I've never tried.
I feel the old sensation sucking my body into the computer, a weird stimulation as if you've been dropped into water then remain suspended in it- unable to touch the floor or anything else around you. My hands dangle anxiously at my sides until finally I land on the ground again with a loud thud.
Shaking my head wearily, I look around a bit at my surroundings, then search for the little orange dinosaur. The vast multicolored trees stretch out on both sides of me, as well as the bluish pink grass.
"AGUMON!?!?" I shriek into the empty air, though I'm not given any reply.
Maybe this *wasn't* the best idea. This parallel world is huge- trying to find someone in these circumstances was sort of- hopeless.
I pocket Kari's tiny machine and promise myself to take good care of it, beginning to walk in what seemed like north. Its sort of hard to tell when you have absolutely no idea which way you came in, which way you're going, or which way you've been.
Walking along for the first while wasn't so bad, I guess, but after what seemed like hours, my feet began to feel exhausted. Yes, I am a champion striker in soccer, but that didn't mean that I can go miles without collapsing on the ground and dying from dehydration.
When I had left my room, it had been approaching night- around 8 o'clock.
Now the sky had changed from a sweet shade of marmalade and lavender to a navy blue that corroded everything in my atmosphere. The plants didn't seem so friendly anymore, and the little amount of light that had decided not to leave was beginning to trickle away before my hazel eyes.
The area around me wasn't like a jungle anymore, but instead sandy and archaic- I'm surprised that there weren't tumbleweeds blowing into me every two minutes.
I don't really know why I'm still going, but I guess it's cause I have no urge to turn back yet. I have a feeling that this might come back to bite me in the ass, but it's not like anyone will care at the moment. As long as I'm there for breakfast, mom won't notice…
It has to be about midnight now, back at home, and I wish that Agumon would just hurry up and show himself so that I could turn around and head back to my warm, soft bedroom.
Come to think of it- which way *is* back?? Isn't it-… Aw, fuck.
I'm lost.
Well, there's no reason to try going back now, I'll probably end up running around in circles. If I'm not back by- oh, the end of next week, maybe someone will come in and look for me. Hopefully, they won't be as dense though, and will actually take the time to figure out the *right* way before they come running in.
I sigh.
I truly am an idiot.
Usually when I'm directing others, I take more time to think out what we're going to do. After all- if you screw up, they take the blame. They're the ones who have to worry about getting incinerated because of your stupid blunder. When I'm alone, I don't have to think about that as much- but that means that I don't think up to that degree- period.
Am I imagining things- or do I actually see something up ahead?
I start walking towards it, even though it's probably just an illusion, and chances are that I'm going to fall off of some big-ass cliff, then drop into oblivion.
It looks like some sort of well- or something, though I'm not totally sure. What the hell is it doing in the middle of nowhere? Then again, what the hell am *I* doing out here, in the middle of nowhere?
I step over closer, deciding to see what's inside. Once my fingers touch the rim of it, they retract immediately. God, the stone is freezing… Strangely enough, if you look down deep enough, it seems like there are two blocks missing. One of them's got an impression in it like the crest of- knowledge, I think… and the other one is…
…Friendship?…
Yeah, this seems vaguely familiar. I remember the two of them telling me where they had found their crests- this seemed like an appropriate place for them to turn up.
The more I concentrate on the markings, the more I want to reach down a hand and touch one. Childish, I know, like a little kid who wants to 'touch the pretty shiny bauble.' I delicately let one of my hands slip along the side of the well, though suddenly there's some fierce light blasting at me.
What the hell?!
An earsplitting scream escapes my parted lips as I topple down, clutching the areas near my hands. My wrists-they feel like they're burning~! Except it's worse- as if they've been sliced the shreds…
I hold them closer to my body, trying to make whatever it is stop. I can't see any blood, but I can sense it- slipping cautiously down my arms then off again. It doesn't make any sense-… I try to touch them- to wipe away the imaginary liquid, but it doesn't work. "Stop it~!" I cry to no one in particular, "God, please stop it~!!!" Nothing I'm doing seems to be helping, but I can't stop moving. It's too fucking painful…
Yet again, another perturbation erupts from my skin, but this one doesn't hurt as much. Actually- it feels good. Another transparent fluid dribbles over the tender areas, cool and relieving- sort of like water.
I stumble back over to the rock structure, though it's like I can't control my feet. The sand catches hold of them and drags down. My knees sink into the awaiting grains of dust. I attempt to stay upright, but I feel dazed and my frame refuses to do what I order it to do. There's a sharp cracking noise as my head chips the side of the construction, and a jolt to my skull. I begin to teeter until I eventually slide onto the flocculent ground. Another stinging sentiment passes over me while I can barely see ahead. I hear a faint clicking noise from below and I hold up the source of it so that I figure out why.
My digivice?
It's now flashing and blinking at a rapid pace, but the thing that surprises me even more is the picture that's now displayed from it.
It's a crest- though not mine…
I don't understand… This symbol belongs to Matt- not me.
Maybe it's confused… That's the only excuse for it…
But how do machines get confused??
I'm not allowed to think about it anymore, as my head descends onto the ground where I'm free from the piercing of my skull.
***
I came along,
I wrote a song for you,
And all the things you do,
And it was called "Yellow."
One of the most painful parts about the whole operation was trying to peel the tissue off of the wound without letting it burn too much. I have become a professional at this, therefore the prickling doesn't hurt anymore. Hell- nowadays it doesn't impale me as much as I wish it would.
I'm a son of a bitch to the world anyway- I deserve it.
I clean the beautiful knife, careful not to injure any part of it then folded it up and slipped it back into my pocket.
Everything in my surroundings hint that it's night out- the coruscating sky, the murky shadows, even the amiable breeze that sifted through my blond hair. I can taste the frozen air circulating around me- tempting my lips to try and take a sip of the wind.
Out of nowhere, I feel a stabbing sensuous wrenching at my head. I jerk to the side, trying to escape it, but it doesn't stop. There's this tiny tickling solution crossing my forehead that I try to rub away with my index finger, but it doesn't do anything. I moan in agony, though careful to keep my voice down. The last thing I want is for dad to try and get out of bed in his condition…
There's another whirring noise that suddenly hits my ears, so I turn round to face it. I can't see anything though, until I gaze down upon the little mechanism in my pocket.
What's wrong with my digivice?!? It looks like it's short circuiting…
I shake it a bit but it just continues to flash insanely. The throbbing in my head is only getting worse, though I don't comprehend where it came from… If it had been a headache, I could have absorbed it, but it didn't feel anything like that; more like someone had taken a gun and tried shooting me in the head.
I'm trembling like crazy now, so I try to stagger back to my room, ignoring the sweat and unreal blood that was secreting from my brow. My vision is alleviating swiftly and I can barely tell what's in front of me. Getting to my chamber proves to be harder than I thought it would be- as I keep on stumbling into walls and assorted crap that's lying on the floor.
I catch myself whimpering a bit from the anguish and instantly stop. God, I'm acting like a wuss… There's got to be some logical explanation for it…
I'm probably just sick.
Yeah, that's it.
A new bug going around.
Nothing to worry about.
These thoughts were a temporary justification for the irrational events that were occurring.
I don't like any of it, but I have no idea what else to think. There could just be something wrong with me… Or maybe I'm just imagining all of it. Maybe this is all just one big illusion.
But then again, that wouldn't explain the grave severing feeling.
I open the door to my room, flick on a lamp, then head over to the closet where I pull a bottle of Tylenol out and pop two of the miniscule pills into my mouth. There, that'll probably get rid of it. I'm sure it'll be gone in a couple of hours- maybe even a few minutes.
I knew I was just kidding myself, but I hit the light switch anyway and crawled over to my bed and settled underneath the covers so that I could be alone with my suffering.
I didn't fall asleep for a couple hours, each minute that crawled by allowing my interest to further explore the question:
Where the hell did that pain come from, and why in God's name won't it go away!?!
***
Now… wasn't that interesting? I didn't originally plan to do that, but it fits in with what I have arranged next anyway. XD
And remember kiddies!!
~Reviews are like presents! Nice to give and even better to receive!!~
( I'm serious! Please review! Even if you think it sucks!! [gibbers] )