So... tired... I don't think I have the energy to write a little opening message, so I'm going to just send you straight into the story. A warning now, t'is very graphic and bloody near the end of the chapter...
***
I swam across,
I jumped across for you,
Oh what a thing to do.
I wail a bit, looking inconspicuously at Matt out of the corner of my eye.
That's got to have been one of the stupidest things I've ever done in my life. What was I thinking!? I regretted the words as soon as they had left my mouth and had starting whining apologies. Of course, that hadn't been enough and soon he had gotten on top of me, threatening like there was no tomorrow.
I can't say I blame him- I mean, if I was in his situation, I know I would have done the same thing, or worse. He continues glancing up from his magazine, not bothering to say anything. I don't hold it against him, though I still feel like an idiot for announcing it as I did. My fingers wander thoughtfully over the stack of tattered magazines on the stand next to me, treading like an explorer
"Hey, Tai…" Someone says, causing me to stare away from the blond boy, "What's the matter? You look like your best friend just died…"
After I take the time to focus properly, I note that it's Jyou; his freshly polished glasses glinting at me from the light. "And I would know…" He continues, looking around edgily at the people nearby.
"Hey…" I reply in a stoned voice. I try thinking of something else to say, but I can't.
"You're here with Matt, right?" He asks, raising an eyebrow and jabbing a finger in his direction.
"Yeah." I say blandly. Not the most original answer, but I've still got this terrible twisting feeling climbing over my stomach, which kind of works as a diversion.
"Yamato Ishida? The doctor would like a word with you…"
A nurse emerges from the palpable doors with chewing gum occupying her mouth and flicking her pen upon her clipboard as if there was somewhere else that she'd like to be. He got up and shot a look over in my direction then steps over to me. I can tell by the expression on his face that whatever he's going to say won't be something that I'll benefit from.
"You can go home now." He says dimly, "We don't need a ride anymore."
"What do you mean??" I ask quickly, "How're you supposed to get-"
"I'll call a cab." He replies tersely while dodging his gaze from me and shooting back behind the nurse and following after her through the exit. I'm tempted to go after him, but Jyou eyes me as if saying 'Don't you *dare*…' Though I don't really understand why, I obey.
Once Yamato has evacuated the room, the doctor's son comes over and asks, "Geeze, what happened to him?? I know he hasn't been the- uh… "perkiest" of people, but that's nothing new… what happened?"
I'm not in the mood to reply, so I just shake my head and murmur "I don't want to talk about it." I think it was better than saying, "Wouldn't you know it?? I told criticized him for trying to take care of his dad, then told him the only family member still with him is going to *die*! Isn't that great."
He just shrugs and reaches out a hand to help me up. "Here-" He says, pulling me to my feet, "Come- walk." I didn't see any objections, so I walked after him, past the dingy waiting room full of people and into the hallways.
"He's probably just stressed…" He says after we're alone in the corridor, "I mean- you know what's going on with his dad…" I feel my stomach well up, causing this sensation that makes me want to vomit.
"Yeah."
"Dad called him up partly because he thinks that- well, Matt's still a teenager…" He continues, looking at the ceiling as if guilty for something, "He's got enough on his mind without his dad there to worry about too…"
"So, what are you saying?" I ask, shaking a bit. The thought worries me for reasons that I can't comprehend. Probably regret still eroding at my intestines, but there's not much I can do about it now.
"Well…" Jyou says, probably deploring that he's said this much, "They just want Matt to be able to live his life, not being dragged down all the time."
"I guess…" I conclude, though I don't really know what going on in his mind- nor do I want to. "Well- I guess if there's no reason to be here- then I should just go…"
"You sure you don't want to stick around?" He asks as I turn around, "He might need somebody to lean on and- you are his best friend…"
"Are you kidding?" I say, trying to fake a laugh but having it come out more like a choked wheeze, "I'd probably end up making it worse…"
***
"Hello, Yamato."
I step into the office where Dr. Kido's sitting down in a large, comfortable looking chair. The whole place is coated in fancy artwork and different pieces of antiques scattered on top of intricately painted cabinets and shelves. Sunlight poured in to the room, washing over his body like a gush of water, warming his skin.
"How are you today?"
"I'm alright." I reply. Yes- even in the presence of someone more important than myself, I still manage to act like a jerk. I don't mean to though- I mean, this guy is responsible for my father's life- it's probably best that I don't get off on the wrong foot with him.
"Please, take a seat…" He says, motioning to the furniture in front of him.
"No, thanks. I'll stand." I reply, wishing that he'd just hurry up and get to the point. I'm not here to listen to the polite babble, I just want to hear his report- or analysis on dad.
He seems a bit taken a back by my answer, but having three sons of his own- he obviously doesn't hold it against me. "As you're probably wondering…" He says, gently, "I've brought you here because I'd like to talk to you about your father."
I nod a bit, with a numb sentiment crawling over me.
"Well- you know that progress has been slim lately, and he still hasn't managed to say much in the last while."
"I know…" I say quietly. "It's just that-if you give him a little more time, I'm sure that-"
"No, Matt…" He interrupts, "You see- we don't have anymore time left… We all know that, and the rest of the staff and I think that it would be best if we-put him into a home."
"That won't be necessary…" I say swiftly, slapping a brief smirk onto my face, "We're doing fine at home and-"
"Come on, Yamato-" He pleads, "Please try and be logical. You're just a kid- you've got too much on your plate…People your age aren't supposed to be left with that much responsibility."
"Oh- it's nothing I can't handle…" I say, trying to cover up again, "And it's not like money's hard-I've got a band and-"
"How long do you think you're going to be able to live off of music?" He asks, peering at me as if deep in thought. "You've got to buy money for the both of you- pay the rent- buy prescriptions; it's too much for someone so young."
"Look- I'm not stuffing him into some damn nursing home." I say, burning into him with my words. "It's not like he's hard to supervise. I can handle the situation on my own."
He stares at me with difficulty. "But for how long?"
I'm beginning to become aggravated with his amount of persisting. "And what do you plan to do with *me*?" I ask bitterly, though I'm pretty convinced I know what he's going to say.
"Well, your mother was saying that she'd be willing to take you- that is, if you wanted to go."
Bingo.
"Why can't I continue living in my apartment?" I demand, "I'll handle the rent on my own, and then paying for my own supply of- you know, vittles shouldn't be that hard to find."
He looks at me with what I think is pity. It's hard to tell.
"We'll have to see." He says, shuffling the papers on his table. I think he had tried to rehearse what he was going to say, though in truth it didn't come out very well. "In the meantime, go home. Take a break for a while. You look like you need it."
I stomp out- with my vision being overrun by red and anger bubbling up from inside of me. Why did *everyone* think that they had to order me around?? Yeah- I admit, the world's not always a piece of cake, but that doesn't mean that I need people hanging off of everything I say or clutching my hand all the time.
Each step I take towards the exit causes my rage to augment more and more until finally I hit the front door with my fist and-
Feel somebody else's hand upon my shoulder.
"Hey, Matt…"
I spun around to face the same wild brown eyes that I had encountered before, but this time they were- softer. I swiftly lift my arm and snatch his fingers off of my muscle. Nobody touches me.
"I-…"
"I don't want to hear it." I stop him in mid sentence, "The only reason you're saying anything is because you feel guilty for what happened before. Okay- you're forgiven. I don't give a fuck. Now get the hell out of here before I'm forced to try and knock you out again."
"No- Matt…" He says in a conscious tone, "It's not that- I just… I heard what happened."
"So?" I ask sharply, "Going to try and tell me 'I told you so'?"
"Please- I'm serious…" He continues, "I wanted to say that if you ever need anybody to- you know… talk to… then I'll be here to listen."
"Thanks- but no thanks." I reply, "I've got other ways to deal with my problems instead of trying to reason with a sniveling brat-" I got up a bit, then flick him as I echo, "--like you."
I know it's taking everything he has not to fly out and try to punch me, but he keeps his cool. Instead, he just extends his hand as a sign of goodwill, though I refuse to take it and continue out the door, holding up my hand for a cab. Once one finally arrived, I got in and left everyone else behind me. Not like they'd care…
***
Cos you were all "Yellow,"
I drew a line,
I drew a line for you,
Oh what a thing to do,
And it was all "Yellow."
I went home with this numb feeling spreading over my body like some sort of acid. Damnit- I hate this…
I'm trying to drown myself in T.V. now, though it's not really working. The only things on are soap operas, kid shows, and other crap like that. Go figure- it's just my luck.
With demoralization starting to get the better of me, I pick up the phone and begin to dial. The tone rings once- twice- three times- then finally:
"Hello, Takenouchi residence…"
"Uh- hello…" I say, still in the sensation like one would feel if they were a sinking ship, "I was wondering if I could please speak to Sora…"
"Yes, just a moment please."
As I listen attentively to the airwaves, I can hear the footsteps going to the stair well then- 'Sora!? Tai's on the phone!' And lastly, the sound of her shoes advancing to the receiver. "Hello?"
"Hey…" I say, trying to sound normal but failing miserably, "How're you?"
"… I'm fine…" She replies finally, "And how about you? You sound-depressed about something…"
I sat back and retold all the events that had occurred since the moment that I got up and waited for her reaction. She was even the perfect audience- she'd gasp and moan and tsk at all the right times. By the end she had started repeating the phrase, "Oh, Tai…oh, *Tai*…"
"I'm such an idiot…" I say silently, "I don't even know why I *said* it. I mean- it was stupid, and I should have known that…" I run my fingers through my hair, trying desperately to think of what to do next.
She doesn't really say anything for a while, but just coos gently. "Calm down, Tai… it can't be helped… What's done is done, you can't go back and change it. There's no point beating yourself down about it…"
I sigh a bit. I know that she's right, but it's hard not to beat yourself down after pulling off something as moronic as that.
"You wanna come over for a bit?" She says in her soothing voice, "Just to talk. I have the feeling that you sort of need it right now."
"Yeah- alright…" I agree, "I'll see you in fifteen minutes."
"I love you…"
"I love you, too…"
Click.
I hang up the phone cautiously, making sure that I don't manage to screw that up like I have been doing to everything else at the moment…
***
Your skin,
Oh yeah your skin and bones,
Turn into something beautiful,
And you know for you,
I'd bleed myself dry for you,
I'd bleed myself dry.
I slam the door to my apartment and don't even bother to go to the bathroom sink. The kitchen basin will be fine for now…
My hands lurk into my back pocket where they hungrily pull out the knife and fling the blade into view. It shines savagely and I the suspense is almost killing me- as I rinse it with a quick drench of water and press it onto my hide.
God damn; that was a little -too- hard…
Aw, hell, this day has been absolutely fucked, I deserve a good scar to show for it.
The explosion of pain is more intense then any I've ever felt before- and the energizer shot through me is unbelievable. My eyes are beginning to water immensely… I imagine that it's only because of the sudden jolt, but you'll probably know otherwise.
Its like a drug- For Jesus' sake- it *is* a drug.
They define a drug as something you can get high off of- leaving reality behind. Something that people recommend you don't do because it's *not healthy*. Something that other people will never fucking understand, because they're too happy in their carefree lives to ever notice what people like me have to go through.
Every day- it's like a constant battle with yourself, debating to see whether or not you can survive. But what's the point!? The second that you live through one, you're setting yourself to go and try to live through another. It's like this never ending spiral that just keeps going on and on.
I collapse to my knees with my skin beginning to turn red from the blood and tears staining my figure. Slumping into a ball on the floor, my fingers automatically creep around my legs in a comforting fashion- saturating my clothes even worse then before.
I hate to cry- I don't mind bleeding, but I can't stand to cry. But now that I can actually do it, I hold no expense. If anyone had seen me, chances are they would have laughed out loud from the sight along. I don't know if 'pathetic' is a strong enough word. My whole torso was beginning to look as if it had been soaked by a large pail of red dye. I didn't bother to try and cover up the wounds on my arms- I left them exposed to the world and everything around me. If I can stand to live in it, so can they. With that, I curl myself up even tighter, clenching myself together and rocking gently while waiting for myself to calm down- or at least stop the wailing.
***
Oi, that wasn't supposed to end there, but I couldn't keep going… Not tonight, anyway. I'll try to write some more tomorrow. Thank heaven for summer vacation!!!
~Remember, Sparky! Reviews are like presents! Nice to give away but even better to receive! Please review!~
***
I swam across,
I jumped across for you,
Oh what a thing to do.
I wail a bit, looking inconspicuously at Matt out of the corner of my eye.
That's got to have been one of the stupidest things I've ever done in my life. What was I thinking!? I regretted the words as soon as they had left my mouth and had starting whining apologies. Of course, that hadn't been enough and soon he had gotten on top of me, threatening like there was no tomorrow.
I can't say I blame him- I mean, if I was in his situation, I know I would have done the same thing, or worse. He continues glancing up from his magazine, not bothering to say anything. I don't hold it against him, though I still feel like an idiot for announcing it as I did. My fingers wander thoughtfully over the stack of tattered magazines on the stand next to me, treading like an explorer
"Hey, Tai…" Someone says, causing me to stare away from the blond boy, "What's the matter? You look like your best friend just died…"
After I take the time to focus properly, I note that it's Jyou; his freshly polished glasses glinting at me from the light. "And I would know…" He continues, looking around edgily at the people nearby.
"Hey…" I reply in a stoned voice. I try thinking of something else to say, but I can't.
"You're here with Matt, right?" He asks, raising an eyebrow and jabbing a finger in his direction.
"Yeah." I say blandly. Not the most original answer, but I've still got this terrible twisting feeling climbing over my stomach, which kind of works as a diversion.
"Yamato Ishida? The doctor would like a word with you…"
A nurse emerges from the palpable doors with chewing gum occupying her mouth and flicking her pen upon her clipboard as if there was somewhere else that she'd like to be. He got up and shot a look over in my direction then steps over to me. I can tell by the expression on his face that whatever he's going to say won't be something that I'll benefit from.
"You can go home now." He says dimly, "We don't need a ride anymore."
"What do you mean??" I ask quickly, "How're you supposed to get-"
"I'll call a cab." He replies tersely while dodging his gaze from me and shooting back behind the nurse and following after her through the exit. I'm tempted to go after him, but Jyou eyes me as if saying 'Don't you *dare*…' Though I don't really understand why, I obey.
Once Yamato has evacuated the room, the doctor's son comes over and asks, "Geeze, what happened to him?? I know he hasn't been the- uh… "perkiest" of people, but that's nothing new… what happened?"
I'm not in the mood to reply, so I just shake my head and murmur "I don't want to talk about it." I think it was better than saying, "Wouldn't you know it?? I told criticized him for trying to take care of his dad, then told him the only family member still with him is going to *die*! Isn't that great."
He just shrugs and reaches out a hand to help me up. "Here-" He says, pulling me to my feet, "Come- walk." I didn't see any objections, so I walked after him, past the dingy waiting room full of people and into the hallways.
"He's probably just stressed…" He says after we're alone in the corridor, "I mean- you know what's going on with his dad…" I feel my stomach well up, causing this sensation that makes me want to vomit.
"Yeah."
"Dad called him up partly because he thinks that- well, Matt's still a teenager…" He continues, looking at the ceiling as if guilty for something, "He's got enough on his mind without his dad there to worry about too…"
"So, what are you saying?" I ask, shaking a bit. The thought worries me for reasons that I can't comprehend. Probably regret still eroding at my intestines, but there's not much I can do about it now.
"Well…" Jyou says, probably deploring that he's said this much, "They just want Matt to be able to live his life, not being dragged down all the time."
"I guess…" I conclude, though I don't really know what going on in his mind- nor do I want to. "Well- I guess if there's no reason to be here- then I should just go…"
"You sure you don't want to stick around?" He asks as I turn around, "He might need somebody to lean on and- you are his best friend…"
"Are you kidding?" I say, trying to fake a laugh but having it come out more like a choked wheeze, "I'd probably end up making it worse…"
***
"Hello, Yamato."
I step into the office where Dr. Kido's sitting down in a large, comfortable looking chair. The whole place is coated in fancy artwork and different pieces of antiques scattered on top of intricately painted cabinets and shelves. Sunlight poured in to the room, washing over his body like a gush of water, warming his skin.
"How are you today?"
"I'm alright." I reply. Yes- even in the presence of someone more important than myself, I still manage to act like a jerk. I don't mean to though- I mean, this guy is responsible for my father's life- it's probably best that I don't get off on the wrong foot with him.
"Please, take a seat…" He says, motioning to the furniture in front of him.
"No, thanks. I'll stand." I reply, wishing that he'd just hurry up and get to the point. I'm not here to listen to the polite babble, I just want to hear his report- or analysis on dad.
He seems a bit taken a back by my answer, but having three sons of his own- he obviously doesn't hold it against me. "As you're probably wondering…" He says, gently, "I've brought you here because I'd like to talk to you about your father."
I nod a bit, with a numb sentiment crawling over me.
"Well- you know that progress has been slim lately, and he still hasn't managed to say much in the last while."
"I know…" I say quietly. "It's just that-if you give him a little more time, I'm sure that-"
"No, Matt…" He interrupts, "You see- we don't have anymore time left… We all know that, and the rest of the staff and I think that it would be best if we-put him into a home."
"That won't be necessary…" I say swiftly, slapping a brief smirk onto my face, "We're doing fine at home and-"
"Come on, Yamato-" He pleads, "Please try and be logical. You're just a kid- you've got too much on your plate…People your age aren't supposed to be left with that much responsibility."
"Oh- it's nothing I can't handle…" I say, trying to cover up again, "And it's not like money's hard-I've got a band and-"
"How long do you think you're going to be able to live off of music?" He asks, peering at me as if deep in thought. "You've got to buy money for the both of you- pay the rent- buy prescriptions; it's too much for someone so young."
"Look- I'm not stuffing him into some damn nursing home." I say, burning into him with my words. "It's not like he's hard to supervise. I can handle the situation on my own."
He stares at me with difficulty. "But for how long?"
I'm beginning to become aggravated with his amount of persisting. "And what do you plan to do with *me*?" I ask bitterly, though I'm pretty convinced I know what he's going to say.
"Well, your mother was saying that she'd be willing to take you- that is, if you wanted to go."
Bingo.
"Why can't I continue living in my apartment?" I demand, "I'll handle the rent on my own, and then paying for my own supply of- you know, vittles shouldn't be that hard to find."
He looks at me with what I think is pity. It's hard to tell.
"We'll have to see." He says, shuffling the papers on his table. I think he had tried to rehearse what he was going to say, though in truth it didn't come out very well. "In the meantime, go home. Take a break for a while. You look like you need it."
I stomp out- with my vision being overrun by red and anger bubbling up from inside of me. Why did *everyone* think that they had to order me around?? Yeah- I admit, the world's not always a piece of cake, but that doesn't mean that I need people hanging off of everything I say or clutching my hand all the time.
Each step I take towards the exit causes my rage to augment more and more until finally I hit the front door with my fist and-
Feel somebody else's hand upon my shoulder.
"Hey, Matt…"
I spun around to face the same wild brown eyes that I had encountered before, but this time they were- softer. I swiftly lift my arm and snatch his fingers off of my muscle. Nobody touches me.
"I-…"
"I don't want to hear it." I stop him in mid sentence, "The only reason you're saying anything is because you feel guilty for what happened before. Okay- you're forgiven. I don't give a fuck. Now get the hell out of here before I'm forced to try and knock you out again."
"No- Matt…" He says in a conscious tone, "It's not that- I just… I heard what happened."
"So?" I ask sharply, "Going to try and tell me 'I told you so'?"
"Please- I'm serious…" He continues, "I wanted to say that if you ever need anybody to- you know… talk to… then I'll be here to listen."
"Thanks- but no thanks." I reply, "I've got other ways to deal with my problems instead of trying to reason with a sniveling brat-" I got up a bit, then flick him as I echo, "--like you."
I know it's taking everything he has not to fly out and try to punch me, but he keeps his cool. Instead, he just extends his hand as a sign of goodwill, though I refuse to take it and continue out the door, holding up my hand for a cab. Once one finally arrived, I got in and left everyone else behind me. Not like they'd care…
***
Cos you were all "Yellow,"
I drew a line,
I drew a line for you,
Oh what a thing to do,
And it was all "Yellow."
I went home with this numb feeling spreading over my body like some sort of acid. Damnit- I hate this…
I'm trying to drown myself in T.V. now, though it's not really working. The only things on are soap operas, kid shows, and other crap like that. Go figure- it's just my luck.
With demoralization starting to get the better of me, I pick up the phone and begin to dial. The tone rings once- twice- three times- then finally:
"Hello, Takenouchi residence…"
"Uh- hello…" I say, still in the sensation like one would feel if they were a sinking ship, "I was wondering if I could please speak to Sora…"
"Yes, just a moment please."
As I listen attentively to the airwaves, I can hear the footsteps going to the stair well then- 'Sora!? Tai's on the phone!' And lastly, the sound of her shoes advancing to the receiver. "Hello?"
"Hey…" I say, trying to sound normal but failing miserably, "How're you?"
"… I'm fine…" She replies finally, "And how about you? You sound-depressed about something…"
I sat back and retold all the events that had occurred since the moment that I got up and waited for her reaction. She was even the perfect audience- she'd gasp and moan and tsk at all the right times. By the end she had started repeating the phrase, "Oh, Tai…oh, *Tai*…"
"I'm such an idiot…" I say silently, "I don't even know why I *said* it. I mean- it was stupid, and I should have known that…" I run my fingers through my hair, trying desperately to think of what to do next.
She doesn't really say anything for a while, but just coos gently. "Calm down, Tai… it can't be helped… What's done is done, you can't go back and change it. There's no point beating yourself down about it…"
I sigh a bit. I know that she's right, but it's hard not to beat yourself down after pulling off something as moronic as that.
"You wanna come over for a bit?" She says in her soothing voice, "Just to talk. I have the feeling that you sort of need it right now."
"Yeah- alright…" I agree, "I'll see you in fifteen minutes."
"I love you…"
"I love you, too…"
Click.
I hang up the phone cautiously, making sure that I don't manage to screw that up like I have been doing to everything else at the moment…
***
Your skin,
Oh yeah your skin and bones,
Turn into something beautiful,
And you know for you,
I'd bleed myself dry for you,
I'd bleed myself dry.
I slam the door to my apartment and don't even bother to go to the bathroom sink. The kitchen basin will be fine for now…
My hands lurk into my back pocket where they hungrily pull out the knife and fling the blade into view. It shines savagely and I the suspense is almost killing me- as I rinse it with a quick drench of water and press it onto my hide.
God damn; that was a little -too- hard…
Aw, hell, this day has been absolutely fucked, I deserve a good scar to show for it.
The explosion of pain is more intense then any I've ever felt before- and the energizer shot through me is unbelievable. My eyes are beginning to water immensely… I imagine that it's only because of the sudden jolt, but you'll probably know otherwise.
Its like a drug- For Jesus' sake- it *is* a drug.
They define a drug as something you can get high off of- leaving reality behind. Something that people recommend you don't do because it's *not healthy*. Something that other people will never fucking understand, because they're too happy in their carefree lives to ever notice what people like me have to go through.
Every day- it's like a constant battle with yourself, debating to see whether or not you can survive. But what's the point!? The second that you live through one, you're setting yourself to go and try to live through another. It's like this never ending spiral that just keeps going on and on.
I collapse to my knees with my skin beginning to turn red from the blood and tears staining my figure. Slumping into a ball on the floor, my fingers automatically creep around my legs in a comforting fashion- saturating my clothes even worse then before.
I hate to cry- I don't mind bleeding, but I can't stand to cry. But now that I can actually do it, I hold no expense. If anyone had seen me, chances are they would have laughed out loud from the sight along. I don't know if 'pathetic' is a strong enough word. My whole torso was beginning to look as if it had been soaked by a large pail of red dye. I didn't bother to try and cover up the wounds on my arms- I left them exposed to the world and everything around me. If I can stand to live in it, so can they. With that, I curl myself up even tighter, clenching myself together and rocking gently while waiting for myself to calm down- or at least stop the wailing.
***
Oi, that wasn't supposed to end there, but I couldn't keep going… Not tonight, anyway. I'll try to write some more tomorrow. Thank heaven for summer vacation!!!
~Remember, Sparky! Reviews are like presents! Nice to give away but even better to receive! Please review!~