Sorry this has been taking so long… I've been a bit slower writing lately. Don't really know why. Give me a couple weeks, and I'll probably be over it… But seriously, go and read the fic.
***
So then I took my turn,
Oh what a thing to have done,
And it was all "Yellow."
The doctors have been obsessing about me non-stop ever since I got shipped into the hospital, pumping me with medicine every ten minutes. I had been right in thinking that my hopes of getting them to believe that I might be able to think of dad were instantly crushed the second they saw what I had done. Dr. Kido is going to make me see a psychiatrist as long as I'm in the hospital- but the second I'm out I won't have to listen to what they say anymore.
Tai came in the ambulance with me and I could tell the whole time that he was trying not to start crying just like I was. He held my hand for comfort even though about half way through they put me on anesthetic so that I couldn't feel anything. My mode of letting off steam has everybody worried… They think I'm insane or something. All of them gawk whenever they come to visit- as if they expect me to get out of bed, grab a needle and try to stab myself to death. If truth be-told, I didn't really mean to end up in that bad of shape- it just sort of happened on it's own. I wasn't trying to commit suicide either, it started out as slitting my wrists as I always do. I guess I was just really frustrated at the time. Scared for dad. Everyone says it's a miracle I survived and that after about an hour I should have died. I'm still deciding whether or not I'm glad.
I sit upright in bed, staring outside at the clouded skies and pondering over all that's happened. After something like that- I feel like it should all be over, but it's not. I don't feel any better, just shamed. I had lain on the ground whimpering like a beaten animal waiting for absolutely nothing. I was supposed to vanish from existence on that night, but I didn't. It can make a guy wonder if there might've been a reason for it. I mean, I'm probably just getting all philosophical with no explanation, but I can't help it if I imagine.
I still haven't thanked Tai for coming in when he did. I don't think I really need to though, he comes in and talks for hours sometimes, and I never have to say anything. From just listening to him, I found out that the reason he ran to my place was because of Sora and her worrying. I've tried convincing myself that maybe it was her who had saved me, but it's still not sinking in. I can't tell if I like the company or not- it's still new to me. I'm not sure if I want him knowing that I appreciate the frequent times that he stops by, maybe it's just because I'm afraid of him. Afraid of getting close and getting ripped away again- afraid of being taken from behind by something that he does- afraid of being there for someone else, even when I don't want to be.
I'm pulled from my contemplation as someone knocks on the door gently- causing me to turn my body in the direction of the exit. The nurse walks in holding a clipboard and some flowers which she sets on my table then address' me. "Yamato, you have some visitors…Would you like them to come in?"
'Them'? Meaning there's more than one- so it's probably not Tai.
"I guess you can send them in…," I say in a dazed state, still not regaining myself completely.
The entrance flings open and I suddenly see two familiar faces that both run over and embrace me. First my neck is caught up in a hug by mom, whose soft hair drops onto my face, and then there's the squeeze near my chest that I soon recognize as Takeru.
"Oh, Matt…" She cries, wiping away and stray tears that managed to escape her eyes, "My poor, poor little boy…"
I don't really know what to say, and for once I can't say that I really object to the usage of the term 'little boy'. It feels sort of nice to see her again, ignoring the reason that I'm here. Her grip around me is firm though sensitive…Heh, I guess the only word to describe it would be 'motherly'.
T.K. on the other hand doesn't seem as overjoyed to see me, though he still grabs my hand and keeps this distressed look on his face. Something about it just makes me cringe. He occasionally looks down at the bandages covering my arm in a disapproving manner. Embarrassed, I hide them under the sheets and try to make it as unnoticeable as possible.
"Mom?" He says finally, "Do you think it might be possible for me to talk to him- you know- alone? Nothing personal or anything but-"
She smiles warmly and replies, "No, I understand… Take all the time you need." With that she steps to the door along with the nurse, who seems to have taken a hint.
We sit in silence for a while; I didn't know what to say and him- well, he looked like he was itching to yell something, but didn't exactly know how to say it. His eyes shoot around in what looks like anxiety until he opens his mouth a bit. "Matt?"
"Yeah?" I reply, eyeing him carefully.
"I-" He begins to say, though it appears like he can't end the phrase. Suddenly his expression changes from the downcast annoyed look to one that is weary- almost angry. His two pupils dilate as he shrieks, "How could you, Matt!!!?"
I can't answer- what does he want me to say? How could I 'what'? Ignore him for so long? Pretend that he wasn't there? Blow him off? Try to drift away? Almost kill myself?? Take your pick.
"HOW COULD YOU!?!?!" He screams with his voice cracking. "We wanted to be there for you the whole time!! Mom and I tried to give you some place to go when you were hurt- but you just forgot about us! You should have let us know, Matt, you needed someone!!"
He stops for a moment to catch his breath and I begin to open my mouth to say some sort of excuse, but he interrupts just as I get going. "Tai wanted to help you!! I wanted to help you!! WE ALL DID!! WHY DID YOU LET GO OF US!??? What did we do to push you away!?! We must have done something- now tell me what it was!!!"
Again, I say nothing.
"See!?? There isn't a thing that we did wrong- and yet you still hated us! You hated every one of us, Yamato and with absolutely no incentive!!" His arm jabs my wrist as he grabs it forcefully and lifts it into view, causing me to moan from the sudden movement. "Look what you did to yourself!!" He continues yelling, "Are you proud of it!?! Does it make you happy!?! Does it make you feel any better to run a knife over your skin in hopes that you'll see how much you can bleed!? Is that it!?!"
I wriggle in the bed. What the hell is he waiting for?? Does he want me to start trying to justify everything that's gone on?? Because I can't- no matter how many times I attempt, there's no logical reason for what's happened.
Without warning, he breaks down from the looming position over me and drops to his knees in sobs. I stare at him with my blue eyes penetrating into his. "I- I didn't mean for this to happen…" I say quietly, letting my fingers guide themselves over his hat, pulling it off and roaming through his messy hair, "I didn't want it to go this far… I'm just confused, T.K…" He buries his head into the covers of my bunk. "I swear to God, I didn't mean to hurt either of you…"
"Y-you scared us."
That's all he manages to say before mom comes in again with her hand covering her mouth in a small gasp, then running over to grab the both of us in the fond display.
***
Your skin
Oh yeah, your skin and bones,
Turn into something beautiful,
You know, you know I love you so,
You know I love you so.
"Hello, Sora? This is Tai…" My fingers travel freely along the chord, "I'm going to visit Matt in the hospital- do you want to come with me?"
It's been almost a week since I found him in his apartment, and ever since I've been to see him every day. I guess you could say that I'm still a little worried about him- attitude wise and physically.
"Alright- I'll meet you at the hospital in half an hour."
"Sounds like a plan." I say, "I'll see you then!"
The reason I invited her is because I believe that he should get more human contact than just Taichi Kamiya. I mean, he's probably sick and tired of listening to me rant already, I might as well give him someone else to talk to…
My feet pound along the sidewalk as I try to sprint as fast as I can to my destination, with the wind brushing my hazel hair and sky poisoned with dozens of rain clouds. I'd better pick up the pace before there's a downpour…
Things have calmed down since then, he's under supervision, so I know that he can't go and try to pull another stunt like that. Just thinking about the status his wrists had been in send this river of shivers down my spine. I still don't understand why or how he had chosen to do that, but I guess I'm probably happiest not knowing. On -that afternoon- I had spent the whole night remembering every time that we had gotten together- school, meetings, the car ride; and it all seemed to piece together. The bandages were nothing new to him- No, it had been going on for a while. Trying to make any sense out of it is impossible…
Even now, I can't help thinking that maybe I had something to do with it… The rest of the digidestined and I have gotten together to talk about him and state our concerns- but strangely enough, none of the others noticed it as much as I did. To them, he had just appeared quiet or a little more silent than before- but otherwise there was no personality change that they could see.
But to me- he had taken it upon himself to be rude- cruel even- whenever he got the chance. Like he was pissed off about something.
Maybe I'm just worrying too much.
"Tai! Hurry up-!"
I rotate my head to see Sora standing near the doors of the extensive building, waving at me actively and sporting a large smile on her face.
"I'm coming!" I call, running up behind her and grabbing the other hand while wrapping my arm around her waist. "Let's get inside…" I say rapidly, glancing up at the tormenting skies then pulling her into the building.
***
I swam across,
I jumped across for you,
Oh what a thing to do.
Mom and T.K. left a while ago- by the end we were all wailing again with tears flying all over the place. I guess we've all settled down a bit, and it's been decided that I'm to stay with them for a while after I get out of the hospital. I'm a little relieved, though it still hurts to know that dad's been left in some remote home for old or insane people- all by himself.
"Matt?" The same nurse as before is stationary at the door again, just before. "You have visitors again…It's that boy whose come to see you everyday."
Tai.
"Bring him in…" I call distantly, still gazing outside at the large green tree near the window.
"Hey, Matt…"
What the heck?? That's a *girl's* voice…
I spin around frenetically to see not only -Tai-, but someone else hanging off of his arm.
…Sora…
I know I'm not supposed to hate him, after he saved my life and whatever, but suddenly all my feelings of hatred and bitter envy come fleeting back the second that I see -her- still in his grasp.
Yeah, you could say I'm still bitching over Sora.
It's stupid really- she'll never be mine to kiss again, never be mine to hold again- but that doesn't mean I don't mind that they've taking the liberty to show how much emotional crap they feel for each other in my presence. I'm tempted to tell them to get a room, but until they actually start to grope each other, I don't think I really have the right.
"Hey, Matt…" Tai says gingerly, "How're you feeling??"
"I-I'm alright…" I echo in a quiet voice.
I don't want either of them in here- I want them both to go away. But I can't just throw them out *now*… I could pretend it's time for dinner or that I'm really tired- or some phony excuse like that, but I doubt they'd fall for it.
God, it hurts…
Seeing the both of them together is like having the scab ripped off of a cut over and over again. Except this isn't a scab, it's more like a scar covering my heart that they keep deciding to destroy at will. Seeing him with her in her arms- it demolishes all my hopes of ever making her see how much I love her…
I feel like crying again.
There's this large wrenching feeling tugging at my core, tighter and with more effort every time. I'm afraid that if they ask me any more questions, I probably won't be able to hold it in, and I'll start blubbering all over the floor. Why Tai- why did you have to choose her?? There are millions of girls out there, why did you have to take Sora Takenouchi??
The two look at each other edgily as if I don't notice and he starts to say, "So, how's the food? Are they treating you alright??"
"You would know…" I spurt venomously, "You're here almost half of the time that I am."
He winces and suddenly there's an expression of tremendous hurt corroding his face, though I don't know why. I've tossed insults at him thousands of times, what made that one any different?
"Sora- I'm gonna go get a soda…" he interjects, "Care to come with me??"
"But I- we-"
He shoots her a quick glance and then she nods and says, "Okay- lets go…"
I'm sorry, but that was the worst display of lying in public that I've *ever* seen. They scurry out, looking humiliated and clutching the other as if it were essential to walk.
***
Cos you were all "Yellow,"
I drew a line,
I drew a line for you,
Oh what a thing to do,
And it was all "Yellow."
For some reason, the second that I went in there with Sora- my chest experienced this wrenching sensation as if something were sucking it into nowhere. Some might've called it heart ache, but I don't understand why I got it… It didn't make any sense. But I don't let it bother me- I've got other things on my mind.
"He's doing it again!" I hiss the second that we exit the room.
"Doing what!?" Sora replies, giving me an unusual look.
I throw a glance momentarily back at his bed and stare as he occupies himself by watching the outside. "He's acting like a jerk again…" I mumble, "It's like he just forgot what happened. I was wrong to think that things were better between us- he doesn't need me, nor does he want me around. Let's face it, Sora, by trying to befriend him again, I'm only pushing him further away."
"Don't talk like that…" She says softly, "Maybe he's just in a bad mood today…"
"Or maybe he's just done trying to be nice to me. If he ever *was*…" I jeer slightly, "He makes it hard to tell…"
"Stop it." Sora says with a piercing look, "You know that he had to try and figure all of this out by himself. He's had went through a lot, and the least that we can do is try to be there for him. We're his -friends-, remember?"
"What if I'm tired of trying to put on a happy face just for his benefit!?" I whisper angrily, "He wouldn't do the same for me!! I'm sick of having to pretend that things are okay just for his sake!! I have problems too- why do *I* have to be the one who says that that everything's alright just to keep him content!?"
"Tai- I know that you-"
"It doesn't even do anything!!" I begin to shriek, "It's not like it helps him at all!! He'd probably be 'more delighted' if he could see me in the same condition that I saw him. Except he wouldn't raise a hand- he'd just sit and laugh at me~!! You know why!?! Because he doesn't fucking care~!!!!"
I've reached a level where I'm screaming, though not intentionally at Sora. But everything I said was true, at least according to me and what I've seen of him. He was right when he said he was different- why did I have to go and try to make a big deal out of switching him back!? If he wanted to stay this way, it wasn't my job to butt in…
"Snap out of it!" Sora spits, "I don't even believe that you know what you're saying!! Of course he cares! Don't you remember anything that-"
"You're imagining things!" I snap, "Things have changed, Sora- we both know it! He's not the same person; he doesn't want us hanging around his head anymore trying to order him what to do!!"
"How do you know that!?" She retorts.
"Because he told me~!" I screech back, "He even -told me…" Both our faces lose the sense of fury and drop instantly to one that projected more sadness. She takes a step closer to me but I push a hand in front of me to block her from me. "Look- I've gotta get out of here for a while. I'll call you a little later, alright?"
"No, wait a second, Tai…" She persists, "Let's talk about it- the three of us…You, Matt, and me…"
"It's nothing you have to get into." I shoot back, "I'll deal with it on my own."
"What??" She cries, "You tell me all of -this- and then you expect me to forget it!? Just like that??"
I can't think of a reply, so I just shake my head then proceed to walk out. I swear- you could have cut the bitterness between us with a knife. My eyes dart over to view her expression of torn frustration, though I'm forced to ignore it as I exit with this scornful feeling contaminating my body.
I never asked for any of this; who died and made me leader? Years ago, the blond himself had shown such interest in being head of our party; and now I'm sorry that I didn't ditch the position when I had the chance. The duties that came with it seemed so overwhelming at times, why was it me who was stuck with them? I was rarely given the chance to act like myself- instead, I was constantly being forced to appear happy or cheerful for the *others*. I was always doing things for the others. Just once, I'd like to have one of them return the concern that I showed them, or at least act like they gave a damn.
***
Your skin,
Oh yeah your skin and bones,
Turn into something beautiful,
And you know for you,
I'd bleed myself dry for you,
I'd bleed myself dry.
I can hear every single word of what they're saying, and after a while they don't even make an effort to keep their voices down. What I'm experiencing is a strange mixture of guilt that is yet dabbed with a touch of conniving satisfaction. Yeah, I know, I must be a cruel bastard to find pleasure out of an argument but what can I say? Even if the rules say that I'm not allowed to love her, I still feel a massive rush of emotion crash over me that moment that she enters the same room that I'm lingering in.
She pokes her head through the doorway. "I'm really sorry…" She begins, "But something's come up… We wanted to be able to talk with you a bit, though it doesn't seem like we're not going to get the chance. I apologize…Maybe some other time?" Her whole stature indicates that she's uncomfortable, right from her inconclusive eyes down to her shifting feet.
Yeah- go follow your boyfriend. I could care less. Blow me off for a couple more goddamned minutes with -him-. I don't have to get stressed out over it.
"Okay."
Is that all you want to say to me? I did this all because I still want to be with you; but you're too content with him to see that. Besides, even if you could know what I was feeling, you'd try to forget about it. You've got more *important* things to worry about. Tai, flowers, school, friends, your parents… There's no room for me on that list.
"I'll see you later?" She says slowly. What's she expect me to say? I'm stranded in this damn hospital until they believe that I'm sane enough to go out again without trying to kill myself.
"Sure. It's up to you. I'm not going anywhere."
She tries to put on a timid smile then steps out again, leaving me alone with my only company being the thoughts of rejection and self-pity. I bury my head into my pillow to stop the stinging in my eye-lids and hope that some large energy bomb will engulf me, allowing me to be free from all my problems.
***
[Sighs] Poor Matt, not many good things happen to the guy… But then again, I'm the one who wrote this. :: twitch :: Oi oi… Things do perk up in a bit though. And I did promise you that this was a Taito fic, so that comes too…
…Eventually…
~Remember Kiddies! Reviews are like presents! Nice to give away, but even better to receive!~
Please review!
***
So then I took my turn,
Oh what a thing to have done,
And it was all "Yellow."
The doctors have been obsessing about me non-stop ever since I got shipped into the hospital, pumping me with medicine every ten minutes. I had been right in thinking that my hopes of getting them to believe that I might be able to think of dad were instantly crushed the second they saw what I had done. Dr. Kido is going to make me see a psychiatrist as long as I'm in the hospital- but the second I'm out I won't have to listen to what they say anymore.
Tai came in the ambulance with me and I could tell the whole time that he was trying not to start crying just like I was. He held my hand for comfort even though about half way through they put me on anesthetic so that I couldn't feel anything. My mode of letting off steam has everybody worried… They think I'm insane or something. All of them gawk whenever they come to visit- as if they expect me to get out of bed, grab a needle and try to stab myself to death. If truth be-told, I didn't really mean to end up in that bad of shape- it just sort of happened on it's own. I wasn't trying to commit suicide either, it started out as slitting my wrists as I always do. I guess I was just really frustrated at the time. Scared for dad. Everyone says it's a miracle I survived and that after about an hour I should have died. I'm still deciding whether or not I'm glad.
I sit upright in bed, staring outside at the clouded skies and pondering over all that's happened. After something like that- I feel like it should all be over, but it's not. I don't feel any better, just shamed. I had lain on the ground whimpering like a beaten animal waiting for absolutely nothing. I was supposed to vanish from existence on that night, but I didn't. It can make a guy wonder if there might've been a reason for it. I mean, I'm probably just getting all philosophical with no explanation, but I can't help it if I imagine.
I still haven't thanked Tai for coming in when he did. I don't think I really need to though, he comes in and talks for hours sometimes, and I never have to say anything. From just listening to him, I found out that the reason he ran to my place was because of Sora and her worrying. I've tried convincing myself that maybe it was her who had saved me, but it's still not sinking in. I can't tell if I like the company or not- it's still new to me. I'm not sure if I want him knowing that I appreciate the frequent times that he stops by, maybe it's just because I'm afraid of him. Afraid of getting close and getting ripped away again- afraid of being taken from behind by something that he does- afraid of being there for someone else, even when I don't want to be.
I'm pulled from my contemplation as someone knocks on the door gently- causing me to turn my body in the direction of the exit. The nurse walks in holding a clipboard and some flowers which she sets on my table then address' me. "Yamato, you have some visitors…Would you like them to come in?"
'Them'? Meaning there's more than one- so it's probably not Tai.
"I guess you can send them in…," I say in a dazed state, still not regaining myself completely.
The entrance flings open and I suddenly see two familiar faces that both run over and embrace me. First my neck is caught up in a hug by mom, whose soft hair drops onto my face, and then there's the squeeze near my chest that I soon recognize as Takeru.
"Oh, Matt…" She cries, wiping away and stray tears that managed to escape her eyes, "My poor, poor little boy…"
I don't really know what to say, and for once I can't say that I really object to the usage of the term 'little boy'. It feels sort of nice to see her again, ignoring the reason that I'm here. Her grip around me is firm though sensitive…Heh, I guess the only word to describe it would be 'motherly'.
T.K. on the other hand doesn't seem as overjoyed to see me, though he still grabs my hand and keeps this distressed look on his face. Something about it just makes me cringe. He occasionally looks down at the bandages covering my arm in a disapproving manner. Embarrassed, I hide them under the sheets and try to make it as unnoticeable as possible.
"Mom?" He says finally, "Do you think it might be possible for me to talk to him- you know- alone? Nothing personal or anything but-"
She smiles warmly and replies, "No, I understand… Take all the time you need." With that she steps to the door along with the nurse, who seems to have taken a hint.
We sit in silence for a while; I didn't know what to say and him- well, he looked like he was itching to yell something, but didn't exactly know how to say it. His eyes shoot around in what looks like anxiety until he opens his mouth a bit. "Matt?"
"Yeah?" I reply, eyeing him carefully.
"I-" He begins to say, though it appears like he can't end the phrase. Suddenly his expression changes from the downcast annoyed look to one that is weary- almost angry. His two pupils dilate as he shrieks, "How could you, Matt!!!?"
I can't answer- what does he want me to say? How could I 'what'? Ignore him for so long? Pretend that he wasn't there? Blow him off? Try to drift away? Almost kill myself?? Take your pick.
"HOW COULD YOU!?!?!" He screams with his voice cracking. "We wanted to be there for you the whole time!! Mom and I tried to give you some place to go when you were hurt- but you just forgot about us! You should have let us know, Matt, you needed someone!!"
He stops for a moment to catch his breath and I begin to open my mouth to say some sort of excuse, but he interrupts just as I get going. "Tai wanted to help you!! I wanted to help you!! WE ALL DID!! WHY DID YOU LET GO OF US!??? What did we do to push you away!?! We must have done something- now tell me what it was!!!"
Again, I say nothing.
"See!?? There isn't a thing that we did wrong- and yet you still hated us! You hated every one of us, Yamato and with absolutely no incentive!!" His arm jabs my wrist as he grabs it forcefully and lifts it into view, causing me to moan from the sudden movement. "Look what you did to yourself!!" He continues yelling, "Are you proud of it!?! Does it make you happy!?! Does it make you feel any better to run a knife over your skin in hopes that you'll see how much you can bleed!? Is that it!?!"
I wriggle in the bed. What the hell is he waiting for?? Does he want me to start trying to justify everything that's gone on?? Because I can't- no matter how many times I attempt, there's no logical reason for what's happened.
Without warning, he breaks down from the looming position over me and drops to his knees in sobs. I stare at him with my blue eyes penetrating into his. "I- I didn't mean for this to happen…" I say quietly, letting my fingers guide themselves over his hat, pulling it off and roaming through his messy hair, "I didn't want it to go this far… I'm just confused, T.K…" He buries his head into the covers of my bunk. "I swear to God, I didn't mean to hurt either of you…"
"Y-you scared us."
That's all he manages to say before mom comes in again with her hand covering her mouth in a small gasp, then running over to grab the both of us in the fond display.
***
Your skin
Oh yeah, your skin and bones,
Turn into something beautiful,
You know, you know I love you so,
You know I love you so.
"Hello, Sora? This is Tai…" My fingers travel freely along the chord, "I'm going to visit Matt in the hospital- do you want to come with me?"
It's been almost a week since I found him in his apartment, and ever since I've been to see him every day. I guess you could say that I'm still a little worried about him- attitude wise and physically.
"Alright- I'll meet you at the hospital in half an hour."
"Sounds like a plan." I say, "I'll see you then!"
The reason I invited her is because I believe that he should get more human contact than just Taichi Kamiya. I mean, he's probably sick and tired of listening to me rant already, I might as well give him someone else to talk to…
My feet pound along the sidewalk as I try to sprint as fast as I can to my destination, with the wind brushing my hazel hair and sky poisoned with dozens of rain clouds. I'd better pick up the pace before there's a downpour…
Things have calmed down since then, he's under supervision, so I know that he can't go and try to pull another stunt like that. Just thinking about the status his wrists had been in send this river of shivers down my spine. I still don't understand why or how he had chosen to do that, but I guess I'm probably happiest not knowing. On -that afternoon- I had spent the whole night remembering every time that we had gotten together- school, meetings, the car ride; and it all seemed to piece together. The bandages were nothing new to him- No, it had been going on for a while. Trying to make any sense out of it is impossible…
Even now, I can't help thinking that maybe I had something to do with it… The rest of the digidestined and I have gotten together to talk about him and state our concerns- but strangely enough, none of the others noticed it as much as I did. To them, he had just appeared quiet or a little more silent than before- but otherwise there was no personality change that they could see.
But to me- he had taken it upon himself to be rude- cruel even- whenever he got the chance. Like he was pissed off about something.
Maybe I'm just worrying too much.
"Tai! Hurry up-!"
I rotate my head to see Sora standing near the doors of the extensive building, waving at me actively and sporting a large smile on her face.
"I'm coming!" I call, running up behind her and grabbing the other hand while wrapping my arm around her waist. "Let's get inside…" I say rapidly, glancing up at the tormenting skies then pulling her into the building.
***
I swam across,
I jumped across for you,
Oh what a thing to do.
Mom and T.K. left a while ago- by the end we were all wailing again with tears flying all over the place. I guess we've all settled down a bit, and it's been decided that I'm to stay with them for a while after I get out of the hospital. I'm a little relieved, though it still hurts to know that dad's been left in some remote home for old or insane people- all by himself.
"Matt?" The same nurse as before is stationary at the door again, just before. "You have visitors again…It's that boy whose come to see you everyday."
Tai.
"Bring him in…" I call distantly, still gazing outside at the large green tree near the window.
"Hey, Matt…"
What the heck?? That's a *girl's* voice…
I spin around frenetically to see not only -Tai-, but someone else hanging off of his arm.
…Sora…
I know I'm not supposed to hate him, after he saved my life and whatever, but suddenly all my feelings of hatred and bitter envy come fleeting back the second that I see -her- still in his grasp.
Yeah, you could say I'm still bitching over Sora.
It's stupid really- she'll never be mine to kiss again, never be mine to hold again- but that doesn't mean I don't mind that they've taking the liberty to show how much emotional crap they feel for each other in my presence. I'm tempted to tell them to get a room, but until they actually start to grope each other, I don't think I really have the right.
"Hey, Matt…" Tai says gingerly, "How're you feeling??"
"I-I'm alright…" I echo in a quiet voice.
I don't want either of them in here- I want them both to go away. But I can't just throw them out *now*… I could pretend it's time for dinner or that I'm really tired- or some phony excuse like that, but I doubt they'd fall for it.
God, it hurts…
Seeing the both of them together is like having the scab ripped off of a cut over and over again. Except this isn't a scab, it's more like a scar covering my heart that they keep deciding to destroy at will. Seeing him with her in her arms- it demolishes all my hopes of ever making her see how much I love her…
I feel like crying again.
There's this large wrenching feeling tugging at my core, tighter and with more effort every time. I'm afraid that if they ask me any more questions, I probably won't be able to hold it in, and I'll start blubbering all over the floor. Why Tai- why did you have to choose her?? There are millions of girls out there, why did you have to take Sora Takenouchi??
The two look at each other edgily as if I don't notice and he starts to say, "So, how's the food? Are they treating you alright??"
"You would know…" I spurt venomously, "You're here almost half of the time that I am."
He winces and suddenly there's an expression of tremendous hurt corroding his face, though I don't know why. I've tossed insults at him thousands of times, what made that one any different?
"Sora- I'm gonna go get a soda…" he interjects, "Care to come with me??"
"But I- we-"
He shoots her a quick glance and then she nods and says, "Okay- lets go…"
I'm sorry, but that was the worst display of lying in public that I've *ever* seen. They scurry out, looking humiliated and clutching the other as if it were essential to walk.
***
Cos you were all "Yellow,"
I drew a line,
I drew a line for you,
Oh what a thing to do,
And it was all "Yellow."
For some reason, the second that I went in there with Sora- my chest experienced this wrenching sensation as if something were sucking it into nowhere. Some might've called it heart ache, but I don't understand why I got it… It didn't make any sense. But I don't let it bother me- I've got other things on my mind.
"He's doing it again!" I hiss the second that we exit the room.
"Doing what!?" Sora replies, giving me an unusual look.
I throw a glance momentarily back at his bed and stare as he occupies himself by watching the outside. "He's acting like a jerk again…" I mumble, "It's like he just forgot what happened. I was wrong to think that things were better between us- he doesn't need me, nor does he want me around. Let's face it, Sora, by trying to befriend him again, I'm only pushing him further away."
"Don't talk like that…" She says softly, "Maybe he's just in a bad mood today…"
"Or maybe he's just done trying to be nice to me. If he ever *was*…" I jeer slightly, "He makes it hard to tell…"
"Stop it." Sora says with a piercing look, "You know that he had to try and figure all of this out by himself. He's had went through a lot, and the least that we can do is try to be there for him. We're his -friends-, remember?"
"What if I'm tired of trying to put on a happy face just for his benefit!?" I whisper angrily, "He wouldn't do the same for me!! I'm sick of having to pretend that things are okay just for his sake!! I have problems too- why do *I* have to be the one who says that that everything's alright just to keep him content!?"
"Tai- I know that you-"
"It doesn't even do anything!!" I begin to shriek, "It's not like it helps him at all!! He'd probably be 'more delighted' if he could see me in the same condition that I saw him. Except he wouldn't raise a hand- he'd just sit and laugh at me~!! You know why!?! Because he doesn't fucking care~!!!!"
I've reached a level where I'm screaming, though not intentionally at Sora. But everything I said was true, at least according to me and what I've seen of him. He was right when he said he was different- why did I have to go and try to make a big deal out of switching him back!? If he wanted to stay this way, it wasn't my job to butt in…
"Snap out of it!" Sora spits, "I don't even believe that you know what you're saying!! Of course he cares! Don't you remember anything that-"
"You're imagining things!" I snap, "Things have changed, Sora- we both know it! He's not the same person; he doesn't want us hanging around his head anymore trying to order him what to do!!"
"How do you know that!?" She retorts.
"Because he told me~!" I screech back, "He even -told me…" Both our faces lose the sense of fury and drop instantly to one that projected more sadness. She takes a step closer to me but I push a hand in front of me to block her from me. "Look- I've gotta get out of here for a while. I'll call you a little later, alright?"
"No, wait a second, Tai…" She persists, "Let's talk about it- the three of us…You, Matt, and me…"
"It's nothing you have to get into." I shoot back, "I'll deal with it on my own."
"What??" She cries, "You tell me all of -this- and then you expect me to forget it!? Just like that??"
I can't think of a reply, so I just shake my head then proceed to walk out. I swear- you could have cut the bitterness between us with a knife. My eyes dart over to view her expression of torn frustration, though I'm forced to ignore it as I exit with this scornful feeling contaminating my body.
I never asked for any of this; who died and made me leader? Years ago, the blond himself had shown such interest in being head of our party; and now I'm sorry that I didn't ditch the position when I had the chance. The duties that came with it seemed so overwhelming at times, why was it me who was stuck with them? I was rarely given the chance to act like myself- instead, I was constantly being forced to appear happy or cheerful for the *others*. I was always doing things for the others. Just once, I'd like to have one of them return the concern that I showed them, or at least act like they gave a damn.
***
Your skin,
Oh yeah your skin and bones,
Turn into something beautiful,
And you know for you,
I'd bleed myself dry for you,
I'd bleed myself dry.
I can hear every single word of what they're saying, and after a while they don't even make an effort to keep their voices down. What I'm experiencing is a strange mixture of guilt that is yet dabbed with a touch of conniving satisfaction. Yeah, I know, I must be a cruel bastard to find pleasure out of an argument but what can I say? Even if the rules say that I'm not allowed to love her, I still feel a massive rush of emotion crash over me that moment that she enters the same room that I'm lingering in.
She pokes her head through the doorway. "I'm really sorry…" She begins, "But something's come up… We wanted to be able to talk with you a bit, though it doesn't seem like we're not going to get the chance. I apologize…Maybe some other time?" Her whole stature indicates that she's uncomfortable, right from her inconclusive eyes down to her shifting feet.
Yeah- go follow your boyfriend. I could care less. Blow me off for a couple more goddamned minutes with -him-. I don't have to get stressed out over it.
"Okay."
Is that all you want to say to me? I did this all because I still want to be with you; but you're too content with him to see that. Besides, even if you could know what I was feeling, you'd try to forget about it. You've got more *important* things to worry about. Tai, flowers, school, friends, your parents… There's no room for me on that list.
"I'll see you later?" She says slowly. What's she expect me to say? I'm stranded in this damn hospital until they believe that I'm sane enough to go out again without trying to kill myself.
"Sure. It's up to you. I'm not going anywhere."
She tries to put on a timid smile then steps out again, leaving me alone with my only company being the thoughts of rejection and self-pity. I bury my head into my pillow to stop the stinging in my eye-lids and hope that some large energy bomb will engulf me, allowing me to be free from all my problems.
***
[Sighs] Poor Matt, not many good things happen to the guy… But then again, I'm the one who wrote this. :: twitch :: Oi oi… Things do perk up in a bit though. And I did promise you that this was a Taito fic, so that comes too…
…Eventually…
~Remember Kiddies! Reviews are like presents! Nice to give away, but even better to receive!~
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