Author
Author:
Sarvihaara
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: Everything recognisable belongs to JKR and her wonderful
imagination.
Pairing: Hints of Harry/Ron and Harry/Draco.
Summary: It hurts to know that it goes deeper than that...
Warnings/spoilers: none.
Slip
and Stumble
Oh Harry, how could you have been so wrong?
You've lived your whole life relying on
intuition and gut feelings, that gentle tugging in your stomach. I know, I've
lived and breathed beside you, following your lead as you step over the dangers
and break free from the trapped spaces again and again. They've all been the
right choices when you come to crossroads, saving so many lives as you turn, so
what happened this time? Did we just take it for granted that you could churn
them out and do everything right?
Were we blind to not see this coming or was it
just a slip, a blur of judgement on your part? There's something tugging inside
me Harry, something a little like envy. For perhaps it was something more that
clouded your senses, something only you could understand, you and him. It's
obvious now how stupid we were to think you were invincible.
Your skin blends in with the white sheets, your
dark hair the only contrast. I sit on your temporary bed, watching you shudder,
curled in a ball. The torture inside you radiates from your skin like
electricity, the screaming souls of the recently dead vibrating through your
mind and heart. The hair on my hand responds to the charge of fear and pain and
inner turmoil as I brush a lock of black hair from the deep gash in your
forehead. I close my eyes at the feel of your skin, cold and clammy and just as
soft as it always was.
What made you stop them Harry? You know Malfoy
is one of Voldemort's main supporters; you can guess how many people he's
whispered Avada Kedavera to. And you stopped them from killing him. Why
Harry, why? What happened out there as they surrounded him? What made you
hesitate, whisper no and bring everyone's hearts to the ground? Was it
a look in his eyes, or a reminder of something familiar from school? A burning
of your chest as his desperate eyes stared you down?
No, you whispered. So simple and yet
so final to the brave warriors standing around you. Did you watch his eyes spark
back to life? A smirk of deception grace those pale features? He didn't need
anything more than your moment of hesitation Harry. One second to fill with
strength. I don't know how he thought he could take down so many people at once,
take each of them down and still survive. Maybe staring death in the face does
strange thing like that, or maybe when he looked and death looked back he
realised it wasn't so bad, and so he thought he would go down, but go down
fighting. Maybe it was the seeming impossibility of what he did that made him
successful. The surprise working against you, putting you off guard, lowering
your defences.
You're so trusting Harry, and I love that about
you. But what made you trust *him*? What made you think there was something more
behind those cold hands and chilling slate eyes, something that could resemble
something good, something pure, something whole?
Did you even have time to think Harry, before
he recovered, picked up his wand from the dusty earth and pointed it at each one
in turn, each of the fighters around you? Felling them all, piercing their
hearts, freeing their souls. My chest hurts for you Harry, for the feelings my
imagination knows you felt as he stood over you, broken and bloody in the dirt,
with dead bodies - our allies - scattered around. But he didn't kill you. *He*
couldn't kill *you* either. I don't understand Harry, what passed between you
that stopped you both and resulted in the loss of so many lives.
A rattled sob escapes from inside you, bursting
through the unconsciousness holding you hostage. I shift closer. Dried blood
crusts your cheek, your neck, the innocent, tender skin of your inner arm. I
trace a finger ever so lightly down your flawed neck and another shudder ripples
through your body. Your hand grips my arm, fingers close almost painfully around
my wrist and the strength that draws me closer is surprising coming from your
wrecked, shaking form curled protectively around itself. You hug my arm to your
chest, your arms like rope bonding me, and I shift to accommodate the awkward
but comforting way you cling to me.
A bubble of helplessness rises from my
constricted chest, releasing as a quiet sob. "I'm here, Harry," I
whisper, pressing my lips to your damp temple. "I'm here."
Inner demons shake your insides, rattling your
frail body in my arms as you drift on through unconsciousness. These lost lives,
they'll hang over your head, taunting, torturing. You didn't kill them Harry.
Draco Malfoy killed them, robbed them of life. But I can't take those thoughts
from your head, I can't unleash those demons.
****
The stillness is broken as
Dumbledore and a thin-lipped nurse rush through the tent flap, the makeshift
door of the Red Cross hospital base. I start, swing to face them and see behind
a distressed Hermione looking lost and fragile in the fading light. The sight of
her brings another sob rising in my throat, salty water stinging the red lashes
around my eyes.
"Ron."
I slip off the edge of the bed,
but you hold my arm tightly and I can't step back to let the nurse near you. Let
go Harry, you need the help of the nurse. She pries your fingers painfully from
my skin and I barely take a step before finding Hermione's arms. I grasp her
back, clinging for dear life, unravelling the knot in my chest through sobs
bleeding into her hair.
"How is he?" I hear
Dumbledore ask faintly, and pull away to look expectantly at the nurse.
"He's going to be okay, no
permanent damage."
I look to you again, take in your
white skin now smooth and free of gashes and bruises. But you're still shaking,
still radiating the pain etched deep in your bones.
You're no longer bloody, but it's
painfully obvious that you're still very much broken. Magic can only smooth the
surface, cover over deep ravines of darkness. Magic can't rid you of your mind,
a mind that now holds so much more that can hurt you.
****
Please review!
~Sarvi 2/4/01.
