The world rushed past. A blurred, detached place that held no more allure. Falling. Falling. Falling. Avoid the instinctive urge to summon a wind to support his body and slow the descent. A hard, fast impact to bring eternal oblivion and one could only hope malicious magic would not defy his desire and force him back.
A breath and there was impact, but not of the expected sort. Something crashed into him from the side, bore him into the tower wall with enough force to know the wind out of out him, holding him tightly enough to keep him from gaining it back.
"Nononono." He wailed in dismay. The voices cried out in chagrin.
"Fucking, stupid, idiotic moron!" Irate, oh so irate voice yelling in his ear. He struggled against the hold mindlessly, like an animal trying to escape a snare by gnawing through its own leg. It didn't occur to him to use magic, he had gone so long without having it as a resource to fight back with. An arm tightened around him, fingers tangled in his hair and jerked his head back so hard the bones in his neck protested. It brought to mind the Prophet's habits and the frustrated desire to escape turned to panic.
But it wasn't Angelo's eyes glaring at him, it was Schneider's. There was just as much fury in the gaze though. "What the fuck are you doing?!"
Kall felt tears gathering in his lashes and didn't know if it was disappointment, fury or fear. "Damn you. Damn you. Let me alone!!"
Thirty feet above the earth. So close.
"Like hell!" Schneider yelled at him. The winds buffered them upwards. It was unfair. So unfair. He struggled madly against the embrace, but his strength had abandoned him some undefined time ago and all he did was make Schneider mad enough to shove him backwards when he had brought the both of them back up to the tower roof. Kall-Su sprawled, embarrassed and miserable, desperate to follow the whispers in his head.
"Why can't you ever just leave me alone?" he cried.
"Are you insane? Did he push you that far over the edge? What the fuck do you think you're doing? You want to die?"
"Yes!" He cried back and Schneider lunged down and grabbed him by the tunic, face dark in anger. He thought he would hit him and he cringed. He couldn't help it. He couldn't even hate himself for the show of weakness. Schneider's lip curled in disgust and he let go of him.
"Too damn bad. It's not going to happen."
The desire to curl up and cry was replaced of a sudden by indignation and something halfway bordering on hate. "You arrogant bastard. What do you care?
Since when has it mattered what happened to me as long as it didn't interfere with your convenience? You stopped having a use for me a long time ago, so why bother?"
"You little shit." Schneider leaned so close Kall could feel the whisper of his breath on his skin. His eyes were almost indigo with anger. "That's a good goddamned question. If you want to throw away your life, why the hell should I bother to stop you? Except that I spent too many years making you into what you are and I hate to waste my time."
"Well you did. I didn't deserve it. I shouldn't have ever been born. I killed her. She went to hell because of me. She was right. They were all right."
"What, that spineless bitch who birthed you? God, you're not tearing yourself up over that again? They were self righteous, ignorant fools and your beloved mother was the biggest one of all."
"Don't say that!" Kall cried. "She was the only person who ever cared about me. She didn't drown me at birth because she loved me."
"She didn't drown you at birth because she was greedy and weak and she probably thrived on the attention of being the woman who slept with a demon -- or whatever the hell it really was. If she'd had really cared she would have gotten you the hell out of that place and gone somewhere to escape the ridicule."
"Shut up. You don't know anything. You don't understand."
"I understand Angelo fucked you up. I understand he knew exactly what buttons to push to crack you. You know what he needed of you, Kall? Have you figured that out yet?"
He didn't want to talk about Angelo. He did not want to think about those memories/ sensations / violations. They lurked too close to the surface already.
"He wanted your power. He wanted your body as a host. I told you how he's survived all these years, but did I tell you how he does it? He can't just move in and take up residence. He had to break you so badly you wanted to die. Just give up and welcome death so he could move in without a struggle. He did it didn't he? Got you so badly that you want to finish the job he started."
"You don't understand." He couldn't think straight. He refused to accept that the turmoil in his head was a thing perpetrated upon him and not the result of his own guilt's. He refused to believe he was that malleable. He shook his head and repeated it over and over. Covered his eyes with his hands to shut out the peaceful sky, Schneider, everything.
"She said -- she said that as long as I lived, her sin could not be absolved."
"How do you know she did? How do you know Angelo didn't put it in your head?"
He didn't know. He couldn't separate reality from the dreams anymore. He bent over his knees and silently wept, hating himself. Schneider cursed under his breath, caught him up and pulled him against him. Sat there in the center of the tower roof holding him while reaction racked his body.
"Goddamnit Kall, you're better than this. Whatever demons you have swimming around in your head -- he put them there. Don't let him win."
Schneider was always so sure in his assumptions. Always so damned tenacious in the ways he thought things should be. It was so hard to argue with someone who never backed down and who never believed they could be wrong. Even when the things he was saying might be the means to a salvation that did not involve being broken before a cross dedicated to god.
"I'm not you. I can't wash away the sins and pretend they were never there."
"Do I do that?" There was an actual hint of curiosity in Schneider's voice. Kall couldn't answer.
"Well, maybe I do. Maybe I don't. Who's to say what sin is? Angelo? I don't think so. Geo Note and his self righteous flock of clerics who pretend to know what the gods want? I can tell you that I've met some of their vaunted angels and they're not so steeped in purity. You want to know who I measure my sins by? Yoko. The look in her eyes. You. Arshes and even that clod Gara. Nobody else matters. What do I care what the multitudes think? That I'm doing what the rest of the world thinks is morally acceptable or not? We're not on their level. No matter how low you want to sink to wallow in your precious guilt -- you'll never be on their level. Find something to venerate if you have to, but don't let it be Angelo's lies, or the church or any of the twisted things your misbegotten family told you."
The words dried up. It was probably the most philosophical thing he'd ever heard from Schneider. Probably the most ideological. He was drained and confused. The desire to die was not so strong now as the one to just forget.
It began to rain. A light, early spring pattering of droplets on the stone. It would wash away more of the already fading snow. Northern fields would already have been broken in anticipation of the brief planting and harvest season that graced the cold region. Tilled weeks ago while he was --- gone.
Schneider was getting up, pulling him to his feet after him. He kept his fingers around Kall's arm. "I'm not getting soaked up here. C'mon."
There was no room for argument with either the tone or the grip on his arm. It was a long, dark climb down. It had been easier going up. His knees hadn't been so shaky then. He put a hand to the wall and hesitated, light-headed. Schneider hovered over his shoulder.
"Pull it together, Kall. I'm not carrying you down these stairs a second time."
Kall-Su was somewhat surprised to hear he had done it a first time. He waved a hand and murmured. "I'm okay."
"Umm Hummm. Right."
He took a breath and continued down. It occurred to him to ask, because he had not absorbed everything Yoko had said when he'd brought up the subject to her.
"You burned all my clothes --- exactly why again?"
"He's going to freak out when he finds out." Gara met Arshes Nei's onslaught of steel and repelled it, pushing her back a few feet on the hard earth of the practice ground. She bared her teeth and shifted her stance.
"Your left side is open." He remarked off handedly and she frowned, moving her blade a little to compensate. He made a pass for the weak spot anyway and she only barely managed to block it. "Told you."
"You didn't get through my defense, did you? And he already suspects. He said as much the night we got Kall-Su back."
"Suspicion and sure knowledge are totally different things, Arshes."
"He's been preoccupied lately."
"As if anyone hasn't. He's going to freak out."
She lowered her sword and stared at him. "Gara. Are you afraid?"
"Well I'd be a fool if I said I wasn't a little worried. Its not like he's the blacksmith down the street who's a little jealous over the wench he's been rolling around in the hay with for the last century."
"You are not calling me a wench." Both her brows shot up. Gara couldn't hold back a grin.
"You are the most magnificent wench alive -- and he's possessive and nasty tempered when other people play with his toys."
"I resent being called a wench and a toy in the same sentence. And I don't care what he thinks."
"You don't care if he blasts me into itty bitty pieces of charred ninja?"
"He and I would have some very terse words if that happened."
"Oh, well that makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Terse words, huh?"
There was a far off rumble of thunder. As if on cue it started to rain. Gara sighed and rested his practice blade across his shoulder. So much for practice. Not that they had gotten a lot of it done, in-between the verbal sparring. She proceeded him to the practice shed and put up her blade. She turned to him while he was placing his in its place and put her hand on his face. Her fingers touched the scar running down from his eye and across his cheek.
"I think you were right when you said I deserved this. I think he will learn to deal with it or he and I will be at odds."
"And you don't want that." It was a statement, not a question.
"No."
"Because you love him." Another statement.
"Of course. But my heart has been withered for such a long time, is it not possible for it to hold love for more than one man?"
She was so damned pragmatic when it suited her. "I'd be a fool if I said no, wouldn't I?"
She smiled at him. Trailed her fingers down his face and across his chest, then turned and walked into the rain towards the castle. Gara took a deep breath to still the blood flowing recklessly to sensitive parts of his anatomy. All it took was a smile and a touch both of which held promises of things he'd only dreamed about for years and never, ever thought to have.
The cold rain cooled him off with chilling efficiency. He pounded up the steps and into the main hall. Arshes was already approaching the hearth where there was stew kept warm over the coals and mulled cider to chase away the still very chill weather. The hall was mostly empty, being afternoon and most of the servants busy with their day's tasks. Yoko was there, hovering over the shoulder of a maid that was patching a pile of uniforms. The same girl, he thought, from the fall of straight dark hair that they had saved from the Prophet's mountain fortress. He hadn't seen her since that night on the tower. He'd forgotten about her quite honestly, though he really ought not have, considering she'd endangered her own life to try and help Kall and himself when the fortress had been falling down around their ears. Arshes' private welcome back had driven most everything else out of his head. It looked as if the girl had been taken care of though. If Yoko had taken an interest, then she was sure to be treated fairly. Slave mark or no.
"Hello, little girl. You're looking good today."
Yoko glanced up at him. The dark haired girl did, but looked quickly away. Shy or taught by her various owners never to look a free man in the eyes. Some men took great pleasure in dehumanizing their possessions. He rather hoped it was the former, for the girl had too much courage to have been mistreated so badly.
"Well, hello Gara." Yoko smiled at him. "You're wet."
"Its raining."
"Ah, that would do it."
He wanted to ask the slave girl how she was getting along here, but the clamor of boot heels on the floor warned of a rapidly approaching disturbance. Schneider stalked across the hall towards them, showing signs of dampness himself, looking mightily pissed off about something. Gara felt his stomach tighten and wished he'd thought to bring the Murasume to practice. One really ought to carry it around when one was dallying with a woman a very powerful wizard considered his property. He stopped a few feet away and beckoned them over with a sharp wave of his hand.
"Arshes." He called to her and she warily put down the cup of cider she'd drawn and approached.
"What's wrong?" Yoko asked, eyes wide with apprehension.
"Kall just tried to kill himself. I don't trust him and I don't want him left alone until he gets his sense back."
They all gaped at him. Yoko put a hand over her mouth in dismay.
"You're not serious? What in hell did he do?" Gara demanded.
"It doesn't matter. Just keep an eye on him. Its got to be us because nobody else here could stop him if he really wanted to do something stupid."
They moved further away, conferring among themselves out of Lily's hearing. But she had overheard enough to make her bit her lip in anxiety. Her fingers were frozen on the material she mended. Days had passed and she had strained to hear even a rumor of him and now this disheartening news. They wouldn't understand, the powerful, the infallible lords who dominated this place. They could plan wars against the master -- the Prophet till the day grew long and never truly know how overwhelming -- how inevitable the power of his will was. He had never lifted a hand to strike her, never hurt her in a physical fashion or gone to great lengths to destroy her will -- she had never given him cause -- but she still had nightmares about him. She still woke sweating in the darkness of this place where people laughed and lived without fear, afraid that he might catch her at this game of freedom she engaged in. She could imagine what he endured, having been the center of the Master's obsession. They all seemed surprised, as if being a great lord or a powerful wizard could make one just shrug off the wounds.
But who was she to tell them. They had forgotten her, save for Yoko, who seemed to think she was a cause to be taken up. She thought Yoko took up a great many causes. Her charity was widespread and selfless, even when it made the reciprocates uncomfortable. Lily liked her very much, but she was not used to having people go out of their way to be kind to her. To look after her well-being. She kept expecting it to end suddenly -- and herself thrust back into slavery. She had coin in her pocket. She'd never had coin in her life of her own. She didn't know what she might do with it. Save it, she thought to buy an instrument, though the desire to go to market and spend it wildly and thoughtlessly on trinkets and sweetmeats was overpowering. Yoko had offered to go with her that very morning, when Mistress Keitlan had handed her the few coins for her work. She had almost agreed, even though it was disconcerting to imagine herself guided through this northern city by a lady of some position. She hardly had the taste for it now, depressed by what she had overheard. The only consolation was the surety that they would protect him, even against himself. They had brought down the place without windows and beaten the Master to that end. Yoko's wizard had, who glowered and glared and stomped about threateningly, but was fiercely protective of his inner group of confidants. She had overheard some of the servants whispering that he had raised the lord Kall-Su and the Elvin Lady Arshes Nei. Lily hardly saw how that was possible, him looking little older than the two of them. However, the appearance of wizardly things was not to be trusted.
But it was not her concern. None of it was her business. With a shuddery sigh she forced her fingers back to work. But her mind kept wondering.
Kall-Su looked distracted, eyes filled with vague preoccupation. It was better than desolation. Much, much preferable to the look he'd had on the tower. Schneider sat in a high backed chair, swirling the remnants of a red wine about the bottom of a wooden goblet while Kall-Su drifted about the walls of his library, running his fingers lightly across the spines of his books. He didn't speak. Just occasionally pulled a book out and placed it elsewhere. If he noticed various damages or missing volumes he did not mention it out loud.
Schneider finished the wine and sat with his chin propped on his hand, staring out the window. Since Kall was uncommunicative, his mind wondered to other things. Yoko entertained his thoughts for a while, in various positions and states of undress. But it was a frustrating fantasy since he couldn't predict when it would come to fruition. Which brought to mind the reason for her present uncertainty. The baby and the man that had forced her to loose it. He ground his teeth, knowing he would only make himself crazy thinking about the Prophet possibly still alive and out there somewhere plotting against him. So he thought about that damned old fortress and its very powerful wards. He would very much like to discover its location. Very much like to scout those ruins.
"Did you ever have a hint where it was? Angelo's fortress?"
Kall slowly turned pale blue eyes his way. Expressionless, detached eyes that blinked once, then flickered back to the shelves. "No."
"How'd you get there?"
"I don't know." He didn't turn this time, his back was very straight. Schneider didn't think he was actually seeing the books anymore. "I just -- woke up there. There were no windows."
"Oh, but there were wards. Very strong wards."
"I'm aware."
Schneider lifted a brow. "I imagine you are. What -- did he do to you?" He had a curiosity, whether as a fuel for his fire of vengeance or merely the need to know, he couldn't say.
"Does it matter? We know the results, do we not?" Kall's voice had gone brittle and imperious, some fraction of the icy facade he always wore forming in reflexive protection.
Schneider didn't push it, even though he wanted to. "I just wish I'd seen his body. I want to find that fortress."
"It was destroyed completely?" A glance over a shoulder. Some small bit of interest creeping past the attempt to distance himself from talking of Angelo and the ordeal.
"Pretty much. Last I saw the walls were falling down before the spell snapped us back."
"What about the acolytes? Could they have escaped?"
Schneider sniffed. "Nobody that was in that pile of stones got out alive."
"Oh." Kall stared at him, then shifted his gaze back to the books. Schneider was interested enough in his reactions to catch the brief flicker of pain that crossed his face.
"Why?"
"Nothing. It doesn't matter." A long pause. He found a misplaced book and took it down, stood staring at the words on the spine for a long moment before murmuring softly. "There was a girl."
"A girl? One of his priestess'?"
"No. Just a slave. It doesn't matter."
Oh, interesting. Very interesting. "Hummm. Maybe the slave girl we got out with us knows of her."
Kall looked at him, with much the expression of a man who thinks he's being toyed with. Schneider spun the goblet between his fingers, waiting. Kall broke the stare first and searched for the place the book belonged. It took him a while to find it.
"What was this slave girl's name?" Schneider asked pleasantly.
"I don't know. She tried to help me. I told you it was of no import."
"Well the one we brought back is called Lily and she's foul tempered and disrespectful. Your housemistress gave her a job in the laundry."
Kall didn't reply, apparently finished talking on the subject. After a while, when he'd wondered around the shelves for long enough he asked. "Was it you that put my books in such disarray?"
"Don't complain. It got you back."
"How long do you plan on dogging my footsteps?" Quieter this time.
"Until Gara comes up and takes my place." He smiled. Kall looked at him unhappily. "I wasn't the one who tried to smash himself upon the rocks. So you will endure it until I think there's no further need."
"There isn't."
"You lost the right to make that call when you stepped off the battlements. Earn it back."
Kall's eyes flashed indignation. "I do not need your protection. I am not your disciple anymore."
"No? I think you do. Otherwise Angelo wouldn't have taken you so goddamned easy."
Kall opened his mouth, snapped it shut. Stalked to the door and snatched it open intent on fleeing who the hell knew where. Gara stood there with his hand raised to knock and an idiotic grin on his broad face.
"Well there you are. I was looking ---"
"You're late." Schneider remarked. Gara had what looked like a bit on the side of his mouth and a sort of bemused expression in his eyes.
"What the hell happened to you?" In the back of his mind it occurred to him that Arshes had the tendency to bite when overexcited.
"Um -- just a little roughhousing in the practice yard."
"Really? With anyone I'd know?"
Gara blushed. It looked ridiculous on the Ninja Master. Schneider wondered if he ought to kill him now or wait until later. If he killed him now it meant he'd have to spend the rest of the night baby-sitting Kall.
Kall-Su glared at the both of them and brushed past Gara. The ninja shrugged nervously, gestured after Kall-Su and disappeared after him.
Schneider sat simmering, thinking about all the little things that had been going on between Gara and Arshes lately. All the things he had been too busy to notice. The goblet went up in flames. He dropped it carelessly on the floor and watched it burn. It left a pile of ashes and blackened burned place on the carpet.
"Shit." He stared at the spot. Yoko had a thing about the castle carpets. She would pitch a fit if she found out. He pulled the chair forward to cover it.