Author's Notes: Hey everyone. I was planning to leave this a one-chapter fic, but I've had so much feedback from it that I just had to continue :-)
It's been a while since I've read past the first chapter of a Post Gift fic, so if I get anything wrong sue me........uh, I meant that in the non-literal sense. I also apologise if this turns out to be not very funny and disappoints a lot of people. As y'all can see, I'm a severe optimist.
Dedicated to Pippa.
Oh hell, why not. Dedicated to Hex also.
Spike hummed a happy tune as he strolled casually up the front steps of the Summer's house. Life was good. I mean, yeah, so Buffy was dead. But life...uh, unlife (A/N: Intentional bad joke, just to clear that up) had to go on, right?
His spirits were suddenly dampened as his preternatural hearing caught the sounds of a certain teenage girl crying. Spike crashed the door down with one booted kick. Wait a minute. Why did I kick the door down? I have a key! Dammit, that's the 4th time that's happened this week. Spike snapped back to the situation and raced up the stairs.
"Dawn! Dawn!" Spike kicked down Dawn's door - Dammit! – to find her sitting on her bed crying her eyes out. She looked up.
"Spike? Why'd you kick the door down?" she looked confused.
"Why simple, opening it would have delayed me by a whole 3 seconds from reaching you."
"But it wasn't even locked!"
"Details, details. Never mind all that. Why are you crying?"
Dawn instantly started blubbering again.
"Well, Spike...you left me alone for a whole 4 minutes! I was worried! I needed someone!" Spike felt his heart...uh, unheart...no wait...non-beating heart...break. He held Dawn close.
"Now, Dawnie, my little sugar muffin potato. I made a promise to a lady that I would keep you safe from 'arm. Didn't I?"
"Umm....why are you asking me?" Spike considered this, but dismissed it. He got back to business.
"Now, I've bought us groceries from the day-store supermarket...thing." Dawn looked confused.
"But it's day!"
"Your point being..?"
"You're a vampire. Sunlight burns you to ashes."
"Oh yeah. Umm....well, I had my trusty blanket?" Spike looked at her hopefully. Dawn shook her head.
"I don't think so...wouldn't it seem a bit odd to storekeepers, a guy who seems to be on fire suddenly smashing through the shop window, clutching a burning blanket?" Spike considered.
"Apparently not. Well, either that or I've developed a sudden and theoretically impossible immunity to sunlight. Happens all the time in vampires, honest." Dawn accepted this and decided to move on.
"So, where were we. Oh yeah. WAAHHH BUFFY'S DEAD! WAHHHH it should have been me! WAHHH I'm not real!"
"That's the spirit, Little..um, bit."
Dawn suddenly looked at Spike.
"Say, is there a reason that we're both totally out of character? And why haven't you called me 'ducks' or 'luv' or 'pet' yet? And why aren't you speaking with your accent?"
"Well, you see, in order for a successful 'Post-Post Gift' fic, the author has to forget I'm a vampire-"
"-You're a vampire?!"
Spike looked at her.
"Umm....yes? But anyway; I must act exactly like a human, I never drink blood, avoid sunlight, act anything like my character on the show, or mention how I want to be evil again."
"Oh."
Spike carried on with his explanation.
"And now you have to act totally mature and grown up. Yep, despite the fact that you're only 15 and all, you hold the rest of the adult group together." Dawn processed this answer, then smiled.
"Great! Well, let's go see the gang!" She skipped cheerfully out of the room. Spike shook his head and followed, smiling.
"Kids!"
* * *
The two arrived at The Magic Box. Miraculously, the whole gang was there. Apparently they had arrived with perfect timing.
"Hello all." said Spike, reverting back to his old harsh, cold attitude.
Hey! Hey, look everybody, it's Spike! Our friend Spike!" Xander cried, going up to hug his buddy. "How's life treatin' ya, pal?"
Spike savagely shoved Xander away from him. Which was strange, seeing as he had a chip preventing him from causing any sort of physical harm to any living creatures.
"Get off me, you big poof! I've brought the Lil' bit over." Spike retreated to the corner of the shop and lit up a cigarette.
"Hello Dawn." Giles greeted her warmly. "You're here just in time. We've arranged for you to go stay with your uncaring, never-writes-or-calls father. Wasn't that considerate of us? I mean, although we often imply we despise the man, we really think you should go live with him. I mean, you'll be able to talk to him so much easier than us! After all, he has no idea what you are, or how Buffy really died. We're really not trying to get rid of you, honest. We do care about you, honestly."
"I'm old and MATURE enough to look after myself! I am really mature! Hint: MATURE. Take note of the MATURITY I display."
Dawn then proceeded to run from the shop in tears, in a tantrum. A MATURE tantrum, mind you.
Willow turned to Giles, distressed. "Oh deary! Looks like we misjudged our little Dawnie. She is growing up." She got all teary-eyed. "Our little Dawny-snoogles is all growed up!"
"I SOOO do not care about any of you guys. To me, you all mean pretty much nothing. If I saw you getting murdered in the street, I'd turn a blind eye. Well, apart from Xander. But that's just because he is good in bed." Anya suddenly said.
Everyone regarded her with weary affection. Xander ruffled her hair.
"Aww, that's our Anya!" he said tenderly.
"I am so predictable and shallow that the author can quite easily write my character by saying anything, but inserting the word "Orgasm friend" in every 3rd sentence." she added.
"By Jove, I do believe you're right!" Giles proclaimed. "But I believe the author is getting slightly off-track here. I mean, look at this: he's barely even mentioning anything to do with 'Post-Post Gift fics. And now he's resorted to mentioning himself in his fic, something he once swore he hated author's doing!"
"Ah well," Xander comforted. "At least it's still mildly humourous, right?" Everybody in the room was silent.
"....Right?"
* * *
Meanwhile, Dawn had run away to L.A. I'm sure when I see Angel, who, of course, I magically knew the address of, he won't send me right back home.
And therefore another chapter was completed.
So...should I write more? Or – quit while I'm ahead?
It would really help if people reviewed and told me if they still found it funny.