It Wasn't Me (Filk)
Disclaimer: All Harry Potter characters appearing here belong to JK Rowling. The lyrics of "It Wasn't Me" aren't mine either.
Scene: People, animals and ghosts are being Petrified and everyone suspects Harry Potter
enter Harry, running
HARRY: (knocking on the first-floor bathroom door)
Hey guys!
RON:
Yeah?
HARRY:
Open up, guys.
RON: (opening door)
What do you want man?
HARRY:
They think they've "caught" me.
HERMIONE: (turning away from the cauldron she was stirring)
Why, what happened?
HARRY:
Another attack just happened.
RON:
On whom?
HARRY:
Justin Finch-Fletchley, you know.
RON:
Man...
HARRY:
I don't know who's doing it.
RON:
Well, it's not you.
Harry goes away
HARRY:
Alright...
Ernie thought that he had caught me red-handed
Petrifying the ghost of Gryffindor
Picture him with Justin Finch-Fletchley
Immobile on the cold stone floor
How could I have done it
When I was just passing by
All this time there were lying there
I didn't know how and why
enter Ernie McMillan
ERNIE MCMILLAN: (stubbornly)
How can you spare a student who was down for Eton?
Muggles and squibs we all know are in danger
They'd better watch their backs before you turn them into statues
Best for them to hide up in their dormitories for cover
(nervously)
I am a true wizard, I'm telling you today
If someone says they're not, they'd better get out of the way
Cause if they admit it in front of your face
Who knows whether they'd end up looking like bouillabaisse
enter Filch, Hannah Abbott, Parvati Patil, Lavender Brown and Professor Snape
FILCH:
He almost killed Mrs. Norris.
HARRY:
It wasn't me!
HANNAH:
Saw what he did to poor Colin.
HARRY:
It wasn't me!
ERNIE:
He kept annoying Harry Potter.
HARRY:
It wasn't me!
HANNAH:
He even burnt his camera.
HARRY:
It wasn't me!
PARVATI:
Next thing we know it's Justin.
HARRY: (exasperated)
It wasn't me!
LAVENDER:
He looked exactly like Colin.
HARRY: (raising his voice)
It wasn't me!
PARVATI:
Heard the words that he had spoken.
HARRY:
It wasn't me! (shouting)
SNAPE:
He's a Parselmouth, that Potter.
exit Filch, Ernie, Hannah, Parvati, Lavender and Snape
Peeves whooshes in
PEEVES:
Oh, Potter you pottery rotter
What have you done now you jerk?
You're killing 'em off one by one
And you think that it's good fun
HARRY:
I have tried to tell you all
About what you have seen
Why won't you believe me
When I say that it wasn't me?
enter Ron and Hermione
RON:
We're sure it's not you and they've just been tricked
Whenever they see you they run like stupid gits.
Funny how they don't suspect that Malfoy kid
I really think that he's behind all this
HERMIONE:
You know he's not worrying about the things that pass
But still we found out that he's not the boss
The answer: I think I've read it up somewhere in the past
To the library I'd better run fast!
exit Hermione
Ron and Harry exchange puzzled expressions
enter Ernie, Hannah, Parvati, Lavender, Percy, Fred and George
ERNIE:
Hey, have you heard about Granger?
HARRY:
So it's not me!
HANNAH:
She was attacked like Clearwater.
PERCY: (shocked)
Penelope?!
PARVATI:
They were found beside a mirror.
HARRY:
See, it wasn't me!
LAVENDER:
What could've it been for?
PERCY: (still shocked)
Penelope?!
FRED: (whispering to Harry)
That girl was also a prefect.
HARRY:
Who was she?
GEORGE:
Who, like Percy, was perfect.
HARRY:
Oh, I see.
FRED:
Percy must be really shaken.
HARRY:
What's up with that?
GEORGE:
Thought as a prefect he was protected.
enter Gilderoy Lockhart looking extremely cheerful and arrogant
students exit because of him
LOCKHART:
Harry come here, I've caught it one-handed
The thing that's bringing us terror
Picture this I was all by myself
When I saw it down the corridor
How could I not triumph
Over the Heir of Slytherin
Cause it knew that it was only
A matter of time before I'd win
enter McGonagall, and Snape
MCGONAGALL: (to Lockhart)
Gonna tell you a student has been taken to the Chamber itself
I've been listening to your boasting
It makes no sense at all
SNAPE:
But since you seem to know a lot we'll leave you everything
Since you think you're such a hero
We are giving you a go
Lockhart looks terrified and exits
McGonagall exits
Harry and Ron enter again
SNAPE: (to Harry and Ron)
I still know though I haven't caught you red-handed
Creeping through the dungeon doors
You and Weasley are both guilty
For stealing from my private stores
(Harry and Ron try to look innocent)
How could I forget
The explosion of a cauldron full of goo
So from now on I'll be
Watching closely the two of you
exit Snape with his robes billowing behind him
exit Harry and Ron
Disclaimer: All Harry Potter characters appearing here belong to JK Rowling. The lyrics of "It Wasn't Me" aren't mine either.
Scene: People, animals and ghosts are being Petrified and everyone suspects Harry Potter
enter Harry, running
HARRY: (knocking on the first-floor bathroom door)
Hey guys!
RON:
Yeah?
HARRY:
Open up, guys.
RON: (opening door)
What do you want man?
HARRY:
They think they've "caught" me.
HERMIONE: (turning away from the cauldron she was stirring)
Why, what happened?
HARRY:
Another attack just happened.
RON:
On whom?
HARRY:
Justin Finch-Fletchley, you know.
RON:
Man...
HARRY:
I don't know who's doing it.
RON:
Well, it's not you.
Harry goes away
HARRY:
Alright...
Ernie thought that he had caught me red-handed
Petrifying the ghost of Gryffindor
Picture him with Justin Finch-Fletchley
Immobile on the cold stone floor
How could I have done it
When I was just passing by
All this time there were lying there
I didn't know how and why
enter Ernie McMillan
ERNIE MCMILLAN: (stubbornly)
How can you spare a student who was down for Eton?
Muggles and squibs we all know are in danger
They'd better watch their backs before you turn them into statues
Best for them to hide up in their dormitories for cover
(nervously)
I am a true wizard, I'm telling you today
If someone says they're not, they'd better get out of the way
Cause if they admit it in front of your face
Who knows whether they'd end up looking like bouillabaisse
enter Filch, Hannah Abbott, Parvati Patil, Lavender Brown and Professor Snape
FILCH:
He almost killed Mrs. Norris.
HARRY:
It wasn't me!
HANNAH:
Saw what he did to poor Colin.
HARRY:
It wasn't me!
ERNIE:
He kept annoying Harry Potter.
HARRY:
It wasn't me!
HANNAH:
He even burnt his camera.
HARRY:
It wasn't me!
PARVATI:
Next thing we know it's Justin.
HARRY: (exasperated)
It wasn't me!
LAVENDER:
He looked exactly like Colin.
HARRY: (raising his voice)
It wasn't me!
PARVATI:
Heard the words that he had spoken.
HARRY:
It wasn't me! (shouting)
SNAPE:
He's a Parselmouth, that Potter.
exit Filch, Ernie, Hannah, Parvati, Lavender and Snape
Peeves whooshes in
PEEVES:
Oh, Potter you pottery rotter
What have you done now you jerk?
You're killing 'em off one by one
And you think that it's good fun
HARRY:
I have tried to tell you all
About what you have seen
Why won't you believe me
When I say that it wasn't me?
enter Ron and Hermione
RON:
We're sure it's not you and they've just been tricked
Whenever they see you they run like stupid gits.
Funny how they don't suspect that Malfoy kid
I really think that he's behind all this
HERMIONE:
You know he's not worrying about the things that pass
But still we found out that he's not the boss
The answer: I think I've read it up somewhere in the past
To the library I'd better run fast!
exit Hermione
Ron and Harry exchange puzzled expressions
enter Ernie, Hannah, Parvati, Lavender, Percy, Fred and George
ERNIE:
Hey, have you heard about Granger?
HARRY:
So it's not me!
HANNAH:
She was attacked like Clearwater.
PERCY: (shocked)
Penelope?!
PARVATI:
They were found beside a mirror.
HARRY:
See, it wasn't me!
LAVENDER:
What could've it been for?
PERCY: (still shocked)
Penelope?!
FRED: (whispering to Harry)
That girl was also a prefect.
HARRY:
Who was she?
GEORGE:
Who, like Percy, was perfect.
HARRY:
Oh, I see.
FRED:
Percy must be really shaken.
HARRY:
What's up with that?
GEORGE:
Thought as a prefect he was protected.
enter Gilderoy Lockhart looking extremely cheerful and arrogant
students exit because of him
LOCKHART:
Harry come here, I've caught it one-handed
The thing that's bringing us terror
Picture this I was all by myself
When I saw it down the corridor
How could I not triumph
Over the Heir of Slytherin
Cause it knew that it was only
A matter of time before I'd win
enter McGonagall, and Snape
MCGONAGALL: (to Lockhart)
Gonna tell you a student has been taken to the Chamber itself
I've been listening to your boasting
It makes no sense at all
SNAPE:
But since you seem to know a lot we'll leave you everything
Since you think you're such a hero
We are giving you a go
Lockhart looks terrified and exits
McGonagall exits
Harry and Ron enter again
SNAPE: (to Harry and Ron)
I still know though I haven't caught you red-handed
Creeping through the dungeon doors
You and Weasley are both guilty
For stealing from my private stores
(Harry and Ron try to look innocent)
How could I forget
The explosion of a cauldron full of goo
So from now on I'll be
Watching closely the two of you
exit Snape with his robes billowing behind him
exit Harry and Ron