He loved the way she looked, he thought when she re-entered the kitchen,
while finishing setting the table. Seeing her dancing around him, singing
softly, joking and laughing, while doing something as simple as setting
the table was hypnotising. She showed herself comfortable around him, as
usual, but that comfortableness, added to the six walls surrounding them
and making them forget about any other world than that house they were
sharing, was becoming even more meaningful than ever. They were alone at
a house, something that rarely happened, and it was simply too easy to
get used to her. Too easy to compare, hypothetically at least, what it
was and would be like if they were something more. What it would be like
in a few years if the best was to happen. And her behaviour showed little
difference, from what he could imagine, too little variation to stop him
imagining her as in his dreams, so vividly than he had been more than once
tempted to kiss her, as he would do if his life was complete. Thanks god
that neither of them had stopped doing things, carrying dishes, checking
the meal, keeping their hands busy. Otherwise, she would have ended in
his arms a long time ago.
She reappeared, crossing the kitchen door, with her hands full of food
dishes that he hurried to help her with.
"Well...", she said, smiling sweetly through a rebel strand of hair
that had had the valour of abandoning its usual place. "I guess that's
all..."
He nodded, with his eyes glued at her. He didn't want to lose any of
her movements, of her reactions. He didn't want to miss one single second
of her life. She shook her head to make that strand to go away, and once
again the comparisons made him dizzy, wishing but not daring to, for, if
they had been a couple, he would have had the confidence to take that rebel
bit of hair away himself, with a soft caress... Touching her cheek, kissing
softly her lips...
Yet again, he was letting himself goo a bit too much. And, at this
pace, she would end by noticing!
"Let's eat...?", he shyly suggested.
She nodded, and walked to one of the chairs. With a motion that he
had been planning for a while, he walked to her chair and pulled it backwards
to help her sit down, pretty gentleman-like.
"Princess...", said he, offering the chair.
She smiled surprised, opening her eyes even wider, and took seat.
"Thanks...", she whispered, blushing very lightly, while he took seat
in front of her.
He shook his head with a grin, making her understand that it was nothing
to thank him for, but a pleasure.
He had done that several times before, in more or less expensive restaurants,
in nights out because of either business or pleasure. And every time she
would blush a bit, like she was then, and she would look at him shyly,
obviously delighted. It was worth everything, that only look, or the way
her cheeks reddened and her eyes shone on him.
She interrupted the trail of his thoughts starting serving the food.
"Are you hungry, sweetie?", she asked, calling his attention, what
made him suspect that she was noticing of his continuous mental raving.
He nodded, looking interested at the plate.
"Yup, I am...! And it looks and smells so good..."
She smiled, pleased.
"Thanks... I hope you like it!"
He nodded convincingly. They should had gone to a restaurant, he again
regretted. He had been so delighted with the idea of seeing her when he
had renounced to their Saturday contact that he hadn't thought of the work
she would have to go through. It was not that she didn't know how to cook,
and she had said that she liked cooking, but he felt sorry for having forced
her to prepare food for them both when they could have gone out, as usual.
It was not only cooking... Even with his help, which was unconditional,
he felt that she had worked too hard. She needed to be more taken care
of!
"Hmm!", he exclaimed, after taking a bite of his food. "It's... delicious...!"
She smiled doubtful, disbelieving his sincerity although he couldn't
have been more true, and thanked him, while starting eating as well.
"So...", she asked, after a short pause, while they both continued
eating, "how's everything at home...?"
"Hum...", he started, earning time to swallow what was in his mouth,
"as usual... Bra is picky and bratty as usual, mother is always too busy
with both father and the enterprise and father is... father!"
"A great family, aren't they...?", she asked with a soft ironic tone.
"The best ever!", he said, overacting. "And yours? How is it that you
went to your parents' today...? Any problem...?"
She shook her head and swallowed a bit of meat.
"No, I just went to check out how everything was going..."
He nodded, understanding.
"They still miss you...?", asked in a concerned but funny voice.
"I doubt it...!", she answered, not so pleased with the idea. "They
have had time to get used to live on their own now... And no, I don't think
they miss me, now that they can be by themselves again!"
He chuckled, imagining Son Gohan and Videl as tender to each other
as teenagers again only because of Pan's disappearance.
"Lost in each other's eyes the whole day!", he graphically mimicked.
"Yup!", she exclaimed, chuckling as well. "All day stuck together...
It seems a bit ridicule, doesn't it...?"
"That your parents love each other and show each other?", he asked,
looking at her. "No, not at all..."
"No, not that", she cut, "but the fact that they could have needed
me to leave to show each other..."
"Your parents have always loved each other... And they have showed
so to everyone, in certain degree..."
She agreed.
"They are not more loving now than before", she said, "but I guess
than having kids must be a bit... uncomfortable, at least since the kid
is not a kid anymore..."
"Yup... You didn't disturb your parents before leaving, anyway. This
is different, not having you there... They must miss you, even if it's
been near a year since you moved...! Although they can have more freedom,
without having to tell anyone about their plans for lunch or else, they
must still miss you... Imagine you lost someone you had always lived with,
who you could see twenty-four, seven, to be able to see that person only
twice a week, or so... You would miss him...!"
Moreover, he thought, she was someone so full of life and bright that
it had to be difficult to get used to her absence... Thinking of himself,
he admitted that he wouldn't be able to bear any kind of disappearing of
her from his life, as little as it could be. He would simply be shattered.
She nodded.
"I guess so... but I would still see him twice a week, more if I wanted
to. That's pretty important, it's much more than most of the families have..."
"And that's why they keep calling you, to talk to you, to ask you to
go to visit them..."
She had to agree once again.
"Yes... It could be worse too... And now I have my own house, where
I can do what I want to do without grandmother asking me to – well, you
know her, to do lots of thing all the time! –, and with independence...
You know I never had problems with any of them, not more than what are
reasonable, but it's a pleasure to have your own place!"
He nodded.
"It's necessary, when you reach a certain age. It's good both for you
and for your parents."
She couldn't help but chuckling.
"Haven't you reached that age yet, Mr. President...?"
"Well...", he started, smiling shyly, "perhaps...! In my case it's
pretty different... I reached that age a very long time ago... But the
corporation is big enough for all of us – even for your uncle and the food
he makes disappear every day, which is not a small quantity – and I don't
have to see them too often... I spend my time at the corporate part of
the building, rather than the private one, or with you, so I don't get
to see them but at breakfast and supper... It's not so bad after all, I
guess... Although I can't deny it: I'm dying to move!"
She looked at him clearly interested.
"You want to move...?"
"Of course...", he sighed. "Mother is always consulting me about the
state of the enterprise and some details, either if I'm working or not,
like she didn't know that I don't like at all having to talk about it when
I get out of the office! Then, there's father, always telling me to train
with him. And Bra, well, what can I say about Bra? She is always blackmailing
me for things, and telling me things about Goten that I don't want to know...!"
She chuckled.
"Be thankful!", exclaimed she, "you're not her best friend! I am the
one who gets to know everything about uncle! And I mean everything!!"
He made a sad face.
"Poor Panny...", he whispered, looking at her lovingly.
"At least I don't share their roof..."
He nodded.
"I should look for a place of my own...!"
"Aha...!", she agreed. "What's the problem, then? Why aren't you leaving...?"
He resumed eating and looked at her, sighing.
"I have some things missing... before I can move..."
She finished her meal and returned his look.
"Like what...?"
"Like dreams...", he said, shrugging.
"You don't have dreams...?", she asked, confused.
"Oh, no!", he couldn't help but chuckle, "I have tons of them! I'm
always daydreaming, I'm full of dreams that I wished to come true... Always!
I mean... you would be surprised if you knew how many times my mind is
kilometres away although I may seem here... I'm constantly dreaming...
And they do seem real! But what I'm lacking are the things I dreamt to
have before moving... Like resolutions... The kind of 'when I am 30 I'll
be married and living with my sweet wife in a house of our own'... That
stupid sort of things...! Hadn't you dreams, Panny, when you were a little
girl, of what you wanted to have when you were older and, say, moved to
your own house...?"
She nodded.
"Yes... I wanted to have a family of my own... That kind of things...
Is that what you meant...?"
It was he who nodded then.
"When you are a little kid, you imagine what you want your life to
be... You want to be happy, find a nice girl, start a family, a new house...
All and all, very sweet...! But... you get to your late thirties, and ,
there you are! No girl, no family, nothing..."
She sighed.
"But, Trunks... I also wanted my life to be like that...! I also imagined
myself leaving my parent's house to marry my Prince Charming..."
"So...? What happened...? Is Prince Charming hidden anywhere in this
house...?" he asked, looking humorously around, making her chuckle. "You
must have him very well hidden, for I, having already registered the whole
house as the intruder I am, haven't found him..."
"No, I haven't found him yet either... I'd say that he's not hidden
in this house..."
"What happened then, with your hopes? You stopped believing in dreams...?"
She shook her head.
"Never...! But... that will probably come. I'm still young, and I'll
be for a long time... What's the hurry? I wanted to have my place, somewhere
of my own, and I want a man to make me happy. Both facts are true, but
they are not bounded...!"
He nodded, defeated.
"There's no hurry... But going to live on my own would be like accepting
that I haven't got her yet... It would make me realise of my loneliness...
Moreover, loneliness is another thing I want to avoid...! At Cc I have
my personal space and they respect more or less my intimacy... but, if
I want someone to talk to, I can always find someone around... If I moved
home, I would have to live all by myself... It would be very... lonely...!"
She smiled confused.
"Lonely...? But, sweetheart, when do you get to have some spare time...?"
He looked at her, puzzled.
"What do you mean? I have pretty spare time...!"
She nodded with a seductive smile.
"Time you spend with me... There's no place for loneliness in your
life, either if you live at Cc or not... well, but the nights on your own...
And those are totally yours, wherever you were to live."
He had to smile, a bit ashamed.
"I don't leave you alone, eh?"
"No!", she rapidly cut him off. "That's not it...! No...!! Oh, you
didn't quite get my point...!!"
"I did", he answered, calmly but feeling shattered inside. "I understood
what you meant. But that leads me to that conclusion... If I have no spare
time, then you don't have either... and... it's all because of me... It's
my fault..."
She shook her head once again, but it had no use, since he simply resumed
eating, sadly absorbed by the fear of being too possessive and being bothering
her.
"Trunks...", she tried, "That was not it..."
He raised his eyes to look at her and smiled.
"I know... Don't worry, I've understood it. I spend all my time with
you, either at Cc or out on Saturdays, like today... I wouldn't notice
that much the difference between living with them or moving..."
She sighed, nodding, and put her hand over one of his, that was laying
on the table.
"You don't bother... I love being with you as you love being with me...
I... I have the feeling that whatever I say won't have any effect on you...
You'll keep on thinking that you spend too much time with me and that I'm
bothered by your presence..."
He only sighed and looked at her, caressing her hand.
"It's true, Pan...", he whispered at last. "I'm an annoyance... I'm
always stuck to you as if you had nothing better to do with your life..."
"But I have nothing better to do with my life...!", she answered, holding
his hand, with growing passion. "I have absolutely nothing better to do
for there is nothing better in my life... The time I spend with you is
too little for me, I'm always anxious for more! I love those Saturdays
out, I love when you call me and tell me to go somewhere with you... I
will never have enough of you, never, so you could never annoy me. You
are not a disturb, you hear?"
He nodded.
"But still..."
"But still you are thinking that you should spend less time with me",
she added sadly, cutting him off, with a defeated face. "I just meant...
that... Great. Now I've messed all up!"
Seeing that they both had finished eating, he stood up to clean the
table. She didn't even move as he started taking the dishes away from her
and carrying to the kitchen.
"Trunks...", she called, in the softest voice, after a while. "Trunks...?"
He stepped in from the kitchen and answered her by kneeling in front
of her.
"What's the matter, princess...?"
She looked at him distantly and touched his chin very softly.
"I'm sorry... I... I..."
He shook his head.
"I understand what you meant. And I don't believe myself an annoyance...!
It was just that... I'm so afraid of disturbing you... Of getting you tired
of me and... I'm afraid of you ever telling me to get lost..."
She nodded, still caressing very softly his chin.
"I know... I'd never tell you such a thing... I... I have never felt
that you were imposing me your company... And I'll never ever have enough
of you... I shouldn't have said that. I shouldn't. It... I'm so sorry...!
Now you'll doubt even more..."
He smiled sweetly and, holding her hand with his, placed a feather
kiss on her palm. She smiled sadly as an answer, and he couldn't help but
feeling that he couldn't love her more.
"I don't doubt... You're making it seem bigger than it is...! Let's
do something! I promise you that I won't doubt about my acceptance by your
side", he said dramatically, "if you promise to tell me whenever you feel
you need some more time... Just tell me 'this Saturday I feel like being
alone', or something of the sort, and I'll keep the distance..."
She looked at him for an instant before looking to the ground, thoughtful.
"That's not it...", she added after a short while, "I mean that...
It's alright... But..."
"What...?", he exclaimed, eagerly to fulfil her requests to see her
happy again.
"I... I don't want you to doubt.. so much..."
He smiled reassuring.
"I'm sorry... I'm so... unsure! I'm just like a little kid...!"
She nodded with a soft smile and stared at him with an intent look.
"Thanks for coming today...", she whispered after a silence. "I was
beginning to think that you wouldn't..."
He shook his head, leaning closer to her, and embraced her, hugging
her as tightly as he could.
"I will never have enough of you either...", he whispered, feeling
chills down his spine because of her contact and because all the things
she had said about them and about how she saw his presence in her life.
He had not got very upset about her comment of having little free time,
he knew that it was true that he spent all the time with her. She didn't
need to insist that much on him not feeling sorry for having such a high
percentage of her time. Even though he could feel sorry for her, for the
time she was wasting because of him, he had accepted his own dependence
to the hardest –and only – drug he knew a long time ago, and had learned
to live with his conscience. He could not live without her, so he had had
to learn to live fearing of her tiredness and refusal. That trial of hers
of convincing him of the rightness of spending their time together could
not have visible effects, since he could not spend more time with her although
what she could tell him about how she liked his company. That conversation
had only lead him to a major security on himself and a sudden tenderness
towards her.
Once again, he was feeling how they were both aligned, on phase, going
together in mind and soul. Once again he was feeling the extreme thinness
of the surface that was keeping them apart. And once again he was feeling
dizzy, his senses overwhelmed, and his head only busy with solving the
problem of that minimal separation. Analysing the previous conversation,
what they had both shown in their words. She wanted to spend even more
time with him. He wanted to have every second of her life. Both agreed
that they would never have enough of each other. Nevertheless, they were
only friends, they were nothing but sister and brother and, as hard as
he tried to, he could not understand why they were nothing but that. He
could not understand the reason for the existence of such a boundary, keeping
each of them in an isolated world.
Friendship getting on their way again. Burying a hand in her silken
hair, he took a deep breath, making her scent a part of him. His only friend,
his dearest... How he wished sometimes that she was a complete stranger!
Then he could watch her pass by, call her attention, get to talk to her,
and confess of his feelings without endangering that much... Of course
than it would not be possible, for, if she was not his friend and he had
never met her before, he would not have those feelings and there would
be no reason to try to come closer to her. But how he wished he had more
chances, that he could rehearse, try doing this and that, knowing that
nothing was to be ruined between them because it was only a simulation...!
How he wished that his life could be written and played over and over until
everything was perfect, until he knew all the steps to follow to always
make the real Pan happy...! And how he wished to have just once the chance
of letting everything go without the possibility of losing a thing!
Feeling that the right spot in the world for him was the one he was
on at the moment, he kissed her neck very softly and prayed for that moment
to last forever.
He wished he had already said it. He wished he could tell her again
that that he loved her. He wanted to scream it at the top of his lungs,
to repeat it one million times. Although she would understand it in a friendly
way, he wished he had had the courage to say it, letting her know of the
magnitude of the feelings. Opening a small window to his soul for her to
look through.
Where she would see his inner world. Happiness, love. She would see
what was to be over the moon, and she would notice what she meant for him...
Yup, he thought, with a tiny mental grin, a window like that would
be useful to end with all his doubts and self-regrets!
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