Shit! Shit! And damn! Today I married my best friend. To someone else. Someone who could never give him the love I could. Someone who can never feel what I can. And I have no one to blame but myself. If only I had realised sooner. Instead it happened just as I said, "I now pronounce you Commander and Wife." Damn it! If I didn't know better I'd say he did it deliberately. But I know he didn't. He's not like that. He doesn't like to intentionally hurt people.
But of all the women on this ship, why her? Why choose a former drone who revealed to me only last year that she had a problem with emotion thanks to one of her Borg implants. I can recall clearly the day I was told. We were in sickbay of all places and I was trying to get some emotional response for an action she had taken. She looked about to collapse and that's when the doctor told me not to excite her!
And I know Chakotay. He's not someone to go half-heartedly into something. Once he decides to do something he's quite capable of doing it with a passion. Does he know of Seven's "little problem?" If he does then what sort of marriage is this? Is it a marriage of convenience, giving him and escape from me and her a life lesson? Or is it a complete marriage, in every sense of the word? Does one need to get emotional over sex?
Okay, Kathryn. That's enough. When all is said and done you still have your best friend. Get over it. And learn this. Now you know how he felt for all those years.
What it comes down to is me having to work out just how long I have been in love with him. Have I always been and just denied it, or is it something that crept up on me, announcing its presence when it was too late, as if to gloat? I really don't know. I don't know that I will ever know.
Things will change though. I know that. How can I expect for him to spend his off-duty times with me when he has Seven to go back to? Wait, does Seven still have to regenerate? Does she still have to do that in the cargo bay? I haven't seen any requests to move a regenerating unit to quarters. But of course he would handle all that. He deals with all the crew problems. Always has. I could always take a casual stroll down to the cargo bay and see. Or break into his quarters while they're still at the party to check for a unit.
But that wouldn't be right. And they're probably expecting me to return to the reception on the holodeck. I wonder if Chakotay will come and attempt to drag me back like he normally does when it comes to me attending parties.
But if she has to regenerate in the cargo bay still… No, that would be wrong of me to think that I could do that. I refuse to be "the other woman." And somehow I have a feeling that to even raise that question with him would be to lose my best friend forever.
Why does he have to have quarters next to mine though? Why do they have to have quarters next to mine?