He closed his eyes, daydreaming of her once again, inspired by her
arms around his shoulders. They had been for a while in complete silence,
only hugging each other, she still sitting by the table, with him kneeled
in front. At first, it has been only a way to try to comfort her, since
she was a bit down because of what she seemed to consider a very unfortunate
comment about his presence in her life. He had seen her so sad because
of the apparent fear of losing him that he had needed to hold her just
then, without time for second thoughts, assuring to her that she would
never lose him. He needed to hold her, to make her feel better, to replace
that sad look in her eyes with a huge grin, a smile or whatever but that
pain. It hadn't even been a sympathetic act. He did not want to cheer her
out of pity or something like that: he simply loved her so much that couldn't
physically bear the thought of her not being happy. It was torture.
Though innocent had only been his first intention. He meant to get
a smile out of her at all costs, and he felt the necessity of physically
warming her. But as soon as he had felt her arms rounding his shoulders
and his hands had slowly walked an invisible path from her sides to her
back, to, still, lay there, emotion had slowly overwhelmed him. She was
his very best friend, she meant everything to him and they spent a considerable
high percentage of their time together – although never enough for him!
–. However, physical contact was not clearly included in the terms of their
friendship, and, whenever it came, he felt dumbly blissful.
An indescribable feeling of rightness was constantly exploding in his
chest, overflowing his soul and making him unable to think. There was no
need for anything more, all his worries had vanished with the somatic reaffirmation
of her existence around his arms. There was not place enough in his mind
to think about anything else either, other than her and his feelings, and
the fact that they were slowly changing, becoming something more peaceful
and calmed. Completeness was surging him over and submerging all the remains
of the mess he was only seconds before. That was his place to be, she was
complementing him with such an efficacy that he wondered how he could have
ever lived without her. It was as if realising that he had always been
lacking a half to find it all of a sudden. In fact, that was what it was
indeed, or at least what he felt it to be. The way he was feeling could
only correspond to having found another part of him.
He slowly moved his arms, gently caressing her back, and he felt her
smile against his cheek. He couldn't help but smile as well, and placed
another feather-kiss on her neck. He wished they could fuse and be totally
together, one being part of the other, so their union would never break,
and that sense of fulfilment and comfortableness would last forever. With
a sudden revelation, he foresaw the addiction that touching her was creating.
The only thought of breaking the embrace was enough to make his heart hurt.
She cut his trail of thoughts off with a kiss on his neck, like the
ones he had given to her, that sent shudders down his spine. She was both
electrical and magnetic, he thought, smiling unnoticeably again.
Holding her even tighter, if that was possible without hurting her,
he sighed contentedly. She was the only piece lacking to his happiness,
and having her like he had her was amply to pretend that she was really
finishing the jigsaw of his life, instead of just a friend who was a bit
down and that he had tried to comfort.
It was too easy to pretend to have walked more steps in their relationship
than what they had walked yet, indeed. It was too easy to say that he cared
about her faking that she understood it as the expression of his husband's
deepest feeling. Holding her like that was a temptation too big for him,
and it was becoming hard not to let everything loose and forget of
the constrictions of his situation.
As he felt her tighten her grip around his neck as well, he had to
admit that he even, paradoxically, loved her to much to let his lures to
be physical. He wanted to hold her close, to neck and caress her, to make
her as happy as she could be, to cuddle and stroke as if it was nothing
else for them to do in life. He was dying to wash all her worries away
from her with his affect, showing how much he cared every way possible,
but passion was yet to arrive. Although he could dream of her, and he had
to confess to do it constantly, whenever she was around her realness was
taking passion out of the scenery, to have only tenderness and love left.
He wanted her badly. But simply not yet. First he wanted her to be rapturous.
When he got that, the next step would come on time, as long as it did not
interfere with her well-being, of course.
Another kiss, followed by his name, in her soft voice, interrupted
his thoughts again.
"Trunks...", she nearly whispered, breaking such a long silence.
"Aha...?"
"Are you...", she started, and turned her head to look at him as much
as possible, with her head still hidden in his neck. "Are you happy...?"
He smiled sweetly and caressed her back again.
"I'm always happy when you're around."
She nodded, and he felt her smiling again, this time against his shoulder.
"And... you aren't having second thoughts about this night, are you...?",
she shyly asked.
"No, I'm not. You would have to explicitly tell me to leave for me
to think of missing this night!"
She assented again.
"I would never do anything that could lead me to miss your company
either." She stated with convincement. "I'm sorry about the comment before...
I didn't mean it to, but it could be taken as a complaint... It was just
an statement of a fact... But it's a fact that makes me very happy!!"
He couldn't help but chuckle at this comment, while a heat wave propagated
from his stomach to his ears, making him blush with satisfaction.
"I got you, don't worry...", he reassured, soothing. "My, who's the
insecure now...?"
She chuckled and raised a hand to play with his hair.
"I'm very afraid of losing you", she whispered, and he wondered if
she was realising what she was saying, since it seemed to be nothing but
a thought that had escaped her mind by mistake.
He thought of what she was saying, in absolute terms. Her words implied
need of him, a need he suspected but never dared to believe. She needed
him, but once again there was the doubt of the cause being their
friendship or something else. He had always held a hope for her to love
him back, but he was not willing to let it grow. He could always end confounded
by too high hopes and hurt because of misinterpreting. And the bets were
too high not to keep his head as cold as he could.
"I can't understand it...", she sighed, after a short silence, cutting
him in.
"What can't you understand, Panny...?"
Raising her head, she looked at him intently in the eyes for a while.
"Insecurity", she murmured. "We are best friends, we trust each other
completely. We should have more confidence in each other than most of friends
out there. But instead of that, here we are, you being insecure because
you fear to be taking me too much time, and me being insecure because I
fear that you think that." He nodded, thinking of the sad truth that her
words involved, and she rested her head on his shoulder again, making a
pause. "What did we do wrong?"
He shook his head.
"Nothing.", he said, calmly. He knew too well what they had done wrong,
what he, at least, had done wrong. She was considering him beholder of
a confidence that he had failed to deserve several times. She would probably
be disappointed if she knew, but he had hidden things to her, things she
should know, things that were affecting his life in an amazing way. That
was the reason of his lack of self-confidence in their conversations. He
had not been fair to her, hiding such important information, even if it
was about her, or too risky for their friendship.
Suddenly disappointed, he looked down, resting his chin on hers. He
had shown him not worthy of her friendship as soon as he had fallen for
her and had decided to keep it silent. He had been a fool, not realising
that their friendship was not risked, but lost, since the first time he
considered the possibility of being more than friends. Perhaps she had
been trying to save the boat of their link from the wreckage since the
beginning, not knowing that its destiny was as doomed as his destiny itself.
"We did something wrong...", she corrected, still playing with strands
of his hair. "Otherwise, we wouldn't be doubting of what to tell and not
to tell the other..."
He nodded softly.
"I'm sorry...", he thought aloud. "Is there something we can do to
help it...?"
She shrugged.
"I guess so... We should stop doubting!", she said chuckling.
He had to smile as well.
"At least, we have cleared the time-we-spend-together subject, haven't
we?"
"Yes...", she admitted, "but I'm afraid that that's not the only one
separation point between you and me..."
"Separation point...?", he asked, puzzled by the concept.
"Yes...", she answered, explanatory. "We share lots of points of our
lives... Moments we spend together, conversations... The ones we don't
share are making us act weird with each other..."
He nodded, understanding her completely. Separation points, namely,
his feelings.
"Little by little", he assured.
She nodded and slowly let go of him.
"Come on...", she said after a short pause. "Let's clean the table
up and watch the film, shan't we?"
He nodded, and started to let her go as well, with a feeling of loss
that only his will, out of custom, got to hide. He should be used to it,
but it seemed to incomprehensibly grow even bigger every time. Her attractive,
noticed from so near, when embracing her, was one of the most addictive
situations, and he was very afar of being unsusceptible to it.
"Panny...", he called her when she was about to get up, totally separated
from him already. "Do you think that... one day... we will get to share
every point...?"
She smiled sweetly and kissed him on the cheek.
"I don't think so, but we can always try...!", she exclaimed.
He nodded and laid one his hands on one of hers, distractedly observing
their hands as he did.
"Thanks...", he said, softly, looking at her eyes for a brief instant.
"Why...?", she asked, looking questioningly at him.
"For...", he doubted, not really knowing what to choose between the
huge amount of reasons he had to thank her for. "For this night, for always
talking to me, for being my friend..."
She smiled sweetly and cupped his cheek with a hand.
"It is a real pleasure, my darling."
He nodded, ashamed, and put his hand over the one on his cheek.
"I know but... There are lots of things that I have not told you, and...
you still trust me..."
"See...?", she chuckled, "that's what we did wrong! I have also hidden
some things from you, Toran. But it's normal... I mean... some things take
a lot to be confessed... Don't worry..."
With a smile, he took the hand from his cheek and slowly directed it
towards his lips, where a kiss was waiting for it.
"Anyway... Thanks, Panny. I have never had a high concept of me, but
having you as a real friend helps me believe I'm not as bad as I thought
to be. When I'm down you are the reason to cheer up. You know... you are
so perfect, so wonderful... If you are my friend, I can't be that bad...
I must be at least a bit worthy of your affect!"
She chuckled, looking at him with such a loving look that he felt himself
tremble from head to toe.
"You don't know what you're saying...", she whispered back. "You're
very worthy of all my affect... You couldn't be more."
He shyly looked away, feeling as defenceless as a little child in her
arms. He felt as if he was not much but a new-born clinging to her love,
totally depending on her caresses and affection.
She was able to get the best out of him, he thought, with a shudder.
She made him want to be the best, to be enough for her. The only reason
for improvement was her smile. Looking back, he could clearly see the shadow
of her presence in every aspect of his life. When he had started really
caring about his work – as much as he cared then, at least – she had been
his reason, starting to work in the corporation and starting to have free
access to the president's work. He had not wanted her to be disappointed,
he had wanted to make everything as easy as possible for her at the office,
and with hat on mind he had even worked extra hours, helping her to get
used to the routine. When he had started training again – to his mother's
surprise and his father's heart-attack – it had been her again, wanting
this time not to seem an old lazy CEO. Every time he tried to get over
shyness and uncomfortableness, specially when dealing with his secretaries
– the part he hated the most of his work –, every time he tried not to
make a fool of himself when talking to any important people, her again.
She was the reason. She was what made his life and efforts have sense.
He wondered what better description of love there could be.
"You make me want to be better...", he thought aloud, not realising
until it had been said.
Looking up to her, feeling a bit dizzy because of his boldness, he
saw her smile shyly and blush, obviously pleased.
"You make me want to be better too...", she answered, very softly,
and, slowly, got up. "But you are the only one that makes me insecure as
well...!"
He smiled cutely and got up, inviting her to do so. In a short while
they had resumed cleaning the table where he had left the task, gathering
the few dishes let and carrying them to the kitchen. Ecstatic, although
she did not seem to notice the constant grin in his face, he hurried to
finish the cleaning to go to the sofa to watch the film, where he would
be close to her again.
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