Act 1, Scene 1
Our story opens in a town square where people are literally falling-down drunk everywhere you look. Enter a whole bunch of people with weird names.
Flavius
Hence! Home, you idle creatures, get you home! Is this a holiday? What, know you not, being mechanical, you ought not walk upon a laboring day without the sign of your profession? Speak, what trade art thou?
Cobbler
Uhhhhhh.... (starts to drool)
Flavius
Damn falling-down drunkards. Fine, I'll put this simply: what do you do for a living?
Cobbler
I, um, I... (speech trails off as he stares into space in deep thought)
Flavius
Hello? Anyone home? (Notices cobbler has fallen asleep in the fetal position with the bottle of wine in his mouth.) Damn again. (Turns to a barely-standing drunkard, figuring it's the best he'll get.) You there! What's going on here?
Less drunk guy
Caesar Pompeyed defeat yesterday.
Flavius
You don't happen to mean Caesar defeated Pompey yesterday, do you?
Less drunk guy
I'm sorry, sir, but I'm married. (Looks disdainfully at Flavius.)
Flavius throws a right cross to the jaw of the less drunk guy and leaves him sprawled on the floor.
I do so hate drunken peasants, especially this early in the morning. But what could this mean, Caesar defeated Pompey and there is a celebration? Didn't we have a celebration for Pompey when he won? What is Rome becoming? Can we not think for ourselves like civilized men, and not follow the trend of the hour?
Assembled peasants
NO! SHUT UP!
Flavius, defeated, returns to his house to get himself drunk too.
Scene 2
Enter all the important people
Caesar
Calphurnia.
Casca
Peace, ho, Caesar speaks!
Caesar
Don't you ever talk that way to my wife again, you low-class fiend!
Casca
No, sir, you misunderstood! I merely wanted to-
Caesar
Silence! Guards, send this man to the brig!
Guard
Sir, the brig hasn't been invented yet.
Caesar
Oh. Well, in that case, you get away this time, Casca, but be wary...I'm watching you...Now then, as I was saying, Calphurnia, when Antony rides around on his horse blessing women with the power to bear children, I want you to stand right in his way.
Calphurnia
Won't that be just a tad dangerous? Plus, I can already have children...you're infertile. Remember?
Caesar
Shhhh!!! I told you not to talk about that in public!!
Calphurnia
Oh, um, I mean, of course I will, dear, we can't have you without an heir...or something.
Soothsayer
CAESAR.... BEWARE THE IDES OF MARCH...
Caesar
Huh?
Soothsayer
I SAID....BEWARE THE IDES OF MARCH...
Caesar
I'm sorry...what'd he say, Brutus?
Brutus
I believe he warned you to beware the Ides of March, sir.
Caesar
(To soothsayer) I'm quite sorry...could you just repeat that once more, sir?
Soothsayer
BEWARE THE IDES OF MARCH.
Caesar
Oh, he's merely a dreamer...pay him no heed.
Soothsayer
Fine! I hope your friends stab you in the back! Lousy ungrateful so-and-so...
Sennet...all exit but Brutus and Cassius
Brutus
What's a sennet?
Cassius
I don't know....I thought you did.
Brutus
Well, everyone else left...maybe it's a halftime show?
Cassius
It's possible I guess. Anyway, you know what I've been thinking?
Brutus
What is it we do, exactly, in this play? I mean, what do we do for a living? We have no marketable skills of any sort, and never once does it mention us getting money, let alone spending it anywhere.
Cassius
Um...no, but that's close. I was thinking about Caesar.
Brutus
Oh, yeah? I'd sure like a salad or two right now too.
Cassius
Not the salad, you dimwit. The man.
Brutus
Oh...that would explain it.
Cassius
As I was saying, I was thinking about Caesar. What, exactly, makes him better than either of us anyway? It's not like he has that great a personality, and he's got no sense of humor. What could it be?
Brutus
His fashion sense?
Cassius
We all wear the same clothes! Clothes whose style hasn't even been invented yet, for that matter! My point is, Brutus, that we ought to be just as powerful as Caesar.
Brutus
Obviously, my dear misguided friend, the stars have fated us to be in this position.
Cassius
We don't believe in that! Look, ignore the anachronisms, all right?
Brutus
What's an anacrho...anacrho...schism?
Cassius
AAAAAAAAA! Look, I'll put this simply for your benefit: do you want to kill Caesar? Because I'd love to.
Brutus
Isn't that...illegal, or something?
Cassius
Brutus please, we don't have any laws in ancient Rome. The only law is not to mess with an official.
Brutus
Oh...I don't know. We might get caught. Or we might, um, get caught.
Cassius
Fine. I'll deal with this my way, then.
They both just stand there for a second or two
Cassius
GO HOME!
Brutus scurries away
Cassius
Jeez. I guess I'll have to make him an offer he can't refuse...
Laughs maniacally then walks away.
Scene 3
Thunder and lightening
Enter Cicero on the top of one of those public staircase things.
Cicero
Damn but it's cold and wet out here.
Enter Casca
What took you so long? And are you all right? You look like you could use a nice, stiff shot of brandy.
Casca
Are you not moved, when all the sway of the earth shakes like a thing unfirm? O Cicero, I have seen tempests when the scolding winds have rived the knotty oaks, and I have seen the ambitious ocean swell and rage and foam to be exalted with the threatening clouds; but never till tonight, never till now, did I go through a tempest dropping fire. Either there is a civil strife in heaven, or else the world, too saucy with the gods, incenses them to send destruction.
Cicero
Hell, you sound like you could use a stiff shot of brandy, too.
Casca
Er, sorry. That just kinda happens sometimes. Anyway, as I was trying to say, on my way over here, I saw all sorts of crazy stuff. There was this guy with his hand on fire, and lions eating people, and women who said they saw people on fire walking down the street.
Cicero
WOW! Cool! Where?
Casca
What?! No, it's not important. I think, though, that all this unnatural stuff might be an omen.
Cicero
What's an omen?
Casca
Oh, that's right...omens haven't been invented yet.
Cicero
Whatever.
Casca
Well, I'm meeting Cassius here to talk about something in a little while, so you'd better be on your way.
Cicero
Huh? Why?
Casca
It's a... shall we say, private meeting.
Cicero
Not in public it's not.
Casca
It will be if you leave, get my meaning?
Cicero
Well, yes, but I don't want to leave. I want to know what's so important I can't hear about it.
Enter Cassius
Casca
Oh, look at the time, Cicero. Time for you to leave (pushes Cicero down the steps).
Cassius
That was uncalled for.
Casca
Maybe to you.
Cassius
So how come the plans to eliminate Caesar?
Casca
Fairly well. I think, however, that we can safely eliminate Cicero from our plans.
Cassius
Or what's left of him, anyway.
Casca
Indeed. Um...if you don't mind me asking, why don't you have a shirt on?
Cassius
Just to prove that lightning won't hit me, even thought I have no protection against it.
Casca
You'd be just as bad off with your shirt on.
Cassius
Oh, fine. You want the real reason? I got mugged. Someone took my shirt and all the money I supposedly have.
Casca
Oh well.
Cassius
Boy, I can't wait to drive my half-dagger, half-short sword thing the prop boy gave to me straight into Caesar's cold, black heart and free myself from his tyranny.
Casca
He hasn't done anything yet.
Cassius
That's not a good reason not to kill him.
Casca
Good point.
Enter Cinna
Cinna
Wazzzaaaaaap!
Casca
Wazzzaaaaaap!
Cassius
Wazzzaaaaaap!
Cinna
Hey, where's Cicero?
Cicero (from bottom of the steps)
Wazzzaaaaaap! Cough, cough, ouch.
Cinna
So what're you guys doing?
Cassius
Watching Cicero slowly bleed to death, plotting to kill Caesar for no good reason.
Cinna
True.
Casca
True.
Cassius
So far, all we have to do is get Brutus on our side. He's being really stupid, I mean, stubborn, about the entire thing.
Casca
Hey, why don't we write some fake letters to him saying how great he is and how lousy Caesar is?
Cinna
That's the dumbest idea I've ever heard.
Cassius
But keep in mind it is Brutus.
All
Hmmm...
Cinna
Well, I suppose it couldn't hurt...
Cassius
Okay, then, it's agreed. Casca, get those letters to him post-haste, all right?
Casca
No problem. I already have some addressed to myself in case of an emergency breakdown of my self-esteem, so all I'll have to do is re-address them.
Cinna and Cassius look at each other with trepidation
Both
Umm....sure. Okay, we'll see you later.
All exit.
Act 2, Scene 1
Enter Brutus in his orchard
Brutus
Yay! I've got an orchard. Maybe this means I sell wine for a living.
Enter Lucius
Lucius
I think that would require a vineyard, not an orchard, sir.
Brutus
Oh, yeah. Hey, wait a second...why are you up so late?
Lucius
We received about 70 letters for you from some freaky guy who's definitely not the mailman. Anyway, he said they were from various plebeians, and I didn't open any of them because they're all addressed to you.
Brutus
Yippee! My fan club started up!
Lucius
Um...sure. That must be it.
Brutus
Hey, is it the Ides of March yet?
Lucius
Sir, it's kind of September. March is six months away.
Brutus
Go get me a calendar, boy, and I'll see for myself.
Lucius
Whatever.
Lucius exits
Brutus
Well, then. Let's open these letters and see what they say. "Brutus, you're great and Caesar sucks." To the point these plebeians are. "Brutus, Caesar sucks and you're great." Very clever, too. "Brutus, kill Caesar before he does something stupid like giving everyone 75 drachmas." I wonder what that one could mean? "Brutus, you may have just won a million drachmas." Not that again.
Lucius enters
Lucius
Here's your calendar. And it's definitely still September.
Brutus
Well, I'm done reading my letters, so take them and use them for napkins or tissues or something.
Lucius
You know what? It's a damn good thing you pay well, or you wouldn't have me to bother; I'd quit so fast you'd think it was March-oh, no, wait...you already think it's March.
Lucius exits, still grumbling
Brutus
Maybe I will go along with Cassius' crazy plan to murder Caesar after all. I mean, what could go wrong? I could only get caught, mess up my funeral oration, get in a war with Antony, and die, right? Heck, why not indeed.
Lucius enters with conspirators
Lucius
These men say that they're related to you. They're not, but I let them in anyway.
Brutus
Good job. Now scram.
Lucius exits, cursing Brutus' ancestors.
All
WAZZZAAAAAAP!
Cassius
Hey, do you want to kill Caesar yet?
Brutus
Sure.
Cassius
Good, because I brought along some guys that'll help us out.
Brutus
Cool.
Metellus
Observe, fellow conspirators. As it is now close to dawn, the sun will be rising in this direction, which is the east (points). And what exactly do I do in this play?
Decius
Nay, it can't be so. The east is this direction (points in the opposite direction). And I certainly don't know. Most likely we just argue about where east is.
Brutus
You're both wrong. East is this way (points up).
Everyone else
Hahahahaha. You're pretty stupid.
Brutus
Why?
Cassius
No reason. Hey guys, do you want to let Cicero into our group too?
Cinna
Isn't he dead?
Cassius
Oh yeah. When we pushed him down the stairs, his ribs broke and pierced his lungs. I almost forgot.
Cinna
That's okay. He was probably going to die soon anyway.
Decius
Hey, since we're going to kill Caesar (seeing as there's no Secret Service yet to protect him) why don't we kill Antony too?
Brutus
That would be like hacking the arms off of a decapitated man.
Decius
Exactly. Haven't you ever tried that? It's great!
Several nod their heads in agreement.
Brutus
Well, I still say it's just gratuitous, and I won't do it.
Cassius
Plus, if we kill him, who's gonna screw us at the end of the play?
Everyone else (murmuring)
Good point, good point.
Brutus
So it's decided: we kill Caesar then just kind of piddle around until Antony finds a way to turn Rome against us, drive us out, and lead an army against us with the greatest military minds of the time as his generals, whereas we just have me and Cassius?
Everyone else
Yep.
Brutus
Cool. Now, then, who wants a drink or two? It's not often you get the chance to actually be drunk before the day begins, y'know.
Everyone else
Good point.
All exit inside presumably to consume mass amounts of alcohol.
EDITOR'S NOTE: I THINK IT CHANGED FROM SEPTEMBER TO MARCH SOMEWHERE IN BETWEEN ACT 2, SCENE 1, BUT I'M NOT SURE. JUST ASSUME IT DID.
Scene 2
Thunder and lightning.
Enter Caesar in his nighties.
Caesar
Brrr...stupid rain is soaking me.
Enter Calphurnia
Calphurnia
Caesar! What are you doing out in this terrible storm so early in the morning? Are you stupid? (pauses a second and does a double-take) AND WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING IN MY G-STRING??!??!??!??!
Caesar
Er...heh...I thought it was, um, an, um, thing? You know, that you wear?
Calphurnia
(Picks up a piece of wood and whacks Caesar over the head.) Get inside, you moron. I've got something I need to tell you.
They go inside
Calphurnia
I think you're in trouble.
Caesar
How so?
Calphurnia
Well, I had this dream that Brutus and Cassius got together this band of people and killed you in the Senate today. I'm not exactly sure what it means, but I think it's bad.
Caesar
Hmmmm...well, just to be on the safe side, I'll stay home today, okay?
Calphurnia
That would be wonderful.
Caesar
Ah, here comes Decius Brutus. He can tell everyone that I'm sick or something.
Decius
What are you doing?
Caesar
What are you doing?
Both laugh
Decius
Well, time to get going, eh?
Caesar
Oh, I can't. I have to, um, wash my car today.
Decius
I get the sense that you're lying. What's the real reason you're not coming?
Caesar
I can't put anything past you, can I Decius? Well, the real reason is that Calphurnia dreamt that Brutus and Cassius and their conspirator friends stabbed me today in the Senate. To make her happy, I'm staying home.
Decius
Oh, silly Caesar. That dream doesn't mean that they will stab you, it means that they wouldn't ever dream of stabbing you.
Caesar
Ha ha! I knew it! Well, then, it's off to the Senate I go!
Calphurnia
But...but...that doesn't make any sense at all!
Decius
Sure it does. You dreamt this, so obviously it can't be real. It has to mean that only in a dream world they would do something so terrible.
Caesar
That makes sense to me!
Calphurnia
But...but...but...
Caesar
Bye!
Caesar and Decius exit
Calphurnia
But...but...but...but...
Scene 4
Enter Portia and Lucius
Portia
Go to the Senate.
Lucius
Who are you?
Portia
I'm Brutus' wife.
Lucius
Gee, you must do even less than me in this play if I don't know you.
Portia
Look, just go to the Senate.
Lucius
Why?
Portia
I'm Brutus' wife! It doesn't matter why! You have to do what I say!
Lucius
Why?
Enter Soothsayer
Soothsayer
Hey, you guys want to come with me to the Senate? We've got to get there early if we want to get the good seats.
Both
Good seats?
Soothsayer
Oh, you don't know? Caesar's getting stabbed to death today.
Lucius
Well, maybe I'll go to the Senate after all...
All exit
Act 3, Scene 1
Enter all the important people
Caesar
Well, it's the Ides of March, and nothing bad has happened to me.
Soothsayer
(Cackles.) Yet.
Caesar
What's that supposed to mean?
Soothsayer
Oh, nothing.
Artemidorus
Hey Caesar, I think you're going to be stabbed to death today.
Caesar
What IS it with you people and stabbing me to death??? Good lords, can't you just get it through your head? I'm not going to die!
They continue to argue until they enter the Senate and Caesar takes his seat.
Caesar
Now, then, what shall we do today?
Metellus
Will you pardon my brother?
Caesar
Huh? Who are you? Where'd you come from?
Metellus
Oh. I don't actually have any role in this play, but I'm a conspirator.
Caesar
Well, seeing as I don't remember who your brother is or why I banished him, heck no I'm not going to pardon him!
Metellus
Pretty please, with a cherry on top?
Caesar
No!
Brutus
What if I ask?
Caesar
Why would that change anything?
Brutus
I don't know.
Cassius
What about me?
Caesar
For goodness sakes, no!
Cinna, Decius, and Casca
How 'bout us?
Caesar
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE??!?
Casca gets up and stabs Caesar in the back of the neck.
Caesar
OW! Okay, I'll consider the pardon, geez...
Cinna
Oh, no you won't.
Cinna stabs Caesar in the chest
Cassius stabs Caesar in the leg, Decius, in the arm, and Metellus, in the temple.
Caesar
Look, I said I'd consider it, okay? Just give me some time!
Brutus stabs Caesar in the crotch.
Caesar (in that funny voice you get when you breathe helium)
Goddammit, you moron. I'm just gonna order your brother killed if you don't cut this out!
Brutus
Just die already, you stupid dictator you!
Brutus cuts Caesar's head off
Caesar
I'm not dead yet! Put my head back on! Hurry up, now!
Caesar continues to babble as Cassius takes out his vocal cords, chops them into little pieces, and sautés them.
Caesar
If I could send neural impulses to my arms, I'd beat the daylights out of you nimrods!
Brutus chucks Caesar's still-talking head out of the window out into the street, where the masses trample it into a red spot on the ancient pavement.
Conspirators
Finally.
Soothsayer, Portia, Lucius
Woo hoo! Encore! Encore!
Enter Antony
Antony
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! WHAT HAPPENED TO CAESAR?????
Cassius
Oh, we killed him.
Antony
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
Brutus
Don't worry, he wasn't that great of a guy anyway.
Antony
I'M GOING TO KILL YOU GUYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Casca
You know, that would make this an awfully short play. Only 3 acts and all.
Antony
Good point. I'll wait till later.
Decius
Want to go give a eulogy or two, you guys?
Everyone else
Sure.
All exit
Scene 2
Enter the conspirators, Antony, and a huge Roman mob.
NOTE: IN THE INTEREST OF TIME AND RAINFOREST CONSERVATION, I HAVE CHOSEN TO PUT IN ONLY THE SUMMARIZED VERSIONS OF THE FUNERAL ORATIONS
Brutus
Hey, he was gonna mess you guys up by becoming a dictator.
Plebeians
Good point.
Brutus
Okay, time for Antony to say something.
Antony
Caesar wasn't ambitious at all: he gave you guys a year's salary and anyway Brutus is honorable.
Plebeians
Huh?
Antony
Brutus is wrong, but honorable.
Plebeians
We don't get it.
Antony
Fine. Screw it. Go get Brutus and his friends. Sic, boys, sic.
Plebeians
Yay! We get to burn stuff and not get arrested!
Antony
Yippee! I win.
Conspirators
Darn.
Conspirators exit on horses chased by plebeians.
Antony
Well, I guess I just sit here and twiddle my thumbs or something...
Antony exits, thumbs a-twiddling.
Scene 3
Enter a bunch of angry plebeians and Cinna the Poet
Cinna
Hey! Since when am I a poet? I thought I was a conspirator?
Plebeians
Conspirator! Let's tear him into little pieces and eat him!
Cinna
If you do, I suggest a nice red wine sauce-wait a second! You can't eat me! Just because I have the name of a conspirator doesn't mean I am one!
Plebeians
Fine. If you're not a conspirator, what are you?
Cinna
Apparently, I'm a poet. I mean, I thought I was a conspirator too, but it says just 13 lines up that I'm a poet, so I guess I am.
Plebeians
We don't get it. Anyway, we're plebeians so we don't have to listen to you.
Cinna
What? That's not fair! OW!
The plebeians tear him into little pieces and eat him, inadvertently inventing the Chicken McNugget.
All exit, if not in one piece.
Scene 2
Enter Brutus' army.
Brutus
Well, guys, we've sure done it this time.
Lucius
Why am I here? I never did anything. I don't deserve to die.
Brutus
Stop whining.
Pindarus
What, exactly, are we doing here?
Brutus
We're waiting for Cassius to show up with his army.
Cassius (Taps Brutus on the shoulder.)
Um, hello? I've been here the entire time.
Brutus
Oh! Good! Then we can get started.
Cassius
Yeah, we sure can. You bum, you cheated me.
Brutus
Huh?
Cassius
No, wait. Let's argue inside so no one can tell we're arguing.
Assembled army folk
Good idea.
Cassius and Brutus go inside their tent.
Brutus
Now, then, what's this about me cheating you?
Cassius
I don't exactly understand what happened, but I know you did.
Brutus
What? Well, that's why you like taking bribes, right?
Cassius
Actually, I like taking bribes because I get lots of money.
Brutus
Aha! You admit to it!
Cassius
So? I'm not in power! The idiots who gave me bribes aren't getting anything in return!
Brutus
Yeah, right.
Cassius
Hey, I'm a stronger soldier than you are, so I'd shut up if I were you.
Brutus
No you're not.
Cassius
What nonsense. You couldn't tell a sword from a squirrel. You'd probably end up defeating yourself for me!
Brutus
So?
Cassius
When Caesar lived he durst not thus have moved me.
Brutus
Peace, peace! You durst not have so tempted him.
Cassius
I durst not?
Brutus
No.
Cassius
What? Durst not tempt him?
Brutus
For my life you durst not.
Both pause.
Cassius
Um, out of curiosity, what the hell does durst mean?
Brutus
I don't know...I thought maybe you did.
Cassius
Then we weren't really arguing about anything, were we?
Brutus
I guess not.
Cassius
Well, in that case, want to go fight now?
Brutus
Okay. A good night's sleep will be good for both of us before a battle, eh?
Cassius
Yep. In fact, I think I'll get started on my sleep right now.
Brutus
It's 4 in the afternoon.
Cassius
The longer the sleep, the better, right?
Brutus
I guess.
Cassius
Right.
Cassius exits. Enter the ghost of Caesar.
Ghost of Caesar
Brutus, you ingrate.
Brutus
Eek! It's the ghost of Caesar!
Ghost of Caesar
How could you tell?
Brutus
Well, your head's kind of flat and it's not really attached to your body.
Ghost of Caesar
Ah. That would do it.
Brutus
Is there any reason for you to be here?
Ghost of Caesar
Sure. Firstly and foremostly, I have to bother you. Secondly, thought, I have to tell you that you're going to lose at Philippi and that I'll see you there. Oh, you might want to sharpen your sword a little, because I hear it hurts less that way.
Brutus
Huh?
The ghost of Caesar exits.
Brutus
That was really weird. Well, I suppose I'll have to go to sleep now so I can be fresh for my loss tomorrow.
Brutus goes to sleep, and somehow manages to exit anyway.
Act 5, Scene 1
Enter Antony's army.
Octavius
Aha! We'll soon get to murder lots of people senselessly and drink their blood, as is the tradition among us Romans! Aha!
Antony
What are you talking about?
Octavius
I'm not actually sure. I read it in National Geographic somewhere.
Antony
Well, if National Geographic says so, I guess we ought to at least try.
Both turn to their army.
Both
OKAY, BOYS. IF WE WIN, WE DRINK THEIR BLOOD!
Army
WHAT?!
Both
IT SAYS SO IN NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC!
Army
Oh. Okay, then.
Enter Cassius' and Brutus' army.
Brutus
Boy, I sure am rested.
Cassius
Me too!
Brutus
It's too bad Caesar's ghost has prophesied our death today.
Cassius
What's this? Why you didn't tell me about this?
Brutus
Oh, I didn't think you'd want me to disturb your sleep.
Cassius (To Antony's army.)
Hey guys? Can you maybe postpone this thing a day or two?
Antony pokes Cassius with his sword
Octavius
Not likely.
Cassius
Aw, darn. Well, then, could you at least give us some time to better prepare ourselves?
Antony
Sure, why not.
FIVE MINUTES LATER
Antony
Ready yet?
Cassius
What? No!
Antony
Too bad. CHARGE!
The two armies do battle, and Antony's is winning by a large margin.
Cassius
Well, it looks like I'm losing. I guess I'd better exit the battle so I can commit suicide like a good Roman.
Cassius rides through the battle, slaying seventy-five percent of the opposing army, and snags Pindarus on the way. He stops about fifty feet away from the battle.
Cassius
Okay, Pindarus, you know the drill.
Pindarus
Aw, common. We weren't really doing that badly, were we?
Cassius
Yeah we were. Anyway, if Caesar's ghost fated us to die, who are we to deny him?
Pindarus
Yeah, okay. Plus, even with all of this fighting, I don't think I've killed anyone. I guess starting with you wouldn't hurt.
Cassius
That's the attitude. Here, hold this (Unsheathes his sword).
Pindarus
Ready?
Cassius (Gulps.)
Ready.
Cassius runs into his sword, and struggles, coughing, to the ground.
Cassius
OUCH.
Cassius dies.
Pindarus
AHA! I HAVE VANQUISHED THE ENEMY! HAHAHAHAHAHA!
Pindarus leaves to go kill some more people, and immediately runs into a spear being held by a dead man, and dies.
Scene 2
Enter Brutus and some of his friends.
Brutus
Well, guys, it looks like this is the end.
Flavius
Hey, remember me from the very first scene?
Brutus
Actually, no.
Flavius
Well, anyway, why do you think the end is near now?
Brutus
For one thing, there are only a few pages left of the entire play. For another, I'm feeling this undeniable urge to stab myself in the heart and end my pitiful and nonsensical life.
Flavius
That's a good indicator of the end, I suppose.
Brutus
Gurgle gurgle gurgle.
Flavius
What's that? Oh, never mind. You must be choking on your own blood from stabbing yourself. Well, I'll assume you said, "All of my worldly possessions are now yours." Thanks!
Brutus
Gurgle (Slumps over, dead).
Scene 3
Enter Antony and his cohorts.
Antony
Congratulations, fellow cohorts, on a well-deserved victory!
Octavius
Isn't "fellow cohorts" redundant?
Antony
Why?
Octavius
Well, the "co" indicates that they're fellow, so it should either be "fellow horts" or just plain "cohorts."
Antony
I suppose that's correct. In that case, fellow horts, congratulations on a well-deserved victory!
Octavius
Much better.
Antony (Looks down to discover he's standing on the bodies of Cassius and Brutus)
Wow. Someone sure did a number on these guys.
Octavius (Looks down to discover he's standing in the small intestines of Cassius and Brutus)
Someone sure did.
Antony
I guess this means we can't bring them in for trial and probably a nice, violent, public death involving lions.
Octavius
I haven't seen one of those in too long.
Antony
Hey, you know what I think I'll do now?
Octavius
What?
Antony
I think I'll extol Brutus even though I've opposed him every step of the way from line 1.
Octavius
Sounds like a good idea to me.
Antony
According to his virtue, let us use him with all respect and tires of burial. Within my tent his bones tonight shall life, most like a soldier, ordered honorably. So call the field to rest, and let's away to part the glories of this happy day.
Octavius
Does that mean you'll be sleeping next to his corpse or on it?
Antony
I don't know. Both?
Octavius nods in agreement and all exit.
Our story opens in a town square where people are literally falling-down drunk everywhere you look. Enter a whole bunch of people with weird names.
Flavius
Hence! Home, you idle creatures, get you home! Is this a holiday? What, know you not, being mechanical, you ought not walk upon a laboring day without the sign of your profession? Speak, what trade art thou?
Cobbler
Uhhhhhh.... (starts to drool)
Flavius
Damn falling-down drunkards. Fine, I'll put this simply: what do you do for a living?
Cobbler
I, um, I... (speech trails off as he stares into space in deep thought)
Flavius
Hello? Anyone home? (Notices cobbler has fallen asleep in the fetal position with the bottle of wine in his mouth.) Damn again. (Turns to a barely-standing drunkard, figuring it's the best he'll get.) You there! What's going on here?
Less drunk guy
Caesar Pompeyed defeat yesterday.
Flavius
You don't happen to mean Caesar defeated Pompey yesterday, do you?
Less drunk guy
I'm sorry, sir, but I'm married. (Looks disdainfully at Flavius.)
Flavius throws a right cross to the jaw of the less drunk guy and leaves him sprawled on the floor.
I do so hate drunken peasants, especially this early in the morning. But what could this mean, Caesar defeated Pompey and there is a celebration? Didn't we have a celebration for Pompey when he won? What is Rome becoming? Can we not think for ourselves like civilized men, and not follow the trend of the hour?
Assembled peasants
NO! SHUT UP!
Flavius, defeated, returns to his house to get himself drunk too.
Scene 2
Enter all the important people
Caesar
Calphurnia.
Casca
Peace, ho, Caesar speaks!
Caesar
Don't you ever talk that way to my wife again, you low-class fiend!
Casca
No, sir, you misunderstood! I merely wanted to-
Caesar
Silence! Guards, send this man to the brig!
Guard
Sir, the brig hasn't been invented yet.
Caesar
Oh. Well, in that case, you get away this time, Casca, but be wary...I'm watching you...Now then, as I was saying, Calphurnia, when Antony rides around on his horse blessing women with the power to bear children, I want you to stand right in his way.
Calphurnia
Won't that be just a tad dangerous? Plus, I can already have children...you're infertile. Remember?
Caesar
Shhhh!!! I told you not to talk about that in public!!
Calphurnia
Oh, um, I mean, of course I will, dear, we can't have you without an heir...or something.
Soothsayer
CAESAR.... BEWARE THE IDES OF MARCH...
Caesar
Huh?
Soothsayer
I SAID....BEWARE THE IDES OF MARCH...
Caesar
I'm sorry...what'd he say, Brutus?
Brutus
I believe he warned you to beware the Ides of March, sir.
Caesar
(To soothsayer) I'm quite sorry...could you just repeat that once more, sir?
Soothsayer
BEWARE THE IDES OF MARCH.
Caesar
Oh, he's merely a dreamer...pay him no heed.
Soothsayer
Fine! I hope your friends stab you in the back! Lousy ungrateful so-and-so...
Sennet...all exit but Brutus and Cassius
Brutus
What's a sennet?
Cassius
I don't know....I thought you did.
Brutus
Well, everyone else left...maybe it's a halftime show?
Cassius
It's possible I guess. Anyway, you know what I've been thinking?
Brutus
What is it we do, exactly, in this play? I mean, what do we do for a living? We have no marketable skills of any sort, and never once does it mention us getting money, let alone spending it anywhere.
Cassius
Um...no, but that's close. I was thinking about Caesar.
Brutus
Oh, yeah? I'd sure like a salad or two right now too.
Cassius
Not the salad, you dimwit. The man.
Brutus
Oh...that would explain it.
Cassius
As I was saying, I was thinking about Caesar. What, exactly, makes him better than either of us anyway? It's not like he has that great a personality, and he's got no sense of humor. What could it be?
Brutus
His fashion sense?
Cassius
We all wear the same clothes! Clothes whose style hasn't even been invented yet, for that matter! My point is, Brutus, that we ought to be just as powerful as Caesar.
Brutus
Obviously, my dear misguided friend, the stars have fated us to be in this position.
Cassius
We don't believe in that! Look, ignore the anachronisms, all right?
Brutus
What's an anacrho...anacrho...schism?
Cassius
AAAAAAAAA! Look, I'll put this simply for your benefit: do you want to kill Caesar? Because I'd love to.
Brutus
Isn't that...illegal, or something?
Cassius
Brutus please, we don't have any laws in ancient Rome. The only law is not to mess with an official.
Brutus
Oh...I don't know. We might get caught. Or we might, um, get caught.
Cassius
Fine. I'll deal with this my way, then.
They both just stand there for a second or two
Cassius
GO HOME!
Brutus scurries away
Cassius
Jeez. I guess I'll have to make him an offer he can't refuse...
Laughs maniacally then walks away.
Scene 3
Thunder and lightening
Enter Cicero on the top of one of those public staircase things.
Cicero
Damn but it's cold and wet out here.
Enter Casca
What took you so long? And are you all right? You look like you could use a nice, stiff shot of brandy.
Casca
Are you not moved, when all the sway of the earth shakes like a thing unfirm? O Cicero, I have seen tempests when the scolding winds have rived the knotty oaks, and I have seen the ambitious ocean swell and rage and foam to be exalted with the threatening clouds; but never till tonight, never till now, did I go through a tempest dropping fire. Either there is a civil strife in heaven, or else the world, too saucy with the gods, incenses them to send destruction.
Cicero
Hell, you sound like you could use a stiff shot of brandy, too.
Casca
Er, sorry. That just kinda happens sometimes. Anyway, as I was trying to say, on my way over here, I saw all sorts of crazy stuff. There was this guy with his hand on fire, and lions eating people, and women who said they saw people on fire walking down the street.
Cicero
WOW! Cool! Where?
Casca
What?! No, it's not important. I think, though, that all this unnatural stuff might be an omen.
Cicero
What's an omen?
Casca
Oh, that's right...omens haven't been invented yet.
Cicero
Whatever.
Casca
Well, I'm meeting Cassius here to talk about something in a little while, so you'd better be on your way.
Cicero
Huh? Why?
Casca
It's a... shall we say, private meeting.
Cicero
Not in public it's not.
Casca
It will be if you leave, get my meaning?
Cicero
Well, yes, but I don't want to leave. I want to know what's so important I can't hear about it.
Enter Cassius
Casca
Oh, look at the time, Cicero. Time for you to leave (pushes Cicero down the steps).
Cassius
That was uncalled for.
Casca
Maybe to you.
Cassius
So how come the plans to eliminate Caesar?
Casca
Fairly well. I think, however, that we can safely eliminate Cicero from our plans.
Cassius
Or what's left of him, anyway.
Casca
Indeed. Um...if you don't mind me asking, why don't you have a shirt on?
Cassius
Just to prove that lightning won't hit me, even thought I have no protection against it.
Casca
You'd be just as bad off with your shirt on.
Cassius
Oh, fine. You want the real reason? I got mugged. Someone took my shirt and all the money I supposedly have.
Casca
Oh well.
Cassius
Boy, I can't wait to drive my half-dagger, half-short sword thing the prop boy gave to me straight into Caesar's cold, black heart and free myself from his tyranny.
Casca
He hasn't done anything yet.
Cassius
That's not a good reason not to kill him.
Casca
Good point.
Enter Cinna
Cinna
Wazzzaaaaaap!
Casca
Wazzzaaaaaap!
Cassius
Wazzzaaaaaap!
Cinna
Hey, where's Cicero?
Cicero (from bottom of the steps)
Wazzzaaaaaap! Cough, cough, ouch.
Cinna
So what're you guys doing?
Cassius
Watching Cicero slowly bleed to death, plotting to kill Caesar for no good reason.
Cinna
True.
Casca
True.
Cassius
So far, all we have to do is get Brutus on our side. He's being really stupid, I mean, stubborn, about the entire thing.
Casca
Hey, why don't we write some fake letters to him saying how great he is and how lousy Caesar is?
Cinna
That's the dumbest idea I've ever heard.
Cassius
But keep in mind it is Brutus.
All
Hmmm...
Cinna
Well, I suppose it couldn't hurt...
Cassius
Okay, then, it's agreed. Casca, get those letters to him post-haste, all right?
Casca
No problem. I already have some addressed to myself in case of an emergency breakdown of my self-esteem, so all I'll have to do is re-address them.
Cinna and Cassius look at each other with trepidation
Both
Umm....sure. Okay, we'll see you later.
All exit.
Act 2, Scene 1
Enter Brutus in his orchard
Brutus
Yay! I've got an orchard. Maybe this means I sell wine for a living.
Enter Lucius
Lucius
I think that would require a vineyard, not an orchard, sir.
Brutus
Oh, yeah. Hey, wait a second...why are you up so late?
Lucius
We received about 70 letters for you from some freaky guy who's definitely not the mailman. Anyway, he said they were from various plebeians, and I didn't open any of them because they're all addressed to you.
Brutus
Yippee! My fan club started up!
Lucius
Um...sure. That must be it.
Brutus
Hey, is it the Ides of March yet?
Lucius
Sir, it's kind of September. March is six months away.
Brutus
Go get me a calendar, boy, and I'll see for myself.
Lucius
Whatever.
Lucius exits
Brutus
Well, then. Let's open these letters and see what they say. "Brutus, you're great and Caesar sucks." To the point these plebeians are. "Brutus, Caesar sucks and you're great." Very clever, too. "Brutus, kill Caesar before he does something stupid like giving everyone 75 drachmas." I wonder what that one could mean? "Brutus, you may have just won a million drachmas." Not that again.
Lucius enters
Lucius
Here's your calendar. And it's definitely still September.
Brutus
Well, I'm done reading my letters, so take them and use them for napkins or tissues or something.
Lucius
You know what? It's a damn good thing you pay well, or you wouldn't have me to bother; I'd quit so fast you'd think it was March-oh, no, wait...you already think it's March.
Lucius exits, still grumbling
Brutus
Maybe I will go along with Cassius' crazy plan to murder Caesar after all. I mean, what could go wrong? I could only get caught, mess up my funeral oration, get in a war with Antony, and die, right? Heck, why not indeed.
Lucius enters with conspirators
Lucius
These men say that they're related to you. They're not, but I let them in anyway.
Brutus
Good job. Now scram.
Lucius exits, cursing Brutus' ancestors.
All
WAZZZAAAAAAP!
Cassius
Hey, do you want to kill Caesar yet?
Brutus
Sure.
Cassius
Good, because I brought along some guys that'll help us out.
Brutus
Cool.
Metellus
Observe, fellow conspirators. As it is now close to dawn, the sun will be rising in this direction, which is the east (points). And what exactly do I do in this play?
Decius
Nay, it can't be so. The east is this direction (points in the opposite direction). And I certainly don't know. Most likely we just argue about where east is.
Brutus
You're both wrong. East is this way (points up).
Everyone else
Hahahahaha. You're pretty stupid.
Brutus
Why?
Cassius
No reason. Hey guys, do you want to let Cicero into our group too?
Cinna
Isn't he dead?
Cassius
Oh yeah. When we pushed him down the stairs, his ribs broke and pierced his lungs. I almost forgot.
Cinna
That's okay. He was probably going to die soon anyway.
Decius
Hey, since we're going to kill Caesar (seeing as there's no Secret Service yet to protect him) why don't we kill Antony too?
Brutus
That would be like hacking the arms off of a decapitated man.
Decius
Exactly. Haven't you ever tried that? It's great!
Several nod their heads in agreement.
Brutus
Well, I still say it's just gratuitous, and I won't do it.
Cassius
Plus, if we kill him, who's gonna screw us at the end of the play?
Everyone else (murmuring)
Good point, good point.
Brutus
So it's decided: we kill Caesar then just kind of piddle around until Antony finds a way to turn Rome against us, drive us out, and lead an army against us with the greatest military minds of the time as his generals, whereas we just have me and Cassius?
Everyone else
Yep.
Brutus
Cool. Now, then, who wants a drink or two? It's not often you get the chance to actually be drunk before the day begins, y'know.
Everyone else
Good point.
All exit inside presumably to consume mass amounts of alcohol.
EDITOR'S NOTE: I THINK IT CHANGED FROM SEPTEMBER TO MARCH SOMEWHERE IN BETWEEN ACT 2, SCENE 1, BUT I'M NOT SURE. JUST ASSUME IT DID.
Scene 2
Thunder and lightning.
Enter Caesar in his nighties.
Caesar
Brrr...stupid rain is soaking me.
Enter Calphurnia
Calphurnia
Caesar! What are you doing out in this terrible storm so early in the morning? Are you stupid? (pauses a second and does a double-take) AND WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING IN MY G-STRING??!??!??!??!
Caesar
Er...heh...I thought it was, um, an, um, thing? You know, that you wear?
Calphurnia
(Picks up a piece of wood and whacks Caesar over the head.) Get inside, you moron. I've got something I need to tell you.
They go inside
Calphurnia
I think you're in trouble.
Caesar
How so?
Calphurnia
Well, I had this dream that Brutus and Cassius got together this band of people and killed you in the Senate today. I'm not exactly sure what it means, but I think it's bad.
Caesar
Hmmmm...well, just to be on the safe side, I'll stay home today, okay?
Calphurnia
That would be wonderful.
Caesar
Ah, here comes Decius Brutus. He can tell everyone that I'm sick or something.
Decius
What are you doing?
Caesar
What are you doing?
Both laugh
Decius
Well, time to get going, eh?
Caesar
Oh, I can't. I have to, um, wash my car today.
Decius
I get the sense that you're lying. What's the real reason you're not coming?
Caesar
I can't put anything past you, can I Decius? Well, the real reason is that Calphurnia dreamt that Brutus and Cassius and their conspirator friends stabbed me today in the Senate. To make her happy, I'm staying home.
Decius
Oh, silly Caesar. That dream doesn't mean that they will stab you, it means that they wouldn't ever dream of stabbing you.
Caesar
Ha ha! I knew it! Well, then, it's off to the Senate I go!
Calphurnia
But...but...that doesn't make any sense at all!
Decius
Sure it does. You dreamt this, so obviously it can't be real. It has to mean that only in a dream world they would do something so terrible.
Caesar
That makes sense to me!
Calphurnia
But...but...but...
Caesar
Bye!
Caesar and Decius exit
Calphurnia
But...but...but...but...
Scene 4
Enter Portia and Lucius
Portia
Go to the Senate.
Lucius
Who are you?
Portia
I'm Brutus' wife.
Lucius
Gee, you must do even less than me in this play if I don't know you.
Portia
Look, just go to the Senate.
Lucius
Why?
Portia
I'm Brutus' wife! It doesn't matter why! You have to do what I say!
Lucius
Why?
Enter Soothsayer
Soothsayer
Hey, you guys want to come with me to the Senate? We've got to get there early if we want to get the good seats.
Both
Good seats?
Soothsayer
Oh, you don't know? Caesar's getting stabbed to death today.
Lucius
Well, maybe I'll go to the Senate after all...
All exit
Act 3, Scene 1
Enter all the important people
Caesar
Well, it's the Ides of March, and nothing bad has happened to me.
Soothsayer
(Cackles.) Yet.
Caesar
What's that supposed to mean?
Soothsayer
Oh, nothing.
Artemidorus
Hey Caesar, I think you're going to be stabbed to death today.
Caesar
What IS it with you people and stabbing me to death??? Good lords, can't you just get it through your head? I'm not going to die!
They continue to argue until they enter the Senate and Caesar takes his seat.
Caesar
Now, then, what shall we do today?
Metellus
Will you pardon my brother?
Caesar
Huh? Who are you? Where'd you come from?
Metellus
Oh. I don't actually have any role in this play, but I'm a conspirator.
Caesar
Well, seeing as I don't remember who your brother is or why I banished him, heck no I'm not going to pardon him!
Metellus
Pretty please, with a cherry on top?
Caesar
No!
Brutus
What if I ask?
Caesar
Why would that change anything?
Brutus
I don't know.
Cassius
What about me?
Caesar
For goodness sakes, no!
Cinna, Decius, and Casca
How 'bout us?
Caesar
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE??!?
Casca gets up and stabs Caesar in the back of the neck.
Caesar
OW! Okay, I'll consider the pardon, geez...
Cinna
Oh, no you won't.
Cinna stabs Caesar in the chest
Cassius stabs Caesar in the leg, Decius, in the arm, and Metellus, in the temple.
Caesar
Look, I said I'd consider it, okay? Just give me some time!
Brutus stabs Caesar in the crotch.
Caesar (in that funny voice you get when you breathe helium)
Goddammit, you moron. I'm just gonna order your brother killed if you don't cut this out!
Brutus
Just die already, you stupid dictator you!
Brutus cuts Caesar's head off
Caesar
I'm not dead yet! Put my head back on! Hurry up, now!
Caesar continues to babble as Cassius takes out his vocal cords, chops them into little pieces, and sautés them.
Caesar
If I could send neural impulses to my arms, I'd beat the daylights out of you nimrods!
Brutus chucks Caesar's still-talking head out of the window out into the street, where the masses trample it into a red spot on the ancient pavement.
Conspirators
Finally.
Soothsayer, Portia, Lucius
Woo hoo! Encore! Encore!
Enter Antony
Antony
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! WHAT HAPPENED TO CAESAR?????
Cassius
Oh, we killed him.
Antony
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
Brutus
Don't worry, he wasn't that great of a guy anyway.
Antony
I'M GOING TO KILL YOU GUYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Casca
You know, that would make this an awfully short play. Only 3 acts and all.
Antony
Good point. I'll wait till later.
Decius
Want to go give a eulogy or two, you guys?
Everyone else
Sure.
All exit
Scene 2
Enter the conspirators, Antony, and a huge Roman mob.
NOTE: IN THE INTEREST OF TIME AND RAINFOREST CONSERVATION, I HAVE CHOSEN TO PUT IN ONLY THE SUMMARIZED VERSIONS OF THE FUNERAL ORATIONS
Brutus
Hey, he was gonna mess you guys up by becoming a dictator.
Plebeians
Good point.
Brutus
Okay, time for Antony to say something.
Antony
Caesar wasn't ambitious at all: he gave you guys a year's salary and anyway Brutus is honorable.
Plebeians
Huh?
Antony
Brutus is wrong, but honorable.
Plebeians
We don't get it.
Antony
Fine. Screw it. Go get Brutus and his friends. Sic, boys, sic.
Plebeians
Yay! We get to burn stuff and not get arrested!
Antony
Yippee! I win.
Conspirators
Darn.
Conspirators exit on horses chased by plebeians.
Antony
Well, I guess I just sit here and twiddle my thumbs or something...
Antony exits, thumbs a-twiddling.
Scene 3
Enter a bunch of angry plebeians and Cinna the Poet
Cinna
Hey! Since when am I a poet? I thought I was a conspirator?
Plebeians
Conspirator! Let's tear him into little pieces and eat him!
Cinna
If you do, I suggest a nice red wine sauce-wait a second! You can't eat me! Just because I have the name of a conspirator doesn't mean I am one!
Plebeians
Fine. If you're not a conspirator, what are you?
Cinna
Apparently, I'm a poet. I mean, I thought I was a conspirator too, but it says just 13 lines up that I'm a poet, so I guess I am.
Plebeians
We don't get it. Anyway, we're plebeians so we don't have to listen to you.
Cinna
What? That's not fair! OW!
The plebeians tear him into little pieces and eat him, inadvertently inventing the Chicken McNugget.
All exit, if not in one piece.
Scene 2
Enter Brutus' army.
Brutus
Well, guys, we've sure done it this time.
Lucius
Why am I here? I never did anything. I don't deserve to die.
Brutus
Stop whining.
Pindarus
What, exactly, are we doing here?
Brutus
We're waiting for Cassius to show up with his army.
Cassius (Taps Brutus on the shoulder.)
Um, hello? I've been here the entire time.
Brutus
Oh! Good! Then we can get started.
Cassius
Yeah, we sure can. You bum, you cheated me.
Brutus
Huh?
Cassius
No, wait. Let's argue inside so no one can tell we're arguing.
Assembled army folk
Good idea.
Cassius and Brutus go inside their tent.
Brutus
Now, then, what's this about me cheating you?
Cassius
I don't exactly understand what happened, but I know you did.
Brutus
What? Well, that's why you like taking bribes, right?
Cassius
Actually, I like taking bribes because I get lots of money.
Brutus
Aha! You admit to it!
Cassius
So? I'm not in power! The idiots who gave me bribes aren't getting anything in return!
Brutus
Yeah, right.
Cassius
Hey, I'm a stronger soldier than you are, so I'd shut up if I were you.
Brutus
No you're not.
Cassius
What nonsense. You couldn't tell a sword from a squirrel. You'd probably end up defeating yourself for me!
Brutus
So?
Cassius
When Caesar lived he durst not thus have moved me.
Brutus
Peace, peace! You durst not have so tempted him.
Cassius
I durst not?
Brutus
No.
Cassius
What? Durst not tempt him?
Brutus
For my life you durst not.
Both pause.
Cassius
Um, out of curiosity, what the hell does durst mean?
Brutus
I don't know...I thought maybe you did.
Cassius
Then we weren't really arguing about anything, were we?
Brutus
I guess not.
Cassius
Well, in that case, want to go fight now?
Brutus
Okay. A good night's sleep will be good for both of us before a battle, eh?
Cassius
Yep. In fact, I think I'll get started on my sleep right now.
Brutus
It's 4 in the afternoon.
Cassius
The longer the sleep, the better, right?
Brutus
I guess.
Cassius
Right.
Cassius exits. Enter the ghost of Caesar.
Ghost of Caesar
Brutus, you ingrate.
Brutus
Eek! It's the ghost of Caesar!
Ghost of Caesar
How could you tell?
Brutus
Well, your head's kind of flat and it's not really attached to your body.
Ghost of Caesar
Ah. That would do it.
Brutus
Is there any reason for you to be here?
Ghost of Caesar
Sure. Firstly and foremostly, I have to bother you. Secondly, thought, I have to tell you that you're going to lose at Philippi and that I'll see you there. Oh, you might want to sharpen your sword a little, because I hear it hurts less that way.
Brutus
Huh?
The ghost of Caesar exits.
Brutus
That was really weird. Well, I suppose I'll have to go to sleep now so I can be fresh for my loss tomorrow.
Brutus goes to sleep, and somehow manages to exit anyway.
Act 5, Scene 1
Enter Antony's army.
Octavius
Aha! We'll soon get to murder lots of people senselessly and drink their blood, as is the tradition among us Romans! Aha!
Antony
What are you talking about?
Octavius
I'm not actually sure. I read it in National Geographic somewhere.
Antony
Well, if National Geographic says so, I guess we ought to at least try.
Both turn to their army.
Both
OKAY, BOYS. IF WE WIN, WE DRINK THEIR BLOOD!
Army
WHAT?!
Both
IT SAYS SO IN NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC!
Army
Oh. Okay, then.
Enter Cassius' and Brutus' army.
Brutus
Boy, I sure am rested.
Cassius
Me too!
Brutus
It's too bad Caesar's ghost has prophesied our death today.
Cassius
What's this? Why you didn't tell me about this?
Brutus
Oh, I didn't think you'd want me to disturb your sleep.
Cassius (To Antony's army.)
Hey guys? Can you maybe postpone this thing a day or two?
Antony pokes Cassius with his sword
Octavius
Not likely.
Cassius
Aw, darn. Well, then, could you at least give us some time to better prepare ourselves?
Antony
Sure, why not.
FIVE MINUTES LATER
Antony
Ready yet?
Cassius
What? No!
Antony
Too bad. CHARGE!
The two armies do battle, and Antony's is winning by a large margin.
Cassius
Well, it looks like I'm losing. I guess I'd better exit the battle so I can commit suicide like a good Roman.
Cassius rides through the battle, slaying seventy-five percent of the opposing army, and snags Pindarus on the way. He stops about fifty feet away from the battle.
Cassius
Okay, Pindarus, you know the drill.
Pindarus
Aw, common. We weren't really doing that badly, were we?
Cassius
Yeah we were. Anyway, if Caesar's ghost fated us to die, who are we to deny him?
Pindarus
Yeah, okay. Plus, even with all of this fighting, I don't think I've killed anyone. I guess starting with you wouldn't hurt.
Cassius
That's the attitude. Here, hold this (Unsheathes his sword).
Pindarus
Ready?
Cassius (Gulps.)
Ready.
Cassius runs into his sword, and struggles, coughing, to the ground.
Cassius
OUCH.
Cassius dies.
Pindarus
AHA! I HAVE VANQUISHED THE ENEMY! HAHAHAHAHAHA!
Pindarus leaves to go kill some more people, and immediately runs into a spear being held by a dead man, and dies.
Scene 2
Enter Brutus and some of his friends.
Brutus
Well, guys, it looks like this is the end.
Flavius
Hey, remember me from the very first scene?
Brutus
Actually, no.
Flavius
Well, anyway, why do you think the end is near now?
Brutus
For one thing, there are only a few pages left of the entire play. For another, I'm feeling this undeniable urge to stab myself in the heart and end my pitiful and nonsensical life.
Flavius
That's a good indicator of the end, I suppose.
Brutus
Gurgle gurgle gurgle.
Flavius
What's that? Oh, never mind. You must be choking on your own blood from stabbing yourself. Well, I'll assume you said, "All of my worldly possessions are now yours." Thanks!
Brutus
Gurgle (Slumps over, dead).
Scene 3
Enter Antony and his cohorts.
Antony
Congratulations, fellow cohorts, on a well-deserved victory!
Octavius
Isn't "fellow cohorts" redundant?
Antony
Why?
Octavius
Well, the "co" indicates that they're fellow, so it should either be "fellow horts" or just plain "cohorts."
Antony
I suppose that's correct. In that case, fellow horts, congratulations on a well-deserved victory!
Octavius
Much better.
Antony (Looks down to discover he's standing on the bodies of Cassius and Brutus)
Wow. Someone sure did a number on these guys.
Octavius (Looks down to discover he's standing in the small intestines of Cassius and Brutus)
Someone sure did.
Antony
I guess this means we can't bring them in for trial and probably a nice, violent, public death involving lions.
Octavius
I haven't seen one of those in too long.
Antony
Hey, you know what I think I'll do now?
Octavius
What?
Antony
I think I'll extol Brutus even though I've opposed him every step of the way from line 1.
Octavius
Sounds like a good idea to me.
Antony
According to his virtue, let us use him with all respect and tires of burial. Within my tent his bones tonight shall life, most like a soldier, ordered honorably. So call the field to rest, and let's away to part the glories of this happy day.
Octavius
Does that mean you'll be sleeping next to his corpse or on it?
Antony
I don't know. Both?
Octavius nods in agreement and all exit.