Well, folks, guess what time it is? No, sadly, it's not 2:30 yet. It's time for one of Eli's articles! Fun! So, I think I can officially be addicted to computers now (before it was just a rumor). As I type, I'm sitting in front of an NEC Ready 9620 (that's a computer, by the way, although not by much), my wrists are finally happy. For days now, they've been aching because my carpal tunnels have been reforming themselves, recovering from the punishment they endure from about 39 and a half hours a day on the computer at home. Thankfully, though, now that I have access to a keyboard, they've stopped their destructive path through whatever's left of my wrists. I'm shooting for not being able to scratch my nose by the time I'm fifty. If I'm really good, you'll be seeing me with prosthetic hands by the time I'm 45, but I'd really have to work hard to get that done.
So anyway, here I am in chilly Poughkeepsie, New York (pronounced "Poughkeepsie") visiting my grandparents and auntar family (so I made up a word), and I've just discovered that I can't interview my grandfather for Mr. Culyba's paper as I thought I could previously. The reason? He hasn't served overseas. He did serve in Georgia, though, which I definitely think should count as a different country.
Enough about me, though, let's talk about you guys. Yeah, you. The people who actually read my articles. Haha...suckers.
Ahem. Anyway, if you've ever read Dave Barry's articles (which are my inspiration...they're quite highly recommended), you'll notice that 1) he does them a lot more often than I do and 2) they're a lot funnier. BUT, thanks to several minutes of intense thought, I've isolated the cause of both of these problems. It's you guys. Also if you read his articles, you'll notice that every once in a while, someone will write in with some actual news article of someone actually doing something really stupid. But you guys...you guys just sit on your proverbial butts and think to yourselves "Boy, self" you think, "I sure wish Eli would find a way to write these things more often."
Shame on you.
While I realize that none of you actually read different news articles that I could (assuming I read the paper...ha), but you'd better start finding some from somewhere real soon. If you don't, I'll just keep writing about other stuff. As an example, the following is what I was actually supposed to be writing about.
After fielding multiple criticisms from my friends, family, and random people on the street about my zeal for Dragonball Z, I finally asked myself what was so great about the show that I kept watching it. It is true that most of the dialogue on the show consists begins with a long vowel sound (the most popular is "aaaaaaaaaaaaaaa") and sometimes (for variation, is my guess) ends in a "gh" (example "aaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh"). It's also true that the plots are bad enough to make you want to watch C-SPAN (which I believe was secretly devised by dead people. Who else would watch C-SPAN? Certainly not me.). So, what, exactly, makes this show so popular? I mean, Ed Latimore, who is perhaps the most diversely cultured and intensely intellectually explorative person I know, has approximately 2 DBZ t-shirts, so there has to be something good about the show, right?
Well, not necessarily (cough, cough, Jerry Springer, cough, cough), but there is anyway. And it's this: any time one of the good guys (and some of the bad guys too) get mad or frustrated, they just yell really loudly, a white or gold aura appears around him, his muscles bulge to mammoth proportions, and they break something (perhaps someone) into a million little pieces. Now, for those of you who don't know, this is a guy's dream. Guys are notoriously bad concerning their feelings, and the chance to, whenever we don't like something, bulge up our muscles and beat it into its composite molecules is frankly the ideal situation. Unfortunately, none of us (except perhaps Ed) can do this, so we naturally gravitate towards people (so they're not real, who cares?) who can. This is also why we like super heroes so much, and why those who are really desperate go to Schwarzenegger movies.
I mean, just imagine if I was able to do this. For one thing, there wouldn't be enough of Schenley to spit on (but I'm sure someone would find a way to do so anyway). It would be just like the story of Atlantis: one day, it's a prospering (sorta) empire (sorta), and the next, it's reduced to nothing by a cataclysmic disaster the likes of which has not been known before by man. I'd personally destroy every school building on Earth (at least until I got arrested...oh well), after which I'd move on to stupid places to work, like Washington D.C. By the time I'm done, we'll all be able to just kick back, eat some junk food, and admire the collective rubble. At least the guys would. The women would try to rebuild society. Just like if there was a woman with the same powers, she'd oppose me to uphold American values, or something cheesy like that.
Likewise, if DBZ had women fighters, it would rank with Sailor Moon (read: gag) as one of the worst animes ever, because all the characters would do is talk out their problems, and maybe drink some herbal tea. It would be like a cartoon version of "The Joy Luck Club." What fun.
So, in conclusion, if you don't find me some interesting articles soon (I bet you forgot about that part, didn't you? Tisk, tisk.) I will be forced to 1) talk endlessly about subjects no one cares about, 2) make all sorts of gender stereotypes, and 3) yeah, so there.
Okay, I think it's about time to be going...my wrists will only degrade themselves on a good computer, and I don't think that what I'm on now qualifies as a good toaster, so I'll just be heading off into the sunset, leaving behind some cryptic symbols for you to decipher...
?????????????????
So anyway, here I am in chilly Poughkeepsie, New York (pronounced "Poughkeepsie") visiting my grandparents and auntar family (so I made up a word), and I've just discovered that I can't interview my grandfather for Mr. Culyba's paper as I thought I could previously. The reason? He hasn't served overseas. He did serve in Georgia, though, which I definitely think should count as a different country.
Enough about me, though, let's talk about you guys. Yeah, you. The people who actually read my articles. Haha...suckers.
Ahem. Anyway, if you've ever read Dave Barry's articles (which are my inspiration...they're quite highly recommended), you'll notice that 1) he does them a lot more often than I do and 2) they're a lot funnier. BUT, thanks to several minutes of intense thought, I've isolated the cause of both of these problems. It's you guys. Also if you read his articles, you'll notice that every once in a while, someone will write in with some actual news article of someone actually doing something really stupid. But you guys...you guys just sit on your proverbial butts and think to yourselves "Boy, self" you think, "I sure wish Eli would find a way to write these things more often."
Shame on you.
While I realize that none of you actually read different news articles that I could (assuming I read the paper...ha), but you'd better start finding some from somewhere real soon. If you don't, I'll just keep writing about other stuff. As an example, the following is what I was actually supposed to be writing about.
After fielding multiple criticisms from my friends, family, and random people on the street about my zeal for Dragonball Z, I finally asked myself what was so great about the show that I kept watching it. It is true that most of the dialogue on the show consists begins with a long vowel sound (the most popular is "aaaaaaaaaaaaaaa") and sometimes (for variation, is my guess) ends in a "gh" (example "aaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh"). It's also true that the plots are bad enough to make you want to watch C-SPAN (which I believe was secretly devised by dead people. Who else would watch C-SPAN? Certainly not me.). So, what, exactly, makes this show so popular? I mean, Ed Latimore, who is perhaps the most diversely cultured and intensely intellectually explorative person I know, has approximately 2 DBZ t-shirts, so there has to be something good about the show, right?
Well, not necessarily (cough, cough, Jerry Springer, cough, cough), but there is anyway. And it's this: any time one of the good guys (and some of the bad guys too) get mad or frustrated, they just yell really loudly, a white or gold aura appears around him, his muscles bulge to mammoth proportions, and they break something (perhaps someone) into a million little pieces. Now, for those of you who don't know, this is a guy's dream. Guys are notoriously bad concerning their feelings, and the chance to, whenever we don't like something, bulge up our muscles and beat it into its composite molecules is frankly the ideal situation. Unfortunately, none of us (except perhaps Ed) can do this, so we naturally gravitate towards people (so they're not real, who cares?) who can. This is also why we like super heroes so much, and why those who are really desperate go to Schwarzenegger movies.
I mean, just imagine if I was able to do this. For one thing, there wouldn't be enough of Schenley to spit on (but I'm sure someone would find a way to do so anyway). It would be just like the story of Atlantis: one day, it's a prospering (sorta) empire (sorta), and the next, it's reduced to nothing by a cataclysmic disaster the likes of which has not been known before by man. I'd personally destroy every school building on Earth (at least until I got arrested...oh well), after which I'd move on to stupid places to work, like Washington D.C. By the time I'm done, we'll all be able to just kick back, eat some junk food, and admire the collective rubble. At least the guys would. The women would try to rebuild society. Just like if there was a woman with the same powers, she'd oppose me to uphold American values, or something cheesy like that.
Likewise, if DBZ had women fighters, it would rank with Sailor Moon (read: gag) as one of the worst animes ever, because all the characters would do is talk out their problems, and maybe drink some herbal tea. It would be like a cartoon version of "The Joy Luck Club." What fun.
So, in conclusion, if you don't find me some interesting articles soon (I bet you forgot about that part, didn't you? Tisk, tisk.) I will be forced to 1) talk endlessly about subjects no one cares about, 2) make all sorts of gender stereotypes, and 3) yeah, so there.
Okay, I think it's about time to be going...my wrists will only degrade themselves on a good computer, and I don't think that what I'm on now qualifies as a good toaster, so I'll just be heading off into the sunset, leaving behind some cryptic symbols for you to decipher...
?????????????????