All or Nothing
Disclaimer: Ok…I don't own Dark Angel. Wish I did, but I seriously don't have that
much cash lying around. DA belongs to
James Cameron and his crew.
AN: Since I've decided not to continue "I Turn to You" (I'm
tapped out of ideas for that one), I decided to write this instead. It's a little angsty (sp?) but I thought
someone should get this out there. Don't
kill me, ok? I just thought up and idea
and ran with it. Hate it? Love it?
Tell me!
AN#2: The lyrics are from O-Town's "All or Nothing". I'm not usually a pop person, but I thought
this song was fitting.
I know when he's been on your mind
That distant look is in your eyes
I thought with time you'd realize
It's over, over
It's been
two months since we've been in Canada, two months away from Seattle, two months
away from Lydecker's hands…two months away from Logan. You'd think that 62 days away from that
fraction of a man would obliterate some sort of feeling towards him. But no, not Max. She's still holding on to some hope that she'll return to Wheel
Boy one day. She may not admit it, but
I can tell. Manticore may not have
equipped us with relationship skills or educated us in the art of dating, but
her not eating, not sleeping, and over all moodiness couldn't have been missed.
It's not the way I choose to live
And something somewhere's got to give
As sharing this relationship gets older, older
I'm sick of playing second string to a guy in
a wheelchair. I'm sick of myself not
being able to measure up to a cripple.
I'm sick of living every day wondering if she is thinking about him
again, wondering if she sees everything that I do for her. Logan doesn't deserve her like I do. He doesn't understand her like I do. He doesn't love her like I do. We are chimeras. We are one in the same.
So why can't she love me like she loves him?
You know I'd fight for you
But how I can fight someone who isn't even there
I've had the rest of you now I want the best of you
I don't care if that's not fair
I never
told her this but the reason why we busted out of Manticore 2 months early was
because her seizures were worsening.
The plan wasn't supposed to be executed until after most of the guards
left the compound for the holidays. But
I couldn't wait. Max kept getting the
shakes and I knew it was only a matter of time before they prodded and poked at
her, harvesting her DNA for another "perfect soldier". There was no way that I'd let Daddy Dearest
take my Maxie away. You'd have to
freeze hell over, kill God, raise the dead, and then maybe I'd consider it.
'Cause I want it all
Or nothing at all
There's no where left to fall
When you reach the bottom it's now or never
Phony
sentimentality – that's always been my motto.
But it's different with Max.
It's not phony sentimentality anymore – it's real. I can look at her and see a white picket
fence, three kids, and a dog running around in the backyard. I can see a life, a future with her…an
unattainable one at that, but a future nevertheless. But I know I'll always be "Big Brother" to her, nothing
more.
Is it all
Or are we just friends
Is this how it ends
With a simple telephone call
You leave me here with nothing at all
I don't
know what to do…and that scares me because I always know what to do. I've never seen Max so unhappy before, and
it kills me to know that I'm the cause of it.
So I did what any man in love would do…I sacrificed my heart for the
love of my life. I sucked it up, picked
up the phone, and dialed the number I wish I could forget.
There are times it seems to me
I'm sharing you with memories
I feel it in my heart
But I don't show it, show it
The memories
of our days back at Manticore are still very vivid in my head. Although we didn't have our freedom, we were
somewhat happy. In our own private
hell, we had each other. We would stay
up late at night and just talk about what life was like outside the
compound. Sometimes Ben would tell us
stories. We laughed together, we hoped
together, we fought together, we dreamed together.
I remember
Max once telling me a dream she had about her future husband. I was surprised that she even thought about
these things. It's not everyday that a
genetically enhanced killing machine contemplates about love. However, for the sake of conversation, I
humored her. She said, "I'll probably
marry someone like you, Zackie, because you're the best brother in the
world." Like you. Best brother. The words may be small but they hurt like
hell. Max will marry someone like me,
but not me. "So what about you, Zack? You ever think about these things?" Of course I told her that I didn't have the
time nor the energy to be dreaming up what if's, but the truth of the matter
was my dreams had Max in it. I was just
too chicken shit to tell her.
And then there's times you look at me
As though I'm all that you can see
Those times I don't believe it's right
I know it, know it
Don't make me promises
Baby you never did know how to keep them well
I've had the rest of you
Now I want the best of you
It's time for show and tell
Sure, Max
chose to run away with me…but not for the right reasons. She didn't leave because she wanted to, she
didn't leave because she was in danger.
She ran because of Richy. She
left because she was putting him in danger.
To her, I'll always be second best.
Apparently, I don't have the heart of gold that Cale has...
'Cause you and I
Could lose it all if you've got no more room
No room inside for me in your life
'Cause I want it all
Or nothing at all
There's no where left to fall
It's now or never
I don't
know why I'm doing this. But for Max,
I'd walk on fire. As I watched her
knock on the door and wait timidly for the reply, I see the woman that I've
loved all these years waiting for her prince charming. As the door opened, her face completely lit
up and she smiled that million-watt smile of hers that's long been missed. The shell of the once energetic and
charismatic Max that I knew had finally resurfaced. As she hugged Logan, I looked at her for a final time, memorizing
every contour of her face, the way her soft curls bounce as she moved. Then I mustered all of the courage that I
had left in me, and walked away…out of her life.
'Cause I want it all
Or nothing at all
There's no where left to fall
When you reach the bottom it's now or never
Is it all
Or are we just friends
Is this how it ends
With a simple telephone call
You leave me here with nothing at all
I may never
have her heart, but she'll always be the keeper of mine.
