(A little man comes out onto the Dating Game stage. He is dressed in a lime green tuxedo with a magenta frill on the coat [Note: It's not Lord Wyldon ^.~] and clears his throat nervously)

Man: Um... It seems that your regular host, Skippy McPeanutbutter has "come down with something" (as he says those last few words, he tips his hand up as if drinking from an invisible cup) and will not be able to host this week's show, maybe not next week's either. Anywho, they sent me in. Oh, yeah, I'm Nomar Charles Louis Steven Gormenghast. You can call me Nomi, or Charlie, or Stevie, or even Gormy if ya want. So them, let's get on with it, shall we? Welcome to this week's edition of...

THE DATING GAME!

Gormy: This week we have, for our contestant, Roger of Conte...Yes folks, they ressurected him just to do this show. (rolls eyes) Anyway, it seems that since his cohorts have been, um, seperated, he needs to find a new woman. Well, we're the show to do that for 'im! Now, onto our three lovely Bachelorettes. We have...

Bachelorette Number One... A Red-Headed noblewoman of Tortall, who's only good when she's bad.

Bachelorette Number Two...A (cough) young woman who looks oddly a bit like our contestant...

And Bachelorette Number Three...Another Red Head, who's pet peeves are Roger, and Conservatives. Can opposites really attract?

That's it, youve met the ladies, now on with the show! Roger, go on ahead.

Roger: Ahem. Foxy Lady Number One, what is your weapon of choice?

B1 (FL1?): Hum... I guess my knockout figure. 36-24-36 baby.

Roger: (starts to drool) Foxy Lady Number Three?

FL3: Yeah, whaddaya want, you bastard?

Roger: Um, answer the question.

FL3: I'd rather come over there and run you through with my sword! (is about to jump up to do so, but stops when she realizes she doesn't have her sword with her)

Roger: Ha ha, you answered my question anyway! Ok then. Foxy Lady Number Two, what is your weapon of choice.

FL2: Oh, Rogey dear, you know I could never hurt a fly. Why don't you come visit me anymore? I miss you and you never write and you never call...I could die in a couple of years you know!

Roger: (sortof recognizes the voice) Um, Foxy Lady Number Three, how many men have you slept with?

FL3: Well, let's see, there was him, ooo then that guy in the desert, and the guy on that trip....then that dashing man in Corus...About 134.

Roger: Wow. Foxy Lady Number One, how about you?

FL1: 1,247.

Roger: Mithros. Foxy Lady Number Two, how many men have you slept with?

FL2: Now listen here young man, I never want to hear such filth come out of your mouth! Don't make me come over there and spank you!

Roger: (Sort of turned on) Uh, now then. Foxy Lady Number One, if you had a choice to spend your afternoon sewing, dancing, or plotting to take over the world, which would you rather do?

FL1: Oooo the last one definetely.

Roger: All right, that's the kinda thing I like to hear. Foxy Lady Number Three, what kind of man would you describe as your "type"?

FL3: Not you, you writhing scumbag.

Roger: Heh, a feisty one. Foxy Lady Number Two, what is your "type" of man?

FL2: Oh, I like an old fashion gentlemen, who will hold the door open for me, and take me to the Early Bird Special at the eating houses. Why, there was this one time in Tyra, when...

Roger: Enough (falling asleep) Foxy Lady Number One, if I came on to you "heavily" on the first date, what would you say/do?

FL1: I'd say, bring it on baby!

Roger: (looking more and more like he's going to pick this girl) Foxy Lady Number Two, if you could have any man in the world all to yourself, who would it be?

FL2: Oh, I don't know...maybe that nice old carpenter from my home village, you know he always smiled at me when I used to ask him for more spare wood for the shed my father was building in the back of our old house...

Roger: (totally asleep now. a stagehand pokes him with a cattleprod, and Roger is electricuted back into the world of the awake.) Wha?!? Huh! Ow!

FL2: Young man, are you listening to me.

Roger: Never was. Foxy Lady Number Three...

Gormy: May I remind you Roger, that this will be your last question of the evening.

Roger: Oh all right, peasant. Anyway, Foxy Lady Number Three, what is your favorite specatator sport.

FL3: Mud Wrestling.

Roger (snort) Big surprise.

FL3: Why you little...

Gomry: Stop right there, no further conversing. Roger, it is now time for you to choose which lucky lady will accompany you on your fabulous weekend getaway!

Roger: Hey, didn't the other guy used to capitalize that?

Gormy: Yes, but I'm not the other guy. Choose DAMMIT!

Roger: All right, all right, don't get yer knickers in a twist. Because her dominatrix act really turned me on...I choose Foxy Lady Number Two!

(the audience laughs hysterically, and Roger looks about dejectedly)

Gormy: Ok, you have made your decision, there's no going back now. Now, let's meet the two ladies that you didn't pick. Foxy- I mean, Bachelorette Number One, please reveal yourself!

(Delia of Eldorne struts out, wearing nothing but a cotton robe, and as Roger looks on hngrily, she actually does reveal herself to him! Closing the robe, she walks off stage in a huff, while Roger drops to his knees and begins to wail)

Gormy: Goddess, some people taking things WAY too literally. Bachelorette Number Three, please come out!

(Alanna comes out, storms across the stage, picks Roger up off the floor, spins him around like a top and hurtles him into one of the flowery backdrops that are part of the stage. She then smiles happily and walks away whistling. Gormy picks Roger up out of the pile of backdrop, stands him up and dusts him off)

Gormy: That was interesting. Now, finally, Bachelorette Number Two, come on out here, por favor!

(slowly, painfully, a woman begins to walk out from behind the curtain. Roger tries to look optimistic, but after Delia he just can't muster it. The woman rounds the wall....it is a decrepit old woman with stark white hair and rumpled old clothes, heavily leaning on a wooden staff)

Roger: Granma, NO!!!!!!!!

Granma: Rogey honey, give your Granny a kiss!

Roger: Ahhh!!!!!!!!! Runs right through a brick wall, leaving a comical man-shaped opening, and takes to the hills. Granma "chases" after him slowly, all the while grumbling about "The young whippersnappers of today")

Gormy: That just goes to show ya folks, ya never know what's going to happen on...

THE DATING GAME

G'night, and join us next week when we'll welcome Onua to the show. I think I'll just go catch up with Delia... (straightens his suit and strides off the stage. Granma is still "running" after Roger when your screen goes blank)

A/N: Ahhahahahahahahaha. Just wanted to say, er, ask, is Delia of Eldorne's hair red, or did I just make that up out of my little mind? I think it was, but it's been a while since I read The Lioness Quartet, and the ol' memory's a little rusty, if you know what I mean. Hope ya'll like! Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got to take Roger's Granny home, she's a bit worn out from her two meter "chase" after Roger ^_^ 'Night folks!