INTRO GOES AS PLANNED. NOW, HEERO'S GOTTA GET OFFA THE TRAIN
Heero: **tries to jump out of the train** Whoa! **falls on his face** That ain't easy…
TAKE 2
Heero tries to get off of the train…but hits his head on it on the way down, knocking him out cold.
Relena: Oh no! HEE~RO!
Apon hearing Relena's annoying voice, Heero was able to get up, and run away as fast as he could.
TAKE 3
Heero: **gets off train successfully** WOOT! I DID IT! **starts dancing like Ricky Martin**
**Everyone sweatdropps**
MEETING AT THE REACTOR
Biggs: Didn't catch your name…
Heero: My…my name? Am I Heero? Or…am I Cloud?
Sirea: (from off stage) You're Cloud.
Heero: But am I not Heero Yuy?
Sirea: Not right now.
Heero: **sobs** If I'm not Heero Yuy, I can't kill Relena Piece-of-Crap.
TAKE 2
Biggs: Didn't catch your name…wait a minute, where is he?
Heero: Yeah, so then I kicked the guy's ass…he died. It was cool.
Jessie: Uh…riiiight…
Heero: You're pretty. What'd you say your name was again?
Jessie: Jessie.
Heero: Is that so? Well…I'm having an identity crisis right now. I'm not sure if I'm Heero Yuy or Cloud Strife.
Jessie: Are you mixing medications?
Heero: Wouldn't you like to know? **for no reason, falls over**
SETTING THE BOMB
Heero: **giggles**
Barret: What?
Heero: **giggles**
Barret: What?
Heero: **bursts out laughing**
Barret: What's so damned funny?
Heero: Someone is setting us up the bomb!
Barret: **smirks** What you say?
**The scorpion dude that you're supposed to fight appears**
Scorpion Dude: Good evening gentlemen.
Heero: Scorpion Dude!
Scorpion Dude: All your base are belong to us.
TAKE 2
Heero: Shouldn't you do it?
Barret: Naw. I gotta make sure you don't pull nothin.
Heero: EEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWW! Pervert! **slaps Barret with all of his strength**
Barret: x_X
(Come on, you can take that the wrong way if you try rally hard!)
MEETING AERIS
Duo: **gets up after guys knock him down** Yeah, you'd better run! Run away from the God of Death before he kills you with his…**pulls out Aeris's rod** …big stick? WHERE THE FUCK'S MY SCYTHE?!
Heero: Hey! You're prettier than that Jessie lady! **runs over to Duo** What's your name?
Duo: I AIN'T NO LADY! **punches Heero** I AM SHINIGAMI! I DEMAND SATISFACTION!
Heero: x_X Owies…
**Duo storms off stage**
PART 2
Heero: Don't see many flowers around here.
Duo: Oh, do you want one? They're only a gil. …A gil? That's it…? That's IT?! Give me ten bucks!
Heero: Sleep with me, and you'll get thirty!
Duo: I AM NOT A WOMAN!
Heero: I ain't picky!
Duo: I CAN'T HANDLE THIS!
MEETING TIFA
Marlene: **runs over to Heero** Papa! **sees Heero and runs away**
Relena: **comes out from behind the bar and walks over to Marlene** Marlene, aren't you going to say anything to Cloud? **walks over to Heero** Sorry, Cloud.
(Wow, so the bitch can act…well…I had to let SOMEONE be good at this, and since she's gonna die anyway, I'd be nice for the time being.)
Heero: Holy shit, Relena! How'd you get your chest that big?
Relena: Um…I'll ignore that.
Heero: I wanna know! I may just consider sleeping with you after all!
Relena: Heero…they're fake.
Aeris: **watching from the lifestream** I knew it! **turns to Tifa** They're fake, aren't they?!
Tifa: **blushes** I was drunk…
Cloud starts cracking up, and Tifa slaps him upside the head.
Tifa: YOU'RE AN ASSHOLE, CLOUD STRIFE!
Cloud: Are you still jealous that I fell in love with Aeris and had a kid with her, and not a skank like you?
Tifa: FUCK YOU! **stomps off**
Aeris: **turns to Cloud** I'd say so.
Relena: I won't have sex until after marriage, Heero Yuy.
Heero: **whines** But I don't wanna marry a bitch like you!
Relena: I-I'm not a bitch…!
Heero: No…you're right…you're not a bitch.
Relena: **smiles** Thanks, Heero.
Heero: You're a skank.
Duo and Sirea are heard laughing hysterically from offstage. Relena hesitates, but laughs as well.
Relena: Oh, Heero! You have such a great sense of humor! **glomps him**
Heero: AHH! GET THE BRITNEY CLONE OFF OF ME!
Relena: **giggles** You're so kawaii, Heero-chan!
Heero: HELP ME! HELP MEEEEEE---!
Duo and Sirea pass out from lack of oxygen.
AERIS'S CHURCH
Duo: Oh! It moved! **pauses then laughs at the thought of Heero being an "it"**
Heero: **wakes up** What's so funny?
Duo: You're an it! **starts laughing hysterically**
Heero: What…?
Duo: Wasn't there some skit on Saturday Night Live or the Kids in the Hall or something like that about how hermaphrodites are people too? **starts laughing again**
Heero: **blink** … ….. …….. …. ……. … .. . **blink** I don't get it.
Sirea: Oh, for the love of---CUT!
PART 2
Heero: **in a teasing voice** Ooh! Duo-chan's wearing a dress!
Duo: DON'T CALL ME DUO-CHAN!
Sirea: Guys, the camera's rolling.
Duo: Oh…um…line?
Sirea: Jesus Christ…I can't work with these two…I need a drink…
Duo: But you're under age!
Sirea: Not alcohol, you ass.
Heero: DUO'S A DRAG QUEEN!
Duo: SHUT THE HELL UP, HEERO! **punches Heero in the face**
Heero: Not again…**passes out** x_X
PART 3
Duo: So, we meet again. Don't you remember me?
Heero: Yeah, I remember you! You wouldn't sleep with me!
Duo: COZ I AIN'T A WOMAN! AND EVEN IF I WAS, I WOULDN'T BE A WHORE! I CAN'T HANDLE WORKING WITH HEERO WHEN HE'S HIGH ON INSTANT COFFEE!
PART 4
Duo: **very ticked** I'm Aeris. The Flower Girl.
Heero: The name's Cloud. Me? I do a little bit of everything. …How bout I do you?
Duo: **eye starts twitching** Oh…a jack of all trades?
Heero: **smirks** Wanna find out?
Duo: Shut the fuck up!
Heero: **starts singing** Shut the fuck up she said. I'm goin fucking deaf; you're always too loud. Everything's too loud.
Duo stomps off stage as Heero continues singing…and dancing.
PART 5
Duo: Do I really have to say it? It's not like he's trying to FUCK ME ALREADY!
Sirea: Just say the line, Duo.
Duo: **big sigh** How about if I go out with you once?
Heero: **face lights up** You mean it?!
Duo: Eep.
Heero: Don't worry! We'll have fun!
Duo: Si…back me up?
Sirea: Nah. I don't feel like it.
Heero starts chasing Duo around the set.
PART 6
Duo: **without any enthusiasm at all** Don't fight here. You'll ruin the flowers.
Heero: With a little enthusiasm, man!
Duo: Oh dear god! You mustn't fight here! You'll ruin my precious flowers!
Everyone sweatdropps.
AERIS'S HOME
Duo: I'm home, mom. Cool. I have a mom! XD
Elmyra: **looks at Duo** Aeris? Reeve told me you were dead!
Duo: I AM NOT AERIS! I AM SHINIGAMI, DAMMIT!
Heero: Look on the bright side, Du-chan.
Duo: Number 1, don't call me Du-chan. Number 2, there is no bright side.
Heero: At least you don't have curves.
Duo: Heero, you're one sick puppy.
IN THE PLAYGROUND
Duo: Say, what rank were you?
Heero: Rank?
Duo: In SOLDIER.
Heero: Oh, I was…First Class.
Duo: Just the same as him.
Heero: Who?
Duo: My first boyfriend.
Heero starts cracking up.
Heero: DUO'S GAY!
Duo: I AM NOT!
Heero: Are too!
Duo: DAMN IT! **pushes Heero off of the slide** I HOPE YOU DIE!
PART 2
Heero: **still giggling from last time** You were…serious?
Duo: No…but I liked him for a while.
Heero: Now don't try to get down on me, Duo.
Duo: GODDAMMIT! CAN'T WE GET A GIRL TO DO THIS?
Sirea: We COULD, but then that wouldn't be as funny.
Duo: Fuck you!
Sirea: Oh, I love you too, Duo!
Duo: I hate my life…
Heero: We know, Duo.
Duo: …I hate you, Heero.
Sirea: Come on, guys. We gotta get started on---
Heero: **starts singing** Get started on, get started on, get started on…start spreading the news…
Duo: Help me…
Sirea: Help me first…
PART 3
Duo: That was Tifa…? She looked kind of odd.
Heero: I'll say. She's a little Britney Spears in training!
Duo: Amen to that! Little skank…
Heero: Hey, do we have to try and save Relena in the next scene?
Sirea: Yes, unfortunately. But don't worry. She dies soon, anyway.
Heero: YAY! NO MORE STALKER! XD
Sirea: **screams** OH GOD! OH NO! NOT THAT!
Duo: What?
Sirea: Hey, Duo? Want the rest of my Pepsi?
Duo: OK!
Duo takes the Pepsi and drinks the rest. (Which wasn't much.) Heero and Sirea look on in disgust.
Duo: What?
Heero: Didn't you know? Big Gumbly Slut is the new spokesperson for Pepsi.
Duo: Big Gumbly Slut?
Sirea: BGS is Britney Queer's initials. So, we got Big Gumbly Slut out of that!
Duo: AND I JUST DRANK THIS PEPSI? HEERO, WHY DIDN'T YOU STOP ME?
Heero: Hmm…I don't know.
DON CORNEO'S MANSION
Duo: Cloud, why don't you dress up like a girl?
Heero: What?!
Duo: It's the only way to save Tifa.
Heero: NO WAY! I AM NOT BECOMING A DRAG QUEEN FOR MISS I'M-A-QUEER-BRINTEY-SPEARS-WANNABE-WHO-TRIES-TO-SEDUCE-HEERO-EVEN-THOUGH-I-KNOW-HE-HATES-ME!
Sirea: **is getting fed up with the fucking around that's going on** JUST DO IT BEFORE I MAKE YOU CAIT SITH!
Cait Sith: Why does everyone hate me?
Heero: I'm scared of her…um…**in a bad Austin Powers voice** Lead me to the dresses, baby!
PART 2
Duo: Poor Cloud, having to stand over there and listen to us call him nothing.
Relena: **walks over to Heero** ? Cloud…? !! Cloud! What are you doing here? Why are you dressed like that? Are you ok? What happened after the fall? Are you hurt?
Heero: Give me a chance to answer! I'm dressed like this because…THAT DAMNED BITCH NAMED SIREA STRIFE MADE ME WEAR A DRESS!
Duo: Hey, hey, HEY! DON'T SPEAK LIKE THAT ABOUT SIREA!
Sirea: SHUT UP, DUO! I CAN FIGHT MY OWN BATTLES!
Duo: …Sorry…
Heero: Damn, what's up YOUR ass, Sirea?
Sirea: I shouldn't have given you the instant coffee…
Heero: Hey, you got any more? I'm hungry.
Sirea: If you weren't my koi's best friend, I'd kill you. Man, fuck this. We can skip Corneo's mansion.
Relena: Why?
Sirea: Because Heero and Duo seem to love making fun of each other's dresses, and we'll never get it done at this rate!
Relena: Good point.
Sirea: Don't disgrace my remarks with your agreements, Relena.
Heero and Duo start laughing.
DESTRUCTION OF SECTOR 7
Relena: We made it! The pillar's still standing!
Duo: **playfully elbows Heero in the arm** What's that look like to you, Heero?
NO, THIS IS NOT A YAOI FIC! …Even though it might turn out to be later on…depends on how I feel.
Heero: I don't get it…
Duo: You mean…you've never…?
Heero: What? Never what?
Duo: That's disgraceful.
Relena: Now, Duo, just because YOU'RE horny, doesn't mean Heero has to be!
Duo: **blank stare** How do YOU know what we're talking about?!
Relena: **blush** I-I'm not a virgin…
Duo: But you said…!
Relena: I know what I said!
Heero: You ARE Big Gumbly Slut's wannabe!
Relena: Big Gumbly Slut…?
Duo: Man, you're as dense as the REAL Tifa Sluthart is!
PART 2
Relena: **runs over to the bomb** Cloud! Do something!
Heero: Um…
Relena: WHY DO YOU ALWAYS TAKE THINGS THE WRONG WAY?!
Heero: Um…
Sirea: JESUS CHRIST, HEERO! DO IT RIGHT! NOW!
Heero: Um…**runs over to the bomb** This isn't an ordinary time bomb.
Tseng: That's right. It'll blow the second some stupid jerk touches it.
Heero: Ugh…
Barret: Shut yer hole! **starts shooting the helicopter**
Tseng: Now, now. We wouldn't want to do anything that might injure our special guest.
Heero: Aeris!
Duo: Don't worry, Tifa! She's all right!
Tseng: Shut up. **bitch slaps Duo**
Duo: THAT'S IT! **stands up and bitch slaps Tseng back**
Tseng: Damn you, woman! **slaps Duo**
Duo: I AM NOT A WOMAN! I AM SHINIGAMI! **punches Tseng, sending him flying out of the helicopter, plummeting to the ground**
Sirea: Oh, fuck. Where are we gonna find another Tseng?
SAVING AERIS
Relena: **walks up to Red 13 and starts tapping on the glass** Precious specimen…?
Red 13: **breaks out of the huge test tube thingy and starts attacking Relena** CAN'T YOU READ?! IT SAYS NO TAPPING ON THE GLASS!
Duo and Heero exchange glances, then burst out laughing.
PART 2
Duo: I knew Cloud would come for me. Ok, question. IF I'M THE GOD OF DEATH, WHY DID I NEED HEERO TO SAVE ME?
Sirea: **walks on stage and points a gun a Duo's head** Do it right before I pull a Zero System.
Duo: You wouldn't dare.
Sirea: You want to try me?
Duo: …Here? Now?
Sirea whacks Duo with the gun, knocking him out.
Sirea: I hate you, Duo. **smiles sweetly and walks off stage**
Heero: Duo! …Sweet.
Relena: There is no need for war.
Heero: Shut up, bitch! **bitch slaps Relena**
Relena: **with tears in her eyes** Don't you love me, Heero?
Heero: Who said I ever loved you? Omae o Korosu!
Sirea: Fuck. I think the instant coffee wore off.
Heero: Where's my gun? Why am I in a SOLDIER uniform? What's going on?
Sirea: Um…can we take a break?